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Is it ever appropriate to ask this?


kbpaulie
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Please, I am not trying to be a vulture in thinking this or asking this, so pelase be patient w/ me...

 

About 5 years ago we were in a church small group with a couple for about 2 years. We've ALWAYS loved their larger 4 bdrm house, which may or may not be w/i our budget. The wife just passed away. I mean just. So I feel terrible in even thinking this, but.... if at some point we wanted to contact the husband and let him know that if he, at any point, considers selling the house to please keep us in mind, when would a be a good time to do this? It's WAY to early, fresh and raw now. Not something I would do at this point!!!!!

 

Is this anything that would be appropriate at any point in time? Would you send a letter or set up a time to get together? (We no longer attend the same church and hand't seen one another for about 3-4 years.) (If you have a personal connection w/ the loss of a loved one can you please be sure to mention this also b/c it's more than just a general opinion then.) We're not in contact w/ him much so we'd likely not hear if he were planning to sell.

 

If it matters - There children are all grown. They do have grand & great-grand children. They were in there 60s and married 40+ years. It was a very sudden death.

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egads - in their 60's? dh is in his 60's.

 

anyway - it would generally be considered tacky. BUT, you can ask, in person, what their plans are? staying or moving? as though it was just part of "catching up", and proceed from there. *if* they say "moving", you can let them know how much you've loved the house, and that you might be interested.

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Wow, I guess everyone else feels differently, but I would send a polite letter after six months have gone by. My aunt always loved a particular house and wrote a letter to the owner asking to buy it if she ever wanted to sell. After years the owner contacted her and my aunt had the house within a week. My aunt's boss was very unhappy because his wife had always wanted the house and was annoyed that her husbands secretary was the new owner, but hey, my aunt wrote the letter. If it is a really great house it may not go on the market even if he wants to sell.

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I guess I am much older than you (since 60s seem like too young to die- here, in our church and area, most who die are more like in their 80s or 90s). Anyway, I know many people who scaled down their homes- none were recently widowed people and not at that age. I have known several late 50 year olds to 60 year olds who trade larger, more basic homes for fancier, newer smaller homes but these have all been couples. The elderly widows or widowers I have known who scaled down normally did so after health problems of their own and those are usually ten or more years down the road to where the person needs to move into a retirement home, with relatives, etc. I don't know anyone in their 60s who has done so.

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Never. What strikes me is that you're not even in contact with him. What I hear is a call/note from a long lost friend saying 'wow real bummer about your wife, can I have your house now?" If it's not out of your way, drive by regularly. If you see a sign in the yard, phone the real estate agent asap to get the asking price. But I think it would be highly insensitive to just ask outright, at any time. I really can't imagine how I would feel if I was that poor man.

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If it comes up in conversation that he's planning to sell, I think you can tell him that you'd be interested to buy. Otherwise, nope.

 

ETA: Thinking more, obviously this is not a solution, but in the past, before she died, you totally *could* have said something, because it would have been a compliment to their home, said in passing, and no big deal - it would have clearly been about the general future. But now it does feel vulture-esque.

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My father got a home by writing a letter to a stranger indicating interest in the home if they ever wanted to sell--but he had the interest in preserving a historical home and had already done the research to have a pretty good idea that it was in his price range. They were actively looking for a home but had time to wait.

 

It doesn't sound like you necessarily are looking for a home, only that you thought this one, which might or might not be in your price range, might come on the market due to the death of your former friend. In that case, I think it is vulturous to send any kind of communication any time soon. I'm not sure with someone you know, but aren't in contact with, if it would ever be appropriate since as long as the death of his wife is what's making you think he might be interested. A lot of men remarry very quickly though. At that point, it would be more appropriate to write. Or wait a few years if he remains a widower. You could first do your market research to find out if you can pay full value (that's what you pay when you ask to be first in line. People aren't usually interested in price reductions before they've tested the market), and then send a note saying if they'd ever like to sell, you'd be interested because you love the house.

 

Generally, though, I'd let it go mentally. Now is not the time to be thinking about it.

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I know I hate it. My mother's home is unique and very scenic. I hate it when people ask if we ever want to sell it contact them. After my father died several requests. Literally I was answering the door to personal requests while trying to plan a funeral. It was just terrible! I honestly can not ever imagine letting any of those people have it. As you can tell I am a bit attached but most people are to their childhood homes.

 

I know you are planning to wait awhile but it is worse when I or she knows the people. It feels like people are forcing a decision that we are not ready to make.

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I'm trying to think of any widows or widowers I know who sold the house after the spouse died. None of them! Don't say anything. I'm sorry but you may well look like a vulture, especially since you haven't been in touch for several years.

 

Sorry!

my mil did.

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The only possibly polite way I can imagine making that request is if you are close with someone else who is close to the widower and can ask that person to let you know if the house will go on the market. Even that is iffy, IMHO. Keep an eye out for a sale sign, otherwise. Too much risk of hurting someone who is already hurting.

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