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Any help evaluating dd's writing?


Perry
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I would love some input on my 16 y.o. dd's writing. We are both very much science and math oriented, and teaching writing is torture for me (and her). I am fine with the technical issues (grammar, word choice, punctuation) but don't really know how to go about helping her in general. Any comments? Advice?

 

 

 

Road to the Renaissance

 

The Black Death was a very impactful event of the middle ages. Within 4 years, one-third of the European population died out. It resulted in political instability, the gruesome flagellant movement, and many peasant revolts, but also resulted in some major social and economic benefits. The unprecedented number of deaths caused higher labor demand, more land to claim, decrease in authority of the Catholic Church, and new ways of thinking. The Black Death, although destructive and devastating, had some advantageous effects and served as a catalyst for humanism and the Italian Renaissance.

 

Higher labor demand favored lower-class men and disfavored the nobility. The lower-class benefitted because there was a greater demand for labor and skills, and they had the ability to negotiate for higher wages than before. This opened up merchant and skilled laboring classes to many more people. For serfs this was the end of feudalism. The plague's great population reduction brought cheaper land prices, and more food for the average peasant. As a result of the pandemic, peasants now had a better quality of life and the financial abilities to become tradesmen and merchants.

 

Europe developed a new government without the church in response to the decrease in faith. When churchmen such as Bishops and Priests were dying, people turned away from the church and resorted to more personal acts of religion. People during this time period became to be skeptical of the church, because of the idea that the plague was sent by God. People started to question the clergy, due to their unsuccessful promises to cure the plague. The government was now less religion-oriented, setting the pathway for our current distinction between church and government.

 

There were many theories of why the Black Death occurred, but none of them were widely accepted. This caused curiosity and motivation for doctors to look for the answer. These doctors soon had a much better understanding of disease, which set the stage for the modern era. Art also developed due to the great increase in skilled laborers and the capacity to buy luxuries instead of scraping by on the bare necessities.

 

Pain and death had been so prevalent for an extended period of time, that it changed the outlook on life. The decline in religion and the increasing importance of every person due to decline in population led people to look to each other, not the clergy, for help. The belief of the importance of individuals was called humanism, founded by the famous poet Petrarch. These ideas were derived from the “rebirth†of classical literature from Greek and Roman Civilizations. Ultimately this new psychological insight brought on a whole new era; the Italian Renaissance.

 

In conclusion; the Black Death caused many tragic events, but also resulted in some necessary changes. The better quality of peasant life, the decline in religious authority, and the birth of Humanism led to the end of the middle ages and the beginning of the Renaissance.

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Not a history person myself, but the thesis is a little vague and some of the facts a little odd. I'd do an outline first and make sure she's saying what she means to say and proving a point. (Black Death resulted in the flagellant movement? not precisely accurate when I looked on wikipedia) Like I said, not a history person, but that's where I'd be looking. Sometimes it helps if you start with clouds or mindmapping diagrams to show relationships and then convert that visual to an outline. Then she can see what is context for her thesis, what are the points, etc.

 

Then, just as a point of editing (and certainly secondary to getting the thesis out), I'd go through and let her try to combine sentences using which-clauses, etc. to try to strengthen some of the writing. It's also possible to do that in the draft stage if you have a really clear outline with all the subpoints fleshed out. (At that point you're combining multiple subpoints to make a strong sentence.) For now though, it would be a good exercise just to try it with a few sentences, either with her paper or maybe during your english time. Or work on it before she writes her next paper, not even mentioning it now.

 

eg. This opened up merchant and skilled laboring classes to many more people. For serfs this was the end of feudalism. ----> This opened up..., ending feudalism for the serfs.

 

In that case it makes a sort of crunchy sentence, but you get the idea. :)

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I would love some input on my 16 y.o. dd's writing. We are both very much science and math oriented, and teaching writing is torture for me (and her). I am fine with the technical issues (grammar, word choice, punctuation) but don't really know how to go about helping her in general. Any comments? Advice?

 

 

 

Road to the Renaissance

 

The Black Death was a very impactful event of the middle ages. Within 4 years, one-third of the European population died out. It resulted in political instability, the gruesome flagellant movement, and many peasant revolts, but also resulted in some major social and economic benefits. The unprecedented number of deaths caused higher labor demand, more land to claim, decrease in authority of the Catholic Church, and new ways of thinking. The Black Death, although destructive and devastating, had some advantageous effects and served as a catalyst for humanism and the Italian Renaissance.

 

Higher labor demand favored lower-class men and disfavored the nobility. The lower-class benefitted because there was a greater demand for labor and skills, and they had the ability to negotiate for higher wages than before. This opened up merchant and skilled laboring classes to many more people. For serfs this was the end of feudalism. The plague's great population reduction brought cheaper land prices, and more food for the average peasant. As a result of the pandemic, peasants now had a better quality of life and the financial abilities to become tradesmen and merchants.

 

Europe developed a new government without the church in response to the decrease in faith. When churchmen such as Bishops and Priests were dying, people turned away from the church and resorted to more personal acts of religion. People during this time period became to be skeptical of the church, because of the idea that the plague was sent by God. People started to question the clergy, due to their unsuccessful promises to cure the plague. The government was now less religion-oriented, setting the pathway for our current distinction between church and government.

 

There were many theories of why the Black Death occurred, but none of them were widely accepted. This caused curiosity and motivation for doctors to look for the answer. These doctors soon had a much better understanding of disease, which set the stage for the modern era. Art also developed due to the great increase in skilled laborers and the capacity to buy luxuries instead of scraping by on the bare necessities.

 

Pain and death had been so prevalent for an extended period of time, that it changed the outlook on life. The decline in religion and the increasing importance of every person due to decline in population led people to look to each other, not the clergy, for help. The belief of the importance of individuals was called humanism, founded by the famous poet Petrarch. These ideas were derived from the “rebirth†of classical literature from Greek and Roman Civilizations. Ultimately this new psychological insight brought on a whole new era; the Italian Renaissance.

 

In conclusion; the Black Death caused many tragic events, but also resulted in some necessary changes. The better quality of peasant life, the decline in religious authority, and the birth of Humanism led to the end of the middle ages and the beginning of the Renaissance.

 

Paragraph by paragraph:

 

The introductory paragraph should introduce the subject and thesis and include the main topics discussed in the following paragraphs. Her introduction is okay except for a few of the facts included don't reference anything else and are randomly placed (the flagellant movement, for example). Her thesis could use more punch. "Impactful" is not a very good choice of adjective. She has overall focused on the contrasts of positive and negative, and this imagery could be reflected in the adjectives used in her thesis sentence rather than something as vague as "impactful."

 

Paragraph 2, on the economic impact, is disjointed. Ordering it with a chain of consequence is one way to correct this. Also, feudalism ended for everyone, not just serfs.

 

Paragraph 3 does not have a clear topic. Is it talking about religious shifts and a shift toward secularism, or the change in the structure of government (i.e. the end of feudalism)? She should perhaps have 2 paragraphs, one for each. The flagellant movement could get a mention in the discussion of religious upheaval, while the end of the economics paragraph would lead in well to the third paragraph discussing government.

 

The fourth paragraph needs a topic sentence that ties it all together (both medicine and art) as it is, it appears to be about just medicine with a sentence about art randomly stuck on the end.

 

 

Paragraph 4 is evidently about philosophy. This would better fit in between the paragraph on religion and the paragraph on medicine and the arts. This paragraph does have a solid topic sentence, however.

 

The conclusion paragraph looks okay.

 

For the most part, she has articulated and extrapolated on her thesis rather well. Not bad.

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