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Need advice on delicate family situation ASAP


I.Dup.
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My BIL cheated on my sister after 20 years of marriage and he's now shacking up with his girlfriend who is 10 years younger. :glare: My sister ended up deciding to leave town. They have 4 children together, age 10-16.

 

I'd rather not get into my sister leaving town...it's such an ugly situation and I don't want this to turn into bashing her. :( But either way, he's trying to take care of their 4 kids while managing partying, drinking, and being with his girlfriend and her 2 kids 24/7.

 

I do not know my niece and my nephews very well, even though we have lived in the same town for 7 years. My sister and my BIL have kept them SO busy and in so many sports, activities, etc, that we were pretty much pushed out of their inner circle and didn't have much contact at all. They were very much all about appearances and we just didn't fit into their lifestyle, I guess.

 

Now that my sister is gone, I'm wondering what I can do to help with the kids. My BIL has his entire family here in town so he is not lacking in support or help, and the kids have lots of his family members that love them and are very involved in their life. So they are not being neglected by any means. But they no longer have a "mother figure" now that my sister has left.

 

I am going to be taking my niece out for lunch today. This is the first time I will have talked with her one-on-one in...ever? She is 16. What should I do/say? How involved should I get right off the bat? Should I bring up the whole situation and ask questions about how she is doing and how I can help? I don't want it to be awkward and crickets chirping the whole time, kwim? I really want her to know I'm here and care and want to help...but I'm not sure how to do that after not being involved in their lives.

 

ETA: My sister just left a couple of weeks ago and is going to be coming back to visit frequently but she is out of state and plans on living there long term. So this is all very recent still.

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I'd let her lead the way.

 

Despite her being family, you don't have an established relationship. I'd let her know that you'd like to be closer, if she has anything you can help w/you'd be there in a heartbeat, but I don't think I'd go any further than that. If you can find a way to acknowledge that things are difficult for her right now, and that if she wants/needs you, to let you know...that would be as far as I think I'd go.

 

16 yos can be difficult creatures in a normal every day situation. This is bound to make things a billion times worse, so I'd tread very carefully and lightly. She may take her anger out w/her mother on you, b/c you're there and she's not, kwim? So, be prepared for her mood to be all over the place. At the same time, any criticism of her mother, real or imagined on her part, may have her very, very defensive.

 

Plan on walking a tight rope over a mine field. If that's *not* how it turns out, then, fantastic...but extra care and caution wouldn't be a bad thing, imo.

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Thank you both. I would never criticize my sister (I actually don't blame her at all for leaving) or my BIL in front of their kids. Ever. I will be careful with what I say and I'm not the type to force contact or affection or anything like that...so this kind of situation is hard for me to figure out.

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What kinds of questions should I ask a 16 year old that aren't prying but can keep the conversation moving so it's not awkward? She is in lots of sports, has a boyfriend, etc. Should I just keep asking about her sports (I know nothing about sports)...?

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Have you talked to your sister since she has left town? Does she want you contacting your niece now? What does your BIL say about you getting together with your niece? What about the other children?

 

 

Just questions, no answers!

 

Myra

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Have you talked to your sister since she has left town? Does she want you contacting your niece now? What does your BIL say about you getting together with your niece? What about the other children?

 

 

Just questions, no answers!

 

Myra

 

Yep, I talk to my sister often. At first she didn't seem to want to ask me to do anything (probably because she thinks I'm super busy with all my kids), but now she suggested texting my niece and mentioned taking her out, so I immediately did that. :) My BIL will know that I'm taking her out, yes. I don't have direct contact with him, but plan on giving him my number.

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I'd let her lead the way.

 

Despite her being family, you don't have an established relationship. I'd let her know that you'd like to be closer, if she has anything you can help w/you'd be there in a heartbeat, but I don't think I'd go any further than that. If you can find a way to acknowledge that things are difficult for her right now, and that if she wants/needs you, to let you know...that would be as far as I think I'd go.

 

16 yos can be difficult creatures in a normal every day situation. This is bound to make things a billion times worse, so I'd tread very carefully and lightly. She may take her anger out w/her mother on you, b/c you're there and she's not, kwim? So, be prepared for her mood to be all over the place. At the same time, any criticism of her mother, real or imagined on her part, may have her very, very defensive.

 

Plan on walking a tight rope over a mine field. If that's *not* how it turns out, then, fantastic...but extra care and caution wouldn't be a bad thing, imo.

 

Impish and I don't agree very often, but having a daughter that age, I think she is dead-on accurate here.

 

I wish you the best, and bless you for trying to help in this awful situation.

 

I honestly don't know what parents are thinking sometimes. It hurts at any age when the parents split. You can be 60 and it will hit you like a ton of bricks! But it really messes with you in your teens and creates a lot of trust issues. Maybe you can help her still trust people.

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Just be her friend. :) Chat about the things that you'd chat about with a new young friend, like school and her activities and her interests.

 

I agree that you need to tread lightly. I also think it's important to let her know she can rely on you right now if she needs to, even if you approach it with an off-hand, "I've really enjoyed your company. Let's do this again. Here's my number, I hope you know you can call me any time if you just want to go have coffee or shopping together."

 

:grouphug:

 

Cat

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Perhaps you could be honest with her, that you haven't been involved but that you are willing to help out given the current situation. You could ask her if she can recommend anything that you could/should do that would be helpful to the other children. She might not open up about herself but might be more forthcoming with someone who respected her opinion regarding her siblings.

 

IME, teens love it best when they are treated like adults as much as possible. Give her the role of expert in the situation. She knows what is going right and what is going wrong. She knows the needs. Let her advise you regarding how best to proceed. Then I think it would be much more likely that she would be supportive of any thing you try to do, since she would have had a hand in determining it. "I'd like to help. You are the expert. What do you want me to do that would actually be helpful to you guys?"

 

They may have achieved a precarious balance and any interference would cause more problems than it would solve. Or, they may be falling apart at the seams and in desperate need of someone to meet with Johnny's teacher, take Susie bra shopping, support Tina in ditching an abusive boyfriend and discovering why Tim's grades have suddenly and mysteriously plummeted. Only they know what they really need. I would encourage being sensitive to their perceived needs, not what you think they need, especially in the beginning.

 

Good luck and bless you for caring enough to try to help. Just in case, I'd suggest you wear your flame-proof undies and a slip and slide on your back. It could be rough at the beginning.

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