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When one sibling passes another


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Older dd is 6. She is a hard worker and plenty smart. She is of Kindergarten age, but finishing up 2nd grade math and 1st grade phonics.

 

Younger dd is 2. Though not talking a lot, she is identifying letters and sounds. Last night, she picked up a penny off the ground and identified it. There are other things that point to her being able to blow us all out of the water in her problem solving abilities.

 

Loverboy is concerned that the time will come that dd2 will pass dd6, and that this will be more likely and more evident with homeschooling.

 

I believe this is inevitable because usually younger siblings DO pass older sibling in some skills (but not in others). I know this is entirely possible because I was also a second child who could beat my older sister in chess, take math classes a year earlier than she did, and solve a rubik's cube in high school.

 

My question is: How can we set up our family NOW to help both girls reach potential without having the older one feel discouraged and give up? What words and practices do we need to start using NOW.

 

Things I believe:

1) I'm less worried about intelligence than in what you do with it.

2) We're luckier than most. Loverboy always felt that his brother were better at school than he was. (One graduated h.s. with a 4.3 GPA and as best soccer player in the state). And yet, he is the only one who earned a PhD. Working hard makes a difference.

 

Thanks in advance!

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This is a bridge you can cross when you come to it. The beauty of homeschooling is that each individual progresses at their own pace. If you emphasize learning together and making progress instead of what level each child is working at, they will follow your lead.

 

And honestly, it's far too soon to predict which child is going to be "smarter" or "more advanced." I'd suggest you try to erase that mind set now to the point that you don't even go there mentally when sweet little one (or sweet older one) does something delightful or astonishing. Let them be themselves without comparison or competition. :)

 

Cat

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Don't worry about it for now. They will both have their own strengths. Focus on that. My 6 year old will, no doubt, pass both his older silings in math. He loves math and is incredible at it (he's in 5th grade math currently). His older brother struggles with math. His older sister just doesn't care for math. She's good at it, but the time will come when she will be done with it and Adric will keep moving on. Adric will likely pass Wil in reading within a couple years (Wil is dyslexic). Adric can already write compositions better than Wil. On the other hand, Wil can make things with his hands that are amazing. He has abilities that Adric will likely never have. And that's great because they are different kids. Focus on their own strengths and never compare them. That's my advice.

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My girls are close in age, so the younger has already far surpassed the elder in academics. In fact, the younger was ahead in many areas by the age of 2. So it's always been part of our reality.

 

When they were preschoolers, we just stressed that each person has strengths and weaknesses. Miss A learned to ride a bike first, miss E learned to read first. They were (and mostly still are) pretty positive about it, except when one of them is feeling particularly insecure. Miss A has a lot of struggles in school right now, and being in the same grade as Miss E, it's a pretty stark contrast. I think it's a good thing they knew going in that they have significantly different talents and that's OK.

 

So I'd be careful of how you speak about each child's relative talents. If you have a tendency to value, say, book smarts over sports ability, watch your words. Avoid saying that an ability or accomplishment makes a kid awesome or whatever. Acknowledge when the kids support each other and cooperate using complementary strengths. Let each child teach / help the other in her relative areas of strength, but make sure it's balanced. For each child, identify an accomplished, respected adult that that child "takes after."

 

I don't think it will be too hard. After all, you most likely think each of your kids is pretty impressive. You just need your dialogue and actions to reflect that.

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I think it is way too early to be worrying about this. I say this with a fair amount of confidence because *I* was concerned with this back when my oldest was 6 and her 4 yo brother was quickly approaching her academically. As they have grown this has mostly become a non-issue. It hasn't happened yet, so I will cross that bridge when I get there. Right now I create an environment where we cheer each others accomplishments and where hard work is rewarded over raw intelligence. I would recommend this for everyone, no matter the sibling/IQ situation.

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I wouldn't give it a thought.

 

My two are 18 months apart. Older (boy) was a late reader, younger (girl) was not early, but surpassed him easily. We didn't make a big deal out of it. I noticed that he would ask her to help him read unfamiliar words occasionally when he was younger; he doesn't do that anymore but he still asks her to spell difficult words for him. She, on the other hand, asks him for math help and when discussing our history reading, generally defers to his knowledge (or wants to let him answer everything).

 

My husband is better at math than I am, but I am better at reading aloud and talking about books. He's also better at solving mechanical problems, but I am better at making sure we have groceries, toilet paper, and clean clothes. My kids don't bother asking me to fix things, and they don't ask Dad to please add toilet paper to the Costco list or to put tacos on the menu plan.

 

Everyone has different strengths; I think kids can figure that out pretty well.

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With a 4 year age difference, I highly doubt it will be anytime soon that the younger passes the older, if at all. You really can't tell that much at age 2. Younger siblings learn via osmosis from their older siblings, so they often get things a lot quicker than the older one did at the same age. That doesn't make them smarter. It means they had someone close to their age to learn from. ;) Identifying letters and sounds does not mean she'll necessarily be reading this year. My oldest knew his letters and sounds at age 2 - started recognizing them as he was learning to talk. He didn't start reading until 4.5. My middle son didn't know letters/sounds until age 4, but he could blend at the time he was learning those letters/sounds. He is now starting to really read (and not just sound out everything) at age 6. My youngest took a little longer than his oldest brother to learn letters/sounds, but he could blend waaaaaaay earlier - a little before age 3. I was a bit afraid he'd catch up with DS2 because DS2 is a bit of a late bloomer (for our family at least), but now that DS2 is starting to take off, I'm not concerned about it anymore. The 3 year old *can* read, but he has no motivation to work at it, so he's not progressing nearly as fast as DS2 is.

 

Also in math, DS2 didn't count to 10 until age 4 and really didn't act "mathy" at all until this past school year. Now he's proving to be just as mathy as his big brother. The 3 year old? He can recognize 2-digit numbers, but can't add anything except 1+2 or 2+1. :D DS1 was adding within 10 by age 3.5. I have no clue how things will turn out, but I doubt anyone is going to pass anyone anytime soon, and mine are only 2.5 years apart.

 

And even if your younger kid does pass the older one, you can cross that bridge when you get to it.

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We are starting to see this already in our kids. My oldest dd8 is 2e, and she is already looking at ds5 and getting discouraged, because he can sit and do things that she just can't sit for and focus on. I don't know that I have any good answers for you, and I am looking forward to seeing what others have to say. I think you are right about this being more pronounced in homeschooled kids. It is easier to see working side-by-side.

 

One thing that has helped is that my dh, who we believe is similarly 2e, has been talking to her about his experiences. We try to highlight dd's many gifts and how she uses them for good. I have seen the suggestion to use different curricula so that it won't be so easy to tell that one has passed up another. We will definitely be doing that in math, as that is my younger's strength.

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Read Mindset by Carol Dweck. Watch this lecture by Richard Rusczyk. Help them to develop knowing that their worth is not based on their ranking in class, the age at which they accomplished something, or getting 100%. (sounds like you've already got a handle on this last part)

 

 

Also, be prepared to work separately with them , even if they're working on the same material. I've recently bought duplicate chemistry sets because they want to work separately in science. For some other subject they're happy to work together. :rolleyes:

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Also, be prepared to work separately with them , even if they're working on the same material. I've recently bought duplicate chemistry sets because they want to work separately in science. For some other subject they're happy to work together. :rolleyes:

 

 

You've gotten some good advice but I did want to agree emphatically with the quote above. My 9yods has/is definitely passing up my 11yods in many subjects. My 9yo also has a very strong and overbearing personality whereas my 11yods is very quiet and laid-back. A few years ago we were doing the typical approach of combining in as many subjects as possible but two years ago I decided to work on a more individualized approach for everything and my 11yo has flourished. He was really being stifled by both his brother's personality and the "competition".

 

I've put them into different programs for math so there is no comparison there. We do HOD at different levels. We do continue to do Latin together and since it is only one subject my older seems to see it as a challenge rather than letting his younger brother's ability discourage him.

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I was a bit worried about this at one time as well. Right before her 2nd b-day, my daughter watched the Leap Frog letter factory video twice and suddenly knew all of her letter sounds! My oldest was almost 5 and far from knowing his letter sounds. Her knowing them prompted him to learn them though, so some positives came out of it. We've always stressed that everyone has their own strengths and it's good that we're different. And that not everyone takes the same path and that's okay! My oldeset actually did much better with his little sister being ahead in something than we had expected. They're so competitive in everything normally. But my oldest knew it was fine and not a big deal - though it did motivate him. However, my daughter gets frustrated when she's not at his level - even though she's almost 3 years younger. As time has gone on, my daughter's amazing memory and super early signs of being gifted have proven strong - but my oldest, who I had no idea was gifted since his sensory issues got in the way, is actually much better than her with application and analysis. I think part of the issue too is that my oldest is gifted like I am gifted, so it was harder for me to recongnize it, since it seemed normal. (Plus I grew up with a profoundly gifted older brother so it was hard for me to think of myself as gifted). My oldest two are still very competitive in many areas, but they've accepted to not be competitive in academics. They also realize that the path doesn't always say much about where you'll end up. (One child was reading at 3, the other not until after 6. Yet, they both ended up on the same reading level by their 7th b-days). They are both gifted - but in very different ways. In the situation of one child not being gifted, you can still play up the strengths. We're not all gifted - but we all have strengths.

 

*Agree with prepare to not do the same thing with them. I asked my kids if they would like to do social studies and science together and they both refused. When they were ready for cursive- which was 1st grade for my daughter and 4th for my older son, it was at the exact same time. My daughter got the HWT 3rd grade cursive book. And though my oldest had never had cursive and fine motor skills has been a struggle for him for a while, he wanted the 4th grade cursive book. It was important to him that he didn't have the same one. Both kids did very well with them. Both really were on the exact same level, but it was important for my oldest to have the perception that he was ahead.

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Just wanted to add to try not to pigeon-hole them by interest or ability. If one is a particularly good dancer, say, and one is particularly strong in Chemistry, don't call one your dancer and one your chemist--because the subtle message is that our interests define us. So, a child who is wanting to try dance (for example) but it is his sister's "thing" may feel discouraged. Or, if interest wanes, a sense of loss of one's identity can happen, esp in a teen.

 

YMMV--just my experience.

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I realize now that my post could have been taken that way.^^^ I agree not to label. But there's a way to play up strengths without doing that. Like, my older brother could memorize quite well if he paid attention. I couldn't - but I knew I was a hard worker and had the focus needed to do well. One of my strengths was persistance. I don't think that's really labelling me for my parents to note that I was good at not giving up. My oldest doesn't have great memorization for random facts - but given the reasons why and the background, he can memorize well. He knows his path is different than his sister's - and that's okay! They do sometimes end up in the same place and sometimes not. But they use their individual strengths along the way.

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Saying this gently, I think you're worrying about this issue far too soon -- especially since there is a 4 year age-gap between your children AND your 6 year-old is working one-two grade levels ahead already. While it's possible that when your 2 year-old is 6 she may be doing 3rd grade math and 2nd grade reading, will it even matter then with the age gap? My brother and I are 3 years apart and he was always much smarter than me, but with the age gap it didn't matter. All children have their strengths and weaknesses. Even in the unlikely event that your youngest DOES fly through 4+ years of curriculum to beat your oldest, it's doubtful that will happen in ALL subjects.

 

Relax, Mama. :001_smile:

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Just wanted to add to try not to pigeon-hole them by interest or ability. If one is a particularly good dancer, say, and one is particularly strong in Chemistry, don't call one your dancer and one your chemist--because the subtle message is that our interests define us. So, a child who is wanting to try dance (for example) but it is his sister's "thing" may feel discouraged. Or, if interest wanes, a sense of loss of one's identity can happen, esp in a teen.

 

YMMV--just my experience.

 

 

Thanks for the reminder. I try to be conscientious of this, but it still somehow gets into their minds.

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I haven't gotten to read everyone's responses yet. It's been a busy day! But I wanted to thank everyone so far for responding with such clear and gentle words!

 

I'm so glad I posted this question! I KNEW the Hive would be full of good advice and experience!

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Saying this gently, I think you're worrying about this issue far too soon -- especially since there is a 4 year age-gap between your children AND your 6 year-old is working one-two grade levels ahead already. While it's possible that when your 2 year-old is 6 she may be doing 3rd grade math and 2nd grade reading, will it even matter then with the age gap? My brother and I are 3 years apart and he was always much smarter than me, but with the age gap it didn't matter. All children have their strengths and weaknesses. Even in the unlikely event that your youngest DOES fly through 4+ years of curriculum to beat your oldest, it's doubtful that will happen in ALL subjects.

 

Relax, Mama. :001_smile:

 

 

:iagree:

 

My mom would call what you and your husband are doing, "buying trouble." I'd recommend against it. Trouble will find you soon enough.

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