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Why do people adopt internationally?


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Every time that I read about someone adopting from somewhere overseas, I always wonder why -- why do people go thousands and thousands of miles away, often with great risk (financially, emotionally)…dealing with potentially corrupt people (within agencies, but also within the governments of these countries)… all of the craziness that goes along with it… Why do people do that when they could easily adopt right here? There are sooooo many kids in need of homes right here in [i'm in Canada, but I know most of the board is in the USA, a few in other countries - fill in yours] ……it seems curious to me when people go through all of the hardships* to adopt from a foreign country.

 

Don't get me wrong - I think it's WONDERFUL that those kids get loving homes. I'm just wondering what it is that motivates people to go *that way* when the system is overflowing (sadly) with kids in need right here.

 

I'm asking out of genuine curiosity - not judgement for doing so (really. I'm just curious) - and wonder if anyone who has done an international adoption would care to share their reasons?

 

 

*re:hardships.. I don't mean to say that the hardships aren't "worth it" .. a child has gotten a home, a healthy & safe home.. that's always worth it.. but I think people know what I mean about it.. ?

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I'm speaking for my brother and SIL. They wanted to adopt an infant. They applied to adopt through the agency the LDS church has for adoptions. They waited 15 months without having a child placed with them before applying internationally. My SIL is Russian, so they applied to adopt a Russian baby. Three months into that process a baby was placed in their home through the LDS agency. The second time they applied through LDS social services a baby was placed with them within three months.

 

So for them, they had given up hope of having a baby come from with-in their own country and they had ties to the foreign country they were applying to.

 

I'm sure there must be a lot of different reasons.

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Fear.

 

Fear of becoming emotionally attached to a child that could be someday returned to the bio. parents despite every legal hoop being properly jumped through.

 

Fear of a legal system that appears inconsistent at best in applying the princlple of "doing what is in the child's best interest".

 

Fear of an egg or sperm donor showing up and leaving gaping wounds in the emotional well-being of the family. (Even if the court is on the side of the adoptive family.)

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Every time that I read about someone adopting from somewhere overseas, I always wonder why -- why do people go thousands and thousands of miles away, often with great risk (financially, emotionally)…dealing with potentially corrupt people (within agencies, but also within the governments of these countries)… all of the craziness that goes along with it… Why do people do that when they could easily adopt right here?

Nothing about adoption is easy, IMO.

There are sooooo many kids in need of homes right here in [i'm in Canada, but I know most of the board is in the USA, a few in other countries - fill in yours] ……it seems curious to me when people go through all of the hardships* to adopt from a foreign country.

 

Don't get me wrong - I think it's WONDERFUL that those kids get loving homes. I'm just wondering what it is that motivates people to go *that way* when the system is overflowing (sadly) with kids in need right here.

 

I'm asking out of genuine curiosity - not judgement for doing so (really. I'm just curious) - and wonder if anyone who has done an international adoption would care to share their reasons?

 

 

*re:hardships.. I don't mean to say that the hardships aren't "worth it" .. a child has gotten a home, a healthy & safe home.. that's always worth it.. but I think people know what I mean about it.. ?

 

Every child deserves a loving family. We didn't feel comfortable marketing ourselves to prospective birth mothers. We had young children in the home and decided it would be too painful for them (not to mention us)to do foster/adopt, get attached to a baby and then have the baby removed from our home. Because we had young children in the home we did not feel it was appropriate to have an older child, likely exposed to abuse/trauma/loss, likely to have RAD, in our home. I wish people who thought of all of the kids in need of homes domestically were familiar with the way they system works, and just how much it is in need of reform. I also want to say when I get asked that question, (not directed to OP--I get that you are genuinely trying to understand) "How many kids have you adopted domestically from the foster care system?"

 

Sadly adoption (domestic or international) is way more complicated than I ever could have imagined, and I have seen corrupt people and broken hearts right in my own neighborhood. I held a crying friend the day before Christmas one year when she had just discovered the birth mother she had been matched with was deceiving her (this wasn't a case of a birth mother choosing to parent her child--it was horrible). Domestic adoption is not easy and there are legitimate reasons people choose international. (Which for us did *not* include a desire for our daughter to have no relationship with her first mother. I wish for her she could have that option.)

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I've heard it said:

 

You sacrifice your money to adopt internationally.

 

You sacrifice your dignity to adopt through the state.

 

Either way, as long as a child gets a loving home, should it matter how their parents went about choosing which path to take?

 

Thank you! :iagree:

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I adopted internationally because God directed me that way. While we have a system that is overflowing here, we also have a very broken system. There are also SO MANY opportunities here...compared to these other countries these children do not know poverty.

 

Children with Down Syndrome, like my daughter, in many countries will never make it past birth. There's little to no medical help. They are starved to death, literally. At age 5 many countries in Eastern Europe send the kiddos with special needs to their asylums, they are tied to beds, they never see the light of day, they are hosed done for an occasional cleaning...it's inhumane.

 

Here's some links of what it is like in these institutions:

 

 

http://www.nogreaterjoymom.com/2010/06/i-left-my-heart-there.html

 

I'm not trying to be snarky, but I'm always amazed by the people who will criticize those who adopt internationally, when they are not filling up their homes with kiddos here. I say if God calls you to adopt from the US, then by all means do it, but if not, don't criticize those who are trying to make a difference.

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I've heard it said:

 

You sacrifice your money to adopt internationally.

 

You sacrifice your dignity to adopt through the state.

 

Either way, as long as a child gets a loving home, should it matter how their parents went about choosing which path to take?

 

:iagree:

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We wanted an infant.

 

We did not want an open adoption.

 

We did not want to live with the fear of the birth mom changing her mind (this happened to a close friend of mine...twice)

 

The process for us was actually cheaper, faster, and more reliable than domestic adoption. I know people who were on waiting lists for years for a domestic adoption.

 

We DID foster 5 children in the U.S. We tried to adopt two of them. it was an absolute nightmare and it never worked out. CPS put them back with their drug-addict father and ex-con mother.

 

Unless you have actually TRIED to adopt domestically, you don't know what it is like. People have said to me "there are so many kids in the U.S. that need homes. Why don't you adopt those kids?" To which I answer, go ahead and try. See how that works out for you.

 

Believe me, if it were easier or cheaper to adopt domestically people would do

it.

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I'm not trying to be snarky, but I'm always amazed by the people who will criticize those who adopt internationally, when they are not filling up their homes with kiddos here.

 

I'm taking our littlest fella up to bed right now and will be coming back to read this thread, check links, etc tomorrow - but I just wanted to say two things quickly… a) I don't intend my post to be a criticism, not at all, I'm just wondering about the 'why' of that route… and b) I'd adopt (locally) in a heartbeat, have always wanted to do that - but unfortunately we're not qualified. :(

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I had a friend adopting domestically, they had paid the fees and money had gone toward the mother's care and she decided to keep the baby. She did not call the lawyer when she went into labor.

 

My SIL and BIL have adopted from Ethiopia and are in the process of adopting from Eastern Europe. The social worker who did their home study has recently dealt with a couple who completely faked a pregnancy and went through the adoption process, got the hopes up of another couple, and it was all a lie.

 

The child they are adopting from Eastern Europe has down syndrome. They were told she would be kept at the infant house until their paper work came through. When the paperwork was submitted, they learned that she had been move to an institution. They will still be allowed to adopt her, but they wanted to prevent her from spending time in an institution.

 

Deception and hardships happen in both types of adoption. They felt called to adopt internationally. We have a friend who has adopted twins through the foster system. If I can convince my DH, I am open to fostering children and possibly adopting, but not until my kids are older.

 

Either type of adoption blesses a child with a happy and safe home.

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Why do people do that when they could easily adopt right here?

 

I know that I have taken only a portion of your post but this is the one that is by far the most offensive and I just have to comment on it. DH and I are trying to adopt domestically. We have numerous friends that have adopted domestically and abroad. There is nothing at all easy about it. Domestic adoptions can be expensive, heartrending, long drawn out ordeals. So can international. Please point me to the place where there are lots of babies that are able to be adopted and I will be there tomorrow.

 

I have a friend in Florida who is adopting from China. She has two children already and wants to adopt a toddler. The Florida system is not setup to foster adopt and mothers aren't generally giving up todders for adoption so she has to do an international adoption. Her road isn't an easy one but due to the laws where she lives it's the only way she's going to be able to adopt a toddler.

 

ETA: Rereading I sound a bit harsh. It's just very hurtful when people assume that any adoption is easy. Getting to the point where you need to adopt is hard enough and then you get to hear from people that you are doing such a wonderful thing adopting. You know because there are all these kids out there that need good homes. Um. No. There's no surplus of kids out there needing good homes that ARE ELIGIBLE FOR ADOPTION. There's tons of kids in the system that can be fostered but not adopted.

Edited by aggieamy
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I'm taking our littlest fella up to bed right now and will be coming back to read this thread, check links, etc tomorrow - but I just wanted to say two things quickly… a) I don't intend my post to be a criticism, not at all, I'm just wondering about the 'why' of that route… and b) I'd adopt (locally) in a heartbeat, have always wanted to do that - but unfortunately we're not qualified. :(

 

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to direct it to you. I have been asked this question/criticized/told this by so many people.

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To which I answer, go ahead and try. See how that works out for you.

 

Believe me, if it were easier or cheaper to adopt domestically people would do

it.

 

My bil, after 7 years of waiting, was finally able to adopt his foster son last year. 7 years was a LONG wait and I watched them go through some serious emotional turmoil.

 

A friend of mine is also trying to adopt domestically. She's had several sets of siblings that she hoped to adopt but they became unavailable. One was a good thing, but my friend's heart has been ripped out several times. She now has a little girl that they're hoping to adopt. There are several rounds of 'rights severing' that the mom has to go through first, though. It's agonizing.

 

Just these two stories have convinced me that unless everything was lining up perfectly, we'd never adopt domestically.

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I know that I have taken only a portion of your post but this is the one that is by far the most offensive

 

I should have said "easily-er" - if it was a word :tongue_smilie: ..I meant that local adoptions do not seem to be (from what I've seen - keep in mind I am NOT in the United States.. things may be quite different in Canada) as drawn out and complicated as international ones.

 

I'm honestly not trying to offend.. if a person doesn't ask questions, then they can't learn. I'm curious, I want to know.. so I'm asking. (and getting a lot of answers) …trying to ask without getting anyone all wrinkled at me. ;)

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I should have said "easily-er" - if it was a word :tongue_smilie: ..I meant that local adoptions do not seem to be (from what I've seen - keep in mind I am NOT in the United States.. things may be quite different in Canada) as drawn out and complicated as international ones.

 

I'm honestly not trying to offend.. if a person doesn't ask questions, then they can't learn. I'm curious, I want to know.. so I'm asking. (and getting a lot of answers) …trying to ask without getting anyone all wrinkled at me. ;)

 

No problem. It's late. I'm tired. I'm tired of waiting. DH and I have a name all picked out and have for going on two years now. I probably should go to bed because I'm feeling too sensitive and all the horror stories of domestic adoptions is stressing me out.

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We've had our paperwork over in China since April 2007. Yes, we've been waiting 4 years and we're not even close. If we get the call in the next 24 months, I'd be shocked. We've all but given up. We're considering withdrawing our paperwork.

 

We considered adopting domestically and while we were in the process of making that decision, my husband's dear friend was called to the hospital because a mother was giving birth to his (and his wife's) new baby. They witnessed the birth (after paying all of her medical bills), they held the baby (even before the bio mom) and they went home that night full of joy over finally having a baby in the home. The next day they went back to the hospital to take the baby home and the bio said "No."

 

That's it. Nothing else, just "No." Two weeks later my husband was in an airport and making small talk while waiting in line at Starbucks and a perfect strager mentioned that he was having a bad day, he and his wife had a child for a year ~ 12 MONTHS ~ and bio mom showed up one day and said "I listed the wrong dad on the birth certificate". It nullified the adoption. ONE FULL YEAR and then their baby was gone.

 

We took these two occurances as signs that we should not adopt domestically. My husband looked me straight in the eye and said he would not hesitate to break the law if we found ourselves in either of those circumstances. We couldn't do it.

 

We have two very beautiful, very healthy bio kids and while I did not believe our family was complete, fate obviously had other ideas.

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It's probably unpopular to say this, but I do believe it's true in many (most?) cases. People don't want to recognize that their kids have other parents. They don't want to deal with birthparents/families. Birthfamilies, like extended bio families, can be messy and they don't want to deal with them.

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And to the OP ~ I'm not at all offended by your questions. I've not had a positive adoption experience, but I know many many people that have ~ both domestically and internationally.

 

I am passionate about helping people learn the ins and outs of adoption, if they truly want to learn. The world of adoption is a beautiful place, but it does have it's ugly side and I feel anyone considering adoption (or even curious about it) needs to see it all. :grouphug:

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The answer to this question is very individual. Personally I have friends who have been involved in very painful domestic adoptions - one had the baby reclaimed by the birth mom after 12 months, the other agonized over 2 years until the bio parents' rights were finally severed. Also, as a single mom who was 39 when I decided to pursue adoption, I felt it could be years or forever before a birth mom "chose" me to parent her kid (and I wanted 2 kids, so that would take even longer). As a single mom, I didn't see foster-to-adopt or special needs adoption to be viable options, because I needed to work and couldn't take on a significant risk that my child would need a stay-at-home parent. (Foster-to-adopt normally involves kids with issues such as severe past abuse, mental illness, or being born medically fragile due to drug addiction.) I also selfishly wanted babies, not older kids. So domestic adoption from the "system" wasn't for me.

 

International travel, study, languages, etc. have long been great interests of mine. I have many international friends as well as US friends who have internationally adopted. One day I was sitting late in my office thinking about - who knows what - and it suddenly hit me that God meant for me to adopt internationally. It was a very emotional moment and pretty much out of the blue. In addition to providing a possible way around some of the issues with domestic, the fact is that orphans in other countries are needier than orphans in the USA. Yes, every child deserves a family, but a child in the US foster system theoretically has some semblance of that, and many services and opportunities made available to him (e.g., he can probably go to college if he has the intelligence and motivation). An orphan growing up in a developing country probably gets his meals from the garbage dump, when he doesn't steal them (or she doesn't prostitute herself for them).

 

I must say there's nothing easy about adoption, whether it's domestic or international. To the person who said we just don't want to acknowledge the birth family - that is not true. My kids are aware of their birth moms and if we get the opportunity and they want to, they will meet them. My kids' birth moms could have changed their minds at any time during the 8 months following my referrals. There were four separate times when each birth mom chose to sign off, including at least one time when she was required to hold the baby. This was terribly nerve-wracking, but I always prayed that God would guide the birth moms to make whatever decision was best for the baby - because if they had chosen to parent, I could only be happy for them (while devastated for myself). In addition to the birth mom's right to rescind, there were many other variables out of our control. Was the child receiving adequate care and nutrition? What if she gets sick? The laws of both countries were in constant legislative discussions and did change a few times during my process. There was an ongoing debate (thanks, Unicef) over whether the adoption program should be halted all together - with all the babies removed from foster care to third-world orphanages. There were stories of officials detaining couples as they boarded the plane back to the US with their baby. One child was murdered in her bed a couple of weeks before her US family was to bring her home (and also a few weeks before Christmas). I always say, adoption is not for the faint of heart.

 

I'm not even getting into the 6 months of paperwork and vetting that needed to be done just to qualify for the adoption (and each document seemed to have its own drama attached). Nor the years of legalities afterwards, to get their paperwork in order as my daughters and US citizens. Our ongoing efforts to help our kids develop their identity as Americans who are also foreign born, brown-skinned adoptees. And as if that weren't enough, dealing with people who have not adopted, who have an "opinion" about international adoption. Oh, our children are "accessories," we stole them from their parents, we expolited their birth moms, we don't care about US foster kids, we are racist against African Americans, we are preventing our kids from having roots, we suck because we don't know how to do our kids' hair! Whatever!

 

Bottom line, adoption is a personal decision. I would not ask someone why they have X number of kids or why they chose IVF over adoption. I would give the person the benefit of the doubt that they gave it some thought and have their reasons.

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I'm not even getting into the 6 months of paperwork and vetting that needed to be done just to qualify for the adoption (and each document seemed to have its own drama attached). Nor the years of legalities afterwards, to get their paperwork in order as my daughters and US citizens. Our ongoing efforts to help our kids develop their identity as Americans who are also foreign born, brown-skinned adoptees. And as if that weren't enough, dealing with people who have not adopted, who have an "opinion" about international adoption. Oh, our children are "accessories," we stole them from their parents, we expolited their birth moms, we don't care about US foster kids, we are racist against African Americans, we are preventing our kids from having roots.

 

:grouphug: thank you for saying this. I have one Korean ds and one Indian dd and I have felt this and still deal with this same stuff all the time.

 

We were accosted last week by a family here who accused us of "buying a baby" and being human traffickers.

 

So my new response when people accuse me is LET'S PLAY A GAME CALLED "MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS". YOU GO FIRST.

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The parents (understandably) want babies, since older children can come with psychological damage that makes them near impossible to bond with. There is a racial issue in adoption too-- this is well studied and documented-- and unfortunately african americans, and especially AA boys, are at the bottom of the racial "totem pole." I am not trying to stir the pot here, but ask any social worker in the adoption field and they will tell you white americans are more comfortable adopting white or asian children, and the younger the better. Honestly I think people should adopt how they are comfortable, so I don't judge them.

 

There's also the issue of the mothers in international adoptions having few, if any, rights to reclaim the child once the baby is available for adoption. I can only imagine how horrific it is to be in the adoption process only to have the birthmom change her mind... which of course, she should have the right to do... but it doesn't make it less heart breaking for the adoptive parents,

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Please understand that no one is attacking you personally. We are attacking a set of myths that are fairly deeply ingrained in the Western world.

Why do people do that when they could easily adopt right here?

 

This is incredibly irritating to read. I know you didn't intend it that way, but it's so completely wrong and clearly based on no experience or knowledge of any kind on the subject. America and Canada are full of people promoting this lie and it's a constant source of annoyance to those of us who do have knowledge and experience on the subject. You claim to ask a question, and yet you have an erroneous conclusion built right into it.

 

You have asked the equivalent of, "Why do people think the world is round when it clearly is flat?"

 

 

There are sooooo many kids in need of homes right here in [i'm in Canada, but I know most of the board is in the USA, a few in other countries - fill in yours] ……it seems curious to me when people go through all of the hardships* to adopt from a foreign country.

 

Depending on the birth country (they vary dramatically) domestic American adoption can be more difficult, expensive, and risky than international adoption. Again you have made a conclusion type statement that is not accurate. Hardship is a good description of domestic and fostercare adoption.

Don't get me wrong - I think it's WONDERFUL that those kids get loving homes. I'm just wondering what it is that motivates people to go *that way* when the system is overflowing (sadly) with kids in need right here.

 

You are assuming that a child in need of a home (in the foster care system) is the same thing as a child who is available for adoption. Not all. Severing parental rights takes years if it happens at all. In that time children can be sent back to bio parents and extended bio family.

 

When we were adopting in 2005 from S. Korea we had friends doing fostadopt here in AZ. The requested ONLY older foster children eligible for adoption be sent to their home. Over a span of 3 years 12 children were sent. They tried to adopt 11 of the 12. None NONE! not one of them was actually eligible. All were sent elsewhere (back to bio parents or extended bio families.) They gave up.

 

This was typical of the dozen foster families we interviewed when trying to decide if we would adopt domestically or internationally.

 

If a couple is 100% committed to absolutely keeping whatever child comes into the home, there's no way they are going to gamble on a foster child. There is no guarantee that a foster child will able to stay permanently. Would you be willing to do that? No? Welcome to the club. Yes? Great, you can fill out your fostadopt application bright and early Monday morning.

 

Children who have been in the fostercare system are there for a reason. They have been seriously abused or neglected. That takes its toll on a child. Those of us with minor aged children in the home are going to be far more cautious if we have done our homework on common behavior issues in foster kids. Age and early life experience are serious factors to be weighted. The chances of getting an infant in foster care is very small.

 

We talked to peds and a developmental ped with experience with adoptees from here and abroad. It is a really serious matter and adoptive parents have to go in with their eyes open and their fantasies completely abandoned. There are higher risk adoptees adn lower risk adoptees and parents need real information about each before deciding which way to go. Abused and neglected kids are in the higher risk categories no matter where they were born.

 

S. Korea is the gold standard for foster care. It's almost unheard of for birthmothers to abuse substances or have mental health issues. Birthmothers place their babies (and give up custody) within a couple of days after birth. The babies are in a foster family where they are doted on and adored and given modern medical treatment as needed until the child arrives in the US before age 1. Ours was 7 months old on arrival. There is no way for a birthparent to try to get a baby back after the child has been placed.

 

Parents who already have 2 or more kids can forget any kind of private adoption in the US unless they know the birthmother and she wants them to adopt her baby. If you were a birthmother would you choose an adoptive family that had a) no children b)children. Almost every birthmother (birthmothers are about 1% of women experiencing an unwanted pregnancy in the US) chooses a) the childless couple for obvious reasons.

 

Now that you know, you can spread the news so the rest of us have to answer this annoying set of questions fewer times in our future.

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Here in Australia adoption is virtually impossible- the numbers are so miniscule. Probably because of both abortions AND our good social security system- you can live quite well on single parents benefit.

Everyone I know who has wanted to adopt has had to go international- and its still a very difficult process from here.

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We wanted an infant.

 

We did not want an open adoption.

 

We did not want to live with the fear of the birth mom changing her mind (this happened to a close friend of mine...twice)

 

The process for us was actually cheaper, faster, and more reliable than domestic adoption. I know people who were on waiting lists for years for a domestic adoption.

 

We DID foster 5 children in the U.S. We tried to adopt two of them. it was an absolute nightmare and it never worked out. CPS put them back with their drug-addict father and ex-con mother.

 

Unless you have actually TRIED to adopt domestically, you don't know what it is like. People have said to me "there are so many kids in the U.S. that need homes. Why don't you adopt those kids?" To which I answer, go ahead and try. See how that works out for you.

 

Believe me, if it were easier or cheaper to adopt domestically people would do

it.

 

This is what my sister with 3 adopted kids from India has said.

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For those in the process who need encouragement, my very best friend from childhood adopted her newborn daughter 3 months ago and she is precious. But even being open to any race, they waited close to two years after completing paperwork before being chosen by a birth mother. And this was after spending months researching Ethiopia and finally deciding on domestic because they were concerned about being caught in a shutdown (as in Vietnam). These decisions are generally reached (or should be) after tons of research and soul-searching, not to mention for many the pain and loss of infertility that leads people to adoption.

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The question you are posing reads very much like my neighbor's constant, "Why would you homeschool your children when we have the best schools in the area right here? It just makes no sense to me." She asked it at least once every year.

 

I wanted to adopt a child from China from the time I was a very young girl. My father was born and raised in China. I heard the China stories growing up. My middle name is Chinese, even though I am very caucasian. Even though China was not open when I was young, I just knew I wanted a Chinese child.

 

I have nothing against adopting domestically. However, I have heard horror story after horror story of people going through failed adoptions here in the US that it certainly didn't appeal to me to deal with it.

 

Dawn

 

Every time that I read about someone adopting from somewhere overseas, I always wonder why -- why do people go thousands and thousands of miles away, often with great risk (financially, emotionally)…dealing with potentially corrupt people (within agencies, but also within the governments of these countries)… all of the craziness that goes along with it… Why do people do that when they could easily adopt right here? There are sooooo many kids in need of homes right here in [i'm in Canada, but I know most of the board is in the USA, a few in other countries - fill in yours] ……it seems curious to me when people go through all of the hardships* to adopt from a foreign country.

 

Don't get me wrong - I think it's WONDERFUL that those kids get loving homes. I'm just wondering what it is that motivates people to go *that way* when the system is overflowing (sadly) with kids in need right here.

 

I'm asking out of genuine curiosity - not judgement for doing so (really. I'm just curious) - and wonder if anyone who has done an international adoption would care to share their reasons?

 

 

*re:hardships.. I don't mean to say that the hardships aren't "worth it" .. a child has gotten a home, a healthy & safe home.. that's always worth it.. but I think people know what I mean about it.. ?

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I have adopted twice domestically and wonder the same thing all the time. It seems that people believe that they cannot get an infant or have a closed adoption if they adopt, or that it will take a long time.

 

My adoptions are closed, and I got my babies right out of the hospital. Both of my girls were two days old. One adoption took 10 days and one took 3 months - not very long at all. We did go through an adoption attorney and not an agency, so that may be a big difference.

 

I think if you specify a white newborn, you might have to wait a long time - but we certainly didn't care. One of our girls is bi-racial and one is black. If you really don't have a problem with a different race, it doesn't take a long time and is not difficult to adopt domestically.

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Many of my friends have adopted domestically. Generally it has been a nightmare. So many birth mothers changing their minds, so many birth parents taking many thousands of dollars for support during the pregnancy only to disappear near the end, so much time waiting and waiting and waiting. When it finally works out, it's wonderful, but the experiences I've seen my friends go through when it hasn't worked out would rip your heart out.

 

International costs more, but, from what I've seen, involves a bit less of an emotional roller coaster.

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I think if you specify a white newborn, you might have to wait a long time - but we certainly didn't care. One of our girls is bi-racial and one is black. If you really don't have a problem with a different race, it doesn't take a long time and is not difficult to adopt domestically.

 

Two of my friends with adopted children only have kids who are black. I'm glad your adoptions have been easy, but generally, your statements are untrue.

 

ETA: Another friend wanted a child of any race and eventually, after years, gave up, opting instead for embryo adoption.

Edited by Parker Martin
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Requirements are different for domestic and international adoptions. Some families may better qualify for international adoptions than domestic. Ages of people wanting to adopt matters. Some countries allow older couples to adopt younger children.

 

I have 2 children by domestic adoption. The private adoption was not easy by any means. Our first adoption went fairly well, but the several other times we tried, it didn't go well. In most adoptions you make a beautiful scrapbook of your life and use it as a way to sell yourself to birthmothers. You may be picked right away, or never. You may be picked because you have the same religious background, or because she liked the NFL team on your dh's shirt. Emotions run incredibly high for you and for her. After 2 or 3 attempts where you can't be refunded the thousands you provided for a birthmother's care even though she changes your mind, you are broke with no child. At least with international adoption the children are already there and waiting.

 

So then we went into foster care. We knew some kids would return to families. We knew some kids had serious problems but we didn't expect were the lies about how bad the kids were and how we would be blamed for it even though it wasn't our fault. We brought in 2 girls that were severely RAD at ages 4 & 5 - but we were not told how bad it was. Our house became a nightmare and we were blamed. When we finally got ourselves out of that mess, our own child was traumatized as well.

 

Fast forward to our dd. Another foster child. Parental rights were supposed to be terminated in 6 months due to special issues. It took 12. Adoption was to be completed in 4 months after the termination- it took another 18 months because of lazy workers and stupid mistakes-including discovering at the end that in the original removal paperwork the name of the family our dd was removed from was wrong. If the biological family had known this, they could have had the termination over ruled. We were so emotionally exhausted we won't be adopting again.

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We wanted an infant.

 

We did not want an open adoption.

 

We did not want to live with the fear of the birth mom changing her mind (this happened to a close friend of mine...twice)

 

 

This is essentially what our friends told us. They wanted an infant. The local agencies they tried to work with were pushing open adoption. Friend was very uncomfortable with that. They didn't want to risk having a birth mother change her mind. They felt international adoption was their only option.

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Because it is virtually impossible to adopt a healthy child, of any race, under the age of 6 here. When we called to place our names on the list, the state informed me that they were no longer taking names and would not for at least 7 more years. (This is by the state.) So, we went to a private agency. After talking to a counselor there, we learned that unless we were willing to have an open adoption there was virtually no chance of adopting a child. As we were considering that option, two cases occurred where a legally adopted child was returned to the birthparents. One of those babies was 3 years old and had been with her adoptive parents since she left the hospital. The adoption had been finalized. Our counselor told us that with the current system adoptions are dissolved on a regular basis. Most of the time, they have not been finalized, but often the children have been placed with the family and the process is dragged out for years due to technicalities. We opted to go internationally at that point. That didn't work out so well either. The country decided to close as our application was in the mail.

 

Bottom line, unless you are very fortunate and lucky, adoption isn't the easy solution that most people think it is. Currently, I have a friend who is attempting to adopt. They found that the same system and answers are in place today as when I was attempting to adopt 20 years ago. It isn't going very well. They decided to accept a special needs case. After a year, the adoption is still not finalized and may not be. These boys may be taken from their home after knowing a stable life and love for years.

Edited by Lolly
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I have adopted twice domestically and wonder the same thing all the time. It seems that people believe that they cannot get an infant or have a closed adoption if they adopt, or that it will take a long time.

 

My adoptions are closed, and I got my babies right out of the hospital. Both of my girls were two days old. One adoption took 10 days and one took 3 months - not very long at all. We did go through an adoption attorney and not an agency, so that may be a big difference.

 

I think if you specify a white newborn, you might have to wait a long time - but we certainly didn't care. One of our girls is bi-racial and one is black. If you really don't have a problem with a different race, it doesn't take a long time and is not difficult to adopt domestically.

 

I am happy for you that the process was smooth and quick. I have two close friends who were attempting domestic adoption, open to any race. One had a horrible, terrible, heart-breaking experience. (And this was through a reputable adoption attorney). She was finally able to bring home a daughter from China. The other family waited close to two years from completing paperwork to being chosen by a birth mother. They have a beautiful baby girl, but from what I have seen your experience was not typical in terms of time.

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Even my friends who now have an African-American girl and are trying for a 2nd AA child have gone through this.

 

Dawn

 

Many of my friends have adopted domestically. Generally it has been a nightmare. So many birth mothers changing their minds, so many birth parents taking many thousands of dollars for support during the pregnancy only to disappear near the end, so much time waiting and waiting and waiting. When it finally works out, it's wonderful, but the experiences I've seen my friends go through when it hasn't worked out would rip your heart out.

 

International costs more, but, from what I've seen, involves a bit less of an emotional roller coaster.

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We adopted internationally from China because like another poster said, it's almost impossible to adopt a single child under the age of 6 even if they have medical needs. When we were wondering if our adoption would ever happen in China, we looked into adoption in Minnesota. The only options were foster to adopt which we weren't going to put our family through (how can you have a child in your home for months or years and have some random family member show up soooo much later and say they will parent this child) or waiting to be matched with a newborn which also could take years and we already had 3 kids so we didn't feel right about that anyway. We were willing to adopt a child with medical needs. We wound up adopting our daughter 2 years ago as a 2 1/2 year old with a repaired cleft lip/palate and mild hearing loss. It has not been an easy road because she is a definite spitfire of a little girl (which is probably how she survived over 2 years in an orphanage), but she's our spitfire.

 

Beth

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Even my friends who now have an African-American girl and are trying for a 2nd AA child have gone through this.

 

Dawn

 

Yes. All my friends who have (or have tried) to adopt children of other races have gone through this.

 

Heh. I'll be honest, I get really ticked off when people say, "Well, if the person wasn't set on a white baby it would be easier." I've watched my friends wait forever and go through hell to get babies of any race.

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I find it sad how many refuse open adoption or don't want their children to know about their birth family. I'm afraid my mother broke a couple's heart as well (changed her mind the day she was supposed to sign the last forms)....mainly because she couldn't deal with the idea of never knowing what happened to me if she let me go.

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I'm probably one of THE most globally minded people on here (and it's gotten me fussed at more than a few times on here so I just don't go to those kinds of threads); but I simply do not think international is better and there is nothing in this thread that suggests otherwise unless the big fear is ever having to have anything to do with first parents (btw, and I *still* think this is a myth anyway because KIDS still know they had first parents and the things that come with that *and* the world *is* becoming more global so it is very likely they could learn of their first family and enjoy a relationship with them later too).

 

Well, maybe not nothing in this thread sways me at all. If you want a healthy child under 2years old, then certain countries may be an ideal situation in some ways. Otherwise? just disagree.

 

And yes, if our adoption of "the three" falls through this winter, I will feel the same.

Edited by 2J5M9K
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My experience has been that people want an infant.

 

That being said, I know two families who have adopted newborn babies in the US. One was a long procedure that involved several mothers changing their mind, and was definitely a private adoption. I am not sure of the other one, except that it was handled through some organization/agency rather than person-to-person.

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We wish that adoption was easier in the US. Frankly, we tried and we were told to go international. We already had young children (by birth) but we knew that the Lord had called us to adopt. Most, not all, children are not placed in adoptive families until all possibilities of reuniting with their biological family have been exhausted. This process can take years and the lack of bonding/psychological damage is often tremendous. We couldn't take on that type of situation.

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I find it sad how many refuse open adoption or don't want their children to know about their birth family. I'm afraid my mother broke a couple's heart as well (changed her mind the day she was supposed to sign the last forms)....mainly because she couldn't deal with the idea of never knowing what happened to me if she let me go.

 

 

Mommaduck,

 

There is a very good reason for not wanting an open adoption. It's not malicious. In a good portion of the states, birthparents have many months, not days, not weeks, months and even up to three years to change their minds. That's right! You love them, you bond with them, you parent them, they are YOUR child, and bio mom or dad can up and one day decide to sue to get them back. Everything they "know" about your family after the child is placed with you can be used against you. We have five friends that have completed open adoptions. They will never do another one...NOPE! Each one has been a nightmare. Each one has ended up with their child being returned to the biological parent/s after being with them for a year or more. It is gut wrenching!!!!

 

Yet, in every closed adoption case, not one of our friends has lost their child.

 

It's real easy for everyone who has never gone through it to point fingers and assume ill of the adoptive parents. To be honest with you, I consider it an absolute miracle that any family anywhere is still willing to work in the system. It is astounding to me that there are still such things as adoptions in America because the system is that bad.

 

You could ask us how we know. You could ask about what happened to the 6 year old girl who was supposed to become out little girl a year ago this past Christmas. You could ask. I never posted much of anything about it and I probably never will. So, maybe no one should ask about it. It hurts too much! We are now out of the system...out of domestic adoption, out of international adoption, out of foster-to-adopt. Done. We.will.never.put.our.family.through.that.again.

 

I'm sorry if this comes across rude. We've been badly hurt through the concept of "open adoption" and I can't recommend it to anyone.

 

Faith

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Because there are MILLIONS of orphans worldwide. More than enough to go around.

 

Some, like my niece and nephew from Ethiopia, are HIV + and will die very young if they stay in their own country without access to medical care. Others, who are "imperfect" in other ways will be put in mental institutions or turned out on the street to become prostitutes (http://reecesrainbow.org).

 

I thank God that there are folks called to adopt internationally. We plan to when our children are older.

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I'm probably one of THE most globally minded people on here (and it's gotten me fussed at more than a few times on here so I just don't go to those kinds of threads); but I simply do not think international is better and there is nothing in this thread that suggests otherwise unless the big fear is ever having to have anything to do with first parents (btw, and I *still* think this is a myth anyway because KIDS still know they had first parents and the things that come with that *and* the world *is* becoming more global so it is very likely they could learn of their first family and enjoy a relationship with them later too).

 

Well, maybe not nothing in this thread sways me at all. If you want a healthy child under 2years old, then certain countries may be an ideal situation in some ways. Otherwise? just disagree.

 

And yes, if my adoption of "the three" falls through this winter, I will feel the same. I scour the photolistings online, put out "feelers" with workers, etc trying to find if we are the right family for other waiting children. We foster primarily to help children and families. Our first kids were adopted. Our first kids this time went back to mom and are doing great. Our babies are expected to go to family in September and back with mom pretty quickly. We completely and totally agree with and support all of these things and are very happy for everyone involved.

 

I *do* think it may be an issue for people to plan to foster to adopt. The majority of kids in foster care go back to parents or family. And they should. If a person doesn't support reunification, they shouldn't foster.

 

I absolutely agree with the bolded. I just don't think all of the people who ask about the children who need homes domestically get this. Which, again is why we did not choose foster to adopt. (Not that we don't support reunification--but our purpose in adopting was to add a child to our family forever.) You are doing a beautiful thing--but there is a big difference between fostering and adoption, and I don't think it is appropriate to villify (not saying you are, but others do) those who do not choose fostering because it is not the right choice for their family.

 

I don't think anyone is saying international is better. But that there are legitimate reasons people choose it. That people who have researched, prayed, and thought deeply about it choose it. And not because they are racist. Or because they would not be interested in open adoption domestically. Or because they want to deny the existence of the child's first family. I think you are perhaps not aware of the APs who have adopted internationally who have met first families, who travel as frequently as possible to see them, who regularly exchange letters and photographs, or have hired investigators to find them, or pray that one day their child will be fortunate enough to have the option of a relationship with their first family. Of course kids know they had first parents.

 

I am glad that the path you chose works well for your family. That doesn't mean it is the right path for everyone. And again--having spent time in several orphanages in Vietnam--and knowing what the option for my daughter may well have been had she remained there (orphaned Vietnamese girls and women are targets for human trafficking) I will not apologize for our choices.

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I want to say that I can't blame someone for not wanting to foster here (and I don't *want* people to foster with the *primary* goal being adoption as that isn't best for the majority of kids who can go to parents or family). EVERY step of the process the last several months has been problematic. Every week, *something* else comes up. I love our babies and am so glad we can provide for them temporarily til they go to family next month and mom shortly after that. But dealing with the system itself is absolutely ridiculous. I honestly cannot imagine doing this for 15years despite my desire. I just don't have it in me. I wonder if we'll do it any real length of time.

 

Oh, and Tamara posted....We specifically asked about HIV+. If those kids are the ones a person is interested in, I can see going international for a few reasons.

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I find it sad how many refuse open adoption or don't want their children to know about their birth family. I'm afraid my mother broke a couple's heart as well (changed her mind the day she was supposed to sign the last forms)....mainly because she couldn't deal with the idea of never knowing what happened to me if she let me go.

Most adults adopting I know are not necessarily against open adoption. It is not, for most, a matter of them not wanting the child to know about their biological family. But that is such a wide term that most people are afraid of what it could turn into. I had more than one agency tell me that unless I agreed to weekly/monthly visits in my home by the birthmother (and sometimes members of her family) I would never have a child placed with me thru their agency. I was ok with emails and such, but weekly visits?? No, at least not at first, I was definately not ok with that. Then you have the adoptive parents who are ok with those weekly visits and such, but then are matched with a birthmother who didn't particularly want an open adoption but was told by the agency that she had to have one.

 

Then there are other complications. How do you explain to a child that Birthmom, who was coming regularly the first 5 years, has decided to move across country, get married, and no longer have contact? Or what if you need to move across country and the birthmother is upset because she only chose you because you lived near by? How do you explain to one adopted child that his birthmother loved him just as much even though she doesn't visit or send gifts like sister's birthmother? What if the adoptive family decide that the visits and communication are too much and need the birthmother to step back for a time? Or what if open adoption means that you just send pictures and email on occassion? The term is so used so widely that it is scary to adoptive parents and agencies try to pressure you into the most open situation as possible.

 

We did a semi open adoption with our son. We know the birthmother's name and we regularly provided pictures and updates thru the agency (until the agency was closed for fraudulent practices). We met before the birth of our son so she could know who we were. She knows our names. We can find each other, hopefully, if we need to. She chose no contact from us on her own.

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You could ask us how we know. You could ask about what happened to the 6 year old girl who was supposed to become out little girl a year ago this past Christmas. You could ask. I never posted much of anything about it and I probably never will. So, maybe no one should ask about it. It hurts too much! We are now out of the system...out of domestic adoption, out of international adoption, out of foster-to-adopt. Done. We.will.never.put.our.family.through.that.again.

 

I'm sorry if this comes across rude. We've been badly hurt through the concept of "open adoption" and I can't recommend it to anyone.

 

Faith

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

And loads of :grouphug:

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