I really need advice... Friendship issues - UPDATE

[scrapbabe]

Edited to explain for those who think it was too intense of a relationship.

This is the first time I've ever had such an intense friendship. Where I got sucked in was I was struggling with depression. I was healing from cancer and had a husband who was never home. I really needed daily support at the time. I think she was struggling with life too and had a husband who was cheating on her. We both understood each others depression when no one else could. So looking back it was I guess intense, but that's not the norm for me. She was like a sister, and I would hang out with my sister daily if she lived close

Original post:

Okay I live in a house full of boys and I need some female perspective. It's gonna take a little time to explain, so bless you if you make it all the way through. 3 1/2 years ago I became friends with Kitty. She and I hit it off instantly. I had moved to a new town and didn't know anyone. I'd been here for more than a year and still hadn't made a friend. When we met I thought she was an answer to prayers. She made me feel like I was an answer for her as well. Our kids got along great. She and I would get together at her house monday thru Friday and work out together. We had family get togethers every Friday night. We'd go to the movies, swimming, etc. We texted several times a day. I thought we were best friends.

Well several months into the friendship I realized she was friends with another gal (Sally). Sally started showing up more and more. Sally and Kitty had been friends before I met Kitty, but I thought it was only thru Sally's mother. Kitty never talked about Sally, ever. But all of the sudden Sally started becoming more a part of Kitty's life, but Kitty always seemed to keep it secret. I thought nothing of it. But the more and more Sally showed up it seemed like she was trying to compete with me for Kitty's friendship. I thought it silly because I was confident I knew where my friendship with Kitty stood, and it didn't bother me that she was befriending Sally. Why should it?

Well it wasn't uncommon for Kitty and I to drop off goodies at each others houses, especially when one of us had had a bad day. One day I pulled up to Kitty's house with her favorite treat. I knew she didn't like to answer the door so I texted to let her know I was knocking so she'd open the door. I texted: are you home? She replied: almost, why? Well I was sitting outside and had already sent my son to the door to knock. She answered. She had just told me she wasn't home yet but there she was and Sally was there too. Kitty hid behind the door and tried to shoo my son away and said quietly: tell your mom thanks. Well my son, the chatter, didn't leave. Realizing by now that I would know she was there she came out and said I was literally just pulling in when you texted. I knew it wasn't true, but didn't know what to think. I was hurt, deeply. Why had she lied to me?

So for the first time I questioned our friendship. Well Sally kept showing up more and more. In fact pretty soon Sally was getting divorced and asked to live with Kitty and her family. Kitty was pregnant at the time. Sally moved in and Kitty who usually confided in me about everything became very tight lipped about anything having to do with Sally and her living with Kitty.

Well Sally moved out and it came time for Kitty to have her baby. She said she didn't want anyone there but her husband at the hospital. Kitty called to tell me she was in labor and heading to the hospital. I wished her good luck. Then I find out Sally was there with her. Sally texted me throughout the delivery telling me every detail in what seemed to me to be a gloating manner. I was crushed and hurt. Sally told me baby was here. Then I hear nothing from kitty for hours. Then 15 min before visiting hrs ended she texted and asked if I wanna come visit. I couldn't make it there in 15 minutes so didn't go. I felt confused and hurt.

A few weeks after baby was born both Sally and kitty got divorces and moved in together with their kids to help cover all the costs. Everything went down hill from there. We stopped getting together, texts weren't as often, etc. I figured we were done. I wrote and told her how hurt I had been by all of it. She insisted we get together and talk. She cried, said she was sorry, and that life had been crazy, that none of it was intentional. I believed her and tried to be friends again. But nothing improved. Our relationship was reduced to superficial texting. That's where we've been for months. Fast forward to the future. I just had a baby three months ago. She sent me an email and text wondering why I had been so distant and how hurt she was that I didn't invite her to see the baby. She cried and made me feel like I had been wrong about everything. That she still wanted to fight for our friendship. I wondered if it had somehow been my fault. So we started talking again, just through text. She kept saying how hard it had been to not get to see or hold my baby. She made a big deal so I invited her over and she keep putting it off. We got together once and she never even asked to hold the baby. Just a couple of weeks after that she moved 300 miles away and texts often, but it still feels superficial and I still feel like she's hiding parts of her life from me. I feel like she's sincere in her desire to be friends but that there's only a fraction of her life she wants to share with me.

I struggle alot with it and would be less stressed if we just let it go. But it seems mean to just cut her off after her pleadings. I feel guilty and torn. I long for the friendship I thought we had and that makes it hard to be where we are now. It feels like it's all been a lie. And yet I feel like she's sincere in wanting to remain friends.

So what would you do? End it? Just stick with superficial texting? Maybe it's not superficial but it's not at all like it was in the beginning. She still keeps things from me. I just need advice.

[Lisa R.]

Healthy friendships should not be this hard. There is entirely too much drama here. I value friends that are loyal and steady. This one isn't.

[NorthwestMom]

You can't have a healthy relationship with someone who is not healthy herself, and who is not honest with you. I'd fade away and lick my wounds privately.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[scrapbabe]

N/a

[Forget-Me-Not]

Any chance she's in a romantic relationship with Sally and thinks you won't understand/approve?

 

I think, if at all possible, you need to SPEAK to each other (not email/text). See if you can clear the air and figure out what happened. If that doesn't work, then it may be time to move on.

 

I'm very sorry. It's painful I know :(

[scrapbabe]

I have wondered too if they're in a relationship. Sally's mother once accused them of it and kitty was mad. So I haven't dared to ask her. When she had her baby we did get together and had a heart to heart and I thought we were ok but things never got better. I agree talking is best but I also don't wanna get roped in. The heart to hearts don't lead to change with her.

[Truscifi]

Any chance she's in a romantic relationship with Sally and thinks you won't understand/approve?

 

I think, if at all possible, you need to SPEAK to each other (not email/text). See if you can clear the air and figure out what happened. If that doesn't work, then it may be time to move on.

 

I'm very sorry. It's painful I know :(

 

This was my first thought as well. If she wants to keep you as a friend but thinks you would respond badly to her being in a relationship with Sally that would explain a lot of her behavior.

[AK_Mom4]

Honestly, I would just let her go. She has moved 300 miles away and has a new life with Sally (romantic or otherwise).

 

It's hard and I know it hurts. Just stop answering the text messages. The other posters' are right - too much drama for this to be worthwhile.

[Lisbeth]

I wouldn't have the time or patience for this unstable, immature scenario. I would just not be available and gracefully bow out.

[scrapbabe]

 

 

This was my first thought as well. If she wants to keep you as a friend but thinks you would respond badly to her being in a relationship with Sally that would explain a lot of her behavior.

. I agree but I don't think she'd tell me even if I asked.

[bettyandbob]

I'd let it go. Whatever the issues she is not emotionally able to handle a friendship now and yor friendship wasn't that well established to suggest waiting her problems out.

 

Do you have time to go to local activities of Internet without kids. You can look up meet ups online and find local French speakers/knitters/beermakers, and find how to join the group of your interest? You could join the local running club and get to know gals in that group or a masters swim team. It will take time again, but you will alo be doing an activity you like as you get to know people.

[Dandelion]

Based on what you've described, I wondered whether Kitty and Sally are romantically involved too.

 

Personally, I would end it. I don't do drama in my friendships. It's draining and never worth it IME. Put that time and emotional energy into friendships that are reciprocal and make you happy, rather than cause you pain.

[Truscifi]

. I agree but I don't think she'd tell me even if I asked.

 

Maybe you don't ask then. Just make a general statement to the effect that you don't care about her personal or romantic relationships, you just miss her friendship and how close you used to be when you could talk about everything. Assuming, of course, that this is how you feel, and that you feel it is worth it to make one more effort to save the friendship.

[Catwoman]

Ditch her NOW and don't look back.

 

Who cares what her relationship is with Sally? Kitty has intentionally and willfully lied to you and withheld information from you. She has been an absolutely terrible friend on many levels.

 

Honestly, I can't imagine why you'd feel anything but complete animosity toward her. I would never want her as a friend.

 

Seriously -- go back and re-read your original post and explain to me how Kitty is anything but a complete wackadoodle drama queen. Why would you want to bother with her at all? The great times you had in the past were just that -- in the past. After the way she has behaved, you're never going to feel the same way about her again, and quite frankly, if you do, you're probably being a fool. She has shown her true colors, and they're not pretty.

 

You deserve a better friend than Kitty.

 

RUN.

[scrapbabe]

Ditch her NOW and don't look back.

 

Who cares what her relationship is with Sally? Kitty has intentionally and willfully lied to you and withheld information from you. She has been an absolutely terrible friend on many levels.

 

Honestly, I can't imagine why you'd feel anything but complete animosity toward her. I would never want her as a friend.

 

Seriously -- go back and re-read your original post and explain to me how Kitty is anything but a complete wackadoodle drama queen. Why would you want to bother with her at all? The great times you had in the past were just that -- in the past. After the way she has behaved, you're never going to feel the same way about her again, and quite frankly, if you do, you're probably being a fool. She has shown her true colors, and they're not pretty.

 

You deserve a better friend than Kitty.

 

RUN

 

 

 

 

I agree and had totally moved on. While pregnant I didn't talk to her for a few months. Then she made me feel awful about not sharing the birth of my baby with her. I knew how awful she made me feel when her baby was born and she left me out. So I started doubting myself and wondering if I had been wrong. Right now I'm holding on because I guess I feel like I owe her. Other than wanting to be a good person I don't feel an emotional attachment to her at all. I guess I don't wanna be the bad guy if I owe her a chance.

[scrapbabe]

Based on what you've described, I wondered whether Kitty and Sally are romantically involved too.

 

Personally, I would end it. I don't do drama in my friendships. It's draining and never worth it IME. Put that time and emotional energy into friendships that are reciprocal and make you happy, rather than cause you pain.

 

. You're right. My emotionally energy would be better spent elsewhere. I feel completely drained.

[Denise in IN]

Deception, manipulation, drama. You do not owe her any more chances. I would back away and not get in a situation to be manipulated by her again.

 

I hope you can find some true, drama-free friends!

[TranquilMind]

Any chance she's in a romantic relationship with Sally and thinks you won't understand/approve?

 

I think, if at all possible, you need to SPEAK to each other (not email/text). See if you can clear the air and figure out what happened. If that doesn't work, then it may be time to move on.

 

I'm very sorry. It's painful I know :(

 

That was my first thought as well.

 

I've lost good friends, though not for this reason. But it sounds like the writing is on the wall. In my experience (and I hope it would NOT be your experience) - once a friendship has deteriorated and trust has been lost, I have not been able to recover it. It's just never the same.

[Joanne]

Too much drama, lesbian lovers or not.

 

(My vote was yes, probably after the second mention of competititive female friend).

[TranquilMind]

Ditch her NOW and don't look back.

 

Who cares what her relationship is with Sally? Kitty has intentionally and willfully lied to you and withheld information from you. She has been an absolutely terrible friend on many levels.

 

Honestly, I can't imagine why you'd feel anything but complete animosity toward her. I would never want her as a friend.

 

Seriously -- go back and re-read your original post and explain to me how Kitty is anything but a complete wackadoodle drama queen. Why would you want to bother with her at all? The great times you had in the past were just that -- in the past. After the way she has behaved, you're never going to feel the same way about her again, and quite frankly, if you do, you're probably being a fool. She has shown her true colors, and they're not pretty.

 

You deserve a better friend than Kitty.

 

RUN.

 

Everything you say here is correct, Cat, and what all of us know is the right answer, when we are on the outside.

 

On the inside, it gets so very confusing though. We always think that if we just did or said something different, it somehow could have turned out differently. It hurts even more when your kids and your husband are involved, and you are all close friends.

[TranquilMind]

Based on what you've described, I wondered whether Kitty and Sally are romantically involved too.

 

Personally, I would end it. I don't do drama in my friendships. It's draining and never worth it IME. Put that time and emotional energy into friendships that are reciprocal and make you happy, rather than cause you pain.

 

Where can I - as well as the Original poster - find all your NORMAL, non-drama friends?

 

WHERE ARE YOU?

[Dandelion]

Where can I - as well as the Original poster - find all your NORMAL, non-drama friends?

 

WHERE ARE YOU?

 

LOL. I'm in Colorado Springs. Come on out and I'll introduce you to my wonderful, interesting yet non-dramatic friends. Drama-free people do exist. I've had to dump a lot of drama queens on the way to creating this group of friends though.

[scrapbabe]

 

 

LOL. I'm in Colorado Springs. Come on out and I'll introduce you to my wonderful, interesting yet non-dramatic friends. Drama-free people do exist. I've had to dump a lot of drama queens on the way to creating this group of friends though.

. You're only like 6 hrs away. Maybe I'll commute. ;)

[TranquilMind]

. You're only like 6 hrs away. Maybe I'll commute. ;)

 

Yeah, me too....what's a few days of driving?

[scrapbabe]

 

 

Everything you say here is correct, Cat, and what all of us know is the right answer, when we are on the outside.

 

On the inside, it gets so very confusing though. We always think that if we just did or said something different, it somehow could have turned out differently. It hurts even more when your kids and your husband are involved, and you are all close friends.

. That's why I came here though, for some much needed outside perspective. But you're right, I am full of what ifs and if onlys.

[Dandelion]

. You're only like 6 hrs away. Maybe I'll commute. ;)

Yeah, me too....what's a few days of driving?

 

Road trip!!! :D

[Catwoman]

I agree and had totally moved on. While pregnant I didn't talk to her for a few months. Then she made me feel awful about not sharing the birth of my baby with her. I knew how awful she made me feel when her baby was born and she left me out. So I started doubting myself and wondering if I had been wrong. Right now I'm holding on because I guess I feel like I owe her. Other than wanting to be a good person I don't feel an emotional attachment to her at all. I guess I don't wanna be the bad guy if I owe her a chance.

 

But why would you owe her anything? :confused:

 

She's trying to manipulate you into doing what she wants you to do. Friends don't do that.

[Catwoman]

Everything you say here is correct, Cat, and what all of us know is the right answer, when we are on the outside.

 

On the inside, it gets so very confusing though. We always think that if we just did or said something different, it somehow could have turned out differently. It hurts even more when your kids and your husband are involved, and you are all close friends.

 

I don't think I'd find this particular situation to be confusing. Kitty sounds like a liar and a manipulator, and I think I would be relieved to have seen her true colors and be done with her. If I felt that I had been lied to, used, and manipulated by someone I'd considered a close friend, I would never want to deal with that person again.

 

I'm pretty cut-and-dried about these things. I have no patience for liars, manipulators, or drama queens, and Kitty is all three of those things and then some. Even if scrapbabe made a few mistakes during the friendship (and I don't really believe that she did,) that's no excuse for Kitty to try to make her feel guilty and obligated to her as a result.

[scrapbabe]

 

 

I don't think I'd find this particular situation to be confusing. Kitty sounds like a liar and a manipulator, and I think I would be relieved to have seen her true colors and be done with her. If I felt that I had been lied to, used, and manipulated by someone I'd considered a close friend, I would never want to deal with that person again.

 

I'm pretty cut-and-dried about these things. I have no patience for liars, manipulators, or drama queens, and Kitty is all three of those things and then some. Even if scrapbabe made a few mistakes during the friendship (and I don't really believe that she did,) that's no excuse for Kitty to try to make her feel guilty and obligated to her as a result.

. I really appreciate your candid remarks and assessment. I needed to hear it.

[Tap]

To me, friendships are phases of life. Some last a life time and some people are only in our lives for a short period of time, when our lives/paths/interests/needs coincide. When things sync, it is a great thing. It is easy to feel the need to fix a relationship when it gets out of sync, but honestly sometimes it is just a sign that it is time to let go and move on. You tried to repair. You tried a break. You tried honesty. You tried a change in support (becoming more casual). To me it just sounds like your friendship ran its course and it is now time to let go. Appreciate that you had the time together and realize that your lives no longer 'sync'. You can stay casual texting friends if you want, but if that is hurting you then I would just ask her to let you go. You can be cordial, you can be kind, just get going.

[StephanieZ]

I'd bet dollars to donuts that Kitty and Sally are romantically involved. Perhaps Kitty had actually been infatuated with YOU before developing her relationship with Sally. It sounds like Kitty was having two very intense friendships with both of you. She was presumably very needy and emotionally chaotic given her pregnancy and subsequent divorce.

 

If you are OK with homosexuality, then I'd just suggest trying to be compassionate to her, as she is obviously struggling on many levels. I'd try to be kind and keep a bit of distance (to avoid drama) while allowing her to settle into her life as it is now. Even if there is not a new sexual identity that she is coming to terms with, there is a divorce, which is traumatic enough alone. So, be compassionate, be kind, and remember that it is NOT about you! Sexuality is her private business, so if she isn't bringing it up, you shouldn't be either. When it does come up, find ways to express your acceptance.

 

If you aren't OK with homosexuality, then definitely just let the friendship go.

 

FWIW, it sounds like a very intense friendship. As a grown up (after 25 or so), I've found that the few women who foster such immediate and intense friendships tend to be unstable. It is easy to be drawn in, especially when you are new to town and in need of connections, but that kind of intensity is not normal IME. Grown up friendships tend to evolve much more slowly and to not be terribly intense. It's sad in a way, and I think most of us long on some level for those intense best-friend relationships we had in high school or college . . . but unless you live in the same town as those friends from high school, it is unlikely you'll get them. If you do, it'll probably take many years to evolve.

 

Anyhow, I, too, was once drawn into an intense (but not THAT intense, lol) friendship quickly with a lovely woman. I was new to town, and she was charming. But, within 6-12 months, it was apparent that she was also unstable. We parted ways with minimal drama, but I learned to be much more skeptical of overly enthusiastic friendships, lol. Intensity is flattering and alluring, but it is probably a fairly good predictor of drama and instability.

 

(((hugs)))

[Melissa in Australia]

I am sort of surprised by the level of intensity in the friendship. I have never had a friend that I would even think of inviting to my births, or a friend where we text, call, see each other every single day. I would need more space.

[violamama]

It would be hard or impossible for me to have a friend who needs the level of intensity you both seemed to have going in that friendship. I have a few great friends. One did come (with my parents & husband) to the birth of my first child. It was a moment in time where she could be there and we were just both so excited about the whole thing. Reciprocation wasn't expected and neither was an invitation to every birth. I haven't talked to her in a few months- and I know if I were to give her a call or arrange a trip to see her it would be like old times. I can call her when I need to talk, and vice versa.

 

Great friendships survive with years where one or the other is busy, may be less available, may need different kinds of interaction. My main relationship is with my husband, and I don't even text him twice a day... but again, different strokes for different folks.

 

I think it's actually a little unhealthy to look for everything you need from one friend. Maintaining friendships with a variety of people makes it possible to be more resilient and flexible when seasons change.

[kewb]

Life is too short for high maintenance friends. Move on and don't look back.

[Joanne]

.

 

If you are OK with homosexuality, then I'd just suggest trying to be compassionate to her, as she is obviously struggling on many levels. I'd try to be kind and keep a bit of distance (to avoid drama) while allowing her to settle into her life as it is now. Even if there is not a new sexual identity that she is coming to terms with, there is a divorce, which is traumatic enough alone. So, be compassionate, be kind, and remember that it is NOT about you! Sexuality is her private business, so if she isn't bringing it up, you shouldn't be either. When it does come up, find ways to express your acceptance.

 

If you aren't OK with homosexuality, then definitely just let the friendship go.

 

 

 

 

I'm completely ok with homosexuality; my decision to end the friendship (or keep it, but that wouldn't be my decision in this case) would be based completely on the weird, immature, creepy drama.

[Remudamom]

Shake it off and walk away. Don't backtrack.

[StephanieZ]

 

 

I'm completely ok with homosexuality; my decision to end the friendship (or keep it, but that wouldn't be my decision in this case) would be based completely on the weird, immature, creepy drama.

 

You are probably wise to advise to cut your losses based on the drama. I agree it is out of hand. I tend to be overly tolerant of crazy friends, lol. I just was suggesting that if the friend was going through such life-changing internal drama as leaving her husband and changing her sexual identity, then the friend might indeed be acting like a lunatic, but it might be more understandable and forgivable, and might improve over time as the friend settled down. I freely admit to collecting lunatics for friends, though, because of my habit of being too tolerant and forgiving of these kinds of lunatic behaviors.

 

On second thought, Joanne is right. No matter the reason, Kitty has been a nut. Cut your losses, move on, and find new friends.

[J-rap]

I feel like she's sincere in her desire to be friends

 

I would finish the above quote with "...but she is too emotionally unstable to do so."

 

And then just let her go, for now.

 

You two had a good friendship when you most needed it, and that was great. Now -- for reasons that she's too embarrassed or confused about to share -- her life has become too troubled and unstable to know how to maintain a healthy friendship.

 

I'd try not to hold it against her too much, be thankful for the time you had, and then move on.

 

Perhaps down the road when/if she straightens out her life again, things will change. That has happened with a couple of "lost" friends of mine before.

[Catwoman]

. I really appreciate your candid remarks and assessment. I needed to hear it.

 

Thanks. :)

 

You seem like such a kind and compassionate person, and unfortunately it's often the really nice people who are taken advantage of, because you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I honestly believe that you deserve a much better friend than Kitty. It sounds like she needs you to be her friend, but that she's not really your true friend, if that makes any sense at all.

 

Don't waste your time on her -- spend your time and energy on the people who truly love and care about you, like your dh and your kids. Other friendships will come along in time, and hopefully they will be a lot healthier than this one.

 

I'm sorry this is hard for you. :grouphug:

[scrapbabe]

I am sort of surprised by the level of intensity in the friendship. I have never had a friend that I would even think of inviting to my births, or a friend where we text, call, see each other every single day. I would need more space.

 

I suppose from my description that I can see why it sounds intense. I suppose it was a little given the amount of time we spent together. However getting together every day was just having a workout buddy, we both enjoyed the same workout and preferred to workout at home, not the gym. We spoke so often because I was recovering from cancer and my husband was starting a business and was never home. So it seemed natural to text her or her text me to see how I was or for me to have a shoulder to cry on. And for clarity, we didn't invite each other to the birth - I just meant visiting each other at the hospital after baby was born. But it did start very quickly and I now know that I don't want a "best" friend relationship. I love my husband and rely on him more now that he can be home more often. And I definitely think having several good friends is better than one "best" friend.

[Kertie]

Ditch her NOW and don't look back. Who cares what her relationship is with Sally? Kitty has intentionally and willfully lied to you and withheld information from you. She has been an absolutely terrible friend on many levels. Honestly, I can't imagine why you'd feel anything but complete animosity toward her. I would never want her as a friend. Seriously -- go back and re-read your original post and explain to me how Kitty is anything but a complete wackadoodle drama queen. Why would you want to bother with her at all? The great times you had in the past were just that -- in the past. After the way she has behaved, you're never going to feel the same way about her again, and quite frankly, if you do, you're probably being a fool. She has shown her true colors, and they're not pretty. You deserve a better friend than Kitty. RUN.

I agree and had totally moved on. While pregnant I didn't talk to her for a few months. Then she made me feel awful about not sharing the birth of my baby with her. I knew how awful she made me feel when her baby was born and she left me out. So I started doubting myself and wondering if I had been wrong. Right now I'm holding on because I guess I feel like I owe her. Other than wanting to be a good person I don't feel an emotional attachment to her at all. I guess I don't wanna be the bad guy if I owe her a chance.

 

I'm a fan of running swiftly away from Crazy. The fact that you, OP, ended up feeling like you owed her is just more evidence of Crazy. I say you've done your part at being a good friend and it's past time to stop letting her string you along. Remember...Crazy is as Crazy does.

[scrapbabe]

 

 

You are probably wise to advise to cut your losses based on the drama. I agree it is out of hand. I tend to be overly tolerant of crazy friends, lol. I just was suggesting that if the friend was going through such life-changing internal drama as leaving her husband and changing her sexual identity, then the friend might indeed be acting like a lunatic, but it might be more understandable and forgivable, and might improve over time as the friend settled down. I freely admit to collecting lunatics for friends, though, because of my habit of being too tolerant and forgiving of these kinds of lunatic behaviors.

 

On second thought, Joanne is right. No matter the reason, Kitty has been a nut. Cut your losses, move on, and find new friends.

. Yep I'm definitely too tolerant and forgiving. Always disliked that about me. ;). I end up with vampires as friends. Her divorce was almost two years ago. So it's been awhile.

[scrapbabe]

 

 

I'm a fan of running swiftly away from Crazy. The fact that you, OP, ended up feeling like you owed her is just more evidence of Crazy. I say you've done your part at being a good friend and it's past time to stop letting her string you along. Remember...Crazy is as Crazy does.

. Thanks. I can see what you're all saying. It is time to cut ties.

[scrapbabe]

 

 

Thanks. :)

 

You seem like such a kind and compassionate person, and unfortunately it's often the really nice people who are taken advantage of, because you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I honestly believe that you deserve a much better friend than Kitty. It sounds like she needs you to be her friend, but that she's not really your true friend, if that makes any sense at all.

 

Don't waste your time on her -- spend your time and energy on the people who truly love and care about you, like your dh and your kids. Other friendships will come along in time, and hopefully they will be a lot healthier than this one.

 

I'm sorry this is hard for you. :grouphug:

. Thanks Catwoman.

[Starr]

To cut ties you will have to stop all communication or only give neutral responses. Answer any question leaving room for a return comment, good or bad, will continue the relationship. This did not sound like a normal friendship from the beginning. Refocus, refocus. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Cassy]

:grouphug: As you've already been advised, she's a lousy friend, I'm so sorry you've been so badly hurt. Let it go, move on, and let the wounds heal. You deserve so much better.

[lavender's green]

People who have serial intense relationships (romantic or platonic) often turn out to be drama queens (at the more serious end of this is Histrionic Personality Disorder). Life to them is just boring without lots of emotion going on. They often had a bit of a crazy home life growing up, and it's all they know. As relationships naturally lose their intensity over time, they panic and start to manufacture drama, or seek out a new intense relationship. Usually both.

 

You said that your friends often turn out to be vampires. You should spend some serious time thinking about why this is, so that you can break the pattern. It's not because you're tolerant and forgiving, or you'd be making both vampire and non-vampire friends. But you're making only vampire friends. What do you get out of vampires that you keep falling into that pattern?

[gardenmom5]

I would be busy when she calls. It sounds like you have dodged a bullet with this friendship. she sounds messed up and that things are going downhill for her. You don't want her to take you and your family with her.

[Zebra]

One thing I have learned the hard way is, if you lay on the floor people will wipe their feet on you! You must stop allowing people to treat you like a doormat. Kitty clearly has issues of some kind. Sally acting like a 12 year old girl and trying to horn in on your relationship is her issue, but Kitty trying to "hide" it is where it becomes Kitty's issue. I don't know if they are in a secret relationship (and what is more drama filled than a secret relationship!), or if Kitty just likes to make you think that you 2 are absolute best buddies and no one is closer to her than you. This is a weird dynamic and you do need to remove yourself from it. I know it's hard, and I know you long for the "good times", but it sounds to me like Kitty is one of those people who needs the "infatuation" stage in relationships and can't move on to the "boring old shoe" part any relationship naturally progresses to. I would just grow very cool with her. Ignore most of her nonsense, and when pressed just tell her you're too busy or simply don't want to do X with her. She also sounds like the type of person who will start almost stalking you when you try to pull away, so don't get sucked back in. Because the drama of stalking someone who has said "no" is also super fun for drama queens. Just be firm with her, if she texts you all the time mostly ignore her or flat out tell her to stop texting. If she shows up at your house, you have got to be firm and tell her NOT to show up at your house. Trust yourself here, don't believe a word she says and don't allow yourself to be swayed by her manipulation.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Most people I know with healthy adult friendships are friends with a number of people. I can understand how being new in town and having a friend would seem like a lifeline to you. While Kitty's behavior seems strange, there were a couple of things you said that seemed to indicate an unhealthy intensity on your part as well. Perhaps having a counselor to talk this over with might help you with something that obviously bothers you very much.