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Still Guilty/Ashamed for something 15 years ago


Ipsey
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If she comes back and says all is forgiven and forgotten and you become best friends, it's still up to you to forgive yourself.

 

If she comes back and says absolutely not, you ruined her life and she'll despise you forever, it's still up to you to forgive yourself.

 

Only you can free yourself from the shame and guilt you feel from your past behavior.

 

:grouphug: I hope you can find peace.

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:grouphug:

 

I don't think you have anything to feel guilty or ashamed of. She's still FB friends with the person who should be feeling both guilty and ashamed. I really, really think you should stop apologising. Whatever she thinks or feels about you now is her issue, not yours. I doubt that whatever she tells anyone else about what you did or didn't do will make them think any the less of you. We all make mistakes. Both she and her 'friend' made much bigger mistakes than you did.

 

:grouphug:

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You have done all you can do and are a really good friend for asking her for forgiveness. I tend to retreat and hide when I've done or said something I regretted.

 

Ask God to forgive you, give you peace and be able to move past and forget the conversation.

 

Perhaps you can take her out to lunch and start some new memories with her?

 

I have said some things that I have really regretted when I was younger, I know how it feels. :grouphug:

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You were young, you apologized, and you've done all you can at this point. Please try to forgive yourself, even if she can't/won't.

 

When I was in high school, I confided on my best friend something very similar. She listened but never offered any other support. I don't hold a grudge against her, because I know that she didn't know any better. Similarly, she told me she was bulimic toward the end of our senior year. I listened and tried to be supportive, but I wasn't equipped with the knowledge to get her help at the time. I didn't realize the seriousness of the situation. To my knowledge, she doesn't hate me for being so ignorant at the time.

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I don't really know what to say. It happened to me like that, only it was my own mother in the next room. I was too ashamed to cry out. I didn't tell anyone for a long time because I knew how stupid it sounded. In real life, I think the only person that knows *how* it happened is my husband. I can't recall if when I finally told my mom a year later, I told her that it happened while she was home.

Anyway, I see both sides here. I know where she's coming from, but you need to be able to forgive yourself for your part in this. You've realized your error and apologized, there's not much else you can do, even if she hasn't let go of it.

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I'm so sorry you are carrying that around. I hope you will forgive yourself and be able to let go of the shame. It's serving no purpose in your life. I hope your friend too can let go of the past.

 

I have a friend who 15 years ago told me I was just hormonal and emotional when I told her I thought my husband was abusing me. She told me if I didn't KNOW if it was abuse then it couldn't really be abuse.

 

I'm not angry at her, but I can't bring myself to talk to her much either. However I'd never ever want her to be upset with herself or be beating herself up over what she said. In the end I made my own choices and I'm responsible for my own choices, my decision to stay in the marriage wasn't her fault at all.

 

I hope your friend feels the same way for her own sake... but regardless of how she feels you have to forgive yourself.

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I'm so sorry you are carrying that around. I hope you will forgive yourself and be able to let go of the shame. It's serving no purpose in your life. I hope your friend too can let go of the past.

 

I have a friend who 15 years ago told me I was just hormonal and emotional when I told her I thought my husband was abusing me. She told me if I didn't KNOW if it was abuse then it couldn't really be abuse.

 

I'm not angry at her, but I can't bring myself to talk to her much either. However I'd never ever want her to be upset with herself or be beating herself up over what she said. In the end I made my own choices and I'm responsible for my own choices, my decision to stay in the marriage wasn't her fault at all.

 

I hope your friend feels the same way for her own sake... but regardless of how she feels you have to forgive yourself.

 

 

This. For me it was MIL who didn't believe me/wouldn't allow herself to believe. That will never be a fond memory for me.

 

OTOH, I would not want her carrying around shame for years and years. Learn from it, but do not carry that forever.

 

I want to say something as gently as I can. I read something in your post that as a victim made me feel a bit gicky (sorry I do not have better words) I could be wrong, but it sounded a little like you were *needing* her to forgive you so you could feel better and move on. *Very gently here* That is not her job and would probably be a bit like ripping of the scab if I were in her shoes.

 

It happened. It isn't pretty and it never will be. All you can do is learn and forgive. I would want you to forgive yourself, but I would also want you to give me space.

 

Ipsey, I have known you here for awhile and you are a wonderful person!!!!! This was a mistake, sometimes we cannot fix our mistakes, but it doesn't make us a bad person. It makes us human. ((((((HUGS))))))))))

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Ok, I may get slammed for this...but I think you need to forgive yourself and let it go. I honestly don't see what was wrong with your question. The answers she gave when you asked if she tried to get away and if she said no...IMO warranted you asking.

 

I was in a situation similar to your friend when I was in HS. He wanted it-I didn't, and he knew it. He still pressured and I was too worried about making a scene to put a stop to it. I never said no, and I never tried to get away. Did I regret it? Yes. Was he a jerk and a low life...you betcha! But at no time did *I ever consider it r*pe. For me it was a very important personal lesson to respect myself enough to make a scene.

 

Your friend obviously did consider it rape...but IMO, in her situation there was nothing wrong with the question. It is not like you insisted that she was not r*ped, or that she asked for it.

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You have done all you can do and are a really good friend for asking her for forgiveness. I tend to retreat and hide when I've done or said something I regretted.

 

Ask God to forgive you, give you peace and be able to move past and forget the conversation.

 

Perhaps you can take her out to lunch and start some new memories with her?

 

I have said some things that I have really regretted when I was younger, I know how it feels. :grouphug:

 

 

I asked God for peace about it for years.

I don't actually believe in deities anymore, so that doesn't really ring true.

We live on different continents. . . so I don't imagine we'll have many chances for lunch.

 

I do appreciate your response though.

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This. For me it was MIL who didn't believe me/wouldn't allow herself to believe. That will never be a fond memory for me.

 

OTOH, I would not want her carrying around shame for years and years. Learn from it, but do not carry that forever.

 

I want to say something as gently as I can. I read something in your post that as a victim made me feel a bit gicky (sorry I do not have better words) I could be wrong, but it sounded a little like you were *needing* her to forgive you so you could feel better and move on. *Very gently here* That is not her job and would probably be a bit like ripping of the scab if I were in her shoes.

 

It happened. It isn't pretty and it never will be. All you can do is learn and forgive. I would want you to forgive yourself, but I would also want you to give me space.

 

Ipsey, I have known you here for awhile and you are a wonderful person!!!!! This was a mistake, sometimes we cannot fix our mistakes, but it doesn't make us a bad person. It makes us human. ((((((HUGS))))))))))

 

 

I understand, Juniper.

I don't know that I even need her to forgive me, I just would like to know one way or another. If she hasn't, I plan on putting our relationship totally behind us, if she has, I intend to try to recover and not be pained to tears (as I am right now).

 

I could only give her more space by deleting her as an FB friend. When I do, she friends me back. . . so, I dunnoh.

 

I wish I could get over this.

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I understand, Juniper.

I don't know that I even need her to forgive me, I just would like to know one way or another. If she hasn't, I plan on putting our relationship totally behind us, if she has, I intend to try to recover and not be pained to tears (as I am right now).

 

I could only give her more space by deleting her as an FB friend. When I do, she friends me back. . . so, I dunnoh.

 

I wish I could get over this.

 

 

You are good person, please know that. I think the space issue is more about letting her control how much......if you can.

 

It says a lot that you are struggling with this. I do think talking to someone would be helpful. Sometimes we just need help untangling the knots we tie ourselves in.

 

I also wanted you to know, even though I am a *victim* and have people not stand with me, my hands aren't clean. We all go through life wounding others. I can be humble and sorry, but I cannot fix all the wounds I have caused in the past. This is where I do find my faith (hanging by a thread as it is) comforting. Sometimes I have to let go and let God heal the areas I cannot.

 

You are in my thoughts!

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I hold onto guilt about things from long ago just like you, so I totally get it.

 

And guess what? Your friend needs to get over it. You were both very young, you chose the wrong words for a situation nobody could ever handle perfectly. You apologized. You meant no ill will.

 

She is choosing to hold onto the anger and there is nothing you can do about it. It's unfortunate. I also think you need to just stop contacting her. You've said your peace, she's obviously forgiven her rapist (???). You can't control how she feels.

 

I honestly don't think you did anything wrong and you've already apologized.

 

Let it go. Move on. You can't fix everyone. I've tried.;)

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I think most of us have done/said dumb things in our lives, especially when we were teenagers or young adults. I can think of a few instances off the top of my head that I have been carrying around with me for years.

 

You have to let it go. You didn't know any better back then- do you have teenagers? Have you talked to them? Just being with my teenagers has helped me let go a bit because they are SO young and clueless- I realize that's how I was when I did/said that stuff.

 

I don't think you can hold yourself responsible for things you said/did when you were that young. You didn't kill anyone or commit any crime. Your friend has moved on and seems happy. Let yourself be happy too.

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Ok, I may get slammed for this...but I think you need to forgive yourself and let it go. I honestly don't see what was wrong with your question. The answers she gave when you asked if she tried to get away and if she said no...IMO warranted you asking.

 

I was in a situation similar to your friend when I was in HS. He wanted it-I didn't, and he knew it. He still pressured and I was too worried about making a scene to put a stop to it. I never said no, and I never tried to get away. Did I regret it? Yes. Was he a jerk and a low life...you betcha! But at no time did *I ever consider it r*pe. For me it was a very important personal lesson to respect myself enough to make a scene.

 

Your friend obviously did consider it rape...but IMO, in her situation there was nothing wrong with the question. It is not like you insisted that she was not r*ped, or that she asked for it.

 

I agree. I have been in a similar situation and didn't consider it rape.

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Thanks to all who responded.

It's given me lots to think about, and I think it's already been a little cathartic.

I hope I didn't hurt my friend more by my FB message to her, but. . . whatever comes out, I think I might be able to put this behind me. I hope she's put everything that happened to her behind her.

I swear, this board can be theraputic.

 

Thanks again to _everyone_ who replied, and my special gratitude to those who have suffered similarly from unwanted *contact*, and I hope peace for you all as well.

 

I.

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