How do i get ds10 to listen to me THE FIRST TIME?

[Halcyon]

When i ask him to do something?? Help.

[Snow]

:bigear: me too.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

I don't have a perfect solution, only a "this sometimes works here." I say what I want done, if it's not done I don't ask again but when they ask/want for something I say "No, you didn't do xyz."

[Dana]

Make the consequence for not listening severe enough that he'll pay attention.

[Catwoman]

If you figure it out, let me know. :glare:

[Halcyon]

Right, but what if we are trying to get out of the house (i work three afternoons and cannot be late) and i have asked him to get his hockey gear together, his water bottle and his unfinished schoolwork. I give him PLENTY of time, but we must leave the house at a particular time. We have sat down and talked with him about how important it is that he respect the fact tht i have to be at work, etc. i often arrive at work stressed and tired just from trying to get the kids out of the home in a timely manner and to childcare.

[Halcyon]

Make the consequence for not listening severe enough that he'll pay attention.

 

 

I am open to suggestions. :)

[Julie Smith]

Personally he must do what ever he can before the deadline. For example if it is getting things ready (getting hockey bag ready...) then that has to be done in advance. And if he doesn't then he doesn't eat.

 

So the night before he must get everything as ready as possible the night before or no dinner. (or other have to thing). Then in the morning you leave when you leave. If he isn't ready then he must go in his unready state. So if he doesn't first eat, then he is hungry.

[Dana]

He misses hockey if he isn't ready to go.

Or if you need to drop him at hockey while you're at work, he goes there unprepared and has to sit on sidelines.

 

I have great difficulty getting moving in the morning, so I have my son get his stuff ready and at the door the night before.

 

Think about what your goal is....getting him to listen first time? Getting out of the house in a timely manner? Each may have a different approach.

[dbmamaz]

i agree with the prepping-the-night-before. listening in general, not happening around here. but i make sure things are ready the night before for classes and stuff.

[itsheresomewhere]

I had to remind mine that it is required to leave the house with pants on. He put on his shirt, sweater, jacket, underwear, socks and shoes but forgot his pants. How do you not notice that? I sometimes wonder if I block one ear will what I said be heard.

[GoVanGogh]

We have to do all our prep the night before. DS11 is absent minded, slow, scatterbrained and pokey. He stresses me out. Today, we were getting around to go to an outside activity and he walked square into the closed front door. Wood. Not glass.

[Critterfixer]

How about trying some speed drill work? On a day you don't have to go to work, practice the get done and run routine. Set a timer and work to beat the time. Reward fast and accurate responses with an ice cream or other favorite small thing. You might even make that payable on the day of work with a repeat performance.

My boys have to be up, dressed, bathroom taken care of and in the car by 6:25 am Friday am, every Friday. They seem to make it a point to be waiting on me...I think it makes them feel all smug and confident in their abilities to hustle. If they didn't I'd probably try to turn it into a beat Mom kind of game to encourage them to get around promptly.

[Mommy22alyns]

We do a lot of early prepping for activities. As far as the listening? Please let me know when you find out!

[FriedClams]

Right, but what if we are trying to get out of the house (i work three afternoons and cannot be late) and i have asked him to get his hockey gear together, his water bottle and his unfinished schoolwork. I give him PLENTY of time, but we must leave the house at a particular time. We have sat down and talked with him about how important it is that he respect the fact tht i have to be at work, etc. i often arrive at work stressed and tired just from trying to get the kids out of the home in a timely manner and to childcare.

 

 

I would leave for practice without checking his gear for him. If you get to practice and he's missing stuff - he tells the coach and watches. I doubt he'd do it twice.

[Moxie]

I would have a checklist with a deadline well before you have to leave (an hour or so). Tell him he has until 3 to do it. After 3, you will be happy to do it for him for the low rate of $5.

[sassenach]

Set a hard time, if he misses it, he loses something (hockey, video games, TV, time with friends...).

 

I had to leave my 15yo home from church, which she was very upset about, because I gave her the hard time and she missed it. She hasn't done it again.

 

Obviously, you can't just leave him behind, but he can certainly lose some priveledge. The trick is to lay out the expectation and the consequence in advanced and then follow through with 100% consistency.

[Julie Smith]

This just reminded me of a family story.

 

(Names have been changed) My uncle Joe had the job of getting Loo up in the morning. Well Loo wouldn't get up. So one morning Joe took a (Long time ago, and old at the time) gun and fired it at his head board and blew a hole in the head board. Well to this day you can just say, "Loo, get up" and he gets up really quickly.

 

Mind you, I'm not recommending that method.

[kiwik]

I have the same problem. I get to work stressed every morning. I can have them completely ready to go 20 mins early and then lose half an hour and be late because someone has emptied their bag to get something, wet their pants (the nearly year old) spilt something on their shirt and just has to change (ds5) or does something I really have to deal with. I refuse to get show and tell items that weren't packed in advance and I have taken them without shoes and made them eat in the car but it is like herding cats.

[Ellie]

When you tell him to do something (and most of the time, you're *telling* him to do something he doesn't have a choice about, right?), you give him a specific amount of time to do it (even if you don't say it out loud), and if he doesn't, you get up and require him to do it.

[Ellie]

Right, but what if we are trying to get out of the house (i work three afternoons and cannot be late) and i have asked him to get his hockey gear together, his water bottle and his unfinished schoolwork. I give him PLENTY of time, but we must leave the house at a particular time. We have sat down and talked with him about how important it is that he respect the fact tht i have to be at work, etc. i often arrive at work stressed and tired just from trying to get the kids out of the home in a timely manner and to childcare.

 

You aren't *asking* him to do it. At least, you shouldn't be. You tell him to get his stuff together, you set a timer, you check on him (IOW, don't tell him what to do and walk away, and 20 minutes later act surprised and upset because he hasn't done it. Give him 10 minutes, and check on him), and when it's time to go, you go.

[carriewillard]

Julie those were the good old days! My dad tells a story of how his cousin would not share a bike with him. Grandpa made cousin ride the bike allll day. Every time he tried to stop gramps made him get back on! My dad and his cousin were best friends.

 

 

[Halcyon]

 

 

I would leave for practice without checking his gear for him. If you get to practice and he's missing stuff - he tells the coach and watches. I doubt he'd do it twice.

 

I never check his gear for him. But he does NOT hussle when he needs to to get his gear ready, so we are often waiting on him.

[Halcyon]

When you tell him to do something (and most of the time, you're *telling* him to do something he doesn't have a choice about, right?), you give him a specific amount of time to do it (even if you don't say it out loud), and if he doesn't, you get up and require him to do it.

 

I do require it. He just moves so slowly that any amount of time i give him he expands the activity to fit that time. I do think it is disrespect of somekind, moving purposefully slowly, or jus tNOT fast, when he knows we r running late, kwim?

[Mommy22alyns]

Can you have him put his gear in the car the night before? I wish I knew what to tell you; Rebecca can be poky too, but not when it comes to gymnastics. Math? Sure.

[Ellie]

I do require it. He just moves so slowly that any amount of time i give him he expands the activity to fit that time. I do think it is disrespect of somekind, moving purposefully slowly, or jus tNOT fast, when he knows we r running late, kwim?

 

 

I don't know for sure what you should do. I don't know for sure what *I* would do in your situation. :grouphug: Getting out of the house on time was not a problem for us. Feel free to pat me on the head and thank me for my suggestions while in your mind you're thinking "For crying out loud!" :lol:

 

I had a very dear friend who had two precious sons. They were the three most distracted people in the entire known world. When I went to visit them, and the boys were getting ready to do...anything...I had to pick up a book and read it, because they all made me crazy, bless their hearts. My friend would instruct them to go get dressed and then she'd go do her thing and never check on the boys. They, being young children, would go play quietly in their rooms. For a short time the boys were enrolled in their church's school, and OMG...the demerits they acquired in a short amount of time! And it was mostly for things like forgetting their homework, forgetting their pencils, forgetting uniform parts, forgetting their lunches. And being late. The school was *far* from their home, making it impossible for anyone to go back home to fetch something. They had lists on the doors to remind them of everything they needed to take. They packed their backpacks the night before. :blink: And then when their father would come to pick them up (my friend and her husband were separated), she never, ever had them ready, because of the same issues: she'd send them off to get dressed/otherwise ready to go, and never check up on them.

 

For my friend, the problem was as much hers as her children's. They were obedient, sweet children, and I loved being with them, and I don't say that about everyone's children, lol. But honestly, I don't know how she managed to be anywhere on time. Surprisingly, her younger ds joined the Air Force three or four years ago and seems to be doing well on military time. Who knew?!

 

And so every time I would watch (or try not to watch) the dog-and-pony show at their house, I would think to myself, "Oh, man...I'd be so ON THOSE CHILDREN!!!" I'd be setting the timer, and if they hadn't done what I had directed them to do, I'd go *help* them do it, and it wouldn't be pretty. Yes, even though they should be able to do what they were supposed to, but doggonit, we are leaving, and we are NOT going to be late, and I'm not going to be in anguish because someone can't get his act together!

[Sahamamama]

Personally he must do what ever he can before the deadline. For example if it is getting things ready (getting hockey bag ready...) then that has to be done in advance. And if he doesn't then he doesn't eat.

 

So the night before he must get everything as ready as possible the night before or no dinner. (or other have to thing). Then in the morning you leave when you leave. If he isn't ready then he must go in his unready state. So if he doesn't first eat, then he is hungry.

 

 

This is what works for me, too. It's good to know I'm not the only mom who does this! :) That is, when I want something done in a timely way, I make the deadline the next meal time. If it isn't done, the child who didn't do it does not eat until it is done. Amazingly effective.

 

Can you link his preparations to eating before you leave? If X is not done by ____ pm, then you will not have your supper? Require his gear to be in the car before he eats?

 

When he does what you want, then he gets what he wants.

 

Or, you could talk to his hockey coach. Let the coach know what you are aiming at, get him/her on board with it, and then implement the plan. When it's time to leave the house, just leave -- with or without the hockey gear. Push him into the car, if needed. Drop him off at hockey with no gear. He sits on the bench the entire time, because he didn't pack his gear on time.

 

How many times of doing that do you think it would take to change the behavior?

[Ellie]

Personally he must do what ever he can before the deadline. For example if it is getting things ready (getting hockey bag ready...) then that has to be done in advance. And if he doesn't then he doesn't eat.

 

So the night before he must get everything as ready as possible the night before or no dinner. (or other have to thing). Then in the morning you leave when you leave. If he isn't ready then he must go in his unready state. So if he doesn't first eat, then he is hungry.

 

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

[Parrothead]

I'd say he misses hockey, but at least around here hockey costs a million dollars so...

 

It's tough. I like the idea of prepping the night before.

 

My 11 year old is not any better FWIW.

 

 

But it isn't like she is paying for an activity where he never shows up. One (or maybe two) time without out appropriate gear may well do the trick. Especially if he gets blasted by coach. having someone other than mom and dad on his case may help straighten him up too.

[DragonFaerie]

Well, about the hockey gear and having his stuff together and ready to go, I would make him do that the night before. And I would make it a requirement before he gets to watch TV or whatever other evening activity he enjoys. In my house, the kids eat dinner and then immediately get their showers. Once showers are done, then they're free to do whatever they want the rest of the evening. In your case, I would just add gathering gear and putting things in the car before evening free time.

 

As for the listening, it can be very tedious, but one thing to do is to make your DS stop and look you squarely in the eye as you're talking to him. Get eye to eye with him, even hold his face in your hands if you need to to make sure you have his undivided attention. Then, tell him ONE thing to go do. "Go right this minute and ________. When you're done, come back to me immediately." Give him an appropriate amount of time, and if he hasn't come back for further instructions, find him. When he comes back, do the same thing for the next instruction. Eventually, he'll get tired of having to go and report back, go and report back. He may be 27 when he does, but eventually he'll get it. :D

[Parrothead]

I never check his gear for him. But he does NOT hussle when he needs to to get his gear ready, so we are often waiting on him.

 

 

Quit waiting. He is old enough and has been through this enough that it has become a power struggle.

[Tess in the Burbs]

when I would stand beside them after asking it annoyed them. I told ds I asked him to do something and he needed to go do it. And I followed. He hated that lol.

 

But now I have him repeat to me what he needs to go do. He can ask to do it later but he rarely does. I would allow it if he asked for most chores. But then he has to report back when he's done.

 

I found that he will respond most of the time immediately. It's when I present something to be done later on that is the issue. We are getting ready to put something on paper/wall so he can visualize. Like today is trash day....he needs to get it ready to go out and put recycling outside. I want him to know it's Wed and it has to be done before the fun stuff. Hoping something on the wall he sees will help him get the balance/time thing going on in his head lol.

 

But around here if I don't get a response back it was done it never gets done. So he repeats my request and he must report back when done. It's helped. If he forgets he loses out on video games for the day.

 

I want to point out that ds will hear me, repeat back, walk out of the room, come back and ask me what he was supposed to do. So I do think it's the age that hurts as well

[Parrothead]

I do require it. He just moves so slowly that any amount of time i give him he expands the activity to fit that time. I do think it is disrespect of somekind, moving purposefully slowly, or jus tNOT fast, when he knows we r running late, kwim?

 

 

Set his alarm clock an hour early so he can have the extra time to get ready.

No more waiting on him. Take him by the hand to the car without his gear. This will let him know he is not in control anymore.

He has to go to bed an hour early so he isn't too tired to get his stuff together in the morning without dragging.

[Tammi K]

I let my kids know early in the day what the plans are. Then I give them a five minute 'heads up' warning before we have to go somewhere. They know what they need to have ready before hand and when I walk out the door they better plan to follow if they expect a ride. I've had a few occasions where one particular child has run down the driveway in stocking feet because she didn't have her shoes on in time. I've had kids end up at events in slippers for the same reason.

Youngest son used to do gymnastics. Water bottle was required at every practice. The first few times he forgot his bottle and I bought him a $1.00 water at the gym. After the first week, I told him I would be happy to loan him the money but it would come out of his allowance (a mere $3.00 a week at the time) He never forgot his water bottle again. This same son played hockey at 10 as well. I carried his stick because he couldn't manage his bag and his stick. But the rule was, the stick better be sitting by the front door when I walk out of it gets left behind. He was responsible for his gear. ALWAYS! Every time. Gymnastics was a good preparation for him because he never once forgot his gear or stick.

Right now our schedule is such that on Wednesday, we leave the house at 3:00 for a computer activity with a friend, followed by skating, then choir, then youth group, and finally violin lessons. The youngest two (just turned 12 a few weeks ago, and 15) have to have everything they need ( laptop, power cord, skates, change of clothes, choir music, bible for youth group, violin, music books) when we walk out the door because I don't see them again until 10:00 and dad picks them up directly from work. If there is something forgotten, they make do without it. It happens from time to time. But, it's not my problem. It's theirs.

 

Yes, hockey is expensive (so is skating and violin and ....) and you hate the thought of him sitting in the box just watching because he forgot his gear or wasn't ready in time. But, by 10, it's not too early to teach that it is his problem - not yours.

[Tammi K]

double post

[Halcyon]

 

 

This is what works for me, too. It's good to know I'm not the only mom who does this! :) That is, when I want something done in a timely way, I make the deadline the next meal time. If it isn't done, the child who didn't do it does not eat until it is done. Amazingly effective.

 

Can you link his preparations to eating before you leave? If X is not done by ____ pm, then you will not have your supper? Require his gear to be in the car before he eats?

 

When he does what you want, then he gets what he wants.

 

Or, you could talk to his hockey coach. Let the coach know what you are aiming at, get him/her on board with it, and then implement the plan. When it's time to leave the house, just leave -- with or without the hockey gear. Push him into the car, if needed. Drop him off at hockey with no gear. He sits on the bench the entire time, because he didn't pack his gear on time.

 

How many times of doing that do you think it would take to change the behavior?

 

 

Well, he doesnt care about food, so the food thing would be no incentive. I definitely have considered the no hockey thing. He really does try, i think, and has improved, but when i say "you need to put your bag in the car NOW" he seems to think i mean "in the next few mnutes". I really mean NOW.

 

I think i will adapt your suggestions. I will say that when the buzzer goes off i am LEAVING, not just leaving the house, but DRIVING OUT THE DRIVEWAY, and he must be in the car. If not, i will put him in the car myself (cant leave him at home, that is not an option). If he forgets his homework, he will have to do it that night, if he forgets his hockey helmet, no playing. If he forgets his shoes (yes, this has happened, we live in florida!) then no shoes at afterschool.

 

The last time i tried this he burst into tears he was so upset, and he only does that when he is really upset, so i thought i needed to Guide him better in how to meet the goals, but really, this is getting silly.