For Those With Dc in PS

[elizam]

do you feel good about it even if your dc is behind a grade level or is not in the gifted/honors, etc. classes?

 

I sincerely ask this because it is a touchy subject where I live, but there is a chance my dc are going to wind up in PS sooner or later, for several reasons.

 

I have a ds in ninth grade PS. He has been in since 7th. I was mostly unhappy with his middle school experience, and he had a tough row to hoe there. He has ADHD, for one. PS brought this fact out. I suspected it when he was little and in PS kindergarten and first grade, but he did so well in first that I decided ADHD was a made up disorder and I read all the books supporting that theory. He spent the next 4 years hsing and alwyas miserable socially, because of limited friend opportunitites in HS and PS kids always treated him terrible (kids are cruel and ADHD kids often have social problems due to lack of awareness, etc.)

 

In middle school, teachers frequently told the kids in his class that they were the "bad" ones and compared them to their "AG" (gifted) kids, who they would hold up as examples of pristine behavior and academic genius. An example of this type of kid would be the snotty boy who read two grade levels ahead in kindergarten and openly made fun of ds for his struggles with handwriting, coloring, and phonics. Those kids became the stuck up "popular" crowd by middle school, and enjoyed lauding it over the populace.

 

I had more than one casual acquaintance say something along the lines of, "Well, I absolutely wouldn't have it any other way than having my dc in AG" and one even said a teacher told her "you absolutely want your kid in AG because those are the only kids you want your kid around, the ones who come from good families and make good grades."

 

From what I have seen over the years, there is a lot of truth in that exclusive sounding attitude. i wish like anything my ds had been in AG, and onto honors classes in high school. Those are the kids from 2 parent homes, who attend church, who don't get in much trouble, who play sports rather than hang out smoking p*t on the weekends, etc.

 

But how does anyone ensure their child's "giftedness" according to PS?? :confused:

 

Is is possible for a thinking mom such as myself, one who reads, one who considers herself intelligent and has a degree in education to just accept her dc might not be in the "good" kid classes and be surrounded by troublemakers and potential dropouts if they go to PS? There just don't seem to be kids with parents like that in my ds' classes. I don't mean this to sound elitist or anything. I thought PS would be more diverse. But it's not. There seems to be a small group of kids that do well and are well-liked, and then all the rest, who come from "bad" homes and make bad grades. They also get into all the trouble--skipping, smoking, drug use, etc.

 

I am just getting acquainted with how the SPED dept. works, as my ds qualifies for an IEP now. I am not sure...but it seems that there is little hope held out for those kids. The school system seems "behind" others in how they handle ADHD, LDs, etc. They tend to retain those kids rather than really do anything to help them, despite the research against retention. So often the teachers 9even of the AG classes) seem to know less about education and other areas than the typical WTM homeschooling mom.

 

How can a mom who knows stuff, questions the system, etc. ever be content with having dc in the system???

 

Are there moms like that out there??

 

I feel overwhelmed with HSing right now. My dh isnt supportive. He has bipolar, which affects us all. My HS friends can't relate. I don't really have PS friends. Everyone in our church has high achieving kids in the AG and honors classes. Many are teachers themselves and/or prominent in the community.

 

I feel like I am alone, utterly alone. Drowing in HS, not wanting to lose my kids' hearts and interest in learning in PS. Charter or private is not an option.

 

My ds has dabbled with the bad stuff and has wasted his time in PS. He is less interested in reading, chess, music, and talking to adults. He now acts rude and hateful and has low expectations for himself--on bad days. Other days I think there is hope; he is finally getting a clue and acting more like the sunny, interesting little boy he used to be.

 

SOme have advised me he probably would have done better had he not had to adjust. He thinks himself he might have done better had he always been in PS. That's where dh is coming from when he suggests we just put our youngest in K and never take her out. Then I shudder....because ds was smart and fun till he went to K, too, which was not fun for him and sucked all the creativity and niceness out of his little brain. But part of me holds out hope...what if she did great and turned out to be one of those achievers??

 

Please share your thoughts!

[mama25angels]

I don't have any thoughts just lots of hugs and prayers that someone here will be able to give you some advice.

[BabyBre]

Oh my Lord, we may be the same person. I just found myself nodding in agreement throughout your entire post.

 

My dh is also unsupportive of my hsing and mine are already in ps because of it. This last year was the first for my little ones (K and 1st), and the first year back in ps for my oldest ds15 after 4 years hsing.

 

I'm speaking of ds15 here because it's his situation that your story is similar to. I also saw his beautiful love of learning get sucked out of him shortly after he entered ps. He began "normally" in K and then entered a Montessori program in his ps where he spent grades 1-3. It was at this age that he was diagnosed with ADHD, although we've consistently refused to medicate and (thank goodness) his symptoms are not severe. By 4th grade, he was lagging and so far behind where I felt and the teacher said he should be at that time that we switched him into a traditional classroom thinking more structure would be beneficial. (I hadn't yet grown the confidence to take the plunge and hs.)

 

He did great in a traditional 4th grade class, but I think his teacher helped him out a lot, gave him too many breaks and lowered the bar for him. By the first progress report in 5th grade (new teacher), ds was failing and it was a complete surprise to me. His teacher hadn't contacted me at all about him having trouble or not completing assignments. I pulled him out without hesitation and we hs'd through 8th grade.

 

He entered our local high school this last year, and I'm SO thankful he was willing to enroll in honors classes. Even in honors, because of what we learned at home, he feels smarter than many of the kids. I have heard from ds as well as more than one of his honors teachers that there is a HUGE difference in the kids that are in the regular classes. Ds's counselor also really encouraged him to take honors classes because she said a C in honors classes can often look better to those who care than a B or even an A in regular classes. (Lucky for ds, because he brought home straight Cs this quarter!)

 

For this kid who has always struggled in school, not because he's not smart but because he's an organizational disaster, he is still VERY proud of himself for the challenge he accepted (taking all honors classes) and rose to. He's always considered himself kind of dumb, but now he knows he not.

 

As far as ds's attitude towards learning, towards discipline and authority...I was very worried about that, too. It has changed since he entered ps again. He is often more disrespectful, lippy, whiny, acts spoiled, etc. But his building confidence in school is what makes me not actually regret agreeing to let him go to ps. Yet.

 

I do think I would give him a better education at home, and I still make sure he reads the classics (a point of serious contention just last night), practices his Latin, and continues to read history. And sometimes he fights me on it, but it's just the way our home is, it's just what we do. It's scheduled. And I always point out that, for all the TV, computer and video games he watches, I ask far less of his time be spent on his education (1 little hour a day, MAX). And I always do remind him that (even though it may sound snobby or pretentious) the way we're doing this is better than the way "everyone else" does it. When he's sensible, he can almost agree with me on that because of the things he knows that no one else in his classes know (like Latin), and those are the times that make him feel so smart.

 

Ds is also a little socially challenged in that he's never really made friends. He has acquaintences and all they do is IM and play computer games, only occasionally even getting together. Of course, I encourage him to go to school events, play on sports teams, etc. and he does. I'm not terribly worried about this at this time because it's just part of his personality (or the ADHD). He's never been very successful socially. He's always got along much better with adults than with kids his own age. He is also teased somewhat by the older kids who have marked their territory in the school, so he's happy and even optimistic to be moving up in seniority.

 

BTW, after a particularly hard summer last year (lots of trouble and misbehavior), we did find a dose of Ritalin that he feels is helpful to him. He agreed to try it (it was brought up only as an option by us) and when I mentioned that he could quit taking it over the summer, he said he didn't want to because he thought it would help him stay good. (He also tried a couple others first that had terrible effects, but this we're all fairly happy with.)

 

So, while I hesitate to say that I feel good about ps for them in general, I do feel good about ds's 1st year last year. I do hope he makes some more friends, but that's in his hands, and yes, I do hope that they're from his honors classes.

 

You'll need to assess your own boy. I thought mine would fail miserably and be sucked into a bad crowd in public high school, (dh insisted they all go into ps) but he's risen to the challenge so far. Everyone here is very proud.

 

I wish you luck and if you'd like to pm, I'd be happy to talk.

[EndsWell]

I have much younger children, so I am not experienced with the middle school environment. However, my son is a rising 4th grader and has ADHD. This last year was his first in public school, after a stint of homeschooling and before that private school. We don't have the same emphasis here in our public school on academic excellence from the community, and he did get some ribbing for being a teacher's pet and getting straight A's.

 

In any case, I would focus on making sure your son's adhd is being adequately handled (my son's medication makes all the difference to his ability to excel). If your son has anger management issues with his current medication, try another family. We started on Adderall and I did not like some of the moodiness that it brought out in a pretty non-moody child. We switched to concerta and have none of those issues. Many times I believe that a really intelligent ADHD child is defeated because of organizational issues more than anything else...and that leads to poor self-esteem.

 

It sounds like you have many issues going on. I hope you get the support and encouragement that you need. I guess I would focus less on comparing your situation to others and just see what you can do to make the love of learning come out in your son. Keep looking for people who will be a good match for your son and his interest....scouts, a club, something along those lines.

 

-Adriana

[BabyBre]

Many times I believe that a really intelligent ADHD child is defeated because of organizational issues more than anything else...and that leads to poor self-esteem.

 

 

 

 

I completely agree. It's the case w my ds.

 

BTW, the first drug he tried was Straterra and the side effects were awful mood swings, anger, headaches and fatigue.

[Caroline]

I am a ps hs math teacher. I think our exceptional ed students are not served very well. However, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Go to those IEP meetings. Make your demands. If something is not working, call your child's caseworker. They are there to help you. Ask for the help.

 

Things I have been asked to do for students that have helped...

Fill in their planner with the classwork and homework (our school system provides every student above 2nd grade with a planner)

Copy my notes for them to have during class

Sign a daily behavior chart

Have an extra textbook for them to keep in my classroom so they can keep their other one at home so they cannot forget it

If staying on task during tests is an issue, they can take them in small groups as opposed to with the entire class, they can also have the test read aloud to them

 

If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

[Mom to Aly]

My goddaughter, who is now 18, was hs for 1st grade after horrible kindergarten experience, including being locked on the playground for 2 hours with no one noticing, then back in school for 3rd grade, hs for 4th-6th, private for 7th-9th, public for 10th-12th. She has adhd and is bi-polar, and I saw a lot of the same things, but first, I have to tell you about your own rights.

 

OK, my mom was a special ed teacher until she retired a couple of years ago, and my sister still is. First thing you have to find out your rights, which are tremendous. YOu have an iep, which is great, but you have to know what you can ask for on your iep, what his goals should be, what his progress should be, not just what they say it will be, he should never be left back (if the school is willing to do that, it is really, really ridiculous--my sister has taught severely autistic until this coming year, and they will not leave anyone back for anything). You can have a social worker for him and present at all iep meetings to make sure his needs and rights are met, and, although it may cost, you even mention getting a lawyer, and I guarantee you, the playing field will change COMPLETELY!!! You should at least have a consultation, which should be free, take in all the records you have, but especially his iep, and see what he says. There are probably some orgs that can help, depending on your state, but there are a ton of resources out there, I am sure. You have major laws on your side, and your iep protects you and him tremendously--they have to meet the goals, you just have to make sure they are written in.

 

Now, no teacher can EVER compare kids like that one did. Also, no class is all bad or good, no students are all bad or good. Maybe, I know this may sound geeky, but you can talk to his teacher, or try to find out which are better, not into drugs, etc, see who might be better to hang out with? Or watch him like a hawk? I know, drugs are everywhere today, but I can't believe 90% of a school does drugs, and only 5 or 10% is "good".

 

I think if you can get a better feeling of what your rights are re: his schooling you will feel better about everything. Also, you can have him mainstreamed (in reg classes) for the things he can handle and have him go to resource room for anything he may need help for, so that he isn't in special ed all day, if you think that is better.

 

Having him at home being schooled hasn't "ruined" him, as you must know, it has given him a much better education than he would have gotten in school. He is at an age where every hormone, bad attitude, hard time is kicking in along with going to public school. You need to convince him that being homeschooled helped in any way you can, that he is smart, that he is wonderful, that the other kids are going through the same junk, and turning to idiotic stuff (drugs, etc) to try to handle it. If you have any friends who have older kids who can maybe mentor him, help him along, that can go a long way, and make him feel like a big man, you know what I mean?

 

You can't feel these other kids are better than him because they are in higher classes, because they are not! You know this--your son is special, he is a wonderful, special human being, not because of grades or school, but because of who he is, and if he can do bio now or next year or the year after will not matter 10 years from now!

 

You are a good parent, you have had a ton of influence on him, and you have to know that counts for a lot. If you have to be really strict on him and not let him hang out with anyone from school after school, do so, and find him nice hs kids to hang out with. Whatever it takes, do it. Keep him away from as much bad influence as you can, be as tough as you have to, and forget the other kids, don't compare, there is no point in that, just be happy with your wonderful son.

 

And, just so you know, growing up, my family was one of those, I finished high school when I was 15 with a 4.0, got into Yale, my sister had a 4.0, but my brother had a psychotic breakdown when I was 15, from which he never recovered, he is permanently disabled, pschizophrenic (and he has a genius level i.q., 4.0 before that, in a really hard h.s. in NY), my dad just said he went away to a boarding school instead of telling people. My father was horribly emotionally and verbally abusive, but we lived in a beautiful 9 bedroom house in an incredibly rich part of NY, belonged to the country club, each had our own car at 16, my mom stayed home, looked like we had everything, and you'd never have known it to look at us, we looked like the perfect fam.

 

Best of luck.

[Fourmother]

The school has a legal obligation to provide an appropriate individualized education for your child. It sounds like they are failing when it comes to your son. The only way to change this is to know your rights like Mom to Aly said. Once you know your rights you can track down every useful resource, and fight every important battle. I'm sorry to say that you need to be the mother teachers and administrators talk about. If they hate to see you coming, then you know you are a good advocate for your ps kids. Start by cozying up with the Special Eduction law in your state. It makes good bedtime reading. Pay special attention to the due process procedures which describe your ability to object to things you don't agree with. Find out if there are special education advocates in your community. They can represent you at IEP meetings just like attorneys represent claimants in court. They can also point you to resources your school might not even know about. Search the Council of Parent Attorneys and Advocates (COPAA) website for someone in your area.

 

With the help of an advocate, I succeeded in getting my school district to pay for private schooling for ds in grades 9-12. This school provided an environment designed for high functioning Autistic and Aspie kids which the district could never hope to duplicate. So don't rule out private school for your son. If there is one that you think would be a good fit, ask if they accept contracts from your local school district. There's a good chance they do, but no one at your son's school will ever tell you that.

[Mom to Aly]

With the help of an advocate, I succeeded in getting my school district to pay for private schooling for ds in grades 9-12. This school provided an environment designed for high functioning Autistic and Aspie kids which the district could never hope to duplicate. So don't rule out private school for your son. If there is one that you think would be a good fit, ask if they accept contracts from your local school district. There's a good chance they do, but no one at your son's school will ever tell you that.

 

 

:iagree:Ooh, you are good--I'd forgotten about this! You are right! There is a school specializing in autistic children in our area, and lots of kids get in there, but also, there are kids who can get into private schools and have it paid for, or private tutors, when the school cannot accomodate them, or for other reasons.

 

There is so much out there for you, most people just don't know it, and the school will be the last to tell. My sister's school has told the teachers, outright, they will be fired if they tell the parents about any of it, because the school has to pay for it, and they definitely don't want to.

 

So take a deep breath, it doesn't all have to be done today, and you will find it.

 

Best of luck!!