Teens talking back... best advice or sympathy needed!

[BMW]

I know that on any given week here we have questions... lots of WWYD... from exasperated (to varying degrees) moms dealing with teen attitude...

 

I am hoping that I can get several of you to respond and share a favorite tip... (outside of duck tape...)(that's a joke)... for handling this.

 

So far, I keep telling myself to not respond... to ignore mouthiness... to not get drawn into the moment (son likes to mumble and complain to get me arguing).

 

So, when I make a statement like, "You need to turn off the video game and make your bed and come out to start the day," I try to walk away right away and humm or get something else into my mind right away because I KNOW he is going to put up a fight. "Why can't I play my video game? There's nothing to do all day anyway!" etc. But, my heart starts racing and I am agitated.

 

I am the kind of parent who believes that I don't have to answer to my kids... I don't owe them explanations over and over throughout the day...

 

That said, if the teen has a good attitude, I DO offer lots of explanations. "Hey, this is what the day is looking like..."

 

I am working with a 14yr old boy and a 12 year old boy. I have a lot planned for the summer.... projects around the house and yard and volunteer opportunities for them once a week. The older one works for a neighbor and on boats at the docks at least once a week. I am not asking for them to sit around the house and crochet with me... lol

 

My bottom line in all this is... when he gets my heart racing with his attitude and confrontational attitudes and mouthing off, I want to have a "matter of fact" consequence that is significant enough for him to WANT to stop behaving that way... I just don't know what consequences...

 

Please share what you have been doing to work through these types of situations... (if I am not the only one!)

[Journey]

"I am the kind of parent who believes that I don't have to answer to my kids... I don't owe them explanations over and over throughout the day..."

 

Okay, this phrase really bothers me. Let me preface by saying I don't have boys butI do have 2 girls 23 and 16 and I'm a single parent..for what that's worth.

 

I believe that in order to receive respect, you have to give it. That's NOT to say that you need to kiss your kid's butt and let him/her walk all over you. But it is to say that they are human beings and they deserve respect. Maybe your son is very well aware of your "I don't have to answer to my kids" attitude and he figures...why bother? I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say because my girls, praise the Lord, very rarely talk back to me and the one who currently lives with me is actually very "obedient' but when she does cop an attitude, I call her on it immediately and tell her that it is NOT acceptable in my house. But I don't do it with an "I don't owe you an explanation" attitude. I talk to her like she's a young adult, which she is and she honors that. Respect goes both ways. Try giving your son some respect and you get some in return. Yes, you are his mother but you aren't his warden....well, maybe you are and maybe that's why you're getting the response you're getting from him.

[Plucky]

Set either a time during the day he can play or limit his video game time. A natural consequence to being disrespectful about video games is to simply take it away. We don't have tvs and video games in kid rooms here.

[LibraryLover]

If it's just about the video games, I'd set up some sort of schedule for that. We have the Xbox in a main area, and there are no computers in the bedrooms. Maybe have him start his day, do his chores, etc and then he can play video games.

[TheApprentice]

This is a learning process, so take it for what it's worth. I have a 13 ds and he can bring the attitude within a nano second. BUT, if I get his suggestion or opinion on things, then stuff seems to always run more smoothly. So with your example, instead of " You need to turn of the video game, make up the bed..." I would remind him what you all start time was. Or if it's flexible, I may offer I want to get started at 9am, if he wants to get started a little later, and he suggests 9:30am, I'm o.k. with that. I'm not trying to "win" every argument, but give my budding young man responsibility and a voice. I'm trying to be less authoritarian and more authoritative. This is my first journey through teenagedom and by the 3rd ds I should have this down pat.;)

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

At that age, (12 and 14, I think???) do they have input on their summer schedules, or did you arrange it all for them?

 

What really worked for my son was having a "meeting" once a week or so to discuss the following week's agenda. That way he knew what time he needed to get up on which days to get done what needed to get done. If we didn't have anything planned, he could do pretty much what he wanted (you know, within reason). It really seemed to help when it was time to wake him up, or get him off his video game. I'd say something like "Let's get moving, don't forget we've got so-and-so in a couple of hours. I want you showered, dressed, and done with breakfast in 30 mins so you can help me load up the car . . . " all with a great big sunshine smile on my face and a song in my voice. The delivery really makes all the difference.

 

I guess my son wasn't mouthy enough, because I never saw it as a problem to explain myself. It seemed to help develop mutual respect since I do expect him to respond to me when I speak to him. Of course, I only have one child, so it may not work as clearly and concisely as I know you have more than that.

[Mrs Mungo]

I have a 15 year old girl and my middle dd will be 13 next month. I know how you feel. I don't explain myself over and over, I don't play that game.

 

However, here are some things we do.

 

1. We have rules about electronics. No electronics until homework is done. Then, you can play for x amount of time. When that time is up, then it is time for chores, playing outside, time to read, practice your instrument, etc. *Maybe* you can have a little more time after that, it's up for discussion.

 

2. Whining gets you nowhere. Ever.

 

3. I keep a family calendar so that they can see what we have going on. If eldest wants to hang out at the coffee shop or library with some other girls, we have to figure the calendar out. She understands that I won't say no arbitrarily, but I *do* have lots of things to do.

[BMW]

Thanks for the replies. I have had a lot of time away from my computer and a lot of these replies came a bit later than my op, so I didn't catch them.

 

Journey... I think you misunderstand me and I know that you don't know me. I adore my kids and if their attitude is right, I will explain away. But, no, I don't feel that as a parent every time I say something I should have to stop and answer a lot of questions or justify or take on their arguments. A few of my kids would highjack my day if that were the case... There is a lot of love and I don't disrespect my kids. I am a no-apologies "no nonsense" mom.

 

As it turned out, we did had a meeting each spoke about our expectations for summer. The older son really expected to play on xbox until late hours and sleep in until 10am or longer because it's "summer". He must have picked that up from some other kids, because we've never had a summer like that!!

 

We have a lot to do this summer and it involves their participation and I know from experience that if I don't get them up each day, mornings when they have to get up and get to school in the fall will be torturous!

 

I told them what wasn't negotiable (heading to their rooms after 9pm) and what was (playing quietly or reading until 10 or so)... and let them know that when dad travels (a LOT) that they could stay up later with me (I don't get sleepy until after 10 myself). I let them talk about things.

 

Mouthiness... a bit of it I ignore because it's part of the age and part of them wanting more say and control over their lives... normal. Last night we sat around talking about the other day when son kept arguing... He was heading out to work (very physical labor) with a friend on a boat that is out of water at the dry dock. He had a small breakfast and would be gone for 7 hours before I would be there with food. He did not want to eat before he left. Of course a natural consequence would be hunger. But our friend is counting on a boy's good work... so, he really needed to eat out of respect for having a job and someone depending on him. Dh backed me up and told him he really should stop and listen and not argue. I just don't think it's horrible of us to expect our teens to do what they are told... we aren't treating them like 2-3 year olds... they have fairly normal teen lives... with age appropriate activities and responsibilities.

 

Anyway... it's going much better. We enjoy hugs and pats on the back and my boys really appreciate me and what I do for them and with them. But, they also know I am not an "easy" mom in some ways...

[KrissiK]

I know that on any given week here we have questions... lots of WWYD... from exasperated (to varying degrees) moms dealing with teen attitude...

 

I am hoping that I can get several of you to respond and share a favorite tip... (outside of duck tape...)(that's a joke)... for handling this.

 

So far, I keep telling myself to not respond... to ignore mouthiness... to not get drawn into the moment (son likes to mumble and complain to get me arguing).

 

So, when I make a statement like, "You need to turn off the video game and make your bed and come out to start the day," I try to walk away right away and humm or get something else into my mind right away because I KNOW he is going to put up a fight. "Why can't I play my video game? There's nothing to do all day anyway!" etc. But, my heart starts racing and I am agitated.

 

I am the kind of parent who believes that I don't have to answer to my kids... I don't owe them explanations over and over throughout the day...

 

That said, if the teen has a good attitude, I DO offer lots of explanations. "Hey, this is what the day is looking like..."

 

I am working with a 14yr old boy and a 12 year old boy. I have a lot planned for the summer.... projects around the house and yard and volunteer opportunities for them once a week. The older one works for a neighbor and on boats at the docks at least once a week. I am not asking for them to sit around the house and crochet with me... lol

 

My bottom line in all this is... when he gets my heart racing with his attitude and confrontational attitudes and mouthing off, I want to have a "matter of fact" consequence that is significant enough for him to WANT to stop behaving that way... I just don't know what consequences...

 

Please share what you have been doing to work through these types of situations... (if I am not the only one!)

 

I understand where you're coming from and my mouthy kid is only 8. When you mentioned that you don't feel you owe your child an explanation.... I agree with you, because they don't want an explanation, they want to argue. My children are not really curious or don't know why I'm asking them to do something. And I know this because when I do try to explain, they interrupt me and argue. They are challenging me and letting me know they just want to keep doing what they are doing. I totally understand your reactions because I do the same thing. I ask my son in a pleasant tone to do a small thing for me (put the vacuum cleaner away, help me take in the groceries, take a few dishes off the table) and he comes unglued. Then I come unglued because this happens time and time again through out the day and by the end of the day I am worn out from the battle. You have my sympathies.

[Sunshine State Sue]

I love the book: Get Out of My Life, but first can you take me and Cheryl to the mall? by Anthony Wolf

 

I always have a reason for what I ask of ds. I found that if I explain myself before he does what I ask, it only leads to arguments. Someone clued me in to explain myself AFTER he has complied. It helps.

 

FWIW, dh prefers to engage in argument/negotiation.

[Liz CA]

We are just past the teen years and this is what has worked here:

 

1. I explained my reasons once very clearly. I allowed (polite and respectful) suggestions and input and am willing to change the plan if ds has indeed

a better idea. It happened and I was glad to say so. I think it made him feel heard and validated.

 

2. Once everything was explained, I follow up with asking him: "any questions?" Mumbling, bad attitude, etc were ignored. If backtalk was audible and in my face, I said:

"You will please go to your room and remain there until you can talk to me in a more polite and mature manner." During this "room" time, he could not play games or play with toys. It was meant to get him to reflect on his behavior. If he could not find this polite and mature manner, he may be there for a while. If something needs to be done, work, deadline met, I put it this way: "If you sit around and watch the curtains fade and don't get the work done, you will not be able to a) attend youth group because you cannot leave here until you are done (he hated this), b) play any video games or watch TV (also a motivator).

 

When he was younger, perhaps up to 16 or so, I would confiscate the gameboy and hand it over once work was completed. If there was too much bad attitude the gameboy stayed a little longer with Mom. I know gameboy is likely outdated and you cannot walk off with the X-Box but perhaps you can remove an important cable? :D

 

It is hard to suggest a consequence for your child because we don't know what he likes. A consequence usually withholds or temporarily removes a privilege that the kid cares enough about to work to restore this privilege.

 

There should be no heart racing and agony on your part! Calmly explain the consequences ahead of time while the child still has the choices open so he/she can choose the right path. If they willingly choose the wrong path, the consequences fall neatly into place. You don't have to say much because you explained before it all happened what the consequence will be: If you choose "A", "B" will follow.

When "B" happens, I sometimes said:"I am sorry you chose what you did and now "B" happened. I know it must be a bummer."

I think it's called empathizing but not retreating or giving in.

 

I did not dream all this up myself. I learned most of this from the book "Boundaries with Kids" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. :001_smile:

[74Heaven]

Having children aged 8, 11, 14, 16, 18, I really relate to the "no nonsense" mom comment of the OP. I don't have the time or energy to explain simple instructions or debate them.

 

"Time to get up, get dressed and come and eat" does not need an explanation. This is how our family starts the day, so any comments from my children to a routine instruction like this are "only" designed to engage me in an argument or delay leaving their warm bed (or exciting novel). Especially for the oldest 3 children, I have benefited greatly from the "Love & Logic" books; which espouse nonjudgmental empathetic statements from the parents, such as, "Hmmm. I know what you mean."

 

I have also found when my very argumentative 16yod says something mean or just inappropriate like "You always let the other kids do anything they want, but never me!" I say nothing, especially if we are one-on-one, I just let it hang there in silence. It is very effective. The foolishness of the statement is so obvious.

 

Lisa j

[Susan in TX]

 

My bottom line in all this is... when he gets my heart racing with his attitude and confrontational attitudes and mouthing off, I want to have a "matter of fact" consequence that is significant enough for him to WANT to stop behaving that way... I just don't know what consequences...

 

Please share what you have been doing to work through these types of situations... (if I am not the only one!)

 

Being grounded from all electronics: TV, video games, and internet worked wonders for my son.

 

Susan in TX

[Trish]

Even though your kids are older, my tendency would be to give them a heads up. Like, "video games done in 20 minutes..." etc.

 

"I" don't like having to drop what I'm doing immediately, why would your teen? Give him a chance to wind things down.

 

If 20 minutes later you still get attitude, then the games maybe need to go away until the attitude does.

 

Re: 7 hours of labor, I'd pack a lunch rather than force a big breakfast.

 

All mouthiness here is rephrased until it comes out "at least neutrally toned" if not downright pleasant.

[Joanne]

I know that on any given week here we have questions... lots of WWYD... from exasperated (to varying degrees) moms dealing with teen attitude...

 

I am hoping that I can get several of you to respond and share a favorite tip... (outside of duck tape...)(that's a joke)... for handling this.

 

So far, I keep telling myself to not respond... to ignore mouthiness... to not get drawn into the moment (son likes to mumble and complain to get me arguing).

 

So, when I make a statement like, "You need to turn off the video game and make your bed and come out to start the day," I try to walk away right away and humm or get something else into my mind right away because I KNOW he is going to put up a fight. "Why can't I play my video game? There's nothing to do all day anyway!" etc. But, my heart starts racing and I am agitated.

 

I am the kind of parent who believes that I don't have to answer to my kids... I don't owe them explanations over and over throughout the day...

 

That said, if the teen has a good attitude, I DO offer lots of explanations. "Hey, this is what the day is looking like..."

 

I am working with a 14yr old boy and a 12 year old boy. I have a lot planned for the summer.... projects around the house and yard and volunteer opportunities for them once a week. The older one works for a neighbor and on boats at the docks at least once a week. I am not asking for them to sit around the house and crochet with me... lol

 

My bottom line in all this is... when he gets my heart racing with his attitude and confrontational attitudes and mouthing off, I want to have a "matter of fact" consequence that is significant enough for him to WANT to stop behaving that way... I just don't know what consequences...

 

Please share what you have been doing to work through these types of situations... (if I am not the only one!)

 

I'm actually a firm, quick, no nonsense mom. I don't offer a lot of words around my orders.

 

What I would do, in this case, is give a lecture (not discussion). "Teen kid, I don't value or respect starting the day on video games and having a summer lacking structure. I have plans and a focus for our family. Now, when I tell you to get off the video game, your choices are to comply without backtalk or lose the video game privilege. It's up to you."

[Sunshine State Sue]

I did not dream all this up myself. I learned most of this from the book "Boundaries with Kids" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. :001_smile:

Another favorite book of mine.

[HS Mom in NC]

General house rules around here are:

 

1. Work first then play.

 

When the kid is done with daily chores, school, responsibilities, then the kid can use electronics for the established length of time. Break the rules (about when to use it or how to use it) or give me crap about the rule and the electronics are gone for a set period of time. Keep giving me crap about it and the amount of time gets longer with each infraction. If it's chronic I'm willing to get rid of the electronics entirely for a large section of time.

 

2. Ask in a civil tone.

 

If I give my kids work to do and they constantly question me or question me in a sassy or snotty way, then there are consequences. I'll give them additional chores, revoke privileges, etc. If they occasionally ask me in a civil tone, then I'm fine with answering them.

 

My girls are 15,13, and 5. We've had to let some consequences come down on them lately. My oldest is grounded from her computer for several months because she had broken the rules several times related to content and time. First she was grounded for a week. Then it was a month. Now it's several months. She can earn it back with a changed attitude and keep it by following the rules.

 

Some people are generally surly when they are idle or frittering away time with things like electronic games and social networking online. My oldest, youngest, and husband are. Some people are more prone to maybe not addictive behaviors related to electronics, but something milder and similar. That also makes them surly. They need a day with some productive tasks and structure before they can entertain themselves with things like electronics and social networking.