Would you be upset?

[clarkacademy]

ETA this is not about cereal that was one point of aggravation please do not respond over the cereal that is not the point I was stating how my daughter was acting and it seemed that was hard to understand so to be clear this is not about the cereal

 

 

I have a 15 year old daughter who is a really great kid 99% of the time. She has some small moments nothing ever major. She helps me out with the youngers doesn't run wild has great manners other adults adore her but every now and then I am just kinda at a standstill. This is the situation...

 

A few nigts ago she came to me with Can my friend stay all night? OK there has only been one friend who comes here often which I totally adore and calls me mom. I just love her considering the relationship it is not an ask situation so right off I knew this was someone else. She talks about a kid I have never even heard of before.

 

Well I say I guess it is summer we do live in the boonies not many other kids around etc. Right off she says the kid is coming Friday and leaving Sunday night.Um NO! I don't know this kid I would not feel comfortable with all that. OK fine she will leave Saturday afternoon.

 

I fully expect the kids mother to drop her off I have been giving directions over the phone assuming it was the mother No it was the sister in law who looked about 16 to be truthful. Not happy but the kid is here what can I do right?

 

OK move forward it is dinner I hear my kid go into the bedroom telling her what we are having for dinner the kid is all I don't eat that tell your mom I already ate, OK for me and 4 kids we have a 600 a month budget for food and not food items this includes the animals food too toilet paper etc.

 

Everything is budgeted I have a kid with food issues (tourettes adhd etc) Meals even breakfast is totally planned down to how much cereal is needed for a week. I always make sure to get a bit extra in case of guests a bit ..... I tell the kid I will wrap her dinner up and she can have it later if she gets hungry.

 

I catch the door to my daughters room locked this is a major NO NO we do not lock doors I knock I enter there is no reason to lock doors especially since she is sharing a room with her sister. This ticks me off I say nothing I wake up this morning to make my youngest breakfast the bag of cereal is gone. Just gone I am like OK where did the cereal go?

 

They had taken it in the bedroom at some point and ate over half the bag. Just snacking on it like chips or something. I am very angry. That kids plate is still wrapped in my fridge along with lastnights leftovers. The rule in this house being if you are hungry later you eat the leftovers period. Now she tells me the kid will be picked up tonight instead of this afternoon.

 

I want the kid to leave I am angry and I feel like I am going to snap. Am I overreacting?

Edited July 14, 2012 by clarkacademy

[annandatje]

Yes.

[dm379]

If everything was budgeted, yes I would be upset.

 

Here, I expect the kids to sneak junk food during sleepovers. It is part of the fun and I leave it within easy reach. But I don't budget like I should.

[clarkacademy]

If everything was budgeted, yes I would be upset.

 

Here, I expect the kids to sneak junk food during sleepovers. It is part of the fun and I leave it within easy reach. But I don't budget like I should.

 

 

I can see that we have popcorn in case but I can't buy snacks and such I have one with autism and if there are treats in the house he will obsess over them eating nothing else. I also noticed the kids will want to snack all the time and bug me over treats.

[ktgrok]

You are overreacting, sorry. There is no way this girl could know that your cereal is accounted for that way, and she might really not have liked what you made. Yes, I suppose your daughter should have told her that she couldn't eat the cereal, but I think it would be hard to be a teen, have someone over for the first time, and have to say, no, you can't eat some cereal as we don't have enough money to buy more.

 

really, although the situation sucks, I do think you are overreacting to be mad that the kids had a snack.

[Acorn]

Yes, I think you are overreacting. I think having my child learn to be a good hostess is more important to me than +/- $2. If your budget is running that tight, maybe eggs or oatmeal would work out to be cheaper per serving.

[Jan in SC]

Yes, you are way overreacting. However, it sounds like your house is on too tight of a budget to have friends visit. I understand your need for such rationing, but I don't know anyone, especially a child, that would be able to realize it without explicit instructions. :grouphug:

[Soror]

I'd be aggravated that your dd, who knows the house rules, didn't follow them. If you don't have the money, you don't have it. I also think perhaps in the vein of being a good hostess you and your daughter should talk next time and plan out a snack for fun that could fit in the budget, ie something cheap and homemade, maybe even they could make themselves.

[Jean in Newcastle]

It is not the guest's fault. If you are angry at the guest then you are overreacting.

 

A 15 year old daughter, however, should understand your budgeting difficulties if you have explained them to her. She would have to babysit or do yard work or otherwise have to replace the groceries - it shouldn't take too much work to earn the money to replace a box of cereal.

 

In the future all arrangements should be made parent to parent. I would be angry at myself for not having done that.

[SpecialClassical]

I totally understand your feelings, but I do think you are overreacting. The visitor has no idea what your rules are. Perhaps she thought it was nice of you to save her dinner, but she didn't like it. Maybe at her house that is perfectly acceptable.

 

Then she asked your daughter if she could just have some cereal. So your daughter grabbed the cereal and they snacked on that. All the while your daughter felt guilty, but didn't know what to say or how to say it. She didn't want her friend to go hungry.

 

Just trying to give you a different perspective. If anyone deserves a consequence, it is your daughter because she knew the rules and why they are so important. I would wait until the guest is gone and then address it with your child.

[helena]

I think you're overreacting. They're kids, it's a sleep over, summer fun and silliness are a good thing. A food budget is probably the last thing on their minds.

 

 

FWIW both of my daughters have TS, I totally get food issues. Sometimes it's hard to let go of my frustration and exhaustion on the food/TS stuff. I'm sure adding a tight budget to that is overwhelming at times. :grouphug:

 

Don't be angry. :grouphug:

 

ETA: The locked door... now that I'd be upset about. I'd say something in front of both of them like "We don't lock doors in this house, don't do it again."

Edited July 14, 2012 by helena

[Kathryn]

Yes, you're overreacting, and your anger should be on your daughter, who knows the rules, and not this girl, who does not. I understand you are on a budget, but this girl doesn't know that. I'd probably be upset also, but at the daughter, not her friend.

[GraciebytheBay]

Gently here, but IMO you are very much overreacting. I can't imagine a sleepover without snacks, especially if the kid hadn't eaten earlier. I realize you are on a strict budget and this must have been difficult for you to see that the cereal was gone when you'd planned it for your own kids. I might suggest that you reconsider having guests over or maybe set aside the approved snacks that they can have. I'd make sure it was "fun" sleepover food just for your daughter and her friend as a special treat (if you can't afford to buy it for the whole family).

 

I know it is hard to be on a strict budget. Sounds like you're doing a great job managing on a shoestring. Maybe just a few $ extra for special occasions could be added?

[emzhengjiu]

Well, I think you are overreacting about the cereal. To me that's not a big deal at all and my food budget is very tight. Personally, I wouldn't apply the rule that you have to eat what is prepared before snacks to a visitor staying the night. It's seems so cold to me.

 

The locked door is different. That is a big deal to me. We have a rule that bedroom doors are not locked, ever! Normally, there's no visiting or playing behind closed doors either. Because our house is small, visiting girls sleep on the floor in the living room. It's open so there's no issue with locks or undue privacy. We're an all girl household, except for the cats, so sleeping the living room works for us. My daughters are almost 12 and 15.

 

I'm not sure why you are upset about who dropped off the girl. I wouldn't care as long as her parents approved.

 

From all you've written, it seems you really didn't want the girl to visit and are now reacting irritably to almost everything that happens.

 

ETA: If your daughter knew the rules and broke them deliberately, you should talk with her. I agree with the other posters that it's your daughter's responsibility to obey your rules. Are you sure she understands your rules clearly? Her friend most likely doesn't even know there's a problem.

Edited July 14, 2012 by emzhengjiu

[clarkacademy]

I am angry over the locking of the door, and ignoring the rules period. She is also not allowed any food at all in her room. We live in FL you are asking for bugs doing that stuff. They had already made 2 bags of popcorn. I don't see how anyone could eat over half a bag These are big bags of cereal. I am a very good hostess. Her other friends adore eating here because I cook. I was taught that kids eat what is served, I always did.

 

If my kid was picky and they went somewhere I would send them food or tell them to starve. I can say that if my kids are in your home they would never ask for anything that is not being served, they may decline but they wouldn't ask for something different or complain or outright lie saying they already ate. If she would have been honest I may have offered something but she point blank told a lie with the I already ate I heard her saying she didn't like what I made.

[Skadi]

Even if you are on a budget, I think hospitality dictates that you shouldn't invite guests over if you can't spare half a bag of cereal.

 

I honestly wouldn't even blame your daughter. Imagine how she must have felt when this friend said that she didn't want leftovers because she didn't care for what was cooked, and then asked to snack on some cereal. In your daughters position, it seems like it would have been rude (and humiliating) not to concede to such a small request.

 

Edit: she shouldn't have lied about having already eaten. However, I don't think this is a big deal considering her motive was probably not to seem rude by turning away what was cooked. It's evident that YOU believe that one should never do that, but different families have different standards and this must be accounted for.

Edited July 14, 2012 by Skadi

[clarkacademy]

Well, I think you are overreacting about the cereal. To me that's not a big deal at all and my food budget is very tight. Personally, I wouldn't apply the rule that you have to eat what is prepared before snacks to a visitor staying the night. It's seems so cold to me.

 

The locked door is different. That is a big deal to me. We have a rule that bedroom doors are not locked, ever! Normally, there's no visiting or playing behind closed doors either. Because our house is small, visiting girls sleep on the floor in the living room. It's open so there's no issue with locks or undue privacy. We're an all girl household, except for the cats, so sleeping the living room works for us. My daughters are almost 12 and 15.

 

I'm not sure why you are upset about who dropped off the girl. I wouldn't care as long as her parents approved.

 

From all you've written, it seems you really didn't want the girl to visit and are now reacting irritably to almost everything that happens. But that's JMHO.

 

This is a point too. I have never spoken to her parent. I have no idea she says her moms phone is broke.

[ktgrok]

I am angry over the locking of the door, and ignoring the rules period. She is also not allowed any food at all in her room. We live in FL you are asking for bugs doing that stuff.

 

Also in florida, no bugs, and we do allow food in the rooms as long as it is cleaned up afterwards. The visitor had no way of knowing that she couldn't eat in the room.

They had already made 2 bags of popcorn. I don't see how anyone could eat over half a bag These are big bags of cereal.

Teens can eat a lot.

I am a very good hostess. Her other friends adore eating here because I cook. I was taught that kids eat what is served, I always did.

 

If my kid was picky and they went somewhere I would send them food or tell them to starve. I can say that if my kids are in your home they would never ask for anything that is not being served, they may decline but they wouldn't ask for something different or complain or outright lie saying they already ate. If she would have been honest I may have offered something but she point blank told a lie with the I already ate I heard her saying she didn't like what I made.

So it would have been LESS rude to say no, I don't want that, I don't like it? I mean, I get it...I guess she could have said I'm sorry< don't care for ________". But I think she was trying to spare your feelings by saying she already ate, not be deceitful. I've been known to do the same thing. I am curious what you made that she wouldn't eat?

[clarkacademy]

Gently here, but IMO you are very much overreacting. I can't imagine a sleepover without snacks, especially if the kid hadn't eaten earlier. I realize you are on a strict budget and this must have been difficult for you to see that the cereal was gone when you'd planned it for your own kids. I might suggest that you reconsider having guests over or maybe set aside the approved snacks that they can have. I'd make sure it was "fun" sleepover food just for your daughter and her friend as a special treat (if you can't afford to buy it for the whole family).

 

I know it is hard to be on a strict budget. Sounds like you're doing a great job managing on a shoestring. Maybe just a few $ extra for special occasions could be added?

 

Again there is popcorn, apples oranges and the ramen noodles my adores despite their being gross to me :D I am angry because I have never seen my daughter not follow the rules because of another kid. There is always fruit, crackers and such just no junk because they don't need it. The only junk is cereal I would say.

[clarkacademy]

So it would have been LESS rude to say no, I don't want that, I don't like it? I mean, I get it...I guess she could have said I'm sorry< don't care for ________". But I think she was trying to spare your feelings by saying she already ate, not be deceitful. I've been known to do the same thing. I am curious what you made that she wouldn't eat?

 

I made pizza lasagna half pepporoni half plain cheese. Garlic bread and applesauce.

[emzhengjiu]

I made pizza lasagna half pepporoni half plain cheese. Garlic bread and applesauce.

 

Send me what she didn't eat. It sounds great!

[ktgrok]

Maybe she can't eat cheese? She might not want to bring it up, and inconvenience you. My son couldn't eat that, because of the dairy, and would feel badly saying so. He would feel he was being nice by just munching on dry cereal later. And how would she know that apples and oranges are ok to eat but not the cereal? If she had eaten a bunch of caviar I'd understand. But maybe $2 in cereal? I think that is overreacting.

[clarkacademy]

It is not the guest's fault. If you are angry at the guest then you are overreacting.

 

A 15 year old daughter, however, should understand your budgeting difficulties if you have explained them to her. She would have to babysit or do yard work or otherwise have to replace the groceries - it shouldn't take too much work to earn the money to replace a box of cereal.

 

In the future all arrangements should be made parent to parent. I would be angry at myself for not having done that.

 

I was under the impression when my daughter handed me the phone saying here give her mom directions that I was talking to the parent. My daughter said she thought it was her mom too. I just don't feel comfortable not speaking to her mom because supposedly her phone is broke and her dad is working all day and cannot get calls.

[clarkacademy]

Maybe she can't eat cheese? She might not want to bring it up, and inconvenience you. My son couldn't eat that, because of the dairy, and would feel badly saying so. He would feel he was being nice by just munching on dry cereal later. And how would she know that apples and oranges are ok to eat but not the cereal? If she had eaten a bunch of caviar I'd understand. But maybe $2 in cereal? I think that is overreacting.

 

My daughter knows what snacks are that is why I am angry. I have never seen her just blatantly ignore the rules over another kid before this really ticks me off. I would never want a kid to be hungry in my house ever. But after eating two bags of popcorn my daughter should have offered something else like crackers or fruit. This kid has stayed in her bedroom the whole time she hasn't come out so this is all on my kiddo.

 

I wanna know if I should be upset with my daughter? I am worried this kid I had never even heard of before has such power I guess over her? This upsets and worries me.

[clarkacademy]

Send me what she didn't eat. It sounds great!

 

 

It was really good! :D One of our favorites

[2cents]

I think you have a right to feel the way you are feeling. That was a nice meal you planned and even held some for the guest in case she got hungry. It would bother me most of all that dd was ignoring the house rules. Your dd should not have locked the door and should have asked to take the cereal as a snack. Doing those things without asking shows that this new guest seems to have an influence on dd that would require some watching. Take it as a red flag and have a long talk with dd after guest leaves. In dd defense, she may have been pressured and may need guidance dealing with this new person. :grouphug:

[Skadi]

Remember that your daughter is 15, and there is precious time left before she leaves the nest. I don't think it's a hill worth dying on.

 

Let this go and you'll both laugh about this one day!

[clarkacademy]

I think you have a right to feel the way you are feeling. That was a nice meal you planned and even held some for the guest in case she got hungry. It would bother me most of all that dd was ignoring the house rules. Your dd should not have locked the door and should have asked to take the cereal as a snack. Doing those things without asking shows that this new guest seems to have an influence on dd that would require some watching. Take it as a red flag and have a long talk with dd after guest leaves. In dd defense, she may have been pressured and may need guidance dealing with this new person. :grouphug:

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: This!! This is the issue not the cereal exactly I think I worded the op a bit off! Thanks for seeing what I was trying to say.

[Coffeetime]

It is not the guest's fault. If you are angry at the guest then you are overreacting.

 

A 15 year old daughter, however, should understand your budgeting difficulties if you have explained them to her. She would have to babysit or do yard work or otherwise have to replace the groceries - it shouldn't take too much work to earn the money to replace a box of cereal.

 

In the future all arrangements should be made parent to parent. I would be angry at myself for not having done that.

 

:iagree:

I think you're overreacting.

Minor "house rules" shouldn't apply to guests. I can't even imagine telling one of my kid's friends that they couldn't eat if they didn't finish their dinner from the night before... especially if I knew they didn't like what I fixed! :confused: Also, if you knew she didn't like it, why didn't you gently ask her if you could fix her something else, instead of letting her go hungry? I'm certain she just didn't want to tell you that she didn't like it... making an excuse seemed more polite to her.

As far as the locked room goes- was she changing or something? Maybe she wasn't comfortable changing without the door being locked? I know I wouldn't be....

Honestly, to me it sounds like you just don't like the girl.... :001_huh:

Maybe she doesn't have the best home life, and this could be an opportunity for your family to reach out to her...

[KS_]

This kid has stayed in her bedroom the whole time she hasn't come out so this is all on my kiddo.

 

I wanna know if I should be upset with my daughter? I am worried this kid I had never even heard of before has such power I guess over her? This upsets and worries me.

 

Something may be up with this kid - the fact that she hasn't come out during the whole time she's been there and the time that she's leaving keeps changing. Maybe she's having trouble at home, pregnant, runaway? Who knows. My sil had a runaway friend when she was in highschool and there was a lot of hiding out, going from one place to another.

[emzhengjiu]

Trying to be gentle because I think you are stressed and hurt; consider that you are angry for an array of reasons. Financial stress is horrible. Ask me how I know? When this guest has left and you are more relaxed, sit down with your daughter to discuss what happened and why. Come up with plans that will help your daughter handle situations such as this in a way that complies with your rules. May I also gently suggest you do so when you are not so irritated. You mentioned your daughter is great most of the time. This is a good kid who broke some rules. Who among us hasn't. This is an opportunity to give her tools to avoid the problems in the future and show her grace.

[annandatje]

:iagree:

I think you're overreacting.

Minor "house rules" shouldn't apply to guests. I can't even imagine telling one of my kid's friends that they couldn't eat if they didn't finish their dinner from the night before... especially if I knew they didn't like what I fixed! :confused: Also, if you knew she didn't like it, why didn't you gently ask her if you could fix her something else, instead of letting her go hungry? I'm certain she just didn't want to tell you that she didn't like it... making an excuse seemed more polite to her.

As far as the locked room goes- was she changing or something? Maybe she wasn't comfortable changing without the door being locked? I know I wouldn't be....

Honestly, to me it sounds like you just don't like the girl.... :001_huh:

Maybe she doesn't have the best home life, and this could be an opportunity for your family to reach out to her...

 

:iagree:

[ktgrok]

My daughter knows what snacks are that is why I am angry. I have never seen her just blatantly ignore the rules over another kid before this really ticks me off. I would never want a kid to be hungry in my house ever. But after eating two bags of popcorn my daughter should have offered something else like crackers or fruit. This kid has stayed in her bedroom the whole time she hasn't come out so this is all on my kiddo.

 

I wanna know if I should be upset with my daughter? I am worried this kid I had never even heard of before has such power I guess over her? This upsets and worries me.

 

Ok, if you had an adult guest staying, say a friend of your husband's, and he asked if he could have some cereal if he got hungry would you flat out say no? Or would you feel in an awkward position as the hostess, and agree? I imagine that is what your daughter felt like.

[Skadi]

Maybe she hasn't come out because she or your daughter are getting a bad vibe from mom. I think it's a little premature to speculate about teen pregnancy.

[Harriet Vane]

You are overreacting, sorry. There is no way this girl could know that your cereal is accounted for that way, and she might really not have liked what you made. Yes, I suppose your daughter should have told her that she couldn't eat the cereal, but I think it would be hard to be a teen, have someone over for the first time, and have to say, no, you can't eat some cereal as we don't have enough money to buy more.

 

really, although the situation sucks, I do think you are overreacting to be mad that the kids had a snack.

 

:iagree:

 

Also, it is completely normal at a sleepover to have a snack. Not to provide one would have made your dd appear negatively to her peers. Also, if the kids are up late giggling and talking, they will naturally get hungry.

 

ETA: The non-parent drop-off would not bother me in the least. There can be any number of legitimate reasons for that. The locked door would bother me, but I would simply say what our rules are and leave it at that.

 

And I would show nothing but kindness and friendliness to any guest in my home.

Edited July 14, 2012 by strider

[Coffeetime]

My daughter knows what snacks are that is why I am angry. I have never seen her just blatantly ignore the rules over another kid before this really ticks me off. I would never want a kid to be hungry in my house ever. But after eating two bags of popcorn my daughter should have offered something else like crackers or fruit. This kid has stayed in her bedroom the whole time she hasn't come out so this is all on my kiddo.

 

I wanna know if I should be upset with my daughter? I am worried this kid I had never even heard of before has such power I guess over her? This upsets and worries me.

 

I see what you're saying now. It sounded as though you were upset with your daughter's guest.

 

Honestly, if your daughter is normally a rule follower, I would just chalk it up to your daughter wanting to be nice to her guest and not seem rude... have a chat with her when her guest leaves. :001_smile:

[mommaduck]

You are overreacting...HOWEVER,

 

the way I tend to deal with this (as we are also tightly budgeted and have kids with food intolerances) is that when I notice a young guest is finicky, I lay out the ground rules immediately (aka when you overheard the guest tell your daughter that she won't eat what you fixed). I don't just mention that the food is wrapped. I state straight out that, in THIS house, everyone eats what is fixed. If they don't eat, then they don't eat. If the rule is that leftovers are to be eaten first, then state it that way. And then state, "please do NOT snack on anything else. We don't have a lot of money and I can't afford waste."

 

And, yes, your daughter is at fault as she should have known better. You do not know how it is at this kid's house or what their social skill issues are. Have a talk with your daughter after her guest leaves. Also, mention that you didn't like how they hid out and acted like they were trying to hide. Find out what you can about the guest.

[clarkacademy]

:iagree:

I think you're overreacting.

Minor "house rules" shouldn't apply to guests. I can't even imagine telling one of my kid's friends that they couldn't eat if they didn't finish their dinner from the night before... especially if I knew they didn't like what I fixed! :confused: Also, if you knew she didn't like it, why didn't you gently ask her if you could fix her something else, instead of letting her go hungry? I'm certain she just didn't want to tell you that she didn't like it... making an excuse seemed more polite to her.

As far as the locked room goes- was she changing or something? Maybe she wasn't comfortable changing without the door being locked? I know I wouldn't be....

Honestly, to me it sounds like you just don't like the girl.... :001_huh:

Maybe she doesn't have the best home life, and this could be an opportunity for your family to reach out to her...

 

That may be so if my daughter didn't have the master bedroom with her own private bathroom. The door wasn't locked before when she was in the bathroom taking a shower because youngest was in there playing. This was at 1 am this morning when everyone else was asleep.

 

I have tried to talk to the kid she answers in one word and avoids eye contact but behind the door I can hear her talking just fine. I don't think she likes adults and she seems really sneaky.

[KS_]

Maybe she hasn't come out because she or your daughter are getting a bad vibe from mom. I think it's a little premature to speculate about teen pregnancy.

 

I was just posting thoughts, that maybe the reason she's been in the room the whole time is because she's going through something difficult.

[Rebecca VA]

It does sound as though you don't like the guest. Your hostility is very apparent.

[helena]

My daughter knows what snacks are that is why I am angry. I have never seen her just blatantly ignore the rules over another kid before this really ticks me off. I would never want a kid to be hungry in my house ever. But after eating two bags of popcorn my daughter should have offered something else like crackers or fruit. This kid has stayed in her bedroom the whole time she hasn't come out so this is all on my kiddo.

 

I wanna know if I should be upset with my daughter? I am worried this kid I had never even heard of before has such power I guess over her? This upsets and worries me.

 

In your OP: I want the kid to leave I am angry and I feel like I am going to snap. Am I overreacting?

This seems like overreacting

 

But the bolded above... I can absolutely see where you're coming from. I'd keep an eye (and ear) on them. Then sit down with my daughter, when friend leaves, and have a heart to heart. I'd probably avoid have the girl over again if my talk with daughter didn't resolve my concerns.

:grouphug:

[clarkacademy]

I AM NOT UPSET OVER THE CEREAL!!!!!!! I worded the op badly and maybe focused on the aggravation but I am upset that my daughter who is a great kid is all of a sudden not acting like herself is it this kids influence????

[justasque]

I think it's an opportunity to talk with your dd about how to handle situations when she needs to be hostess to someone she doesn't know well, and there is a conflict with the house rules. Being a hostess is often tricky, as is evidenced by the numerous threads here about it. I would have a conversation identifying the various conflicts (friend's hunger, her reluctance to eat was offered vs. family resources), and brainstorm various ways to handle a similar situation in the future. Ideally, the conversation would be a no-judgement thing, much like the threads tend to be here. I wouldn't blame dd for her friend's behavior (lying about having eaten) as it is not her responsibility and chances are she was as conflicted as you are. I would not make a big deal about the locked door either; you can discuss it though. Perhaps the friend wanted to lock out siblings, or what-have-you. The teen years can be tricky; I think they are most successful when we use them to transition from telling kids what to do, to guiding them through deciding for themselves what to do. In only three-ish short years she may be at college making judgement calls without you; this is your opportunity to give her some experience with decision-making and consequences before she's on her own. If your budget is that tight, helping to replace the cereal would be a nice gesture, but more so if it can come from her and not be mandated by you.

[mom2scouts]

Yes, I think you are overreacting. I think having my child learn to be a good hostess is more important to me than +/- $2. If your budget is running that tight, maybe eggs or oatmeal would work out to be cheaper per serving.

:iagree: Sometimes it's hard to negotiate new relationships and house rules. I would not worry about the food issue and try to keep them in my house while the relationship develops.

Edited July 14, 2012 by mom2scouts

[emzhengjiu]

Something may be up with this kid - the fact that she hasn't come out during the whole time she's been there and the time that she's leaving keeps changing. Maybe she's having trouble at home, pregnant, runaway? Who knows. My sil had a runaway friend when she was in highschool and there was a lot of hiding out, going from one place to another.

 

Maybe, but this is huge stretch. When my daughters have guests the time they leave changes all the time. Maybe the girls were talking and were carried away or just wanted to talk away from others. May I ask if you checked on them while they were in the bedroom? What were they doing? If they door was locked, did you ask your daughter to unlock it and then why it was locked?

 

It still strikes me that a loving conversation is in order as soon as this guest leaves.

[clarkacademy]

[/b]

 

In your OP: I want the kid to leave I am angry and I feel like I am going to snap. Am I overreacting?

This seems like overreacting

 

But the bolded above... I can absolutely see where you're coming from. I'd keep an eye (and ear) on them. Then sit down with my daughter, when friend leaves, and have a heart to heart. I'd probably avoid have the girl over again if my talk with daughter didn't resolve my concerns.

:grouphug:

 

I am just mad at my kids actions not this girl exactly all though her atitude isn't helping.

[mommaduck]

I think it's an opportunity to talk with your dd about how to handle situations when she needs to be hostess to someone she doesn't know well, and there is a conflict with the house rules. Being a hostess is often tricky, as is evidenced by the numerous threads here about it. I would have a conversation identifying the various conflicts (friend's hunger, her reluctance to eat was offered vs. family resources), and brainstorm various ways to handle a similar situation in the future. Ideally, the conversation would be a no-judgement thing, much like the threads tend to be here. I wouldn't blame dd for her friend's behavior (lying about having eaten) as it is not her responsibility and chances are she was as conflicted as you are. I would not make a big deal about the locked door either; you can discuss it though. Perhaps the friend wanted to lock out siblings, or what-have-you. The teen years can be tricky; I think they are most successful when we use them to transition from telling kids what to do, to guiding them through deciding for themselves what to do. In only three-ish short years she may be at college making judgement calls without you; this is your opportunity to give her some experience with decision-making and consequences before she's on her own. If your budget is that tight, helping to replace the cereal would be a nice gesture, but more so if it can come from her and not be mandated by you.

:iagree:

[Denisemomof4]

I am angry over the locking of the door, and ignoring the rules period. She is also not allowed any food at all in her room. We live in FL you are asking for bugs doing that stuff. They had already made 2 bags of popcorn. I don't see how anyone could eat over half a bag These are big bags of cereal. I am a very good hostess. Her other friends adore eating here because I cook. I was taught that kids eat what is served, I always did.

 

If my kid was picky and they went somewhere I would send them food or tell them to starve. I can say that if my kids are in your home they would never ask for anything that is not being served, they may decline but they wouldn't ask for something different or complain or outright lie saying they already ate. If she would have been honest I may have offered something but she point blank told a lie with the I already ate I heard her saying she didn't like what I made.

 

I would be mad at my dd for not following rules.

 

When my kids have friends over I usually have their snacks set up ahead of time for them. If it is a first time visitor I will ask for dislikes or allergies and go from there.

 

Snce your is a great kid but made a mistake yhis time, I would use this as an opportunity to talk to her, let her know what is not allowed when friends are over, explain the snack situation again, and then just let it go.

 

IMO the house guest was Kind of rude but really the responsibility lies with dd.

[Joker]

Could it be the guest is staying out of sight because you have been irritated since the beginning? You seem to have right off the bat not liked her because she was dropped off by someone young who was not her mother. Then, you were upset that she lied about not eating. And it just continued. If any of the anger/irritation you've shown in your posts here made it through to your guest, I would have probably hidden as well. Not being snarky, just trying to imagine being 15 and showing up at a house where it seemed the mom really didn't want me there.

[Coffeetime]

I was just posting thoughts, that maybe the reason she's been in the room the whole time is because she's going through something difficult.

 

:iagree:

Be kind and hospitable. Please. Make your home a comfortable place for this girl. Sure, maybe she's just a sneaky, lying brat. But maybe, just maybe, she's in need of some adults who care about her and a safe place to be.