Do your dc treat you, as their teacher, the same they would any other teacher?...

[Sue G in PA]

Let me clarify. My dc would probably win the best behavior award if they were in a public/private school setting. I KNOW they would never treat an outside teacher the way they treat me. For example, they wouldn't whine and complain when asked to do an assignment, they would NEVER cry b/c there are "too many problems and I'll n.e.v.e.r get it all done in a MILLION years!", they wouldn't yell, raise their voice, roll their eyes, slam doors, stomp out of the room etc. in a classroom setting. They wouldn't grumble all the way through a writing assignment, they wouldn't rush through their work simply to get it done so they can run off and do whatever it is that is more interesting than schoolwork (which is anything and everything). So, are my dc the only ones that walk all over me, as their teacher? I told my dh tonight, in a moment of utter frustration, "If the children wouldn't behave this way for any other teacher, WHY should I have to put up with this behavior day in and day out..making me a miserable, stressed out, angry mother (add in horomones from being pregnant and you have a veritable powder keg!).

 

I need some advice/suggestions on how to take care of this. I also told dh that when I was growing up I respected my mother b/c I knew my father was coming home and I'd be in some deep you know what if I disrespected my mother! As it is in our house...I am the disciplinarian, punishment giver, nasty, mean, not fair, horrible, (did I mention mean?) parent and dh is the "knigh in shining armor" when he comes home! I'm so sorry to vent but I've really just had it. We plan to hs for the duration unless something drastic happens in our life making it impossible or not beneficial. I just can't go on like this for the long haul. I shouldn't have to resign myself to this, KWIM? Okay, vent/rant over. What would you do? How would you handle your dc if you knew they were basically walking all over you, disrespecting you, taking advantage of you but would NEVER do that to an outside teacher? BTW...we are NOT lax with discipline. The dc are grounded, sent for time outs, spanked (not often), priveleges are removed, etc. for such offenses but it just doesn't seem to sink.in.

[RoughCollie]

I give out demerits, which translate into chores. We have 3 toilets, and the first 3 demerits given out are for the kids who get to clean them. Then I move on to the sinks, and so forth. The toilets, etc., are cleaned immediately when the demerit is given. Too many demerits in a day, and privileges are lost (one at a time) for that day.

 

This works to a point, but because of poor behavior and refusal to do schoolwork, I expelled two of my kids from my hs last May. They now go to a parochial school, where they are as sweet as pies, *quiet* and well-behaved. BUT when they come home, it's back to the usual conduct problems when I try to get them to do their homework. I've resurrected the demerit system.

 

A third child also goes to this school now, because Dh thought it would be good for him.

 

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I am hs'ing one child, who has always been the most cooperative of all, and I feel sane until the other 3 kids come home and start their stuff with me again.

 

My DC are 12, 13, 13, and 13 -- and I wonder if their ages are contributing to the problem -- hormones, etc.

 

I'm interested to read the responses you get.

 

RC:eek: that's me, going insane

[Michelle T]

and I often call him on his behavior. When asked, he agrees that he wouldn't do whatever the offending behavior was in a classroom. He drives me crazy. He is 11.5, and sheesh, he is just a walking bundle of attitude, illogical arguing, backtalk, and general contrariness.

 

I also struggle with how to deal with his behavior. He is not outright disobedient or oppositional, it's just the backtalk, the arguing, the insisting on having the last word.

 

That he has raging ADHD and LD's doesn't help matters, but doesn't excuse them, either.

Michelle T

[Cricket]

So you aren't alone. In fact, I reached my breaking point last week. Dh and I sat down with ds9. We basically told him he was on probation for the next month . If thing don't improve, we are sending him to school. I am also so frustrated with the whining, tears, backtalk, etc.

 

Like you say, he would probably be a model student in a school setting. I've seen how he behaves in taekwondo classes. He acts so grown up and respectful there. It's hard to believe it is the same kid! We talk to him about how he acts there and how he acts at home when it is schooltime. He would never dream of falling over on the floor if his master at tkd asked him to do something. The long talk we had with him seems to have helped some. Last week he did beautifully. This week I noticed some of the old habits coming back though. I've started nipping it in the bud a little better and he hopefully realizes now that we won't put up with that behavior any longer. I hope it works out. I don't know how *I* will deal with him going to school. :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

My ds10 has been a challenge from day one. He regularly had tantrums every single day, every single subject (often multiple times). 90% of "class" time was spent on discipline - but not only discipline - we also spent a lot of time on training. Every time we would sit down for class I would go over the "class rules". When we would get out the math assignment I would go over what I expected of him - as far as behavior. "You will listen to me explain the lesson. You will not interrupt me or tell me "yea, yea, yea", before I'm done speaking. You will not tear your paper to shreds if you don't understand something. You will take a deep breath and will ask me to help you. . ." (Now I didn't necessarily go over all of that in one breath!) I would try to be proactive in catching him when he first started to get frustrated and would talk him through appropriate ways of handling it. AFter a while (it really was after a couple of years) I would hear him "giving himself my talks" under his breath. "Ok now, just take a deep breath. . ." His main problem was tantrums - now at 10, he rarely has them at school time.

 

Now, we are tackling other problems - illegible handwriting is one (out of sheer lack of motivation to write better - if I stand over him with the proverbial stick he can write beautifully).

 

I have a neighbor "sub" for me once a week. She is a certified teacher. Last week he tried treating her the way he has treated me in the past - arguing with her that his way was better etc. (This kid could argue the hind leg off a donkey.) I was so proud of my neighbor! She would have nothing of it. She just stood her ground and told him to do it her way (or the highway!) She told him that if he was in ps he would have been at the principal's office by then. He stomped off. Once he'd cooled off I made him apologize to her for his disrespect. I told him that whether he was right or wrong was not the issue (I never did hear what they were arguing about!) : the issue was that she was in charge and he was not respecting her authority. So, I guess the work is ongoing!

[bkpan]

I don't really have any advice, but am going through the same thing. I also am pretty quick to dole out consequences, but get worn down by the constant attitudes and negativity. Wish I had some more help for you, just know that you are definitely NOT alone!!

 

Kim in TN (used to be in NV)

[RoughCollie]

I hope it works out. I don't know how *I* will deal with him going to school. :)

 

When we expelled 2 of my DC from hs, they were shocked. They didn't think that would actually happen.

 

They have been in a regular school since September. For me, it is harder to be a school-parent than a hsing parent. I have to keep track of too much. School uniforms. Gym uniforms. homework. Projects. Milk money. Pizza money. Tests. Packing lunches every day. Remembering to pick them up. Getting them rousted from bed at 6 a.m. so they will get to school on time. Keeping them organized -- schoolbooks, papers, backpacks, lunch boxes, ties.

Remembering to sign and send back paperwork. Attending mandatory events.

Worrying when the kids tell me how much time is wasted, how bored they are a lot of the time, and seeing how little the teachers know if they can't read about it in the textbooks. Keeping track of dates and times for every little thing.

 

I don't know why, but hsing is so much easier for me. Part of it is probably that I plan and assign everything, so it is all already in my head. Plus we don't wear uniforms or have to get up at the crack of dawn and jump into high gear right away.

 

RC

[TammyinTN]

Here in our little house if you don't do your school work without complaint..you do manual, hard labor. You can either work with your brain or work with your hands...either way..your going to work. It usually takes one day of hard labor--cleaning grout with toothbrush, hand washing the floors, etc. You get the picture. I don't tolerate complaining, whining, fussing with me. I do things I don't feel like doing everyday and don't complain and so can you.

 

When the kids were small..this was reinforced often and it's never been a real problem. I just when through a little bout with my 9 year old...he prefers working with his brain...now that's all I have to say. Brain or Hands???:D

[RoughCollie]

Tammy, can my kids come and live with you?

 

 

Here in our little house if you don't do your school work without complaint..you do manual, hard labor. You can either work with your brain or work with your hands...either way..your going to work. It usually takes one day of hard labor--cleaning grout with toothbrush, hand washing the floors, etc. You get the picture. I don't tolerate complaining, whining, fussing with me. I do things I don't feel like doing everyday and don't complain and so can you.

 

When the kids were small..this was reinforced often and it's never been a real problem. I just when through a little bout with my 9 year old...he prefers working with his brain...now that's all I have to say. Brain or Hands???:D

[TammyinTN]

Sure..send them on!:D

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

My best friend has four boys, all in public school. They are ANGELS in school. She helps out in their classrooms now and then and always comes home SHOCKED about how independent and well-behaved they are at school. Their teachers love them.

 

They are the opposite at home. They won't hang up their backpacks, pick up after themselves, or through trash away. They are mouthy and demanding. They wear her out every summer. She is one of those parents jumping for joy as the bus approaches.

 

I can't say my own children are much better. They are wonderful and respectful for their Karate teachers (Sensei), but I'm just their mom.... I feel like I will be on Youtube someday under "Stupid Parent Tricks."

 

But, I also have three toilets - if I only had some earplugs and a backbone...

 

:confused:

[Karenciavo]

Whenever my boys treat me in a disrespectful manner, a manner in which they would never treat another teacher, I call them on it. This includes everything from whining (although the older ones don't do this too much) to wasting my time (this is what they do.) I treat everything pretty much as a heart issue and that's how it's addressed. Don't get me wrong, I realize sometimes they are just being goofy and then they simply get a , "Knock it off please."

[Liberty]

I'm ashamed to say that it was due to my 10yos defiant/head-butting behavior that lead to me putting all the kids back into ps. Now, my dh says no hs again ever. My ds is doing great in ps and is adored by all his teachers, but I always wonder if God was testing me and I failed. Ya' know what I mean? I'm thinking that it's always darkest before the dawn, and maybe if I'd held out for the long haul (not caved to the stress) a wonderful blessing was waiting around the corner (of course what parent doesn't worry as their child reaches adolescence?)

 

My advice: Don't give up!

[Mommyfaithe]

but, I guess I feel I did my job well since they are very well-behaved and polite outside. I guess we all let our hair down and act somewhat different when we are really comfortable. I don't allow disrespect to anyone...including me or amongst siblings. I became a real hard@ss...my oldest dd's phrase about school by kiddoe 3 who was making us all miserable complaining about school. NO COMPLAINING ALLOWED!!! end of story. We all have to work, and work hard, so no sense in complaining. Besides...complaining is ineffective. :D

~~Faithe

[Sue G in PA]

Thanks everybody for sharing your struggles. There is still that little voice inside my head screaming, "It shouldn't be this way!". And, it shouldn't. I'm their mother. THe woman who gave birth to them, the woman who wiped their noses, cleaned up their you-know-what when they were sick and wiped their bottoms when they were babies. I'm the one who has sacrificed almost her ENTIRE "life" to be home and teach them so they don't have to deal w/ the bullies, the unfair teachers, the excess homework, waking up too early, etc. I suppose I just need to pray harder b/c in my house, this can't go on or mamma is going to lose her mind! Thanks again for sharing...it does make me feel better to know it's not just me or my dc!

[Cricket]

Now, we are tackling other problems - illegible handwriting is one (out of sheer lack of motivation to write better - if I stand over him with the proverbial stick he can write beautifully).

 

lol We've gone through that with ds9 too. That was part of his probation. We told him specific things we wanted to see improved in this next month. One was his handwriting. It was so sloppy. Not due to inability but an attitude of "If I hurry up and get this done, I can go play." His handwriting has improved greatly. His spelling too has improved. I was so worried because his spelling was so awful! Now that he actually takes the time to think about what he is writing, his spelling has improved dramatically.

[Lux Et Veritas Academy]

read my blog today on tone- this is one area, that occasionally I have to work on. I have seen my fair share of disrespect at my house- but the tone is one thing that I am working on

[Mx5]

Let me clarify. My dc would probably win the best behavior award if they were in a public/private school setting. I KNOW they would never treat an outside teacher the way they treat me. For example, they wouldn't whine and complain when asked to do an assignment, they would NEVER cry b/c there are "too many problems and I'll n.e.v.e.r get it all done in a MILLION years!", they wouldn't yell, raise their voice, roll their eyes, slam doors, stomp out of the room etc. in a classroom setting. They wouldn't grumble all the way through a writing assignment, they wouldn't rush through their work simply to get it done so they can run off and do whatever it is that is more interesting than schoolwork (which is anything and everything). So, are my dc the only ones that walk all over me, as their teacher?

 

I find that when I lose control of my temper, whether inwardly or outwardly, all of life is tainted with a horrible lens.

 

You, mom, must be in control of your own temper, tongue, tone & attitude. You cannot control all of the situations you've described, but you can make it very costly for your kids to continue to disrespect you.

 

Example: if a door gets slammed, the door to the offender's room gets taken off the hinges for x amount of time (a week). It is very easy to do this - all you need is a regular screwdriver and a tap hammer to get the pins out of the hinges. Stash the door in the garage or hallway. Don't get emotional. Warn ahead of time that this will happen. Then do it.

 

Stomping, yelling, raising voices - they get to go to bed a half hour earlier for every single infraction. Be prepared to put them in bed by 6pm (might not be a bad thing, huh?) You will need your dh to back you up on this, and be willing to cancel outside activities. Again, NO emotion from you, just action. Don't backdoor them - tell them ahead of time that this is what is going to happen.

 

They are not allowed to turn the home into a war zone. Period.

 

BUT - and this is the most important part - YOU need to look for positive things in each of them every single day, and point them out to them. Do you smile at your kids? Do you remember how happy you were when you found out you were going to have them (birth or adoption)? What would you feel like if something happened to one of them? Yet many parents deal with that every day :(

 

You have to be the grown up - as I like to call myself, a benevolent dictator ;)

 

Also, there are a lot of fantastic tips in the Parenting with Love & Logic materials. Your local library will have the book, most likely. Or you can visit their website for some great tips on how to keep your cool while unemotionally giving consequences to undesirable behavior or actions.

 

Love & Logic articles