Christmas and gift giving relatives - anyone else have these issues?

[countrygal]

I dread Christmas more and more each year. I don't want to - but I feel overloaded by all the gifts my children receive. 4 'grandparent sets' (divorced, great grandparents) x4 gifts per child x4 children = 64 presents. I haven't counted their aunts and uncles yet. I feel like they have made my children ungrateful. Also, I feel like I can never buy anything for them because it's just not special anymore. I have tried talking to them. ALL are like "but we want to, I love buying gifts." They have gotten defensive. So now I'm the mean nasty one. They think I don't appreciate all the "thought and money" that goes into this. My love language is definately not gift giving. I don't want anything. I don't want to buy anything for anyone either. I've tried "let's pool the money and give it to' charity" and "let's go to a waterpark for a day" instead. That's what we were supposedly going to do when my mom said "Well, I already bought them each a few things." I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I have given about 12 van loads (LOADS) of stuff to thrift stores this past year. Yet they still have totes of toys. What's worse is I think they are not appreciative of a few really quality items instead of the quantity. Plus, certain gift givers are good at open all the packages right away so they can't be returned. Anyone have this problem? How have you tried to address it? It's too late for this year but is there a way to do this without offending anyone? A letter to everyone about gift giving regulations for my family? Is that rediculous? My sister tried this with her FIL and he flipped out at her yelling that he can do whatever he wants for his granddaughter. Maybe, I should just keep purging stuff as it keeps coming in. That doesn't address the lack of 'specialness' that come with receiving a gift. What would you do? TIA

[Joker]

Could you try looking at it differently? Like, how blessed you are that so many care for your kids? I received lots of gifts from gps and extended family growing up and wasn't ungrateful or spoiled. I still appreciated the nice things, and I have very fond memories of all my family. My dds get a few things from my mom, rarely anything from my in-laws, and my dad is dead, so I kind of wish I had your problem. Not saying that snarky, just the grass is always greener, I guess.

[QueenCat]

Honestly, I've felt that way at times but I think more harm than good can come to the relationships if you tell people that they can't buy your kids gifts. If asked for suggestions, then the memory makers are good ones to suggest (like museum passes, theater tickets, etc).

[bolt.]

In, like, April, call each person and say, "I'm wanting to give you fair warning, in case you are Christmas shopping already. I am imposing a limit on how many gifts our will be accepting this year, and for the foreseeable future. You may give one gift. It may have different parts, but only if all the parts come wrapped together in one box of reasonable size. The retail value of the gifts should not be more than about XX per child. Less is fine, of course. It's a limit, not an expectation.

 

I think this limit will be good for all of us, but I thought you might object that you love to be generous. We love that you love to be generous... here are a few non-present ideas just in case you would like to give more than the one-present limit. You can give "experiences as gifts" by buying tickets or gift certificates for local attractions, events or lessons. We will also accept gift certificates for book stores, if that is something that interests you. If your urge to be generous is still more abundant, please consider opening a savings fund and providing the lasting gift of long term investments for college, wedding or the expense of a down payment on a home. We know you love to give. We adore your generous spirit. We'd just like to live with less stuff. We need to live with less stuff. Please limit yourself to only one physical present per child.

[beaners]

If the kids hadn't already opened some of the stuff (because who can hide 4 large garbage bags full of presents just from my in-laws, plus several other boxes and bags?), I would have loved to take a photo of my children in front of the tree on Christmas morning with all of the gifts just to make my point. All of the gifts stacked up on top of each other and piled against the wall would take up half of my boys' room.

 

Gifts are clearly not my love language either. I feel like I'm drowning in all the gifts my children receive. I try to remember that it's just how people show their love, but I'm being smothered in my own house. My own mother always sends gift cards or memberships because she knows how overwrought I get with all the excess. She would love to pick out lots of things for my children too, but she tries to do what she can to make my life a little easier. I love her so much for it.

[Rosie_0801]

Limiting the gifts won't make your kids appreciative and you can't change your relatives without hurting their feelings. No one takes it well when you ask them to treat their grandkids as though they don't like them.

 

I think you'd do better making a rule that your kids each give a gift to everyone who gives them one. My Christmas list was 30 people long when I was a kid, though that included all the cousins who never gave me anything in their lives. I decorated cookies, I drew pictures, I saved my almost non-existent pocket money to buy a chocolate ginger bar for my grandfather every year, etc.

 

And yes, keep purging. Think of that sense of accomplishment you'll get every time you do, and mentally thank your relatives for supplying the opportunity. :p (Ok, that might not work, but maybe it will since they give you so much practice!)

[BrookValley.]

I know how you feel. I truly appreciate the sentiment behind every gift that any person gives my child, but is just TOO much. My kiddo doesn't play with 90% of it, and he definitely doesn't appreciate any of it because there is a constant flow of junk through the house. I also don't have enough room for it or a way to keep everything organized, and clutter truly makes me physically ill. I've started throwing tons of stuff away (none of our thrift stores will take toys), and so now I feel sick on account of all the waste. I really can't handle the wastefullness, but the stuff just sits around. It isn't played with, and the kiddo doesn't even care if i tell him I'm throwing it away. So, I've stopped being nice, and just started telling people that things will be thrown away, but they don't listen. My in-laws are pretty tame, but always manage to buy several cheap plastic, obnoxious noise-making things that end up breaking and/or getting thrown away pretty quickly, no matter how many times I tell them they are going to get thrown away. My mother is the worst--not only is it about quantity, but it's about cost, too. She always wants to buy the biggest, most obnoxious, most expensive things she can find, no matter how many times she's told the kid would really rather just play with Legos. I have an effin' moonbounce on my basement stairwell, for cripe's sake. A ginormous, inflateable thing that has only been used a handful of times and probably cost a grand. I finally had to tell her that, basically, I would not allow her to give things that were innapropriate (that's another subject) or excessive. Now I'm "ruining his childhood" (the latest argument was over an ATV. An actual gas-powered, kid-sized, ATV. For my FIVE year old) because I won't let her give him things that we deem innapropriate for our child. She's even tried lying to get us to cave. Last Christmas she told me she'd bought him a battery-powered, ride-in Mini Cooper and she "couldn't return it," so we had to give it to him or she'd be out X amount of dollars. I called her bluff and told her sorry, that's sad, but I bet it'll make a slick coffee table in your living room. :glare: And yes, nothing we give is special enough. She always, always has to out-do us and have the "biggest" gift. I'm just sick of it. I want Christmas to be fun again.

 

Sorry, no great suggestions here, but I really understand where you are coming from.

[UrbanSue]

I don't think you can or should limit how people give gifts. If they ask, have some suggestions ready. We have four sets of grandparents all of whom are still assuaging divorce/remarriage guilt, plus grandparents, plus four sets of aunts and uncles. Plus we are the only kids in our family and the only kids in our church. It gets BAD.

 

I would suggest having your kids donate to Goodwill or whatever at least once a year, preferably in the fall, from their own toys stashes. . And maybe also have them buy Toys for Tots gifts with their own money or something (they could earn it by having a yard sale!). And I also like the idea of having to give gifts to everyone who gives gifts to them. And, definitely, handwritten, thoughtful thank-you notes.

[LMA]

Part of proper gift-giving is receiving graciously. Just tell the kids to say or write "thank you." Be appreciative that people enjoy giving to your kids. What you do with the gift is your business (donate it, use it, enjoy it, re-gift it, etc.). Please don't tell the recipient what you have done with the gifts. Also, it is not required that you reciprocate with a gift because that gets into the situation of telling the kids that you only give to those who give you something and it implies that you "owe" someone when they give you a gift. If they want to give something, then that is different.

 

It is not proper to try to tell people what to buy or not to buy either. So just say thank you and the stress will be a lot less.

[kwg]

How old are your kids? What makes you think they do not appreciate what they get?

 

We get a lot of things also, so I am wondering.

[ksr5377]

We also have this issue. After several different attempts at conversation addressing this issue, I am just letting it go. It would hurt everyone's feeling so much that I don't think it's worth it. This is the first year that I have actually tried to give them all ideas, instead of telling them they don't have to buy my children gifts. Because they do anyways, so this year I feel like I have a little more control. While it is annoying to deal with sorting through things later for donations, I know that it's not about me but about all my family members showing their love to my children. Also, since we don't live close to any of them, this is really one of the only ways they have, as spending lots of time together isn't really an option.

[TravelingChris]

My MIL used to give some gifts that were okay and others that weren't. We just thanked her and gave away the gifts that weren't right for our kids or a replicate of what they already had. We tried to influnece her but it didn't work. She has been gone for 16 years now and they never got anymore presents from their grandfather. He did send money for a few years and then nothing. It is all okay.

[Pippen]

Keep purging. I wrote a letter to my mom when my children were very young and it hurt her deeply.

[Catwoman]

I dread Christmas more and more each year. I don't want to - but I feel overloaded by all the gifts my children receive. 4 'grandparent sets' (divorced, great grandparents) x4 gifts per child x4 children = 64 presents. I haven't counted their aunts and uncles yet. I feel like they have made my children ungrateful. Also, I feel like I can never buy anything for them because it's just not special anymore. I have tried talking to them. ALL are like "but we want to, I love buying gifts." They have gotten defensive. So now I'm the mean nasty one. They think I don't appreciate all the "thought and money" that goes into this. My love language is definately not gift giving. I don't want anything. I don't want to buy anything for anyone either. I've tried "let's pool the money and give it to' charity" and "let's go to a waterpark for a day" instead. That's what we were supposedly going to do when my mom said "Well, I already bought them each a few things." I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I have given about 12 van loads (LOADS) of stuff to thrift stores this past year. Yet they still have totes of toys. What's worse is I think they are not appreciative of a few really quality items instead of the quantity. Plus, certain gift givers are good at open all the packages right away so they can't be returned. Anyone have this problem? How have you tried to address it? It's too late for this year but is there a way to do this without offending anyone? A letter to everyone about gift giving regulations for my family? Is that rediculous? My sister tried this with her FIL and he flipped out at her yelling that he can do whatever he wants for his granddaughter. Maybe, I should just keep purging stuff as it keeps coming in. That doesn't address the lack of 'specialness' that come with receiving a gift. What would you do? TIA

 

 

OK, your love language isn't gift-giving, but clearly it's the way your relatives show their love. Additionally, maybe the gifts mean a lot to your kids, and I think it's kind of mean to try to limit the number of gifts that people give your kids, just because it's a nuisance for you. (And I don't intend this in a snarky way, but if you're telling them they shouldn't be buying the gifts, they are right when they say that you don't appreciate all of the love and money that goes into all that they do for your kids.)

 

The kids are only young once. Let them enjoy their gifts. I can almost guarantee you that, when they get older, they'll sit around and reminisce about all the great presents they used to get for Christmas when they were kids and teenagers.

 

If you're feeling sort of competitive with all of the relatives, and think they're giving your kids better gifts than you are, be sure to emphasize the other fun aspects of Christmas, like trimming the tree, having a special Christmas breakfast, or whatever.

[*Lulu*]

Okay, but where does the OP get to draw the line. Where does she get to say, "I live here too, and I do not want to live in a toy bin."; where do her needs fall?

[Joker]

Okay, but where does the OP get to draw the line. Where does she get to say, "I live here too, and I do not want to live in a toy bin."; where do her needs fall?

 

I guess I don't see it as a 'need'. I see it as a desire or want just as the extended family desires/wants to give lots of gifts. To spare feelings, since it's not a need, I think the OP should just continue to donate what they don't like or want. Let the kids play with it all for a while and then start getting rid of what they don't really want. No one's feelings will be hurt going this route. The OP isn't getting what she wants but I don't think she's missing out on a need. Basically, I would suck it up to get along.

[Dmmetler]

We run into this, especially since DD's birthday is so close to Christmas that, often, even a great Christmas present ends up being redundant with something she just got for her birthday. Add that to the fact that some of our extended family seem to think that she's about 3 years younger than she is, and it leads to a lot of perfectly nice gifts, just not for her. So we keep a box in the closet that includes any gifts that are nice, but not things DD terribly likes, and anything that I've purchased throughout the year as birthday gift items (I buy good gift items when they're on sale to maintain a closet of gift options for DD to pick from) and not used. We put those together in a box, usually do a shopping trip and buy a few more good items to donate and then take them all to the nice Marine manning the Toys for Tots drop off. DD really seems to enjoy the idea that some child will have a nicer holiday because she gave away the 2nd and third Princess Tiana doll or the nth Polly Pocket set, and it avoids her room just exploding with toys that she doesn't play with.

 

One of my friends, each year, has her daughter select at least one toy per year of her child's age for Santa to pick up to take back to the North Pole to recycle into new toys-she lays them out on Christmas Eve, and then her parents make them vanish while she sleeps. Her DD is 9 and still falls for it-or at least, pretends to do so.

[countrygal]

Thanks for all the replies. It has helped me rethink things a lot. I realized that my children are very appreciative of their gifts, it's more my issue with just too much stuff and my desire to live simply. I want to avoid materialism and it's difficult when people are giving us so many things. Does a 4 year old need another doll when she has 8? And then she couldn't find the one that's legs kept falling off she started crying because she realized I probably got rid of it. So how am I suppose to make her 'decide' on which 2-3 she wants to keep and give the rest away. Doesn't work. I feel like I spend my life shuffling stuff around. And my house is organized. Everything has bins and places to be, but I'm tried of putting it there! Teaching kids day in and day out about putting this away is exhausting. Maybe it'll pay off in a few years. The influx of stuff means I have to find a place for it. This actually isn't just a Christmas problem, it just peaks this time of year! My kids LOVE doing other traditions for Christmas. We make homemade ornaments, and cookies and breads to give away. We take out special decorations. We sing songs and read stories about Christmas. This is a good reminder that our Christmas are great and I need to quit being such a Scrooge. My kids attitudes are full of excitement and gratitude. I'm not going to write a letter or say anything about it because it would hurt my feelings. The grandparents asked for lists of what this kids like - a huge plus for this year!!

[Catwoman]

Countrygal, it's perfectly understandable that you don't want your kids to be materialistic, but you mentioned more than once in your post that they're very appreciative and grateful for their gifts, so I don't think you have anything to worry about.

 

I don't think materialism is a bad thing in and of itself. Wanting things isn't a crime, and can actually lead to ambitious kids who grow up to work hard so they can afford the things they want. I suspect what you really mean is that you don't want them to have a sense of greed or entitlement, and it truly doesn't sound like that's a problem at all with your kids.

 

Merry Christmas to you and your family!

[cathmom]

There is no way to get relatives to change. Been there, done that, didn't make a difference, hurt people's feelings...don't try it.

[goldberry]

Part of proper gift-giving is receiving graciously.

 

I agree. Making rules telling someone else what and how much to give is not gracious. In fact, although the issues you are dealing with are absolutely real, I think it's somewhat rude. Find a way to deal with your issues (purging more often, whatever) without hurting the feelings of others who are merely being loving and generous. Be grateful you have that many loving people in your life and accept the gift clutter as the price to pay.

 

Note, I think dropping some hints is appropriate, but if they didn't get it, let it go and move on.

[Hypatia.]

I can totally understand, we're in the same situation. I did try to explain just after Thanksgiving that we were overflowing in *stuff* and that the kids were overwhelmed, but we'll just have to see how it works out. Two kids per (small) bedroom, with one bedroom to get a 3rd roommate shortly. I'm just constantly purging, trying to keep on top of things as much as I can. Plus my kids don't really have that many toys that they want to receive, so a lot of the ones that come in just don't get played with and then I feel guilty when I purge them several months down the road. This year I also sent a list of activity suggestions (Brainpop family subscription, zoo membership, membership to the local indoor playplace) that would be awesome gifts that my kids would really enjoy but I know that's not as fun as buying toys. However, after two sets of grandparents each get identical stuffed raccoons for each of my 4 kids (for the "I know we haven't talked to you in months" guilt gift), I just feel like there's not much I can do about it.

 

I am, however, making a mental note of this for when I am the grandma.

[kubiac]

Any chance you can "store" some of the toys/dolls/stuff at the GP's houses? Just say we want the kids to have familiar stuff when they come visit, can this live over there? We do this all the time with the stuff from the grandparents. If they want to buy a giant thing (huge teddy bear from Costco, ride-on car, rocking horse, etc.), great, but it has to live at their house.

 

In any case, sounds like you're doing great. And purge without guilt. Just let it all go. The kids may cry once in a while and the GPs may frown that such-and-such toy was donated to charity, but it sounds like they (both kids and adults) can be redirected to a million other things or activities. Tell them you have a policy of low-clutter and toy rotation and sharing your blessings, and everyone else can just cope. And they will.

[Zebra]

This really is a tough thing to deal with. Some families are ridiculous when it comes to gift giving, and frankly it's kind of digusting when it gets to a certain level.

 

I don't think you can make them stop. It's unfortunate, but it's how people are. They aren't being generous, they just find it fun to buy a bunch of crap. They aren't really thinking about you or your kids so don't feel guilty if you get rid of it.

 

I would start saying that X can live at Grandma's(or whoever). And when they start getting upset just calmly say, "Oh, well, we simply don't have the space at our house." They will get mad at you, but be polite and firm. I actually live in small house, and got a table and chair set for my daughter. 6 months later someone got the same table and chair set. I explained that we already had this exact set, and that we did not have room for it and it would have to live at their house. They were not happy, but I literally did not have the space for it. On top of that I did not have a car big enough to even drag the set home.

 

Another thing is, you can bring the stuff home (and after 6 hours of dragging it all inside) explain that we can't keep all this stuff and most of it has to go to Goodwill where someone who actually needs it can get it. This worked well in my house. Once we sorted through all the stuff we already had or didn't want, there wasn't that much left. And I would do this ASAP and put it right back in the car in bags and take it to Goodwill ASAP. Dragging it all to Goodwill is a pain, but at least you don't have to keep it at your house. Inevitably someone will ask later where X is, and your child will say that you gave it to Goodwill. But, you just have to not be embarassed about it.

[Guest]

I have had this problem, too. I totally sympathize in multiple ways. Gift-giving is not my love language. I worried that it made my kids unappreciative because they were flooded with gifts. I also carted zillions of things to Goodwill. When my oldest was 3, she had a huge tantrum in the middle of Christmas, which was not like her, but she was clearly overwhelmed with all the gifts and commotion. It also stunk because this was before we had done our own gifts and by the time we got to that, she didn't care about it anymore. I hated it with a fiery passion. In my family, it was mainly my mother and one of my sisters who had no children. They were big yard sale/thrift store shoppers and would give my kids BOXES of books, toys and clothes. One year, when my son was interested in hot wheels cars, my mother gave him an enormous box of about 100 cars she had gotten second hand. It was a HUGE disappointment to me because getting five new cars for his birthday or in his stocking was trivial after getting all the cars he could ever want as one gift.

 

I don't think there is any way to do this without hurting feelings. If you cannot risk that, you won't be able to change it. If you can risk it, you might be able to change it, but know that it will hurt feelings. If someone's love language IS gifts, that is like rejecting their love. I know it is like this for my mother and probably was for my sister, too. (She died a few years ago.) My mother did seem to get the message eventually, but I still believe it hurt her feelings. It was mostly my repeatedly saying, "They have SO much stuff already," and "I constantly take things to Goodwill, because we just cannot possibly use all the books, toys and clothing they have."

 

:grouphug: I totally understand the problem and it is not easily solved.

[Maela]

I totally know what you're talking about! I have the same problem. Like another poster said, I feel like I'm being smothered every Christmas. It literally makes me sick to my stomach. And just like you said, I feel like I can't buy my own kids much at all, because everyone else gets them all they need and much more.

 

I try to give gift-giving instructions every year to family, and I just end up feeling like a grouchy person and a mean parent. So I think next year I'm just going to really stress memory-making gifts (experiences) like a trip to a museum, the movies, the zoo, making something with ______, etc. I'll even tell the kids about all the places they could ask to go to or things they can do with their relatives and encourage them to mention those things when they are asked what they want.

[elegantlion]

I'm a gifts person, I understand your viewpoint, but I'm in the camp of you can't change the relatives. I would try a few things:

 

- change the focus to how wonderful it is that your kids have so much family that cares for them. I had zero real relationship with my grandparents, it kind of sucked. The one grandmother that was around was an alcoholic and gave really interesting gifts, like lace handkerchiefs to 8 year old girls. Not because she thought we should all carry them, but they were probably on sale at the store. I know my son, who is very close to my parents, has a totally different view of grandparents than I do. It's not something that can easily be replicated or replaced.

 

- create wish lists. Amazon has wish lists, you can even put on things that aren't on Amazon. Ask for things that would be helpful, like memberships or school books, or hobby items. Those have come in very handy in the last few years.

 

- the reality is the toy phase doesn't last forever. Ds is 15, he no longer needs or wants toys. It changes Christmas in a way I hadn't realized until this year. I walked through the toy aisle and sighed last week.

 

- For family that you can talk to about the abundance of gifts discuss looking more long-term. Instead of more toys, perhaps a savings bond or something to save for college or expenses down the road.

 

- Create a gift closet (yeah, like we all have "extra" closet space) - Put the unplayed with toys in a cabinet and bring them out at different points in the year. Regift them if necessary. return some if possible.

 

- It does get better. Ds had a ton of toys. We have a place for everything and everything in its place. There were a few years those odd size large toys seemed to overwhelm his space, they were hard to organize. Those have all gone on to someone else (and probably someone else by now).

[Supertechmom]

I found one way was to "purge" when said grandparents were coming over. It helped to see bags of stuff sitting at the door ready to go. It helped to see their rooms still crammed with stuff. Everything is a competition And it wasn't about their love language. They just didn't want to be outdone by the "other side" Always one upping the other. Heck, my MIL even tried to one up Santa Clause. I finally just said "we allow toys x, y, z . you can agree or not but nothing else comes in the house besides those toys. And for every toy that comes in , one toy goes out. Kids choice."

 

it did create a lot of drama but gee whiz.... Everyone trying to top the other and have the best and shiniest toy isn't about gift giving. So I didn't mind feelings getting hurt. I decided the adults could start acting like adults and get back to giving gifts for the love of the child and not for the "HeHeHe, I outdid them this year!" They were not the ones dealing with overloaded children and overstuffed rooms and what to do with all the junk. IF they found out one side gave a book, then they gave 10. IF one side gave a remote control car, the other gave one twice as big. We wound up one year with 8 remote control trucks and I only had 2 kids at the time! Sometimes it really is too much and you have to make a decision as to what produces the less stress for you and yours.

 

But as others have said, If it really is their love language and this is how they show love, it will cause deep hurt feelings. But the ones who are trying to outdo, just get their panties in a wad.

[cin]

We had a grandparent who did the same thing. We would buy the girls just a couple of simple things and then grandma would buy them everything else. Now grandma is gone and the girls always had so much fun with all grandma's stuff. Plus, we are approaching the time when the children will no longer want toys. With those two things in mind, we went all out this year and bought too much. But my love language is gifts also, and it would be hard for me to NOT buy them lots of stuff.

[sewingmama]

Yeah - I'm having this problem too although the situation is a little different. My in-laws live in Canada -they have never met our kids. They came out to see them this Christmas. They love to shop and although they are trying really hard to follow my rules I know they are dying to spoil my kids rotten. It's the last time they will probably come to visit so I told them to just do as they please. :bored:

 

Because of MIL health issues she didn't know until just before they left if she would be able to travel so I bought my kids their usual amount of gifts from us. I also wasn't expecting the inlaws to buy them anything. :laugh: If only I had known I could have saved myself some serious cash this year.

 

 

I did tell them the kids DO NOT need any more toys but it was up to them if they wanted to buy them extra gifts.

 

So now along with the usual bucketload of toys they get from DH and I they are also getting a swimming pool, a Wii with a ton of games, a 46 inch tv (because apparently ours is too small to have fun on) :glare: and a DVD blue ray player.

 

It has kept me up a few nights feeling ill at the what they have spent BUT I am bighting my tongue because I know they are trying to make up for all the years of spending on my kids they missed :laugh:

 

I keep telling myself it will be a cool memory for our kids - remember that time grandpa and grandma came to stay and we got every toy we ever asked for and that HUGE tv and a Wii and a swimming pool :D They will be sure to remember their grandparents one and only visit - that's for sure.

 

It's Christmas Eve here - and Grandma has been out all day shopping "for last minute surprises" :svengo: :rofl:

[ChristusG]

I could have written your post....exactly. im constantly cleaning and purging, trying to figure out new ways to organize the playroom. I'm a fairly minimalist person.... The sheer number of toys grates on my nerves. The list of who gives gifts to our kids is as follows:

 

2 aunts/uncles

2 great aunts/uncles

3 sets of grandparents

2 sets of great grandparents

Us

3 different cousins

And a few random people

 

If they only got one gift per person then that would be 15 gifts per kid (times three kids...that's 45 gifts). But it's not just one gift per kid....usually it's about two or three. So that could be over 100 new things entering our house. That's freaking insane. Now some are big, some are small....some are clothes or a blanket, but most are toys. I purge all.the.time. But I just try to see that my kids have many people who love them. And I'm thankful for that (but not the mess).

[Amy in NH]

I've done a couple of things that have worked well:

 

1. Express a desire to the gift givers for something large or expensive (a set of nice kindergarten-grade blocks/a set of Lego robotics/a complete set of one particular Playmobil theme), and ask everyone to contribute toward it. Ask for things to go along with the nice toy sets you want to keep (doll clothes/furniture to keep them in instead of more dolls).

2. Express a desire for experience-oriented gifts - passes to the movies, the childrens' museum, the zoo, the amusement park, etc.

3. Express a desire for educational opportunities - art, music, or dance lessons, ski program, a nice family microscope with a fine-tune knob

 

"I really wish we could do _, but it's just not in the budget. We are drowning in "things", but if you'd like to contribute to _ it would be the best gift ever! The kids would really love it..."

 

Our relatives have been happy to comply with these types of gift-giving requests, and we get to have these wonderful things/experiences that we otherwise cannot afford.

 

Let the kids know that they can only have X# of dolls (whatever), and let them choose which ones to keep.

[Trish]

Your gift to your relatives is allowing them to give the gifts. Making rules for the gift-giving might seem both ungracious and control freaky. That isn't to say I don't appreciate your dilemma because I do! We have similar issues. The Goodwill and Salvation Army locally both take toys, and things that don't get used inevitably end up there. Stuff that's no good (lost pieces or not nice enough anymore) can be tossed, while better stuff goes to charity, or can be donated to someone's garage sale. Good luck stemming the tide, it ain't easy!

[PrairieSong]

I completely understand. We have seven kids though three have flown the nest. My mother was a Shopper and loved buying gifts. Christmas was a few gifts per kid times SEVEN. Then they got more from dh's parents and from their cousin gift exchange. We were drowning in stuff, too. My mom was the worst about it but she grew up poor and I think wanted her kids and grand kids to have what she never had. It brought her joy. She wasn't trying to outdo anyone.

 

We are past the toy years, but you know what? We are almost past the grandparent years, too. My mother died in 2008 after being ill for a few years. Dh's dad died last year after a long illness and his mom just died in October. My dad is their only grandparent and he gives money which the kids love.

 

A few times I tried to gently suggest to my mom that the kids didn't need so much stuff, but it hurt her feelings so I stopped trying to change her. We purged toys and other items many, many times. Once she gave a white, furry coat to our oldest daughter who was about three years old. Dd already had a coat and I could envision how dirty the white one would get so I just got rid of it. My mom never asked about specific items. She got the joy of giving them gifts. The kids kept what they liked and someone else got the benefit of the rest.

 

These years will fly by. Purge as needed and don't worry about it. Give suggestions but not limitations of "only this much". I miss my mom being here, and would love to have her here even if it meant a mountain of presents from her.

[*Lulu*]

We really struggle/d with this as there is only one other child born to anyone in DH and my generation of our families. (For those who love stats, our children have not only one aunt and uncle, but also 4 grandparents, 4 Great-grandparents, and 18 great-aunts and uncles. More than half buy our kids presents for Christmas. My MIL alone buys each child 10-15.)

 

Several years ago we bought a home that was almost 800sq ft larger and had our families proceed to buy as many as well as the biggest toys they could. I got a few of them to slow up by hosting a family holiday, (Easter I *think*), and letting them see the toy situation in all it's glory. When someone asked about it I laughed and said we could not afford to upsize our house every few years, we were going to start down sizing toys. It didn't totally solve it, but it helped.

 

We also have a rule that the kids CANNOT open the boxes the toys are in, or remove tags, without our say. It allows me to try to redirect toys that I know we will be getting rid of to the return pile. (Done discretely BTW, I do not tell people we are returning thier gifts.)

 

Other things that help are a pre and post holiday purge and a strong screwdriver to drink before the family arrives Christmas Day. I am also really honest with the kids abut how stressed out the influx of stuff with no *home* makes me. We keep EVERYTHING under the tree until proper thank yours are taken care of and until we have a designated space for the object. As for the guilt of getting rid of stuff that was given: release the guilt. Once given a gift is yours and the gift giver has no right to put expectations on your use of it. Any gift given with expectations is a gift with strings and it is poor manners to give gifts of that sort.

 

(On a side note, I agree with PP who said that gracious receiving is an important part of good manners. I just happen to believe that gracious giving is as well.)

[kubiac]

Reading this thread, I think of how our collective relatives are really giving to charity. Our kids are the conduit, but once all this stuff passes through our homes, it goes on to some other kid who may not have as many generous and fortunate and loving relatives! Yes it's a chore but maybe it's not a total "waste."

 

This has been a really informative, thought-provoking thread. Cheers.

[Reya]

You can try to steer the givers away from toys and toward books, clothes, games, gift certificates for ice cream, whatever else, too.

 

I imposed a one-year moratorium on toys when my DS was being careless with his toys and breaking them. Made ALL THE DIFFERENCE in the world.

[KungFuPanda]

Honestly, since you KNOW what will happen, you could just put your energy into purging. If you know that 50 toys are coming in, take 100 to a shelter or goodwil before the holidays. You'll come out ahead and there will be no hurt feelings.

[amy g.]

Just to give you the old lady point of view, if one of my daughters or a daughter-in-law said that to me, oh yeah I would limit the giftsi gave them.

 

It would also do serious damage to the relationship. In a few years, I could see her sharing with her message board how I just don't treat her children the same as the other grandchildren.

 

 

We get plenty of gifts we have no use for. We just donate or retort them instead of trying to change the giver's behavior.

 

The OP has every right to lead a simple, minamalist lifestyle, she just needs to achieve that through her own actions, not by trying to control other people's actions.

[mytwomonkeys]

each year, go through their rooms and donate to charity. make room for the new things. if birthdays are the same, donate then as well. i would hesitate to put too many limitations on grandparents and their gift giving. your kids love it & the grandparents have the love language of gift giving. to me, it isn't a battle worth fighting. i'm sorry you feel upset. hugs.

[mytwomonkeys]

Honestly, since you KNOW what will happen, you could just put your energy into purging. If you know that 50 toys are coming in, take 100 to a shelter or goodwil before the holidays. You'll come out ahead and there will be no hurt feelings.

 

yes. absolutely. we do this several times a year. old toys are new toys to other children. teach your children as they receive to also give. charity has endless possibilities.

[Tammyla]

"Thank you."

 

This is how I feel gifts should be responded to. Then do what ever you want to do with them. I agree, it's easier to dump the junk than to deal with hurt feelings in the family.

[jenL]

My mother is an excessive gift giver, and she has already proclaimed that this year "is bad" (in regards to how much she has bought). She arrives tomorrow, and I'm dreading the influx of stuff. I cannot change my mom though because she loves to shop, spend, and give. I am grateful for her, but it's a constant struggle to keep the kids appreciative. Over the years, I have mentioned to her that she buys too much, but she insists that I will understand when I have grandchildren (we will see). As another poster mentioned, I began creating wish lists on Amazon, and she does buy from there. She has also tried very hard to really know my kids so she buys what they love (books, Legos, Thames & Kosmos kits, Playmobil). Dh and I have cut our gift-giving down substantially since the boys receive so much from her, so I guess she is blessing them and blessing us in that we are saving money. :)

 

The balancing act is hard when you crave simplicity and others do not understand. I have learned to be gracious while purging carefully and often. I do yearn for my mom's money to go elsewhere (ie. a college fund), but I am not in control of her choices. It took me MANY years to understand that. Since I've recognized it, I've found peace. Some kids are not nearly as fortunate as mine or the OP's; I have learned that this is something in which I need to be thankful. It's also not going to last forever, so I have to cherish her choices and physical expression of her love while I can.

[Night Elf]

I understand your frustration but just because you don't like giving gifts doesn't mean others feel the same way. It sounds like your family is blessed indeed to get the attention of so many people. I think your idea of decluttering is the best. Maybe start in October of each year so you can get rid of lots of stuff to make room for the stuff you can expect in December.

[Catwoman]

Some families are ridiculous when it comes to gift giving, and frankly it's kind of digusting when it gets to a certain level. I don't think you can make them stop. It's unfortunate, but it's how people are. They aren't being generous, they just find it fun to buy a bunch of crap. They aren't really thinking about you or your kids so don't feel guilty if you get rid of it.

 

I disagree with this.

 

Who gets to determine what qualifies as "ridiculous" and "kind of disgusting?" Because I'm sure we would qualify. Big time. I have wrapped well over 200 presents this year, and we are a family of 3. We also give out substantial employee bonuses and I shop for gifts for employees' kids. Believe me when I tell you that while I absolutely do love to shop, I am being generous. I love giving the gifts to the kids. I love finding out what they want and buying it, and wrapping it, and seeing their cute little faces when they open the packages. (I will say, though, that I don't buy anything without clearing it with the kids' moms first, because I don't want to duplicate stuff that the parents have already purchased. It would be awful to give a kid the same gift that he was supposed to be getting from Santa in another day or so. :eek:)

 

I don't mean to pick on you, but I do get a little tired of people acting as though there's something wrong with buying and receiving tons of gifts at Christmas. If you don't like it, that's fine, but I don't judge the people who only buy one or two gifts per person, so it's kind of annoying when people judge the more excessive gift-givers among us. Some people really love giving and receiving gifts, and the more the better, and as long as they're not greedy or braggy or entitled about it, I think it's just fine. In our case, my ds only told me about a few things he wanted this year, but he knows he'll get a ton of other stuff as well. He said he didn't give me a big list because he knew I'd pick out the right stuff on my own. :001_wub: But he LOVES opening gifts, and he's really sweet and appreciative.

 

So if gift giving and receiving isn't your love language, I understand that, but please also understand that it is mine, and that I'm not just out there having "fun buying a bunch of cr*p;" I'm doing my very best to buy things that my family and friends will truly enjoy. Yes, it's fun for me to shop, but the most fun comes in seeing the people open their gifts and really like them.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I understand both sides of this problem. With dh and I both having huge families, and most everyone being extremely loving and generous to our kids, they've come to expect piles of presents, and aren't really grateful for them at all. So, I end up donating or chucking giant bags of stuff that they've barely even looked at, let alone played with. And some of it is just junk, because certain people, like my mom, think quantity is more important than quality. It gets overwhelming. I've tried to suggest other things and get them to tone down the gift giving, and some of my family members do understand, but others just don't. I've given up and just deal with the stuff later. Some people just WANT to give your kids gifts. You can let them do that. It will all be okay.

[beaners]

I typed out another long response, but I'm getting too mad just composing it. Yes, some of us ARE getting too much crap. No, it does not make my children happy and appreciative when they need to go through their toys and decide what to get rid of. Sure, grandparents might not be around for the next Christmas. You know what? I might not be here either. I'm tired of it. If your house is big enough to hold all that stuff, and buying stuff for your own family makes you happy, go for it. My house is practically unlivable right now because of all the stuff.

[Joshin]

I typed out another long response, but I'm getting too mad just composing it. Yes, some of us ARE getting too much crap. No, it does not make my children happy and appreciative when they need to go through their toys and decide what to get rid of. Sure, grandparents might not be around for the next Christmas. You know what? I might not be here either. I'm tired of it. If your house is big enough to hold all that stuff, and buying stuff for your own family makes you happy, go for it. My house is practically unlivable right now because of all the stuff.

 

I also typed out a long response and deleted it because it's just not worth my energy to feel angry today. Some people don't get it. It doesn't show love to disrespect the wishes of others. It's no longer a gift when it's too much, it's a burden. Insistence on overgiving, when requests have been given to scale back or give more wisely, is just burdening those you love (general you, not anyone on this thread). I had to deal with this when I married DH (my family doesn't overgive, his does out of guilt. Long story.) At first I tried to be kind and subtle, then I became more blunt, and finally I had to be plain rude to get the point across. Things are better now and family relations are excellent.

 

My grandmother sent me a card for every holiday, no matter how small, from the time I was born until she passed away when I was 20. I have every single card she sent in an album, complete with her silly and loving notes. She rarely sent a gift unless we were visiting. I no longer have any of those gifts. The cards, in her handwriting, show her love just as much if not more than all the stuff MIL used to send my boys, and I still have those cards to look over when I am missing her. I used to send her cards back. When she passed away, I received a packet from my uncle with all the cards I sent her over the years. Through these cards, my boys have come to know both a great grandmother they never met, and their mom when she was young. No stuff, no burden, but still just as loving and memorable.

[Zebra]

nm

[A.Balaban]

I didn't read all the responses.

 

In my situation, we have too much stuff to begin with. Like the OP, I've purged and keep purging, but I feel caught in the daily struggle of shuffling SHYT around. We don't buy new toys throughout the year, and I buy a couple toys on after-Christmas clearance and those became birthday gifts. I am lucky in that both my families have asked for lists for what to get the children, usually the lists get lost or ignored (which is okay, since it's a gift). So far, since we've already opened DH's families gifts (we went down to celebrate Christmas early with them over the weekend)... and it went really well.

 

Last year, after Christmas at my parents, I couldn't fit all of the toys in the car, so we had to leave a lot of it behind. My mom brought it down in the Spring when she visited. We still have some toys in the closet at my parents house from Christmas last year. I have one toy from last Christmas that is still unopened that is at my house. The box is sitting next to the bookcase. When DS comes home with all the toys from his dad (who has bought him way too much, he told me that), and his dad's family, and then my family.... yes, I'll be going like this :willy_nilly: Maybe it won't even all fit down in two trips this year. Next year for Christmas I'm going to ask for a family Zoo membership. And gift cards. :lol:

 

I love that our families are generous with their gifts. I just wish they could see the aftermath. LOL