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What can you do with a password to someone's facebook?


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My dd finally got her own facebook acct. The deal was we would have her password. Because of a semi-family emergency I let her set it up without giving us the password at the time of setting it up. She now claims we never said we had to have the password. Dh is starting to cave. This has been understood for two years - the two years we told her she had to wait until a certain age to have a facebook acct. Dh wants to know what we can see with her password and what we can see without it.

 

My blood is boiling - at her but mainly at dh for starting to flake out about this. And she used "frikking" in her rant about the issue. I know that's a bad word and she will be disciplined for it, but anyone know how bad?

 

Oh, and any plans I had for her to drive herself to cc next year for dual enrollment have evaporated. I thought she was becoming more cooperative, but after tonight I have visions of two years of fights over where she went, where we said she could go, no,we never said that, etc. and dh flaking out right and left. I don't do constant fights.

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How old is she? If she can drive, I'm assuming 16 or close to? I don't know you or your family, but maybe that is an acceptable age for her to have her own password?

 

With her password you can pretty much do everything,

remove and add friends

post and link stuff

upload and delete pictures

take quizzes

change privacy settings

chat

 

with her password you can pretend to be her

 

Once, my friend had stepped away from her computer and her adult, prankster brother hopped on to FB account and promised a cookie party to a lot of people. Everyone thought it was her. How could they know it wasn't? Anyway, you can imagine her shock when people started showing up with cookies. :)

 

Without her password, you can be her FB friend and see everything she does, as long as the privacy setting is set for you to. Maybe compromising to that would be a better argument?

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With her password you can see any private messages that are sent to her and ones that she sends assuming you get there before she deletes them. You can also see how her privacy settings are set and walk her through how to stay relatively safe on fb. It will also allow you to see friend requests that she gets.

 

Personally I would want the password of any minor, and any email account passwords, but that is harder and harder to control now that kids can get access to the internet so many places that we don't know about. :glare:

 

It does sound like she is not mature enough to drive around by herself yet. :grouphug:

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Well, assuming you decide this is a hill to die on (and it might well be--I just don't know what you and your dh will decide!) and she WON'T give it to you voluntarily . . .

 

Do you know the email account (and password for the email) she used to set it up? You should be able to go to facebook's log-in page, try to log in and then request fb send an email either with the fb password or in order to change the fb password (I can't remember which it is) to the email account. Then you'll have it and can either change it, delete the fb account, or just have it . . . but as soon as she logs in, she'd be able to change it. So if it's a trust issue, that might make it tough for you to allow her to continue using fb right now.

 

If you don't have her password but you're "friends" with her on fb, you can see anything she posts or anything someone posts on her wall, BUT she can also block you from seeing things if she knows how. You wouldn't be able to see any private messages or set any controls on her page.

 

How old is dd? Depending on her age, I wouldn't cave on requiring her password if that was clearly the expectation. And even if she genuinely doesn't remember it that way, my response would be, "Sorry, but if you want to be on fb, that's the way it is. So which is it going to be?"

Edited by Kirch
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My concern is that she can hide things from us (whether messages are appropriate or not, who her friends are, etc.) if we don't have her password. I don't have facebook, so I don't know how this works. She is trying to tell us that we can see everything whether or not we have her password. For someone who is pulling the you don't trust me rant, she sure is making me trust her less than I ever have.

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So basically, unless I have her password, I can't see everything on her account, which is what I thought. Yes, for me this is a hill to die on. Dh may differ (to please dd), although this would be out of character for him in regards to his typical level of protection and directly contradict what our agreement is.

 

Maybe I need to be thankful that this incident has revealed that she is not as mature as I thought she was.

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Depends on her age. In our house, it's a condition of being allowed to have a fb account, but mine are still pretty young (13 and 15). As they get older, I'll probably bow out and leave it up to them. When they first got their accounts, I checked in all the time, to set the precedent. Now I rarely log on--but they don't really care if I do, and I usually only do it if they need help with something.

 

e.g., if she's 18+ I would let it go. In fact, I really can't imagine telling my teens that they have to give me their passwords to anything past that point.

 

If she's early-mid teens or if you have a reason to believe she's going to be getting into trouble or mixing with troublesome people, you may have cause to push the issue. Otherwise, I'd side with your dh. It sounds like she didn't create a fb until you gave her permission...that's a plus. Maybe she just wants a little space of her own. That can be hard to find for homeschoolers. We're all up in their business all the time.:tongue_smilie:

 

I say pick your battles. Unless you really don't trust her, let her win this one--and let her know that you're letting her win because you trust her.

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So basically, unless I have her password, I can't see everything on her account, which is what I thought. Yes, for me this is a hill to die on. Dh may differ (to please dd), although this would be out of character for him in regards to his typical level of protection and directly contradict what our agreement is.

 

Maybe I need to be thankful that this incident has revealed that she is not as mature as I thought she was.

 

At 16 and with the kind of attitude/response she's showing, it'd be a hill for me to die on too. In fact, I'd probably conclude she wasn't ready for the responsibility of having a fb account. But that's me, and that's also just knowing what you've posted, not how she usually/generally behaves.

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My concern is that she can hide things from us (whether messages are appropriate or not, who her friends are, etc.) if we don't have her password. I don't have facebook, so I don't know how this works. She is trying to tell us that we can see everything whether or not we have her password. For someone who is pulling the you don't trust me rant, she sure is making me trust her less than I ever have.

 

You CAN see everything if you're there when she logs in. She's not giving you any reason to trust her less than you ever have if that's what she's telling you. You CAN see it all if you're there when she's logging in. There's no super-extra-protected area that you can't see without re-entering the password in some other place. If she's logging in without giving you the password, but then letting you look around, you're seeing all there is to see. If she's telling you that you can see everything there is to see if you get your own facebook account, that's totally different, but if she's telling you that you can see everything when she logs herself in, she's not lying.

 

And in my house, frikkin isn't a cuss word.

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She is known for having an attitude (with me), but not for getting into trouble. However, I am not naive enough to think that nothing could ever happen. I also don't see her as being so strong that she would never get into trouble. I want this to not be an area to be argued about all the time - because that is what will happen if the rules are not firm and enforced. Any more arguments, and I am seriously considering withdrawing privileges for next school year. I have other children and my dh and myself to take care of and tend to get very distracted by emotional stuff. She does not have any type of diagnosis, she is just a typical teenage girl who likes to push it, so there is no reason to put up with ranting and raving, etc.

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with our kids, oldest is 15 - it is a must for them to have FB. I do use their password occasionally to see - Who is on their friend list. What private messages they have had, and what online chats they have had.

 

If they are not willing to let me have the password, then they will not have facebook...or email for that matter. It is my job as parent to protect them from the stupidity/immaturity of their own youth. Yeah, it would be a hill I'd die on, because I think it would point to heart issues/problems in my child if they felt they had to hide it from me.

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Well, either I have her password, or not. There is no reason to compromise. If my dh chooses to, well then she is his problem and he can deal with her.

 

I don't understand how this could work. It isn't good for her or for you if one of you says one thing and one says another. I think it might be time for you to tell your dh privately that this is a hill for you personally to die on. I know that I would defer to my spouse if that were the case.

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Perhaps you should make your questioning a little more clear. She knows that you don't have facebook accounts, right? If you don't have a facebook account you can't see anything she does at all unless her page is public, which is flat out dangerous. It would be easy enough to find out if her page is public by asking someone who has a facebook account to search for your daughter. If they can see her whole page it's public. If they can't it's not. If she knows you don't have a facebook account and her page isn't public, then are you sure she doesn't mean that you can look at it when she logs in? It just wouldn't make any sense for her to say you can see it when she's not logged in, knowing you don't have facebook accounts. That would be too easily proven a lie, since you wouldn't be able to see anything at all unless her page is public. (I doubt it is.)

 

If you're worried about her doing something you don't want her to do, you'd have to read her account every time she logged in anyway. In fact, you'd have to stand over her shoulder to make sure she wasn't sending messages you didn't like or whatever it is you're worried about. She could just as easily do that if you had her password. She'd just have to tell her friends not to respond because you'd read it if you logged on before her.

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If you're worried about her doing something you don't want her to do, you'd have to read her account every time she logged in anyway. In fact, you'd have to stand over her shoulder to make sure she wasn't sending messages you didn't like or whatever it is you're worried about. She could just as easily do that if you had her password. She'd just have to tell her friends not to respond because you'd read it if you logged on before her.

 

:iagree: She can easily delete any conversation she and her friends have immediately after they have it. She can also hide posts from any friends she might not want you to know she has. She can also have more than one FB account. One you have the password to and one you don't. She can access her page from her friends' phones as well. If you're looking to be big brother with a 16 year old girl.....it won't work.

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Snowfall, she didn't specify when she logs in. And that would mean I would have to read her account every time she logged in - how inconvenient for me. I appreciate you educating me on this though.

 

 

Honestly? If I were you, I wouldn't let it go. There are trust issues that you have to deal with here. From your posts, I know you already know that.

 

You know the old saying "give an inch and they'll take a mile"? I think that's what she's done to you here. She took advantage of a moment to set up the facebook account when you weren't around. You are still the parent, no matter how old she thinks 16 is. Rein in that mile she's taken and demand her password or cut off all internet access, or take away her phone, or car priviledges or anything else that you think is appropriate to the issue at hand. I would keep at it until you get the password. And, if she goes and changes it on you, then I would deliver same consequences again. If she DOES change it on you after giving it to you, then you'll know for sure she's up to something. If she gives it to you and keeps allowing you that access, then you know she's got some trustworthiness to her.

 

My son is only 11, so we're talking a big maturity difference, but I have always required him to ask our permission before having accounts on any websites, and we MUST set it up for him, so that we always have his password. He is not allowed to be on facebook, but he does play kids' sites like Roblox, Neopets, etc. that allow interaction. Mainly, we are strict about this because we want to make sure he is safe online, but also we do it because we have a rule for our family that says that if you cannot tell your family about something then you know you shouldn't be doing it, so don't do it! It's a simple thing, but he's a young kid and young kids need things to be kept simple -- especially rules.

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I know I sound harsh, but she has wanted a facebook account for years. We have said she could have one at a certain age and that we would have complete access to it. None of this is news either, although she is acting like it is (which is making me not trust her). Now, she throws a fit and my dh is considering caving. It is not unusual for him to act this way. It is sometimes hard to co-parent under these conditions. When this happens, I have to walk away and let him deal with the resulting mess - otherwise he changed the rules and I have to deal with the mess and he pretends a mess isn't there. No, this isn't my idea of parenting together, but I had to adjust.

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If you're worried about her doing something you don't want her to do, you'd have to read her account every time she logged in anyway. In fact, you'd have to stand over her shoulder to make sure she wasn't sending messages you didn't like or whatever it is you're worried about. She could just as easily do that if you had her password. She'd just have to tell her friends not to respond because you'd read it if you logged on before her.

:iagree:

 

 

Teens chat. Sometimes I walk by dd on the computer and she's got 5 facebook chat windows available. If there is anything incriminating, it's automatically deleted as soon as she closes the chat window.

 

While I'm pretty lenient with facebook (we don't have any attitude issues here), I would never had let her have one, without having one myself, and being her friend.

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Guest Dulcimeramy

It isn't just about helicopter parenting or trying to boss around a teen for the power trip of it.

 

Future employers and college admissions people check Facebook, and kids can be very foolish. It just makes sense to have a parental safety net for minors on the internet.

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As a parent, just acquiring a FB account and "friending" her won't allow you to see what she doesn't want you to see. She can create "lists" of who can see what, kwim? (I have a lot of friends who do this so teens in their list can't see some of the more "adult" status updates or photos. Nothing obscene!!! LOL Just not the business of every teen on their list! ;) )

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I know I sound harsh, but she has wanted a facebook account for years. We have said she could have one at a certain age and that we would have complete access to it. None of this is news either, although she is acting like it is (which is making me not trust her). Now, she throws a fit and my dh is considering caving. It is not unusual for him to act this way. It is sometimes hard to co-parent under these conditions. When this happens, I have to walk away and let him deal with the resulting mess - otherwise he changed the rules and I have to deal with the mess and he pretends a mess isn't there. No, this isn't my idea of parenting together, but I had to adjust.

 

 

I don't think you are being harsh at all, and I wouldn't back down even if dh is trying to cave. You were clear from the beginning that she could only have an account under certain conditions. It's unfortunate that he doesn't want to protect her from the danger she could get into, and I would certainly tell him so, but I absolutely wouldn't back down on this issue. Tell her flat out that even if dad is caving in, you're NOT.

 

:grouphug: hang in there mama!! be strong!

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It is a matter of trust and she is not setting herself up to be trusted. Facebook is an interesting arena and your DD probably knows you enough to know that what you will see you may not like. You will probably need to decide many things either in advance or as you go regarding what your standards are and how they will be honored in your home.

 

True she can sneak and hide all sorts of activity as a previous poster pointed out, but the difference is how much will you allow. Fearing that kids will sneak around if you do not allow behavior you disapprove of seems odd to me, but I know people parent that way. You just need to know what your limits are and to what extent you can have peace about "giving in."

 

My dd was allowed facebook at 15 with the stipulation that I'd have the password. I set up an account for myself two months ahead of her so that I could understand the ins and outs of what could be done for safety, etc. By the time she set up her account, I could help point out how to set up her profile to be secure and help her understand why it was necessary to guard her information and know how to do it.

 

Her friends were not like my friends :) Goodness, what teens will post in public! Although some of what I pointed out and discussed with her initially was met with deep sighs, it was good training for her to understand that she could not/ should not imitate what others do on facebook. She had friend requests from creepy predator types, people she does not know but are friends of friends, which sometimes creeped her out. We talked about the issue of "friendship" on a public forum and saw first hand (together) the pitfalls.

 

Slowly I pulled away, yet she often volunteers information. As she became conscious of the fact that people know people who know people, she realized on her own that it was not wise to have too much out there for public consumption. I think my guidance helped and she'd probably tell you that now after two years.

 

If she'd have been unwilling to walk the road with me, there would have been no facebook while in my home and on my computers. That's a hill I'd die on as well; it is a dangerous place for young kids who think they know it all.

 

P.S. Fricken is a veiled form of the "f" word and is considered a curse word in our home. That and more is all over facebook, so it is something you might get used to seeing.

Edited by sunnyca
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Yikes...I didn't mean for my post to imply that you shouldn't monitor your dd on Facebook. I think you should. I am "friends" with both of my kids and some of their friends. My only point was that if she is determined to get around FB barriers....she can pretty easily. So don't think that if all seems well with you having her password that it is. Her behavior will be a much better barometer of what's going on in her life than her FB page.

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Yikes...I didn't mean for my post to imply that you shouldn't monitor your dd on Facebook. I think you should. I am "friends" with both of my kids and some of their friends. My only point was that if she is determined to get around FB barriers....she can pretty easily. So don't think that if all seems well with you having her password that it is. Her behavior will be a much better barometer of what's going on in her life than her FB page.

 

Me either. We've monitored our girls pretty closely, and now that we're sure all is well, we've backed off a bit. (But we still have their passwords--and we're friends with them on fb.) My first perception was of an older teen because of the cc reference...16 year olds still need parental guidance in my book. :D

 

I will say this--my husband and I discussed fb accounts/social networking/internet guidelines/etc and had our plan of attack ironed out before we allowed it, so the fact that it has already been done and the OP's husband isn't on board is further complicating matters. If I were in this situation, this would probably be where I pulled my husband into the bedroom for a private conversation that would begin with "We have to be in agreement on this", and end with "Are we on the same page now?" And then go present a united front.

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I consider 16 plenty old enough to have considerable privacy from one's parents- a basic sense that their life is their own, not to be controlled at their parent's whim. My 16yo dd is a young adult and is pretty much treated as such.

Dh and I have discussed recently how we need to let go even more and treat her even more as a young woman rather than a child.

I guess she has earned that much respect from us, though- she is mature and reasonable.

I do get concerned sometimes at how many homeschool parents (some I know IRL) do not allow their children- or teens- to have a private world from their parents. I consider it an important part of a child's wellbeing to have some privacy and autonomy.

However, every home is different and kids are all different and I treat my ds15 differently from my dd16.

We are friends with both our kids on Facebook- that is enough monitoring for us. We do not know their passwords and never have, but we don't really have much reason not to trust that they will basically do the right thing, either- even though sometimes we have stepped in.

You have a parenting issue here - I know how annoying it is to have the other parent not on side. I did recently downloaded a Facebook blocking program for our ds15, to make sure he was getting off it at a reasonable hour at nightime ( I tend to be a bit sleep obsessed for my teens). Ds15 is savvy with computers and disengaged the program in minutes. Dh laughed at how quickly ds could disengage the program. I gave up- i was annoyed, but then I just surrendered. It's time ds15 learned to monitor his own habits anyway.

 

I do try and limit the rules and restrictions, because the more there are, the more there will be rebellion about them. Only decades ago 16yos were commonly married, working etc. We now treat them like children. I am with your dh on this one. But I empathise with the frustration of having the other parent not back you up, especially when you agreed on it before.

 

As for the cuss word- we would not consider that a bad one.

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On my facebook I have my friends/family and the friends I play games with. One of the gamer friends was posting about her neice meeting a guy on facebook and they wanted to meet up. Turned out this guy was some forty year old perv. If my child wants any kind of account I have all the passwords end of story.

 

A girl at my daughters charter school last year was found out to be bringing weapons to the school when her mom checked the private messages.

 

You cannot see evrything posted on ones page just by being their friend, I have certain friends who can't see anything because I set it up that way.

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There is also monitoring software you can put on your computer. If you are concerned about activity on the computer, I would say do that.

 

We used spector soft. it is a stealth program. We told our child we were putting it on.

 

But I also agree that we do need to let them grow up and do things for themselves and this doesn't neccessarily mean that she is not growing up and mature, unless there ae other issues too.

 

AND I have had one of each. one that we pretty much felt we had to keep a thumb on because of behavior and poor choices, and the other who is more open.

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I consider 16 plenty old enough to have considerable privacy from one's parents- a basic sense that their life is their own, not to be controlled at their parent's whim. My 16yo dd is a young adult and is pretty much treated as such.

Dh and I have discussed recently how we need to let go even more and treat her even more as a young woman rather than a child.

I guess she has earned that much respect from us, though- she is mature and reasonable.

I do get concerned sometimes at how many homeschool parents (some I know IRL) do not allow their children- or teens- to have a private world from their parents. I consider it an important part of a child's wellbeing to have some privacy and autonomy.

However, every home is different and kids are all different and I treat my ds15 differently from my dd16.

We are friends with both our kids on Facebook- that is enough monitoring for us. We do not know their passwords and never have, but we don't really have much reason not to trust that they will basically do the right thing, either- even though sometimes we have stepped in.

You have a parenting issue here - I know how annoying it is to have the other parent not on side. I did recently downloaded a Facebook blocking program for our ds15, to make sure he was getting off it at a reasonable hour at nightime ( I tend to be a bit sleep obsessed for my teens). Ds15 is savvy with computers and disengaged the program in minutes. Dh laughed at how quickly ds could disengage the program. I gave up- i was annoyed, but then I just surrendered. It's time ds15 learned to monitor his own habits anyway.

 

I do try and limit the rules and restrictions, because the more there are, the more there will be rebellion about them. Only decades ago 16yos were commonly married, working etc. We now treat them like children. I am with your dh on this one. But I empathise with the frustration of having the other parent not back you up, especially when you agreed on it before.

 

As for the cuss word- we would not consider that a bad one.

:iagree:

It sounds as if there may be background about this particular child that I haven't read. Between that and my lack of teenagers (for 4 more months!), my opinions are probably pretty worthless here, but here they are, anyway. ;)

 

Teenagers need monitoring. You can't monitor actions that aren't allowed to be performed.

I have to (naively, I'm sure) ask - What exactly do you imagine she might hide? I'm not asking what *can* and *does* go on on FB (I'm a FB addict myself, and I'm aware of many of the sketchy things that are able to go on), but what the fear is when it comes to THIS specific child.

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How old is she? If she can drive, I'm assuming 16 or close to? I don't know you or your family, but maybe that is an acceptable age for her to have her own password?

 

With her password you can pretty much do everything,

remove and add friends

post and link stuff

upload and delete pictures

take quizzes

change privacy settings

chat

 

with her password you can pretend to be her

 

Once, my friend had stepped away from her computer and her adult, prankster brother hopped on to FB account and promised a cookie party to a lot of people. Everyone thought it was her. How could they know it wasn't? Anyway, you can imagine her shock when people started showing up with cookies. :)

 

Without her password, you can be her FB friend and see everything she does, as long as the privacy setting is set for you to. Maybe compromising to that would be a better argument?

 

With the newer FB privacy controls, I can make "friend lists" and sent status updates only to them. My other friends never even see them. I can also send updates that go to everyone except specific people or groups. You can set these lists and exceptions up so they are the default.

 

So the days of being able to just listen in from the corner of your kids' accounts are past. They can exclude you, even if you are their "friend" if they want to.

 

Having said that, if they ever have unsupervised time at a friends or at the library, it is a matter of moments to set up a free email and use it to set up Facebook. With a late teen, the levers of influence are changing. What I can control with my 13 yo I can only influence with him when he's a scant couple years from leaving the house.

 

FWIW, one suggestion that I heard recently for working with older students was a written contract that spelled out the expectations and conditions from both parent and child. It holds both the student and the parent to account and doesn't leave room for forgetting the arrangements.

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with our kids, oldest is 15 - it is a must for them to have FB. I do use their password occasionally to see - Who is on their friend list. What private messages they have had, and what online chats they have had.

 

If they are not willing to let me have the password, then they will not have facebook...or email for that matter. It is my job as parent to protect them from the stupidity/immaturity of their own youth. Yeah, it would be a hill I'd die on, because I think it would point to heart issues/problems in my child if they felt they had to hide it from me.

 

This is our family rule too.

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...she is a very mature and responsible 16yo, so YMMV. When EK got FB, I got an account too, and she "friended" me. I see everything she posts, and so far, there haven't been any problems. The only major rule that I have is that she is not allowed to "friend" anyone that she doesn't know or who has few mutual friends with her.

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Just to point out, she could easily have a facebook account without you even knowing about it. And even if she gives you the password now, she could always change it at anytime. Or make another account that you don't know about.

 

And "fricking" is a substitute for the f-word. Sort of like saying "shoot" instead of the sh-word or "darn" for the d-word or "gosh" for the G-word or geez for the J-word.

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I have a 15 year old boy who is very responsible, very mature, a very stereotypically good kid. He goes to church on his own, because he wants to. For his winter break, he volunteered at his church to help pack boxes for the homeless. For his spring break, he went to Mexico on a mission trip with his church to build up an orphanage. He plays sports, is in the IB program at school, and is just applauded everywhere we go by everyone we know as being a great kid. He has not given us reasons to not trust him EVER.

 

We have always required that we have passwords to all of his email accounts, his FB, his phone, everything. We even have family locator on his phone. I check regularly to make certain he is attending school (they have an online system that shows his attendance and his grades up to date). It isn't a matter of not trusting him specifically, it is a matter of not trusting teenagerhood. Teenagers don't think things through. They are impulsive. At 16, it might seem like a great idea to post a pick of yourself nekkid or close to nekkid on FB (trust me, I've seen some of my son's friends do this type of thing). If a child has a parent who is showing interest in their activites, they might think twice. We've talked to my boy about whether or not he feels we are intrusive and he actually said that he likes it. It gives him an out when other teenagers are pressuring him to do things that aren't his style.

 

Both my husband and myself were allowed to run free as teenagers, allowed to make our own decisions with little parental input, "trusted". When I told my mother about how I routinely check in my son's room, she was aghast that I would break his privacy. I see it as a safety issue. Had someone checked in on me just a little more, I might have been saved from countless horrific consequences. I was a really good kid who was trusted by everyone, and who ended up hooked on drugs and an unwed teenage mother.

 

Of course, YMMV :)

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My younger four are 16 and 18. I have had their passwords because they were younger when they got their fbs, and they let me keep them so I can cheat playing farmville and send my farm stuff from their pages. Of course I never had my oldest son's password, he was 18 and in college.

 

Anyhow, having her password is not the issue. The issue is trust. If she wants a fb without your knowledge she can have one, all she has to do is create it. You'll never know. You could take away her computer, she could use a computer at the library. You need to find a way to build trust with this girl. My kids trust me with their password (not to look at their private stuff.) They have my password too, btw.

 

I'd be ticked at dad for not backing me up though.

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The way my friends have handled it is to require an essay from the teen who wants FB. Dad reads and reviews the essay. If it passes his scrutiny, they are allowed an account, with mom and dad as the first friends.

 

Other adult friends of the family are also friended. These aren't just people who are passing in the night, but friends from church, homeschool activities and sports. And these adults frequently comment on the teen's posts or get comments from them.

 

I think that it helps FB to be a means of adult communication that they are taught how to use, rather than a teen aged free for all. One of the problems I see with email and FB is that teens have no idea how to use them politely or effectively. I was brought up in a professional environment where you wrote actual memos and record messages (which were approved by 3-6 layers of supervisors before being transmitted). I watch my son try to coordinate things via email and it is painful to watch.

 

I haven't yet allowed my eldest to get an email. We've had a number of conversations about how this (and other restrictions) aren't just about his maturity level, but about the maturity and trustworthiness of others.

 

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BTW, I do college interviews for my alma mater. I do google candidates. Usually after the interview, especially to check out their standing on sports or academic teams. FB pages do come up in some of these searches.

 

And back to the topic of use of email, I had a candidate who did not get into my alma mater last year. In large part, I would put it on his failure to respond to repeated emails and phone messages. In the end, he failed to get all the paperwork in. Just could not manage to send in the last item (which was a pretty mundane info sheet from his school), despite insisting that he was really interested in attending. I don't know if he ever realized what a poor impression he was giving, but I've mentioned it to other high schoolers as an example of what not to do.

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My younger four are 16 and 18. I have had their passwords because they were younger when they got their fbs, and they let me keep them so I can cheat playing farmville and send my farm stuff from their pages. Of course I never had my oldest son's password, he was 18 and in college.

 

Anyhow, having her password is not the issue. The issue is trust. If she wants a fb without your knowledge she can have one, all she has to do is create it. You'll never know. You could take away her computer, she could use a computer at the library. You need to find a way to build trust with this girl. My kids trust me with their password (not to look at their private stuff.) They have my password too, btw.

 

I'd be ticked at dad for not backing me up though.

 

Ditto on both of these!

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It's true that FB users can control who sees what. It’s also true that some children will sneak around, and set up accounts at the library or elsewhere. Some people forget FB shows your character, or they know, but don't care. It’s not something we can control 100% with older children. Open communication and lots of discussion about the pros and cons of FB is more important to me than having their passwords. Knowing the password might offer some degree of protection, but a child intent on sneaking around their parents will be able to do so.

 

I do not know the FB passwords of my children with accounts. (My youngest does not have an account.) I do not read their personal mail. (If behaviors changed, or I suspected something, I reserve the right to limit their technology access, of course.) That may seem dangerous to some, but I feel comfortable with this. None of the kids have me on limited viewing. I'm friends with them, we post back and forth frequently. My children have many adult relatives as friends, which include grandparents, great aunts, etc. I think the more loving and mature eyes watching, the better.

 

I've talked to the kids about FB being a great communication tool, but that it can also be used against you. Post nothing that would shame you, or make you seem less than you are. They know that employers will check FB, and that you want to present your best self in such a forum. They understand that they can control what goes on their walls, that they can delete anything, and block people who don't follow their rules. (You don’t have to explain yourself, either, just simply Remove.)

 

My oldest deleted some pix a 'friend 'posted. His dad and I saw them, called ds, and he agreed they should not be on his wall. He took them down & blocked that person from being able to post. We have not had any FB issues otherwise. I have been pleasantly surprised by what I have seen on my kids' walls, in fact. There is a lot of encouragement, funny jokes, and I get greater insight into my ds' high school life and his friends.

 

I do have one teen cousin who posts ridiculous things, and I try to be a kind presence. I think it helps; she swears much less these days. ;) I won't ‘unfriend’ her because she needs kind adults to monitor. I am part of her on-line village, as is another adult cousin. I also think I was instumental in helping a young college relative to rethink FB. He deleted his old account and started a new one, with far fewer friends, tight controls, and a greater appreciation of how small the world actually is.

 

If my kids had started their FB accounts in a sneaky way, I would have had issues, so I am all for a big family discussion about FB pros & cons, parameters, and being open with each other.

Edited by LibraryLover
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Guest Jay&JacksMama

The thing with FB is that there is so much out there for them to get in to. Since you don't have your own account you can see who her friends are or what they are talking about. Also with FB there are personal messges that can be sent and a chat application too which no one can see but the person who has the password to that account. I think that parents who allow their children the freedom to do as they please on FB are asking for trouble. Proverbs 29:15b says...a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame. I think that if she had nothing to hide then she wouldn't care about you having the password. But that goes for all people, I know a couple that both had FB and the wife had the husbands pw but she wouldn't share hers come to find out it was because she was messing around with a married man that she linked up with on FB!! I think that it's a good idea to have her password. That way you can trust her when you see that there is nothing inappropriate being posted privately.

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If you get to the point of needing to cut off access, I can suggest some free software.

 

K9 filtering software allows you to cut off access (without a password) to either specific sites or to categories of sites (like social networking sites).

 

At 16, I understand your need to protect, but she also needs some guidance as she moves into adulthood. Ultimately, she should learn *how* she should act and learn to govern herself. I think you should be on Facebook. ;)

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