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Yet another 'modesty' thread


shanvan
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Here's the problem. As evidenced in the various threads everyone has a different definition of modesty. So, what would you think if you got an invitation to a party that specified "modest" swimsuits only? Uggh! I certainly wouldn't want to offend, but then again, my idea of modest may not be the host's idea.

 

I'm going to ask the person directly, but I'm still curious to read responses.

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Here's the problem. As evidenced in the various threads everyone has a different definition of modesty. So, what would you think if you got an invitation to a party that specified "modest" swimsuits only? Uggh! I certainly wouldn't want to offend, but then again, my idea of modest may not be the host's idea.

 

I'm going to ask the person directly, but I'm still curious to read responses.

 

 

I'd politely decline.

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I'd call and ask her to specify what she would like to see for 'modest' swimwear. I would have no problem with it. She perhaps could've been a little more specific in what she wanted, but I know that modest swimwear is a big thing to a lot of people. Why is it such a big deal to accommodate that. I'd ask for specifics and if I owned a swimsuit that would suit the purpose, I'd go, if I didn't I'd politely decline as I wouldn't shop for a new suit for something like this.

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I would keep torsos covered for girls / women, and board shorts for boys.

 

I think it is an incredibly rude requirement to put on guests. It is the equivalent of saying to wedding guests "formalwear AND women's dresses must cover shoulders and upper arms".

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I'd assume it meant no bikinis for girls, and I would definitely go anyways.

 

Why I would go: I have great compassion for people with one foot still stuck in legalism. I often go out of my way to try to be enough of a compatriot to help them with that. It doesn't offend me to do what it takes to meet them where they are... And I'm not a big enough fan of bikinis to feel badly about wearing another option.

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So it's a policy to monitor women only? Interesting.

 

 

No, it's not. I didn't include men in my response, but that is not saying that they monitor women only. For men they request no speedos. However for both, it is a request and not a demand.

 

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I agree with wanting modest swim wear for myself and my girls, but I think I'd have to decline the invite. If my friend had to put that on the invite they likely think of modesty differently than I do.

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My dh wouldn't wear a Speedo and I wouldn't wear a string bikini. That's what I would assume it meant. All torsos and butt cheeks covered, girls and guys alike. Was this an invite to a Youth event? That specification isn't that uncommon for a Youth party.

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wow...I would be terribly uncomfortable I think, worried if I was "modest" enough. I wear a one piece or a long tankini when I swim, but I wear an F cup bra...even my bathing suit has underwire. When I'm in a bathing suit I show cleavage...quite a bit. Now, I'm in my late 30s, obese, and not going to lead many men to lust, lol...but I'd be worried the whole time. blech.

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wow...I would be terribly uncomfortable I think, worried if I was "modest" enough. I wear a one piece or a long tankini when I swim, but I wear an F cup bra...even my bathing suit has underwire. When I'm in a bathing suit I show cleavage...quite a bit. Now, I'm in my late 30s, obese, and not going to lead many men to lust, lol...but I'd be worried the whole time. blech.

 

Yeah, that's the tricky part. Swim parties are already kind of uncomfortable for many adults, particularly women. Throwing a "you WILL be judged based on your outfit" on the invite makes it even more so.

 

However, if it is a teen party (meaning not that teens are invited, but that their families aren't joining), I'm a little more understanding. If I had a teen, I'd want my kids pool party to be as innocently fun as possible.

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I remember a poster on another board asking for suggestions for modest swimwear. Several people recommended Lands' End. She replied, "Where are the modest swimsuits? I keep looking and don't see any." Clearly, she had a different opinion of what modest swimwear was than most others there.

 

I would assume the invitation meant no bikinis (or Speedos), but if you have any concerns and want to go, call and ask the hostess for specifics. She's the only one who knows what she meant by it. ;)

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So it's a policy to monitor women only? Interesting.

 

 

Most likely. On the other hand, in this country it would be unusual for a boy to dress like an Olympic diver instead of wearing trunks, so "immodest" boys' swimwear probably wasn't on the host's radar.

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I would assume one pieces for girls? I would never have thought of a boys swimwear to be anything other than modest, lol. Well, I guess I am not thinking of speedos.. but I haven't seen anyone wear one in a lonnnnng time.

 

 

I always feel akward at our co-ops swim class. Dd is always the only one in a two piece. Pretty sure we don't have a policy or anything... She has some one pieces now, but I refuse to specifically buy a one piece to please everyone else. If its what she picks out, fine. But I'm really not worried about her belly showing when shes five. Just my opinion.

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Here's the problem. As evidenced in the various threads everyone has a different definition of modesty. So, what would you think if you got an invitation to a party that specified "modest" swimsuits only? Uggh! I certainly wouldn't want to offend, but then again, my idea of modest may not be the host's idea.

 

I'm going to ask the person directly, but I'm still curious to read responses.

 

 

I'd think, "Great!" and would assume it means no bikinis for girls. In our social circles, most of the girls might also wear shorts with their suits, and the boys would wear board shirts, but I would not assume those to be requirements.

 

I am frankly shocked to see how many people in this thread would decline an invitation just based on that request. It seems like a reasonable request tome. I guess I live a more sheltered life than I thought.

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Once a mom in my circle sent out an invite like that and several of the moms took it as a personal slam against them. It is a hot button issue for lots of people. People do not know what other people mean by "modest."

 

I would call/email and ask what it meant, then I would decide whether to attend.

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First, is the party being held at a facility that might have requirements and the hostess is just passing along the facility dress code?

 

If not, my response would be based on my relationship to the party's hostess.

 

If we were close I'd just call and ask; there may be some specific issue at play. (Like a third cousin she has to invite, but is much less conservative than the other families she is inviting and the note on the invite is to try and prevent an uncomfortable situation. I know I'm reaching here. :) )

 

If we were not close I think I'd just decline rather than open that can of worms.

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Sigh. My dd just got an invite for a pool party. Invite said only modest swimwear. But,it went on to describe it: tshirt or rashgard. Skirts or shorts are"appreciated". This is an all girl party. The invite said that no one should have to break the budget to accommodate these rules, but there was a list of stores where one could purchase modest swimwear.

 

I am so torn! I love this family, but clearly we don't fit into their mold of modest. We went swimming there once and she said to wear modest swimwear. I though we do. skirts, tankinis, etc. The mom mentioned how she needed to be more clear about what is expected at their home. I really did not realize she was referring to us!

 

I let my kids(girls included) wear tanktops. What is the difference in whether we wear them in the pool? I guess she would not like us to come over and play the way we dress.

 

I am heartbroken over this. I am reading others' responses just to get insight. Maybe I am off here.

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Sigh. My dd just got an invite for a pool party. Invite said only modest swimwear. But,it went on to describe it: tshirt or rashgard. Skirts or shorts are"appreciated". This is an all girl party. The invite said that no one should have to break the budget to accommodate these rules, but there was a list of stores where one could purchase modest swimwear.

 

I am so torn! I love this family, but clearly we don't fit into their mold of modest. We went swimming there once and she said to wear modest swimwear. I though we do. skirts, tankinis, etc. The mom mentioned how she needed to be more clear about what is expected at their home. I really did not realize she was referring to us!

 

I let my kids(girls included) wear tanktops. What is the difference in whether we wear them in the pool? I guess she would not like us to come over and play the way we dress.

 

I am heartbroken over this. I am reading others' responses just to get insight. Maybe I am off here.

 

 

I would decline, I would very much object to being told where to shop and that I needed to shop in order for dd to socialize with their children.

 

If skirts and tankinis are not reasonably modest to them then I would just not go to their house.

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We have a pool at our house. Last year, the youth group at our church asked us if they could use our pool and house for summer youth group meetings. We said yes. They had modesty rules that were the same that they had for a beach camp week they went on first- one piece suits or two piece tankinis for girls. I don't know if they had anything for the boys but most boys don't want to wear speedos anyway. That is what I would think about modesty rules but if there was any suspicion that the rules were ever more strict than that - like from a family who has all girls in dresses or skirts well below the knee and with long hair at all activities and times of the year- I would call and if the clothing requirements were that of one of the 'modest' bathing suit companies- we would decline. We wouldn't buy a different swimsuit for one party. DD wears what I consider to be quite modest wear- she can wear a rashguard and boardshorts over a one piece.

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I would call and ask what they mean, explaining that everyone's version of modesty is different.

 

And...I would not jump to conclusions and assume the worse of the person extending the invitation. It is just as judgmental to get your feathers in a knot and decline the invite because of the request. Have a conversation with this person. They may not have meant for it to be a big fuss. It is hard to tell from one sentence.

 

 

 

 

ETA: In my personal experience, "modest swimwear" has universally meant covered midsection and covered bottom end. This would be (girls) a one piece, a full tankini, or a shirt/swim shirt over a bikini. Or (boys) full swim trunks (pretty standard) and a t-shirt or swim shirt.

 

My experience comes from the multiple camps we have organized for both kids and youth, daycare events that our church holds, and youth/adult/children's events hosted at local churches that involved wet activities.

 

Usually, the standard sounds more rigid than it is. Tankinis that showed a strip of tummy ended up being fine. Girls that brought shirts ended up not needing them.

 

Again, this is just my limited experience.

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Sigh. My dd just got an invite for a pool party. Invite said only modest swimwear. But,it went on to describe it: tshirt or rashgard. Skirts or shorts are"appreciated". This is an all girl party. The invite said that no one should have to break the budget to accommodate these rules, but there was a list of stores where one could purchase modest swimwear.

 

I am so torn! I love this family, but clearly we don't fit into their mold of modest. We went swimming there once and she said to wear modest swimwear. I though we do. skirts, tankinis, etc. The mom mentioned how she needed to be more clear about what is expected at their home. I really did not realize she was referring to us!

 

And this is how feelings get hurt.

 

I let my kids(girls included) wear tanktops. What is the difference in whether we wear them in the pool? I guess she would not like us to come over and play the way we dress.

 

I am heartbroken over this. I am reading others' responses just to get insight. Maybe I am off here.

 

I would not go to the home of a "friend" who made me feel this way. If she asked, then I would tell her that I didn't want to offend her by not dressing modestly enough at her house.

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Normally my dd wears a one piece. DS wears board shorts. Both wear swim shirts. I might add a running skirt for DD with tht request. (Dry Fit type shirts make great back up swim shirts.)

 

I have no problem with a hostess specifying what type of suits are OK. It's their house and their pool. On the spectrum of WTM modesty threads - I'll dissent an say that I'd be more likely to attend a swim party with this invite than a more general invite.

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We have a pool at our house. Last year, the youth group at our church asked us if they could use our pool and house for summer youth group meetings. We said yes. They had modesty rules that were the same that they had for a beach camp week they went on first- one piece suits or two piece tankinis for girls. I don't know if they had anything for the boys but most boys don't want to wear speedos anyway.

 

Do most boys cover their tummies? If not, then the standards are very different.

 

I find the tshirt over a swimsuit thing very strange. Bars have wet tshirt contests for a reason.

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I would call and ask what they mean, explaining that everyone's version of modesty is different.

 

And...I would not jump to conclusions and assume the worse of the person extending the invitation. It is just as judgmental to get your feathers in a knot and decline the invite because of the request. Have a conversation with this person. They may not have meant for it to be a big fuss. It is hard to tell from one sentence.

 

Declining to avoid a bunch of potential drama is neither judgmental nor indicative of getting "your feathers in a knot."

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In the case of our invite, it is at the person's home. I was not offended (though now I'm wondering), just concerned that my idea of modest might not be what is meant. I won't decline based on the request for modest swimwear, but I'd want to be respectful and be sure we wouldn't offend. I'm not sure who else got the email. It's my suit I'd be most worried about. My suits start out fine, but once they are wet it is hard to help cleavage (even though I'm not particularly well-endowed).

 

We can't attend the party which is a mix of kids and adults, but I'd still like to know what 'modest' means to the family. We have known them for about a year and we are sort of friends, but I still feel like I don't know them that well.

 

Edited b/c my stupid laptop changed well to week and I changed it back!

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In the case of our invite, it is at the person's home. I was not offended (though now I'm wondering), just concerned that my idea of modest might not be what is meant. I won't decline based on the request for modest swimwear, but I'd want to be respectful and be sure we wouldn't offend. I'm not sure who else got the email. It's my suit I'd be most worried about. My suits start out fine, but once they are wet it is hard to help cleavage (even though I'm not particularly week-endowed).

 

We can't attend the party which is a mix of kids and adults, but I'd still like to know what 'modest' means to the family. We have known them for about a year and we are sort of friends, but I still feel like I don't know them that well.

 

 

I would probably ask what they mean by modest. If it involved layering excessive clothing onto my dd then I would probably not go.

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Do most boys cover their tummies? If not, then the standards are very different.

 

I find the tshirt over a swimsuit thing very strange. Bars have wet tshirt contests for a reason.

 

I agree.

 

Also our public pool doesn't allow t-shirts because they get heavy when soaked and can cause safety concerns. (Maybe not major but still a concern.)

 

 

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My grandparents own a lake cabin and do not allow bikinis or speedos for family members. We are a small, close family and this has never been an issue. But they NEVER put that requirement on guests. Guests wear whatever they want. I think it is an incredibly strange request.

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I don't think it's judgmental or necessarily getting your "feathers in a knot" to decide it isn't worth the hassle.

 

Okay, I do think it is judgmental and I also think it is judgmental to send the request. We are all making judgments all the time based on our beliefs and preferences. I could decide to avoid the issue and decline and still respect the person who issued the invite--even if I did make a judgement. Now, if i decided to have an argument or set someone straight, or tried to force my own ideas on someone else--that I see as a problem. It is perfectly okay for people to have differing opinions.

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I would probably ask what they mean by modest. If it involved layering excessive clothing onto my dd then I would probably not go.

 

That is what I intend to do for future reference. I'll post back when I find out what it means to my friend (on the remote chance anyone here is interested). :tongue_smilie:

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My social group is pretty conservative and a comment like that would be pretty "normal". In my view, this would include a 1-piece or tankini for girls, and no speedos for boys (although what boy would be seen in one??) If the host was exceptionally, uh, invested in modesty, I would call to clarify if my view was correct, or she was thinking more coverage. I would not decline because of the request, but might decline if I had to buy something to accommodate.

 

In our faith, we put alot of emphasis on respecting the consciences of others. It would not be unusual to see a request like that or to accommodate it. I have taught DD from the time she was small that people have different consciences, that doesn't make things wrong, but we should respect their conscience if we are able.

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Okay, I do think it is judgmental and I also think it is judgmental to send the request. We are all making judgments all the time based on our beliefs and preferences. I could decide to avoid the issue and decline and still respect the person who issued the invite--even if I did make a judgement. Now, if i decided to have an argument or set someone straight, or tried to force my own ideas on someone else--that I see as a problem. It is perfectly okay for people to have differing opinions.

 

I see a difference between being judgmental (I meant this definition of the word: "characterized by a tendency to judge harshly") and making a judgment. I agree that we all make judgments all the time.

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Okay, I do think it is judgmental and I also think it is judgmental to send the request. We are all making judgments all the time based on our beliefs and preferences. I could decide to avoid the issue and decline and still respect the person who issued the invite--even if I did make a judgement. Now, if i decided to have an argument or set someone straight, or tried to force my own ideas on someone else--that I see as a problem. It is perfectly okay for people to have differing opinions.

 

Being judgmental is usually defined as being critical. Lots of people have social anxiety and would not put themselves in situations where they *know* they are being watched and judged. Asking for modest swimsuits indicates that someone is going to be judging you. Deciding that you don't want to set yourself up for that is not being critical. I would not be upset by any of this (which is how I interpret getting your feathers in a knot), but I might decline depending upon how well I knew the person or their reply to my query.

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I see a difference between being judgmental (I meant this definition of the word: "characterized by a tendency to judge harshly") and making a judgment. I agree that we all make judgments all the time.

 

I know, and I get what you are saying. I just think we are over using the word and making it sound as though we should never make a judgement on anything. I have talked to adult women who think they have no right to their own views b/c then they would be 'judgmental'.

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I

Declining to avoid a bunch of potential drama is neither judgmental nor indicative of getting "your feathers in a knot."

 

I don't think it's judgmental or necessarily getting your "feathers in a knot" to decide it isn't worth the hassle.

 

 

 

These were where that "feathers in a knot" feeling was coming from:

 

"I probably wouldn't be very close friends with someone who thought I was too stupid to pick my own swimwear. Good gravy"

 

or "I think it is an incredibly rude requirement to put on guests. It is the equivalent of saying to wedding guests "formalwear AND women's dresses must cover shoulders and upper arms".

 

 

 

My terminology was not to present harshness, but to suggest that quite a few posters took immediate offense. Avoiding the drama is fine, I get that, but there seems to be a presumed hostility/judgement by the one extending the invite when that may not be the case. There may very well be, but at least give the benefit of the doubt. I'm just saying check first then get offended if need-be. :tongue_smilie:

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I always answer this with the same response..... What will the guys wear?

 

That will determine my response and whether these are people I want involved in my children's lives.

 

I grew up in the worst mindset of this type of thinking and I have not one bit of tolerance for it as an adult. And have no problem deciding to distance my family from those with that mindset. In fact I joke with a couple of close friends that swim season is the test of friendship. Some come out stronger,some become winter only friends and others get dropped. I put up with a lot of differences but the modesty one is a deal breaker for me. I know firsthand about that one and will not let my kids experience what I did on that one.

 

Judgmental it is. But I can't forget how it felt, the obvious double standard for the guys, and the way the men leered and looked which always meant a new "modesty" discussion and up the anty on how to make girls in water look unappealing and not also die of heat stroke from the excessive clothes that no matter what revealed more than some wanted.

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