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Ladies, I think my mom is dying... (cc, prob)...


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#1 Aubrey

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Posted 17 May 2008 - 08:10 PM

Ok, bear w/ me. I'm going to start out weird & get concrete, if that's ok.

A couple of yrs ago, a cousin's dad died, & sitting at the funeral, I had that weird dejavu feeling, thinking about my dad. The funeral was in the same town as dad, so afterward, I drove over & saw him. He was sick & grumpy--turned out to be pneumonia.

A mo or so later, an actor died, & I had this awful feeling. I'd always associated the guy w/ my dad but had never realized it. The actor was really young, & the death was unexpected. It was the weird dejavu feeling again.

My dad was in the hospital w/ his first heart attack before I saw him again. It was a big one, but his dad had a long hist of heart trouble, & lived 20+ yrs after his first one. So, it seemed sobering, but not a huge deal.

But then dad reacted to the meds he got in the ER, they couldn't wake him up, & things escalated. He spent a month in ICU, unconcious. But he came home. And when he did, he was fine. There were a lot of issues to keep an eye on, incl potential diabetes, etc. But everything was beginning stages, etc. He should have been ok--w/ proper diet, etc.--for a few yrs, at least.

And then he died. The night before his last b'day, I knew. I feel like God told me. We saw him for his b'day the next day, & he died, unexpectedly, about a week later. Again, the night he died, we'd stayed up late watching a movie, I headed up the stairs to bed, & about halfway up, something heavy came on me, so heavy I nearly threw up. I went running back down the stairs, in tears, telling dh something was wrong w/ my dad. We got the phone call the next morning. He was 49.

Since dad died, I've had the same weird feeling about my mom. I tend to discount these because I'm just that way. Paranoid, you know? But even mom breathed a sigh of relief a couple of weeks after she turned 49. She'd outlived him.

Now dad ate like a crazy person; mom's close to vegetarian. She eats Kosher, she exercises, etc. She's always been healthy, & she looks 10-20 years younger than she is.

But a couple of mos ago, she got a headache that was so bad & lasted so long, she went to the dr., who sent her to a specialist. She was tested for sleep apnea, & the results were CLEAR very quickly. Apparently there are 3 kinds--she's got the one that's neurologically based & is incurable & requires an oxygen machine to keep you alive at night.

But sleep apnea's not *that* big a deal, right? So she goes for some follow-up stuff, & gets diagnosed w/ some kind of blood pressure problem. They've checked her in the past couple of yrs for blood pressure that seems to be creeping up, but she told the dr at this visit that it seems to be acting weird. It can be high & 5min later low--REALLY low. So they checked for a rare form of blood pressure problem that acts like this.

Yep, she's got it. The dr was amazed. She said that this form of BP is silent, & she would have been dead in a yr if they hadn't found it. So mom gets put on meds, & they think that's the source of her headache.

Then she gets hit in a car accident. The officer who responded went over all the details & said that mom should have been killed. It was a miracle, & as it is, the way she responded, her fender needs replacing, nothing more.

After a couple of weeks on the BP meds, she's sicker. The dr says she's having a reaction to them. Her headache is so bad, she's missed something like 8 days of work in 2 weeks--& mom's the type who *never* misses.

Yesterday she got the results back from another round of blood tests, & she's got...I think she said kidney disease. Kidney something. Kidney something incurable. This is the 4th specialist she's seen. (I was suspicious at first that all of this was coming from one dr.)

Mom's the type who refuses to worry about anything, ever. It's annoying. When she called me, she was scared. *She* thinks she's dying. I didn't tell her that I've been expecting something like this for two years.

She had a friend w/ a similar situation when I was in college. Nothing was wrong, then she had some itchy skin, & w/in a yr or so, the friend was dead from cancer. Mom mentioned the friend when she called me.

So she wants me to pray for her, & I am, of course, but...I can't help wondering what the plan is here, kwim? I feel like...I know this is nuts, but...like all of this is happening to warn, prepare, something...her & us for what's coming. I think she's dying.

I realize that logically none of what I've told you leads to that conclusion, necessarily. And I'm not...well... we've got a good relationship, & she's had a tough life, & it doesn't look like things are about to get easier for her. She's faced a lot of disappointment that she expected to be (to some extent) rectified in middle age. She's made some choices that have made those things (a college degree, for ex.) unlikely to be attained.

I guess what I'm saying is...I could understand. She's only 50, but...I don't want to pray selfishly. Does that even make sense? I'm sure I'm sounding overboard, but <sigh> I just don't know.

#2 Pam "SFSOM" in TN

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Posted 17 May 2008 - 08:19 PM


I realize that logically none of what I've told you leads to that conclusion, necessarily. And I'm not...well... we've got a good relationship, & she's had a tough life, & it doesn't look like things are about to get easier for her. She's faced a lot of disappointment that she expected to be (to some extent) rectified in middle age. She's made some choices that have made those things (a college degree, for ex.) unlikely to be attained.

I guess what I'm saying is...I could understand. She's only 50, but...I don't want to pray selfishly. Does that even make sense? I'm sure I'm sounding overboard, but <sigh> I just don't know.


It does make sense. And I'm very sorry. {{{Aubrey}}}

#3 Aubrey

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Posted 17 May 2008 - 08:36 PM

It does make sense. And I'm very sorry. {{{Aubrey}}}


Pam, I thought you'd be the first to try to talk me out of how irrational I sound. I thought the same thing about my dh, though, when I told him my thoughts on my dad. I was sure I was crazy that time.

Not that it matters. Both times, I've taken the *thought*--crazy or not--as a chance to...assess the relationship. To see if there will be any regrets if the person does pass.

That's when I was really able to forgive my dad, when I realized I didn't want him punished or anything. That I didn't want him to have to pay any kind of debt or feel what I'd felt or anything. It was really...freeing?... to be able to realize that *before* he died, kwim?

And things are fine between my mom & me. The thing w/ dad really helped me to not hold things against people, to realize how short life can be & how much we can regret even w/ people who seem to be unlovable. If that makes sense. And kind-of because of that relationship, I've worked since then to have no regrets w/ my mom, although our relationship has generally been pretty close.

So then you can move down the list to things like, I should really go see her. Or send her a card. Or something. Just because...because that's what life is made up of, in the end, whenever that is.

But I've found that loss like this is a little more bearable when there are fewer regrets. My gr-grandfather passed away last yr. He was my *dearest* relative--walked me down the aisle when dh & I married--and although I'll miss him, there's no loss. Only the complete awe & gratitude that I got to know him as well & as long as I did. How rare, you know. And he knew how much I loved him. And I know he needed to go. He was old, tired, hurting, & had just lost my grmother.

I have a little of the same feeling about mom. She's been searching for meaning for so long, & it seems like she finds just a little nugget every time the nugget is pulled out of reach. It's mostly her own doing, & even that is from years of abuse, but...she's pretty alone. In a way that I can't fill for her, you know.

Anyway, sorry for rambling. Thanks for listening.

#4 Brigitte

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Posted 17 May 2008 - 08:52 PM

Aubrey, no advice or wisdom, just hugs and wishes for peace for you and your mom.

#5 Pam "SFSOM" in TN

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Posted 17 May 2008 - 08:53 PM

Pam, I thought you'd be the first to try to talk me out of how irrational I sound. I thought the same thing about my dh, though, when I told him my thoughts on my dad. I was sure I was crazy that time.

Not that it matters. Both times, I've taken the *thought*--crazy or not--as a chance to...assess the relationship. To see if there will be any regrets if the person does pass.


I don't think you're crazy. Some people just "know" stuff. And I'm glad you are getting the chance to prepare.


I have a little of the same feeling about mom. She's been searching for meaning for so long, & it seems like she finds just a little nugget every time the nugget is pulled out of reach. It's mostly her own doing, & even that is from years of abuse, but...she's pretty alone. In a way that I can't fill for her, you know.

Anyway, sorry for rambling. Thanks for listening.


Yeah. Some things you can't fix. I'm so sorry this has to be this way. When we're given such a relationship, we really want to believe/make a "fiction" about it. And knowing we really can't, well, it's just plumb HARD. We can't make it different, we can't make it better. All we can do is make peace with it and do our best to love the person and meet what needs fall to us to meet as, in this case, their child.

More hugs. For the both of you, really.

#6 Mrs Mungo

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Posted 17 May 2008 - 08:54 PM

I'm sorry, Aubrey.

I will say that I don't think praying for your mom is selfish. God asks us to pray to him for all our needs. "Give us this day, our daily bread" and so forth.

Holding the thought for you and your mom.

#7 Pam "SFSOM" in TN

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Posted 17 May 2008 - 09:00 PM


So she wants me to pray for her, & I am, of course, but...I can't help wondering what the plan is here, kwim? I feel like...I know this is nuts, but...like all of this is happening to warn, prepare, something...her & us for what's coming. I think she's dying.

I realize that logically none of what I've told you leads to that conclusion, necessarily. And I'm not...well... we've got a good relationship, & she's had a tough life, & it doesn't look like things are about to get easier for her. She's faced a lot of disappointment that she expected to be (to some extent) rectified in middle age. She's made some choices that have made those things (a college degree, for ex.) unlikely to be attained.

I guess what I'm saying is...I could understand. She's only 50, but...I don't want to pray selfishly. Does that even make sense? I'm sure I'm sounding overboard, but <sigh> I just don't know.



As for the praying... from a Christian perspective, Romans 8: 26-28 might be what you're looking for.

Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

#8 *anj*

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Posted 17 May 2008 - 09:06 PM

Oh Aubrey,
I don't think you're being irrational or crazy or anything. I agree with Pam that some people just really have a sense for certain things. Who knows why? Whether your mom has another week or another 10 years, just make it your mission to enjoy her, to be there for/with her, and to prepare yourself so that you won't have anything what ifs whenever she does go. Not to be all cliche-like, but live every day with her as if it were the last. None of us really ever knows, do we?

I'm sorry you are facing this. You must be a lot younger than I realized, because your mom isn't that much older than I am. :grouphug:

#9 Aubrey

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Posted 17 May 2008 - 09:11 PM

I'm sorry, Aubrey.

I will say that I don't think praying for your mom is selfish. God asks us to pray to him for all our needs. "Give us this day, our daily bread" and so forth.

Holding the thought for you and your mom.


Oh, that's not what I meant. Of course I'm praying for her. It's just the...how. You know? I mean, I'm asking him to heal her, but...at the same time not feeling the "click" that it's his will. Does that make sense? Not to say that I *know*...just...that I'm...kind-of open to praying as I feel led instead of in the obvious way. Sheesh. Y'all are amazing to understand any of what I'm trying to say!

#10 Mrs Mungo

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Posted 17 May 2008 - 09:12 PM

Oh, that's not what I meant. Of course I'm praying for her. It's just the...how. You know? I mean, I'm asking him to heal her, but...at the same time not feeling the "click" that it's his will. Does that make sense? Not to say that I *know*...just...that I'm...kind-of open to praying as I feel led instead of in the obvious way. Sheesh. Y'all are amazing to understand any of what I'm trying to say!


Ah, yes, I understand what you're saying.

#11 Remudamom

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Posted 17 May 2008 - 09:17 PM

I heard a sermon not long ago about prayer. Basically it said, don't wimp out and pray for God's will, ask Him for what you want.

Of course, it was much more theologically sound than I can put it, but the point was to not be afraid to pray for what you want. We all know that God's will prevails (at least, I know it), but you can have no way of knowing what that is until it comes to pass, and until then, pray without ceasing.

#12 Jean in Newcastle

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Posted 17 May 2008 - 09:22 PM

It helps me to remember that God numbers all of our days. He will not take us (no matter who we are) one second too early - and He will not take us one second too late either. When my nephew was undergoing a heart transplant (at age 23) I prayed that if it was God's will for him to be with us longer, to grant that. If it was His will to take him home, then I prayed that He would make it a peaceful death. (My nephew is doing well with his new heart by the way.) If God has a plan for your mom (something to learn, someone's life to touch, or for someone to touch her life in some way) then He will fulfill that plan in her life. If His plan for her in this world is over then He will in His love and mercy and compassion remove her from this world. And He will comfort you.

#13 Audrey

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Posted 17 May 2008 - 11:18 PM

Aubrey, I just want to say I'm sorry what you're going through. It sounds to me like you have some strong intuitive senses. In my experience, it's always best to listen to that intuition, BUT you can't let it take over your rational self. Intuition, pre-cognition, whatever you want to call it -- it's there to prepare you, not to scare you. (cheesy rhyme unintentional)

(((((Aubrey)))))

#14 Karen sn

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Posted 18 May 2008 - 09:03 AM

Pam, I thought you'd be the first to try to talk me out of how irrational I sound. I thought the same thing about my dh, though, when I told him my thoughts on my dad. I was sure I was crazy that time.

Not that it matters. Both times, I've taken the *thought*--crazy or not--as a chance to...assess the relationship. To see if there will be any regrets if the person does pass.

That's when I was really able to forgive my dad, when I realized I didn't want him punished or anything. That I didn't want him to have to pay any kind of debt or feel what I'd felt or anything. It was really...freeing?... to be able to realize that *before* he died, kwim?

And things are fine between my mom & me. The thing w/ dad really helped me to not hold things against people, to realize how short life can be & how much we can regret even w/ people who seem to be unlovable. If that makes sense. And kind-of because of that relationship, I've worked since then to have no regrets w/ my mom, although our relationship has generally been pretty close.

So then you can move down the list to things like, I should really go see her. Or send her a card. Or something. Just because...because that's what life is made up of, in the end, whenever that is.

But I've found that loss like this is a little more bearable when there are fewer regrets. My gr-grandfather passed away last yr. He was my *dearest* relative--walked me down the aisle when dh & I married--and although I'll miss him, there's no loss. Only the complete awe & gratitude that I got to know him as well & as long as I did. How rare, you know. And he knew how much I loved him. And I know he needed to go. He was old, tired, hurting, & had just lost my grmother.

I have a little of the same feeling about mom. She's been searching for meaning for so long, & it seems like she finds just a little nugget every time the nugget is pulled out of reach. It's mostly her own doing, & even that is from years of abuse, but...she's pretty alone. In a way that I can't fill for her, you know.

Anyway, sorry for rambling. Thanks for listening.


Aubrey,
What you wrote here brought tears to my eyes. Literally.
I love grandparents and greats!

I think you are on to something. You trust your feelings.
No regrets.

You will be in my thoughts for a long time.
Because of your situation, I have sympathy.
Because of your words I have a little inspiration.
A little life lesson to remember as well.

#15 Kari C in SC

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Posted 18 May 2008 - 12:35 PM

I do know that I have experienced this very thing. My dad passed away 10 years ago yesterday. He had checked into the hospital for a very routine diabetic foot surgery. I knew it wasn't going to go right. I remember leaving his hospital room the day before he died and I just "knew". There were other things that clued me in, but more of anything it was just a feeling.

My sister-in-law was murdered 4 years ago. For weeks ahead of time, I kept waking up in the middle of the night with panic. It was just a typical day like any other day. I had taken the kids to the dentist and then ran to the new Super Target. I came home and wanted to tell Debi about the Super Target, but I made myself clean my tub and shower before I sat down to type an email. While I was cleaning my shower, I heard one of my pretty wall hanging plates fall off the wall and on the floor. I came out to see what had happened. As I stood in the doorway, I felt the most horrible angry feeling inside of me. I yelled at ds for breaking my plate. I yelled so loud and so mean and it was just not me. He told me it just flew off the wall. He started crying because I was so angry and it scared him. I went in my bedroom and sat down on the floor and cried as if I had lost my best friend. I sobbed. DS called my mom because he was so upset and wanted to see if she knew how to replace the plate. He didn't understand and thought if he could find me a new plate, I would be fine. I talked to my mom and I cried. She kept asking me why I was so upset and I told her I just didn't know why, but I felt so, so sad. I finally got myself together and finished up this housewarming gift for my neighbor. Debi had given me the idea. I took it across the street to her and talked for awhile. I remember feeling odd the whole time. Then I saw dh pull into the driveway. I went over to see him. The first thing I told him was that it had been a bad day and I started crying again. I tried to shrug it off and we got on with the rest of the evening. It wasn't till later that the phone call came and I knew. Later I would find out that at the same time my plate came off the wall and I sat and cried - Debi had been killed by her adopted teenage son. All of a sudden I knew why I felt so sad and so lost.

My ds hit a deer a couple weeks ago. I tried to go to sleep that night and I kept thinking about him driving home so late. My heart was racing and I was tossing and turning. Then the phone rang and he told me he hit the deer and wrecked his car.

Intuition is something that is very real. I hope and pray for you that it is not what you think. I think praying for your mom is a great idea. I will keep you both in my prayers.


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