What do you say to someone who is dying?

[Slipper]

We think MIL is dying. She is an alcoholic and has been drinking all of her life. This summer she began losing significant amounts of weight and became tired, with both vomiting and diarrhea. Currently, her legs are so swollen she has trouble moving and she tires easily and is out of breath. Her abdomen is so swollen, she looks pregnant. She can't eat and continues to have vomiting and diarrhea. Her skin is yellow and she feels awful. She sees natural healing doctors so hasn't had any lab work until one finally suggested it earlier this month. We finally received the results and it appears that she has liver failure. She has a biopsy scheduled today.

 

She doesn't seem to understand her condition. She says she won't take any treatment (as she is opposed to doctors and medications) but becomes hysterical at the thought of dying. I'm at a loss for what to say. If I suggest treatment, she says she would rather die. If I try to be supportive, she becomes upset (not at me) and says she will take treatment. I fear that treatment (at this stage) will only prolong rather than cure. I don't think she's going to recover from this.

 

I usually know what to say in difficult times, but I can't answer her biggest comment. She will say, "Life isn't fair to me. But I know I did it to myself." I don't want to agree, that's heartless. But, i can't find anything comforting to say.

 

Any suggestions? DH is an only child, MIL's husband currently has alzheimers and is in assisted living and her other relatives have been alienated due to the drinking. She has us and her neighbors across the street who are taking her to all of her doctor's appointments.

[Liz CA]

"I love you. (If she is a Christian or knows what this means, I have also said: I will see you again.)

It's difficult but I think the worst is not saying anything. Empathisizing with her situation is probably best even though you cannot change anything.

[6packofun]

I would say something like, "The past is the past and right now we're here for you, we won't leave you. Can I do something to make you more comfortable?" I think listening, even to the back and forth emotional outbursts is a huge help. The regrets she must feel probably weigh on her and I think it's important to let her know that her past decisions don't change your love for her. (It would be great to have dh say this to her, too, especially if she's looking back on her life--as I know I would!--and feeling like a bad parent, etc.)

[BugsMama]

I've worked with many hospice patients and really the best thing you can do is listen to them. Not so much talk as squeeze a hand and listen.

[BugsMama]

Double.

 

And yes, I love you.

[nono]

Maybe "I wish there was more I could do to ease your pain."

 

'Cause despite her bringing this on herself, I'm sure she didn't expect to experience the bodily failure and pain she's currently having.

[Zebra]

One thing I have learned is that dying people just need you to listen to them. Just listen to her, and acknowledge that you understand what she is saying. If she says something like, "LIfe is unfair, but I did this to myself." You can just nod in agreement, or say something like, "Yes, life is tough." You're not calling her out on anything, you're just acknowledging what she said.

 

Communicating with a person who is dying is a whole different ballgame than other relationships. Just listen, and do the best you can. :grouphug:

[G5052]

Yes, just listen and make sure that she is cared for. Even the most difficult person deserves that.

[LucyStoner]

Sit and hold her hand and listen.

[Harriet Vane]

I would say something like, "The past is the past and right now we're here for you, we won't leave you. Can I do something to make you more comfortable?" I think listening, even to the back and forth emotional outbursts is a huge help. The regrets she must feel probably weigh on her and I think it's important to let her know that her past decisions don't change your love for her. (It would be great to have dh say this to her, too, especially if she's looking back on her life--as I know I would!--and feeling like a bad parent, etc.)

:iagree:

 

Also, it's nice to find whatever kind memories you have of her, whatever good times you can think of, and tell those stories with smiles and laughter. Be relaxed and affirming and matter-of-fact.

[Unicorn.]

I would say something like, "The past is the past and right now we're here for you, we won't leave you. Can I do something to make you more comfortable?" I think listening, even to the back and forth emotional outbursts is a huge help. The regrets she must feel probably weigh on her and I think it's important to let her know that her past decisions don't change your love for her. (It would be great to have dh say this to her, too, especially if she's looking back on her life--as I know I would!--and feeling like a bad parent, etc.)

 

:iagree: This. Just be supportive and acknowledge her feelings w/out judgement. Let her know she's not in this alone. I'm sure she is terrified. :grouphug:

[Slipper]

Thanks for the suggestions. I wanted to mention that we have a great relationship with MIL. She's not very reliable, but she has always been generous and fun. The girls are crazy about her. Her lack of responsibility has caused rifts with other members, but we never put expectations on her and realized that we would have to constantly remind her about things which worked out.

[applethyme]

When my dad was dying I copied some old pictures and put them in a little photo album. It was a great conversation starter. He was so proud of it that he even showed it to friends when they visited. Since they were copies it didn't matter if the album became lost.