Physical contact with Teens/Young Adults - do you still hug?

[Joan in GE]

I was remembering the days when my ds1 was at home for one year of high school when we would wrestle sometimes....Even now I'll sometimes wrestle with dd, but not as much....I think it came from me trying to teach them a little self defense - escaping if someone tried to get them down for example, and how to toss someone over your shoulder using physics principles.

 

Then I thought it might make an interesting poll....

 

Though I hug and kiss (probably the European influence) all my young adults, some are more affectionate than others, yet they all still like a good hug....

 

And I was wondering if this is something that homeschoolers would maintain longer - a warm physical relationship with teens/university level young adults?

 

Joan

[swellmomma]

We hug, kiss, practically hang off each other. My dd will still sit on my knee, my ds and I wrestle around. They still hold my hand at times. We "tango" (as in pretend to tango since we don't really know how). I do think homeschoolers maintain that longer than most. I still do all that with my teens in front of their peers. They pretend to be embarassed all teh while leaning in more, and if anyone questions it they get to blame it on their weird homeschooling mom. My mom talks about when I came home from K and told her I was too big for hugs, and would only call her mom at that point, no more mommy. I got teased at school that first day of K for calling her mommy and giving her a hug and a kiss goodbye.

 

My ds14 still leans in for his "required" hug and kiss good bye when I drop him off at work. I never leave them anywhere without telling them I love them and adding in a hug, a kiss, a high five, an elbow jab etc. They love the attention still. And they don't have to worry about being called a momma's boy etc for it.

[Joan in GE]

My mom talks about when I came home from K and told her I was too big for hugs, and would only call her mom at that point, no more mommy. I got teased at school that first day of K for calling her mommy and giving her a hug and a kiss goodbye.

 

So sad.....I guess that all contributes to peer dependency....

 

I used to wonder if affectionate physical support would mean they would seek it less from the opposite sex when young - but I can see that it is much deeper than that as my sons are quite different about that...Now I think it is related to the culture of the school - or lack of it - also in home education... Though I don't have much of a base to evaluate since I don't know many IRL teens who home educate....

 

Joan

[regentrude]

DD and I have more physical contact; we hug, or hold hands, or walk arm in arm.

DS rarely lets me hug him. I am pretty sure the fact that he is a strong introvert is a factor.

[Pawz4me]

DS rarely lets me hug him. I am pretty sure the fact that he is a strong introvert is a factor.

 

Both of my boys are like this, and I try to respect their space.

[Sunshine State Sue]

I couldn't participate in the poll because I couldn't fill out the second question. I am not affectionate with my son, and I think it has everything to do with his sex.

 

In the book Get Out of My Life, but first can you take me and Cheryl to the mall? by Anthony Wolf, it says:

Above all, teenage boys become very private. They do not like to talk to their parents. In fact, they do not want their par­ents to know anything about what is going on in their life. The main reason is their sexuality. These feelings are an enormous part of a teenage boy's world. And this sexuality is something that he very much wants to keep separate from his parents. But it is also so much a part of him that the only way to keep it separate from them is to keep himself separate. The internal taboo against mixing sex and parents is so strong and the role of sexuality in a teenage boy's life is so pervasive that he is forced for the most part to shut his parents out of his life.

 

Not ever having been a boy, I don't really know if this is what is going on inside his head/body, but it seems like a plausible explanation. Dh tells me some of his experience of teenage sexuality.

 

Ds prefers to keep himself separate. It would be counterproductive, imo, to invade his space.

[Lolly]

I hug and kiss on all my kids. Ds does pull back most of the time, but likes that I at least try. When he gets a certain attitude, the girls and I will look at him and say, "Oh....X needs a hug!" We then all rush him with a big bear hug. He play fights us off, but actually seems to feel better after he receives it. The girls still cuddle up on the sofa with dh or me. The boy tends to prefer his physical contact to be a back rub or a foot massage. Back when he was little, I would literally wrestle with him. Now...nope, he's way too big for that (literally).

[Laura Corin]

I hug and kiss both my boys. Hobbes snuggles up to me on the sofa; Calvin sits on my knee. I also do silly dances holding hands with both.

 

Lauar

[dirty ethel rackham]

I do hug and kiss my teen boys as well at my pre-teen girl. That doesn't mean my boys like it, though:). They roll their eyes and tolerate it - barely. However, I inform them that, since I gave birth to them, it is my prerogative:). Actually, college boy seems much less resistant since he went away:). Dd is an affectionate person by nature - it is her primary love language.

[elegantlion]

My ds is very affectionate. He still gives me a hug every morning and hugs goodnight. We're both introverts if that matters.

[FaithManor]

We are still affectionate, just not every day. Ds, the nearly 16 year old, mostly isn't too demonstrative but if he's upset about something or wants to thank me for going the extra mile for him for some particular reason, he will volunteer a hug.

 

The middle boy - 14 - has always been an extroverted, affectionate, cuddler. Of course, it's waned some now that he's a teen, but he still gets hugged a couple of times a week and he likes a kiss on the cheek here and there, just not in front of his friends.

 

The youngest has never been a cuddler with me though as a young child, he liked to sit on his dad's lap. He's outgrown it completely. But, he has always been an introverted, loner child. He's our challenge to educate due to an IQ that is freakishly high and I think that has skewed his perspective of other people as well. He is a 100% logical thinker and except for his amazing, witty, sense-of-humor could be described as "Vulcan" from the Star Trek series. He just doesn't get the rest of the humans most of the time though he is very polite and well-mannered, just shy around people. He will only very, very occasionally allow dh or I to hug him and then it's kind of an arm around the shoulder quick squeeze. Probably the only time he allows more is if he's really sick. If he has a fever, he is open to a bit of pampering and since my hands tend to be cold much of the time, he wants me to rest them on his forehead, back, or cheeks.

 

DD, however, was always a cuddle bug and even at 21 usually hugs both DH and I when she leaves for work. She is almost six years older than her next youngest sib and 9.5 years older than the last boy. They look up to her and really love her. Their relationships are close. So, often she can get a hug from our youngest son - very often as a matter of fact - that no one else can get!

 

Now, they all seem to understand that grandmothers are special creatures put on earth to spoil children and therefore should be indulged on every level. My mother can get all of the affection she wants. I blame this on her never ending stash of multiple flavors ice cream. :glare:

 

Faith

[Candid]

I have two boys who couldn't be more different on this front. My oldest has always loved to hug and he still needs and wants hugs, especially after he's gotten in trouble for something. My younger is now "too cool" for hugs or at least he thinks so. I however still demand an occasional hug.

[LostSurprise]

My older son has always needed control of his physical space, even (especially even) when he was a small child. Because that was something I felt we could give him control of, I've never been very physical with him without his initiation. However, @ preteen age I started doing kind of a hand on shoulder/back thing. Also light physical teasing (not as restrictive as wrestling but stopping him for a moment, etc.). At this point he's old enough to put up with hugs.

 

Because of my first son, I've always been really sensitive to the wishes of my children in being touched. I respected my 12 year old when he decided to pull away from hugs last year. I moved to more of a hand on shoulder/back thing. I try to verbalize how I feel more (more than just I love you, which I'm already doing).

 

My 9 year old boy needs a lot of touch (a whole lot). Hugs galore. Sitting on laps. Wrestling. Dancing. Same with the 8 year old boy. They are both entirely different kids. I try to love each child the way they want to be loved.

[Joan in GE]

I couldn't participate in the poll because I couldn't fill out the second question.

 

I am not affectionate with my son, and I think it has everything to do with his sex.

 

Oh, I didn't know that you couldn't participate if you didn't answer both questions...So now I've edited it (great new feature - thanks John!)

 

Please don't feel I'm pushing about it....that's the interesting thing about humanity - there is lots of variability. :-)

 

Joan

[swimmermom3]

I couldn't participate in the poll because I couldn't fill out the second question. I am not affectionate with my son, and I think it has everything to do with his sex.

 

In the book Get Out of My Life, but first can you take me and Cheryl to the mall? by Anthony Wolf, it says:

 

 

Not ever having been a boy, I don't really know if this is what is going on inside his head/body, but it seems like a plausible explanation. Dh tells me some of his experience of teenage sexuality.

 

Ds prefers to keep himself separate. It would be counterproductive, imo, to invade his space.

 

 

Sue, I think Anthony Wolf's quote certainly has validity, but it is only one theory. After having dealt with a severely depressed teen for four years, I am a bit wary of "separateness." While a degree of privacy and space is important, sometimes that feeling of "separateness" can be a negative thing for a teen and a sign of greater struggles.

 

For each family, the level of physical contact among members is a personal thing. There are too many variables for there too be a "right" and a "wrong."

 

I grew up with a dad that was affectionate and a mother who was rather stiff. To this day, if my kids or I hug her, she looks very uncomfortable. I can be stiff with acquaintances, but my kids are fairly affectionate, male and female, so hugs, arms on shoulders, or walking in public with arms linked is the norm. That is just us and it feels right for our family. The "boys" will still give me a big hug in the morning.

[MAIMOM]

DD and I have more physical contact; we hug, or hold hands, or walk arm in arm.

DS rarely lets me hug him. I am pretty sure the fact that he is a strong introvert is a factor.

 

I think it may have more to do with his age. When DS was 13 I could not comment on a cute girl (even if she was 5) and he was not as affectionate. I kept the door open and that changed around 14/15. I think at first when they start puberty and notice "women" it is a bit awkward for boys but as they become more comfortable in their skin they will go back to what is normal in the family. I remember my brother going through the same phase about 13. Keep faith he may come back around.

 

I think they still need our physical touch even if the hugs are not there. I would wrestle a bit with him or kind of knock my hip into him as he passed by, a hand on his shoulder as he sat at computer. Just quick easy touches that keep him connected. I think men need that...just look at all the touching men do on the sports fields....also side by side hugs real quick like.....I was a ninja hugger : ) Touch is so important to our mental well being. I agree we should respect our kids as they go though life changes and may need to change the types of physical affection to fit the awkward stage of life. When he was 2 I had to grab a quick hug as he ran past....much too busy for long snuggles at that point in life. They say Teens are just in second toddlerhood sleeping more, growing bodies they are having to learn to coordinate....a great time for those drive by quick hugs again.

[Punks in Ontario]

I still hug both my teens, but not every day. Ds 16 is more reserved than ds14. My dd would not receive any physical affection from about 12 on. To some extent I'd say the amount of physical affection given has to do with their boundaries and not everstepping them.

[creekland]

For us it depends upon the son (all three are boys). Oldest was ok with hugging, middle absolutely loves hugging, and youngest barely tolerates it and it's been that way since he was in diapers (he's my borderline aspie). We chose what we did based upon their preferences.

 

I think it's a personality thing that crosses over most lines (m/f, i/e, etc).

[Joan in GE]

I see there is lots of variability even among home educated teens and across the ages - some becoming more distant, some closer, and in the same family....hmmm...

 

Joan

[Tullia]

My son still appreciates a hug or arm around the shoulder, but it depends on the setting. I still occasionally give a playful punch on the arm, but only if I'm ready for a return. :laugh: Our family is generally fairly reserved--especially in public. Respecting boundaries is important for us.

[Parrothead]

I think it is very important to get physical touch in a safe manner from parents. That way they don't go looking for and find inappropriate contact with other teens or adults.

[Barbara H]

Great topic! I recently posted a link to an article about this topic on my Facebook. I thought it had some interesting points to consider. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201211/adolescence-and-physical-affection-parents Here's a bit... "It helps ease and lessen the loss when parents can do two things – continue to offer a lesser form of physical affection, and provide expression of caring through words when acts of physical affection are disallowed. Patting your teenager on the back, giving them a side hug, can often get through the painful wall of refusal that is keeping the teenager from the primal parental touch that they still miss. Remember, if you can keep some level of physical contact in place, then as the teenager grows older, and becomes more confident in being older, the acceptance, expression, and reciprocation of physical affection can open up again."

[mumto2]

Both of mine still like to be hugged and cuddled. A kiss before being left is pretty much required--I can't kiss the tops of their heads anymore which makes me sad. Holding hands while shopping etc pretty normal too.

[swellmomma]

I hug and kiss on all my kids. Ds does pull back most of the time, but likes that I at least try. When he gets a certain attitude, the girls and I will look at him and say, "Oh....X needs a hug!" We then all rush him with a big bear hug. He play fights us off, but actually seems to feel better after he receives it. The girls still cuddle up on the sofa with dh or me. The boy tends to prefer his physical contact to be a back rub or a foot massage. Back when he was little, I would literally wrestle with him. Now...nope, he's way too big for that (literally).

 

Yup. Like when I hug and kiss him goodbye it's not like he flings his arms around me. He leans in for it, pretends he doesn't like it, and then of course wipes the kiss off the top of his head. But he still has that little smirk on his face the whole time that says he likes that I do that. He just has an image to uphold. I know that when I told my mom I was too big for hugs I wish she had continued to. Now as an adult she wants to start hugging and it creeps me out. after 30 years not hugging my mother I have no interest in starting now. She tried to do the right thing and give me my space all those years but I was saying one thing and wanting another, but was too young to voice that kwim. So I never had physical contact with my family members for all those years and now can't stand it and have a solid boundary on it. I didn't want my kids to have that. I believe kids grow better with continued physical contact. So not necessarily a hug, but for example, ds14 likes when I scratch his back or back of head when he is struggling with his math work. Or while checking his work I will put my hand on his shoulder and give a little squeeze. Even for boys that no longer want the hugs and kisses from mom those sorts of things are appreciated and I think often express love to them much quicker at that age than simply telling them.

 

In my house I also do a death hug. When said child has driven me batty, I hug them around their shoulders (so close to neck but not actually on it), and I squeeze as tight as I can while saying "I am going to hug you, and squeeze you and squish you to death". Gets rid of that urge to throttle them in a loving way and ds14 really seems to respond to that well. Or he will initiate a wrestling match. He has never won a match against me. He swears one day he will, I tell him there will never be a day when he is big enough to beat his momma. He tries, and again it gives physical contact.

 

I think even when teens withdraw into themselves they still crave that physical contact even if they do not realize they do, in fact I believe that teens need just as much physical contact from a parent as an infant does. Otherwise they start looking for it elsewhere. I do not think that blossoming sexual awareness in a son should matter as far as physical affection from a parent. The 2 are not related if it is a healthy parent/child relationship there is nothing sexual about a hug, a kiss, a high five or a pat on the back etc from your momma.

 

As for boys shutting down and wanting to keep everything private I also believe that is different within homeschooling homes. The kids do not learn from a young age to turn to peers and away from family. The family is still their ancor. Now typically I would agree sons do not want to talk to their moms about certain topics and for that they go to their dads. In my home that is not an option and I find my son is very open with me. On somethings I am the one actually wishing he wasn't. But at the same time I am greatful that he feels he can tell me pretty much anything. I think that sort of relationship, of your soon being open with you etc is one of the bonuses of homeschooling. Yes you can still have that if your son goes to ps, but I find it much less often in that case. Kids learn when they go to ps from a very young age that any real connection with your parents is weird, you are a momma's boy that needs to cut the apron strings etc. So even when they would like to talk to their parents they feel they can't. Homeschooled kids do not face that struggle. If they are being raised by parents that have always encouraged openness etc I do not think that goes away just becuase he became a teenager. I think that openness continues and he will talk with you, and open up in a way he would not if attending public school.

 

Of course being that my oldest is only 14 perhaps he will prove me wrong I dunno. But I know from the neighbor boys at the old house and their friends (so teenaged boys aged 14-19), they still wanted to open up to a parental figure, they still wanted physical contact from one. Now due to propriety and them not being my kids that contact was severly limited, but they sought it out. I had at one point 9 boys calling me mom. They wanted to sit on the front step and just be open about all the crap they needed to discuss, we would sit side by side, knees and elbows touching, nothing more. And they would just pour it out. You could tell they wanted to talk to their parents, they wanted that physical contact even as little as knees and elbows, they could not pour that all out with friends. But image and peer relationships etc prevented it in many ways. So they got the lady next door who was willing to sit and listen instead. Teens, even the boys, need that. On the outside they look like they are withdrawing into themselves, becoming stoic etc. But they need that contact. They need to feel safe in letting out what bothers them. And often the contact is what initates that. Want to know what started the whole thing about them all wanting to sit and talk etc? An arm wrestling match I lost miserably in. The neighbor boy was about 15 at the time and challenged me to arm wrestle over the fence(we had a 4" fence between our yards). I lost, but just that contact was enough to release a dam of stuff after he stopped laughing at me for my weakness. Teen boys, are big, overgrown tough looking little boys that still need their mom's physical affection whether they know it or not.

 

Okay novel over.

[caroljenn]

I am a very huggy and affectionate person. I finally broke DH down, as he came from a very non-huggy family- I'm hugging and kissing on him all the time and now he is sad if I don't- haha!

 

As for the kids, DS (19) is technically my stepson, so I'm less huggy with him, but still hug him when he's coming and going, when he does something great or if we are teasing each other. Ruffling his hair is common too. My DH has been wrestling with him since he was little and still does. We have gotten closer and closer through the years and now PDAs are common.

 

DD (15) is the one who really always has gotten it from me! She is my only biological child, and I've been really physically affectionate with her since she was born. She gets hugs several times a day still, although sometimes I have to order he to "come give your momma a hug!" In a silly voice. She automatically leans in for kisses on her head or cheek every time she leaves the room.

 

There are also multiple "I love you"s from and between all of us every day. Sometimes we add in " to the moon and back" or "not as much as I love you" or the ever-popular "you better!" Haha! Lots of pet names over here too- we rarely call each other by our real names.

 

I think it's good for kids to hear it and feel the love. My kids and DH know how much they're loved. =)

[Elinor Everywhere]

My side of the family is very huggy and physically demonstrative. My dh's side is reserved and more stand-offish. My dd is very cuddly and loves to sit on me, hold hands, hug, kiss, etc.

 

I don't know my son's genetic makeup, but he is very affectionate and still, at 15, loves to cuddle next to me and get hugs/kisses. Not sure if he would want that in public anymore, though. Hmmm, perhaps I'll engineer an experiment and find out. :D

[jeninok]

Ds is still very affectionate, he will grab my hand when in a store, lay his head on my lap and even ask for a hug sometimes. We don't cuddle up as much, because he is as big as me and its a little but casual loving contact is normal.

 

I also will stand behind him and ruffle his hair or scratch his shoulder blades.

 

I have found it so interesting to watch him interact with DH and my dad. Their affection is teasing, flicking, throwing things like pillows or wadded up paper at each other. It is clearly affection but its weird and would probably make me cry after a while, out of frustration!

[bugs]

I am a hugger and kisser, etc. I grew up in an area where everone you met you give a peck. Physical touch is one of my love languages. It is also for my teenage son but not my daughter's (unless I were a boyfriend :glare: ). Anyway, I've told my daughter that she needs to suck it up because I am affectionate. She's learned to tolerate it to the point of actually initiating sometimes.

 

I too give "death" hugs...but my chant is from Looney Tunes, "I will hug you, and squeeze you, and call you 'George'". :D

 

ETA: I also give great 2 min massages that my kids have been addicted to.

[Joan in GE]

It is so interesting to read how different teens/young adults are within the same family.....Since ours are pretty similar - I thought it would be a family culture type thing - but apparently not....

 

 

One important aspect of physical hugs I've noticed in our family is that they can cut across differences of opinion and disputes....If at the baseline I can give a real hug, that is not imposed but accepted in a mutual way, it can help us get over problems where we just don't agree yet....We can have the - we're going to work on this and get through it - even if we don't have the same view - and the physical helps confirm love at a certain basic level....

 

I also love being able to walk with my arm looped in theirs, knowing how much bigger and stronger they are than me....a very basic satisfaction...

 

The part about keeping them out of trouble could apply to some, but for one of ours - he was way too sensitive about acceptance for complex reasons and it wasn't enough. But I like to think that at some level, he knows 'real' love in hugs...

 

Or he will initiate a wrestling match. He has never won a match against me. He swears one day he will, I tell him there will never be a day when he is big enough to beat his momma.

 

Want to know what started the whole thing about them all wanting to sit and talk etc? An arm wrestling match I lost miserably in. The neighbor boy was about 15 at the time and challenged me to arm wrestle over the fence(we had a 4" fence between our yards). I lost, but just that contact was enough to release a dam of stuff after he stopped laughing at me for my weakness.

 

Let's see - were you a marine? How did you get so strong? I used to be able to beat mine but their size and just natural strength makes it completely impossible and they have great joy in just 'tossing' me....(thankfully we have a kingsize bed in our bedroom right next to the LR - so easy access)

 

I was curious so I'm glad you asked and answered the question - it's great you can be there for the others....I tend to think kids need physical affection but I am quite impressed by the variety of responses in families where it is clearly no problem to give physical affection....

 

Joan

[Joan in GE]

ETA: I also give great 2 min massages that my kids have been addicted to.

 

Oh yes, massages - I've been forgetting this but should do it.....years ago I was doing this for the oldest - to add to more positive interaction. He loved it and will still ask for one when he comes home....

 

I also give foot massages to DH - he loves these...

 

I am a very huggy and affectionate person. I finally broke DH down, as he came from a very non-huggy family

 

Good example of love overcoming.....

 

I thought it had some interesting points to consider. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201211/adolescence-and-physical-affection-parents

 

It is useful - esp the part about teens getting angry when they see a parent cuddling a younger child because they actually want affection too....

 

Joan

[swellmomma]

 

 

Let's see - were you a marine? How did you get so strong? I used to be able to beat mine but their size and just natural strength makes it completely impossible and they have great joy in just 'tossing' me....(thankfully we have a kingsize bed in our bedroom right next to the LR - so easy access)

 

I was curious so I'm glad you asked and answered the question - it's great you can be there for the others....I tend to think kids need physical affection but I am quite impressed by the variety of responses in families where it is clearly no problem to give physical affection....

 

Joan

 

No not a marine, but I am good and grounding myself so he can't move me,and if he can I play dirty lol He is just about my height and 140lbs but I am still bigger and I am tough hehe He may very well grow enough to beat me one day but I willnot go down without a fight.

[Lolly]

Both of mine still like to be hugged and cuddled. A kiss before being left is pretty much required--I can't kiss the tops of their heads anymore which makes me sad. Holding hands while shopping etc pretty normal too.

 

 

:blush: I have to get on tiptoe to kiss ds's cheek. :blush:

[TranquilMind]

I was remembering the days when my ds1 was at home for one year of high school when we would wrestle sometimes....Even now I'll sometimes wrestle with dd, but not as much....I think it came from me trying to teach them a little self defense - escaping if someone tried to get them down for example, and how to toss someone over your shoulder using physics principles.

 

Then I thought it might make an interesting poll....

 

Though I hug and kiss (probably the European influence) all my young adults, some are more affectionate than others, yet they all still like a good hug....

 

And I was wondering if this is something that homeschoolers would maintain longer - a warm physical relationship with teens/university level young adults?

 

Joan

 

 

Yes, I hug and kiss my teens. Side hug, regular hug, fist bumps, kisses on the cheek. All of it, and so does my husband. No difference between boys and girls here. I can't imagine this changing.

[Faithr]

My 20 yo son and 13 yo son are both more naturally affectionate. My 17 yo is an introvert and more reserved. I am not as physical with him. Yesterday at church I did give him a peck on the cheek as a sign of peace but usually with him I confine myself to patting him on the back, tousling his hair when I am passing by perhaps, or placing a hand on his shoulder when having a heart to heart.

[goldberry]

I couldn't participate in the poll because I couldn't fill out the second question. I am not affectionate with my son, and I think it has everything to do with his sex.

 

.

 

 

This is interesting...I read a book about girls that discussed if fathers suddenly stop being affectionate when the girls start developing (which often happens due to the father rather than the girl) it can lead to confusing feelings for them.

 

Our family has always been touchy-huggy, including Dad. He has continued hugging/etc, and she seems comfortable with it. She still goes to him for hugs sometimes herself. We haven't discussed it, but I think Dad would just follow her lead. If she acted uncomfortable he would stop.

 

Edited because I keep randomly adding in apostrophies! Argh!!

[MAIMOM]

My side of the family is very huggy and physically demonstrative. My dh's side is reserved and more stand-offish. My dd is very cuddly and loves to sit on me, hold hands, hug, kiss, etc.

 

I don't know my son's genetic makeup, but he is very affectionate and still, at 15, loves to cuddle next to me and get hugs/kisses. Not sure if he would want that in public anymore, though. Hmmm, perhaps I'll engineer an experiment and find out. :D

 

HAHAH what an experiment!

[MAIMOM]

Oh, one day kids were being " pesky jerks" not sure how else to say it. My DH said.."do you need a hug? If so its ok to jsut come say hey, dad can I have a hug". That has opened the door....LOL actuallly as I sat here reading this thread my DS was standing over me...."mom, can I have a hug". I am thankful my DH gave them that tool to use when they are feeling in need of a hug.

 

I also started brain washing my boy as a young child by telling him he would never be too old to be hugged and kissed by mom!

[swimmermom3]

Joan,

 

I think this was a great question and it got me thinking on a larger scale. We know that most human beings need the healthy touch of another human being, not just in a s@xual manner. It can be awkward for parent and child when a son suddenly towers over his mother or a daughter is developing, what exactly is a welcome touch from a family member. I think a pat on the back or ruffling the hair go a long way in reinforcing healthy life-long habits. I don't know if I am saying this right, but this question reminded me of a client I had many years ago when I worked as an account executive in advertising. My client was a chiropractor and she had a couple of fee-free days a month where she donated her time and skill to simply touching elderly clients in ways that made them feel better, whether easing some minor pain or a gentle massage. She said that as a society, we forget that our elderly loved ones still need human touch. It her thoughts and practice gave me a whole different perspective.

[Joan in GE]

Discussing this is making me more aware of how much dd and I hug over the course of the day....It seems to vary depending on what challenges we're facing. (She just did a 14 step geometry proof and wanted a hug at the end).....Remembering back, things weren't very emotional with ds3 - I don't ever remember giving him a hug after a geometry proof....

 

This is interesting...I read a book about girls that discussed if fathers suddenly stop being affectionate when the girls start developing (which often happens due to the father rather than the girl) it can lead to confusing feelings for them.

 

What book is that?

 

Oh, one day kids were being " pesky jerks" not sure how else to say it. My DH said.."do you need a hug? If so its ok to just come say hey, dad can I have a hug".....

 

"mom, can I have a hug". I am thankful my DH gave them that tool to use when they are feeling in need of a hug.

 

I wonder how many of us are cranky because of not getting enough physical affection and don't even know it? and don't know how to ask...

 

 

My client was a chiropractor and she had a couple of fee-free days a month where she donated her time and skill to simply touching elderly clients in ways that made them feel better, whether easing some minor pain or a gentle massage. She said that as a society, we forget that our elderly loved ones still need human touch. It her thoughts and practice gave me a whole different perspective.

 

What an amazing idea! I remember thinking in the past how little physical affection an elderly person might get - the time the chiropractor is donating is such a gift to people who can accept it....Sometimes elderly people are so bony and frail that it could be painful to get a backrub for example...

 

After singing in a nursing home - I go around and shake hands with some of the residents and look in their eyes while greeting them to try to give them a bit of contact....and am impressed with the variety of sizes, shapes and feelings of the different hands.....as well as the persons' different states of peace or sometimes seeming lack of it...

 

Joan

[goldberry]

Just last night I had to talk to DD about the attitude she was giving (sarcastic and disrespectful tone of voice over the top). She went in her room for awhile and then came out and said she needed a hug. We sat and cuddled on the couch and she told me how overwhelmed she felt with school and time, and that was making her just lash out. We talked a long time, but the hugs and cuddling were so important I think. It re-enforces the connection when I have to scold her or discipline her.