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Would it be rude?


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Would it be rude?  

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  1. 1. Would it be rude to ask if DD4 could go to the birthday party?

    • No, it can't hurt to ask.
      11
    • Yes, it would be rude.
      217
    • Other.
      5


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I did not. There was no point by then. I had already promised myself I was not inviting this kid over ever again for anything. I realize I could have had a rational discussion and perhaps changed the situation so that we could again invite dd's friend to things, but I was far too angry at that time to be rational. And frankly, her idea of OK and mine are just so far apart, I did not see us every agreeing on this.

 

Wowza. You are way nicer than me. I'd have been on the phone pronto calling the mother to get her bum back NOW and get her kids bc I was not babysitting them. She would have gotten an earful in that call. Livid. Oh my. That's nuts.

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I dunno though--I don't see it as a matter of a younger sibling vs. older sibling/ friend thing, but more as a never ever ever inviting yourself to a party simply because you've heard about it and decided you'd like to go, kwim?

 

I agree. And I don't think it has anything to do with large vs smaller family either. My kids do all kinds of stuff separate from each other. Such is life.

 

If anything, I sometimes discover we aren't invited bc of our family size and people presuming that it's all or nothing when it isn't. Once I explain that, we seem to get plenty of invites. I wish people wouldn't assume it.

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this just reminds me all over again of one of the things i really like about our local homeschooling culture. families are invited to things, but rarely individual children. sometimes, individual children opt out due to other commitments or due to the age of the hosts, but not so often.

 

if it were a school party, and it sounds like it is, i wouldn't ask.

if it were a homeschool party and i knew the mom really well, i'd probably ask something like, "and how many of mine would you like? were you just picturing little johnny, or were you thinking you'd like them all or ???"

(and i do this because several times we've assumed it was only one of them when it turned out the others were included, too)

 

let us know how it turns out.... i think a mommy/daughter date might be a ton of fun!

ann

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I'm assuming in the original post that the party is a drop-off party? In which case, I definitely wouldn't ask. I'd drop off the older child and go do something fun with younger one during that time.

 

If it's a -parents must stay- party it gets a little stickier since what are you supposed to do with your younger child then?

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Please don't ask. My dd's 7th bday party was the first time we had a drop-off, all kids party. In the past we had the whole neighborhood and whole families. Dd was very excited to have a "big girl" party. I sent out the invites and one mom emailed to inform me that her "family policy" was that if one kid attends a party, the siblings must also be welcome. Her daughter has a younger sister who was 4 at the time. I begrudgingly responded that the 4 yo was welcome even though I was not pleased about it. I warned the mom that the activities were really directed towards the 6-8 yo crowd and that the 4 yo might feel left out. In addition, I was going to be the only adult there and we live on a busy corner with no fence.....this was to be an outdoor party. I was worried about supervising anyone younger than 6. Much to my shock, she dropped off her 6 yo, her 4 yo, AND her 2 yo son (with a DIAPER BAG)! I did not even see what happened. I saw them arrive, I welcomed the two girls, mom got in the van and drove away. It was just as she left my sight down the road that I noticed she did not take the 2 yo with her. He was just standing there with the diaper bag next to him, blinking at me. Then he started crying because he missed his mom. I spent the entire party chasing the 2 yo around! The 4 yo was also miserable and hid behind a tree the whole time. She was mad because the opening game was a treasure hunt that involved reading and she did not feel included. I was livid over the whole experience. Luckily, another mom took pity on me and the situation and stayed to help me out. She ran most of the party while I babysat. Unfortunately, despite the oldest still being friends with dd, she has not been invited to another party. She has not even been invited over for a playdate. I am too worried that an invitation will require the supervision of all of the children and I just cannot deal with that again.

 

I realize your situation is not nearly as extreme but the hosts know you have a younger child and if they did not include her in the invite, it is for a reason. Not a bad reason, just an age/space reason.

 

Umm, wow. WTH is wrong with people?

 

I have a somewhat similar story where a "friend" asked me to watch her kids for an appointment. She ended up being gone all afternoon and into the evening and wouldn't answer her phone. Also, her kids had been molested by someone in the church and they were acting out on other kids but didn't tell us anything, other than "oh yeah, and make sure they're not in a room alone with anyone." We ended up having a close call with their kids on a different occasion. It was after that that we cut WAY back on social events. People be freaking crazy.

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Okay, obviously I won't ask. LOL I appreciate the input. My kids do know that not every event is for every person. And for the record, I would never dump my children on anyone like in all of these stories! It's just that since both of my girls are friends with this girl, it doesn't seem right to leave one out. Oh well.

 

I would not ask.....but I'd probably not send my older one either. My girls are 5 and 8. Any friends that they have are the same group and play together. It would be very unfair to my younger daughter if my older daughter got invited and she didn't when they are all friends. ETA...it's not just a case of sending a younger sibling along. They are actually friends.

 

This is why I have been worried about this so much. They are all friends. Actually, DD4 and the birthday girl play together more than DD6 and the bg. (And my DH says I like to worry. ;) )

 

Since they know her, they would have included her on the invite if she were invited. I think it would be best not to ask because that would be asking the parents to change the party to accommodate her (different "age-appropriate" activities, additional goodies if they don't have extra). I would explain that the party was only for children at least 5yo and go do something else with the 4yo. Hopefully she will understand the age criterion. Once my dd (then age 4) was invited by a classmate to a birthday party. I didn't know the parents, and they did not know that I had another dd (also age 4) in the same class. I did call and ask if both dds could attend. The dad said that his 4yo son had only mentioned one of them when he asked for an invite list, but he was fine with my other dd attending. I would not have let just one of my dds attend that party, because they were the same age and in the same class, and there would have definitely been hurt feelings. (I should note that this was the first friend birthday invite we ever got, so it's not like they had lots of other opportunities and it was sort of a milestone.) (I should also note that I felt very uncomfortable asking, but ultimately it seemed better than declining the invitation outright.)

 

There will definitely be hurt feelings. She won't be upset in a "but I want to go too" fashion. It will be more like "why does my friend not want me at her birthday party?" Explaining it by age might help though, thanks.

 

I agree. And I know that the person will likely say yes even if they don't want to say yes. And I don't want to be at a party or have my child at a party who wasn't wanted there in the first place. If I was that unhappy about the whole thing then none of us would be going.

 

Thanks, this is why I was so hesitant to ask. Maybe we will just skip the whole thing. It just makes me feel uneasy.

 

this just reminds me all over again of one of the things i really like about our local homeschooling culture. families are invited to things, but rarely individual children. sometimes, individual children opt out due to other commitments or due to the age of the hosts, but not so often. if it were a school party, and it sounds like it is, i wouldn't ask. if it were a homeschool party and i knew the mom really well, i'd probably ask something like, "and how many of mine would you like? were you just picturing little johnny, or were you thinking you'd like them all or ???" (and i do this because several times we've assumed it was only one of them when it turned out the others were included, too) let us know how it turns out.... i think a mommy/daughter date might be a ton of fun! ann

 

This is exactly how our homeschool friends are and actually most of our other friends as well! I love it!

 

I'm assuming in the original post that the party is a drop-off party? In which case, I definitely wouldn't ask. I'd drop off the older child and go do something fun with younger one during that time. If it's a -parents must stay- party it gets a little stickier since what are you supposed to do with your younger child then?

 

I honestly don't know! I assume it is, but I need to find out.

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Okay, obviously I won't ask. LOL I appreciate the input. My kids do know that not every event is for every person. And for the record, I would never dump my children on anyone like in all of these stories! It's just that since both of my girls are friends with this girl, it doesn't seem right to leave one out. Oh well.

 

 

 

This is why I have been worried about this so much. They are all friends. Actually, DD4 and the birthday girl play together more than DD6 and the bg. (And my DH says I like to worry. ;) )

 

 

 

 

 

If you are fairly close friends with the other mom, you could casually say something about how DD6 will be coming and you'll be taking DD4 somewhere (pick a place) and clarify about when to pick DD6 up. If leaving DD4 off the invitation was a mistake, it would give her a chance to realize it and invite her. If she's not invited, then it would be clear. It does seem strange to go out of the way to invite your older DD to a party if she plays with the younger one more, but I agree it is rude to ask outright.

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Wowza. You are way nicer than me. I'd have been on the phone pronto calling the mother to get her bum back NOW and get her kids bc I was not babysitting them. She would have gotten an earful in that call. Livid. Oh my. That's nuts.

 

This is what I would have done! Or, at least, what I *hope* I would have done. I would probably be so gobsmacked that I wouldn't be able to think straight!!

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Whether or not you decide to let your older dd go, I would RSVP in person or on the phone. Once when I called a friend to RSVP for my boys to go to a birthday party for their friends (also boys), the mom said, "Oh, and DD is invited too. I don't know what I was thinking when I sent the invitation!"

 

For us, even though they were all friends, it was not an issue. However, she was very excited that she was invited to go. This may not happen in your situation, but maybe it is possible that the little girl has mentioned that she would, in fact, like your 4yo come. This would give a busy mom a chance to extend an invitation if she chose to.

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This is what I would have done! Or, at least, what I *hope* I would have done. I would probably be so gobsmacked that I wouldn't be able to think straight!!

 

Me too. I would like to think I'd have called her right away to say there had been a misunderstanding (not on her part but mine for wrongly thinking I was dealing with a reasonable, normal person) and she needed to come and get her baby, as no one was available to watch him. But in reality, I'd have been too shocked by her audacity to do anything but roll with it. I'd bet this mom pulls this kind of thing regularly because she never gets called on it.

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Me too. I would like to think I'd have called her right away to say there had been a misunderstanding (not on her part but mine for wrongly thinking I was dealing with a reasonable, normal person) and she needed to come and get her baby, as no one was available to watch him. But in reality, I'd have been too shocked by her audacity to do anything but roll with it. I'd bet this mom pulls this kind of thing regularly because she never gets called on it.

 

 

She does not have a cell phone and I know she lives far enough out of town that she would not have enough time to drive home and back during the party. Otherwise, I absolutely would have called her immediately. Not just because I felt she was a little nuts but because her 2 yo son was unconsolable for at least half of the party and the 4 yo never got over her anger over the treasure hunt. The 2 yo spilled lemonade all over himself and the diaper bag did not contain a change of clothing. Even if they had been invited, I would have called the mom under those circumstances. The mom who stayed to help even tried to help me brainstorm where she may have gone so we could call those places. Then we realized how nuts WE would sound asking the grocery store to make an announcement looking for this woman. That is how bad it was.....

 

During the pick-up, I did not mention that I thought she was rude or that her other two kids were really not invited (especially since they were standing right there), but I did tell her in what was obviously an irritated tone that her kids were miserable while she was gone. It did not seem to register at all which was why I decided right then that our kids were not going to be socializing under my solo watch again. We still see this family at group events and as far as I can tell they are pretty normal people. This was three years ago so maybe they have changed their policy. But I am not taking any chances! I like this woman a lot and I don't think she was purposely trying to take advantage. I think she really just thinks this was OK. And really, it was my bad for not being 100% clear when she first informed me of her family's "policy." I should have been more firm that the party was for a certain age range and that I was not OK with adding additional, younger children. I know she was rude to even ask and leaving the 2 yo was over the top, but I do share in some of the blame. Dh even pointed out that I should have expected the 2yo as he was "covered" under the family "policy." It did not even occur to me when she called that she meant the TODDLER too.

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I would never ask. While I hate to see anyone excluded, I have always told my kids fair does not always mean equal. It is fair to invite only the child you wish to invite unless there is a special circumstance, and putting the host on the spot by seeking another invitation is just not okay.

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Even if the party were for 2-year-olds and he had been invited, I can't imagine dropping off my child at the door and leaving without saying a word--unless I were trying to get away before the host had a chance to nix the idea. Maybe she's really that oblivious, but maybe she's just playing dumb. Either way, she took advantage of you. If the only motivation for the "family policy" is that no kid gets left out, she could have stayed herself.

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Looking at it from the other Mom's point of view, I say yes, it would be rude. This would stress me out because I would want to accommodate the asker, but would likely have a reason I hadn't invited the other child that I would want to share because it could hurt feelings. (The child is too young, who would watch them?, the birthday child chose who to invite, trying to keep it to a certain #, etc.)

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