When adoption stories aren't pretty ...

[Spryte]

How do you talk to your kids about them?

 

DS's story is one of the almost-too-good-to-be-true stories. Open adoption, so he can verify it all with birth family. We are all close, and his story has been told and retold so many times he can tell it himself. He's read adoption books all his life (various children's books, they stay on the shelf along with his other books), and we've told his story to him since he was too small to respond. We did that so he will always "know" and there is no moment of "finding out." He's 9 now, and his level of confidence and security attest to the value of this.

 

DD's story is harder to tell, and I've not found a comfortable way to tell it to her. It's not a pretty story. She's 20 mos now, and I still have not found a comfortable middle ground. I know she needs to hear her story, on an age appropriate level. I just can't seem to choke out the right words. Her story is so painful.

 

So... Adoptive mamas out there... What do you do when their story isn't pretty? How do *you* create a healthy self image? How do you talk to your littles about adoption?

[NotSoObvious]

Always age appropriate, but always the truth.

 

I've found that they'll ask more questions as they a ready for the answers, because they know I am always willing to talk with them.

 

Making an adoption story book was super helpful when they were 5. They still look through it. I think they like the five year old version of the story best. :) it's not so messy.

[Heather in Neverland]

Well, two of mine are adopted but they are both international adoptions and we know very little about their "stories". The case for both of them is that their birth mothers were young and poor and unable to take care of them and they wanted them to have a better life.

 

I tell my 8yo that his father and I prayed and prayed for a little boy just like him and at the same time his birth mother was praying for a nice couple just like us and that God knew we would be the perfect fit. My children are taught from the cradle that God is always in control and it was His will for us to be a family.

 

Maybe their birth moms have a darker story that we don't know about but even if they did, I probably wouldn't tell them until they were older and could understand better.

[Spryte]

Always age appropriate, but always the truth.

 

I've found that they'll ask more questions as they a ready for the answers, because they know I am always willing to talk with them.

 

Making an adoption story book was super helpful when they were 5. They still look through it. I think they like the five year old version of the story best. :) it's not so messy.

 

Thanks. :) So, do I just start out with the very basics of her adoption story, and expand from there, as time goes on? I think I'm stumped on what to share *when* ... if that makes sense? I want her to know her story, but the messy parts... I want to shield her from them, too. Ugh. This isn't making sense. What we learned in our classes just doesn't cover this!

 

I think a book is a great idea, and have been meaning to do that for both kids. Maybe I'll make that the spring project. Doing so might help solidify the words to use when talking to DD about her adoption now, too.

[Spryte]

Well, two of mine are adopted but they are both international adoptions and we know very little about their "stories". The case for both of them is that their birth mothers were young and poor and unable to take care of them and they wanted them to have a better life.

 

I tell my 8yo that his father and I prayed and prayed for a little boy just like him and at the same time his birth mother was praying for a nice couple just like us and that God knew we would be the perfect fit. My children are taught from the cradle that God is always in control and it was His will for us to be a family.

 

Maybe their birth moms have a darker story that we don't know about but even if they did, I probably wouldn't tell them until they were older and could understand better.

 

Thanks so much! Gosh, sometimes i wish we didn't know the darker part of the story. Balancing that part is so hard sometimes, though I wouldn't change anything about our DD's life with us.

[SKL]

I would stick with "couldn't take care of a baby at that time" until the child is old enough to seek more details. Slowly I'd introduce how being poor / alone / unwell factored in (if any of those were factors in your child's case).

 

I have the luxury of not knowing for sure whether there are darker parts to the story. But someday, I know my kids will realize that there's a possibility their birth mom was involved in x, y, or z. I don't deny it, I just leave it open.

[Tap]

For us we just keep it simple and leave out details until she is ready to ask. dd6 is my great niece and came to us at 5mo. i tell her that her biomom and dad love her but just couldnt take care of her like a baby needs taking care of. I tell he that they tried very hard to keep the family together but it was just too hard for them.

 

She wasnt abused since she was taken by the state at birth. Her parents basically walked away and left her with us as foster parents. The mom -my niece lives about 30 min from us and doesnt have any interest in her daughter. The dad sees her a couple times a year. He lives six hours away. I leave out that they chose drugs and video games ocer her. Her story isnt horrific but it is still a sad one because the parents easily could have got her back and they chose to walk away instead..... Then biomom had another baby a year later. Instead of doing what she needed to do to get this one back, she just had another.

[Spryte]

I would stick with "couldn't take care of a baby at that time" until the child is old enough to seek more details. Slowly I'd introduce how being poor / alone / unwell factored in (if any of those were factors in your child's case).

 

I think that's a good plan. Now I just have to get past the sticky feeling in my throat, my own discomfort, to talk about it the way I should. :)

 

Thanks!

[Spryte]

For us we just keep it simple and leave out details until she is ready to ask. dd6 is my great niece and came to us at 5mo. i tell her that her biomom and dad love her but just couldnt take care of her like a baby needs taking care of. I tell he that they tried very hard to keep the family together but it was just too hard for them.

 

Thanks, Tap. It helps to hear other stories, so thanks for sharing yours. There are some similarities in ours, I think, though DD's gets a bit more complicated than your DD's, there's more "mess" to navigate. [sigh]

 

So I think I've been over-thinking this a bit (as usual), and for now, I just need to get the words out, keep it simple, and stick with the bare basics. I think I've worried that DD will someday think we deliberately omitted something, but honestly, that's thinking way too far ahead, and she's only 20 mos, for goodness sake! We are very open, so clearly talking as she asks questions later will be a given.

 

Any more thoughts or experiences are very welcome. It helps a lot. Thanks!

[SKL]

For us we just keep it simple and leave out details until she is ready to ask. dd6 is my great niece and came to us at 5mo. i tell her that her biomom and dad love her but just couldnt take care of her like a baby needs taking care of. I tell he that they tried very hard to keep the family together but it was just too hard for them.

 

She wasnt abused since she was taken by the state at birth. Her parents basically walked away and left her with us as foster parents. The mom -my niece lives about 30 min from us and doesnt have any interest in her daughter. The dad sees her a couple times a year. He lives six hours away. I leave out that they chose drugs and video games ocer her. Her story isnt horrific but it is still a sad one because the parents easily could have got her back and they chose to walk away instead..... Then biomom had another baby a year later. Instead of doing what she needed to do to get this one back, she just had another.

 

To put a positive spin on this, it is good for baby to have a stable long-term family, with as few disruptions as possible. Birth mom knew that baby was in a good place and didn't want to disrupt that or cause confusion while she was young.

 

It's hard. We know they will experience hurt as they process their stories, no matter what. :(

[Clarkd]

Our children were adopted from foster care. We do many of the things listed above. Your birth parents loved you. They had things they needed to work on. You came to live with us. Then, later, we adopted you. We are so happy you are our forever family. We answer any questions they ask honestly and gently.

We are lucky that the social workers and birth family agreed to take pictures during some visits. Pictures really help to add to the conversation. This is your birth mom. Look how beautiful she looks in this picture. Her x looks just like your x. You are x months/years old in this picture. She is x years old here and was living in x. This picture was taken during x event.

We have pictures of them with their birth parents in albums in their rooms. We do plan to tell as much as they are ready for as they get older. We have their case notes and will share those with them when they are much older and ready as they can be. We also agreed that we will help them contact their birth parents when they are adults, if they choose to make contact. It is all on their terms.

We write updates to the birth families and have the kids write/draw something too. We read the updates to the kids and they can provide whatever edits they want before we send them. We keep copies of the updates for the kids and attempt to get them to the families as best we can. We have learned not to write these close to holidays as it seems too hard for the kids. We do it on just an average day, with no anniversary or holiday in mind. As they get older they will be more in charge of their own writing to their birth families, with certain safety guidelines in place. HTH.

[nono]

I think I've worried that DD will someday think we deliberately omitted something, but honestly, that's thinking way too far ahead, and she's only 20 mos, for goodness sake! We are very open, so clearly talking as she asks questions later will be a given.

 

Any more thoughts or experiences are very welcome. It helps a lot. Thanks!

 

 

So, one thing I try to do is not have a "pat" story down. Both of my children hear variations of their stories. This sometimes brings up details previously not discussed. They both recently became aware of birthfathers. That was an interesting conversation stretching over a couple nights.

[Ottakee]

My son has one story and my girls another (they are full siblings).

 

My son came to us at 7 1/2 so he knew his story. We have always been open and answered his questions but didn't paint the bio parents in a bad light Son now has contact with all of his siblings (7 of them) and his bio father. We let him lead the way as to how much contact, when, where, etc. and we have different comfort levels with various family members. Since ds has fetal alcohol and is mentally impaired we have a lot more control but still encourage bio family contact where/when appropriate.

 

The girls have 6 older siblings that just recently they wanted to start trying to find (all older and never knew my girls existed so this will be hard) Older one remembers bits and pieces while younger has no memories. We tried to stick to the basics and answer things honestly but not nec. giving them the ugly details if they aren't needed. My girls were telling a friend the other day that bio mom didn't know how to care for babies (which is true) and that is why they were adopted.

 

Can you also focus more on the story of when you got her, what you did, what she was like, etc?

 

There are lots of things in adoption (esp. foster care adoption) that the books never teach you.

[Spryte]

So, one thing I try to do is not have a "pat" story down. Both of my children hear variations of their stories. This sometimes brings up details previously not discussed. They both recently became aware of birthfathers. That was an interesting conversation stretching over a couple nights.

 

Good point. We do something similar with our oldest... He's heard variations throughout his life, and it's changed with time and age. I imagine whatever we tell our little one will evolve in the same way.

 

Obviously, I have more anxiety about how it will evolve for DD, though. Her story is different, though not unique.

 

Funny, DS has just become aware of his birthfather, too! Must be the age, he is just about 9. And, yes, some interesting conversations have arisen as a result. He's actually been asking about siblings (full or half) today. He knows that DH has siblings he's never met, and he just connected the adoption dots there.

[Spryte]

Double post. Oops!

[Spryte]

 

Can you also focus more on the story of when you got her, what you did, what she was like, etc?

 

There are lots of things in adoption (esp. foster care adoption) that the books never teach you.

 

Those are great ideas. Thanks!

 

And, yes, there sure is a lot that we didn't learn. :)

[Spryte]

Our children were adopted from foster care. We do many of the things listed above. Your birth parents loved you. They had things they needed to work on. You came to live with us. Then, later, we adopted you. We are so happy you are our forever family. We answer any questions they ask honestly and gently.

We are lucky that the social workers and birth family agreed to take pictures during some visits. Pictures really help to add to the conversation. This is your birth mom. Look how beautiful she looks in this picture. Her x looks just like your x. You are x months/years old in this picture. She is x years old here and was living in x. This picture was taken during x event.

We have pictures of them with their birth parents in albums in their rooms. We do plan to tell as much as they are ready for as they get older. We have their case notes and will share those with them when they are much older and ready as they can be. We also agreed that we will help them contact their birth parents when they are adults, if they choose to make contact. It is all on their terms.

We write updates to the birth families and have the kids write/draw something too. We read the updates to the kids and they can provide whatever edits they want before we send them. We keep copies of the updates for the kids and attempt to get them to the families as best we can. We have learned not to write these close to holidays as it seems too hard for the kids. We do it on just an average day, with no anniversary or holiday in mind. As they get older they will be more in charge of their own writing to their birth families, with certain safety guidelines in place. HTH.

 

Thanks for sharing - these are great tips. Doing the updates on average days, not around holidays, makes so much sense. We haven't had to think through that too much with our oldest, as we see his birthfamily often, but our DD's birthfamily prefers to keep things closed, so we have been writing updates. What a great point.

[mom2hunangirls]

In regards to them questioning why the story changes with age we reason this way:

At 9 yrs old you would love to drive a car. I could tell you which is the gas pedal and which is the break. But you wouldn't have the maturity to know all the other aspects of driving that years of living afford you. Just like I won't hand you the keys to a car at 9, I won't give details that I don't think you are ready for. I will never hide your story or refuse a question. And in time, all I know, you will know. It's your story.

 

There are some aspects to my daughter's story that she might not fully get and share details that at 9 seem cool or uninteresting....but years from now could harm her if she shares them willy nilly. I will protect those. When she's old enough to hear and understand she won't want that to be common knowledge among teen girls, I'll tell her.

 

We go question by question. Always answering truthfully, but with details that are age appropriate.

 

Both have heard the beautiful part of their stories from day one. That I prayed endlessly for them. That the day we got them was through-the-roof amazing. That they cried in fear, but soon realized they were loved beyond words. So their foundation has always been positive. And the older has now heard some of the harder stuff and has finally faced some stupid comments from other kids without much of a problem because she knows the good. Not to say she won't have identity issues later or that she doesn't deal with stuff now. But right now, she is confident that more have loved her than not.

[KrissiK]

None of my children's stories are pretty, but one is pretty bad. For her, I have given her the sanitized version. No lies. never lies. but some things left out. One thing you have to ask yourself is, "what is beneficial for her to know and what is not?" And not all truth is beneficial. Really. My dd is only 6. We give our children information about their stories as they become interested and ask. All know they are adopted, so we are not hiding that fact, but some are more interested than others. Oldest ds is very interested. We've had some good talks. Youngest ds is not interested at all. He knows the basics. That's all. That's all he wants. I'm sure when we go to court next month for the little girls, there will be more questions and talks, but we'll wait till that happens. I just try to be very open and willing to talk, but my adoption talks with my kids have always been child initiated and that works for us.

[Lisa in Jax]

I would stick with "couldn't take care of a baby at that time" until the child is old enough to seek more details. Slowly I'd introduce how being poor / alone / unwell factored in (if any of those were factors in your child's case).

 

I have the luxury of not knowing for sure whether there are darker parts to the story. But someday, I know my kids will realize that there's a possibility their birth mom was involved in x, y, or z. I don't deny it, I just leave it open.

 

 

I agree that it's best to stick to basic facts w/o the darker stuff until the child is MUCH older. Also, I might say, "Your birth mom couldn't take care of you when you were born, but she loved you so much that she made sure you were adopted into a home that could give you all the love and care you need," or something like that, if there's any indication that could be true.

 

Our son's pre-adoption story is VERY dark, and there's very little that I can say about his birth mom's treatment of him that is positive. Still, when it came down to it, she allowed him to be placed in an orphanage so that he could be adopted. I focus on that. She loved him enough to allow him to be adopted by people who love and care for him.

 

Years ago, I heard a radio talk show psychologist say s/th like, "What GOOD will come of telling that story/secret? If nothing good can come of it, don't share it." I think that's a good way to determine what to share and what not to share with a *child.* When they're adults, they deserve to know. When they're children, I wouldn't share the darkest, most intense facts.

 

It's hard enough not being raised by your birth parents. Kids don't need the additional burden of the darker stuff until they're old enough to process it -- IMHO, in late teens or adulthood.

 

HIH,

 

Lisa

[Spryte]

In regards to them questioning why the story changes with age we reason this way:

At 9 yrs old you would love to drive a car. I could tell you which is the gas pedal and which is the break. But you wouldn't have the maturity to know all the other aspects of driving that years of living afford you. Just like I won't hand you the keys to a car at 9, I won't give details that I don't think you are ready for. I will never hide your story or refuse a question. And in time, all I know, you will know. It's your story.

 

There are some aspects to my daughter's story that she might not fully get and share details that at 9 seem cool or uninteresting....but years from now could harm her if she shares them willy nilly. I will protect those. When she's old enough to hear and understand she won't want that to be common knowledge among teen girls, I'll tell her.

 

We go question by question. Always answering truthfully, but with details that are age appropriate.

 

Both have heard the beautiful part of their stories from day one. That I prayed endlessly for them. That the day we got them was through-the-roof amazing. That they cried in fear, but soon realized they were loved beyond words. So their foundation has always been positive. And the older has now heard some of the harder stuff and has finally faced some stupid comments from other kids without much of a problem because she knows the good. Not to say she won't have identity issues later or that she doesn't deal with stuff now. But right now, she is confident that more have loved her than not.

 

Thank you. Wonderfully articulated.

[Spryte]

 

Years ago, I heard a radio talk show psychologist say s/th like, "What GOOD will come of telling that story/secret? If nothing good can come of it, don't share it." I think that's a good way to determine what to share and what not to share with a *child.* When they're adults, they deserve to know. When they're children, I wouldn't share the darkest, most intense facts.

 

 

Lisa, thanks for all of your thoughts on this, they are so helpful. I was very struck by the above, as I heard a similar comment years ago on a radio talk show (Dr Laura, maybe?) and it resonated. As I have pondered what/when to share about DD's adoption story, that comment has come back to me repeatedly.

[Rebel Yell]

I am 43, and was adopted as an infant. That's pretty much all I know- times were different!

 

My first thoughts were to maybe slow down a bit on all of the good stories of tyour older child. NOT saying stop them, but since you won't have as much info, or as much "good" info, maybe do a little less emphasis on the stories? I'm an only child, but my concern would be if there are hours of great celebration stories over his adoption and just a few minutes of brief detail over hers it *could* make hers seem worse by comparison, KWIM?

 

I am not by any means saying to stop his stories- just be cautious. Of course your younger DD needs to know that everybody;s story is different- even in all-birth families. I don't hide the fact that Diamond had fabulous baby showers and Babybaby got stained ratty hand-me-downs. (bad analogy, I'm sure- but my brain fizzled out- sorry!)

 

Please understand I mean anything I said with love & concern. I'm an old lady from another world as far as adoption goes. I wish I knew more, and sometimes I'm glad I don't. I just know that for me, adoption was never a big deal in my life so keep that in mind as you rwead my answer. :grouphug:

[Tammyla]

:iagree:

 

Well, two of mine are adopted but they are both international adoptions and we know very little about their "stories". The case for both of them is that their birth mothers were young and poor and unable to take care of them and they wanted them to have a better life.

 

I tell my 8yo that his father and I prayed and prayed for a little boy just like him and at the same time his birth mother was praying for a nice couple just like us and that God knew we would be the perfect fit. My children are taught from the cradle that God is always in control and it was His will for us to be a family.

 

Maybe their birth moms have a darker story that we don't know about but even if they did, I probably wouldn't tell them until they were older and could understand better.

 

[Spryte]

I am 43, and was adopted as an infant. That's pretty much all I know- times were different!

 

My first thoughts were to maybe slow down a bit on all of the good stories of tyour older child. NOT saying stop them, but since you won't have as much info, or as much "good" info, maybe do a little less emphasis on the stories? I'm an only child, but my concern would be if there are hours of great celebration stories over his adoption and just a few minutes of brief detail over hers it *could* make hers seem worse by comparison, KWIM?

 

I am not by any means saying to stop his stories- just be cautious. Of course your younger DD needs to know that everybody;s story is different- even in all-birth families. I don't hide the fact that Diamond had fabulous baby showers and Babybaby got stained ratty hand-me-downs. (bad analogy, I'm sure- but my brain fizzled out- sorry!)

 

Please understand I mean anything I said with love & concern. I'm an old lady from another world as far as adoption goes. I wish I knew more, and sometimes I'm glad I don't. I just know that for me, adoption was never a big deal in my life so keep that in mind as you rwead my answer. :grouphug:

 

 

Yes, yes! That was one of our first concerns. You nailed it. Not just that there is info to share, really, but also that we have visits with our older son's birthfamily, and they are essentially a part of our extended family. I have grieved what we don't have with DD's birthfamily, but that's another post. You raise a great point.

 

DH was adopted as an infant, also, and was raised similarly to you. Adoption, to him, was never a big deal either. He's always been very matter of fact about it. His sister had issues with it, but has mostly resolved them. It always amazes me that they were so different, coming from the same background.

[SKL]

My first thoughts were to maybe slow down a bit on all of the good stories of tyour older child. NOT saying stop them, but since you won't have as much info, or as much "good" info, maybe do a little less emphasis on the stories? I'm an only child, but my concern would be if there are hours of great celebration stories over his adoption and just a few minutes of brief detail over hers it *could* make hers seem worse by comparison, KWIM?

 

 

Interesting point. Like the OP, I too have kids (now both 6) from different birth parents. Their histories are mostly the same, yet different. A few weeks ago, we visited their birth country and were able to arrange a visit with one of the foster families. The other foster family had moved and nobody could locate them. I had told my eldest that her foster family was unlikely to come, but she was still massively bummed when that turned out to be the case. Now her sister seems to have a richer history and connection than she. She is also afraid that her place in our current family is less strong (with her sister renewing her bond to foster sisters). All this emotion is despite me not making a big deal out of the foster family visit before or after.

 

Kids look so innocent, yet there is a lot going on inside their heads. "The gears are always turning."

 

I think the important thing is to give the kids space to process and support for their emotions, more than filling in all the info gaps on their adoption. There is plenty of time for that.

 

Though I have heard some folks say it is best to lay it all out up front, so it never seems like a big deal.