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My daughter is pugnacious & stinky.


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The odor wafting from her reeks of dirty clothing, old lady stale urine, dirty belly button, and a perfume floral smell.

 

What is my responsibility here? Any reminder from me starts a whole new chapter of her vs. me.

 

Is our relationship more important than her cleanliness? Do I let it go and know that peer humiliation will correct it someday?

 

Or should I launch a World War to get her to clean up her act and who cares about her relationship with me.

 

DH drove her home from an activity this week and he told me to do something about her BO. He had to crack the window in the middle of the winter because the smell was overwhelming in his car.

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How old is she?

 

Personally, I don't think I could let it go and wait for peer humiliation to correct it.

 

This sounds like a recent episode of Parenthood, actually! The character (a boy with Asperger's) suddenly had B.O. as he was entering puberty and felt it ridiculous to shower everyday, since he liked his weekly shower. I think they used a lot of Skittles to bribe him into showering every day.

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How old is your daughter? My DS is 11 and is smelly, he took a shower before bed last night, and has not gotten hot since then, he does however smell a little like a wet dog, and has a lovely attitude to match.

 

Dh took him to target a couple months ago and they picked out his very own shampoo, body wash, deodorant, and some nice wicking type boxers to help with sweat and funk. I do force him to shower, brush his teeth and give me his dirty clothes each night. Otherwise it would rarely happen, and he would get out of the tub and put on the same dirty clothes!

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And remember to be specific when spelling out the hygiene protocol. For a while I was telling my son to please rinse off as he smelled so terribly, yet after a shower he still wasn't that nice smell-wise. Finally, I found out that he thought rinse off literally meant to just jump in naked and let the water rinse over you. Things got better quicker once I explained exactly what a shower or "rinsing off" entailed - in detail!

 

Boys....gotta love 'em!

 

Myra

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Until my kids could reliably remember on their own to perform proper hygiene I felt it was my responsibility to do so. ANything else is neglect imo. I don't care if it started WW3 (and sometimes it did) a person should not be so dirty that they smell that bad. Oldest ds a couple times had it out with me. I put him in the shower (mind you he was 13 and over 100 lbs it was no easy task), clothes and all and said that if was not going to take the time to shower and change his clothes so they can be laundered he could wash them on his body. The second time I did that he knew I meant business. Generally now a reminder of ripeness is all it takes, though he is less likely to willingly change clothes (especially socks), or shower than the other kids. I remind and then I punish. I also take the dirty clothes out of the rooms and wash them while they sleep so that he can not just wake up and put on any dirty thing, his favorites are clean at the foot of the bed ready for him. He is my most quirky boy with the most sensory issues but it is important. BEtween his job and cadets he knows he has an obligation, so if general health and societal responsibility isn't enough I just remind him of the requirements of proper hygiene for both places. WHen he realizes his options are shower or get fired, he gets clean. Or shower or get kicked out of cadets, again he choses the shower. Without those it becomes shower/change or no fieldtrip/sleepover/videogames or whatever.

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And remember to be specific when spelling out the hygiene protocol. For a while I was telling my son to please rinse off as he smelled so terribly, yet after a shower he still wasn't that nice smell-wise. Finally, I found out that he thought rinse off literally meant to just jump in naked and let the water rinse over you. Things got better quicker once I explained exactly what a shower or "rinsing off" entailed - in detail!

 

Boys....gotta love 'em!

 

Myra

 

I'm so glad mine isn't the only one!!!! Same thing happened to us this past summer. Seriously, he would actually just rinse off!

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I think there is a time for letting the social consequences fit the crime, but unless your child is a mid-to-older teen I don't think that day has come.

 

Late elementary school through junior high is when you have schedules and model good habits. As someone who's mother did not do that (she just stopped doing baths in early grade school and left us on our own) I had a hard, hard time developing my own habits. I did, but they're not automatic like everyone else. I have to plan it, like most people plan having their oil changed or washing their kitchen floor.

 

I really wish my mom had stuck with us through good hygiene habits. It really embarrassed me through junior high when I just hadn't developed the memory/habit. Its not that I was batheing adverse, but I was just so spacey at that age.

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And remember to be specific when spelling out the hygiene protocol. For a while I was telling my son to please rinse off as he smelled so terribly, yet after a shower he still wasn't that nice smell-wise. Finally, I found out that he thought rinse off literally meant to just jump in naked and let the water rinse over you. Things got better quicker once I explained exactly what a shower or "rinsing off" entailed - in detail!

 

Boys....gotta love 'em!

 

Myra

 

 

Similar experience here. Husband had to supervise one son's shower to reteach him how to get clean. He was just kind of laying the shampoo on his hair rather than rubbing it in. He'd just forgotten how. The other son was using the body wash on his hair. Don't they read?

 

Laura

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I have declared 2013 to be The Year of the Good, Quick Shower.

 

I just cannot believe I have to remind an 11-year-old to use soap. Thankfully, he is getting better - and is also getting better at showers that last fewer than 25 minutes. But, ugh, I did not expect this particular stretch of the road to be so arduous!

 

I think how you handle your DD depends on her age. And didn't your DH tell her why he had to crack the window?! That could have gone a long way to waking her up so she can realize it isn't just you.

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Starting at about 11, I made my son take a shower every day. Honestly, he could have gotten away with an every other day shower, but he is the type that needed to form a daily habit or he would have always fought me. He did fight me some in the beginning, but once he saw I was serious and it was non-negotiable, he just started doing it. Now, he is 13 and automatically takes a shower first thing every morning.

 

Sometimes he doesn't wash as well as he should or wears a shirt too many times, but that I can deal with. Most of the time he's pretty responsible about being clean. He even sings in the shower. :laugh:

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We dealt with it by saying that being showered, de-stinked and clean clothes were a requirement before the kids left the house for an activity. Get cleaned up or you don't go.

 

When my one shower-hater was younger, the above hygiene items were also required before he got any computer or electronics time. He still doesn't like showers, but is old enough to realize that smelling bad is not good.....

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Thats nasty in every way. I will never understand parents who refuse to make your kid take a shower. I don't care how old they are that is just nasty. Letting your kid be that dirty that they stink that bad is neglect. They are kids they need an adults guidance and if the adult is not gonna parent the child then they are the ones at fault and in my opinion just plain lazy.

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The odor wafting from her reeks of dirty clothing, old lady stale urine, dirty belly button, and a perfume floral smell.

 

What is my responsibility here? Any reminder from me starts a whole new chapter of her vs. me.

 

Is our relationship more important than her cleanliness? Do I let it go and know that peer humiliation will correct it someday?

 

Or should I launch a World War to get her to clean up her act and who cares about her relationship with me.

 

DH drove her home from an activity this week and he told me to do something about her BO. He had to crack the window in the middle of the winter because the smell was overwhelming in his car.

 

 

Your responsibility is to get your daughter in a good habit of good personal hygiene. I'm assuming she's still a minor in which case, she's still your responsibility.

 

Launch World War 3 rather than the peer humiliation. Someday she'll thank you for not letting her run around smelling of dirty clothing, old lady stale urine, dirty belly button, masked by perfume.

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Be kind.

Reboot.

Wash all of her clothes for her, to give her a fresh start, even if she is normally expected to do it on her own. Don't make a big deal about it.

Reteach the basics of showering. Yes, they do need a refresher course now and again.

Make sure you have a system for clothes to make it into the laundry pile.

Discuss the difference between cleaning something and covering up uncleanliness with perfume (which doesn't work).

Gently inquire into the urine smell, because that could signal some kind of physical problem.

Take her out to purchase some girly products. Make sure she likes the smell of them.

Make sure you have a system for her to store her products where she can easily use them.

Have patience. Act with humor and love. Do not respond to, or take personally, any eye-rolling or sassy remarks.

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It's totally your responsibility.

 

You need to teach her the basics of hygiene, and how when the body goes through changes, things happen. Smells start. If she wants to wear the same clothes day after day, and only those clothes, you have to wash them in the laundry when she goes to sleep.

 

If you see a battle brewing over this, then pick a middle ground...like "I know you hate bathing, but you must bathe, with soap, every other day and that is part of your personal chore list." Heck, tell her you'll give her school credit for it, showering 101. She might not know as much as you think she does about cleaning herself as well. There is all sorts of stuff I didn't know for a long time as no one told me. I sort of had to figure it out.

 

With my 14 & 12 year old, they must take showers every other day...I even write it on the calendar. If they get too stinky, then they are told to take one immediately.

 

Good luck!

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We handle it by gagging, making choking/dying noises, and saying something like, "OMG, you Reek! Go take a shower! Now!". And refusing any other conversation or protests by refusing to speak to them again until they are clean. :D In other words, we're just blunt, and it's not negotiable.

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You guys are funny . . . and scary. I have the opposite problem. My 16-year-old is obsessive about her personal hygiene. I don't know WHY it takes her so long to shower. She doesn't even weigh 100 lbs! There's not much to wash. I swear the room smells better once she walks through it. "Do I smell grapefruit?" Nope, just my daughter.

 

My SON however is completely disinterested. He's 12. He doesn't have B.O. yet, but one day soon it will smack us in the face and not be pretty. It may kill his sister.

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Someone posted about the rewiring that happens during puberty a long time ago (3 or 4 Years) and a friend gave me really good advice about this growing period. Knowing that the kids are growing a lot, their brains are rewiring and the side effect is spaciness is really helpful in being patient. It does seem ridiculous to retrain an older child to take a bath, but repetition is the mother of retention. Discipline is training a child in the way they should go. FWIW, I am supervising my youngest in proper washing, noticed my middle wasn't getting all the soap out of his hair so we had a lesson on how to take a shower/bath.

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My son would start stinking, at 12-13 years old, and I would tell dh- make him get in the shower!! Ds would get in the shower (not sure what was going on in there) and he'd come out if the bathroom with wet hair, wet towels, and the exact same clothes on that he wore going in. Same shirt, same shorts, same underwear and same socks!!

 

Tell dh again, OMG! Tell him he has to put on CLEAN clothes after a shower! Ds argued a bit with dh, but dh wasn't backing down and ds finally agreed. Took a few times of this scenario repeating itself, until...there was a pretty girl at school. And BAM! Ds is always clean and well-groomed now!

 

Now if only we could do something about the smell of his shoes...

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Cleanliness is non-negotiable. Yes, we have been through the battles - nasty, bitter battles. I assured dd that I could outlast her on this one - her choice was to be miserable every day and waste time arguing over showering and deodorant and teeth, or to just do it and enjoy the rest of the day. She is getting into the routine now, and it is a little easier, but I still have to remind and insist most days.

 

I see my job as raising my children to go out into the world. Being clean is on the same list as being kind and honest.

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When my 12 yr old refused to take a shower when she was around 10 I turned on the shower and picked her up, clothes and all and put her in the shower, it wasn't pretty but the child stank and had refused for I think it was over a week (I want to say 2 weeks but its been awhile). It was ugly but it ended a lot of bath power struggles when she realized she would get a bath whether she cooperated or not. After that we started issuing coins redeemable for various things and a shower was worth big points lol.

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Shes 12, 175lbs, and taller than I. Yes that's another issue, her weight. But her ped knows how active she is - swim team, 3-4 hrs per week- and that we eat healthy so they've said not to worry.

 

We've bought her products she picks out with help. I wash her clothing so i can add a touch of bleach to help with the lingering smell. Shes really hard on her belongings and the stuff is quickly wrecked. I have a spray can aerosol i can lend her until we can get to the store again. But the budget can't keep up with all the replacements, really.

 

Shes not the only kid so i can't halt their activites until she can get clean. My whole posse rolls with me all the time. And I can't trust her to leave her home alone yet.

 

Yup I' m a bad mum because I can't reason with her, bully her, or just plain make her do it.

 

When she was little we did put her in, and teach her how to clean herself. Lots of time!

 

 

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He had to crack the window in the middle of the winter because the smell was overwhelming in his car.

 

 

It is the responsibility of each individual to make sure that their odor doesn't infringe on the people around them. (Excluding unforeseen or uncontrollable circumstances, like medical conditions or broken plumbing.)

 

It is your responsibility as a parent to make sure your child learns this and develops good hygiene habits.

 

I agree wholeheartedly with the posters who suggest being gentle and kind, but stand firm on this issue. Good hygiene isn't negotiable. (I have used those very words with more than one of my children, by the way. :D ) For now, come alongside her and help as much as you need to. Remind her to shower. Show her specifically step-by-step what a "real" shower means to you if needed. Choose a laundry day and walk her through doing her laundry for as long as she needs you to, or do her laundry for her until she's got the rest of her hygiene skills mastered. Give her lots of choices: Kind of shampoo, bar soap or body wash, maybe even buy her a couple new towels in her favorite color. Reward small steps, and be patient if they're smaller than you'd like.

 

I, too, am concerned about the urine smell. You might investigate this further, just to rule out something physical.

 

Cat

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Shes 12, 175lbs, and taller than I. Yes that's another issue, her weight. But her ped knows how active she is - swim team, 3-4 hrs per week- and that we eat healthy so they've said not to worry.

 

We've bought her products she picks out with help. I wash her clothing so i can add a touch of bleach to help with the lingering smell. Shes really hard on her belongings and the stuff is quickly wrecked. I have a spray can aerosol i can lend her until we can get to the store again. But the budget can't keep up with all the replacements, really.

 

Shes not the only kid so i can't halt their activites until she can get clean. My whole posse rolls with me all the time. And I can't trust her to leave her home alone yet.

 

Yup I' m a bad mum because I can't reason with her, bully her, or just plain make her do it.

 

When she was little we did put her in, and teach her how to clean herself. Lots of time!

 

 

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The odor wafting from her reeks of dirty clothing, old lady stale urine, dirty belly button, and a perfume floral smell.

 

What is my responsibility here? Any reminder from me starts a whole new chapter of her vs. me.

 

Is our relationship more important than her cleanliness? Do I let it go and know that peer humiliation will correct it someday?

 

Or should I launch a World War to get her to clean up her act and who cares about her relationship with me.

 

DH drove her home from an activity this week and he told me to do something about her BO. He had to crack the window in the middle of the winter because the smell was overwhelming in his car.

 

 

What is my responsibility here?

Any reminder from me starts a whole new chapter of her vs. me.

 

That reflection is only a symptom of her age. That's her deal to grow out of and quite normal for a teen don't you think?

 

Is our relationship more important than her cleanliness?

I think this is just venting on your part. Realize too that the issue of "relationship" is going farther than a two way channel of mother to daughter. It's the entire family and social network that is impacted, not to mention some basic health aspects.

 

Do I let it go and know that peer humiliation will correct it someday?

Pretty sure this is just frustration speaking again.

 

Or should I launch a World War to get her to clean up her act and who cares about her relationship with me.

It's not an either/or - black and white deal here.

 

Sitting down very, very formally with your family and talking out loud about it might be helpful here. You might find areas that you could take action as a mother, caretaker and support for her that she needs.

 

Every night, clean bedding.

Special trips for shopping for just her...oily skin products, her own set of linens, shopping for clothes that are more breathable to prevent sweat and odor, subscriptions to health magazines appropriate for her concerns, a trip to the library for ideas on personal grooming.

 

These are all very concrete things.

 

In a more abstract way, instilling a sense of personal standards of overall grooming and appearance...in the more emotional/developmental sense, placing some importance on it and value under her control could be helpful too.

 

Let her pick out dates on a calendar for regular visits to the hairdresser, get her nails manicured once in a while, things like that help to hand over the reins a bit you know?

 

Don't be frustrated and angry and see this as a relationship conflict until you've really stepped up and done your part as a mother, as part of the family and her guide.

 

If you really feel like you are at the end of your rope with it, a single visit with a counselor or her pediatrician might be useful. Sometimes kids, especially preteens/teens cannot hear you at all and need that third party to step in and work as a translator.

 

There's no reason your home and family have to go through a war zone with this. Where you see agony, there is a chance for deeper bonding and strengths your skills as her mother.

 

Stop being mad about it and go DO something.

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I don't think you're a bad mum. I'm surprised she has offensive BO with all that swimming. But i know some people have stronger body odor than others.

 

Does she shower after swim practice?

 

Does she put her wet feet into shoes or sneakers? That is a brutal smell after a while. And I am a person who likes the smell of sweaty bodies! Clean sweat and hockey players sweat.

 

ok, now i'm babbling.

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I would cut her activities. Of she cannot handle hygiene, she does not go to activities what others are involved.

 

If you don't feel she can stay home alone, she SOTW in the car at sibling activities. Or she sits outside. My 7 year old has missed activities for refusal to bathe.

 

Are their other privileges she can loose? TV, computer, phone?

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I'm not there yet, why do they not want to bathe? Is it all of the sudden, they don't mind bathing, then one day they decide it's not for them? Is this something else I have to look forward to :/?

 

 

That's the way it worked with one of my kids. My dd has always loved to take baths, and she transitioned to showers with no problem. She usually takes one every day.

 

My ds, though....when he hit puberty he decided showers were his enemy. Bad timing! :ohmy: When I would tell him to shower, he'd stomp off like he was being punished. Every. single. day. Now, at 15, he's finally accepting his fate. He showers right when he gets home from school, then grabs a snack and starts on his homework. He'll still try and get out of it on weekends, but there's hope!!

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Wow. I'm kinda surprised at the judgmental comments, especially about you being lazy??? We all have battles to pick.

 

Of course you think it's important and you are obviously frustrated. Does she own The Care and Keeping of You? That is an excellent book for preadolescent girls with lots of self-care tips.

 

What about taking her to get her hair cut and getting some advice on shampooing from the stylist? Or you could just do a once a week spa night with all the kids- baths, hair-do's, nail polish, etc. You could use it as a time to teach and reteach those skills.

 

Someone mentioned her swimming, which could actually totally explain the "urine" smell- maybe it's old wet towels and clothes? Could she use a reminder to shower after swimming, then a good waterproof bag for any wet items? Flip flops instead of sneakers are essential. She could even wear the slipper style with socks if it is cold.

 

Good luck. Mine are only 10 and I already know I'm going to be helping one for a lonnnnnng time. I have to keep her on a strict routine and constantly remind her what brushed hair actually looks like. Tea Tree Oil Shampoo from Trader Joe's helps when she's going through an especially greasy time!

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Shes 12, 175lbs, and taller than I. Yes that's another issue, her weight. But her ped knows how active she is - swim team, 3-4 hrs per week- and that we eat healthy so they've said not to worry.

 

We've bought her products she picks out with help. I wash her clothing so i can add a touch of bleach to help with the lingering smell. Shes really hard on her belongings and the stuff is quickly wrecked. I have a spray can aerosol i can lend her until we can get to the store again. But the budget can't keep up with all the replacements, really.

 

Shes not the only kid so i can't halt their activites until she can get clean. My whole posse rolls with me all the time. And I can't trust her to leave her home alone yet.

 

Yup I' m a bad mum because I can't reason with her, bully her, or just plain make her do it.

 

When she was little we did put her in, and teach her how to clean herself. Lots of time!

Just because she has to go with you doesn't mean she has to participate in the activity. Have you considered suspending swim team until she learns to take proper care of herself?

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Just another person asking how old is she? Are you having any other problems other than this one with her? I just mention that because the level and type of smelliness you describe sounds like there may be a more serious problem with her but without knowing her age and if she is having any other problems, it is hard to know what to advise.

 

WIth any kid, I would refuse to let them go anywhere without clean enough clothes and proper grooming. Yes, it did cause some verbal battles with some of mine, when they were around 9 or 10 or so. Once they each realized we were serious, they backed down and started doing the job, albeit reluctantly.

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Of course you're not a bad mum.

 

Can you set up a reward system for her?

 

Cat

 

 

I knew someone who finally stopped wetting his bed when his family offered him X amount of money for each dry night. He was 12 and it worked!!!!

 

Can you pay her to shower? If the smell is that bad, I'd be wild for a fix.

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We have a rule in my house. Smelly boys don't get fed. They know this rule and they know that I will not sit at a table with a child that offends. They can go take a shower and come back to join us when they smell better. And we will not wait.

However, I have only had to enforce this one time. My boys take showers every day, sometimes twice in the summer or when they are very active. I have never limited showers (although I do limit time).

My boys also understand that once they hit puberty head on, I will demand more than one shower a day. It is no secret in this house that I have an overactive nose. I can not tolerate bad smells.

OP, this wouldn't be a power struggle for us. I can see how it might be for others though. My boys know if they want to eat, no stink.

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I wouldn't leave it up to peers to shame her. I would take her to the body shop or similar specialty shop of specific smells for bath collections. Ask her what's her favorite scent because she's getting her own personality and style. Get specific with scents. Buy her a nice bathrobe, slippers and shower cap.

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When my oldest was 12 she did not want to bathe, but she wanted to be considered clean. We used to really go around about things but I would "help" her clean her room and I would get rid of things that were nasty, or would never clean up. Probably your biggest problem is her sheets and pillowcases. When she is at swim you can go in her room and start washing things, and if she gets mad she gets mad. I bet that by keeping her room and her clothes clean you can make a big difference even if she isn't pine fresh.

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Eventually it will swing the other way. Then you'll never get in the bathroom.

 

My brother would get up and shower to go to work. He'd spend a ton of time on his hair. You'd think great right? He worked for a landscaper. They'd come home and leave a ring around the pool they were so filthy at the end of the day. I'd be banging on the bathroom door telling him to hurry up and get out of my hair gel so he could go mow lawns and run a leaf blower.

 

Of course he and his hs gf would get up, shower, spend a ton of time of late 80's/early90's hair just to go sit on the beach. On the sand. In the wind. With ocean spray.

 

And those were only the first showers. There was also the off the beach/ home from work showers. Plus the going out for the night, gotta fix my hair showers. Often followed by the everyone was smoking and I smell like beer so I need to take a shower before my mother smells me in the morning and busts me shower.

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