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14 yo's Thesis Paragraph


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My daughter is into chapter 2 of Lively Art of Writing and the writing assignment was to write a thesis paragraph. It had to contain the thesis statement, a few supporting statements, the antithesis and something supporting that. Here paragraph is about her favourite XBox 360 game, Skyrim and one of the counties (holds) in it. For the uninitiated, Skooma and Moon Sugar are drugs and a Jarl is something like a Lord.

 

First issue: She's not happy with it, says it doesn't flow.

 

Second issue: I'm just not sure if she did exactly what the assignment asked of her. I think she's included too many details and not been general enough. I also think she missed the antithesis. She may have begun to address it with the sentence, "Though other cities..." but didn't really spell it out and offered nothing to support it.

 

She's a very good and natural writer but sometimes that can disguise the technical faults when I'm reviewing her work.

 

Anyhow, we're both waiting for critiques! :)

 

(I edited the post for clarity.)

 

 

Here it is:

 

Out of all of Skyrim's nine holds, the Rift is easily the most corrupt. Riften is the city of back-room deals, lies, thieves, and backstabs. It is both ironic and convenient that this is the city where the Temple of Mara, the goddess of love and kindness, stands. Every citizen of the land knows that Jarl Laila is but a puppet for Maven Black-Briar, who has ties to the Thieves' Guild, the Dark Brotherhood, and every important family in Skyrim. The Thieves' Guild itself makes Riften its home, all but untouchable because of their alliances. Skooma and Moon Sugar dealers thrive in the city, a new one popping up even as the old one is chased out; this is also one of the more popular places for vampires, werewolves, and Daedra worshippers, thus bringing many Vigilants of Stendarr and Silver Hand to the land, who have started a miniature war. Though other cities, like Markarth and Solitude, also have corruption to a degree (and neither Jarl has a clue how to run a hold), Riften is by far the worst. Perhaps it is good that they have Lady Love's chapel in their city; they'll need it.

Edited by WishboneDawn
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My daughter is into chapter 2 of Lively Art of Writing and the writing assignment was to write a thesis paragraph. It had to contain the thesis statement, a few supporting statements, the antithesis and something supporting that. Here paragraph is about her favourite XBox 360 game, Skyrim and one of the counties (holds) in it. For the uninitiated, Skooma and Moon Sugar are drugs and a Jarl is something like a Lord.

 

She's not happy with it, says it doesn't flow. I think she's included too many details and not been general enough. I also think she missed the antithesis. She may have begun to address it with the sentence, "Though other cities..." but didn't really spell it out and offered nothing to support it.

 

She's a very good and natural writer but sometimes that can disguise the technical faults when I'm reviewing her work.

 

Anyhow, we're both waiting for critiques! :)

 

Here it is:

 

Out of allremove to make more concise of Skyrim's nine holds, the Rift is easily the most corrupt. Riften is the city of back-room deals, lies, thieves, and backstabs. It is both ironic and convenient I get the irony, but why convenience? that this is the city where the Temple of Mara, the goddess of love and kindness, stands Separating this word out sounds a little awkward. . Every citizen of the land knows that Jarl Laila is but a puppet for Maven Black-Briar, who has ties to the Thieves' Guild, the Dark Brotherhood, and every important family in Skyrim. The Thieves' Guild itself remove to make more concise makes Riften its home, all but untouchable because of their alliances. Skooma and Moon Sugar dealers thrive in the city, a new one popping up even as the old one is chased out; this is also one of the more popular places for vampires, werewolves, and Daedra worshippers, thus bringing many Vigilants of Stendarr and Silver Hand to the land, who have started a miniature war. Though other cities, like Markarth and Solitude, also have corruption to a degree (and neither Jarl has a clue how to run a hold), Riften is by far the worst. Perhaps it is good that they have Lady Love's chapel in their city; they'll need it.

 

I am not an experienced in critiquing, and we're not quite to the technical level she is, but I'll give my impressions.

 

Ugh. I'll look through it again later, I have to run, but those are my first impressions. My notes are in dark green

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I am not an experienced in critiquing, and we're not quite to the technical level she is, but I'll give my impressions.

 

Ugh. I'll look through it again later, I have to run, but those are my first impressions. My notes are in dark green

 

I'll share those with her. I think that's exactly the kind of feedback she'll appreciate.

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Skooma and Moon Sugar dealers thrive in the city, a new one popping up even as the old one is chased out (is this verb agreement issues? I would at least change popping to pops); this is also one of the more popular places for vampires, werewolves, and Daedra worshippers, thus bringing many Vigilants of Stendarr and Silver Hand to the land, who have started a miniature war. (this is a long sentence, I would probably make two) Though other cities, like Markarth and Solitude, also have corruption to a degree (and neither Jarl has a clue how to run a hold) (I don't like "asides" in academic writing - if you're going to make a statement, make it), Riften is by far the worst. (why is it the worst?) Perhaps it is good that they have Lady Love's chapel in their city; they'll need it.

 

continuing, my comments in red. I had ds read it, he plays Skyrim. It made sense to him and I got a five minute discussion about the game to boot. :lol:

 

When I write, I usually read out loud to check for flow. Those little words I marked earlier stand out because they seem redundant in the writing. If I were talking about the game, I might add them for emphasis as the way I talk.

 

I find I do that a lot in my own writing. For example: I might write "he sat down in the chair". Well the down part seems redundant because sitting involves the downward motion. So, while I might say "sit down" to someone in person, writing it makes it less concise. Same with "then she stood up and left the room." It would be more concise to say "then she stood and left the room."

 

I don't have an English degree, so if anyone more learned contradicts my critique, go with their suggestions. ;)

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