Having a hard time letting go.

[Jen in NY]

This is our first truly warm day, and, having already turned yet another page on the calendar, I am really having a terrible time thinking about the changes ahead.

 

We have always been so very close as a family.... I need some advice about letting go gracefully. The thought of an empty place at the table is doing me in right now. If I continue along the road I am on, I will just be a blubbering mess for the next four months... and believe me, it's not pretty. :crying:

 

I know I should be happy. I am happy - happy that she has reached some goals, made some new ones, has good habits of mind, etc. etc. Nothing tragic has happened! It's all good news! Everyone is healthy and these are just normal life changes!

 

I want to be supportive and react normally to all of this ... instead I cry. A lot. It's embarassing.

 

So, hit me with your best practical steps I can take to ease this transition. How did you get through it?

 

*heads for the box of kleenex......*

[retiredHSmom]

We hit that wall very unexpectedly and very suddenly. When our middle DD was 14 she applied to and was accepted to a residential college 2.5 hours away. It was literally less than 1 month from the day she decided to apply to the day that we paid her deposit and then I broke down. She left for school 3 months later.

 

Our oldest was only a junior in high school and our family is/was very close. We ate dinner together 6-7 days a week. I never want anywhere without at least one person along and it was usually my middle daughter.

 

The anticipation was horrible. I was so sad for me and yet happy for her. We spent a lot of time together in the few months before she left and I tried very hard to focus on the moment we were in. We planned some specific times that we would see each other in the fall.

 

Dropping her off was very, very hard. I cried every time we prayed at dinner for the first month. I sound like I was a mess and in some ways I was. It was wonderful to see her loving school and flourishing there. We talked by skype video just about everyday for the first semester (more at her insistence than mine) Her first year passed so quickly, before I knew it she was home for the summer. Se did so well in school that it was had to be sad. It was the right place for her to be.

 

This year, her older sister went off to college too, now I have just one child home. I talk to both girls weekly, often by video chat. When they are home it feels so right and yet when they are back at school and my house is quieter it feels so right too.

 

Not much practical advice but the knowledge that happiness is possible after sending a child away to school.

[snowbeltmom]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

No words of wisdom. I know both my husband and I will be in the exact same place as you two years from now. I am already dreading it.

[Jen in NY]

You'll get through it because you know they're where they're supposed to be. But it IS hard. :grouphug:

Written by a mom with one year left with ds and then down to one home...

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

No words of wisdom. I know both my husband and I will be in the exact same place as you two years from now. I am already dreading it.

 

Not much practical advice but the knowledge that happiness is possible after sending a child away to school.

 

 

:crying: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Lori D.]

:grouphug: Jen :grouphug:

Give yourself permission to grieve. It is okay to cry, to hurt, to be sad! You are coming to the end of a very intense and special experience, and yes, you know that the future different experience is a good thing, and what you've worked towards. But it will be different. And it is an end to the special experience you have been experiencing -- for perhaps as long as 12 years, if you have homeschooled all along. Give yourself permission to take months to transition.

By allowing yourself grieving time, it is a little easier to then, as needed, focus on the joyful parts of this time, and to get excited for/with your graduate. Put together a special celebration for graduation. Make shopping for dorm stuff a special day together, and go out to lunch. Do something special once a week with your DD all summer that helps establish NEW traditions and special time together as adult daughter and mother. Once she's at school, Skyping or video-chatting once a week really helps you not feel so far away. (Our older DS was gone for 8 weeks the summer immediately following graduation, and that was HUGE for me, getting to SEE him while talking via video chat.)

Do something that will help give YOU some closure and commemorate all your efforts in homeschooling this special child. For me, purchasing a very nice diploma in a padded leather holder was for ME -- my DSs could have cared less (lol).

Fill some of that time that was devoted to homeschooling / mentoring oldest DD with an activity, hobby or learning something of interest to YOU. Develop an interest, work on a big project, etc. -- and have something to share with DD when she comes home from college! 🙂

Consider opening your home to teens with some sort of regular activity or group or as an advisor to an extracurricular. Or get involved teaching teens at a homeschool co-op. Of course they do not take the place of your own child, but it helps fill in some of the too-quiet moments (lol), and it always you to use all the wisdom you've accumulated during your years of homeschooling to bless others. Plus, you meet some lovely teen students and get to know them as people!

What a blessing you will still have two at home when the new school year starts! Together, think of some NEW ways of doing homeschool together, so you won't feel so aware of that "empty seat".

:grouphug:

 

My heart is still hurting; my DSs graduated in 2011 and 2012, and the last *three years* have hurt big-time. I am still transitioning, even now as we approach the end of the first full year of both DSs graduated. (I am very fortunate -- both still live at home and go to classes locally. But that will be another transition when they each move out... :crying:)

:grouphug: Warmest regards, Lori D.

PS -- ETA

On 4/7/2013 at 1:43 PM, Tania said:

our family is/was very close. We ate dinner together 6-7 days a week... The anticipation was horrible. I was so sad for me and yet happy for her. We spent a lot of time together in the few months before she left and I tried very hard to focus on the moment we were in...

We talked by skype video just about everyday for the first semester (more at her insistence than mine) Her first year passed so quickly, before I knew it she was home for the summer. Se did so well in school that it was had to be sad. It was the right place for her to be.

Just have to agree with everything Tania said here. It helped me immensely to continue to pray nightly for my DS at his bedside, even when he was gone for the summer, just as I did for all the years of his growing up. I tried very hard to focus on the moment we were in, rather than keep dreading/anticipating the parting, when our son was gone for the summer. I CHOSE to focus on that DS was in the right place for him to be. We did video chat once a week. And it all really did help. And esp., he did not feel "clung to", and he initiated so much of the contact. They miss us, and love us, too! 🙂

Edited May 6, 2021 by Lori D.

[Gwen in VA]

I love Lori's entire post! What great wisdom!

 

I grieved through most of the first year after my oldest left for college. There was such a hole in my heart and in my life. But she loved college, and seeing her thrive made missing her more bearable. The family created a "new normal" and we went on.

 

If I had known then that she would NEVER live at home again, I would have grieved even more, but these things are unplanned and just happen to happen. Wonderful opportunities came up, and she wisely took advantage of them!

 

Then #2 left. That leaving didn't hurt quite so much. He was ready to go, and I think his eagerness made the separation much easier. But the family was getting pretty small! :glare:

 

Then #3 left. Again, he was ready to go. We cherish the phone time and we look forward to spring break (only two more weeks!!!), but he is at the school of his dreams (even if it is an 8-hour drive away!) and it is all good.

 

And then -- #2 came home again after graduating! Life is full of surprises! He is working close by and he will be in a 2-year graduate program at a nearby university, so he will likely be home for another two years. Just when we got used to being the incredible shrinking family, we needed to expand the nest again!

 

And now #4 is looking at colleges....and my heart shrinks at the idea that her current top choice is halfway across the country from us.

 

But --

1) Kids stay in touch. And those talk-times are very precious.

2) Family vacations become VERY important!!!!

3) It is all good. The kids are spreading their wings, and that is as it should be. The "new normal" at home will just be very different.

 

If you google "empty nest", you can read more than you ever wanted to about what people do once the kids leave. I've picked up tutoring. Some folks get a dog. Some folks become missionaries. New adventures await!

 

But the process of pulling apart a close-knit family is hard. Give yourself permission and time to grieve when the time comes. And right now, don't waste time worrying about the future -- enjoy having ALL of your people at home! Store up some great memories!

[Jen in NY]

Lori and Gwen,

 

I would quote from your posts, but instead I will just print them out and put them on my fridge, in my purse, and on my mirror. I love every word.

 

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to write up such caring suggestions for me. I just keep repeating, "It will all be OK. It will all be OK."

That will have to be my mantra for a while.

 

:grouphug: to you all and everyone else anticipating big changes.

[MorningGlory]

The thought of an empty place at the table is doing me in right now.

 

 

:grouphug:

I have an irl friend who completely moved her family's dinner table and rearranged and rearranged because she couldn't handle the empty seat. It helped her to do this. I may have to do the same...

 

We are 3 years away from this point, but I dread it with all my being. My dear mother told me just yesterday...as she bemoaned the fact that my older son will most likely go away to college...that she never imagined that she would live to "have to go through this again". And it hit me...it was so hard on *my* parents when I left for school, but they survived it somehow (I remember my big strong farmer dad just sobbing). But in retrospect, my college years were only a short time in the large scheme of life. We are STILL an extremely close family to this day. That closeness is not going to go away. :)

[Caroline]

Jen, I am in the same place. My DS is currently on a trip to Spain with his AP Spanish class, and I am missing him like crazy. I keep having something to tell him or ask him or... And he is only gone for a week this time. I cannot imagine August when he is gone for longer.

[Nan in Mass]

Well I doubt can be of any help. Ug. All I can say is thank goodness oldest left his dog behind. We call her our angel dog for more than one reason.

 

The first time your oldest goes away is the hardest, I think, because it breaks up the family, but only by a little bit. For years now, all three of mine have gone and come home again and gone again and come home again for months at a time. Every single time it hurts an incredible amount and it doesn't seem to be something that gets easier. The logistics get easier (I'm better at knowing what they should take and so are they) but the hurt doesn't seem to get better. I do get used to them being gone, after a month or two, sort of, and get better at working around the hurt and not having it keep me from functioning, but it doesn't really seem to be something I adjust to the way I adjusted to, say, my grandmother being gone after a few years (we were very close). It has nothing to do with them being gone forever because so far, nobody has gone forever and we never thought they would - I live embedded in a close family clan that lives in adjoining towns, some within walking distance of each other, and see my parents several times a week and we all like this situation and think it will probably extend into the next generation, at least some of them. It has to do with them not being here right now. And there is a sort of background pain having to do with the children they were not existing any more. That last bit, though, is far easier to manage because I have the dog and the cat to take care of and I have new things I am doing, things that I couldn't do when I had small children. I seem to be moving on from the child-rearing stage fairly well. It is just the missing them when they aren't there. I don't tell them any of this, of course.

 

I guess I do have a bit of advice for you, after all, now that I've had a minute to think about it. Try to overlap things. Don't finish one thing before you begin the next. For instance, I sorted and packed the homeschooling stuff last year. I knew if I waited until we really had finished, it would be an unbearable task. Instead, I did it when my last child was in 11th grade and still was no where near graduating. The same with changes to the house, although that is more for his sake than for mine. I have curtains and cushions that are stained from roof leaks, for example, and I am making new ones this spring, before my youngest leaves, so I can leave things pretty much as is after he goes and when he comes home, things will be the same, not all different (which can be very upsetting). While I was still homeschooling, over the course of the last five years or so, I did the yucky first part of the learning curve for the new thing I am going to be doing after I retire from homeschooling (along with caring for my parents). I did it with my mother, which was comforting in itself, actually lol, although it also emphasizes that I might be in for quite a spell of losses here, since she is definately getting older.

 

My husband has been really clever and started some new family traditions, ones that work well with grow-up kids. He restructured our lives to accommodate adult children and make room for them. Adult children take lots of space - they have cars and canoes in the driveway and diving equipment in the basement and guitars in the living room. We changed our internet plan to accommodate them. The restructuring has made it so that they can come home after being away comfortably. My parents have started some new traditions with us (my husband and I) lol, which I am finding comforting. We get together for dinner every Thursday night. We started camping together. Any children are welcome to join us if they feel like it, but mostly it is for the grandparent and parent generation. I think my sisters and I, as we get older, will start playing together again, rather than playing with our children. We did when the children were small, but then when they hit the teen years, we were too busy driving hither and yon. Our husbands are already doing this. They get together to play disc golf a few times a week. When the young adults are home, they invite them to join them, and again, this makes something to talk about when they are apart. "I had a great game the other day. It was very windy but..." This isn't easy for the fathers, either.

 

Remember that if you communicate frequently, there is plenty to talk about, but if you communicate infrequently, it is harder to find things to say.

 

As Lori said, extra children help, too. We have aquired some extras. Young adults need parenting, too.

 

I was touched because my rather self-absorbed eldest looked at me last year and said, "What are you going to do?" He was relieved to hear I had a plan and has been very supportive, which is sweet. As Lori said, it is something for me to tell him about when we email. He's been home for a bit here and has been lovely about not taking his dog away when he thought I might like to take her with me to do something, realizing that this spring I've been feeling rather unstable.

 

It helps not to think ahead often, just enough to plan a bit.

 

We just had a bad calendar moment. Youngest had a dentist appointment and came home with the card for the next cleaning in six months. We stood in front of the calendar together and I went to write it into Oct. and commented that he was going to have to reschedule it. He said why? I said becasue he wasn't going to be here. He said why? I said because he was going to be in college. He said why was that going to be a problem (he is in community college now). I named the city he was going to be in. He looked blank and said why? And I named the college... And we both looked at the calendar, turned to Oct., and then looked at each other. I asked him what he wanted to do about the appointment, and he said to just leave it, that he couldn't imagine what his life was going to be like then, that time was ending in August. All I could think was "Here there be dragons".

 

Nan

 

[MomsintheGarden]

No advice, just hugs to you. The year my oldest ds went to college was very hard. My heart ached so much because we were very close. Of all my children, he is the one who "gets me" because we are so similar in personality. Even today, four years later, after he's spent so much time away, we often have the same thoughts about things.

 

I understand what you are going through. It does get easier. You find joy in their success, and you fill your life with other things to do. And vacations are special!

 

When ds was in 6th grade, it seemed like such a long, long time until he would go to college. But it wasn't. It was really, really short!

 

Give yourself permission to grieve, and give yourself time.

 

Blessings,

GardenMom

[Starr]

There is no preparing yourself. It's awful. Try to focus on now and be miserable later. One does get used to missing them over the months. And you can't get much done checking the computer every five minutes to see if they left a message. It's such a weird mix, missing them and being happy for them. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Oh wow, she just came on line, gotta go.

[Nicole M]

Gosh. Everyone is different. I found that anticipating my son's absence was harder than the real thing. That last year was extremely hard, very stressful. The whole year seemed an endless litany of lasts — last shared first day of school, last holidays, last every-little-thing. Every Tuesday evening drive to choir practice together, chatting in the dark car, seemed poignant and sacred and about-to-end. Dropping my son off at the airport the summer before his senior year, to send him to music camp, was a bitter, awful, heart-wrenching thing. I was utterly taken aback by how horrible that was, a visceral reminder that I'd be sending him to college so very soon. Taking him to the airport to go to college was not nearly as hard as it was that previous summer for camp.

 

When my son finally did leave for school, his father also moved out that same weekend — not the idea timing, and I don't recommend it. It should have been awful, and it was for my younger son, but it was such a relief, the end of so much waiting, that I did not feel nearly as grieved as I felt like I should have. Each goodbye is hard, but never as hard as that last year at home.

 

As others have said, go ahead and let yourself feel what you feel.

[Nicole M]

And I like Nan's idea of overlapping things.

[Musicmom]

Jen, I can sure relate! I felt the same way 3 years ago when my older child, ds, graduated. We were very close too, and have similar personalities. The high school years with him had been so enjoyable, I cried at the thought that that would all change. At the same time I was very happy for him, so proud of his accomplishments and knowing he was going to a college that was a great fit for him. I knew it would be hard, but still, when the time came, I was surprised at how hard it hit me--starting the very next day after dropping him off for orientation week, and despite the fact that we camped just 40 miles away for that whole week and skyped with him daily. The empty place at the table, the empty drawer where his clothes were supposed to be... and this was just in the RV!!! We weren't even home yet!

 

It was hard at home too--the empty room, just 3 of us at the dinner table, etc. But, it did get better. I still had my younger child, dd, at home and was still homeschooling. And I knew I would have her for 3 more years. We gradually found a new normal. My relationship with dd became closer--we walked together, laughed at the dog together, talked more.

 

That first year we communicated with ds frequently via skype, and we always had the next time that we would see him set up. It was helpful to have those times to look forward to. First it was driving out that October for parents weekend, then it was him flying home at Thanksgiving, then we drove out to get him for Christmas, and then he flew home for Spring break, and suddenly it was May and time to drive out again and bring him home for the summer. These visits were always wonderful at the beginning, as ds slid right back into the family and everything felt balanced again. But truthfully, they were also hard at the end when he left again--the hole was back and it would take time to adjust to our new normal once again.

 

As other posters have said, it's okay to cry and grieve (I have to tell myself this sometimes, as it does not feel good at the time.) It's normal and you are not alone. Talking to others who've just sent their first child off to college helps too. I ran into a (non-homeschooling) friend of mine a month after dropping ds off, whose son (also her older child, and a friend of ds's) had just gone to college as well. She told me she was surprised too at just how hard it was hitting her--harder than she ever expected.

 

Now, my dd is graduating and will be off to college in August, so both will be gone. I actually started crying a year ago, realizing what a joy my dd is to me every day and dreading not having her around! It was embarassing, always being on the verge of tears, especially that early. My dh urged me not to worry about it then, so I did manage to set the feelings aside for awhile, but it is looming now, and I am dreading August. My "new normal" will go away, and I don't know what the "new new normal" will be. I don't even know for sure what I will do next. I have ideas, but other changes may take place in our life at the same time and that keeps things uncertain. So I am taking to heart the many wonderful responses to this thread also, and I suppose I'll have to write in another year how it all turns out!

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Jane in NC]

My son is finishing his junior year of college. That first year was hard but so exciting. I'll admit that I often felt like I was metaphorically running about with arms out stretched in case he stumbled. As a homeschooling parent I felt such tremendous responsibility for his preparation or lack thereof.

 

I still love every email and Skype call but don't expect to be consulted with regularity. Nor do I expect to see my son during his breaks. His life is taking him away from us geographically but the technology is there to communicate. I am honored that he continues to share his joys and consults us occasionally regarding questions both academic and real world. The closeness that we developed within the family remains even if he is not at the dinner table.

 

Keeping fingers crossed that I'll see him for a month this summer!

 

Jane

[Nicole M]

My son is finishing his junior year of college. That first year was hard but so exciting. I'll admit that I often felt like I was metaphorically running about with arms out stretched in case he stumbled. As a homeschooling parent I felt such tremendous responsibility for his preparation or lack thereof.

 

I still love every email and Skype call but don't expect to be consulted with regularity. Nor do I expect to see my son during his breaks. His life is taking him away from us geographically but the technology is there to communicate. I am honored that he continues to share his joys and consults us occasionally regarding questions both academic and real world. The closeness that we developed within the family remains even if he is not at the dinner table.

 

Keeping fingers crossed that I'll see him for a month this summer!

 

Jane

 

Yes. Yes, this. I was trying to think of a way to express something along these lines last night, but was too tired.

 

Before my son left, the anticipation of the empty spot was so very hard. But the relationship that we've developed since then is so wonderful and unexpected. I don't have a close relationship with my parents, so I didn't know what that might be like, how to navigate a relationship with a grown child. It's been marvelous! My son is very good about keeping in touch, and I, too, feel honored to be a part of his life, honored that he shares and consults with me. (Lately he's been sending me book titles, things he's reading for a class called Alternative to Consumerism, and they're all books I've read — which tickles us both.)

 

The loss is real, but the gain is very real, too.

[Nan in Mass]

Yes, I feel honoured. I feel honoured when they call up from the pet store asking whether they should get a blue or a red beta fish. They don't need me to tell them that, obviously. They just are including me in a happy moment in their lives. It is the fact that they don't need me to tell them that makes me feel honoured to be asked. I even feel honoured to be asked to drive them to the airport at 3:30 in the morning. They could get a friend to do it. They have before and they will again, if we aren't available. But they give us first option for dropping off and picking up because they know we like to be part of the anticipation and then afterwards, the first to hear how it went. To pick a few examples this week...

[Jenny in Florida]

We hit that wall very unexpectedly and very suddenly. When our middle DD was 14 she applied to and was accepted to a residential college 2.5 hours away. It was literally less than 1 month from the day she decided to apply to the day that we paid her deposit and then I broke down. She left for school 3 months later.

 

Our experience was similar (right down to the program), except my daughter was younger.

 

She had been reading and re-reading the booklet about the college for several months by the time we decided I should take her to a prospective student overnight. Honestly, I was kind of hoping the visit would help her to rule out the possibility of applying. But, in any case, we assumed we had at least another year before she was even eligible, and I still hoped to stall her a year beyond that. (We were tempting her with all kinds of promises at that point.)

 

But, we went to the PSO, and she did her interview while we were there, just in case she did decide to apply, since the campus was such a long way from home. And she fell in love with the place and the people and the other students, and we were encouraged to have her go ahead and apply right away. Even then, I truly assumed they would defer her for a year.

 

She came home, pulled together the application and recommendations and essays and transcripts and all of that and, within just a few weeks, was accepted for that fall.

 

I didn't feel like I knew what hit me.

 

What got me through from there until the day I dropped her off at the dorm was the busyness. We decided to throw her a combination graduation/going away party toward the end of the summer, which meant renting a space and getting her a dress and ordering a diploma and designing invitations and decorations and all of that stuff. And on top of that, we had to do all of her dorm room shopping and make sure she had clothes for cold weather and sign up for a new cell phone plan with better coverage in a different region . . . All in all, I managed to remain (mostly) upbeat and okay until the week before I was due to drive her to the campus.

 

Even then, we turned the trip (about 800 miles for us) into a mini-vacation, stopping at a couple of places she'd long wanted to see before finally heading to the college. My husband stayed home with our son, because there was not enough room in the car for four people and all of our daughter's stuff. And that meant I had those last few days to monopolize her time.

 

My moment of truth came, unfortunately, in front of an audience. I was sitting in an orientation session for parents in the lounge of her new dorm, when I suddenly realized it was over. The car was unpacked, and her mini-fridge was stocked and her clothes were in the closet and her bed was made and her computer plugged in, and she was starting her new life while I was being kept busy and out of the way. And I started weeping, right there in front of everyone.

 

But it was okay. I got it under control and got through the day, until I went back alone to the motel room we had checked into together the day before. I cried a little more then, I admit. In the morning, I was okay again long enough to drive back to the campus for the goodbye breakfast, and I teared up only a little when I hugged her and headed out the door. I made it off campus before I had to pull over and cry for real.

 

And then I drove myself home. And that long drive alone turned out to be a blessing, because it gave me plenty of time to process and just be without needing to keep up appearances for anyone else. By the time I made it back to my own driveway, I was ready to be home, ready to be with my husband and son, ready to start the next chapter.

 

Our experience was atypical, of course, in that my daughter was so young. She called more often than I'm told is "normal," and she came home for almost every break. And, when she graduated, she moved back and has been here with us for two "bonus" years, for which I am extremely grateful.

 

What I'm really dreading now is the next couple of years, when she moves out and away for good and my son, whom I can pretty much guarantee will not call or e-mail me almost every day just to chat, heads off to college, himself.

 

At least he's planning to stay in the same state. That's a good thing, right?

[J-rap]

Try and concentrate on their next step, and how exciting and good it is for them, and that this is what (or at least partially what) you raised them to do: be independent, have their own ambitions and goals, be happy and excited about their life, have great adventures... It is really a wonderful thing! I guess in our family we were able to do it gradually since we have five children, but with each "setting free" it was really a celebration, and I was so excited for them. You will still be very involved in their lives, and they may even come home again to live for awhile at some point; we have had a lot of that! I'll admit you might have a couple years where you feel a little lost, but it sorts itself out.

 

My kids all spent their first year abroad, so we weren't able to see them at all. But we kept in good touch. My son spent his first year riding his bike, alone, across Europe. So not only was I missing him, but I had to worry about him staying alive every day, knowing he was riding along busy highways often with big semi trucks in countries he didn't know. He was pretty crazy.

 

I think that usually it's the anticipation that's the hardest, and that once the change has taken place, it's actually okay.

[creekland]

I missed this thread when it first came out (been VERY busy both at work and at home lately).

 

The only thing I can say is it IS very hard when you've been close. It's the end of an era - and a great era it was (at least for us).

 

How do I cope? I remember how I was at that age - how eager to get out and fly by myself while wondering WHY my mom was in tears... and I let go... while ALWAYS cherishing the memories and being SUPER THANKFUL we got to have them.

 

Time does heal the worst of the hurt (feeling old, that sort of thing), but honestly, life is never the same. Hubby and I are now spending hours talking about what we want to do after youngest leaves. That perks us up a little. We'll be back to a couple again, but in reality, I want to pack up for some of our long vacations with my 12, 10 and 8 year olds (or 14, 12, and 10... or...). The reality of life is that time period doesn't return.

 

I, for one, still love the phone calls, e-mails, and visits - and I've learned to call my mom FAR more often than I used to.

 

So, hubby and I are planning our 25th anniversary in the Caribbean somewhere - while I'm also counting the cost and wondering if I can fly middle son down to FL for a weekend while we look at colleges with youngest this fall... we'd visit Disney together (again) on the weekend while looking at colleges during the week when middle is back at school. It's probably more for ME than anyone else to be honest, but there you have it. It's what my brain is pondering - and might actually do if the timing could work out.

 

Meanwhile, I continue to marvel at how low my grocery bill and the eating out bill is with fewer mouths around.

 

I'll repeat what I loved earlier. Be happy now and allow yourself to be miserable later. There's plenty of time for that then. Then, remember your youth and enjoy watching them fly.

[mamajudy]

:grouphug: I know how you feel. My fourth will be going to USNA in June, and I will be left with only one. When I remember those days with all five kids around the table and the lively conversation, and think about next year when it'll be just DS and me for lunch, I can hardly imagine it. It seems like it happened so suddenly! My future midshipman was always so intense and time-consuming with all of his activities, it will definitely be a change! I will have to hold myself together when I say goodbye to him, but I know I'll be a basket case when they slam those doors on Bancroft Hall on I-Day! (Getting teary eyed thinking about it!)

[Tammyla]

Oh, dear. Op :grouphug: .

 

I'm going to save this thread for lat. I'm too teary eyed to read it now, but I'm happy to know I'm not the only one.

[Blueridge]

Happy Mother's Day, dear ladies! I am sitting here wondering why I opened this thread so early in the morning, on what should be such a joyous day. I am a mess, the tears won't stop flowing. My family is still sleeping but I know soon I will hear the creak of a door or footsteps racing down the stairs. Today I am so thankful for this board, and for all the dear hearts who share these tender thoughts. I know things will get a little easier, but our lives will never be quite the same. I will come back some time and share, when I am able.

[Nan in Mass]

Lots of hugs, Blueridge. I can tell you why I am here on such a day. I am procrastinating. I am supposed to be figuring out the dates of things like DELF exam and registering for classes and orientation and wisdom teeth removal and health paperwork and other things that have to happen before fall, making sure there aren't any conflicts. Checking the board, even this thread, is more cheerful than that. A truely motherly task for mother's day lol. Later, we will have a multi-generational clan picnic and be joyful. I take comfort in the fact that *I* am celebrating mother's day with *MY* mother, therefore there is great hope that I will have my own children at future mother's day celebrations. One of my three is on a bus somewhere between Montana and Oregon. We used what little phone battery life he had left texting about what a beautiful country we live in so I never did figure out which bit exactly he is in right now lol.

 

More hugs,

Nan

[*LC]

Try and concentrate on their next step, and how exciting and good it is for them, and that this is what (or at least partially what) you raised them to do: be independent, have their own ambitions and goals, be happy and excited about their life, have great adventures... It is really a wonderful thing! I guess in our family we were able to do it gradually since we have five children, but with each "setting free" it was really a celebration, and I was so excited for them.

 

I was reminded tonight that I meant to reply to this thread.

 

I know I am the exception, because I am ready for my senior to move on to a typical college life. Due to life circumstances, I have not been able to give her the teen years that I had planned. So, I am excited she will moving on to a time in her life that the things that have held her back will no longer prevent her from doing what she wants to do. She now can be a carefree college student. I know I will miss her, but I am definitely more excited than sad.

 

It may also help that she is going to college where I went to college, so it is a less of an unknown than if she was going anywhere else.

[Caroline]

I was reminded tonight that I meant to reply to this thread.

 

I know I am the exception, because I am ready for my senior to move on to a typical college life. Due to life circumstances, I have not been able to give her the teen years that I had planned. So, I am excited she will moving on to a time in her life that the things that have held her back will no longer prevent her from doing what she wants to do. She now can be a carefree college student. I know I will miss her, but I am definitely more excited than sad.

 

It may also help that she is going to college where I went to college, so it is a less of an unknown than if she was going anywhere else.

 

 

 

Hey, you have done a good job, Mama.

[Nan in Mass]

I was reminded tonight that I meant to reply to this thread.

 

I know I am the exception, because I am ready for my senior to move on to a typical college life. Due to life circumstances, I have not been able to give her the teen years that I had planned. So, I am excited she will moving on to a time in her life that the things that have held her back will no longer prevent her from doing what she wants to do. She now can be a carefree college student. I know I will miss her, but I am definitely more excited than sad.

 

It may also help that she is going to college where I went to college, so it is a less of an unknown than if she was going anywhere else.

 

That is wonderful!

[lisabees]

I am honored that he continues to share his joys and consults us occasionally regarding questions both academic and real world. The closeness that we developed within the family remains even if he is not at the dinner table.

 

Jane

 

 

(I love Jane's quote above. It holds true here.)

 

 

Jen - I have been meaning to respond to this thread for a little while now. Big hugs to you. It is a terrible thing as a mother to let go. I spent the first few weeks crying; a part of my family, a part of my heart was missing. I felt empty, incomplete. The dinner table, the conversations, the Doctor Who viewings were missing someone. But you know what? He settled in. He received his new life and all of its possibilities with open arms. He was excited, full of potential, full of hope. That feeling was quite contagious. Knowing a child has found the right path treats a mother kindly.

 

The problem is that we old folk don't receive our new lives with open arms. Change is hard. Change is unknown. When the first child moves on then we know we have entered a new stage and must say goodbye to an old one. And this new stage comes with different rules and different roles. It's so easy to think that the best times have past. But, as they say, each stage is wonderful and unique. I know it will hit me hard when the last moves on. But, now I know that I can adjust. I am still a parent. Perhaps an even better one. Ds calls frequently - sometimes he needs money, but most times he needs a listening ear. He needs my support and advice and positive vibes. He needs affirmation that he's picked the best courses or is doing a great job writing that paper or has an interesting idea.

 

I don't miss ds anymore. Yes, I am so glad when he comes home. Having the entire family here makes everything right with the world. But knowing he is maturing in such a great place with great people, only makes me smile and smile.

 

When your daughter leaves in August, run to us and we will shower you with hugs and strong shoulders. Eventually, you will be fine because your wonderful daughter will be fine.

[swimmermom3]

Well I doubt can be of any help. Ug. All I can say is thank goodness oldest left his dog behind. We call her our angel dog for more than one reason.

 

The first time your oldest goes away is the hardest, I think, because it breaks up the family, but only by a little bit. For years now, all three of mine have gone and come home again and gone again and come home again for months at a time. Every single time it hurts an incredible amount and it doesn't seem to be something that gets easier. The logistics get easier (I'm better at knowing what they should take and so are they) but the hurt doesn't seem to get better. I do get used to them being gone, after a month or two, sort of, and get better at working around the hurt and not having it keep me from functioning, but it doesn't really seem to be something I adjust to the way I adjusted to, say, my grandmother being gone after a few years (we were very close). It has nothing to do with them being gone forever because so far, nobody has gone forever and we never thought they would - I live embedded in a close family clan that lives in adjoining towns, some within walking distance of each other, and see my parents several times a week and we all like this situation and think it will probably extend into the next generation, at least some of them. It has to do with them not being here right now. And there is a sort of background pain having to do with the children they were not existing any more. That last bit, though, is far easier to manage because I have the dog and the cat to take care of and I have new things I am doing, things that I couldn't do when I had small children. I seem to be moving on from the child-rearing stage fairly well. It is just the missing them when they aren't there. I don't tell them any of this, of course.

 

I guess I do have a bit of advice for you, after all, now that I've had a minute to think about it. Try to overlap things. Don't finish one thing before you begin the next. For instance, I sorted and packed the homeschooling stuff last year. I knew if I waited until we really had finished, it would be an unbearable task. Instead, I did it when my last child was in 11th grade and still was no where near graduating. The same with changes to the house, although that is more for his sake than for mine. I have curtains and cushions that are stained from roof leaks, for example, and I am making new ones this spring, before my youngest leaves, so I can leave things pretty much as is after he goes and when he comes home, things will be the same, not all different (which can be very upsetting). While I was still homeschooling, over the course of the last five years or so, I did the yucky first part of the learning curve for the new thing I am going to be doing after I retire from homeschooling (along with caring for my parents). I did it with my mother, which was comforting in itself, actually lol, although it also emphasizes that I might be in for quite a spell of losses here, since she is definately getting older.

 

My husband has been really clever and started some new family traditions, ones that work well with grow-up kids. He restructured our lives to accommodate adult children and make room for them. Adult children take lots of space - they have cars and canoes in the driveway and diving equipment in the basement and guitars in the living room. We changed our internet plan to accommodate them. The restructuring has made it so that they can come home after being away comfortably. My parents have started some new traditions with us (my husband and I) lol, which I am finding comforting. We get together for dinner every Thursday night. We started camping together. Any children are welcome to join us if they feel like it, but mostly it is for the grandparent and parent generation. I think my sisters and I, as we get older, will start playing together again, rather than playing with our children. We did when the children were small, but then when they hit the teen years, we were too busy driving hither and yon. Our husbands are already doing this. They get together to play disc golf a few times a week. When the young adults are home, they invite them to join them, and again, this makes something to talk about when they are apart. "I had a great game the other day. It was very windy but..." This isn't easy for the fathers, either.

 

Remember that if you communicate frequently, there is plenty to talk about, but if you communicate infrequently, it is harder to find things to say.

 

As Lori said, extra children help, too. We have aquired some extras. Young adults need parenting, too.

 

I was touched because my rather self-absorbed eldest looked at me last year and said, "What are you going to do?" He was relieved to hear I had a plan and has been very supportive, which is sweet. As Lori said, it is something for me to tell him about when we email. He's been home for a bit here and has been lovely about not taking his dog away when he thought I might like to take her with me to do something, realizing that this spring I've been feeling rather unstable.

 

It helps not to think ahead often, just enough to plan a bit.

 

We just had a bad calendar moment. Youngest had a dentist appointment and came home with the card for the next cleaning in six months. We stood in front of the calendar together and I went to write it into Oct. and commented that he was going to have to reschedule it. He said why? I said becasue he wasn't going to be here. He said why? I said because he was going to be in college. He said why was that going to be a problem (he is in community college now). I named the city he was going to be in. He looked blank and said why? And I named the college... And we both looked at the calendar, turned to Oct., and then looked at each other. I asked him what he wanted to do about the appointment, and he said to just leave it, that he couldn't imagine what his life was going to be like then, that time was ending in August. All I could think was "Here there be dragons".

 

Nan

 

 

Smiling through tears, Nan. Thank you. It's a lovely post.

[JNW]

I'm sorry, that must be tough! Not to trivialize your pain by saying, here read this book, but I know this helped my mom when I left home:

 

[journey00]

Ok guys!! Now you made me cry!!!! :(

[Jen in NY]

(I love Jane's quote above. It holds true here.)

 

 

Jen - I have been meaning to respond to this thread for a little while now. Big hugs to you. It is a terrible thing as a mother to let go. I spent the first few weeks crying; a part of my family, a part of my heart was missing. I felt empty, incomplete. The dinner table, the conversations, the Doctor Who viewings were missing someone. But you know what? He settled in. He received his new life and all of its possibilities with open arms. He was excited, full of potential, full of hope. That feeling was quite contagious. Knowing a child has found the right path treats a mother kindly.

 

The problem is that we old folk don't receive our new lives with open arms. Change is hard. Change is unknown. When the first child moves on then we know we have entered a new stage and must say goodbye to an old one. And this new stage comes with different rules and different roles. It's so easy to think that the best times have past. But, as they say, each stage is wonderful and unique. I know it will hit me hard when the last moves on. But, now I know that I can adjust. I am still a parent. Perhaps an even better one. Ds calls frequently - sometimes he needs money, but most times he needs a listening ear. He needs my support and advice and positive vibes. He needs affirmation that he's picked the best courses or is doing a great job writing that paper or has an interesting idea.

 

I don't miss ds anymore. Yes, I am so glad when he comes home. Having the entire family here makes everything right with the world. But knowing he is maturing in such a great place with great people, only makes me smile and smile.

 

When your daughter leaves in August, run to us and we will shower you with hugs and strong shoulders. Eventually, you will be fine because your wonderful daughter will be fine.

 

 

 

Lisa, this is such a sweet post, and it's everything I feel and hope for, right down to the Dr. Who viewings.

Thank you so much!

[creekland]

 

 

Lisa, this is such a sweet post, and it's everything I feel and hope for, right down to the Dr. Who viewings.

Thank you so much!

 

 

:iagree: And I'll admit to having things (Burn Notice, Revolution, White Collar) saved on our DVR just in case middle son comes home. We've watched them already, but we'll watch them again (happily) if we get the chance...

 

In the meantime, I love the phone calls and hearing how his life is progressing.