Teen dd has trouble

[mom31257]

expressing her personal feelings. She's always been this way, but I feel the older she gets and more hormonal, the worse it's getting. She's always been independent and non-emotional. She would hold in crying when she was younger because she didn't want to do so. She also has some issues with not wanting us to think bad of her or disappoint us.

 

I tried something this holiday season, and it's been a disaster for her. I put out a special plate and asked the rest of us to tell that person things we like about them. She couldn't do it the first time (her daddy) without making cute, funny remarks. I was a little upset with her, but I didn't think I made a big deal of it. When I brought the plate out again, it was worse. Dh started it off saying lots of things about ds. I said a few, and she clammed up. She made a comment that all the good things had already been said. We told her it didn't have to be original just her thoughts. Her daddy was upset with her and so was I.

 

I ended up making her go to her room and write things down that she liked about both of them. She was able to come up with really good lists very quickly. Why couldn't she say them? How do I help her deal with this problem? I am concerned this is really going to affect her future relationships.

 

I will say she had started her period that day. She also sometimes has trouble answering questions in general (details about a class at church, things she did while volunteering at the library) because she feels put on the spot. She's never been one to share details. Sometimes I think I started homeschooling just so I would know what happened in her day.

[Michelle in AL]

I think some people are just like that. I don't know if it's possible to change them. My dh is this way. He rarely will tell you how he really feels, and doesn't even get the concept of telling you about his day. If I ask him how his day was, his only answer was how busy he was which equates to how much money he could possibly make. This of course is not what I mean. When I work, I have tons of anctidotes, stories etc. Even after my modeling this type of conversation for yrs, he is not able to converse this way. Even after therapy, he is not able to converse this way. The therapy was mainly a result of not being able to relate or connect to people. It helped a good bit, but only in the way that now he asks people questions in conversation and takes an interest in them, but he still does not share anything emotional other than anger.

 

One of my dds is similar in that she doesn't show her emotions, unless it is anger or frustration. I truly think it is genetic.

 

Putting your dd on the spot and punishing her for not being able to verbally express herself may be counterproductive. I agree that this could affect relationships, but I don't think negative consequences are going to get you far. I also know your frustration, being the person on the other side of this type of relationship is not easy. I also know that for my daughter and husband, they DO care very deeply and probably feel things more depply than others, they just are unable to express it. Again, I really think this is genetic and could be one of the genetic factors tied to aspbergers. There are several genes thought to be connected to aspbergers/autism and certain people have some of the genes and express some of the traits of aspbergers, but not all.

[clementine]

:grouphug: I think it is a very good thing that she is able to express her feelings in writing, even if saying them out loud is difficult for her.

 

When my daughter was a bit younger, we shared a journal with her. Either my dh or I would write an entry to her and leave it on her pillow. She would write back to us in another entry within a few days. We would go back and forth, addressing problems, praising her, recalling funny things, etc. I cherish that journal! Maybe that would help her get her feelings down, without the pressure of face-to-face.

[J-rap]

She mostly sounds shy to me, and a little insecure. I'd try and not make a big deal about it... You don't want her to feel labeled as shy or insecure. That's one reason I love homeschooling -- children are less apt get those labels, and thus they're more easily able to outgrow things.

 

If writing is her strength, and an easier way to express herself, I'd really focus on that for now. Keep encouraging her writing, and her expressing herself through writing. You can help her to feel really good about herself through her writing. Maybe she will want to even branch out more in this area, as in journalism, learning to write well-supported views. By helping her further develop her writing skills, she will better be able to put her thoughts into words.

 

Over time she will hopefully develop more confidence through her writing, and that will carry over to her speaking.

[Michelle in AL]

à just reread my post. I hope I do not come across as harsh, I surely don't mean too. I just think for the people I know that are like this, it is very difficult to change. Kind of like trying to make an introvert into an extrovert.

[Daisy]

And she probably knew right away that you were upset with her (even if you tried to hide it) and she shut down completely.

 

If so, she's my daughter.

 

I would have had a difficult time with your assignment as well. I would very much have felt like a deer in the headlights.

 

Next time it might be easier to put out boxes with everyone's name on them and allow people to tuck nice notes into them throughout the day or week as they feel like it (without the spotlight). Then maybe you can pick random notes from the box to read around the dinner table. There's nothing wrong with some being funny and others being serious either. Sometimes those quirky answers are just ice-breakers.

[mom31257]

:grouphug: I think it is a very good thing that she is able to express her feelings in writing, even if saying them out loud is difficult for her.

 

When my daughter was a bit younger, we shared a journal with her. Either my dh or I would write an entry to her and leave it on her pillow. She would write back to us in another entry within a few days. We would go back and forth, addressing problems, praising her, recalling funny things, etc. I cherish that journal! Maybe that would help her get her feelings down, without the pressure of face-to-face.

 

I think this could be a very good idea! I wonder if I should talk to her about it or just leave it on her pillow sometime with details inside. I'm leaning toward the latter given the situation.

[fairfarmhand]

I would have totally done exactly what your daughter did.

 

I don't know how to fix it. And yes, it has effected my personal relationships. I would not punish her for this though.

 

It is not that she is trying to be obstinate or does not care, but it REALLY can be miserable to express feelings for some people orally.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug:

 

maybe you can work with her in the new year on steps towards this.

 

you might try

a) starting a best 3 of your day journal, where you each say out loud the top three things in your day. this isn't so emotional, and will help her practice thinking out loud a bit. if she has trouble with this step, she could be the recorder and write hers and record the others and then read them aloud. eta: if she's a deep introvert, it may work best for her to do it with one of her parents in her bedroom before bed.... one on one is easier....

 

b) you could ask her help in "catching them being good".... her siblings, you and her dad, etc. so her job would be keep her eyes out for someone doing something they've been asked without complaining, or a regular chore, or being helpful or kind. you can role model this, too, saying,

"i noticed how you picked up the books your dear brother knocked off the table. that was a kind thing to do." work on making the statements specific to the situation (both because its less emotional that way, and because it is genuine praise that focuses on the action and the actor, not a global "you are so wonderful" kind of statement).

 

c) after months and months of doing this, she may be ready to say some things out loud. saying them while holding a candle or some other prop can help give everyone somewhere to focus, rather than right at her.... and she may not. it may be years.....

 

for this year, i'd definitely find a way to alter what you're doing. i'm guessing this is supposed to be bringing you all closer together, and it sounds as if it may inadvertently be having the opposite effect, which is sad.

 

:grouphug: it was a good idea, just not for her right now....

 

ann

[clementine]

I think this could be a very good idea! I wonder if I should talk to her about it or just leave it on her pillow sometime with details inside. I'm leaning toward the latter given the situation.

I think leaving it without chatting about would add less pressure....I hope, hope, hope that she is open to it. I know that I always respond with more thought in writing, so issues don't become heated when addressed in the journal. If you do this, please let us know how it goes!! :grouphug:

[fairfarmhand]

I have more time to comment more extensively on this now.

 

My dh and I have been through so many difficulties because of these exact issues. I want to please everyone, so even addressing difficulties of marriage is agonizing for me.

 

I do better if we are driving or lying in bed in the dark to talk. I might see if your dd opens up a little better if noone can see her face.

 

She also needs to be assured of your unconditional love and acceptance. Any time you have to address negative behaviors, do it as positively and affirmingly (is that a word???) as possible. My dh and I made little progress until I could trust that he would ALWAYS be there. ALWAYS love me. ALWAYS listen.

 

This will be really hard for your daughter to do if she doesn't feel absolutely SAFE in the relationships at home. If anyone has an anger issue, she will withdraw even more.

 

I don't know how far I would go to push this issue with my child. Right now, she won't see how it could potentially damage relationships. But pushing too much could have the opposite effect.

 

My heart goes out to her because she sounds so much like me.

 

There are things I wish I had been able to verbalize to my mom before she died, but I was never able to do that. Now I don't have that chance. I take comfort in the fact that mom loved me and knew it already.

[mom31257]

I think leaving it without chatting about would add less pressure....I hope, hope, hope that she is open to it. I know that I always respond with more thought in writing, so issues don't become heated when addressed in the journal. If you do this, please let us know how it goes!! :grouphug:

 

I will let you all know, and I can work on finding a really good journal, especially with a different kind of paper. This is my child who I took out for a Saturday breakfast "date", and when we went shopping she wanted to go to Office Max. She'd never spent much time really looking there and fell in love with all the different journals and papers. She probably has 80 spiral notebooks and journals in her room right now. They aren't all full by any means, but she has something in all of them.

 

I'm too good at sharing my emotions and what I'm thinking. I grew up in a family like that. I'm not like her in many ways, but I really want to understand her.

 

I think she has some comparison issues with me, too. Math is her weakest subject and it's my best. She said to me one time "I'm sorry I'm not as good as you in math." I told her she is good at things I will never been able to touch her level (like writing) and that God has given us each talents to use. I really tried to help her not see it that way.

 

I've never sang at our church (been there 2 years), but I did last Sunday. I'm not bragging, but I'm a really good singer. She had so many people asking her if she could sing as good as me. WHAT ARE PEOPLE THINKING???? She is a good singer, BTW, but now feels inferior I think.

 

She is a wonderful daughter, and I'm so proud of the young woman she is becoming. I just want her to know that. I do tell her, but maybe writing it to her would feel more real.

[snickelfritz]

From someone who is like your daughter.... You need to back off. Really. I would still hate that assignment. Declaring feelings in public is very uncomfortable for me. But, I still hug my kids and hubby. I tell them I love them. I even, barely, managed to write out my favorite things about dd to go on the bulletin board when she was student of the week. It was uncomfortable, but I did it for her. We are very loving, but I am still uncomfortable kissing my hubby (hello/good-bye peck) in public. And we've been married 16 years. Those movie scenes of going around the table to tell your blessings for the year at Thanksgiving???? Nightmare for me. Yuck!

 

My brother died when I was 19. I still remember my mom asking me if I missed him at all, since I wasn't grieving publicly. It was very hurtful (I remember it 16 years later.) Just because I wasn't wailing and gnashing my teeth, it didn't mean I wasn't grieving. I just needed to do it in my own private way.

 

I think you need to allow her to write out her thoughts and, either choose to have someone else read them or choose to give them to the recipient in private.

Edited December 14, 2011 by snickelfritz

[Jan in SC]

"I've never sang at our church (been there 2 years), but I did last Sunday. I'm not bragging, but I'm a really good singer. She had so many people asking her if she could sing as good as me. WHAT ARE PEOPLE THINKING???? She is a good singer, BTW, but now feels inferior I think. "

 

I know your heart is in the right place, but you are asking her a similar thing. Is she as good at stating her feelings as you are? No. She expresses them in a different, yet equally valid way. Accept that and respond in her way, if you want to be closer with her.

[Ester Maria]

I think we put too much emphasis on the whole expressing emotions thing. My emotions and my thoughts are private. I will express them when, to whom, and how I see fit. I was never capable of verbalizing them at command and I would have loathed activities of the kind described in the OP. You actually have it good if your daughter is a "transparent" soul with whom you can see if something is off. There are children, much worse cases, who are more adept at playing the game and who with time, in order for others to just leave them alone, simply learn how to feign "proper" emotions and socially expectable reactions in such situations, and you lost them without ever knowing, while they are practicing a very dangerous type of behavior that becomes a real problem with time for them and for others.

 

Now, I am very affectionate with my family and friends, but I still put a great value on the privacy of my thoughts and feelings, so I understand people who are not into activities like that, or sharing their day, etc. Just like physical space, some people need more mental space, so to speak. It is not wrong per se, just a different disposition. :001_smile:

[jasar31629]

I can see it both ways. I like the idea of those sort of round-table, feel-good times of affirmation. Yet I also loathe being put on the spot. I wasn't a kid who could express emotion easily either and it felt 'mushy' to verbally or physically express love to family/friends. I am better with my dd and dh, but it's still awkward to give or receive hugs with others...even my parents whom I love dearly. We just weren't that type of family. Which is ok...dh's family used to say I love you all the time and are now shunned. Every last one of the kids. Expression isn't always sincere and the lack of it doesn't mean it's not there either.

 

I think the writing thing is great if she'll go that route and if you both need the additional affirmation. I was a writing sort of gal...that's how dh and I communicated for years. Keep it light...don't force it. Don't make issues where there are none!

 

I would probably apologize for putting her on the spot. Assure her that you love her and that you know she loves and values you all as well. You can let her know that you are used to saying and showing and that it's been more difficult for you since she seems to be different in that regard...you'll continue to say or show and hopefully find a way for you both to connect in some other way. It would be good for her to see there are different temperaments and how this affects relationships. Sometimes knowing others have more of a need in that area opens our eyes a bit. I may not be a hugging or verbal sort of gal, but I can muster it up now and again for special occasions. :) And I know that sort of unexpected act leaves that person feeling quite happy and connected again. It's odd. :D

[fairfarmhand]

I think we put too much emphasis on the whole expressing emotions thing. My emotions and my thoughts are private. I will express them when, to whom, and how I see fit. I was never capable of verbalizing them at command and I would have loathed activities of the kind described in the OP. You actually have it good if your daughter is a "transparent" soul with whom you can see if something is off. There are children, much worse cases, who are more adept at playing the game and who with time, in order for others to just leave them alone, simply learn how to feign "proper" emotions and socially expectable reactions in such situations, and you lost them without ever knowing, while they are practicing a very dangerous type of behavior that becomes a real problem with time for them and for others.

 

Now, I am very affectionate with my family and friends, but I still put a great value on the privacy of my thoughts and feelings, so I understand people who are not into activities like that, or sharing their day, etc. Just like physical space, some people need more mental space, so to speak. It is not wrong per se, just a different disposition. :001_smile:

 

 

this is how I became as a teen. Has been a MAJOR issue in my marriage. I am finally beginning to work through it, but it led to a year-long depression.

[Michelle in AL]

I just wanted to say hugs to you fairfarmhand :grouphug:

 

As I posted earlier, I have add and a husband like you. They won't express themselves, I've rarely even seen them excited. When I can see dd is obviously happy in a photo, I could just look at it for days. I can remember only 2 events when she was outwardly happy. This isn't to say she isn't a happy person, she is, I'm just trying to say that some people have a hard time expressing any kind of emotion.

 

She and my husband though are the MOST loyal, dependable, hard working, intelligent people I know. They are mostly calm and always there for you. They're both really snuggly too (so they can express emotion, just in different ways). I wonder if most people with this personality type are this way?