Do you like surprises? How do you weigh one person loving them w the other not?

[Tap]

Dh likes to surpise me....I have let him know numerous times, that I don't like surprises. The problem is that dh is not consistent with remembering holidays...even big ones like Christmas. I may get a $1000 gift or maybe nothing. He forgets my gift as often as he remembers.

 

I promise I am not husband bashing, I don't like surprises by anyone, I especially dislike surprise parties. I am just explaining why it is on my mind today.

 

Today, dh was so very thoughtful and got me a compost bin for a Mother's Day present from the kids. It goes with the garden we just put in and was a thoughtful gift.

 

It was tainted by the idea that he acted like he forgot Mother's Day all together, never said a word, and went out of town by himself for the weekend. He went to take care of some business and see a friends new born baby (dh is a baby-lover). He hadn't mentioned Mother's Day at all and said he would come home Sunday night, so I honestly thought he forgot. I know he really needed a weekend away so I didn't say anything.

 

Today, the kids gave me my present (he really is going to be gone until tonight). Which was so very sweet, but since I thought he forgot MD for the past week, has been heralded with a week of disappointment.

 

I don't dare mention it to him right now , because he is very stressed at work(he is losing his job) and the idea that he disappointed me, would crush him. I am sure he looked forward to giving me the present all week. (He even hid it at the neighbors house so I wouldn't find it early).

 

Do you like these types of surprises? There have been many, many times in our marriage that he has planned surprises and I have told him my feelings about them. But he loves them so much, that he keeps planning them.

 

 

 

 

For those who hate surprises, but have a family who loves to plan them....what do you do? Just suck it up and pretend to be happy?

 

 

For those who like surprises....why do you like surprises? Does the final joy make all the bad feelings of being forgotten go away for you?

 

 

 

 

ETA: This is my response to a poster below, maybe it will clear something up....I do enjoy what he (or anyone else) gives me. It isn't about the gift. AT.ALL.

 

 

It is the bait and switch. It is the "I forgot.....no I didn't.....yep, this time I really did forget......nope, just kidding I didn't forget, I just didn't do anything. " It is the emotional roller coaster of living with someone who loves surprises, and being the one who doesn't. HMMMMMM, he loves roller coasters....and I don't.....maybe it isn't about surprises, it is about roller coasters....LOLOL

Edited May 9, 2011 by Tap, tap, tap

[texasmama]

:grouphug: I hate surprises. My dh planned a 40th bday party for me as a surprise. I hated it. It was very thoughful, and he was so proud of his efforts, but he forgot to invite a few key people (including my sister in law) until the last minute so they couldn't come. He plans what he would like but forgets what I would like. I don't know why I dislike surprises so much, but I do...and that's not likely to change. That was a few years ago, but I do think I eventually told him "no more surprises". Now, he also flew in my best friend and set up massages for both of us as a fun surprise treat, and I was fine with that. But I really hated the party. I hope he never does that ever again!:tongue_smilie:

[Liz CA]

In this particular instance, I would suck it up and tell him how you have been wishing for one of those compost bins...

I found out that little stresses a man more than the prospect of losing his livelihood (work) and he probably needs your approbation in every way possible.

 

When this day is a distant memory, you could try reminding him again to scale down the surprises - but likely you will still have to expect them now and then. Men have such short memories - for some things at least. ;)

[Impish]

I'm too blunt. I would have said, "You do realize that Sunday's Mother's Day, right?" or something along those lines, rather than spending a week feeling let down.

[Anne]

I'm too blunt. I would have said, "You do realize that Sunday's Mother's Day, right?" or something along those lines, rather than spending a week feeling let down.

 

:iagree: I'm married to a man who forgets his twin brother's birthday.....Really!!

 

If I want something remembered, I mention it - usually several times and in detail! That's just how we roll around here..

 

Anne

[Plagefille]

To be blunt: Stop wining and learned to enjoy what he DOES for you. And if you want him to do something specific... tell him.

 

If you do not surprised LEARN to like it. Fake it for a while and eventually you WILL like it.

[Peela]

Yes, I would learn to tell him its Mothers Day or whatever, and ask him if he is planning anything. That way you are taking responsibility for diffusing the surprise(or disappointment) factor a little anyway, for yourself, without completely spoiling it for him.

You are lucky to have a man who remembers at all...really. Mine didn't.

I think often men need specific instructions- telling him you dont like surprises is too general....asking him if he is planning anything for Mother's Day, is more doable for most men- something they can work with.

[Halftime Hope]

To be blunt: Stop wining and learned to enjoy what he DOES for you. And if you want him to do something specific... tell him. She has told him.

 

If you do not surprised LEARN to like it. Fake it for a while and eventually you WILL like it. Maybe not. In spite of faking it, I still don't like bell pepper and many other things in my life.

 

I'm going to assume that you are not being judgemental of the OP, but your tone is pretty harsh. That would make it very hard for me to hear the good in your suggestions, were I the OP.

 

I hope she hears the valuable *read-between-your-lines* thought of extending some grace to him and being thankful for his expressions of love for her, even though it isn't within her comfort zone.

Really, it's back to the key thought of another thread, we'd all like to be known.

[Plagefille]

I'm going to assume that you are not being judgemental of the OP, but your tone is pretty harsh. That would make it very hard for me to hear the good in your suggestions, were I the OP.

 

I hope she hears the valuable *read-between-your-lines* thought of extending some grace to him and being thankful for his expressions of love for her, even though it isn't within her comfort zone.

Really, it's back to the key thought of another thread, we'd all like to be known.

 

Umm... as an adult you have to learn to get out of your comfort zone, particularly when it comes to a relationship with your dh.

 

I was being HONEST not judgemental. BUT there is quite a bit of complaining going on here lately and if everyone would just learn to count your blessing.. aka ... appreciate what you do have then life may go a little better.

 

Just think of all the AWEFUL things going on around the world and you may just feel a bit better about your own life and be willing to compromise a little more.

 

Also was NOT talking about telling him about surprises but about what specifically she wants to happen for certain things aka Mother's day events and presents.

[6packofun]

I agree (maybe more gently, LOL) and think you should keep lists (wish lists online, hand-written lists, tattoo dh's arm, whatever) around so that your dh can choose to surprise you with things you actually LIKE and/or WANT. Mention many times what you like and prefer. This is what I do and it works nicely. :D

[Tap]

I'm too blunt. I would have said, "You do realize that Sunday's Mother's Day, right?" or something along those lines, rather than spending a week feeling let down.

 

We had talked about it last weekend. Then one day during the week, I mentioned a conversation I had with my mother about her present. One thing he is really sensitive about right now is being corrected or reminded about things. He has a new boss who is VERY micro-managing and it is driving him Nutty. There was NO Way I was going to say anything about him possibly forgetting to do anything for me (ala the kids) LOL.

 

 

Originally he was supposed to meet his friend in the mountains to go over a some business details Sat, and then the plan was to come home Sat night. The friend needs to sign some papers dh had for him. The friend, who has a 2 week old, cancelled at the last minute on Sat. Sat night is when dh changed his plans to coming home Sunday night. The papers need to be signed. It is a 6 hour drive to go from the mountains, to the friends home, then to drive back home. If he goes directly from our home to his friends home, it is an 8 hour round trip, so it isn't something dh can do during the week.

 

 

 

~~~~It isn't really about that though, it is about dh (or anyone else) trying to surprise me by not saying anything, and purposefully hiding the gift (instead of wrapping it), to make me think he forgot.

[Tap]

To be blunt: Stop wining and learned to enjoy what he DOES for you. And if you want him to do something specific... tell him.

 

If you do not surprised LEARN to like it. Fake it for a while and eventually you WILL like it.

 

Really?!? I am almost 40yo. I have never liked surprises. Ever. I don't think it is going to change.

 

 

I do enjoy what he (or anyone else) gives me. It isn't about the gift.

 

 

It is the bait and switch. It is the "I forgot.....no I didn't.....yep, this time I really did forget......nope, just kidding I didn't forget, I just didn't do anything. " It is the emotional roller coaster of living with someone who loves surprises, and being the one who doesn't. HMMMMMM, he loves roller coasters....and I don't.....maybe it isn't about surprises, it is about roller coasters....LOLOL

[Tap]

I agree (maybe more gently, LOL) and think you should keep lists (wish lists online, hand-written lists, tattoo dh's arm, whatever) around so that your dh can choose to surprise you with things you actually LIKE and/or WANT. Mention many times what you like and prefer. This is what I do and it works nicely. :D

 

It isn't about the gift....it is the surprise factor.

[SnowWhite]

I think his method of surprising you is tactless and mean. I honestly do not know anybody who does surprises like that.

 

I had a surprise baby shower. I was honestly surprised. I did not feel deceived and I would not have been disappointed had I not had a shower. That is a kind and appropriate surprise and I can't imagine anyone not enjoying it. What you are describing is totally different and I do not think you are wrong to insist that he stop using this kind of surprise.

 

I *do* think you should remind him when you think he is forgetting an event (I believe you should have mentioned this being Mother's Day weekend, but then made certain he realized it was still okay with you for him to leave, but you wanted to make sure he knew the date).

 

An appropriate way to surprise you with the compost bin would have been to say, "I have a surprise present ready for the kids to give you on Mother's Day." You would not have known it wasn't a mug or a box of chocolates or a bud vase with a single rose. A compost bin at that point would have been a lovely surprise.

 

For a birthday party, I would remember the special day with a small gift and dessert and song, then when the BIG SURPRISE PARTY rolls around, it is a lovely surprise. No forgetting or wondering about forgetting or disappointment... just a nice surprise. Tactful and thoughtful and without any drama.

[aggieamy]

I think his method of surprising you is tactless and mean. I honestly do not know anybody who does surprises like that.

 

I had a surprise baby shower. I was honestly surprised. I did not feel deceived and I would not have been disappointed had I not had a shower. That is a kind and appropriate surprise and I can't imagine anyone not enjoying it. What you are describing is totally different and I do not think you are wrong to insist that he stop using this kind of surprise.

 

I *do* think you should remind him when you think he is forgetting an event (I believe you should have mentioned this being Mother's Day weekend, but then made certain he realized it was still okay with you for him to leave, but you wanted to make sure he knew the date).

 

An appropriate way to surprise you with the compost bin would have been to say, "I have a surprise present ready for the kids to give you on Mother's Day." You would not have known it wasn't a mug or a box of chocolates or a bud vase with a single rose. A compost bin at that point would have been a lovely surprise.

 

For a birthday party, I would remember the special day with a small gift and dessert and song, then when the BIG SURPRISE PARTY rolls around, it is a lovely surprise. No forgetting or wondering about forgetting or disappointment... just a nice surprise. Tactful and thoughtful and without any drama.

 

:iagree:. Very wise words here. This is the way a surprise should be done. A surprise isn't "Hey, I didn't actually forget about this very important day I was just pretending to."

Edited May 9, 2011 by aggieamy

[5kidsforME]

I had a surprise baby shower. I was honestly surprised. I did not feel deceived and I would not have been disappointed had I not had a shower. That is a kind and appropriate surprise and I can't imagine anyone not enjoying it.

 

 

Me! Me! Me! I hate any kind of surprise gathering in my honor. I don't think it is mean or anything I just hate them. My dh knows this and promises to never do this to me as well as my family. Just thinking of it totally stresses me out.

 

 

I think I'm getting hives as we speak. :tongue_smilie:

 

Back to the subject at hand!

[bookfiend]

Is it possible that he didn't realize that in keeping the present a secret he was communicating to you that he had forgotten Mother's Day? That he truly did need the break of being out of town to visit friends and the intent wasn't to fool you, but rather to thoughtfully show that he still remembered it was Mother's Day and provided a present he knew you would love, even though he wasn't going to be there?

 

I only mention this because sometimes the man POV is a mystery to me, and my feelings often get hurt where there was no intention.

[OrganicAnn]

It is not the surprise, it is the tease you don't like. If he said "We have a present for you, but it is a surprise", you would probably have been okay with it. Or if you were expecting a present, but they gave it to you two days early "Surprise", that probably would have been okay. But the tease, the misdirection, the misleading is what you don't like. I guess it a method to heighten the surprise.

 

Does your DH likes surprises? Maybe he is giving you, what he would like himself? Or what he grew up with?

 

I don't mind surprises. As long as they don't go terribly wrong (like wearing you worse clothes to a surprise party, etc).

[SunD]

I think I would explain to him that while you love his gifts, the way he chooses to surprise you can make you feel sad. You thought that he totally forgot Mother's Day. It would have made you very happy to know that he was planning something special. Explain that for YOU, knowing that the gift is coming is part of the enjoyment.

 

There are different ways to make the gift a surprise. He could wrap it and display it somewhere, and then play 20 questions with you. Maybe that would give him the satisfaction of "is it this?" ... no ... you don't know what it is! ... it's a surprise! ... etc. You would still know you've got a gift.

 

Would being surprised sometimes help fill his need for surprises? For example if you're out running errands and he calls to ask what's for dinner, be noncommital and mumble about meatloaf. Then show up with takeout Chinese, or whatever it is he likes.

[RoughCollie]

I think I would explain to him that while you love his gifts, the way he chooses to surprise you can make you feel sad. You thought that he totally forgot Mother's Day. It would have made you very happy to know that he was planning something special. Explain that for YOU, knowing that the gift is coming is part of the enjoyment.

 

:iagree: I was just about to post a similar opinion.

 

Meanwhile, just be glad that when you opened the compost bin, your DH didn't pop out of it! When I was reading the original post, that's what I thought the punchline would be.

[Sputterduck]

Umm... as an adult you have to learn to get out of your comfort zone, particularly when it comes to a relationship with your dh.

 

I was being HONEST not judgemental. BUT there is quite a bit of complaining going on here lately and if everyone would just learn to count your blessing.. aka ... appreciate what you do have then life may go a little better.

 

Just think of all the AWEFUL things going on around the world and you may just feel a bit better about your own life and be willing to compromise a little more.

 

Also was NOT talking about telling him about surprises but about what specifically she wants to happen for certain things aka Mother's day events and presents.

 

Honestly, it's incredibly selfish to do something for someone that they will hate, just because you like it. Her husband is doing something for himself and not for her. Yuck.

 

And pretending to like something is lying in my world. I've done it when people are genuine so as not to hurt feelings, but if someone knows I hate something and does it to me anyway, that's just selfish. It's nothing to applaud.

[Sputterduck]

And, frankly, it's mean to pretend you forgot just to surprise someone. It's not right to hurt someone just because you like the thrill of surprises.

[Jenny in Florida]

Honestly, it's incredibly selfish to do something for someone that they will hate, just because you like it. Her husband is doing something for himself and not for her. Yuck.

 

And pretending to like something is lying in my world. I've done it when people are genuine so as not to hurt feelings, but if someone knows I hate something and does it to me anyway, that's just selfish. It's nothing to applaud.

 

Yes. On both counts.

 

We have constant tension around our home regarding holidays and gifts.

 

I'm an only child, and my experience of holidays growing up was that my parents were both too busy to engage and, instead, bought me stuff. On the big day, Christmas for example, my role was to open the pile of gifts and put on a show of how much I loved each one. The residual effect for me is that I am not comfortable receiving gifts and resent the obligation to perform the role of grateful recipient.

 

I'm also essentially uninterested in "stuff."

 

My husband, on the other hand, is one of those "gifts are my love language" people. So, he LOVES to spend time and money on the people he loves. And, he doesn't feel loved unless people do the same for him.

 

You see the problem, right?

 

For years, I sucked it up and pretended I was happy and having fun every birthday and Christmas and Mother's Day, etc. But I wasn't. I never did "learn to like it." And I got increasingly stressed out worrying in advance about how to cope. I also began breaking down every year over the summer in anticipation of my husband's birthday followed by Christmas. I knew nothing I could do woud be good enough or make him happy, while I would be called upon to do my act again.

 

It was absolutely miserable.

 

Finally, a few years ago I sat him down and explained how I was feeling. Things are still uncomfortable, but at least the cards are on the table. He's moderated his gift-giving impluse and directed it toward things I really do value (giving to charities in my name, for example). I've worked hard to try and honor his desire to receive "something" on gift-giving occasions.

 

It's still a major source of tension in our relationship and my life, though.

 

So, no, for many people "faking it till you make it" just doesn't help.

[2squared]

Me! Me! Me! I hate any kind of surprise gathering in my honor. I don't think it is mean or anything I just hate them. My dh knows this and promises to never do this to me as well as my family. Just thinking of it totally stresses me out.

 

:iagree: Me too! I have had one surprise birthday party and one surprise baby shower. I do NOT enjoy surprises. I am probably more Aspie-like with my traits, and throwing me into a room of exuberant people without any warning is extremely stressful. It is NOT fun or enjoyable for me.

 

My 10 year old birthday party was a complete surprise. I walked into the room and prompty ran back out to hide in a closet. I felt like hiding in a closet at my baby shower, but I probably wouldn't have fit anyway. :lol:

[Gratia271]

So, no, for many people "faking it till you make it" just doesn't help.

 

Maybe I am a raging feminist or something, but I have spent so many years hearing women say this about many aspects of their relationships with their husbands, and it sickens me. I have never heard this advice doled out to men. Where are women in all of this? For me, it has nothing to do with the material aspect of the gift, whether or not they remember... it has to do with our personhood. Are we not worthy of having our feelings respected, or are we to constantly suck up however we are treated and even be grateful for it? That whole notion just makes me physically sick. Maybe it is acceptable with some people for respect and honor to be unilateral in a relationship; it is not acceptable around here.

[flobee76]

I HATE surprises. Ick. I just hate them. My DD is the same way. I like to know what is going on, where we are going, and what we are going to do.

 

My husband LOOOOOOOOOOVES surprises. Which is why we've never found out the gender of our babies. It drove me nuts.

[ocelotmom]

An appropriate way to surprise you with the compost bin would have been to say, "I have a surprise present ready for the kids to give you on Mother's Day." You would not have known it wasn't a mug or a box of chocolates or a bud vase with a single rose. A compost bin at that point would have been a lovely surprise.

 

For a birthday party, I would remember the special day with a small gift and dessert and song, then when the BIG SURPRISE PARTY rolls around, it is a lovely surprise. No forgetting or wondering about forgetting or disappointment... just a nice surprise. Tactful and thoughtful and without any drama.

 

:iagree:

It's not necessary to knock someone down before lifting them up, and lifting them up isn't necessarily going to erase the hurt of being knocked down.

 

My DH couldn't throw a surprise party if he tried :) I don't think I've gotten a gift that was a surprise since we got together - he totally incapable of keeping things he's excited about a secret :)

[TammyinTN]

I must be the only person who loves surprises. ;) My husband is wonderful at it and I really enjoy it. He gives me things he knows I will love and enjoy..some make life easier while others are just Mom toys. He's super sensitive about making me feel loved and appreciated...which I love. I work hard for our family in keeping our home and school at top notch. He loves to express his gratitude through gifts and surprises. I see nothing wrong with it.

He has also taught our children to be gracious and giving to the ones you love. It's not about the gift it's definitely that you thought enough of that person to do something special for them. We enjoy doing nice things for each other.