Bringing the skeleton out of the closet

[Chelli]

I need some advice from the hive...Here is the back story: From the age of 4/5 until high school, I was molested off and on by a cousin who is two years older than me. He threatened to mess with my sister unless I gave in. I spent most of my childhood making sure that none of my other girl cousins or my sister were ever alone with him.

 

Fast forward to last summer...my mom informs me that my other boy cousin who is 4 years younger than me is in therapy because he was molested by older boy cousin for 4 years. My mom asked me if he had ever tried anything with me and I told her the whole story. I hadn't told anyone in the family about it for the sake of keeping peace among my family. In my childish logic, I thought that I could protect my other cousins. Unfortunately, I never thought about having to protect my boy cousin.

 

Younger boy cousin (now married with two kids) has refused to come to any family functions for about three years (which has upset our grandmother greatly). After finding out about my other cousin's molestation by the older cousin coupled with my own, my husband has said that our family can no longer attend family functions where older cousin is present. Before we would go to Christmas/4th of July celebration where older cousin was present but was never alone with our children.

 

Fast forward to this summer...we are leaving to go visit my family this summer (like we do every summer) without my husband (he has to work). During this visit my mom is throwing a birthday party for dd3 (like she does every summer). I know that she is going to invite older cousin, his wife, and their daughter.

 

I need the hive to tell me how to handle this situation:

• My mom knows about the molestation, but doesn't want to cause a fuss by not inviting older cousin (to the birthday party or the 4th of July celebration) because she does not want my grandmother to find out this happened. My grandmother is 80 and in the early stages of alzheimers.
  
• I'm not sure if older cousin's wife knows that he molested me and my younger boy cousin. I don't mind if the wife and daughter come to the party, but I know that older cousin will show up too.
  
• I'm almost certain that older cousin has never dealt with what he did to me and younger cousin or with his own molestation (he had to have been molested himself because he began molesting me when he was only 6/7). He does not know that the whole family knows already, but just hasn't said anything.
  

The fall out from this could be huge (family rifts, possible divorce of older cousin from his wife, grandmother's health, older cousin might do something drastic to himself (?). I need the hive to tell me the best possible way to deal with this situation.

 

I feel like a lot of this is my fault for not telling what was going on way back when the molestation first started (it would have spared my younger cousin and not put our family in the situation it is in now). However, that is water under the bridge and I just need some kind of scenario of how best to deal with the current situation. I know that some kind of confrontation will have to occur (which I hate!!!), but I'm not sure who should be involved and what should be said.

 

Hoping the hive can come through for me with some helpful suggestions. TIA

[AuntieM]

I don't know how to say this gently, so I'll keep it short.

 

I am absolutely shocked by your mother's response. Or lack thereof.

[C_l_e_0..Q_c]

:grouphug:

 

I have no experience with this, but my gut feeling is to make sure the wife knows. She has to protect her own kids.

[wapiti]

Is there a concern for the children of the molester?

[wapiti]

:grouphug:

 

I have no experience with this, but my gut feeling is to make sure the wife knows. She has to protect her own kids.

:iagree:

 

 

ETA: as far as the party goes, if you tell the wife, shouldn't it be a simple matter to uninvite the older cousin (but allow wife and kids to attend), so as not to attract grandma's attention?

Edited June 22, 2011 by wapiti

[Mama Geek]

I hate to say it but I would not have my kids there. Your mom can decide to throw a party with the cousin there and your family is elsewhere or she can throw your daughter a party and not invite him.

[nono]

I feel like a lot of this is my fault for not telling what was going on way back when the molestation first started

 

Whoa Nellie. Right there. That's not right thinking. YOU are not at fault here.

 

:grouphug:

 

I'll leave the rest to others more eloquent than I.

[kchara]

PMing you. :grouphug:

[Pretty in Pink]

I feel like a lot of this is my fault for not telling what was going on way back when the molestation first started (it would have spared my younger cousin and not put our family in the situation it is in now). However, that is water under the bridge and I just need some kind of scenario of how best to deal with the current situation. I know that some kind of confrontation will have to occur (which I hate!!!), but I'm not sure who should be involved and what should be said.

 

NONE of this is your fault. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I am so sorry that your mother is putting you in this position. I cannot imagine doing that to my child. I realize she is in a difficult position since her mother is elderly and ill but that doesn't make it okay to expect you to be in the same room with the man who molested you. It just doesn't.

[Mrs Mungo]

I don't know how to say this gently, so I'll keep it short.

 

I am absolutely shocked by your mother's response. Or lack thereof.

 

I totally agree. I'm sorry. I would feel so betrayed by my mom.

 

NONE of this is your fault.

 

I would not have my kids around older cousin *or* his children. I agree that his wife needs to know.

 

I'm terribly sorry that you're going through this. :grouphug:

[Geo]

Whoa Nellie. Right there. That's not right thinking. YOU are not at fault here.

 

:grouphug:

 

.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:...and thats a FACT! I have more to say but am walking out the door. Will elaborate when I get home later tonight.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:...infinitum.

[Aubrey]

I wish I didn't have so much experience w/ this, but your mom's response does not surprise me--LOTS of people respond this way. It's hard to know what to do, & it's easy to just keep doing what you've always done.

 

1. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Repeat.

 

2. You & your dc don't need to be around this cousin. For any reason. It can't be pleasant for you, & other people's comfort does not trump your own.

 

3. What to do about the summer visit. That's always the hard part. If your mother insists on inviting cousin (or already has), back out yourself. We've had to do this so many times, I can't count, & it feels low & causes (yourself) stress, but it's the less explosive way to deal w/ things for now.

 

4. Telling cousin's wife: I hate to say it, but I wouldn't. If your dh had a distant cousin he hadn't seen much of in years who suddenly told you he'd done horrible things, who would you believe? She will have to use her own intuition & judgement, imo.

 

5. :grouphug:

[delaney]

I don't know how to say this gently, so I'll keep it short.

 

I am absolutely shocked by your mother's response. Or lack thereof.

Thank you for that. I revealed an very similar situation to my mom about my older cousin and was admonished for not telling her sooner. Gee thanks for being there mom:glare:.

To the OP, I would have no issue telling the wife or the grandma. He is what he is. A predator.

[ColoNative]

I have not had to deal with your situation, but have had to deal with confrontation and setting some serious boundaries....I too hate to confront and deal with things. However, ask yourself what precedent do you want to set for future "gatherings" (if there are any) by allowing your mother to invite the cousin because she's afraid of "offending" someone. Furthermore, are you willing to put your children "at risk" by allowing them to be around the older cousin? I've learned to think in terms of the long-term consequences....

 

I won't tell you what to do because it's your family and the consequences lie on you, but when I had to set some firm rules of what we would allow around our children, my parents didn't see my children for quite some time. However, I'm so thankful I stood my ground and didn't succomb to the "guilt" placed on me. We have a very decent relationship now with my parents, and my children really enjoy being with them.

 

Hope you can come to a resolution and find a solution that works for you and your family!

[FeFe]

This is wrong on so many levels. Rather than giving my opinion on all of it I'll just say that I would respect your husband's decision to not allow you guys to be at the same place as this cousin. Tell your mom that you appreciate the offer to continue the tradition of throwing the party but you and your children won't be able to attend if she invites the cousin.

 

Please respect your husband's opinion. He's the only one thinking clearly right now. (((hugs)))

[kristinannie]

I was a victim of rape when I was in law school and I thank God that I never have to see that man again. I can't believe your secret was kept this long. Am I right in understanding that it is your DD's birthday party? I understand that no one wants to upset your grandmother, but this is ridiculous. My mom was also molested by a brother when she was young. I would never have invited him to my wedding or anything else going on in our family. I think you need to have a talk with your mom. There is no reason to allow this man to be at this party. Not only will it unnecessarily hurt you, but your young daughter should not be around him.

 

I also think you need some closure to this situation so that you can move and and forgive. Please know that this was NOT your fault. You have a right to feel badly that your mom would invite someone that hurt you to a party for your DD. Have you had any counseling in this area? I went to counseling a year after I was raped and it helped me immensely. Then I went through 10 long years of prayer before I was able to forgive and move on. My mom is 60 and still hasn't forgiven or moved on and it has had a negative effect on her life. I will pray for you. I wish I could give you a hug in real life. Please know that there are lots of people who have been through this and most people keep it a secret. There is nothing that YOU need to be ashamed of. Please let me know if I can help you in any way, even if it is just letting you know that I understand what you are going through. God bless you.

[MelanieM]

:grouphug: :grouphug: I agree that you shouldn't be beating yourself up over not telling when you were a child. Children make decisions based on their own childish reasoning. You couldn't have possibly known, and I think it is such a sad and heavy burden you had to bear thinking you were responsible for protecting your siblings and cousins. :grouphug:

 

Now, no way no how would I have my children anywhere around this man. I've read enough accounts of children who were molested at family functions in a house full of people to never, ever risk such a thing. I think you should put your foot down *heavily* with your mother and say either she doesn't invite him, or you don't go. Who gives a rat's patootie about what people might think. Blech.

 

I would also consider putting this out there for the whole family to see and acknowledge. Yes, I'm sure that would be tough and could result in a messy situation. But there is a potential that you have children in your family now that are at risk with this man, and their parents have no clue. While I don't think it was at all your responsibility as a child to have to protect everyone, I do think that, as an adult, you have some obligation to speak up. As much as you feel horrible now hearing about your little cousin who was also abused, how would you feel next year to hear that it's happening to a niece or nephew or cousin today? Sorry if this is hard to hear... I'm just not sure how to say such a thing in a way that could ever possibly be easy. :grouphug:

 

Wishing you much peace, love and support as you navigate through all of this.

[kristinannie]

Thank you for that. I revealed an very similar situation to my mom about my older cousin and was admonished for not telling her sooner. Gee thanks for being there mom:glare:.

To the OP, I would have no issue telling the wife or the grandma. He is what he is. A predator.

 

 

My mom's reaction to me telling her about my rape was, "How could you be stupid enough to let that happen to you." Of course, she was an abuse victim herself which explains a lot, but that severely damaged our relationship FOR YEARS. Don't listen to any stupid thing that someone says. HUGS!

[AvasMom]

I'm not very eloquent at things like this either but forget family gatherings and riffs...older cousin needs to be in JAIL not at birthday parties. I too am shocked (sort of) by your mother's reaction. Sort of because I have a mom like that too who would rather keep peace than do something about it.

[Julie Smith]

:grouphug: is all I'm going to say.

I know where you are coming from.

[NanceXToo]

I'm so sorry you went through that and that you are now in this awkward situation.

 

None of this is your fault.

 

It is not your responsibility to protect another adult- not your grandmother, not your cousin, not your cousin's wife.

 

I agree with your husband that it's better not to be around that guy at all and not to have your kids around him at all.

 

I would tell your mother she cannot invite the cousin and if she can't wrap her head around that she should skip throwing a party altogether and just have a private visit with your family.

 

Alternatively you can email or call said cousin and inform him that in light of your history, you and your husband have decided that you no longer want any contact with him and do not want your children around him and that if he is invited to your daughter's party by someone else, he is to make whatever excuse he wants and to decline the invitation and that if he shows up, you will leave immediately and when people ask why, you will tell them the truth. That ought to keep him away.

 

But then there's a part of me that feels like the wife ought to know for the children's sake...

[bettyandbob]

There is no way your mother should be inviting this cousin to an event where you or your dc will be present. I think if she insists you need to not go or if you are already there and cousin shows up you and dc need to leave. Your dh is right, you and dc should not be at an event with this person.

[mazakaal]

:grouphug:

 

I have no experience with this, but my gut feeling is to make sure the wife knows. She has to protect her own kids.

 

:iagree: This is what I thought of too. I'd try to keep grandma in the dark, but I would not go to any functions where he was present, and I'd expect my mom an other family members to back me up by not inviting him. And definitely make sure that the wife knows. Yes, it may mean upheaval in their family, but if the situation were reversed, wouldn't you want to know?

[Gailmegan]

I will reiterate - THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! You were a child. Look at your children and imagine someone older hurting them. Would you blame your children?

 

I also would not be anywhere that your older cousin will be. Who cares if it upsets grandma? That is not your problem. You need to protect yourself (emotionally) and your children. Is it your job to tell his wife? No. But if she finds out because of your refusal to be near her husband, then maybe it worked out for the good. You should not be taking on responsibility for how anyone else feels. Take care of yourself.

[Skadi]

I'm not sure how much useful advice I can give, but I empathize with you. I was molested for years by my older brother. I finally told my parents when I was in my early twenties. I did this on the advice of my therapist, who assured me that continuing to keep it a secret was harmful to my psyche. The results were disastrous. Sure, they seemed somewhat supportive when I told them (I thought they'd become more supportive after recovering from the shock). But my parents (divorced, mind you) each went around circulating the story to the whole family...my mom insisted that my first college boyfriend had told her that I was a virgin (he had done no such thing, I assure you) so it couldn't be true. My father, who had not had a working relationship with my brother for several years, decided to take this opportunity to get to know my brother again, and within six months began spending every other holiday with him and to this day, still finds every opportunity to bring him up in conversation with me even though I have told him on no uncertain terms that I do not want to speak of him at all. I have since found out that most of my extended family has branded me a vicious liar. This has come as a shock to me because, well, my brother is not a very good person even if you didn't know he was a pedophile, and to this day I don't know how to deal with my parents knowing that they cast me off every time my back is turned. You know, one of the threats my brother used when I was a child was that I couldn't tell anyone because my parents would never believe me. He must be laughing now, because it turns out that he was right all along.

 

I would say that it's possible your mother is covertly interested in protecting herself as much as your grandmother. I think a parent has a lot of reasons to turn a blind eye to what is right in front of them -- namely, she probably feels guilt for not protecting you as a child. It would probably be that much more hurtful for her to have everyone know that she didn't protect you (it may be an irrational feeling, but you can see how she might feel like a failure).

 

The other thing to consider is that pedophiles will always be pedophiles. The number of pedophiles who "recover" is something like 2%, and in your cousin's case, he has had no pressure to do so. It changes things in a worst case scenario here...the worst thing that could happen is not that he might divorce his wife or your family might hate you or anything like that. The worst thing that could happen is that he could molest a child (perhaps even your child) while he is at this event.

 

Perhaps you could try explaining that to your mother -- erase from her mind the delusion that he might have changed or that he he isn't a danger now. Tell her that as a parent, you cannot let a pedophile be exposed to young children. Suggest that she meet with him privately, just the two of them, to let him know that she knows what he did to her daughter and that for her daughter's mental health, and the health of the young children that will be present, she cannot allow him to attend. If he threatens to attend anyway, she should threaten to tell everyone exactly what happened, and his younger brother will add his voice to the truth. In all liklihood, the pedophile will not want to risk his good name in front of the entire family (even if he is able to convince them that he didn't do it, it will be a bad business) and he will grudgingly back off and make some excuse about why he won't be there.

 

This all depends on your mother, though. You should NOT be the one to confront him and tell him to not show up. And even if you did, if your mother is sabotaging you regardless, it won't matter. I know too well how easy it is for a parent to sympathize with a child when they are alone and it is just words with no risk -- for better or for worse, this event will show you whether your mother really is the person you think she is. I hope she does the right thing.

Edited June 22, 2011 by Skadi

[elegantlion]

I totally agree. I'm sorry. I would feel so betrayed by my mom.

 

NONE of this is your fault.

 

I would not have my kids around older cousin *or* his children. I agree that his wife needs to know.

 

I'm terribly sorry that you're going through this. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

 

This is not your fault, he did this to you. This is his issue to deal with, not yours to hide.

 

NO WAY in Hades would my children be around him. No way. Grandma can be offended.

 

His wife needs to know, I'm not sure you need to be the one telling her, but she needs to know.

 

Agree with your dh, my family would not be near him.at.all.

[C_l_e_0..Q_c]

Am I the only one here bothered by the fact the molester was also a child? I would agree with everything posted so far if the molester had been an uncle, an adult. But a child?

 

While this does not take anything away from the horrible situation, I'm left wondering how long an adult has to be responsible for mistakes made in childhood? Sure he's guilty, and if it were me, I wouldn't want to be in the same room. But there's a part of me that's bothered with the age of the molester. I'm not too sure what to think of it.

 

And I would do my best to avoid upsetting grandma at her age. There's nothing to be gained by telling her. Excuses can be found.

[amyx4]

I have a bit different perspective. Your situation is similiar to my mom's. The molestation that happened many years ago is now a quiet secret that some, but not all, know about in my large extened family.

I can only give you my point of view that keeping quiet, for the sake of family peace, produces other types of difficulties and stuggles.

[AvasMom]

Am I the only one here bothered by the fact the molester was also a child? I would agree with everything posted so far if the molester had been an uncle, an adult. But a child?

 

While this does not take anything away from the horrible situation, I'm left wondering how long an adult has to be responsible for mistakes made in childhood? Sure he's guilty, and if it were me, I wouldn't want to be in the same room. But there's a part of me that's bothered with the age of the molester. I'm not too sure what to think of it.

 

And I would do my best to avoid upsetting grandma at her age. There's nothing to be gained by telling her. Excuses can be found.

 

But if he never had therapy or anything to deal with the reasons why he did it then I would still be really really leery of him. Kids don't just molest other kids for no reason. Something is either wrong with him or happened to him and that needs to be dealt with or nothing is different.

[Mrs Mungo]

Am I the only one here bothered by the fact the molester was also a child? I would agree with everything posted so far if the molester had been an uncle, an adult. But a child?

 

Except it went on until they were in high school. I could sort of agree if it only happened when they were really little kids, but that's not the case here.

[simka2]

I cannot tell you what to do. I can only tell you what we have decided to do for our family in a similar situation. We do not visit dh's parents unless we set the safety parameters. We cannot trust them to stand with us or to make good discernment decisions, they would rather keep the false peace than deal with reality. We won't live that way.

 

Dh and I establish what we will accept as a family. Then we tell his parents the terms. They have a choice to accept or not accept.

 

In this case I would not go. Truthfully, I wouldn't have anything to do with my mother if she were willing to make these types of decisions. She may have been without excuse when she wasn't aware of the situation, but now there is no excuse!

 

:grouphug: I will tell you this. Things between dh and I became very good when we began to set our own boundaries. Yes, they became more difficult with his parents. I had to let a ton of "your disrespecting your parents" comments slide off my back.

[AvasMom]

I'm so sorry you went through that and that you are now in this awkward situation.

 

None of this is your fault.

 

It is not your responsibility to protect another adult- not your grandmother, not your cousin, not your cousin's wife.

 

I agree with your husband that it's better not to be around that guy at all and not to have your kids around him at all.

 

I would tell your mother she cannot invite the cousin and if she can't wrap her head around that she should skip throwing a party altogether and just have a private visit with your family.

 

Alternatively you can email or call said cousin and inform him that in light of your history, you and your husband have decided that you no longer want any contact with him and do not want your children around him and that if he is invited to your daughter's party by someone else, he is to make whatever excuse he wants and to decline the invitation and that if he shows up, you will leave immediately and when people ask why, you will tell them the truth. That ought to keep him away.

 

But then there's a part of me that feels like the wife ought to know for the children's sake...

 

:iagree: with all of this.

[NanceXToo]

Am I the only one here bothered by the fact the molester was also a child? I would agree with everything posted so far if the molester had been an uncle, an adult. But a child?

 

While this does not take anything away from the horrible situation, I'm left wondering how long an adult has to be responsible for mistakes made in childhood? Sure he's guilty, and if it were me, I wouldn't want to be in the same room. But there's a part of me that's bothered with the age of the molester. I'm not too sure what to think of it.

 

And I would do my best to avoid upsetting grandma at her age. There's nothing to be gained by telling her. Excuses can be found.

 

Except she said it went on until she was in high school, and he's a couple years older than her. This wasn't an isolated incident in early childhood. And she wasn't the only one he did it to.

[justamouse]

No advice, just :grouphug: for what must be a horrid situation.

[C_l_e_0..Q_c]

Except it went on until they were in high school. I could sort of agree if it only happened when they were really little kids, but that's not the case here.

 

I agree but once a pattern is there, it's hard to break it. Creating the pattern was the first mistake and he was so young.

 

I'm not excusing him, he is still guilty, he didn't do anything to take care of the problem as an adult, and I wouldn't trust him with my children, the OP is still in her right to want to avoid being in the same room. There's just this tiny voice inside of me that worries me. I can't quite get my head around it.

[SorrelZG]

:grouphug:

Edited June 22, 2011 by SCGS

[Liz CA]

This type of cover-up is very typical - as if you could take comfort in that. It is unfortunate that several people's image of this man will be shattered but it is better to know the truth than live a lie!

 

Poor Grandma - I can see your concern for her - can be told something, anything if nobody wants to tell her the truth and she is impaired by early Alzheimers, HOWEVER, your mother is in denial and shock that she did not protect you from this ordeal which is likely why she is pretending nothing bad happened and will invite cousin to family functions.

 

1. I would tell mother that for obvious reasons you will not attend any functions where he is present, neither will your children. Your dh forbade it anyway and it only makes sense!

 

2. You should see if you and your Mom can get into counseling, perhaps together, perhaps separately but I think she hurts so much over this that she incapable of dealing with it properly right now.

 

3. Of course, you let everyone else know so they can protect their dc!

[Guest]

1. This is in NO way your fault AT ALL.

 

2. Someone should tell the wife so she can make an informed decision for her child/her life.

[mom2scouts]

I would tell your mom that you and your family will leave if the cousin who molested you shows up. I can't believe she even thinks it's OK to invite him!

[Joanne]

I agree but once a pattern is there, it's hard to break it. Creating the pattern was the first mistake and he was so young.

 

I'm not excusing him, he is still guilty, he didn't do anything to take care of the problem as an adult, and I wouldn't trust him with my children, the OP is still in her right to want to avoid being in the same room. There's just this tiny voice inside of me that worries me. I can't quite get my head around it.

 

I had a similar thought. One post said the molester should be in jail. The problem is that he was a child when it began (and continued). He was not prosecuted as a teen.

 

We do not seem to have any information on his adult behavior.

 

That said, OP: you did nothing, nothing, nothing wrong. Kudos to your DH for standing up for what is right, what is good, what is not dysfunction. I would not be in the company of the molester, period. As far as the family fall out, you are in a position of having to choose from a choice set that stinks. You were *put* in this situaiton, you did not create it. Don't let anyone talk you into owning this. You've found your voice to keep safe, and that includes not having contact with this person.

 

I wish I could tell you it will be "okay". But it is not going to be comfortable or easy.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I agree but once a pattern is there, it's hard to break it. Creating the pattern was the first mistake and he was so young.

 

I'm not excusing him, he is still guilty, he didn't do anything to take care of the problem as an adult, and I wouldn't trust him with my children, the OP is still in her right to want to avoid being in the same room. There's just this tiny voice inside of me that worries me. I can't quite get my head around it.

 

There is a difference between kids who "play doctor" and are rather innocently exploring. At some point this child crossed the line from experimenting or acting out his own sad experience to being a predator himself.

[AvasMom]

I agree but once a pattern is there, it's hard to break it. Creating the pattern was the first mistake and he was so young.

 

I'm not excusing him, he is still guilty, he didn't do anything to take care of the problem as an adult, and I wouldn't trust him with my children, the OP is still in her right to want to avoid being in the same room. There's just this tiny voice inside of me that worries me. I can't quite get my head around it.

 

I think that tiny voice is that you are a mama and instinct tells you that something happened to older cousin when he was little. Predator or not, he was once a little boy who wasn't protected as he should have been and the mama in you is reacting to that. JMHO. :)

[AvasMom]

I had a similar thought. One post said the molester should be in jail. The problem is that he was a child when it began (and continued). He was not prosecuted as a teen.

 

We do not seem to have any information on his adult behavior.

 

That said, OP: you did nothing, nothing, nothing wrong. Kudos to your DH for standing up for what is right, what is good, what is not dysfunction. I would not be in the company of the molester, period. As far as the family fall out, you are in a position of having to choose from a choice set that stinks. You were *put* in this situaiton, you did not create it. Don't let anyone talk you into owning this. You've found your voice to keep safe, and that includes not having contact with this person.

 

I wish I could tell you it will be "okay". But it is not going to be comfortable or easy.

 

Yeah, sorry, that poster was me voicing my first thought about this guy serially molesting family members. I probably should have filtered that.

[Mom-2-7]

I agree with everything thats been said so far. I'm appalled at the reaction of your mother.

 

My concern though, is for this man's children. He has a long history of being a predator. He didn't just grow out of it. I'm absolutely sure there have been others since you and your cousin. There is a very good chance that his own children are his victims. Please, expose this monster. He should not be around any children, ever.

[Heatherwith4]

:iagree: with Aubrey 100%. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

 

Re: telling your cousin's wife. While I certainly believe that she needs to know, you just aren't the one who should tell her.

Edited June 22, 2011 by heatherwith3
i didn't say who i agreed with. :)

[HeidiKC]

My concern though, is for this man's children. He has a long history of being a predator. He didn't just grow out of it. I'm absolutely sure there have been others since you and your cousin. There is a very good chance that his own children are his victims. Please, expose this monster. He should not be around any children, ever.

 

:iagree: His wife especially needs to know for the sake of their child.

[Meriwether]

 

 

I need the hive to tell me how to handle this situation:

 

• My mom knows about the molestation, but doesn't want to cause a fuss by not inviting older cousin (to the birthday party or the 4th of July celebration) because she does not want my grandmother to find out this happened. My grandmother is 80 and in the early stages of alzheimers.

• I'm not sure if older cousin's wife knows that he molested me and my younger boy cousin. I don't mind if the wife and daughter come to the party, but I know that older cousin will show up too.

• I'm almost certain that older cousin has never dealt with what he did to me and younger cousin or with his own molestation (he had to have been molested himself because he began molesting me when he was only 6/7). He does not know that the whole family knows already, but just hasn't said anything.

. TIA

 

If I was molested and my mom knew and didn't want to cut the family member that did it, I would no long have anything to do with her.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

1. It is not your fault.

 

2. It is not right to invite the cousin just to maintain "peace" in the family.

 

3. Cousin should be told that everyone knows and that if he doesn't tell his wife, the rest of the family will.

 

Your mother needs to get over her denial and respect you and your children. There is no reason to invite the older cousin. Grandma doesn't need to know why he's not coming.

[Harriet Vane]

Your mother's response is typical but still totally unacceptable. It is "normal" in family culture to cover up abuse and to behave "normally" to keep the peace rather than to behave proactively and protectively.

 

It is totally unacceptable for anyone to ever invite your molester to the same event that you will attend yourself. It is an unfair, sick expectation.

 

Protecting your senile grandmother is not reason enough to expect you to attend events with your molester. There are other ways to deflect her attention from his non-presence.

 

Yes, it will be unpleasant to come out of the closet. However, you KNOW that this man has hurt more than one child. Statistically it is very, very likely he will or has hurt others. Please, please find a way to make this known to his wife--perhaps a letter?

 

I'm sorry--truly sorry--I know it's so very, very hard.

 

:grouphug:

[Starr]

Can you change your vacation dates so it doesn't include any holidays? Or just stay home this year and have mom visit you. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: