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Book recommendations for dealing w/ in-laws?


Skadi
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Yes, it's the holidays. I need a secular, non-fluffy, practical yet uplifting book about how to deal with ILs. Our ILs do not share our religious views, holiday traditions, politics, child raising philosophy, you name it. I've passed so much bean dip, I feel like my arm is going to fall off. On top of that, they are totally unwilling to compromise on anything. If I cook something, they will not. Even. Try. It. If we want to listen to any holiday music that isn't the exact same cds they always listen to, they turn it off. Theres much more (of a personal nature) but I don't want to get into it. I feel like I'm trapped in a no-win situation and although I really TRY to remember not to take it personally and focus on what is and isn't in my power to control, I'm just at the end of my rope.

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there is a book on boundaries that has been recommended a number of times on list.

 

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life

 

oh - this has nothing to do with religious or political views - they could be exactly the same as yours and you'd still be having problems because "the problem" is a lack of boundaries.

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there is a book on boundariesthat has been recommended a number of times on list.

 

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life

 

oh - this has nothing to do with religious or political views - they could be exactly the same as yours and you'd still be having problems because "the problem" is a lack of boundaries.

 

 

 

I agree. I was just going to recommend this book as well. Someone gave it to me. One of the best gifts ever. ;)

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What if, they happen to be your own flesh & blood, i.e your close family?

 

The only reading I recommend is to read up 'narcissism' & 'dysfunctional families' on wikipedia.

 

I believe, no book would teach you how to deal with difficult or abusive elders - sorry I've tried reading books but the ultimate solution I came to was that I only have so much time available in my life and it's best to to live & let live.

 

There is no win, win solution because their way of thinking is geared into this control freakery and dysfunctional families are used to the domineering role: 'only I am right' attitude while casting the other as the sacrificial lamb or scapegoat. No amount of communication will work (that is, if they allow you to communicate).

 

This negativity may because of a lack of broad education, negative beliefs, fears, incorrect cognitive thought processes, or part of symptoms of an illness like IBS, CF, candidiasis, hypoglycemia, diabetes, celiac disease etc.

 

We can't change our families, only ourselves. We can can only try to help them, if they really want our help - without destroying our souls.

 

There's only so much a person can take. For our peace of mind, we try & save our own sanity and get on with home education as best as we can, leaving those who do not want to get along, understand or care, out of our lives, while praying for them and us all.

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I just read the Boundaries book. It has changed my life. I did want to say that it is written by a Christian and he quotes scripture. You asked for secular. I think it would still be worth reading, but those parts might bother you. He also usually speaks as if he is addressing Chrisitians (his primary audience). Page number 109, for example, says about his Myth #2: Many Christians fear that setting and keeping limits signals rebellion, or disobedience. I would like to restate, though, that I found this book to be very worthwhile. It is not overstating to say that it is changing my life.

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Nothing to do with ILs but Why Marriages Succeed or Fail by John Gottman taught me a LOT about how other people tick. I have found the advice actually more useful in my non-marriage relationships. Short, secular, easy-breezy read.

 

I learned that left "unexamined" my behavior is "stonewalling". I was taught that if you were going to say something unpleasant, better to just shut up until you can control yourself. I have discovered that this, which worked in my childhood because we understood it and certainly reopened the situation when everyone is calmer, really hacks some people off, because they take my silence as rejection.

 

Just a thought.

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It's both Garden Mom. It's a way to understand the behaviors of "the others" with "whatever" issue at hand, and how to internalize and change YOUR behavior to the other people. It's amazing how the patterns reveal themselves, but to step out and look at situations analytically I think is pretty important.

 

It has mostly to do with attachment, and the removing of emotions, and stopping the instinct to "fix" things in relationships.

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there is a book on boundariesthat has been recommended a number of times on list.

 

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life

 

oh - this has nothing to do with religious or political views - they could be exactly the same as yours and you'd still be having problems because "the problem" is a lack of boundaries.

 

 

Exactly the book that I was going to recommend. Excellent!

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