Question about setting boundaries in light of Christ's commands.

[*********]

Ok, here's what Jesus says in the Sermon on the Mount:

 

You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.But I tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also.If anyone wants to sue you and take away your tunic, let him have your cloak also.And whoever compels you to go one mile, go with him two.Give to him who asks you, and from him who wants to borrow from you do not turn away. - Matthew 5:38-42

 

So, how do you reconcile this with setting healthy boundaries in your relationships?

 

For example, the latest ridiculousness with my mother, where she wanted me to not only menu plan and cook for dad, but grocery shop for the food as well. I set the boundary with her that i would not do the shopping. But in light of Christ's words here, perhaps I shouldn't have? Wouldn't that fall under the 'go the second mile'?

 

Anyone want to share some insight? I know my dh would NOT have approved of me taking on their shopping, and he is a Godly man. I want to discuss this passage with him this evening, but am not sure if I'm missing something.

 

And no offense, but I'm not looking for any opinions based solely on feelings. Can you tell me, BACKED WITH SCRIPTURE, why I shouldn't have just done what my mother wanted me to do, even though she was asking far too much of me.

 

I feel a bit lost here. :(

[Scarlett]

Ok, here's what Jesus says in the Sermon on the Mount:

 

You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.But I tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also.If anyone wants to sue you and take away your tunic, let him have your cloak also.And whoever compels you to go one mile, go with him two.Give to him who asks you, and from him who wants to borrow from you do not turn away. - Matthew 5:38-42

 

So, how do you reconcile this with setting healthy boundaries in your relationships?

 

For example, the latest ridiculousness with my mother, where she wanted me to not only menu plan and cook for dad, but grocery shop for the food as well. I set the boundary with her that i would not do the shopping. But in light of Christ's words here, perhaps I shouldn't have? Wouldn't that fall under the 'go the second mile'?

 

Anyone want to share some insight? I know my dh would NOT have approved of me taking on their shopping, and he is a Godly man. I want to discuss this passage with him this evening, but am not sure if I'm missing something.

 

And no offense, but I'm not looking for any opinions based solely on feelings. Can you tell me, BACKED WITH SCRIPTURE, why I shouldn't have just done what my mother wanted me to do, even though she was asking far too much of me.

 

I feel a bit lost here. :(

 

 

My understanding of that scripture is that it is referring to a person in position of authority over us. In fact, my translation says 'if a person under authority impresses a mile upon you, go two.'

 

A parent, once we are grown and on our own, would not fall into that catagory to me.

[Ellie]

So, is your mother an "evil person"? Was she persecuting you for being a Christian? Do your mother's wishes supercede those of your dh's? Would your own family--dc and dh--have suffered in any way if you had complied? Does your mother have a long history of bullying you into doing inappropriate things?

 

You can't battle using Scripture. There isn't always a single verse that can used to justify one's behavior. We have to take *all* of Scripture into account.

[Guest submarines]

Planning and cooking for your father was already the second mile. You're walking it.

[mommaduck]

nm

[*********]

So, is your mother an "evil person"? Was she persecuting you for being a Christian? Do your mother's wishes supercede those of your dh's? Would your own family--dc and dh--have suffered in any way if you had complied? Does your mother have a long history of bullying you into doing inappropriate things?

 

You can't battle using Scripture. There isn't always a single verse that can used to justify one's behavior. We have to take *all* of Scripture into account.

 

To answer your questions:

 

Yes, my mother is an evil person. She claims to be a believer, but there is no fruit in her life to point to as proof of that.

 

No, she wasn't persecuting me for being a Christian. She was trying to take advantage of me.

 

My dh's wishes supercede my mothers, of course.

 

My dc and dh would not have suffered if I had done mom's shopping.

 

Yes, my mother has a long history of bullying me.

 

Here's the thing. I could easily pick up the food when I go grocery shopping. It wouldn't put me out at all. And mom offered to reimburse me. But dh and i decided that I wouldn't do that. Kind of like a "What else is she going to ask me to do?!" sort of thing.

 

And now I'm wondering if we weren't just being petty, and I should have gone ahead and done it.

[JumpyTheFrog]

What if one of your kids used those verses to claim you had to do whatever they wanted all week? You would probably think, "That's rediculous. That can't be what Jesus meant."

 

Even Jesus didn't do everything and go everywhere people asked him. I think you are interpreting the verse too broadly, otherwise Jesus would've been sinning when he didn't stay as long in a town as people asked.

[JumpyTheFrog]

No, you weren't being petty! Your mom needs to learn not to pawn off all her work on others!

[*********]

Planning and cooking for your father was already the second mile. You're walking it.

 

Thank you. That *is* helpful.

[fairfarmhand]

I agree with Ellie in taking all of Scripture into account.

 

The book of Proverbs is simply full of how Godly people are supposed to deal with what the scripture labels as Foolish people. We are to turn from them, not to loan money to them, to avoid them.

 

I think that part of the Sermon on the Mount is telling us what our attitude is to be toward "enemies." We are to love them, pray for them, and serve them, but never unhealthily. Unbelievers in your situation might simply write off mother altogether. You were willing to take on HER job for her. (mostly because of your love for your dad) I believe that you already have gone the extra mile.

[JumpyTheFrog]

Think of it this way: As moms, often it isn't much extra work for us to do our kids chores for them. But in the long run, we aren't doing them a favor, because it is in their best interest to learn to do it themselves.

 

It's the same with your mom. She needs to learn to shop and cook for her own husband. What if you want to go on vacation? What if you are sick? She should be able to at least shop for him.

[justamouse]

I think a lot of this too, is out of your compassion for your father and not wanting him to suffer at the hands of your mother. Which, kinda, was his own decision.

[*********]

Thanks ladies. Since Dad's heart attack has opened up so many new situations in my life, I don't always know how to react, you know? And sometimes I feel so terribly conflicted. I don't want to add to my father's suffering in any way. And yet, I don't want my mother to control me, either. But if that's just my flesh rising up, I need to know it.

 

Sigh. I had no idea so many emotions could exist at the same time in my head.

 

i just want my dad to have whatever comfort I can give him, even at the expense of my pride. He's my earthly example of my heavenly Father. I adore him so much. I miss him. I wish I lived closer to him. I want to cry right now because my mom texted me that he's miserable in the hospital. I just want to show love to my daddy, that's all.

 

Sigh again.

[*********]

I think a lot of this too, is out of your compassion for your father and not wanting him to suffer at the hands of your mother. Which, kinda, was his own decision.

 

 

You are absolutely right, mouse. It is his own decision.

 

I was talking to a friend the other day, and she was asking why we don't just move dad in with us. I told her that dad would never do that, because it would upset mom. (Mom would be upset because that wouldn't look good, and mom is ALL about appearances.) The conversation with my friend really helped cement in my mind that dad is choosing this for himself.

[Parrothead]

I agree with the others. You've already gone the second mile. Probably even the third. Doing her shopping is beyond one's Christian duty. You have your own vocation (your family) to tend to. Your mother should be tending to hers.

[MercyA]

Bethany, what a great question. I really admire your ability to look at Scripture openly and honestly and your desire to obey it.

 

This would be my answer for this particular situation:

 

Knowing that your husband would disapprove is reason enough to not do the shopping. When in doubt, you can't go wrong obeying Ephesians 5:22-24, as long as your husband is not asking you to do what is clearly sinful.

 

However, if you *did* have your husband's approval, I think you should have done the shopping that particular time. Your mother was being selfish, but she wasn't asking you to do something sinful, or something that would harm your family. "Give to him who asks you, and from him who wants to borrow from you do not turn away" is pretty unequivocal.

 

That doesn't mean you couldn't sit down and have a discussion with your mom about the unreasonableness of her request later, and hopefully resolve the issue to your satisfaction.

 

Yes, it's hard. But right now, I can't think of anything *in Scripture* that would be a firm basis for you *not* doing it. I am open to correction, however, if there is something I am missing! :)

[mommaduck]

nm

[*********]

Bethany, what a great question. I really admire your ability to look at Scripture openly and honestly and your desire to obey it.

 

This would be my answer for this particular situation:

 

Knowing that your husband would disapprove is reason enough to not do the shopping. When in doubt, you can't go wrong obeying Ephesians 5:22-24, as long as your husband is not asking you to do what is clearly sinful.

 

However, if you *did* have your husband's approval, I think you should have done the shopping that particular time. Your mother was being selfish, but she wasn't asking you to do something sinful, or something that would harm your family. "Give to him who asks you, and from him who wants to borrow from you do not turn away" is pretty unequivocal.

 

That doesn't mean you couldn't sit down and have a discussion with your mom about the unreasonableness of her request later, and hopefully resolve the issue to your satisfaction.

 

Yes, it's hard. But right now, I can't think of anything *in Scripture* that would be a firm basis for you *not* doing it. I am open to correction, however, if there is something I am missing! :)

 

Thanks, Mercy. I appreciate your input.

[Ewe Mama]

Would you be able to have a heart to heart with your dad, to tell him how much he means to you? I remember that you said he wanted you there with him, more than he ever wanted his wife with him. To me, that speaks volumes. He knows you adore him and I'm sure he knows that you would do everything you can for him. He also knows his wife and her ability to manipulate. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of his physical regression is caused by the stress of being around her. He is living to see you and to be with you.

 

I know you want to make his life easier and more comfortable. In all honesty, I would have a very difficult time in your position. You want to be a blessing to your dad, while not letting your self-centered mother walk all over you. Where do you draw the line with your mom, without making your dad be the one to suffer? I can't answer that one.

 

Given your feelings for your dad, I would probably go ahead and do the shopping, too. I would also include a shopping fee for your mother, just to let her know that she is on the radar and you aren't letting it slide altogether. Let her know that she is hiring you to do the shopping, so she needs to pay for your time. The rest of it, meal planning and cooking for your dad, is a gift for him and him alone.

 

:grouphug:

 

Continuing to pray for you and your dad...

[happyhomemaker]

Bethany,

 

I believe that passage in Matthew is to remind us to give of ourselves generously even to those who may not deserve it. You have certainly done that for your mom and dad. The intent of the passage is not that we make ourselves slaves to whomever we come across in life. Like others have said, Jesus didn't concede to every request made of him and neither did the apostles. We are also called to encourage each other in righteousness. Your mother's treatment of your dad is blatant unrighteousness, and I think your firm but gentle refusal to help her continue in that error is a good, Biblical thing. It wasn't the wake-up call to her that it should have been, but that is her fault, not yours. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here- unless your dh tells you not to get the groceries. But I don't think there is anything sinful in not getting a grown woman's groceries for her. She is not cold, alone and helpless. She is an active, working adult who is choosing to be lazy and uncaring. The things you have already been doing for your parents are wonderful and you have definitely gone the extra mile. You do not need to extend that to enabling your mom's sin.

 

ETA Sorry if I was a little harsh about your mom. I've been following your story and praying, and I just find her treatment of you and your dad so upsetting. I also wanted to say that your faith has been so beautiful and apparent through all of this and I will be praying that your mom will eventually come to see that and desire it for herself.

[MercyA]

The intent of the passage is not that we make ourselves slaves to whomever we come across in life. Like others have said, Jesus didn't concede to every request made of him and neither did the apostles. We are also called to encourage each other in righteousness. Your mother's treatment of your dad is blatant unrighteousness, and I think your firm but gentle refusal to help her continue in that error is a good, Biblical thing.

 

I think this is good, sound, Biblical reasoning.

 

I also wanted to say that your faith has been so beautiful and apparent through all of this and I will be praying that your mom will eventually come to see that and desire it for herself.

 

:iagree: :grouphug: to you, Bethany.

[LostSurprise]

Chapter 5 is such a chapter of pithy statements because Jesus is talking about many subjects, shortly, to a large group of people. Its an overview of his teachings. In general, I find pithy statements to not make very good laws. They make great guidelines, but not laws.

 

I think to truly understand this passage you have to move down a few verses to 'love your enemies, bless those who curse you, pray for those how use you spitefully, etc.' Most of these metaphorical examples (turn the other cheek, go the second mile) are ones of violence. How do we deal with our enemies and their everyday force and violence? Remember, Jesus comes after the Maccabees and before the Roman fort outside of Jerusalem was destroyed by insurgents. Many people felt oppressed and many considered (or even did) violence of their own in retaliation. Moses' law (and eye for an eye) was handy religious rationalization.

 

In my opinion, the verse that fits you most is 'pray for those who spitefully use you.' Your mother uses you. Transform your anger and frustration into prayer for her.

 

Once your spirit is calm with this, then it will be easier to hear what God wants you to do with your mother. I don't think there's a law for that, its listening to the Spirit. I think either alternative (giving in to bless your father or holding a boundary which could teach your mother respect) could be within His plan.