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13 y/o's essay (first draft)


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It seems my requests for reviews of ds's essays don't get many responses over in the k-8 board. It occurred to me since he is 13, it might be Ok to post here.

 

He is looking for any suggestions,grammar, help taking out repetition and vagueness, removal of be verbs, and opinions on whether or not he has supported his thesis correctly. Any thing you throw at him. He is a very reluctant writer, and only recently became began writing essays without fighting tooth and nail to avoid it. KWIM

 

Thanks in advance.

 

 

My Opinion on Fiction

 

 

 

Imagine traveling to faraway places and make believe lands without spending any money. How can I do this? By reading fiction, which allows readers to do this and much more without spending any money. It is an easy way to experience foreign things and travel the world. Reading fiction is a worth while because it helps the readers learn, can increase imagination, and is fun at the same time.

 

Reading fiction provides a good alternative to textbooks for learning very important things. Fiction can teach readers about the past and what life was like without electricity and other luxuries of today. For example, The Little House series demonstrates how people lived during the 1800‘s. While reading these books children will learn how maple syrup gets collected, how to make ice cream, and churn butter by hand. These are things children of today likely would not do or learn otherwise. Likewise, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, By Mark Twain teaches readers about dialect. Although reading this book may be a challenge at first, readers will begin to understand the southern dialect and increase their vocabulary. This is beneficial for people who may travel to the southern part of the US, as well as future writers of fiction. Basically, fiction teaches readers new things in an new way, often without them even noticing, so fiction is a worthwhile activity.

 

When children read fiction their imagination expands and gets stimulated. while reading fiction, the reader gains the ability to visit places and people that they can never meet in real life. A good example of this is Peter Pan which takes readers to the imaginary world of Never Never Land and allows them to imagine a place where children can fly and never grow old. Young readers can create in there minds scenes of Peter’s adventures and decide what the characters look like. Similarly, Treasure Island, by Robert Louis Stevenson contains a pirate ship and a boy that gets stranded on a deserted island. Following this young man’s adventures while reading allows readers to experience adventure and even danger without ever being in real peril. Reading fiction challenges readers to utilize their imaginations making reading fiction a profitable endeaver.

 

Children receive hours of free entertainment while reading fiction. When choosing a work of fiction to read, readers can pick books on subjects of interest to them. Books may be serious, dramatic, or even funny. Diary of a wimpy kid often makes it’s readers chuckle. As a result, readers are entertained and may not even notice time passing by. Another entertaining piece of fiction,The Emperors New Clothes tells a hilarious story about an king walking around in the nude until a child chooses to tell him he is not wearing any clothes. As the reader, children can see what is going on and have a laugh at the emperors situation. As a result, reading fiction gives readers various choices for entertainment, making it a valuable pastime.

 

Through reading fiction readers get the ability to master new things, entertain themselves and imagine at the same time. While reading fiction children can read about subjects that are of interest to them while learning about topics that are new. At the same time, they will be forced to use their imagination. This is a skill that can help students in school for essay writing, and even further in the future in creative careers. Can you imagine what life might be like without our many works of fiction?

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My Opinion on Fiction

 

Imagine traveling to faraway places and make believe (make-believe) lands without spending any money. How can I do this? By reading fiction, which allows readers to do this and much more without spending any money. It is an easy way to experience foreign things and travel the world. Reading fiction is a worth while (either take out the "a" or put in a noun to tell us that is is a worthwhile "something") because it helps the readers learn, can increase imagination, and is fun at the same time.

 

Reading fiction provides a good alternative to textbooks for learning very important things. Fiction can teach readers about the past and what life was like without electricity and other luxuries of today. For example, The Little House series demonstrates how people lived during the 1800‘s. While reading these books children will learn how maple syrup gets collected, how to make ice cream, and churn butter by hand. These are things children of today likely would not do or learn otherwise. Likewise, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, By Mark Twain teaches readers about dialect. Although reading this book may be a challenge at first, readers will begin to understand the southern dialect and increase their vocabulary. This is beneficial for people who may travel to the southern part of the US, as well as future writers of fiction. Basically, fiction teaches readers new things in an new way, often without them even noticing, so fiction is a worthwhile activity.

 

When children read fiction their imagination expands and gets stimulated. while reading fiction, the reader gains the ability to visit places and people that they can never meet in real life. A good example of this is Peter Pan which takes readers to the imaginary world of Never Never Land and allows them to imagine a place where children can fly and never grow old. Young readers can create in there their minds scenes of Peter’s adventures and decide what the characters look like. Similarly, Treasure Island, by Robert Louis Stevenson contains a pirate ship and a boy that gets stranded on a deserted island. Following this young man’s adventures while reading allows readers to experience adventure and even danger without ever being in real peril. Reading fiction challenges readers to utilize their imaginations making reading fiction a profitable endeaver. endeavor

 

Children receive hours of free entertainment while reading fiction. When choosing a work of fiction to read, readers can pick books on subjects of interest to them. Books may be serious, dramatic, or even funny. Diary of a wimpy kid often makes it’s readers chuckle. As a result, readers are entertained and may not even notice time passing by. Another entertaining piece of fiction,The Emperors New Clothes tells a hilarious story about an king walking around in the nude until a child chooses to tell him he is not wearing any clothes. As the reader, children can see what is going on and have a laugh at the emperor's situation. As a result, reading fiction gives readers various choices for entertainment, making it a valuable pastime.

 

Through reading fiction readers get the ability to master new things, entertain themselves and imagine at the same time. While reading fiction children can read about subjects that are of interest to them while learning about topics that are new. At the same time, they will be forced to use their imagination. This is a skill that can help students in school for essay writing, and even further in the future in creative careers. Can you imagine what life might be like without our many works of fiction?

 

 

This is an excellent essay at his level. He set up the thesis and had a paragraph on each point that he set out to prove. My corrections are in red in the body of the essay.

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Very good essay! Your son has an excellent grasp on the structure.

 

Jean has already commented on some mechanics issues, so I want to address something different.

 

 

Imagine traveling to faraway places and make believe lands without spending any money. How can I do this?

 

Can you imagine what life might be like without our many works of fiction?

 

This is the kind of opening and ending kids are encouraged to use in school when they learn to write: address the reader directly, ask a question, draw the reader in, use first and second person.

All of this will have to be unlearned for academic writing in high school and college, where the use of first and second person is considered bad form and where these kinds of questions are considered "cutesy" and superfluous.

Nip it in the bud now.

 

A few small things:

 

so fiction is a worthwhile activity.

Fiction is not an activity. Reading fiction is an activity.

 

makes it’s readers chuckle

 

It's is short for it is. The possessive of "it" is "its" without an apostrophe.

 

 

Through reading fiction readers get the ability to ......master new things, entertain themselves and imagine at the same time.

The beginning of the sentence sounds clumsy. Simplify. I would rephrase it as:

"Reading fiction enables to reader to....

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Thank you so much to each of you. You are two of the people I had hoped would weigh in. :)

 

Jean, thank you for noticing those errors. I have come to find that when ds is writing, he makes mistakes he wouldn't normally make. (there instead of their, apostrophes missing or added in the wrong places) Strangely enough, if I ask how do you spell there as in over there, he will answer correctly. The same goes with apostrophes, commas, and some other spelling mistakes. I am hoping this will improve with maturity, as as he becomes more comfortable with writing.

 

Regentrude, I agree with the points you have made. Ds is in an online class, and it is something the teacher would actually like them to learn. She is asking that the grab the readers attention with an anecdote, question, or Quote. Ds found the question the easiest to do, but I did speak with him before hand and explain the reasons why he would not be using that method much in later years.

 

In this class they are also being encouraged to use a lot of for example, secondly, as a result, furthermore, etc..... I seem to recall this is also frowned upon in the later years. I do recall being taught these things in middle school, and then taught about using it sparingly (questions never) once I entered high school. Go figure.

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