Posting Daughter's Short Story (Creative Writing)

[wixsond]

So, is this a good place to post my dd's short story for general feedback? She (14 yrs old) was self-inspired to write this story (we've not had a ton of writing in our homeschooling, but did take LTOW last year for persuasive writing; this is just pure creative writing, of course) and I've been looking for a place to post it for enjoyment and (positive or constructive, pls?) feedback. This is really not an "assignment" per se. Just something she was motivated to do. Writing being so personal, I know she'd like to know that others enjoyed it.... I'm just so happy she was motivated to write! And, as she said, "And, it's not even for school!" LOL

 

 

Unfortunately, I don't think the photos we chose w/ the story will post here. (We posted it on FB for a few friends.) This is what my daughter (who loves fantasy, Tolkien, Lewis, myth/legend) had to say when emailing it to a longtime homeschooled friend: " Just a quick note: It's kind of a ridiculous story, and should be read as such. I hope it makes you laugh." :001_smile: So, there is the author's "intro" to the following Short Story.

 

So, here goes:

 

 

The Story of the Evil, Demon, Killer, Zombie,

 

Pack Chihuahuas

 

A short story by A. Wixson

 

 

 

 

Once upon a time, in the faraway land of Mexico, a man was driving along a lonely country road. It was a hot day, he thought in annoyance. And here he was, driving out to the middle of nowhere, all because someone couldn't unclog their own drain. Being a plumber definitely had its down side.

 

 

 

Quite suddenly, the road got incredibly bumpy. “Don't they ever fix these roads?†the man wondered. It was unusual, as if someone had drawn a line on the ground after which road repairs ended. The man looked up from turning up his radio and slammed on his brakes, for right in front of his car was a little chihuahua puppy.

 

 

 

“How did you get there?†the man muttered to himself as he got out of the car. He stooped next to the puppy. No collar, he noted. “You are a cute little thing,†he said. The puppy barked happily.

 

 

 

Just then, the man heard a rustling in the bushes to the right of the car. There was a cliff face on that side, with bushes at its base. The other side stretched off in an expanse of desert. The man turned to look in the direction of the rustling, and what he saw would have struck terror into the hearts of the mightiest of warriors. That being said, you can imagine the reaction of a plumber from Monterrey; for chihuahuas were pouring from the cliffs and bushes – straight towards him.

 

 

 

But these were no ordinary chihuahuas. No, these were far more horrible. Their eyes glowed red and fangs like knives protruded from their slavering jaws.

 

 

 

The plumber screamed, and looking down at the puppy he had nearly run over a minute before, found that it now looked the same as the others. The man tried to run away, but before he could he was overwhelmed, covered in the wiggling, writhing mass of evil creatures. His screams never reached a human ear.

 

 

 

After a minute or two, the chihuahuas moved away, leaving no evidence of the grim deed save for a pile of bleached white bones. And even these would soon be claimed by the desert sands.

 

 

 

. ~ . ~ . ~ .

 

 

 

The next day another man was driving along the same stretch of road. His name was Carlos. He was in a good mood. It was a fine day – okay, the weather was stiflingly hot, he admitted, but he had a bottle of water and an air conditioner. And he was going to visit his friends, whom he hadn't seen in ages, it seemed.

 

 

 

He smiled, thinking of the warm welcome he would receive on arrival, the jokes, the -- “wow that's a bumpy stretch of road,†he said to no one in particular. He looked up and nearly had a heart attack; for there, in the middle of the road, was a cute little chihuahua puppy. He promptly slammed on the brakes.

 

 

 

“Are you all right?†he asked the puppy as he jumped out of the car. He looked okay, Carlos thought with a sigh of relief. That was when he heard the rustling.

 

 

 

He stood up, and saw them swarming towards him – the chihuahuas. He tried to scream, but seemed unable to – so he ran. He scrambled into the car and shut the door. The chihuahuas swarmed over the car, completely engulfing it, but somehow Carlos managed to keep enough of his wits about him to throw the car in reverse and hit the gas. The chihuahuas on his car fell off, and the rest fell to pursuit. But after a few meters they stopped as if they had hit an invisible wall. Carlos breathed a sigh of relief. Only then did he notice the piles of bleached white bones.

 

 

 

. ~ . ~ . ~ .

 

 

 

“Okay, what do I do?†Carlos asked himself. He was perfectly aware that he was starting to get a little - okay, more than a little - hysterical. At that moment he didn't really care. “I'll call animal control. Yeah, that's what I'll do. That makes sense after all, doesn't it?†So he pulled out his cell phone and called.

 

 

 

Animal control arrived about an hour later. The chihuahuas had gone back to the cliffs and bushes. At least, Carlos assumed they had – he hadn't actually seen them go. The animal control people climbed out of the van – two rather tall, strong looking fellows who introduced themselves as Juan and Pedro.

 

 

 

“So, what's your problem?†Juan asked.

 

 

 

“Chihuahuas,†Carlos replied. “In the bushes, I think. Be careful, they're dangerous.â€

 

 

 

Juan and Pedro exchanged looks.

 

 

 

“Seriously!†Carlos cried.

 

 

 

“Okay, okay, we'll be careful. Don't worry. We are professionals, after all,†Pedro said.

 

 

 

Just then, a little chihuahua puppy ran into the road. Carlos screamed. Juan and Pedro went over to it. They sat down next to it and it came over and climbed about in their laps.

 

 

 

“Awww, how cute!†Pedro exclaimed.

 

 

 

“Run! Run for your lives! He's the bait!†Carlos screamed frantically.

 

 

 

“Yeah, he's dangerous, all right,†Juan said mockingly.

 

 

 

“Yep, a regular killer, this one,†Pedro joked.

 

 

 

Just then the chihuahuas burst from hiding. They were on the two before they even had time to cry out. Carlos watched in horror as Juan and Pedro were covered in writhing, wiggling chihuahuas. When they moved away, nothing was left but bleached white bones – and the screams that lingered in the dry air.

 

 

 

. ~ . ~ . ~ .

 

 

 

“This is getting serious,†Carlos said, stating the obvious. He had watched as the little dogs moved back to their hiding place. Then, at a loss as to what else he could do, he called the police.

 

 

 

As the police car came to a stop, he sighed nervously. Would anyone take him seriously? The police officer climbed out of the car.

 

 

 

“So, what's your problem?†he asked.

 

 

 

Carlos told him the whole story, beginning to end. Meanwhile, the cop looked more and more skeptical as the story progressed.

 

 

 

“I know it must sound crazy,†Carlos finished, “but there's the animal control van, and look at all those piles of bones.†The bones were weird, the cop admitted to himself, but the guy was obviously insane.

 

 

 

“I'll look around,†he said finally.

 

 

 

He went over to take a look at the bones. He heard a rustling noise then. Carlos screamed in terror. The cop looked towards the cliffs and saw the chihuahuas rushing at him. He ran back to Carlos, breathing hard.

 

 

 

“Wow, you have a serious problem there,†he said.

 

 

 

“Yeah, I know,†Carlos agreed.

 

 

 

. ~ . ~ . ~ .

 

 

 

It took a long time, and a lot of people, but finally the government had signs put up warning people to stay in their cars and stay away from the chihuahuas along this certain stretch of lonely road deep in the heart of Mexico.

 

 

 

Of course some gringo would occasionally drive by who couldn't speak Spanish (and therefore couldn't understand said signs), but usually people listened, and weren't devoured by, as they later became known and shall forever be recorded in folklore,

 

 

 

The Evil, Demon, Killer, Zombie

 

Pack Chihuahuas.

 

 

 

The End

[at the beach]

She had me smiling and kept my interest. Great job! I like your daughter's voice. I'd encourage her to try her hand at more stories. If she's interested, she could do some reading on writing. Has she read Elements of Style? Self-Editing for Fiction Writers?

[wixsond]

Thanks, Violet.

 

We haven't done a lot of reading about writing. This is really coming from a very limited study of writing, per se, except for the LTOW she did last year (again, persuasive writing).

 

I do have a few of those titles you mention on my shelf and will talk to her about looking at them. She's a very independent learner and I know would do that if I suggested it and suggested she has something to work from that is basically very good. (It's a fun piece to hear read out loud, I noticed. I notice some pieces work best read out loud and I wonder if that's not the case w/ this one. She first "read" it to me. Of course, she couldn't get through it w/out cracking herself up...pretty cute.)

 

I think she has other ideas for stories and is motivated to not only write, but to improve her writing. (I have a book of story starters, but she said she thought she had some other ideas....)

 

I'm in that place where I don't want to manage the process so heavily that it stifles the creativity and natural nature to her writing that I think comes through. But, since she's a more serious student now (older), I think we can safely delve into more form, etc., without squelching her voice. I know what you mean about her "voice".... I love that part about her writing. It's so fun to see that develop...

 

I appreciate that she had you smiling! That is the point! ;-) It is a little more graphic (even though she said she actually used certain words to tone that down) than I'd like, first thing out of the box. ;-) She's a really good, sweet person. But, she has a wicked sense of humor, too. (W/in boundaries, I'm happy to say.) Her teen friends seem to really like the piece, I notice. The title gets them hooked.... Then, they really laugh when she reads it to them. Most of the adults go, "What?" LOL So, it must really resonate w/ her "intended" audience..... LOL

 

Meanwhile, I am the "mom w/ rose-colored glasses on"....so.....

 

Thanks for reading and taking a moment to chime in. I love that about homeschoolers! It's really helpful to me! (Dd is my only one. She's always been homeschooled - very eclectic methods. And, I feel like I'm doing everything for the first and last time! LOL)

 

Take care,

Dana

[Jean in Newcastle]

Ds15 has a couple of friends who do creative writing and then share it with each other. It is done for fun and so while they give suggestions, they are fun suggestions and are not critical. Perhaps your dd could get something like that together.

[wixsond]

Thanks, Jean. I think that's a good idea. I'm finding at this age, the more peer contact for feedback to be something that inspires/motivates dd. Even if just online. Since she wasn't necessarily doing a "school" assignment, but just self motivated, I think a peer outlet would be the ticket. I do have a friend who is starting a creative writing group (after dd wrote this, I was reminded I needed to see how that was developing!) where the idea is, like you say, to just share and give positive feedback. She also does acting games, etc. The idea is to overcome fears regarding sharing your work and to sort of help draw each other out. I do think dd is motivated to improve on a more formal level, as well, and know she'll look at it that way, too, in terms of writing.... She was mentioning how the LTOW course, for example, taught her a few things to look out for (that she corrected). Anyway, happy to have found this forum for feedback for "mom," too!

 

Thanks for the ideas! :grouphug:

[SnackReader]

I'm new member so this was good thread dear