Step parent adopting 5yo - what to tell the child?

[angandmike]

This is my first time posting, and I'm actually begging for advice for a distraught friend of mine. She has a very intelligent, verbal 5 yr. old . His father was a boyfriend she had before she got saved. She has remarried a wonderful man who wants to adopt the 5yo.

 

The problem is - the 5yo knows nothing about this. He thinks her current husband is HIS daddy. They want to tell him the truth since he has to be in court with them next week for the official adoption. But they are unsure of what or how much to say.

 

Have any of you gone through this, or do you have advice as to what to say to this little boy?

 

I really look forward to the responses on this. Please email me privately if this is a sensitive subject for you.

 

In Christ alone,

 

Angie

[Niffercoo]

Wow, this is very similar to my story. My parents got married when I was 3.5, and my dad adopted me when I was 5. They chose not to tell me that my dad wasn't my bio-dad, and it was a huge mistake, in my opinion.

 

For one thing, everyone else in the family knew. And for another thing, I wasn't a dummy. When I was 13 and they were celebrating their 10th anniversary, it brought up a lot of questions. There were pictures in my baby book that weren't consistent. There was a picture from Christmas where the stockings said "Jennifer", "Mommy", and "Gary". When I asked, I was told not to ask.

 

When I was 15, I snuck into my mom's papers and found my baby book with the name of my bio-father's family crossed out and my dad's family written in over it. I asked my grandma (mom's mom) about it when she was visiting, and made her promise not to tell my mom. Well, she ran right upstairs and told my mom. When I saw my mom, it was easy to tell she had been crying. Grandma told me that my dad was my dad, and that person's name was just a mistake and to never talk about it again. In order not to hurt my mom any more, I didn't ask. But I had tons of questions and didn't understand. It was so terribly hard.

 

Finally, the night before I got married, I confronted my mother about it. I was 22 years old! By this time I had assumed that it was some horrible story. I was shocked to find out that my bio-dad just wasn't interested in parenting. He left my mom when she was pregnant, came around once or twice in my first year, and that was all she ever heard from him. Dad married mom when I was 3.5. In fact, I didn't even know until 2 weeks ago exactly how old I was when he adopted me, because it's still such a taboo topic.

 

I wish they had been up front with me. I don't feel any less about my mom, knowing she was a single mom. And I respect my dad even more for marrying mom and me, and raising me as his own.

 

For a 5 year old, I don't think you need to go into details. But as he gets older, I think they should approach the subject with honesty. And no secrecy. Especially if it's common knowledge to other members in the family. I remember being 12 or 13 and my cousin getting mad at me and saying, "Well, your dad isn't even your real dad!" Or before my wedding, another cousin asking me who was going to walk me down the aisle. It's very hurtful. Just be honest!

[ticklbee]

I don't know anything about adoption laws. Is it mandatory that the 5 yo be in court? Will they be asking the little boy any questions? If the judge will be speaking directly to the child and asking him questions, then I think they should be honest with him and tell him just the bare facts and then answer any questions he may have. Otherwise just go to court and tell the child that you have some business to take care of and leave it at that for now, but at some point they will have to tell him the truth.

[Jill- OK]

First of all, I believe they're absolutely doing the right thing. My little brother married a woman who had a small child, became "Daddy" for years (the child saw his biological father occasionally, but called him by his first name)...but went through a divorce recently, and this precious little boy is no longer a part of our lives. (He's about the same age as your friend's son). He's been a cousin for as long as my youngest children can remember, and now there's no easy way to explain what's happened, to any of them.

 

I share his story because I think it illustrates how important it is to formalize relationships like that, legally, for the children's sake, and also because my brother's stepson was in no way confused by who "Daddy" was or wasn't, technically, and I think that small kids are really more concerned with who loves them.

 

It's older kids that seem to be disturbed by finding out 'secrets' later on, IMO, and that's a great reason to get it out now, and let it simmer down into a non-issue over the years.

 

My advice would be to sit him down, and just explain the facts. Keep it short, simple, and sweet, and then ask if he has any questions. If he doesn't, tell him that he's free to ask them as they come up, if they do, and then go to the courthouse, sign the paperwork, and have a little celebration.

 

I'd also add something Hallmark-y to the short explanation, ensuring that the little boy knows that "Daddy" already considers him his boy in his heart, and always has...sometimes you just have to make things legal, because "Daddy" wants everyone else to know that he's his boy, too.

 

It will, in all probability, be fine. I honestly believe that it's better they're dealing with this now, rather than later, and that this is a blessing in disguise...but that's just my opinion.

[mommylawyer]

I've had close friends and family members who were adopted - some knew, some "found out."

 

Whatever you do, don't let him "find out" on his own. I think the sooner you tell him, the better. At 5, he may already have some inkling; but if not, go ahead and tell him. It will be less traumatic for him now - and he's still so young it may not impact him negatively now.

 

It may be that even if you do tell him, you may not want him to be present at the hearing. As for his being present at court, in Georgia, the child doesn't have to be present. You may want to discuss that with your attorney or, if you are not represented, then call the judge's office and ask his assistant if it is necessary for the child to be present. Technically, a child of 5 has no "voice" in most courts - it should be necessary that just you (as the petitioner/natural parent) and DH (as the petitioner/adoptive parent) be present.

 

Good luck with your decision.

[Mom2GirlsTX]

I've had close friends and family members who were adopted - some knew, some "found out."

 

Whatever you do, don't let him "find out" on his own. I think the sooner you tell him, the better. At 5, he may already have some inkling; but if not, go ahead and tell him. It will be less traumatic for him now - and he's still so young it may not impact him negatively now.

 

It may be that even if you do tell him, you may not want him to be present at the hearing. As for his being present at court, in Georgia, the child doesn't have to be present. You may want to discuss that with your attorney or, if you are not represented, then call the judge's office and ask his assistant if it is necessary for the child to be present. Technically, a child of 5 has no "voice" in most courts - it should be necessary that just you (as the petitioner/natural parent) and DH (as the petitioner/adoptive parent) be present.

 

Good luck with your decision.

 

This is such excellent advice! I have an adopted daughter and she has known she was adopted since she was a baby. We read sweet adoption books now and then, but never really made a big deal of it, just had a tummy mom and she had me, her Mommy. I so clearly remember a schoolmate finding out in 6th grade she was adopted, and it was not her parents that told her. She was angry and resentful for years about how she found out, etc. I hope your friend won't do this to her son, I hope she tells him now.

 

I have a friend who son is 9 and she has still not told him that his father isn't his bio father. I so think this is a mistake, she thinks he is to young to know, but he has not been legally adopted by the dad raising him, so his birth certificate shows a different dad, eventually this has to be addressed. Hiding it makes it sounds bad and wrong, open conversation represents it as a loving act of adoption.

[Scarlett]

For a 5 year old, I don't think you need to go into details. But as he gets older, I think they should approach the subject with honesty. And no secrecy. Especially if it's common knowledge to other members in the family. I remember being 12 or 13 and my cousin getting mad at me and saying, "Well, your dad isn't even your real dad!" Or before my wedding, another cousin asking me who was going to walk me down the aisle. It's very hurtful. Just be honest!

 

 

Honest is always best. To think in this day and age a kid wont' find out the truth is just delusional. And like Niffercoo's story, because they wouldn't tell her she made it into a much worse story in her head than the reality is!

 

My friend's dh adopted her son at about age 8 I think. And he had to be there in court. He knew as he grew up though...his step dad being in his life was all he ever knew, BUT his bio dad was in his life to a limited degree and still is, even though the adoption is final.

 

They should have told him long ago....now it is a little tougher with all the emotion of the court procedures. But they should just tell him.

[dragons in the flower bed]

The problem is - the 5yo knows nothing about this. He thinks her current husband is HIS daddy. They want to tell him the truth since he has to be in court with them next week for the official adoption. But they are unsure of what or how much to say.

 

My 5yo thinks my partner is his dad. My policy has been to answer the questions he asks honestly, but otherwise leave it alone.

 

My reason for this is that, to kiddo, the man who has taken care of you for as long as you can remember, who loves your mom, is your dad. That's the only qualification of which he is aware. The whole idea of a biological element is just too abstract for him to deal with, right now, and I think he'd be confused if we tried to explain that he has another father somewhere. In fact, the biodad in question once told Bear, "you know, I'm your real father," and Bear literally laughed at him. "Silly Michael, Daddy is my father." It rolled right off Bear's back and a week later he'd forgotten it.

 

If your friend wanted to take a similar route, she could explain to her little boy that they are going to court to make his daddy responsible for him in the eyes of the law. If he asked questions, then she could answer with a simple explanation of the mechanics. "Six years ago a different man gave me some of the physical material my body used to make you. The law says that's he's responsible for you. But Daddy is actually the person who loves you no matter what and is committed to helping you grow up, so we are going to court to set the record straight."

[Laurie4b]

This sounds like a very developmentally appropriate explanation to me.

[KellyGirl]

My dh is in the process of adopting my 9yo. Dh has been around since Jake was about 6 months old (bio dad bolted when he found out I was pregnant - the guys you meet in church...) and we married when Jake was about 18 mos.

 

Bio dad was basicly non-existant until Jake was 4, but we would occasionaly mention that he used to have another dad - I like the way Cadam put it. It was always clear in Jake's mind that daddy was his dad. He had some abstract understanding that there was a reason he didn't look like daddy or have the same last name.

 

Now that his bio dad has been around for the last few years, he calls him "Dave dad". But the adoption process was started at my son's insistance. He feels like dh is dad and wants dh to have full say in his life instead of bio dad. He also wants to share our last name, I guess he kind of feels like the outsider with a different name.

 

I assume they will be changing his name? Some discussion about that may be a good place to start. And when we sign these papers, daddy will legally get to be responsible for you. A family counselor we took Jake to talked with him about the rights and responsibilities of sonship, although some of that may be over the head of a 5 year old.

 

HTH

[Denisemomof4]

whose done a TON of research on the topic, the ONLY way to do this is to be absolutely honest. I'm actually surprised they didn't tell him the truth sooner. It may be harder on him now. They need to be prepared for some difficult questions he will ask, either right away or eventually. I talked to my daughter about her adoption from the time she could talk. She could see she was different from the rest of us - all American and she's Chinese. We speak very openly about her adoption, and I let her generally guide what we'll discuss and how deep we'll go. Sometimes she doesn't want to talk about her birth mother, She's got deep sadness and anger surrounding this issue. Any child being abandoned by a parent will.

 

Because of his age, I really don't know what to say about how to tell him. If they had more time they could approach a social worker for opinions but it looks like they don't have time.

 

I hope the little guy does ok,

Denise

 

PS - What about watching the movie Yours Mine and Ours, the newer version (we love the older, don't know if he will) and explain after that?

[sweetTN]

I think kids accept things so much easier than adults. We tend to overthink and complicate matters.

 

We adopted our dgd this year when she was 8. We have had her since she was 6 months old but she has always known who her biodad was. Before the adoption she called me mom and dh peppy (I guess because I wasn't replacing anyone and dh was). After the adoption her biodad (our ds) asked her, "if his dd was her daddy then what did that make him". Dd shrugged and said, "daddy is my daddy and you are my biological dad". While we were worried about family entanglements dd had it all figured out so simply!

 

I think honesty is always best. That doesn't mean lay out all the details, just be honest in your answers to questions and about whatever is happening that will affect the child.