Please comment on dd's first research paper

[mamato4]

This is dd's (9th grade) first research paper where she has to come up with a thesis and support it. If anyone could comment and give advice/critiques, I'd greatly appreciate it.

 

She does not have a title yet. It's about the effects of the sewing machine on society. This is the first draft.

 

Many people in the United States today take it for granted that they can walk into a store and obtain an entirely new outfit of clothing without having to do much work on their part apart from paying. However, clothes still have to be sewn, and, unlike earlier times, they are created in factories on that all important invention: the sewing machine. While the efficient sewing machine aided domestic and commercial production of clothing greatly, it did not necessarily decrease work and ultimately led to the rise of the sewing sweatshop.

 

The practical sewing machine had its first start in an invention from a man named Walter Hunt around 1833 (Abbot). While there had previously been various attempts to create such a machine, Hunt’s was unique in that it utilized the lockstitch; Hunt ultimately never commercialized the machine because he feared it would cause seamstresses to lose their jobs (Abbot). The next step in the sewing machine’s inception came when Elias Howe patented his machine in 1846 (Abbot). Howe’s machine was a great improvement over hand sewing, as it could accomplish around 250 stitches per minute as opposed to the 40 stitches per minute of a seamstress, but was nonetheless not extremely efficient because of frequent thread breaks and consequently stops (Evans). Finally, in 1850, Isaac Singer devised his own machine—it would become the first efficient sewing machine (Evans). A practical sewing machine needed “ten essential mechanical features†for the machine to be “viable and versatile†(Evans); Singer had included all ten. Among his improvements to the machine were a vertical sewing needle instead of a horizontal one and a foot treadle and presser foot (Evans). Isaac Singer also showed his ingenuity in the fact that, while the first machines were much too heavy and expensive for home use, he began to market his machines to housewives (Evans).

 

The sewing machine did eventually become prevalent in homes and had several paradoxical effects on domestic life. Since home-sewn clothing was predominant until the late 1800s (MOAH), the sewing machine reduced the amount of time and work it took for a housewife to sew clothing for her household: an average shirt that required around 20,620 stitches hand-sewn at around 35 stitches per minute meant that the single shirt could take anywhere from ten to fourteen hours to complete, while the sewing machine’s rate of 3000 stitches per minute meant that a shirt only took around an hour to make (Perkin). This freed up women’s hours for other activities and pastimes, and also made it possible for a housewife to earn some money via sewing. This reduced working time also had negative effects, however. The faster sewing time led to more and more elaborate garments, which in turn led to, in effect, the same amount of work as before (Abbot). Many attachments for the sewing machine for embellishing clothing were sold, claiming to reduce the work needed to add ruffles and trim, but in reality required much time and effort (Abbot). Thus, while the sewing machine made work faster for housewives, it did not necessarily reduce the amount of work required of them.

 

Machine sewing also led to some interesting effects in the social sphere. Before, a person’s rank was denoted much by the clothing he or she wore: a nobleman or wealthy lady would wear the latest fashions in the finest materials, while workingmen wore much simpler, rougher shirts and pants. However, during the latter 19^th century, many “common†people—the middle class—began adopting the fashions of the wealthy (Abbot). This was due in part to the rise of the sewing machine and the ready-made garment industry. Interestingly, fashion also moved in the opposite direction, with the wealthy adopting the clothes of the working class (Abbot), perhaps another result of the ready-made garment industry. All in all, the ready-made garment industry, and indirectly the sewing machine, eventually eliminated much class distinction based on clothes.

 

Undeniably, the sewing machine has had a profound effect on the commercial garment industry. While the ready-made garment industry had existed for some time—one of the most famous operations being that of Levis Strauss in 1849—all the sewing for these articles still had to be done by hand (Abbot). With the advent of the sewing machine in the ready-made garment industry, work could be done faster in less time. This resulted in higher profits and lower prices, the latter of which allowed “stylish clothing [to become] available to almost everyone†(Perkin). However, the sewing machine also led to progressively worse conditions for seamstresses and ultimately the rise of the sweatshops.

 

In the new garment-making industry, seamstresses no longer sewed piece-meal at home, but instead onsite at work in shops or factories (Abbot). These worksites often had unsafe conditions and outrageous working hours and rules, and were called sweatshops (Perkin). Long hours on minimal wages were common, as were crowded, unsanitary rooms with many other hazards (Perkin). Many workers, commonly women and children, were expected to provide their own materials, such as thread, for sewing and finishing—though the sewing machine was becoming more competent, much garments and other articles still had to be finished by hand (Perkin). Most alarming was the wages workers were paid. Workers were paid per piece, but when they worked harder and faster to try to meet expectations, the already insufficient piece-rates were lowered: “the faster they worked, the more likely piece rates would be lowered†(Perkin).

 

Sewing machines made work faster for both domestic and commercial sewers, but did they really make work easier? The housewife was now expected to produce a greater quantity of garments in more elaborate designs; the worker was now expected to produce a greater quantity of garments in dismal conditions for less and less wages. Unfortunately, the sweatshop still exists today, with workers operating under virtually the same conditions as they did almost two centuries ago. So the next time you pick up a shirt at a store, try to think of the work that went into it. Try to be conscious about the company’s standards regarding working conditions. And instead of complaining of high prices, try to remember that the person who made that shirt was probably paid significantly less.

[history_junkie]

I skimmed over it with my Rhetoric teacher glasses...

 

It's a very interesting topic and she does a good job of providing sources and facts. Her writing is generally clear and easy to understand. If she were my student doing a revision of the paper, I would ask her to do the following:

 

Think about the possibility of another opinion. Who says that the sewing machine was a great invention that revolutionized life for the better? Can she provide some information that opposes her own in order to make her argument stronger? She does provide a good amount of facts and information, so I'm wondering if what she says is a moot point, or if it is actually a unique viewpoint.

 

Introduce authors and vary quote integration. Most sentences seem to parrot facts from a source. Can she work on using a variety of quotes, paraphrases, and summaries and integrate them in different ways? The Purdue Owl has some excellent resources to help with this.

 

Hope that helps! I'm actually very intrigued by the topic :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

I agree that her writing is clear. The thesis development is a bit problematic. Did she use an outline? Her thesis paragraph says that the sewing machine led to the rise of the commercial sweatshop. Her second paragraph discusses the invention of the sewing machine - but focuses on home use instead of commercial. Her third paragraph focuses on how the home sewing machine changed home sewing but ultimately not the amount of work involved. Fourth paragraph - how the ready made garment industry changed society by taking away class distinctions. 5th paragraph - she has looped around to her thesis and basically states it again. 6th paragraph - she describes sweatshops of the past. 7th paragraph (conclusion) - she restates her thesis by asking if the sewing machine made work easier. Was that her original thesis?

[mamato4]

history junkie: I was concerned about her point not being unique or very original. Most of her paper seem to be facts she gleaned from other sources. (BTW, Happy 1st Anniversary!)

 

Jean: What would you say to her, if she was your student, to help her improve on the thesis development? She did create an outline.

 

Thank you both for your comments. Writing is not my forte and I have a hard time knowing how to critique dd's writing.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm working with my own son on this so I can tell you what I tell him. A paper with a thesis is a written argument. You write down your basic argument in the thesis paragraph. But you also acknowledge what the other side might say. If you can't find a reasonable argument against your thesis, it isn't strong enough. Find one that has enough controversy for there to be two sides. "It is hot in Florida in the summer" is not a thesis! I think this is primarily where she had her problem. She needed a better, more defined thesis with a definable counter argument.

 

Then you lay out your argument step by step. You might have to start (as she did) with some background explanation but you should then quickly move into making your case. As you make your case, point out where it rebuts the other side. Then finish your argument by summarizing it again - not just what it is, but why it is the best solution for the argument. She did try to do this at the end by making it personal. It would have worked if her argument before that had been more developed.

[mamato4]

Thank you, Jean!  Hope you are enjoying celebrating the Fourth!

[PeterPan]

The things you're seeing where it comes across like a report (a list of facts) rather than a research paper is because her thesis isn't clearly defined.  Once she has it, her analysis will get stronger.  Her writing is BEAUTIFUL and engaging, and the topic definitely is worth pursuing.  Like I told my dd though, when she did her first project like this, I said *Don't be afraid to give your opinion.*  You've learned something, so now you can have worthwhile analysis and opinion.  If she gets a strong thesis statement and adds in a few sentences here and there, she'll probably be there.  It's an AWESOME first attempt.

 

The other thing you can do, as the mentor, is get inside her head before she gets to this point.  As you see, it's a lot harder to go back and add when it's already done.  So require the clear statement of thesis and outline that supports it mid-stage, before she starts writing.  

 

Btw, has she thought of doing National History Day?  She's got terrific style in her writing.  She might do exceptionally well with NHD.  :)

[mamato4]

Thank you, OhElizabeth, for Your comments.  I printed out everyone's comments so she could read it.  You made a good point about voicing her own opinion.  I have to make sure she remembers that when she goes at this project again next week.  We've started talking about refining her thesis statement to make it more focused.

 

I got the idea of a historical research paper from NHD.  I let choose between taking APUSH or writing a research paper and she chose the paper :-)

[PeterPan]

So are you saying she's going to try to compete in NHD?  Make sure you connect with one of the gurus here (Muttichen, for instance) and pick their brains on how to do the paper category for NHD.  You can also google and find other kids' papers online that they've entered.  Might give her positive examples of what she's trying to do...

[mamato4]

By the time I found out about NHD, it was too late for this schoolyear.  But it was worth having her practice her first paper.  So this is prepping for next schoolyear.  Thanks for reminding me about the other pros on the board.

[PeterPan]

Just so you know, you can and actually SHOULD start your NHD project now.  I know it sounds early, but it's not.   :)  You can start after Nationals are over, and they're over.   :)

 

And yes, we started our project the end of January because someone on the boards sorta hinted it wasn't too late, that it would only take 100 hours to do a project.   :lol:   *200* hours later she was done.   :thumbup:   

 

But you know, it was awesome and a fun experience.  She's all psyched up about this coming year and is already talking about a project.  The theme for 2014 is Rights & Responsibilities, so it takes some time to think through what you're interested in and how you can view it from that angle and then find a story worth telling for it.  

 

So anyways, start checking into it now if you think you might want to.  It's not too early.  We're looking forward to a more relaxed pace.  :)

[Joy777]

Hi mamato4,

 

I'm just a newbie on this forum, so here's a little bit about me.  I've homeschooled three children for 18 years.  My eldest dd is now in college and is doing very well.  She had no problem getting accepted or making the transition to college work.  My other two are homeschooling in high school.

 

I enjoyed reading your dd's research paper and agree with OhElizabeth.  A couple of other things:  In your dd's first draft, I see potentially 2-3 research papers .   Narrowing her focus a bit will help her develop a concise thesis and a "tighter" research paper.   She has good facts, but examples are always good to support those facts to "flesh it out" for the reader.  Lastly, who is your dd's audience?  Is this written to her peers, her peers' parents, someone in the legislature?  Your dd's paper is engaging, flows nicely with good transitions and inspired me to do a little research on my own. :)  Well done to both of you. :hurray:

 

[mamato4]

Thank you, Joy777, for your comments.  Dd s in the rewriting stage now but going at a slow pace due to the many summer distractions.  I will pass on your comments to her.