why are some women just not encouraging?

[HollyDay]

Over the years, I've had a few women in my life that are not the least bit encouraging. Everything is negative and discouraging. Whatever happened to the saying "If you don't have anything nice to say......"

 

I'm not talking about friends I've come to trust giving me helpful advice. I'm talking about aquaintances trying to be negative and detracting.

[J-rap]

Unfortunately, they were probably raised in families like that. It's so ingrained in them, they can't see any other way. Maybe they have low self esteem too. I try and stay away from people like that, for the most part.

[beaners]

I don't say negative things like that (I hope!) but I have an awful habit of shooting down everything that "fixers" come up with. I have actual legitimate reasons why the suggestions won't work, and someone outside the situation might not know just how ridiculous my husband's schedule is or what it's like to have 4 children 5 and under or that we have zero family within 8 hours. I don't want to be negative, and if someone really did have a good idea that would work I would jump on it. I hate saying "No, that won't work because..." over and over so I try to catch myself and make it sound like I'll at least consider something. I'm sure that there are a couple "fixers" out there who think I'm just refusing to pick any of their wonderful solutions (Have the grandparents babysit! Let the kids arrange transportation for their activities if they want to do it! Take a class/get a job on your husband's days off!) I recognize that they're usually trying to help problem-solve. I can imagine how I'd react to someone suggesting I lose weight or dye my hair. It would be...memorable.

[Chocolate Rose]

Obviously it doesn't just apply to women. But, I agree that it has something to do with how the person is raised as well as personality as well as life experience.

[Dandelion]

I'm talking about aquaintances trying to be negative for some reason I can't see......

 

I doubt that they're *trying* to be negative. They just are. They probably see themselves as helpful and caring, even though I totally agree that comments like the ones you're receiving are neither.

 

Personally, I avoid spending time around people like that as much as possible. They sap my energy. The only person in my life currently who does have a tendency towards negativity is my mom. We have a great relationship and although she hasn't always been receptive to my input about how her negative comments make me feel, she's really come around in recent years. She's even thanked me this past year for being honest with her about her negativity, because the efforts she's made to become a more positive, encouraging person have improved all of her relationships. I'm proud of her for being so open to change at this stage of her life (she's 73). :)

 

Since the negative people in your life are acquaintances and not close friends or family, what would it take to simply avoid them?

[Moxie]

Interesting. I consider some of those responses 'honest' not 'negative'. Some people consider me negative, though, and I know my Dad is super negative; maybe it is just me and my POV??

[MooCow]

From my personal experience, I believe it is just plain old fashioned jealousy.

[HollyDay]

Thanks for the input. The comments that prompted me to start this thread just aren't the kind of comments that are meant to inform. It is as if the speaker wants to deliberately minimize. I've had such comments directed at me recently but I've also seen and heard similar situations toward other people. It reminds me a bit of jr. high quite frankly.

[HollyDay]

The 'that won't work b/c..' stuff is the voice of experience trying to save you from a headache. usually if you hear them out, you realize the person speaking is really a poor organizational person but occasionally you get someone who can really help you out with their tips. Sometimes these people just want to block your success because that's the type of people they are.

 

The personal comments are jealousy. You'll have to stop those and steer the conversation to something else if you want to remain acquantainces. They aren't in charge of your life.

 

The "voice of reason" is always welcome. The voice that tries to exclude or detract is not so welcome.....

 

Going only by your examples, I doubt they thought about it as hard as you are. Sometimes people just say stuff because they feel like they should say something. Most people don't think a whole lot before they speak. Plus you are taking these various statements from various people and lumping them all together and in total it seems like there is this big weight pressing down on you when in reality individually the comments are not so heavy. KWIM?

 

:grouphug:

 

I guess I should have worded my original post better.

[jhschool]

The "voice of reason" is always welcome. The voice that tries to exclude or detract is not so welcome.....

I guess I should have worded my original post better.

This is an interesting thread. I do know some women who are not encouraging.

They might say, "What a nice skirt! That is an interesting choice of blouse..."

 

Is that more what you mean?

 

Or (from a man): You shouldn't carry such heavy things (bag of dogfood). Women should

not carry heavy things like that.

Me: I've been carrying heavy things for ever (was doing it with no effort). I used to carry DS

around for years.

Him: That's when you were MUCH younger.

 

That kind of thing?

[Stellalarella]

OVer a decade ago I moved from one region of the country to another and discovered there can be cultural differences in how women talk with one another. It can be......unsettling for both parties as they learn how to make friends with each other. The thing that helps me is to sometimes take a step back and consider the person's heart towards me.

 

My directness, dryness, practicality and "lack of optimism that it will ever rain in time to save the crops" :) find themselves more at home in the rural midwest than in the south where some of my friends need me to be much more understanding, sympathetic, verbally responsive and emotionally supportive.

 

My truest friends are the ones that actually took a moment to tell me if something I was doing was hurtful or bothersome to them. I really appreciate people like that. Actually, I love them.

[HollyDay]

 

Is this basically one person in your life?

 

If that's the case I'd tell them you could do without their constant negativity! Or if you can possibly cut this person out of your life then do it.

 

 

 

Actually, I was thinking about multiple examples from various women either directed at me or other women I have known over time. While I was waiting for dc at the library, I heard a conversation that got me thinking. It went something like this:

 

woman A: your daughter has such lovely hair, does she ever brush or style it so it looks neat and clean?

woman B: we came directly from soccer practice

woman A: good for you! You must be encouraging your daughter to lose some of that weight.

 

They moved on from where I was sitting. It got me thinking about "backhanded" compliments, encouragers, discouragers, etc.....There have certainly been this type of person in my sphere from time to time and I do try to limit my contact with them.

[beaners]

Now I understand. You overheard my MIL. It all makes sense now.

[NotSoObvious]

 

 

 

Actually, I was thinking about multiple examples from various women either directed at me or other women I have known over time. While I was waiting for dc at the library, I heard a conversation that got me thinking. It went something like this:

 

woman A: your daughter has such lovely hair, does she ever brush or style it so it looks neat and clean?

woman B: we came directly from soccer practice

woman A: good for you! You must be encouraging your daughter to lose some of that weight.

 

They moved on from where I was sitting. It got me thinking about "backhanded" compliments, encouragers, discouragers, etc.....There have certainly been this type of person in my sphere from time to time and I do try to limit my contact with them.

 

 

Oh my gosh! I would never speak to that woman again.

[Dandelion]

Actually, I was thinking about multiple examples from various women either directed at me or other women I have known over time. While I was waiting for dc at the library, I heard a conversation that got me thinking. It went something like this:

 

woman A: your daughter has such lovely hair, does she ever brush or style it so it looks neat and clean?

woman B: we came directly from soccer practice

woman A: good for you! You must be encouraging your daughter to lose some of that weight.

 

They moved on from where I was sitting. It got me thinking about "backhanded" compliments, encouragers, discouragers, etc.....There have certainly been this type of person in my sphere from time to time and I do try to limit my contact with them.

 

 

That's when Woman B should have said: "Wow, you're so amazingly rude! Does it come naturally or do you practice?" :rolleyes: With a smile of course.

[DawnM]

Ok, when you talk about my CHILD, all decorum goes out the window and I am free to say whatever I wish to you, as rude as it might be.

 

I recently had this happen with a woman who had made comments about my kids several times. She doesn't see it. It isn't only my kid. She is just negative.

 

I had finally had enough. I told her I would not allow her to belittle or berate my children any more.

 

Let's just say we are no longer even acquaintances.

 

Dawn

 

 

 

Actually, I was thinking about multiple examples from various women either directed at me or other women I have known over time. While I was waiting for dc at the library, I heard a conversation that got me thinking. It went something like this:

 

woman A: your daughter has such lovely hair, does she ever brush or style it so it looks neat and clean?

woman B: we came directly from soccer practice

woman A: good for you! You must be encouraging your daughter to lose some of that weight.

 

They moved on from where I was sitting. It got me thinking about "backhanded" compliments, encouragers, discouragers, etc.....There have certainly been this type of person in my sphere from time to time and I do try to limit my contact with them.

 

[aggieamy]

 

 

Actually, I was thinking about multiple examples from various women either directed at me or other women I have known over time. While I was waiting for dc at the library, I heard a conversation that got me thinking. It went something like this:

 

woman A: your daughter has such lovely hair, does she ever brush or style it so it looks neat and clean?

woman B: we came directly from soccer practice

woman A: good for you! You must be encouraging your daughter to lose some of that weight.

 

They moved on from where I was sitting. It got me thinking about "backhanded" compliments, encouragers, discouragers, etc.....There have certainly been this type of person in my sphere from time to time and I do try to limit my contact with them.

 

 

Oh - I know the answer to this one. That's not an example of "not being encouraging". That's an example of being a huge jerk. Remove those people from your life.

[Stellalarella]

Oh my gosh! I would never speak to that woman again.

That's when Woman B should have said: "Wow, you're so amazingly rude! Does it come naturally or do you practice?" :rolleyes: With a smile of course.

 

 

Let's just say we are no longer even acquaintances.

 

 

Oh - I know the answer to this one. That's not an example of "not being encouraging". That's an example of being a huge jerk. Remove those people from your life.

 

I just thought it was interesting to see those responses all in a row; the rejection or ostracism of a person.

 

Our life situation calls for a case by case evaluation when we deal with folks who seem prickly. We (but mainly me because I am the mother) receive numerous comments, unsolicited advice, uncomfortable questions, sometimes amazing loving support and sometimes equally amazing public meanness because two of our six children are black and the rest of us are white.

 

As the years have gone by, I have recognized that the heart motive of folks typically shines out from behind their words, even though I view MOST ALL of their comments as rude. Sometimes folks just inappropriately let their curiosity get the better of them. Sometimes they are meaning to be kind. Sometimes they are viewing a situation differently than I do because of their cultural preferences (straightened, petroleum product shined hair vs. naturally styled hair, for example).

 

I feel proudest of myself when I am able to speak up for my family and my girls in a positive tone, when I accurately assess some folks as being willing to listen and alternatively when I am able to move away from someone who has been mean-spirited without feeling a need to explain myself.

 

It hasn't helped me to categorically reject someone.

 

In fact, I had an absolutely horrific situation in a public building over my girls' hair that ended with the other lady being escorted out of the building by security. A year later, I attended a large event where Tavis Smiley was speaking at a HBC and I inadvertently sat next to this same woman. :crying:

 

I'm glad I spoke to her again that day, even if we aren't friends with one another.

 

I think my town is just too small to keep enemies.

 

I don't always achieve it, but I seek to stand up for what is right, protect myself or my children if necessary, but never give up on hoping for the best out of my fellow humans.

[justamouse]

Unfortunately, they were probably raised in families like that. It's so ingrained in them, they can't see any other way. Maybe they have low self esteem too. I try and stay away from people like that, for the most part.

 

:iagree:

 

It's a habit ingrained from their families. THey probably have NO idea they're like that.

[dbmamaz]

i also appreciate the clarification. i often forget to be 'encouraging' . . . like i forget someone's father is ill so i forget to try to say something encouraging . . or i assume someone is confident on whatever their path is so it doesnt occur to me that they may appreciate some encouragement . . . but yes, that example has nothing to do with encouragement, its mean and rude.

 

so, yes, some people are mean and rude. some people are mean and rude with a smile on their face. why doesnt matter. it just is. avoid it.

[Denisemomof4]

I haven't read the responses here, but my experience has been the negative, wanting to attack, always critical people are the most unhappiest people in the world. They just don't have happy lives, and I don't know if they're even capable of having one - even in the best of circumstances.

[elegantlion]

 

 

Actually, I was thinking about multiple examples from various women either directed at me or other women I have known over time. While I was waiting for dc at the library, I heard a conversation that got me thinking. It went something like this:

 

woman A: your daughter has such lovely hair, does she ever brush or style it so it looks neat and clean?

woman B: we came directly from soccer practice

woman A: good for you! You must be encouraging your daughter to lose some of that weight.

 

They moved on from where I was sitting. It got me thinking about "backhanded" compliments, encouragers, discouragers, etc.....There have certainly been this type of person in my sphere from time to time and I do try to limit my contact with them.

 

:svengo: How horrid.

[Dandelion]

 

I just thought it was interesting to see those responses all in a row; the rejection or ostracism of a person.

 

Our life situation calls for a case by case evaluation when we deal with folks who seem prickly. We (but mainly me because I am the mother) receive numerous comments, unsolicited advice, uncomfortable questions, sometimes amazing loving support and sometimes equally amazing public meanness because two of our six children are black and the rest of us are white.

 

As the years have gone by, I have recognized that the heart motive of folks typically shines out from behind their words, even though I view MOST ALL of their comments as rude.

 

I can see your point. My response to the OP's exchange between Woman A and Woman B was somewhat tongue-in-cheek. However, there's a huge difference between cluelessness and meanness. In the OP's example, Woman A was basically telling Woman B that her daughter's hair was messy and dirty, and that she needed to lose weight. I have a difficult time interpreting those comments as cluelessness and just being socially inept. There's just no rational reason to comment negatively on the appearance of someone else's child.

 

I'm the mother of a child on the autism spectrum. I get plenty of comments that are rude, but come from a place of genuine caring and concern. In those cases, I overlook the unfortunate phrasing and address what I believe to be at the root of the comment. Most of what the OP has shared in this thread seems to come from a different motivation IMO.

[aggieamy]

I can see your point. My response to the OP's exchange between Woman A and Woman B was somewhat tongue-in-cheek. However, there's a huge difference between cluelessness and meanness. In the OP's example, Woman A was basically telling Woman B that her daughter's hair was messy and dirty, and that she needed to lose weight. I have a difficult time interpreting those comments as cluelessness and just being socially inept. There's just no rational reason to comment negatively on the appearance of someone else's child.

 

I'm the mother of a child on the autism spectrum. I get plenty of comments that are rude, but come from a place of genuine caring and concern. In those cases, I overlook the unfortunate phrasing and address what I believe to be at the root of the comment. Most of what the OP has shared in this thread seems to come from a different motivation IMO.

 

I agree. I can deal with people being clueless but being mean ... about my KID? No. I'd rather have no friends than have a friend that deliberately said mean things about my child.

[Stellalarella]

I can see your point. My response to the OP's exchange between Woman A and Woman B was somewhat tongue-in-cheek. However, there's a huge difference between cluelessness and meanness. In the OP's example, Woman A was basically telling Woman B that her daughter's hair was messy and dirty, and that she needed to lose weight. I have a difficult time interpreting those comments as cluelessness and just being socially inept. There's just no rational reason to comment negatively on the appearance of someone else's child.

 

I'm the mother of a child on the autism spectrum. I get plenty of comments that are rude, but come from a place of genuine caring and concern. In those cases, I overlook the unfortunate phrasing and address what I believe to be at the root of the comment. Most of what the OP has shared in this thread seems to come from a different motivation IMO.

 

 

 

I recently read a book called "French Kids Eat Everything," by Karen Le Billon. In her book she relates a story about very strong advice and correction she received in a French grocery store. Her daughter had been very good while shopping and she offered to give the little one a cookie while they were waiting in the check out line. The cashier immediately chastised her for doing something that would spoil the little girl's regular meals. Two women behind her in the line also joined in. Basically, they let her know that it was bad parenting to give the girl a cookie. Three French women took it upon themselves to protect the little girl's dinner and took the Canadian mom to task.

 

That's France.

 

But here in America, if that same scenario played out..not that it would...the cashier would get fired, the poor corrected parent would go on Facebook to tell everyone about the hideous, rude and nosy ladies, general rants would follow, the mom would go to her favorite forum to post about handling rude people and the girl would most definitely get her cookie, or three.

 

I think our enculturation is a big factor in what we perceive as "rude."

[DB in NJ]

 

 

 

Actually, I was thinking about multiple examples from various women either directed at me or other women I have known over time. While I was waiting for dc at the library, I heard a conversation that got me thinking. It went something like this:

 

woman A: your daughter has such lovely hair, does she ever brush or style it so it looks neat and clean?

woman B: we came directly from soccer practice

woman A: good for you! You must be encouraging your daughter to lose some of that weight.

 

They moved on from where I was sitting. It got me thinking about "backhanded" compliments, encouragers, discouragers, etc.....There have certainly been this type of person in my sphere from time to time and I do try to limit my contact with them.

 

 

I'd trip her. Or smack her. Or smack her as she fell after I tripped her. Shheeese!

[TravelingChris]

Agree with pp, The example was just plain mean. I am not a gushy person so I may come off as not encouraging but I am not a rude person like that.

[LaxMom]

Now I understand. You overheard my MIL. It all makes sense now.

 

I didn't even know I had a brother.

[Sahamamama]

Some men are this way, too. It's not exclusive to women. But as women interacting (mostly) with women, we may notice more women who are naysayers. I know what you mean about the negativity. I had a sister like that, but we no longer connect.

 

She would come into my house, unannounced, at 8:15 in the morning, back when I had three babies under the age of two. And she'd say to me, "What!? Are you still in your robe? At this time of day? What? Are you only now feeding your children breakfast? What's the matter with you, don't you know what I've accomplished already today?" :blink:

 

Or, she'd come into my house, unannounced, at 8:15 in the morning, back when my husband was working two jobs to make ends meet. And she'd inspect my stove, which I had thoroughly cleaned on Friday, but which had been used by my sauce-spilling husband over the weekend. She'd say, "Oh, wow! Just look at your stove! What?! What's the matter with your? Don't you ever clean it? Why is all this sauce on it?" (small spot of dried pasta sauce, big deal)

 

I had her over the barrel there, because her husband never cooks or lifts a finger around the house. So I said, "Well, Hubby was home over the weekend for a few hours in between jobs, but still he helped me with the children and did some of the cooking. So cleaning the stove on Monday morning after you leave is a small price to pay for all that help, right?"

 

It was always like this with her. Her goals seemed to be as follows: (1) Find something in another person to tear down, and (2) tear it down, (3) sometimes violently.

 

I came to a point of being done with that, so now we are done. HTH.

[G5052]

Yes, I've been thinking about this very issue today.

 

I was with one of my mentors last evening at a play. She's had a *very* complicated, difficult life. We discussed some tough issues that we're both wrestling with on the way, but we both came away hopeful and happy with more insight. She will give you a respectful, but well-reasoned opinion if you ask her what she'd do in a situation, but she doesn't seek out situations where she can put in her two cents.

 

Then I was talking with another woman this morning who considers herself a mentor. When I mentioned the play I'd been to, she immediately shot it down as one that she wouldn't have let her children go to. And she mentioned some books that she doesn't think are appropriate. She knows that my children read these books are part of their schooling, and that my mentor friend teaches with those books and is considered somewhat of an expert on them. Sigh. Why did I ever bring it up?

 

So yes, there are encouragers, and there are discouragers.

[Sahamamama]

I don't say negative things like that (I hope!) but I have an awful habit of shooting down everything that "fixers" come up with. I have actual legitimate reasons why the suggestions won't work, and someone outside the situation might not know just how ridiculous my husband's schedule is or what it's like to have 4 children 5 and under or that we have zero family within 8 hours. I don't want to be negative, and if someone really did have a good idea that would work I would jump on it. I hate saying "No, that won't work because..." over and over so I try to catch myself and make it sound like I'll at least consider something. I'm sure that there are a couple "fixers" out there who think I'm just refusing to pick any of their wonderful solutions (Have the grandparents babysit! Let the kids arrange transportation for their activities if they want to do it! Take a class/get a job on your husband's days off!) I recognize that they're usually trying to help problem-solve. I can imagine how I'd react to someone suggesting I lose weight or dye my hair. It would be...memorable.

 

I think it depends on how a person goes about shooting down the ideas, and to what extent that person was "fishing for fixes" in the first place. If a person fishes for fixes for the purpose of shooting them down, that's really bad. Just bad.

 

Again, enter my sister.

 

She used to rant about her son's school experiences. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. This is wrong with the teacher, that is wrong with the school. On and on and on. Then she'd say, "So, what do you think?"

 

And I was stupid in those days. Truly. I worked with and tutored many children. I had been involved with teaching children for more years than she had been a mother, and I knew boys, especially. I thought I had something to offer, perhaps? So I'd say, "Well, I think this.....[insert seemingly reasonable and workable solution]."

 

Immediate flare-up! Immediate ranting of, "That won't work because..... And you have no idea, because you're not a mother."

 

When I became a mother (of girls), this lovely line transitioned to "You have no clue, because you don't have boys."

 

When I had twins, I was sorely tempted...

[swellmomma]

When I first read the OP like many I thought of the refusers of the fixers ideas or those that are just plain mean outright, but then when I read further and read the post with woman A & B at the library my jaw dropped. The backhanded compliment is so much ruder than the person who just outright saws what they mean imo. I have had a few people in my life I consider negative, i find it incrediably draining to talk to them and they bring me down too much for me to keep talking to them. Those are the ones I first thought of, the ones where the world is constantly ending, everything is a crisis but any attempts to help with said crisis are shot down, which I get somewhat because I get lots of suggestions that I shoot down right away about my kids. It's the ones that seem to have it in their head that nothing will work whether it was tried or not because they are sure this molehill turned mountain will surely be the end of them anyway. I found myself acting that way a few years ago and pulled myself up short, I try really hard now if I am saying/posting lots of negative things, or having to shoot down lots of ideas to make a bigger effort to look for the positives, thank the fixers because I know they really are just trying to help even if their ideas are stupid for whatever reason etc. I don't want to be thought of as that sort of negative person.

 

There is the ones that boost themselves up by putting everyone else down, like thread here about not eating only healthy food, often irl or online you see women (yes men do this too but more often it is women) who make comments along the lines of that woman is a bad mother because she let her kid eat a twinkie for dessert and her precious little ones only eat bean sprouts and seaweed chips for treats. That is a different type of negative though, that is the type coming from someone who has low self esteen and is looking for anyreason to claim to be good/better at something. Or from the competive type who wants to be mother of the year every year in everyway and everyone else sucks.

[Soror]

I call those people negative nancys. I cannot stand to spend much time around negative people. My in-laws have a bad habit of this. For example if the weather is nice, then surely it will be bad tomorrow. Ya! gas prices are down, well that won't last, etc. It drives me bonkers. I always have to find something positive to say to all their negative comments because it is just so over the top I cannot take it. My dh does this as well due to growing up with the constant barrage of it. I'm trying to train him out of it :) I'm not a total pollyanna but I don't see the point of always looking for the negative. I'm more of a realist. The facts are the facts yes, but no sense on dwelling on it. Dh, I have figured out, tends to be a bit melodramatic as well. I don't know how many times the kids have done something and he has went on and on about how something was impossibly ruined forever, however later after he has some more sense it is not near so dire. My dearest friends are on the positive side of realism. They don't ignore problems but don't dwell on them. We look to lift each other up and encourage each other.

[Sahamamama]

woman A: your daughter has such lovely hair, does she ever brush or style it so it looks neat and clean?

woman B: we came directly from soccer practice

woman A: good for you! You must be encouraging your daughter to lose some of that weight.

 

:svengo: Wow. There are no words.

[Sahamamama]

That's when Woman B should have said: "Wow, you're so amazingly rude! Does it come naturally or do you practice?" :rolleyes: With a smile of course.

 

:hurray:

 

:iagree:

[Dandelion]

My dearest friends are on the positive side of realism. They don't ignore problems but don't dwell on them. We look to lift each other up and encourage each other.

 

This describes my circle of friends too. I think it's so important to surround yourself with positive, uplifting people as much as possible.

 

When I was in my twenties, I was a lot less discriminating with respect to my friendships and many of the negative people I chose to spend time with truly drained me. Now I'm in my early forties and I'm much more selective when it comes to friendships. All of my friends are very positive, happy, encouraging people. Yes, we all have our down days too - but we don't stay stuck there. Being surrounded by constant negativity can really take its toll on your emotional health and drag you down, while surrounding yourself with positive people does just the opposite.