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So tired of being the bad guy around here


Aspasia
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My dh works long hours and has a long commute, so he mainly just sees our kids on the weekends. Aside from everything else that means, it means that I am the main disciplinarian. My dd thinks I'm so mean and unfair (for normal stuff, like making her clean her room or come in when it's time for dinner). Well, occasionally I try to do out-of-the ordinary fun things with my kids, just because...well, just because. Yesterday I took them to the park and then I was going to surprise them by going out to ice cream. Nice mom, right? But when it was time to leave the park, dd went crazy on me (she's been doing that lately), yelling at me, refusing to leave. So I told her that I had been planning on surprising them with ice cream, but not anymore. Of course that made her even more upset (but I absolutely don't regret telling her what she lost due to her behavior). I did tell her that she would have another chance on another day, but she needs to watch her behavior so that she doesn't miss out on future surprises.

 

Well, last night she was telling dh about it. And what do you know? He said that we could go there today if she behaves.

 

Grrrrr! This happens all the time! And I always tell him why it's a problem for me. But he just doesn't think about it. Actually, he thinks he's helping. I'm not sure how--I dangled a treat, and then took it away. He comes in and gives it to them. Hmmm...how is that helpful?

 

Sorry, I guess I'm just venting.

 

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I get it. When I'm in a good mood, I joke that "I'm the structure, he (dh) is the fun." When I'm not in a good mood, I rant and rave about always having to be the "bad guy." ;-)

 

Dh and I rarely argue, but this topic is the source of most of our disagreements. It's so hard for dh to understand my position, because he sometimes fails to realize that w/o the everyday structure, he wouldn't be able to do all the fun stuff. (And believe me, if I could reduce the structure, I would. We've tried a more laid-back approach, and it backfired each time. Ds really needs firm boundaries. <sigh>)

 

So, hugs to you. I understand!

 

Lisa

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I am often the bad guy too and I hate it.

 

At the same time, I understand why a dad who really can only spend time with his kids on the weekend would like the weekend to be as conflict free as possible.

 

When my kids were little, I tried to keep time with Dad as free of my consequences as possible - which mostly means very short term consequences. So in your situation, I might say, "no ice cream today" without drawing it out longer. Your point is still made, and DH is then not limited by your decisions.

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I'll just say that many years later it does get better. I know that doesn't help much now, but remember you are doing what is best for your kids. I think sometimes we forget how hard it is on the dads since they are busy/away/working all week and only have time to be with their awake children on the weekend. They want to do fun things with their kids too.

 

My 15 yo recently thanked me for teaching her not to scream in public. She was in a church building with several extreme screamers (toddlers, no issues) with no parents attempting to correct the situation only to go outside to find the older kids also screaming loudly. She was concerned as this place is right next door to a nursing home and she thought the screaming might upset the residents. She *saw* the reason why random and habitual screaming is not a good idea. Now, she didn't appreciate the correction when younger, but now she sees that maybe, just maybe, there might be a reasonable reason behind the things we teach our children.

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I think he does it because dd comes to him with a problem, and he's trying to solve it. I think he really thinks he's helping me by smoothing things over. So today I talked to him about that, and asked him to validate her feelings and frustration, for sure, but then affirm whatever I did. "Oh, bummer! I'm so sorry that you didn't get ice cream today. It's too bad that you yelled at mom. Maybe she'll give you another chance another day." Because dd really does interpret as me just being mean. She doesn't seem to be able to tie it to her actions (despite the little chat we had about it when we got home from the park).

 

 

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I would be frustrated if my dh did that. It doesn't feel like team parenting and that might make it feel overly personal.

 

One thing you might try is offering the ice cream before you get to the park. I know you want to surprise her, but she may not be ready for that. She might need a clearer picture of her expectations.

-We are going to the park to play for an hour. I'll give you a five minute warning before we leave. We will get some ice cream after the park, but you must be polite about leaving when it's time. I'll

Give you one warning and then we will have to come home instead of getting ice cream.

 

You might already do this, though!

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Oh yeah, around here we called it the good cop/bad cop routine. It was exhausting to always be the bad cop! I let dh know that not only was it downright not fair (yikes, I hate that expression!), but that I felt it was setting me up for a bad relationship with the kids.

 

It helped to refrain from issuing consequences sometimes, for the worst infractions, until after a phone conference with dad. So in your above playground example, I would have said nothing about the treat. Once home, or at dad's earliest convenience, he'd hear about what happened and then call for dd and talk with her on the phone about what happened. This did not mean we were always calling dad at work. It did mean that the kids understood that the law has a long arm and that dad was not out of the loop in discipline during the week. Very few such calls were needed.

 

It also helps to have dad "dangle the treat" on Sunday evening, with the promise of making good on it IF he gets a good report from mom about the week's behavior, or if certain goals are reached. And yes, hard as it was, there were times when one kid would not get to participate while the others did. That, too, was rare.

 

It helps to set an objective standard and let the standard be the bad cop. Does that make sense? Let them know the expectations ahead of time - "we are leaving the park at X:00, no debate" - give a five minute warning and stick to the time you set. Any fit pitching is not against you, it's against the objective measure. This works for other things - make a list of acceptable/unacceptable behaviors, chores, school assignments, whatever and post it on the fridge, bathroom mirror, bulletin board, wherever. Any infringement, take them to The List. This puts something objective between you and them - let the list be the bad cop. When you speak with them, use words like, "you know what's expected, and you made the choice to do xyz instead." Helps make it less about mean old mom, kwim?

 

Hang in there. Eventually they grow up. :D

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I think he does it because dd comes to him with a problem, and he's trying to solve it. I think he really thinks he's helping me by smoothing things over. So today I talked to him about that, and asked him to validate her feelings and frustration, for sure, but then affirm whatever I did. "Oh, bummer! I'm so sorry that you didn't get ice cream today. It's too bad that you yelled at mom. Maybe she'll give you another chance another day." Because dd really does interpret as me just being mean. She doesn't seem to be able to tie it to her actions (despite the little chat we had about it when we got home from the park).

 

I bet that he thought that he was doing just that. He told her that she could have ice cream today - if she behaved. But I do see your point and think it is good that you talked to him about it.

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Oh yeah, around here we called it the good cop/bad cop routine. It was exhausting to always be the bad cop! I let dh know that not only was it downright not fair (yikes, I hate that exp<b></b>ression!), but that I felt it was setting me up for a bad relationship with the kids.

 

It helped to refrain from issuing consequences sometimes, for the worst infractions, until after a phone conference with dad. So in your above playground example, I would have said nothing about the treat. Once home, or at dads earliest convenience, he'd hear about what happened and then call for dd and talk with her on the phone about what happened. This did not mean we were always calling dad at work. It did mean that the kids understood that the law has a long arm and that dad was not out of the loop in discipline during the week. Very few such calls were needed.

 

It also helps to have dad "dangle the treat" on Sunday evening, with the promise of making good on it IF he gets a good report from mom about the week's behavior, or if certain goals are reached. And yes, hard as it was, there were times when one kid would not get to participate while the others did. That, too, was rare.

 

It helps to set an objective standard and let the standard be the bad cop. Does that make sense? Let them know the expectations ahead of time - "we are leaving the park at X:00, no debate" - give a five minute warning and stick to the time you set. Any fit pitching is not against you, it's against the objective measure. This works for other things - make a list of acceptable/unacceptable behaviors, chores, school assignments, whatever and post it on the fridge, bathroom mirror, bulletin board, wherever. Any infringement, take them to The List. This puts something objective between yo and them - the the list be the bad cop. When you speak with them, use words like, "you know what's expected, and you made the choice to do xyz instead." Helps make it less about mean old mom, kwim?

 

Hang in there. Eventually they grow up. :D

 

 

This is such good advice! I tend to make it about, "Hey, you need to obey me when I ask you to do something." I do need to have some sort of buffer between us, because...oy vey.

 

And yes, I think I will involve dad in some of this. Awesome!

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My husband can sometimes be the opposite. When the kids were younger his job only allowed him to see them a few minutes in the AM & PM and then on weekends. He would see behavior he didn't like and he would "lay down the law" and hand out what I felt were overly harsh consequences and leave me to enforce them. I felt like if I didn't enforce the consequences he gave, I was not being supportive of his efforts to parent and I was teaching the kids they could divide and conquer. Finally one day I got fed up and told him (alone) that he had to stop the "seagull parenting." He could not swoop in, poop all over everything, and swoop out leaving me to clean up the mess. Now we tell the kids (when there will be consequences that will affect everyone) that Mom & Dad have to have a little conversation about consequences. This also helped with our one teenager who was crazy defiant and would play my last nerve like a banjo. That way I wasn't engaging with "Oh Yeah? You're grounded until you are 30!" and then having to backtrack.

 

Amber in SJ

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I've found that the dangle after the fact just inspires more bad attitude. I would have either 1. told them all about it at the beginning of the day, making it clear that it was contingent on good behavior, 2. not mentioned it, or 3. Taken them and still let the others have their treat but not the misbehaving child, who lost it.

 

You might want to try and explain to your DH your "fun parent mean parent" problem and why him taking them for ice cream defeats the point of you getting to be the fun one for a change.

 

Can your DH take charge of something less fun on the weekends? Weekend chores with the kids maybe?

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He's trying. That's good. Keep talking about how he can back you up, and how you can facilitate a good relationship in the little time he has with the kids. He probably wanted a fun time taking the kids for ice cream as much as everyone else. It's important to make it so those happy times are shared. But, it does set a bad trend for mommy to take away a treat only for daddy to give it back.

 

 

The best consequences for bad behavior are the ones that only effect the perpetrator. A temper tantrum at the park means nothing but a nap at home while the rest of the family carries on with the day.

 

 

Preparing them for what is to come helps, I agree. Having something soothing or enjoyable right after a tough transition is a good thing, but I'd tell the plan before hand.

 

 

That - and I don't mind being the mean mommy.

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This is your 5yo, right? I have two girls that really never dealt well with transitioning, so I feel you. (They get it from their dad!) I did have to learn to tell them the plan ahead of time, give lots of warning before leaving, and dangle treats way ahead of time.

 

My younger daughter, I swear, for years hated transitions so much that I used to think that if I said "Hey, lets go to Disneyland!" she would reply, "No, I just want to stay here and play."

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Sorry, but I don't think it is reasonable to expect a man who works and commutes so many hours every day that he only sees his children on week-ends to take the responsibility for discipline issues that don't occur on "his watch" (with the obvious exception of extreme and/or serious issues).

 

He deserves some fun time with his kids, free of dealing with the small stuff that happens while he is at work. If the kids are bad when he's home, then it is his turn. Otherwise, try to understand what he's missing.

 

Bill

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Sorry, but I don't think it is reasonable to expect a man who works and commutes so many hours every day that he only sees his children on week-ends to take the responsibility for discipline issues that don't occur on "his watch" (with the obvious exception of extreme and/or serious issues).

 

He deserves some fun time with his kids, free of dealing with the small stuff that happens while he is at work. If the kids are bad when he's home, then it is his turn. Otherwise, try to understand what he's missing.

 

Bill

:iagree:

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Sorry, but I don't think it is reasonable to expect a man who works and commutes so many hours every day that he only sees his children on week-ends to take the responsibility for discipline issues that don't occur on "his watch" (with the obvious exception of extreme and/or serious issues).

 

He deserves some fun time with his kids, free of dealing with the small stuff that happens while he is at work. If the kids are bad when he's home, then it is his turn. Otherwise, try to understand what he's missing.

 

Bill

 

 

I don't expect him to handle discipline issues that don't originally involve him. This was an issue that I had handled on my own, and then he came home, dd complained to him, and he sort of undid what I had done. Also, he has plenty of fun time with the kids. Most of the fun we have occurs when he's home, which makes it so the kids associate all of that with him, and all of the boring/work stuff with me. I was just trying to change that up a bit, for one day.

 

As for all of the suggestions that I offer the incentive beforehand and give a 5-minute warning, I ALWAYS give a 5-minute warning and count down. Always. I've been doing that for ages. Dd still gets mad. And I also usually offer incentives beforehand as well. This was just a fun day where I was going to surprise them with something we almost never do. It was an out-of-the-ordinary kind of day. I was trying to make it a little extra special, and I thought the element of surprise would add to that.

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