s/o What is the worst that could happen if you kick an adult child out?

[Rebecca VA]

Please bear with me -- I'm having a bad week (year...life). I've been reading the thread about sending an 18-year-old out on his own if he refuses to do schoolwork or paid work. I want to say that I agree with the posters who suggest warning the child and then following through if the child does not hold up his end of the bargain.

 

My question is, what is the worst that can happen if an adult child is sent out on his own? If you're fearful that he will harm himself, or do something that is ill-advised (for example, a daughter moving in with a no-good boyfriend), should you keep the child home until he (or she) grows out of his immaturity? Or should you let the chips fall where they may?

 

Does being FORCED to deal with life cause a child to mature? Or is maturity something that unfolds with time, and some people mature much later than others (meaning, you need to protect a late-maturing adult child)?

 

I would greatly appreciate hearing stories -- stories with good endings or bad endings -- about adult children who had to go through this.

[Mommyfaithe]

I don't know...but I sure would like to.

 

I guess it would come down to what is best for the entire family. For us, we have little ones here...so if my big ones were totally messing up and undermining our entire family for whatever the reason, and they were legally an adult....I would feel compelled to give them their own wings.

 

I have always been of the mindset that families should live with one another....but all have to pitch in and be part of the team. Making work and stress for your community is not going to earn you extra brownie points. My deal has always been we are in this together....if you are not, I love you, but you will obviously be happy somewhere else. go and God Bless You!

[Just Another Jen]

Hmmm. That's a loaded question. My 19 year old is in prison because of decisions he made after moving in with a girl. He was 18 years and 1 month when he committed the crime. He knew it all back then. I don't know if there will be a happy ending. Right now things are looking good. And you know, I think that this is something he needed to go through although I would have preferred a easier path. I do know that he had to have a extreme consequence to wake him up.

[Impish]

There's no one answer.

 

Problem is, are you going to allow a family to be held hostage by one member? Give one member a 'free ride' despite whatever negative behaviour, etc, for fear of what might be?

 

It's hard to know what's always the right thing to do...but I honestly find it hard to believe that enabling poor behaviour and immaturity will help in the long run.

 

I mean, I *get* that kids mature at different rates. I don't expect my kids to hit the door at 18. I *do* expect that they will adhere to family rules, etc...and yes, if they refuse to do the basics that are expected of them, then they don't get all the benefits that have been accorded to them.

[catz]

I think it really depends on the kid and the family situation. If a kid is actually suffering from a mental illness, it could be devastating. And I do know families who've been in this situation who've been setting their kids up to fail by years by not truly parenting them and by not developing a relationship with them. I have a 16 year old nephew I'm SO worried about right now. He's already been arrested once. Conversely, there are wonderful families a with an entitled and difficult child, that need a kick in the pants to fly. It's really situational IMO. And I do not have a kid that old, but I do have many adult nieces and nephews who've I've watched grow up.

[Jean in Newcastle]

The people dealing with this are often dealing with things that they do not want to put out on a public forum.

[Night Elf]

I have a story about a friend. Her son graduated high school and didn't want to go to college. He wouldn't hold down a job. She finally kicked him out. And I mean really kicked him out by packing his stuff and putting it out on the lawn. He spent 6 months staying at friend's houses or sleeping in their cars. He'd stay 2 or 3 days and then move on to the next person and continue rotating. Many of these friends still lived with their parents so they wouldn't let him stay too long for one time. Even I took him in for a few days even though I was friends with his mom. Eventually he moved into an apartment with several other people until they got kicked out by the apartment complex for having too many people living there.

 

After another month or so of trying to make it on his own, he finally ended up back at home. He's making more of an effort to keep a job. If he loses one, he immediately finds another. But his plans are to move in with a friend as soon as they can swing the costs. They do not have an immediate plan. He now helps out around the house, babysitting his 3 yr. old brother when his mom asks instead of blowing her off. He does chores around the house. In other words, he's making an effort at becoming more responsible but isn't quite there yet. I'm happy to see him living at home again though. He's only 21 yrs. old and I don't think he's ready to really be out on his own. I'm going to assume he's becoming more responsible because he realized that he couldn't make it on his own and that he didn't like his lifestyle. I tried to talk to him when he was here but he insisted he was fine. I knew the kinds of people he was hanging around though and it worried me. His mom didn't seem to worry as much as I did. She said he would grow up when he really needed to. I guess she was right. But I sure hated watching him go through the lifestyle experience to reach the point where he is now.

 

I don't know if I could do the same thing to one of my kids. I don't know if I would have the strength to do it. It's tough love and I'm a huge wimp. So far I've not had that same problem. It took my older dd 2 extra years to graduate high school but she was holding down a steady job the entire time. She's 20 and has tentative plans to move in with her boyfriend this summer. He lives out of state. I'm not really fond of the idea, but it's her life. I think they'll struggle but then they'll realize they need to find better jobs or get more education to survive. My mom told me I would never stop worrying.

[JFSinIL]

I think that what Night Elf wrote is what we hope will happen if we do have to force a recalcitrant bird from the family nest - that after fluttering around from place to place they will realize that maybe home is a good place to land - and be more cooperative about following house rules, getting a job or staying in school, to keep the privilege of being home in adulthood.

[elfgivas]

everyone has their own worst.

 

is not knowing worst? is them dying worst? is jail time worst? addiction? abuse? is them getting sick/injured and bankrupting the family worst (or putting the family in the position of having to choose between their teen's health and their own well being?)?

 

bests are much nicer to deal with.

 

for us, dd #2 eventually figured out that staying in school was the best bet. except then every few years she would fail out, get a job, and then go back to school. finally, at age 24 we said, "we feel like we're helping you fail by appearing to support you. you need a job. you have 4 months to find one." she came home for christmas, at the 3.7 month mark, with no job. she started applying then. (i still get apoplectic about it. really? she started then???!!!). but she got a job. a year later, she still has the job. she likes the job. the job likes her. she makes barely enough to support herself, but she does. we waited so long for the tough love because both dh and i knew it would do me in. i have all the head knowledge in the world, but my heart would have cracked....... it took me that long to get myself together to the point where this was the only choice.

 

ymmv,

ann

[Crimson Wife]

I've seen both positive outcomes (usually after a period of military service by the kid) and really bad ones (substance abuse problems, unwed pregnancies, winding up in jail, etc.) It's a big roll of the dice.

[Kathryn]

I think it's all individual and based on so many circumstances. If they have a "support" system of bad influences, I think it will be negative for the child kicked out, but could be positive for the family if the child was creating problems in the home. If there's no real influence either way, it could go either way depending on the situation they fall into.

 

Personally, I know of many, many situations that ended badly for the one kicked out (I hung out with the bad crowd in school)--death, prison, homeless and drug-addicted. I have a close family member who was kicked out resulting in a safer and more stable home for his siblings. But, he's never lived on his own. He's lived his entire adult life in prison or halfway houses. I also have a close family member who after many screwups was told to fix her own messes. It took her a few years, but she's now a very stable person. But, she's the only happy ending I know of personally.

[StartingOver]

Mine get eviction notices at 18, but the door is always left open a crack so they can have a safe place to fall. To live in my home they must work..... PERIOD!! If they don't have a car we have another, but they pay the insurance, and contribute to the house in way of food or bills. No free ride here. That's what friends couches are for.

[Scarlett]

I have very carefully watched various scenarios play out with my family and friends for YEARS. My conclusion is that sometimes kicking a non cooperative adult child out forces them to grow up and make good decisions and sometimes it doesn't. That is up to adult child. Either way, it is best for the parents to put them out.

 

I will give you two examples my brother and his best friend from high school. Mom and friends mom were both teachers in the same small school and friends. Both boys began drinking and using drugs from young teen on. Both gave their moms a lot of grief. A lot. By the time my brother was 18 my mom said, if you are gong to live that way you have to live somewhere else. So he moved out with in the week. My brother and his friend continued to get in trouble....and the friends mom continued to bail her son out of ever jam he got in. Once they got thrown into jail and my mom told him he would have to sit it out because she wasn't going to bail him out. The friends mom went and bailed both of them out. The boys complained that they had been mistreated by the police. My mom went to see the police chief. He said m'am let me show you a tape of that night. To her horror she watched as both boys kicked clawed and cursed the officers who were trying to put them in the drunk tank. Mom told the friends mom what she saw and encouraged her to go view it for herself....but she refused. She couldn't bear to face the truth about her son.

 

Years go by...both boys marry, have children, divorce. By mid 20s my brother wasn't living the way he was raised by any means but had a decent job and took care of his kids before and after the divorce. The friend meanwhile is being supported by his mom still. He has a family home to live in for free and his mom gives him money and he doesn't work or take care of his kids. His entire life he did nothing productive. He just drank and used drugs and his mom supported him. He stayed close to my bother but my brother wouldn't allow him to visit if he was drinking, so he rarely came over. They talked on the phone daily. One day he didn't call and my brother reported him missing. After an extensive search they found him in a dense thicket behind his (not his but the one he was allwes to use for free) house. He had driven his car deep into the woods, jumped out, left the door open, ran a few yards and fell over dead from a heart attack.

 

His mother is sure to tell everyone that he didn't die from drug use, but from a heart attack. Riiiiight. Which was not affected AT ALL by 25 years of drug use. To the very end she was an enabler with her head in the sand.

 

My brother didn't do a whole lot better but he did work for a long time before he became disabled from a bad car accident. He still doesn't have his life completely together even though he is 43. The main difference in these two stories is that my mom put good boundaries in place and even though she worried about my brother she did not continue to feel responsible for him.

 

I do not know what makes some kids feel so little in the way of personal responsibility. Why some cant ever learn except the hard way. But the best thing ou can do is to lovingly detach and let them do as they please.

[Jenny in Florida]

The worst that could happen is that they move in with a friend that abuses them.

 

No, the worst that could happen is they could die or could make choices that significantly shorten their lives and/or compromise their health and well being.

 

My two eldest brothers-in-law never did find their way in the world. One is alternately homeless and in prison for various petty stuff. The other never managed to move out of his parents' home for the long haul until after both parents died and the house was sold. He lived on the proceeds of their estate for as long as that lasted (which was not a life of luxury, I assure you), struggling with health issues caused by a lifetime of alcohol and drug abuse, and eventually died at age 50.

 

I don't know what the "right" answer is, and the questions terrify me. On bad days, I watch my teenaged son putter around the house and show us how little he cares about his education and his future, and I can clearly see us having to make the exact same decisions my in-laws did. And, even with the "benefit" of my brothers-in-law as examples and cautionary tales, I have no clue what the right decision would be.

 

My husband and I vowed years ago that we would never allow an adult kid of ours to live in our garage indefinitely, but the potential for disaster for an immature young adult in the world without a safety net is genuinely terrifying.

[caroljenn]

I definitely think being forced to be responsible speeds up maturity. A big slap in the face will wake most people up, unless they already have substance abuse issues or some type of mental illness.

 

My ex-husband is a LOT like Scarlett's brother's friend. He is 45 and still living in a house that his parents own, paying no rent, not seeing his kid and $27,000 behind on child support. His mom never thought he could do anything wrong, and his dad was a tyrant. I think it would have been better for him to have the hard/tough love that his dad dished out than being coddled and pampered and covered for like his mom did every day of his life. He is an absolute, total loser (not just from an ex-wife's standpoint) and he has made nothing of himself. He is waiting for his dad to kick the bucket so he can get his inheritance and complain about how everything wrong is everyone else's fault.

 

I have a 19 year old son who joined the Navy on delayed entry and now is considering backing out. He has not cared one whit about schoolwork and barely graduated, with a 2.1 GPA. Now he decides he's going to bail on the Navy? Yep - he wants "to go to school". Now? What about all 6 of those years that you didn't want to go to school? Where you could have changed your future by trying and doing a bit better? Give me a break- we told him if he bails on the Navy he will be supporting himself. I think teenage boys with a lick of common sense are the rarities. Mine has none. I love him, but sometimes his decisions are ridiculous.

[Scarlett]

I definitely think being forced to be responsible speeds up maturity. A big slap in the face will wake most people up, unless they already have substance abuse issues or some type of mental illness.

 

My ex-husband is a LOT like Scarlett's brother's friend. He is 45 and still living in a house that his parents own, paying no rent, not seeing his kid and $27,000 behind on child support. His mom never thought he could do anything wrong, and his dad was a tyrant. I think it would have been better for him to have the hard/tough love that his dad dished out than being coddled and pampered and covered for like his mom did every day of his life. He is an absolute, total loser (not just from an ex-wife's standpoint) and he has made nothing of himself. He is waiting for his dad to kick the bucket so he can get his inheritance and complain about how everything wrong is everyone else's fault.

 

I have a 19 year old son who joined the Navy on delayed entry and now is considering backing out. He has not cared one whit about schoolwork and barely graduated, with a 2.1 GPA. Now he decides he's going to bail on the Navy? Yep - he wants "to go to school". Now? What about all 6 of those years that you didn't want to go to school? Where you could have changed your future by trying and doing a bit better? Give me a break- we told him if he bails on the Navy he will be supporting himself. I think teenage boys with a lick of common sense are the rarities. Mine has none. I love him, but sometimes his decisions are ridiculous.

 

I hope you quietly wait and if he does get an inheritance make sure you get your back cs. I have no sympathy for men who don't pay their cs or see their children.

[KungFuPanda]

You could phase him into adulthood. It's not like anyone expects you to push him onto the porch and lock the door. First 'help' him find a bachelor pad that he can afford with roommates who aren't criminals. Then, 'help' him move his stuff to said apartment. Explain that he'll need to work X hours at Y rate to afford food, utilities, rent, and driving expenses.

 

He 'should' have the gumption to do it himself, but he doesn't, so help him. He may function in another comfortable rut as well as he's functioning at your house.

 

You might wanna screen your calls and only be immediately available for true emergencies.

[swellmomma]

Whether it is a good ending or a bad ending depends on the reader.

 

I moved out 6 months after graduation, I was 18. I was working fulltime but my mom wanted to micromanage my every move, dictating a 9 pm curfew etc. I moved out, I partied, I went through several jobs, several boyfriends, I had fun. 1 year later I decided to attend college and moved back home. I did winter term that year, and the fall term the following year, I met my now ex husband Dec 4 of the fall term. I got pregnant new year's eve, found out 5.5 weeks later and the day I found out my mother kicked me out again because I refused to immediately schedule an abortion. Despite being a fulltime college student, and working 20 hours a week on top of studying and my ex and I not being a couple any longer I had no where to go so I moved in with ex. While preparing for my final exam in modern dance at 14.5 weeks pg I tore the placenta. The debiliating pain caused me to fail all my final exams, and I was put on bedrest. So I flunked out of that term. I had plans to continue the next fall but ds14 was prem and delivered sept 1, 3 days before classes began. I couldn't go back that semester, I was pg again 4.5 weeks later so 2nd term was out of the question too. Instead ex and I who had actually broken up again when I was 4 months pg with oldest, and then got back together when I was 7 months pg, had the 2 kids, moved all over the province, put him through school, got married and divorced. And I was once again on my own with the kids.

 

I was not welcome to move back home after my divorce, instead I found an apt and job in my hometown via the telephone, and my mom showed up to fill the fridge and pantry and tell me I got to lay in the bed I made(as in they offered me cash to not marry ex and felt it was my own fault it didn't work since they warned me, and ultimate I told you so moment basically).

 

I did go back to college a couple times but going to school f/t as a parent supporting kids is not exactly easy, and in the end the courses I attended for have not improved our situation but have piled on enormous amounts of debt.

 

I was already a very mature person when I moved out the first time, but my mother and I can't stand each other so living under the same roof wasn't a good situation. The whole kicking me out because I refused an abortion pretty much sealed her fate in my eyes, she forgets as one of her kids I have a say in what nursing home she eventually ends up in. So kicking me out did not help me face real life or anything like that. It did make things damn near impossible to offer a good life to my kids. I had the choice of go with my now ex husband or live on the streets.

 

Had she not kicked me out, I never would have had my 2nd, gotten married to him, gone through the drinking, the final attack or anything in between. I would have finished my degree. Unlikely I would have had 3rd and 4th the way I did. I could have given my kids a better life. That said I still made choices in all that time that led to my current situation. But by that 1 action of her kicking me out it created a dominoe effect that resulted in me being a poor single mom with a tough row to hoe. The what ifs do run through my mind about what sort of life I could have given my oldest (and any after him) if I had not been forced to decide between being homeless or living with a jerk or having an abortion to keep my home.

[dbmamaz]

you cant put someone in an apartment and THEN tell them to get a job - you're stuck paying rent.

 

i'm constantly so torn. My family has a history of mental illness, but my daughter has been refusing help. And she's been so mean to me. but she took a a half a bottle of xanax. and then asked to go back to the hospital and cussed me out and tried to run off in the middle of the night when they wouldnt take her. SO my mom took her in and is making her go to therapy, but i still worry that my mom is making like too easy for her. I feel like I must have failed as a parent somewhere, but otoh, i cant change the past. I am sure i'm doing better with my boys, but they are easier than she was (after puberty). and the older one is already on meds. Its really scarier to kick a girl out on the streets . . . the worst that can happen? Violent rape . . .turning to prostitution . . . she's a tiny thing. But she cant get away with calling me names and demanding money from us.

 

right now i kinda hate being a parent i'm SO grateful that my mom is handling it and giving me a break, but i do really fear that my mom will make her totally dependent like she has with my sister. I just try to focus on whats going well with the boys and trying to fix my knee . . .

[Mergath]

I think it really depends on the kid and the family situation. If a kid is actually suffering from a mental illness, it could be devastating. And I do know families who've been in this situation who've been setting their kids up to fail by years by not truly parenting them and by not developing a relationship with them. I have a 16 year old nephew I'm SO worried about right now. He's already been arrested once. Conversely, there are wonderful families a with an entitled and difficult child, that need a kick in the pants to fly. It's really situational IMO. And I do not have a kid that old, but I do have many adult nieces and nephews who've I've watched grow up.

 

 

:iagree: Exactly. You can't force someone who is mentally ill to grow up by thrusting them into homelessness. And this is one reason why having open lines of communication is so important. My mom is in this situation with my brother, where she suspects he may be mentally ill but just doesn't know because they have a terrible relationship and he won't talk to her, other than to ask for money or whatever. It's hard to know what to do. Having dealt with mental illness myself, I tend to err on the side of caution because I know just how helpful it can be to have a safe and accepting place to stay while you get yourself sorted. The families that are very, "You hit this age and you're out, no matter what," make me a bit sad. I think a happy medium is best- you can't stay forever, but you aren't going to find your underwear on the curb on the eve of your eighteenth birthday, either.

 

Of course, I say this more from the perspective of the eighteen-year-old than of the parents.

[stansclan89]

I have such a hard time relating to these stories. I can't see mine making the decisions that would cause me to kick them out. It would have to be drugs/alcohol abuse, being promiscuous in our house, being abusive to family members. None of my teens/adult kids are anywhere near to any of these situations. We have also let them make their own decisions and own their own mistakes from a young age. We have worked at not becoming something to rebel against. And we have good kids. They have learned from their mistakes.

 

If they did do...one of the things I listed...we would have to kick them out. They are not allowed to subject those things on the rest of the family. And it would break my heart that they are making choices that affect our relationship in this way.

 

As for working/going to school--we expect them to be doing one of these if they are living at home. But if they are not, I don't make them work 8 hours a day for me instead. I encourage them to go to school or find a job. They don't always do it on my time table, but they have done it so far. Eventually.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have such a hard time relating to these stories. I can't see mine making the decisions that would cause me to kick them out. It would have to be drugs/alcohol abuse, being promiscuous in our house, being abusive to family members. None of my teens/adult kids are anywhere near to any of these situations. We have also let them make their own decisions and own their own mistakes from a young age. We have worked at not becoming something to rebel against. And we have good kids. They have learned from their mistakes.

 

If they did do...one of the things I listed...we would have to kick them out. They are not allowed to subject those things on the rest of the family. And it would break my heart that they are making choices that affect our relationship in this way.

 

As for working/going to school--we expect them to be doing one of these if they are living at home. But if they are not, I don't make them work 8 hours a day for me instead. I encourage them to go to school or find a job. They don't always do it on my time table, but they have done it so far. Eventually.

 

This is so not helpful. Don't you think these loving parents have done all of this already? I know some of them personally and I can assure you they have.

[stansclan89]

I think we have all known some personally. Most that I have known are either extremely strict causing some personalities to rebel, or so lenient that they are not allowing the kids to realize the consequences of their own actions.

[Mrs Mungo]

Have you considered military boarding school? They have both high school and junior colleges. Would he go, if you offered something like that? I know he is turning 18, so you can't force it, but would he consider it? Could you afford it? There is financial aid available, especially for the colleges. Could he get his GED and go?

 

Just something to consider.

[AndyJoy]

I think we have all known some personally. Most that I have known are either extremely strict causing some personalities to rebel, or so lenient that they are not allowing the kids to realize the consequences of their own actions.

 

My parents were neither, but my sister still chose to rebel against our family values. They didn't actually kick her out because she chose to leave right before they reached that point (age 19).

[kalanamak]

 

My parents were neither, but my sister still chose to rebel against our family values. They didn't actually kick her out because she chose to leave right before they reached that point (age 19).

 

I met a really nice farmer some years back, who mentioned he had 7 grown kids (we were talking about how many kids grow up and leave the farm). One was a fine furniture maker, another worked in finance in Chicago, another a college instructor, the list went on I mentally ticked off 6.

"What about number 7?" I asked.

"Oh, he's a drug dealer in Hawaii."

 

No family is immune.

[Rebecca VA]

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Mungo, but actually he's 21. He is working hard at a job he likes, and he's living in a house we own about an hour from our family home. So our situation is a little different from the poster on the other thread (the one who actually does have an almost-18-year-old). Our situation is...different. I can't talk too much about it, but he needs support during the letting-go process. Problem is, he gets lonely and depressed and starts wilting. He won't take his meds. We're worried that he will lose his job. It really is kind of a mental health issue, but there's more involved. He won't seek help.

 

Now, the military boarding school idea sounds pretty good for my 15-year-old. She's already at a boarding school, but she isn't taking her academics very seriously. I actually talked to another mom last week whose underachieving daughter is thriving at military school.

[stansclan89]

 

My parents were neither, but my sister still chose to rebel against our family values. They didn't actually kick her out because she chose to leave right before they reached that point (age 19).

 

This is how it is supposed to happen. Your sister was questioning the values she was taught and knew she needed to move out live the way she wanted as an adult. Hopefully she learned a lot by the experience.

[Murphy101]

It really depends on the person, IMO.

 

Some do mature on their own and even find they grow closer to their parents afterward.

 

Some just never do. Idk if they would do better home, but I doubt it. Some people just can't seem to ever get out of immature self destruct mode.

 

Some either need more time to mature, late bloomers as they used to be called. Generally good kids who just need a bit more time in the nest before they can take flight with a reasonable expectation of success.

 

And still yet for some others the parents need to accept and figure out how to deal with the fact that their adult child isn't capable of more. A fine line between not mentally unfit enough to have them declared unfit yet obviously not able to function with a full deck.

 

I don't know which you are dealing with, but I don't think it's a one size fits all issue.

 

(((hugs)))

[brownie]

hmm...I think the worst thing that could happen is them hurting someone else. And that includes having illegitimate children and then dumping them, thus causing pain for an innocent child. However, there are much worse ways one could hurt someone else. A drunk driving accident for example. As much as it would pain me to see my own child suffer, it would pain me more to know that someone suffered because of their irresponsibility.

[Farrar]

While my brother has been out of the house for a long time now, I've watched my parents deal with some of these types of issues with him for years. I always ache because I think the worst has two edges. Either things go horribly wrong - death, prison, addiction, abuse, you name it. Or things get better if you cut them off - but they don't forgive you for it. :(

[Murphy101]

Sex, drugs, prison is the worst that could happen.

 

That no new insight.

 

But I can't say keeping them home means they won't end up there either.

[Rebecca VA]

These insights are brilliant, and they keep getting better. Thank you, ladies. I'm so glad to have all of you to discuss this with.

[gardenmom5]

My mil kicked my bil out. He may or may not have been mentally ill at that time. (if so, it was unrecognized. At one point he drew a kitchen knife on mil - but he was not made to answer for that.) there are thoughts he had aspergers growing up - and I *really* think he later developed schizophrenia, which was untreated. He had the opportunity for college classes when he was still at home and in a better place mentally, but he basically flunked out - but he was very intelligent.

 

His living situation was very poor. He never lived on the street (my mil regularly sent him money.), but a flop house isn't much better. He eventually worked a seasonal job for so many years, he eventually got unemployment in the off season and that was how he survived.

 

In the last few years of his life he got a job as a part-time night desk clerk at a motel 6 - and it was the best job he ever had. However, his lifestyle and health situation led to a very early death.

 

 

eta: he would stay at our house for several days over thanksgiving every year. (and eat everything in sight.) I was nervous around him. My kids were scared of him. he stayed at my sil's (his sister) once - and she refused to go to bed one night becasue she was scared of the way he was talking to himself. normal people may talk to themselves - but not like that. (years later she ended up with a restraining order against him.)

 

 

I believe kicking him out was the right thing to do, but my mil found it hard.

[Mrs Mungo]

Oh, sorry, I was clearly confusing the two threads!

[cin]

This is somewhat similar to the posts about cutting off contact with parents. I guess it really just boils down to boundaries. It's easier with parents because we assume that since their older, they can manage without us. At least we hope they can.

[gardenmom5]

I have such a hard time relating to these stories. I can't see mine making the decisions that would cause me to kick them out. It would have to be drugs/alcohol abuse, being promiscuous in our house, being abusive to family members. None of my teens/adult kids are anywhere near to any of these situations. We have also let them make their own decisions and own their own mistakes from a young age. We have worked at not becoming something to rebel against. And we have good kids. They have learned from their mistakes.

 

If they did do...one of the things I listed...we would have to kick them out. They are not allowed to subject those things on the rest of the family. And it would break my heart that they are making choices that affect our relationship in this way.

 

As for working/going to school--we expect them to be doing one of these if they are living at home. But if they are not, I don't make them work 8 hours a day for me instead. I encourage them to go to school or find a job. They don't always do it on my time table, but they have done it so far. Eventually.

 

 

In my experience, there are three types of children.

those who are wonderful, and will bring joy to their parents - even if they're lousy parents.

those who are a little more dependent upon their circumstances - and could go up or down to some degree.

those who will give the best parents in the world a run for their money.

thank whatever God you worship you don't have any from the last group.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Children - esp. as they approach adulthood - have free will. They will make their own choices. They do not have to be mentally ill to make really crappy choices. Some people shoot themselves in the foot even if they have parents who were not too lenient or too strict. Ultimately it comes back to them making their own choices. Parents who ask their kids to leave do so because the kid's choices are hurting the family - not just making life uncomfortable - but actually hurting the family.

[SKL]

It would be different for every young adult I know.

 

My oldest brother was an independent/selfish guy - not a mean person, but he basically wore out his welcome around age 18. My mom set rules for living at home, and he found those rules too restrictive, so he moved out with a friend. He did just OK. Worked at blue-collar jobs, played in a band, engaged in minor foolishness and stayed under the radar pretty much. I don't think he would have done much better had he lived at home. He did learn from the experience and eventually became a responsible husband and parent.

 

My second brother stayed at home until he joined the air force at age 19. He had some problems, but being out of the house was still probably best for him. His issues were certainly not caused by his living arrangement. He too ended up a responsible husband and father.

 

My third brother stayed at home way longer. He was kind of lazy and lacked direction. He attended school but kept dropping classes, so it took him forever to graduate. Eventually he moved out with a roommate when in his 20s. He might have moved back home once or twice. I don't know why my parents put up with him so long. They have always been enablers with this son. I think part of the equation was that when he was an adult, there were no young kids at home, so there wasn't an issue of my parents allowing a bad example to be set for the youngers. (I am not sure he ever really matured. He does have his own home now and a professional job, but he still talks like a person with no life direction. Last I heard, my mom was still helping him with his bills, and he's in his late 30s now.)

 

The worst that could happen? I don't know. It seems to me that when this question comes up, it's usually because the child is already on a pretty bad path. The fact that they are living at home doesn't seem to be helping matters. Absent a mental issue, I do not think parents should feel guilty for showing their grown children the door, especially if it is due to unacceptable behaviors.

[Joker]

I dropped out of school and caused my parents grief. Fortunately, they did not kick me out. My dad said he would never kick us out. He did give me more responsibility, though. They had given me a car to drive in high school and now I needed to pay for it as well as the insurance and gas. If I did not, they would sell the car. I had three months to start payments. They would give me a place to sleep and they would feed me what they fed everyone else, but that was it. I was responsible for everything else. For me, the greatest thing they did was continue to love me and be with me during that time. They weren't angry or authoritative during this time. They just didn't give me anything extra and I went out and found a way to do that on my own. Within a year I had my own apartment and a steady job. Within two years I had moved across the country, found a better job, and eventually met dh and have the life that I have now. I feel for those facing these problems and hope if I encounter them with my own dds that it turns out as well as my own story did.

[Danestress]

I think the worst thing that can happen is that your child sleeps on the street where he is assaulted and murdered by a sadistic maniac and dies cursing your name.

 

Okay? That's the worse.

 

You really can't effectively parent from a position of fear. If we lived in too much fear we wouldn't have children in the first place. You have to believe in a decent future to want to have children, I think, and you have to focus on helping your child cope with the realities of the world he lives in and believe in his own ability to make it on his own eventually.

.

[AndyJoy]

My parents were neither, but my sister still chose to rebel against our family values. They didn't actually kick her out because she chose to leave right before they reached that point (age 19).

This is how it is supposed to happen. Your sister was questioning the values she was taught and knew she needed to move out live the way she wanted as an adult. Hopefully she learned a lot by the experience.

 

Eh, it wasn't quite as mature as all that. More like a "Well if you're going to kick me out anyway I won't give you the chance I CHOOSE to leave." She didn't know she needed to move out and be an adult on her own dime. If she'd known that she wouldn't have been so bratty and bitter about it. My parting from my parents was both liberating and bittersweet. We all recognized that it was time and it felt right. She wanted to keep benefiting from them without contributing to the household and her parting was more tumultuous/torturous than "right." I don't think "coming of age" and leaving home should be expected to include conflict by default.

 

She did learn a lot from the experience, but her moving out certainly wasn't the mature choice it might seem. It took years for her to accept that it was really the right choice (that was almost forced upon her.) She has grown tremendously as a person and has learned a lot about herself and now takes responsibility for a lot more of her life. Unfortunately, she floundered a bit and experienced some bad things along the way rather than learning from the example of others. She's still paying physically, emotionally, and financially for some of this.

[Audrey]

 

 

I have a 19 year old son who joined the Navy on delayed entry and now is considering backing out. He has not cared one whit about schoolwork and barely graduated, with a 2.1 GPA. Now he decides he's going to bail on the Navy? Yep - he wants "to go to school". Now? What about all 6 of those years that you didn't want to go to school? Where you could have changed your future by trying and doing a bit better? Give me a break- we told him if he bails on the Navy he will be supporting himself. I think teenage boys with a lick of common sense are the rarities. Mine has none. I love him, but sometimes his decisions are ridiculous.

 

 

Don't let him back out of that committment. The military is a very good place for young people who haven't reached that place where they have the sense and abilities to live out on their own. The military takes care of so many things for you -- you have meals to eat (that you don't have to cook yourself), a reliable place to sleep every night, clothes, medical care when you need, and you are surrounded by people who will let you know what you need to do, how you need to do it and when you need to do it. You will learn how to manage your time. You will learn valuable life skills. You will also have a regular paycheck.

 

It is not a lifetime committment either. He can put in his service term and not re-enlist, then take those skills and go out into the civilian world and use them in a job. Or, he can stay in -- but that's his choice at that time.

 

And, there are people who really do need the discipline that the military demands before they can mature.

[Catherine]

I think it really depends on the kid and the family situation. If a kid is actually suffering from a mental illness, it could be devastating. And I do know families who've been in this situation who've been setting their kids up to fail by years by not truly parenting them and by not developing a relationship with them.

 

 

 

I've seen this myself. It is SO important to understand where the kid is in terms of maturity and what their life has been up to this point. We took in my nephew after his mom kicked him out of the house when he graduated fro high school. He lived on the streets for 6 months, couch surfed and finally landed at our house for 2 1\2 years. We had no idea what we were getting ourselves in for. No child who's been seriously neglected for his entire life is going to magically grow up at any age. No child who's known no limit-setting is going to respond appropriately to limit-setting in a normal house.

 

Only the OP knows if they have prepared the child well for adulthood and he just needs a nudge.

[Down_the_Rabbit_Hole]

I am still waiting to see if maturity/responsibility will catch up with my middle son. He never "got it" living with us, and spending 5 months in a Military type program (away from home), and now in the Military, he just does not get it. He is still the same child. For now he has a roof over his head and food on the table thanks to the military but once he leaves he will be broke (has not saved a dime) and living on the street. I will not be taking him in (harsh, I know, but he was home for Christmas and I saw NO CHANGE). I will not be giving him money. I honestly think some people need to hit rock bottom before they will change. My family is just beginning to heal from our years of hell, I will not sacrifice the 4 still here at home for the one (my youngest son went through a type of depression during those years of hell and he is now coming out and blossoming into a wonderful young man, I will not risk it).

 

What is the worst the OP asks....homelessness, life of drugs/prostitution, prison, death...all these things I have thought about. My heart aches and will always ache until this child/man changes.

[Down_the_Rabbit_Hole]

Don't let him back out of that committment. The military is a very good place for young people who haven't reached that place where they have the sense and abilities to live out on their own. The military takes care of so many things for you -- you have meals to eat (that you don't have to cook yourself), a reliable place to sleep every night, clothes, medical care when you need, and you are surrounded by people who will let you know what you need to do, how you need to do it and when you need to do it. You will learn how to manage your time. You will learn valuable life skills. You will also have a regular paycheck.

 

It is not a lifetime committment either. He can put in his service term and not re-enlist, then take those skills and go out into the civilian world and use them in a job. Or, he can stay in -- but that's his choice at that time.

 

And, there are people who really do need the discipline that the military demands before they can mature.

please note...the military could be a cure but it could just be a band aid. So far my son has had 2 yrs of military interference and he has not changed one bit. Actually it is worse. Now he gets a paycheck to fund his care free ways, a paycheck that is all his because he has no bills to worry about (except a phone bill). The military pays for his cost of living expense so he is not learning to be responsible. It is giving him a false sense of maturity and when he leaves he will be be in the reality of the real world with out a clue (because he never listened to us and the military took care of his needs).

[Tammyla]

I agree, it depends on the 18 year old and the family. I'm sure it's very hard on any family considering that decision.

[mytwomonkeys]

I just have no idea what I would do. We would have to actually be going through those circumstances before I could even determine my response. There are so many variables at play in a situation like that.

[caroljenn]

 

 

I hope you quietly wait and if he does get an inheritance make sure you get your back cs. I have no sympathy for men who don't pay their cs or see their children.

 

 

 

I actually talked to CSS about this and they told me they will intercept his inheritance and give me what is owed, which should be close to $50,000 by then. My ex has no idea of this, I'm sure. and it's good that the rest of the family is deluded enough to think I will care when his dad dies (again, not a nice guy) and I'm sure they will let me know. As soon as it happens, I'm picking up the phone and calling CSS to make sure they know to intercept. Hopefully it won't fall through the cracks!

[lea_lpz]

I think if adults are living at home and can't follow the rules, they need to be on their own. If they are not able to see the error of their ways and get it together to support themselves on their own or to come back home and obey the house rules, it isn't the parents responsibility anymore. They are legal adults and responsible for their own choices. In the case they get hooked on drugs and die, they could have done that at home too. Many drug addicts are enabled by parents continuing to bail them out and provide a home where they can be druggies.