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OK-- this is one of those embarrassing, Should-I-post-this type of question, but I am at my wits' end. I thought this would be a safe place to post and get ideas, too, without being blasted (?). :001_huh:

 

My 9yo ds that I have posted about, who is probably OCD-ish and perhaps Aspergers (evals. in August) will NOT sleep in his bed. Which isn't such a huge deal except that he HAS to sleep with *me*. This is a "routine" he's established and he is VERY attached to his routines. Believe me, if I'd have realized this would turn into a set-in-stone routine it would have never started, and I'm not even sure how it has. (But let me say, we've always been pretty lax about beds and have had "the family bed" at times, too. So we're not die-hard sleep-in-your-own-room type of parents.)

 

Anyway, we live in an old farmhouse that has 3 small bedrooms upstairs. Because our girls are teens and our boys were younger when we moved in, we put their bunkbeds in our room and let each girl have their own room (for sanity's sake).

 

However, even with the bunkbed within literally arm's reach of me, my ds HAS to sleep right up next to me. He's worried something will happen to me. I cannot go away anywhere overnight without him; he won't go to his grandmothers' houses or his aunt's overnight (he used to a few years ago); if I am going away overnight and he goes with me, he has extreme anxiety about being away from home and has a hard time falling asleep. We usually end up staying up way past midnight when we're away from home because he's so worked up about sleeping away from home.

 

Back to the routine: He likes me to read aloud before bedtime. It started out with his brother in bed with us reading. Then that got too out of control and so we took turns. I think at some point, brother didn't come in bed to read so 9yo ds got to read alone with me for several nights. That became his "established routine". He now cannot have his brother in my bed reading with us because he says he can't hear me and that his brother has too many germs and will touch him. But he also cannot vary from this routine one little bit without a huge, major meltdown. He can't sit on another bed while I read and let his brother lie next to me, and then switch. We read the Bible at night, one chapter from Proverbs and another from the NT. They have to be in the same order every night. Then we read our current read aloud book.

 

Part of me thinks if I weren't this boy's mother I would say he's being very manipulative. BUT being his mother I see that he's truly distraught about any change, and also over-the-top with the anxiety and germs thing.

 

I can't have him sleeping with us too much longer. We only have a double bed! Dh is only in bed with us about 3-4 hours a night, but still, it's very crowded. Plus, I don't want him to be 12 yo still sleeping with us. But I don't know how to re-establish a different bedtime "routine" with him. I've tried but apparently I'm not doing it right.

 

Any ideas?

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I feel your pain. My 9 yr old ds is much the same way. NOw I have a double bed too, in that bed is me, my 8 month old baby, my 4.5 year old who will not transition to his own bed in the bunks until my 9 yr old ds stays in there all night. My 9 yr old sleeps at the foot of the bed because there is no room at the top and even that is crowded. My son has severe anxiety disorder in addition to adhd, the adhd keeps his brain from quieting at night and then the thoughts that pique his anxiety start building up.

 

I think what I might do is see if I can get the boys sharing 1 bed so they bother have someone to sleep with until they are settled and tough it out until they stay. My back is really starting to hurt from having to sleep in the awkward position I do. I have no other ideas at this time though which is why I still have 3 out of 4 kids in my bed.

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Have you thought about seeking the help of a psychologist? I would look for a cognitive behavioral therapist to help ds with his anxiety. Basically, the process is to 1) teach him relaxation techniques to use to counteract the physical feelings of anxiety. 2) Taking baby steps, apply the relaxation techniques to gradually overcoming the anxieties.

 

There is a book by Reid Wilson called Don't Panic and another called Stop Obsessing. The first is about overcoming panic attacks and the other about dealing with obsessions and complusions. They are self-help books for adults, but they would give you the idea of what a therapist would do. It's possible that with a child with Aspergers that there is some tweaking that should be done.

 

Though they are self-help books, I'm afraid that if you tried it yourself, you could kind of innoculate your ds against the method, rendering it less effective if you eventually went to a therapist.

 

Medication might be another route to consider.

 

A friend of mine has a child who had extreme anxiety when separated from her parents. She was afraid that if she was not with them, that something bad would happen. Mom just kept trying to accomodate it, but as this gregarious child approached the teen years, it was obvious that the anxiety would keep her from necessary social activities. They worked with a cognitive behavioral therapist, and it went really well. Therapy lasted less than a year. There were some humps to get over, some occasional regression, but it was helpful for the parents (as well as the child) to know when to go ahead and go through with their plans (for a date out, for instance) despite tears and pleading, and when it was necessary to back up a little bit. It's really hard to have that perspective when it's your kiddo because 1) you can't stand to see them hurting and 2) you can't stand it anymore (or both at the same time!)

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I have thought about a therapist. I guess I'm waiting on the neuropysch. evaluation to give me a better idea of whether it's JUST OCD or if it's OCD mixed with Aspergers (which as Laurie mentioned might take some tweaking...).

 

I would really like to try a small dose of prozac or something. My eldest dd has generalized anxiety disorder and prozac made a HUGE difference for her. She slept on our floor until she was almost 13!!! Now she has no problem sleeping in her room, pitch black, door shut. So... I know there's hope. But dh is very opposed to starting any of our other dc on medication. I know his reasons seem clear to him, but really I see the benefits it can have, esp. when the issues are almost paralyzing one entire aspect of a child's life.

 

I'll have to see if our library has those books.

 

Eldest dd had therapy as well, but only when she started medication could she really take hold of what the therapist was teaching her. I think it's probably almost going to be the same way with ds. I could be wrong.

 

Well, I think the one reason I don't try too hard to do anything to change it is because as Laurie mentioned, it could "backfire" or not be as effective as the professional version of it. :D

 

I'm glad I'm not the only one! All our kids slept in their cribs till around age 2, then something went "PING" in their brains and they had to sleep with us. Dh didn't care and I wasn't up for the fight all alone. But 9yo ds is the only one who still HAS to sleep with us. So at least I have three down and only *one* to go, right? ;)

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OK-- this is one of those embarrassing, Should-I-post-this type of question, but I am at my wits' end. I thought this would be a safe place to post and get ideas, too, without being blasted (?). :001_huh:

 

My 9yo ds that I have posted about, who is probably OCD-ish and perhaps Aspergers (evals. in August) will NOT sleep in his bed. Which isn't such a huge deal except that he HAS to sleep with *me*. This is a "routine" he's established and he is VERY attached to his routines. Believe me, if I'd have realized this would turn into a set-in-stone routine it would have never started, and I'm not even sure how it has. (But let me say, we've always been pretty lax about beds and have had "the family bed" at times, too. So we're not die-hard sleep-in-your-own-room type of parents.)

 

Anyway, we live in an old farmhouse that has 3 small bedrooms upstairs. Because our girls are teens and our boys were younger when we moved in, we put their bunkbeds in our room and let each girl have their own room (for sanity's sake).

 

However, even with the bunkbed within literally arm's reach of me, my ds HAS to sleep right up next to me. He's worried something will happen to me. I cannot go away anywhere overnight without him; he won't go to his grandmothers' houses or his aunt's overnight (he used to a few years ago); if I am going away overnight and he goes with me, he has extreme anxiety about being away from home and has a hard time falling asleep. We usually end up staying up way past midnight when we're away from home because he's so worked up about sleeping away from home.

 

Back to the routine: He likes me to read aloud before bedtime. It started out with his brother in bed with us reading. Then that got too out of control and so we took turns. I think at some point, brother didn't come in bed to read so 9yo ds got to read alone with me for several nights. That became his "established routine". He now cannot have his brother in my bed reading with us because he says he can't hear me and that his brother has too many germs and will touch him. But he also cannot vary from this routine one little bit without a huge, major meltdown. He can't sit on another bed while I read and let his brother lie next to me, and then switch. We read the Bible at night, one chapter from Proverbs and another from the NT. They have to be in the same order every night. Then we read our current read aloud book.

 

Part of me thinks if I weren't this boy's mother I would say he's being very manipulative. BUT being his mother I see that he's truly distraught about any change, and also over-the-top with the anxiety and germs thing.

 

I can't have him sleeping with us too much longer. We only have a double bed! Dh is only in bed with us about 3-4 hours a night, but still, it's very crowded. Plus, I don't want him to be 12 yo still sleeping with us. But I don't know how to re-establish a different bedtime "routine" with him. I've tried but apparently I'm not doing it right.

 

Any ideas?

 

It sure sounds like you are dealing with some OCD. I have heard from some friends who've dealt with OCD in kids that cognitive behavior therapy can be very effective. As for the bed issue, I just want to tell you that my oldest dd, who is now 19, slept in our bed for ages, and then on our floor until she was past 12. :001_huh: This child has turned out just fine. Very independent. She's away at college and has no issues stemming from this at all in spite of all the dire warnings people gave me that we were ruining her. My younger two girls also were in my bed forever. The youngest, 8, still is quite a bit. But neither are wary of sleeping alone at this point. My youngest also has some of the attachment issues you mention--not wanting me to leave, etc. She used to be way worse. It was MADDENING. I could not go anywhere without her clinging to me, crying, etc. Thank God that's subsiding! As for what I did to get her past it, I don't know.

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