lulubelle Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 I have always made a point to make sure we see the in-laws sometime after Christmas day. This has worked fine. The reason being that they way over do it with gifts. I want my kids Christmas to be special at home and the first time they get "Christmas". They are asking us to come this year the Sunday before Christmas. Am I wrong to say no? I can't help feeling badly about it for some reason. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 If you don't want to do it, say no, and tell them exactly what you've told us. (Or better yet, make your dh do it -- they're his parents, and they may take it better from him.) If they only gave your kids a few little gifts, I'd say to just go on the Sunday before Christmas, but since they go whole-hog, I agree with you that it might sort of undermine the "real" Christmas at your house. Ultimately, a lot of the decision depends on their motivation for asking you to visit a week earlier than usual. Are your in-laws asking you to visit before Christmas because there's no other date that will work for them, or is it because they're competitive and want to give the kids their gifts before you give them the ones you bought for them? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 Since my advice is usually nothing to write home about, I thought I'd give lulubelle's thread a bump so others could chime in with some thoughts for her. I'm sure she'd like to hear from someone other than me! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinivanMom Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 If you don't want to do it, say no, and tell them exactly what you've told us. (Or better yet, make your dh do it -- they're his parents, and they may take it better from him.) If they only gave your kids a few little gifts, I'd say to just go on the Sunday before Christmas, but since they go whole-hog, I agree with you that it might sort of undermine the "real" Christmas at your house. Ultimately, a lot of the decision depends on their motivation for asking you to visit a week earlier than usual. Are your in-laws asking you to visit before Christmas because there's no other date that will work for them, or is it because they're competitive and want to give the kids their gifts before you give them the ones you bought for them? I agree. If you know that they are competitive and this could be a manipulative thing, then stand firm. If they are generally well-meaning (but just go overboard) and this is a one-time scheduling conflict, then one year won't ruin your kids' memories of Christmas. Only you know the totality of the relationship and the possible motivations. For what it's worth, my paternal grandmother always tried to outdo my mother. We would do a very modest Christmas at home, then we would have to leave our gifts behind to rush off to Grandma's house. Grandma always went overboard with expensive gifts our mother couldn't give us. My mother felt like she was obligated to let her mother-in-law do whatever she wanted, so she always went along and never complained. The older we got, though, the more we were aware of the emotional dynamic involved with Grandma trying to one-up my mother and buy our affection. It was obnoxious and really ruined Christmas for us. I wish my mother (who is now deceased) had done more to protect our immediate family's Christmas from our grandmother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hsbeth Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 I agree, my answer would depend in large part on their motivation. If they have extenuating circumstances, perhaps an adjustment is in order, BUT I'd clearly communicate it was a one time thing. Otherwise, stand your ground. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 I agree. If you know that they are competitive and this could be a manipulative thing, then stand firm. If they are generally well-meaning (but just go overboard) and this is a one-time scheduling conflict, then one year won't ruin your kids' memories of Christmas. Only you know the totality of the relationship and the possible motivations. For what it's worth, my paternal grandmother always tried to outdo my mother. We would do a very modest Christmas at home, then we would have to leave our gifts behind to rush off to Grandma's house. Grandma always went overboard with expensive gifts our mother couldn't give us. My mother felt like she was obligated to let her mother-in-law do whatever she wanted, so she always went along and never complained. The older we got, though, the more we were aware of the emotional dynamic involved with Grandma trying to one-up my mother and buy our affection. It was obnoxious and really ruined Christmas for us. I wish my mother (who is now deceased) had done more to protect our immediate family's Christmas from our grandmother. Your mom probably thought she was doing you a favor by letting you get all of the expensive gifts from your grandmother. It was probably hard for her to keep quiet and not complain, but I'll bet she just wanted you to have the best of everything and didn't want you to feel deprived, so she didn't say or do anything to jeopardize the relationship with your grandmother. Secretly, she probably wanted to slug her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinivanMom Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 Your mom probably thought she was doing you a favor by letting you get all of the expensive gifts from your grandmother. It was probably hard for her to keep quiet and not complain, but I'll bet she just wanted you to have the best of everything and didn't want you to feel deprived, so she didn't say or do anything to jeopardize the relationship with your grandmother. Secretly, she probably wanted to slug her. There were times I wanted to slug her. My grandmother was pretty evil (may she rest in peace). I do appreciate my mother's good example. She never criticized my grandmother or gossiped about her. That is an example I have always tried to emulate. I just think there can be some boundaries there, too. You can say no with kindness. You can stand firm without gossiping. At the end of the day the expensive gifts were just things and we really didn't need all those things. You're right, though, my mother thought she was doing the right thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom0012 Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 I would do what you feel most comfortable doing. I can see your point. Christmas might be kind of anticlimatic if they get tons of gifts from the grandparents and then just a few things from you a week later. On the other hand, I wouldn't do Christmas on a separate day to avoid this. It would not bother me at all if the grandparents got tons of gifts for my kids. I always let my mom take the best things from their list. You know what? They never remember who gave them which gifts. They just know that they had a great Christmas and got lots of stuff and I wind up saving lots of $$$$. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HomeschoolMamaOfTwo Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 I totally see your point. I would talk to your husband, if he agrees, I'd have him relay the info to them and say you'd be happy to visit with them, but you'd prefer to exchange gifts with them after Christmas and not before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ksr5377 Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 I would talk to DH and do what he wants, as it's his family. I understand your point, but unless there are undrerying issues as others have mentioned, I couldn't justify missing DH's family gathering. Assuming they just approach Christmas differently than you, and it's not done to be manipulative or "buy" love etc., I would go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 If it's just this once, why not? It doesn't have to become a yearly thing if you set firm boundaries about that fact from the beginning. Have you ever been over there for Christmas? The kids might actually enjoy a chance to celebrate Christmas at grandma and grandpa's house. Growing up we never went to my grandparents for Christmas (or rather New Year's since we didn't celebrate Christmas at the time) and it makes me kind of melancholy to think that I have no memories of holidays with them. If I understand the OP correctly, they aren't invited to go the the grandparents' house on Christmas -- it's the Sunday before Christmas. I would talk to DH and do what he wants, as it's his family. I understand your point, but unless there are undrerying issues as others have mentioned, I couldn't justify missing DH's family gathering. Assuming they just approach Christmas differently than you, and it's not done to be manipulative or "buy" love etc., I would go. I wasn't under the impression that it's a "family gathering" with a bunch of other family members. I thought it was just the day when the grandparents invited the OP and her family over to their house to celebrate the holiday, and the OP would prefer to visit after Christmas as they normally do, rather than before Christmas. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hmvaughan4 Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 I agree with you. ILs have Christmas the Saturday before. They won't tell us what they're getting the boys because "they want to surprise us as much as the kids." I've told DH that if I'm out returning/buying new gifts the few days before Christmas, I'm not going to be happy. WIth my ILs, I'm sure it's manipulative. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jujsky Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 I agree that it largely depends on their motivation, but even if there is no ill-intentions behind them inviting you, you have valid reasons for keeping things the way they are. If they have something the weekend after Christmas and absolutely can't do it, then I might consider it, but if they just want to do it because it's closer to Christmas or whatever, I'd say no. You have your own family traditions and this would mess them up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 We had Christmas Eve with my dad's parents and Christmas Day with my mom's parents. Our Christmas morning at home was still special even with all of the other gifts, and many times they all went overboard. I would go if it didn't already conflict with my schedule. One day you will be the in-laws. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SevenDaisies Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 I agree with you. ILs have Christmas the Saturday before. They won't tell us what they're getting the boys because "they want to surprise us as much as the kids." I've told DH that if I'm out returning/buying new gifts the few days before Christmas, I'm not going to be happy. WIth my ILs, I'm sure it's manipulative. If I were you, I would explain what difficulty this has the potential to cause you. I would either insist that MIL coordinate gifts with me, or celebrate with her after Christmas. No way should you have to be exchanging things in the days before Christmas. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trinchick Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 We have a large family on both sides and we'll be celebrating with both of them before Christmas - dh's family on the 22nd and my family on CHristmas Eve. My kids will receive tons more gifts on those days than they will on Christmas Day at home. DH's parents are very extravagant, and my family is huge and gives nice gifts to all the kids. That said, I'm not in the least threatened or worried about their reactions to our gifts. There is magic to waking up to presents under the tree. Dd has never compared her gifts from Santa to those from anyone else. And we have a fairly modest Christmas compared to many others - not due to lack of resources but because I just think it's unnecessary to go overboard. OP, I am confident that you will select better, more personal gifts than your ils, even if theirs are more costly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 I have a broad definition of family and a high threshold for my kids to enjoy gifts and family time and love. I also have a dead parent which makes me revisit choices I wish I had made. Allowing kids to celebrate Christmas with multiple family members would be a welcome option. I would not feel the need to limit it. There are other reasons I'd be firm (I answered firmly in another Christmas thread) but with this one? I'd let my kids have a blast, and then have a blast again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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