Would you be upset?

[astrid]

Again there is popcorn, apples oranges and the ramen noodles my adores despite their being gross to me :D I am angry because I have never seen my daughter not follow the rules because of another kid. There is always fruit, crackers and such just no junk because they don't need it. The only junk is cereal I would say.

 

So the cereal is junk? I thought it was your kids' breakfast?

Maybe your dd, upon learning that her friend didn't care for what was for dinner, asked her what she does like and she replied, "Cereal." In an effort to extend hospitality, your dd went and got the box of cereal and they ate it?

Teenagers do that. They eat. And before they know it, they've snacked a lot. One thing I'd be careful not to do is send the message that friends (perhaps especially this one) are not welcome in your house. I'd rather have my dd's friends here in my house (and under my supervision) than at homes where I"m not 100% certain of what's happening, etc. If you don't trust this girl, be careful that you make it so uncomfortable for her to be at your house that your dd chooses to spend all her time there.

 

I guess I'm still not seeing the huge issue but again, not my house, not my rules.

 

astrid

[QueenCat]

I was a shy teen. I usually preferred to stay in my friends' rooms as much as possible when I went visiting, even when I knew the parents reasonably well. And, although I know my daughter's friends pretty well and like to think they are comfortable with me, when she has people to stay they often hang out primarily in her room.

 

 

I rarely spent more than a few minutes with the parents of a friend when visiting them... Maybe for dinner, but usually that was on our own, with leftovers later on. I know my kids friends but I don't expect them to hang out with me when they come to visit. They hang out in the bonus room or in a teen's room, coming out for food & the bathroom. I really do think that is normal. Even if it's not at your house, there is a good chance it is for the guest.

[dm379]

I would try to find out more about what was going on behind the closed, locked door.

[ktgrok]

I should introduce you to my boys. I don't even keep much cereal around - they inhale it like an appetizer.

 

My husband as well!

[QueenCat]

The sister in law was just kinda here she is she can call her dad when she wants to go home OK thanks bye driving out the road??? Then I am told he can't have calls all day due to work. Seems like there are some lies somewhere.

 

Why? Sister in law drops off. Normal for teens to not have someone even come in. Plenty of teens are told to call when ready, and know not to call until it's even possible. Many people can't get non-emergency phone calls during the work day. I think you are really making a mountain out of a mole hill, which really doesn't tend to be your nature, from what I've seen from you over time.

[WishboneDawn]

This is such a huge negative judgment on your behalf. What if she's just shy? Even if you didn't say anything, believe me, she can sense that you don't like her and want her gone. She's in a really uncomfortable situation, and no wonder she doesn't want to come out of the bedroom.

 

:iagree: One word answers and avoiding eye contact? That's par for the course for many teens. Many teens are shy, uncertain and uncomfortable. It's really unfair to judge them sneaky because of that.

[Word Nerd]

To be honest, it doesn't sound like you've given her the benefit of the doubt about anything since she arrived. It's possible that she's a sneaky, dishonest drug user (at least I'm assuming that's what you were implying in your comment about your brother) who is a bad influence on your daughter, but it's also possible there are other explanations for the behaviors. Doing things differently than other kids you've had in your home doesn't necessarily mean she's doing something wrong. You may be right to feel that something is off, but I would try to give her a chance before assuming the worst about her.

[Kirch]

I think your instincts are telling you something. While you may have over reacted to a situation, I think your on guard for a reason.

 

I have dealt with that - something just doesn't add up or feel right. The little things don't seem like a big when you say them out loud or share with others, there is something you can't put your finger on, so you keep looking at the actions/behaviors to figure out what is going on.

 

In our case, it was a series of little things, and we kept thinking we were over reacting to those silly things like locking the door. Dh tends to under react, so he kept me from getting upset. But then dh started to see it, and finally we got to see more. It's tough with certain friends.

 

If I were you, I would try to get to know this friend/family and talk to your daughter later. The friend wouldn't come over again until I had talked to the mom/dad.

 

:iagree: I think it would probably be a good idea to institute a rule that no friends can spend the night unless you've met them first (in addition to the talking to parents first rule). I think you're getting/have gotten the run-around from this girl and your daughter and that's why you're feeling uneasy (in addition to the locked door and "creepy" vibe). They have tried to go around you on how long she will be staying, the contacting a parent thing, the food thing (which I agree shouldn't be *that* big of a deal--although I'd be annoyed too--but your daughter DOES know the rules, so it just adds to the list), the hiding out in the room/locked door ... I wouldn't be surprised if your dd isn't comfortable with all of this but is feeling obligated or railroaded, especially if she's not normally like this.

 

I'd tough it out until the guest leaves, then sit down and have a gentle talk with your dd about the need for openness in communication in situations like this, the rules about friends staying over and that you felt there was some dishonesty in how she and her friend handled that, that you need to know any friends before they stay overnight, etc. I'd also try to do some gentle probing about the "hiding out" in the room and the locked door --maybe something like, "I was a little concerned about you and Susy. You stayed in your room the whole time and even locked the door--you're not like that with your other friends. Is everything okay with her?" That would be a good approach to talking about the other stuff too --"You're not usually like this. Is there something going on?"

[Jen500]

I would try to find out more about what was going on behind the closed, locked door.

 

Eating forbidden cereal?

 

If I was the girl and knew how upset you were I wouldn't feel comfortable coming back to your house.

[sparrow]

I was another shy kid/teen. I certainly hope my friends' parents didn't think I was sneaky, or, heaven forbid, *pregnant* as someone mentioned, because I preferred hanging with my friends in their room :001_huh:.

[sassenach]

Yes, you are overreacting. Big time. Let your dd know that next time, instead of snacking on cereal, choose popcorn or _______.

[dm379]

Eating forbidden cereal?

 

If I was the girl and knew how upset you were I wouldn't feel comfortable coming back to your <a class="inlineAdmedialink" href="#">house</a>.

 

The locked door was before the cereal. So maybe they were up to something worst, maybe not. It doesn't hurt to ask.

[Joanne]

Really this is a jawm post. You asked WOULD YOU BE UPSET? and then argued with everyone who answered differently.

 

I've got 3 teens. The last 2 years, I've taught 75 of them. I counsel a bunch now. I have teens over here a lot.

 

I've also lived in Florida. ;)

 

Dude, I think you are like totally over-reacting. My son would call it flipping *h*t. :D Everything you describe is developmentally and culturally common and expected.

 

You've decided you don't like this girl and you are looking for reasons to back that up. I *also* think you are catastraphizing and generalizing in an unhelpful way about this girl and her influence on your dd and family.

[Lady Florida.]

If you had food out all night you will wake up to mountains of ants in the morning this is FL.

 

I've lived in Florida 43 years and never had this problem. Ds eats in his room often, especially when friends are here. Despite the rule to take all food out of the room before they go to sleep, there have been times they forgot. Though it doesn't happen often, we still never had to deal with ants or other bugs.

 

But did your daughter tell the guest that cereal is not a snack? Or not allowed? Even if it is not normally a snack, I can't imagine not letting a guest have some for a snack. Or expecting my child to tell someone they can't have it.

 

It sounds like your dd was trying to be a good hostess. At her age, it would be difficult to say, no you can't have cereal. It's even harder to do with a new friend.

 

I know my kids friends but I don't expect them to hang out with me when they come to visit. They hang out in the bonus room or in a teen's room, coming out for food & the bathroom. I really do think that is normal. Even if it's not at your house, there is a good chance it is for the guest.

 

:iagree: Visiting kids come over to visit with my kid, not our family. Teens like hanging out in the bedroom.

 

:iagree: One word answers and avoiding eye contact? That's par for the course for many teens. Many teens are shy, uncertain and uncomfortable. It's really unfair to judge them sneaky because of that.

 

This is very common, especially with shy teens.

 

Really this is a jawm post. You asked WOULD YOU BE UPSET? and then argued with everyone who answered differently.

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

I too think you're overreacting. However, I've never allowed a friend I've never met to spend the night. I've also never allowed a friend to spend the night if I haven't at least spoken with the parent. It does sound like you thought you were talking to the mom, but in the future I'd try to make sure.

 

As for your dd, have a talk with her after her friend leaves, and after you calm down. Perhaps you can help her come up with a way to steer friends away from forbidden foods without feeling uncomfortable or inhospitable.

[southcarolinamom]

I think you are overreacting to the cereal issue, although I COMPLETELY understand being upset about the unexpected loss of a breakfast item for the rest of your family. If you had plenty of cereal in the house, I suspect you never would have reacted the way you were feeling.

 

If your mother's instinct tells you something might "be going on" with the new friend, ask your daughter. Today.

 

 

And then you must let us all know what she says :D

[Plucky]

You are but I'm not going to castigate you. Just take it as a teachable moment and welcome to the world of hosting teens.

 

I have other kids/teens at my house a lot. I enjoy it for the most part although there are a couple of middle school girls I could do without. I tolerate them for my kids.

[elegantlion]

See I have never faced this before at all. Her other friends call and talk to me on the phone we watch movies eat popcorn etc this is all very odd to me

 

Or maybe she knows you don't like her.

 

Again, I don't think it's unusual for a first-time teen guest to spend most of her time away from parents she doesn't know or feel comforable with.

 

:iagree: My family had a very casual atmosphere growing up. Dad worked nights. I'm close to my mom, but other parents with routines really intimidated me.

 

I was also a very picky eater, still am, and would have probably politely nibbled at dinner if I didn't like it. I remember getting odd looks from some parents for not liking what seemed normal to them.

 

I was very shy and hanging out with parents was not high on the priority list when I went for sleepvers.

 

This is such a huge negative judgment on your behalf. What if she's just shy? Even if you didn't say anything, believe me, she can sense that you don't like her and want her gone. She's in a really uncomfortable situation, and no wonder she doesn't want to come out of the bedroom.

 

Oh, yeah, I could sense when a parent didn't like me. In all honesty, it made me more sneaky because I knew they didn't like me and I didn't want to be anywhere near them.

 

Some teens see parents as the bad guy. This girls doesn't have any reason to view you as otherwise. She may never if you give off "you're despicable to me" vibe.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

This may be a really dumb question, but why can't your kids eat fruit and crackers for breakfast if the cereal is gone? Both in this case, and in the hypothetical case of the adult visitor who you said you'd tell to eat fruit and crackers instead of cereal if he asked for cereal.

 

If it were something with more nutrition or expense than fruit and crackers, I'd better understand the outrage, but cereal is less nutritious and costs less than fruit and crackers. Especially when bought by the gigantic bagful.

 

What am I missing?

[Murphy101]

I never spent any time with my friends parents when I was a kid. I came to be with my friend. Not to hang out with their mom. That would have been really weird to me. We sat in the driveway or patio or bedroom or other separate area and talked about work, school, periods, boys, books... Whatever.

 

I'd have been weirded out and put by you asking me (grilling) about my parents and such. I was embarrassed that my aren't didn't care and it showed. I'd have been worried that if I said or did the wrong thing, you wouldn't want your kid around me anymore. I'd wonder what I had done to make you question me and if you disliked me.

 

As for her not knowing your negative opinion - of course she did unless she has some sn that makes her blissfully ignorant, kids always know.

[Catwoman]

If your mother's instinct tells you something might "be going on" with the new friend, ask your daughter. Today.

 

 

And then you must let us all know what she says :D

 

 

I believe those are the Official Hive Rules in this sort of situation, so I, too, will be watching for an update. :D

 

Seriously, though, try to find out what creeped out your other kids about this girl. She had to have said or done something out of the ordinary. Otherwise, they would have just thought she was quiet or shy or mean, and I wouldn't have thought much about that kind of comment. But "creepy" makes me wonder.

[southcarolinamom]

I believe those are the Official Hive Rules in this sort of situation, so I, too, will be watching for an update. :D

 

Seriously, though, try to find out what creeped out your other kids about this girl. She had to have said or done something out of the ordinary. Otherwise, they would have just thought she was quiet or shy or mean, and I wouldn't have thought much about that kind of comment. But "creepy" makes me wonder.

 

:iagree:

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I think the only thing you are missing is that she isn't flexible. She doesn't like having people over. And I get that because I'm the same way. So she shouldn't have agreed to it, or should have planned on a guest. Meaning planning on having her routine disrupted.

 

I guess so.

 

I do understand feeling weird about guests when one has a very low grocery budget. I developed a real complex that lasted for years after several hospitality attempts fell flat and the rude guests actually told me my food was insufficient. (These incidents happened 15 years ago!)

 

The facts:

 

In the first instance, 1. It was vegetarian because I couldn't afford meat, but my tables were overflowing with many dishes I'd spent two days preparing. I had a full spread, including desserts and a variety of beverages, and 2. those people had no class in the first place.

 

But I took it really personally when they joked about having to eat "rabbit food" for supper and how they'd have to stop at McDonalds on the way home so they didn't starve.

 

I recovered from that, moved to a different region of the country, and tried again (the second instance of humiliation) hosting a very casual dinner with a variety of soups, breads, salads, cheeses, and desserts. Half the guests loved my food, but the other half wondered where the meat was and couldn't eat much because they didn't like vegetables or beans. They just sat there nibbling bread, and then awkwardly went home early. Or maybe they went to McDonalds.

 

I stopped having anyone over, except whole foods people or vegetarians or family, for years.

 

Why am I telling all this? Oh, yeah. It's because I do understand trying to provide food for guests while trying not to decimate your own kids' grocery budget. It's an awful feeling when the guests reject what you managed to pull together.

 

On the other hand, this is a strange teen in a new setting who didn't want the lasagna for reasons unknown but is hungry. And the daughter of the household is in a totally awkward position where it seems like the only polite thing to do is to share the (unapproved by Mom) food that the visitor seems willing to eat. That does seem like the polite thing to me, too. I'd be proud of her for seeing the visit through with the least amount of embarrassment to the guest.

 

I'm with Astrid. I'm sorry for both girls, and hope the OP and dd can figure out how to handle this type of thing next time without anyone feeling outraged, embarrassed, scolded, too shy, rejected, or hungry.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I don't like vegetarian meals, but I'm an adult and if you hosted me in your home you would never know I felt that way. But with a kid who comes from a background unknown to you.... I think one really needs to accommodate to some extent.

 

Just trying to put myself in the position of the young girl with the friend over and the friend says she doesn't like what is served and then later she is hungry and so then I grab the cereal....not the biggest surprise/deal really. If that is the WORST thing they do....They didn't raid a liquor cabinet. They didn't sneak out. They didn't crank call people. They ate some cereal. Big whip...

 

ITA.

 

(If I had you over I would talk to you beforehand to ask if my menu was alright. That's one good thing we've all learned in this unfortunate age of food allergies!)

[Mom in High Heels]

This may be a really dumb question, but why can't your kids eat fruit and crackers for breakfast if the cereal is gone? Both in this case, and in the hypothetical case of the adult visitor who you said you'd tell to eat fruit and crackers instead of cereal if he asked for cereal.

 

If it were something with more nutrition or expense than fruit and crackers, I'd better understand the outrage, but cereal is less nutritious and costs less than fruit and crackers. Especially when bought by the gigantic bagful.

 

What am I missing?

 

I had this same thought. Wouldn't the fruit and crackers be a more filling breakfast than "junk" cereal? Don't get me wrong, I love cereal. Love, love, love it, but never for breakfast. Blech. We eat it for snacks. Heck, I've even had days where I ate it for lunch AND dinner because I was busy and Indy or James Bond were either elsewhere or didn't want dinner, but not for breakfast.

[warneral]

I don't know the girl or what situation she is in but I know the feeling of overreacting (I do it really well :D) and think perhaps you are. But either way, have a heart to heart with your dd after she is gone and express how the visit made you feel and ask her what she felt. She was probably pretty uncomfortable since this is not what happens when her other friends visit.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I had this same thought. Wouldn't the fruit and crackers be a more filling breakfast than "junk" cereal? Don't get me wrong, I love cereal. Love, love, love it, but never for breakfast. Blech. We eat it for snacks. Heck, I've even had days where I ate it for lunch AND dinner because I was busy and Indy or James Bond were either elsewhere or didn't want dinner, but not for breakfast.

 

Seinfeld! :lol:

 

Wait, he only ate it for breakfast. Do you remember that episode where he thought he found his soul mate, because she was exactly like him right down to the cereal, but then he gradually realized he didn't want a clone of himself? The turning point when he stopped loving her was when he caught her eating cereal twice in one day.

 

(TD, evidently bored and trying to derail the thread for reasons unknown, which I will now stop doing with apologies to the OP)

[AvasMom]

I think you are overreacting. But this is precisely why I don't have people over. I'm not flexible.

 

:iagree: Me too. I've even given up on being the cool, fun mom. I'm a stick in the mud and I'm ok with it. :D

 

That being said, the cereal would annoy me but not tick me off. As for the door, I would just make them open it.

[mrs.m]

My DD has a friend that won't eat in front of any adult except her family. She will say all kinds of things to get out of it. I didn't know until her mom told me. But she will eat if I allowed the girls to dine in my DD's room. So it's a compromise to make things work for the evening.

 

I also think you need to lighten up about the way she was dropped off. I have a family friend who drives my kids around on occassion. Nothing bad happened from this situation, so I'd just let it be.

 

I would talk to your DD and ask her what she thinks about how the evening went. You might need to open your mind a bit and listen to her side of the story without judgement of her being influenced.

[radiobrain]

I have nothing to add, I only wanted to get in on a hot thread. That never happens.

 

Thank you!:D

 

:auto:

[clarkacademy]

OK for all the people still harping on cereal which I clearly stated was not the big deal. Now her dad cannot pick her up till tonight and he was too busy at work to speak to me. When I asked if I could take her home her mom wouldn't like that she said? I have been nothing but nice to this girl and I did not grill her about her parents.

 

These are the rules No I don't want a kid here unless I talk to a parent what if she is a runaway I could get in legal trouble saying I didn't know won't cut it the law. I know this my dad is a cop. I took them all out for pizza which she ate just fine so no allergies to dairy there.

 

I know why she won't meat my eyes and why she wanted to pig out at my house because the whole drive from wherever she was she was getting high with her sister in law I saw the texts on my phone. I also overheard the converstaion at Walmart when they were walking behind me with her telling my daughter stuff and my daughter saying that she should have told her she smokes and coming over isn't a good idea anymore

 

My littles finally told me that lastnight she was cussing while they played when my daughter was in the shower saying how bad it was to have little ###### in the room they should go play somewhere else. If I didn't have a darn cold I would have smelled it myself. My daughter is in her room upset telling me nothing is wrong the girl is on the porch waiting for her dad even though he won't be here for hours.

 

I have still done nothing but be kind to this girl even though I overheard her telling my kid she will let everyone know what a good goody she is before walking out the door. I don't mind guests never have my kids know this There has been weirdness since the kid got here. I also do expect any kid in this house to follow my rules regardless.

 

I would also expect my kids to follow other peoples. I have never had a kid not wanna be here but I guess up until now my kids have never been around pot smokers and sneaks.

[justamouse]

OK for all the people still harping on cereal which I clearly stated was not the big deal. Now her dad cannot pick her up till tonight and he was too busy at work to speak to me. When I asked if I could take her home her mom wouldn't like that she said? I have been nothing but nice to this girl and I did not grill her about her parents.

 

These are the rules No I don't want a kid here unless I talk to a parent what if she is a runaway I could get in legal trouble saying I didn't know won't cut it the law. I know this my dad is a cop. I took them all out for pizza which she ate just fine so no allergies to dairy there.

 

I know why she won't meat my eyes and why she wanted to pig out at my house because the whole drive from wherever she was she was getting high with her sister in law I saw the texts on my phone. I also overheard the converstaion at Walmart when they were walking behind me with her telling my daughter stuff and my daughter saying that she should have told her she smokes and coming over isn't a good idea anymore

 

My littles finally told me that lastnight she was cussing while they played when my daughter was in the shower saying how bad it was to have little ###### in the room they should go play somewhere else. If I didn't have a darn cold I would have smelled it myself. My daughter is in her room upset telling me nothing is wrong the girl is on the porch waiting for her dad even though he won't be here for hours.

 

I have still done nothing but be kind to this girl even though I overheard her telling my kid she will let everyone know what a good goody she is before walking out the door. I don't mind guests never have my kids know this There has been weirdness since the kid got here. I also do expect any kid in this house to follow my rules regardless.

 

I would also expect my kids to follow other peoples. I have never had a kid not wanna be here but I guess up until now my kids have never been around pot smokers and sneaks.

 

 

Ahh so the kid had the muchies. I remember going through a few boxes of fruit roll ups myself, and I still turned into a pretty productive adult. :001_smile:

 

Look, there is a reason this kid is smoking pot. And your house may be an oasis. YOUR house and your family and your love may be the house and love and family that changes her life.

 

Be nice. Ask the kid if you can help. Go the extra mile.

[clarkacademy]

I never spent any time with my friends parents when I was a kid. I came to be with my friend. Not to hang out with their mom. That would have been really weird to me. We sat in the driveway or patio or bedroom or other separate area and talked about work, school, periods, boys, books... Whatever.

 

I'd have been weirded out and put by you asking me (grilling) about my parents and such. I was embarrassed that my aren't didn't care and it showed. I'd have been worried that if I said or did the wrong thing, you wouldn't want your kid around me anymore. I'd wonder what I had done to make you question me and if you disliked me.

 

As for her not knowing your negative opinion - of course she did unless she has some sn that makes her blissfully ignorant, kids always know.

 

I don't know where you got the I grilled her about her parents bit? I asked for a phone number she said the phone was broke, I asked to call her dad she said I can't. That is all that has been said period. I don't see how i have been unkind I have spent maybe 10 minutes total in her company and was friendly.

 

I can be polite and kind even if I don't like someone. That is just adult behavior. As is she dug her own grave my kid wants nothing to do with her now so I can still say my kid has great judgement and learns from her mistakes.

 

I know all their friends I know their families I think it is weird any mother would not want to know who her kid is around

[clarkacademy]

Ahh so the kid had the muchies. I remember going through a few boxes of fruit roll ups myself, and I still turned into a pretty productive adult. :001_smile:

 

Look, there is a reason this kid is smoking pot. And your house may be an oasis. YOUR house and your family and your love may be the house and love and family that changes her life.

 

Be nice. Ask the kid if you can help. Go the extra mile.

 

I asked the kid if she would like to stay in the front room while waiting she rudely said no. My daughter will only say they had an argument she doesn't realize I saw the texts and overheard the conversation. I don't think she knows that her little siblings got cussed at because I think it would come to blows then.

[Jenny in Florida]

O

I know why she won't meat my eyes and why she wanted to pig out at my house because the whole drive from wherever she was she was getting high with her sister in law I saw the texts on my phone. I also overheard the converstaion at Walmart when they were walking behind me with her telling my daughter stuff and my daughter saying that she should have told her she smokes and coming over isn't a good idea anymore.

 

Wait . . . what? She was texting with her sister-in-law on your phone?

[Walking-Iris]

I haven't read all of the replies, but my initial thoughts are: how does your dd know someone well enough to want to invite over without you being aware of it?

 

And also, you can't shelter your kid's from those types of encounters. Sad as it is there are going to be moments in a 15 year old girl's life where they are hurt and disillusioned by a "friend."

 

My advice is to not come down hard on your dd, (not saying you are, but in case you felt any urge to ban her from the friend etc) but to listen to her about any feelings of disappointment she may have about her guest's behavior. She's likely to feel a tad hurt.

 

ETA: I'd be careful about being vocally critical of the girl after she is gone. Something about her your dd liked, and although she is aware now that this person may not be what she seemed, she still may be feeling a tad foolish about it. I do remember those moments where my mom came down hard about a particular friend and it made me put up my guard. I *knew* my mom was right, but I didn't want to hear her say it. And then I'd find myself justifying or defending the person's actions.

Edited July 14, 2012 by Walking-Iris

[clarkacademy]

Wait . . . what? She was texting with her sister-in-law on your phone?

 

I guess so. My daughter usually has my phone I used it today and saw them They were from last night she was asking her how to get the red out of her eyes and if she would bring her taco bell

[Galatea]

OK for all the people still harping on cereal which I clearly stated was not the big deal. Now her dad cannot pick her up till tonight and he was too busy at work to speak to me. When I asked if I could take her home her mom wouldn't like that she said? I have been nothing but nice to this girl and I did not grill her about her parents.

 

These are the rules No I don't want a kid here unless I talk to a parent what if she is a runaway I could get in legal trouble saying I didn't know won't cut it the law. I know this my dad is a cop. I took them all out for pizza which she ate just fine so no allergies to dairy there.

 

I know why she won't meat my eyes and why she wanted to pig out at my house because the whole drive from wherever she was she was getting high with her sister in law I saw the texts on my phone. I also overheard the converstaion at Walmart when they were walking behind me with her telling my daughter stuff and my daughter saying that she should have told her she smokes and coming over isn't a good idea anymore

 

My littles finally told me that lastnight she was cussing while they played when my daughter was in the shower saying how bad it was to have little ###### in the room they should go play somewhere else. If I didn't have a darn cold I would have smelled it myself. My daughter is in her room upset telling me nothing is wrong the girl is on the porch waiting for her dad even though he won't be here for hours.

 

I have still done nothing but be kind to this girl even though I overheard her telling my kid she will let everyone know what a good goody she is before walking out the door. I don't mind guests never have my kids know this There has been weirdness since the kid got here. I also do expect any kid in this house to follow my rules regardless.

 

I would also expect my kids to follow other peoples. I have never had a kid not wanna be here but I guess up until now my kids have never been around pot smokers and sneaks.

 

Some of your suspicions may have turned out to be correct about this girl, but at the heart of the problem is that YOU broke YOUR OWN rules. If you don't want kids you don't know over at your house, then don't have kids you don't know over at your house. If you want to talk to a parent before a kid comes over, make sure you talk to a parent first. It was you that let those rules go, and now you are upset about the results.

 

If her dad is at work, and you know for sure she is doing drugs, etc and you don't want your children to be around that, you should take her home whether her mom would be happy about it or not. Either you're interested in helping with her home life or you're not. It doesn't sound like you're interested, so just get out of the situation.

 

Your daughter will reap the natural consequences of her choice in friends if the girl tells people she is a goody goody.

[justamouse]

I asked the kid if she would like to stay in the front room while waiting she rudely said no. My daughter will only say they had an argument she doesn't realize I saw the texts and overheard the conversation. I don't think she knows that her little siblings got cussed at because I think it would come to blows then.

 

Tell her. And it should't come to blows, she should feel sorry for this kid and you should have a talk with her dad and show him the texts on your phone.

 

If I were you, I'd take my phone, go sit down next to her and show her. And ask her if there is any way you can help her. Don't be judgmental, just be a soft place for a broken kid to land.

[Jeannie in NJ]

I found it very strange that a parent (meaning the girl's parents) would let their daughter stay over at the house of someone they did not know. I would have not let her stay over. I do not like strangers in my house. The only friend of my dd's that has ever stayed over is her bff that she has known for 13 years and we know all of her family. Dd has never asked for anyone else to stay over (she personally does not want anyone else to stay over except for bf) and she does not like to stay over at anyone's house either.

 

It sound like it would be best for your dd not to be friends with this girl and that she probably realizes that now.

[Coffeetime]

Tell her. And it should't come to blows, she should feel sorry for this kid and you should have a talk with her dad and show him the texts on your phone.

 

If I were you, I'd take my phone, go sit down next to her and show her. And ask her if there is any way you can help her. Don't be judgmental, just be a soft place for a broken kid to land.

 

:iagree:

From the things you already posted about her, it was obvious to me that she didn't have a great home life or parents who were invested. I would let her know that you know about the txts, and that you are there for her. Frankly, unless she's an total technical goober, she already knows that you either know or will find out since she didn't delete the txts. Maybe this is her way of crying out for help. Let her know that you are an adult who cares and wishes to help. It will be a wonderful lesson for your children as well, in helping those who don't have it as good as they have it. So very sad. :(

[clarkacademy]

Some of your suspicions may have turned out to be correct about this girl, but at the heart of the problem is that YOU broke YOUR OWN rules. If you don't want kids you don't know over at your house, then don't have kids you don't know over at your house. If you want to talk to a parent before a kid comes over, make sure you talk to a parent first. It was you that let those rules go, and now you are upset about the results.

 

If her dad is at work, and you know for sure she is doing drugs, etc and you don't want your children to be around that, you should take her home whether her mom would be happy about it or not. Either you're interested in helping with her home life or you're not. It doesn't sound like you're interested, so just get out of the situation.

 

Your daughter will reap the natural consequences of her choice in friends if the girl tells people she is a goody goody.

 

 

I thought I was talking to her mother. My kid handed me the phone saying here talk to her mom. I can't take her home I don't know where she lives. Anyone who knows my kid knows she don't do anything bad so why this girl would befriend her is beyond me. My girl told me she started school the last month it was in session and she felt bad cause she had no friends it seemed.

 

The kid left state to visit grandparents right after school ended and just got back into town. I don't think the kid wants help from her actions. Basically lieing and with holding truths don't scream help me.

[Mimm]

I AM NOT UPSET OVER THE CEREAL!!!!!!! I worded the op badly and maybe focused on the aggravation but I am upset that my daughter who is a great kid is all of a sudden not acting like herself is it this kids influence????

 

People often reply to the OP without reading all the replies. You will continue to get answers to your OP throughout the thread. If it is worded poorly and you are going to react poorly to these replies, perhaps you should go edit it to better reflect your state of mind.

 

I have not read past this post, so please don't yell at me if someone has addressed this. :p

[Galatea]

I thought I was talking to her mother. My kid handed me the phone saying here talk to her mom. I can't take her home I don't know where she lives. Anyone who knows my kid knows she don't do anything bad so why this girl would befriend her is beyond me. My girl told me she started school the last month it was in session and she felt bad cause she had no friends it seemed.

 

The kid left state to visit grandparents right after school ended and just got back into town. I don't think the kid wants help from her actions. Basically lieing and with holding truths don't scream help me.

 

Most teenagers will not project when they need help. Her behaviors are most likely coping behaviors from dealing with her own parents.

 

If you're as rigid about rules as you seem to be from your other posts, it seems weird to me that you had a girl over to your house who you don't know, you don't know her family, you don't know where she lives, but you're not willing to talk to her to see if she needs some help/support. Most people are either the type who help troubled kids or the type that only want stable kids visiting in their homes. It doesn't sound like you're comfortable being the first type, so why did you bend the rules on being the 2nd type?

 

At this point you have a few choices. Either talk to her and let her know you're aware of her problems (using your phone to text about drugs seems like a cry for help to me) and are willing to help if she needs it. Or you let her wait on the porch for someone to pick her up. Or if she's disruptive or you don't want to deal with her, call the police to give her a ride home.

[hana]

I thought I was talking to her mother. My kid handed me the phone saying here talk to her mom. I can't take her home I don't know where she lives. Anyone who knows my kid knows she don't do anything bad so why this girl would befriend her is beyond me. My girl told me she started school the last month it was in session and she felt bad cause she had no friends it seemed.

 

The kid left state to visit grandparents right after school ended and just got back into town. I don't think the kid wants help from her actions. Basically lieing and with holding truths don't scream help me.

 

The part I bolded above actually does demonstrate the child needs help. You and your daughter don't have to to be the ones to give it, but she needs help.

[catz]

Yes, you are way overreacting. However, it sounds like your house is on too tight of a budget to have friends visit. I understand your need for such rationing, but I don't know anyone, especially a child, that would be able to realize it without explicit instructions. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: If your budget is really that tight and having extra food around is really that risky, I just wouldn't do this again. If this is the biggest issue you are having with your teen, I'd count you as pretty lucky.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Wow. This has taken a wild turn.

 

Is she still out on the porch refusing to talk to anyone? Why couldn't she tell you where she lives? I'd really, really be wanting to take her home at this point.

[clarkacademy]

Most teenagers will not project when they need help. Her behaviors are most likely coping behaviors from dealing with her own parents.

 

If you're as rigid about rules as you seem to be from your other posts, it seems weird to me that you had a girl over to your house who you don't know, you don't know her family, you don't know where she lives, but you're not willing to talk to her to see if she needs some help/support. Most people are either the type who help troubled kids or the type that only want stable kids visiting in their homes. It doesn't sound like you're comfortable being the first type, so why did you bend the rules on being the 2nd type?

 

At this point you have a few choices. Either talk to her and let her know you're aware of her problems (using your phone to text about drugs seems like a cry for help to me) and are willing to help if she needs it. Or you let her wait on the porch for someone to pick her up. Or if she's disruptive or you don't want to deal with her, call the police to give her a ride home.

 

I have helped kids for years all kinds of kids even troubled ones. I am raising two special needs boys I am not rigid. No I have never been involved around a child who does drugs they are not one my kid would hang out with. It is not being judmental it is being safe. I would not associate with an adult who is doing drugs either. Protect yourself first.

 

She is just sitting there not doing anything wrong so I am not calling the police. I let her come over because it is summer, she had been out of town and there had been no chance to get to know her. I had no idea that the person bringing her was not her mother neither did my daughter.

[Jean in Newcastle]

With the new information - this is what I would do:

 

1. put up with her until her dad comes to get her.

 

2. tell your dd that she is not coming over again. I know that some people would disagree with me but smoking pot is a deal breaker for me.

 

3. follow your own rule on talking to a parent in the future. (I realize that you thought that the SIL was the mom.)

[Soror]

With the new information - this is what I would do:

 

1. put up with her until her dad comes to get her.

 

2. tell your dd that she is not coming over again. I know that some people would disagree with me but smoking pot is a deal breaker for me.

 

3. follow your own rule on talking to a parent in the future. (I realize that you thought that the SIL was the mom.)

 

:iagree: And I'm not surprised your instincts were right. This thread could just have easily went the other direction of completely agreeing with you but you never know.

[clarkacademy]

:iagree: And I'm not surprised your instincts were right. This thread could just have easily went the other direction of completely agreeing with you but you never know.

 

I tried once more to get her to come in the front room told her she could watch TV alone until her dad gets here she said no she would rather sit outside than listen to the loud brats playing. She also told me for my information her mother could care less where she is she hasn't been home in months and her dad said do whatever she wanted but if she got arrested she was on her own. If I thought that by speaking to her dad she would get in trouble she warned me I would be lucky if he didn't start yelling at me :confused: