What is a reasonable bedtime for a 12 year old? (help us settle our dispute)

[orangeblossom]

My dd is about to turn 12 and thinks that she should be able to stay up later. We're at odds as to what 'later' is...what do you think is reasonable for a 12 year old?

[Anne/Ankara]

Well, how early does she need to get up, and will she be functioning well at that hour? That's how we determine bedtime for our 11 and 13 year olds, which is about 9:30pm, waking up at 7:30pm. Usually they're in bed by 9pm, so there's time for a bit of reading, but I have noticed that they need more sleep now that they are both growing and active during the day.

[valkett]

It's worked out o.k. for us. If we go through a period where they're tired, we back it up a bit. They're pretty good at knowing when they need to lay down earlier. What I've found is that if I send them to be earlier, they have a hard time settling down.

 

My 16 year old stays up until about 11, sometimes later.

 

Valk

[Laura Corin]

He seems to be needing more sleep these days, and my aim is for him to wake naturally in time for school in the morning. At weekends he goes to bed when he pleases.

 

Edited to add: last night he went to bed at 9:30. It's 9:20am now and he's still not awake. He just needs a lot of sleep.

 

Laura

[Peek a Boo]

My 13yos can go to bed at 11 and still be up by 7am. he doesn't LIKE getting up that early, but he functions ok w/ it. We're all night owls here, so NOBODY is in bed before 9. If we stay 'on schedule" everyone can be up and moving by 7. I prefer to roll outta bed around 9 :-) But for the most part, we don't have a set bed time. I just remind them in morning that if they aren't outta bed when Momma says, they will GO to bed when momma says :D

[WTMCassandra]

I just remind them in morning that if they aren't outta bed when Momma says, they will GO to bed when momma says :D

 

This is great! I'll have to remember that for when mine are a little bit older.

[GothicGyrl]

Originally Posted by Peek a Boo

I just remind them in morning that if they aren't outta bed when Momma says, they will GO to bed when momma says

 

Which is exactly why we don't have bedtimes anymore. Both the 11yr and 15 yr know that when I wake them at 7:30, then need to get up. If they choose to stay up late, they suffer the consequences, none of which affect me.

 

I am a total night owl and often don't go to bed before midnight, later on weekends. And if *I* get my arse out of bed at 7:30, without complaining, then so can you.

 

But, since you asked, it does depend on the child--I can see why them thinking 9pm is unresonable. My mother was forcing me to bed at 8pm at 16 and I hated it. It gave me too much sleep and I fear created more problems later in my adult life than she imagined.

 

However, I don't see 10pm as unreasonable a time. I do try to get both of my girls in their room at least by then. We have sort of a routine--by 8:30 they are ready for bed. Usually they both go to their rooms and watch tv or a movie and usually by the time their movie is over, they are ready for bed. I've had this routine with them since they were little, so honestly--we've never really had an actual bed time. Just a night time routine. And it is has worked.

 

I would suggest trying that instead of forcing her in to bed at a specific hour. Tell her to be bed-ready by some arbitrary time--say 8:30. Then tell her she is permitted to read quietly or watch tv (if she has one) in her room until you say. And see what happens. I can almost bet she'd go lights out after a good solid hour of reading or tv watching.

 

In the end, you win, but she doesn't know that :).

[Amy in NH]

We aim to have the kids in bed by 9, but it isn't strictly enforced. Quiet time after 9 is more strictly enforced because *I* need to have some peace at the end of the day before I go to sleep. And we have a general lights-out rule of 10 pm for pre-teens, although if we stay up later than that my little kids are begging to go to bed. But I am willing to bend the rule, particularly for those who are quietly reading in bed.

 

When they get to be 10+ I think they need to start having a little more control over their lives so that they can make mistakes when/where it won't really hurt them. So, I enforce the wake-up time, not the going to sleep time. If they are tired all day because they stayed up too late, they'll learn to go to sleep earlier. That is a natural and logical consequence.

[Hillary in KS]

My 12 yo goes to bed at 9:00. He must be up at 8:00 am, though he's starting to want to sleep later. :)

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

9:30 was best until puberty hit. Then I simply shifted wakeup time to an hour later and made bedtime 10:30 -11:00.

 

You know when it's time to do the shift when they start lying in bed awake for a LONG time.

[Doran]

9:30 was best until puberty hit. Then I simply shifted wakeup time to an hour later and made bedtime 10:30 -11:00.

 

You know when it's time to do the shift when they start lying in bed awake for a LONG time.

 

 

Good golly! So that's what we did. I've scratched my head more than once over why it is that my kids aren't in bed until 10:30 or 11:00 these days. We've shifted so slowly, and without real intent that it seemed it was just poor discipline. But, when they show NO sign of being tired at 9:30, and lie awake until 11:00 anyhow, you just lose your motivation to get them into bed at 9:30. Huh. There you go. :rolleyes:

 

Doran

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

We've shifted so slowly, and without real intent that it seemed it was just poor discipline.

 

Doran

 

Nope. Simple biology. And unless they're working in the fields all day and are exhausted by 9:30, you really can't argue with biology. :D

[Audrey]

10 hours before "rising" time, sounds reasonable. So, if you're up at 7am, then 9pm bedtime.

[orangeblossom]

It's all about me. I don't want her going to bed later because I'm ready for "me time" by her usual bedtime and don't want to cut it any shorter. I suppose I'm going to need to bend here.

 

She can be ready for bed and in her room, but she will be allowed to stay up a little later.

 

Thank you for helping me see that it was me and not about what was best for her.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

It's all about me. I don't want her going to bed later because I'm ready for "me time" by her usual bedtime and don't want to cut it any shorter. I suppose I'm going to need to bend here.

 

She can be ready for bed and in her room, but she will be allowed to stay up a little later.

 

Thank you for helping me see that it was me and not about what was best for her.

 

Oh, room time is never about the kid. It's about the mom.

 

We've kept two older kids' psyche's intact and are working on the third all the while saying, "Go away now. I'm tired, so go take a nap. Or play in your room. I don't really care. Just go away. I'll love you even more when you come back."

 

My blood pressure literally starts rising after about 9 pm when young kids are not in their rooms resting or sleeping. So it's not about them at all. "If mama ain't happy..." etc. ;)

 

I agree about moving bedtime back, though. Just that "in your room" time can remain the same if you need it to. Books and a nice lamp are very nice things.

[j.griff]

My oldest has always gone to bed when we do, unless she specifically needs to get up earlier for an appointment or something- but even then she usually can't go to sleep "early". We stay up till 11 or 12 normally around here, so i try to get her into bed at 10 on nights that she needs to get more sleep.

[Gamom3]

I have to let 10yr old wake on her own or she is an ill-tail.

I try to have 12yr old up by 8am, if he doesn't wake up on his own.

18yr old needs to be up by 9am..starting this week, he only 1 subject left and he is DONE!

As soon as 18yr old is finished with English in March, he can stay up as long as he wants and get up when he wants.

[Miss Peregrine]

I have a hard time with this, too. My mom made me go to bed at 9 pm when I was a Sr in high school :rolleyes:

 

I really want my kids to decide on their own what time they should go to bed, but in reality, they play around and laugh and get really silly. I have had to take TWO ER trips for stitches when kids were supposed to be "asleep" :mad:

[Storm Bay]

Our 12 yo's bedtime varies throughout the year depending on what's going on in our lives. Right now it's 9:30-10 because she swims until almost 9 pm 3 or 4 nights per week and doesn't need to get up early in the morning. In the summer she'll be swimming in the morning, so we'll adjust accordingly. Normally, I prefer to give them a later bedtime in the summer and not worry about adjusting to clock changes (make the bedtime 1 hour later in daylight savings time) but now that they have some serious activities, that doesn't work.

 

But dh and I need time without our dc and our girls share a room. I do let my 12 yo go to bed 1/2 hour later than my 9 yo, and sometimes even later than that. This is partly so I can have time with each one, and partly because I'm an eldest child and always liked going to be later than my younger siblings so I empathize and let her go later.

[Remudamom]

But they have to be up and dressed in time to go feed cattle with their dad. It didn't take anytime at all for them to go to bed at a decent hour. Same with the girls. They can stay up but they'd better get up too.

[ereks mom]

10 hours before "rising" time, sounds reasonable. So, if you're up at 7am, then 9pm bedtime.

 

 

Same here. Some kids, especially teens/adolescents need up to 12 hours of sleep, but most (including mine) do fine on about 10.

[6packofun]

9:30 was best until puberty hit. Then I simply shifted wakeup time to an hour later and made bedtime 10:30 -11:00.

 

You know when it's time to do the shift when they start lying in bed awake for a LONG time.

 

Exactly the same at our house. Plus, there are sometimes t.v. shows that we enjoy watching with our older ones and so 10:30 or 11 works well. :D

[Michelle T]

but since he's been on ADHD meds, it's a lot harder for him to fall asleep, so now his bedtime is around 10:00. He resists even that, and it is a tiring battle each night to get him quiet and in his room.

 

He gets up between 7-8 each morning, it doesn't really matter to me what time he gets up. We don't start school until 9:30 anyway.

 

I'm quite clear that having a bedtime for him is really all about me. Quite frankly, I'm just DONE by after-dinner-time, and I don't want to hear his endless chatter and silliness anymore. Plus, our house is very small, DS's bedroom is right on the other side of the wall from DH and mine, and so if DS is awake, it makes it really hard for me to enjoy any "adult time", if you KWIM.

Michelle T

[Ann@thebeach]

It's all about me. I don't want her going to bed later because I'm ready for "me time" by her usual bedtime and don't want to cut it any shorter. I suppose I'm going to need to bend here.

 

She can be ready for bed and in her room, but she will be allowed to stay up a little later.

 

Thank you for helping me see that it was me and not about what was best for her.

 

Kudos to you for figuring out the real issue! Sounds like your DD has a great mom :)

[sdWTMer]

and they go in their rooms about 9:00, but don't go to sleep until around 10:00. Lately, they have been both requiring A LOT of sleep too.

[Sharon H in IL]

I've been honest with my boys that their early bedtime is not because they need the sleep. It's because Mother needs some quality adult time, with Father and by herself. And she can't get that with feet pounding around on the stairs or TV noises filtering down.

 

So 8 o'clock is Get Ready for Bed Time. After I read to them, it's Quiet Time. My 11yo son usually falls asleep at 9:30pm, and wakes at 7:30am. They can read, color, trace, or quietly talk, but it better be QUIET or Mama ain't happy. And you know what they say about what happens then.

[Mrs Mungo]

Our younger kids go to bed at 8:30. Our eldest *just* turned 12 and she's now allowed to stay up until 9:30 but she has to stay in her room and read or do homework or whatever. She also has to set her alarm and get herself up at 7 without me having to drag her out of bed, that was part of the deal of getting a later bedtime.

[LaMere Academy]

for a school night we try to get the kids to bed by 9 or 9:30.

My problem is I'm not consistent.

 

For weekends between 10 and 11 is the norm, but I try to keep it around 10 unless we're reading or watching a movie.

 

We're late sleepers though too, I don't expect the kids to be awake until about 8:45AM or so.

[nancypants]

My bedtime at that age was 10 p.m.

 

hth

[OhM]

It's all about me. I don't want her going to bed later because I'm ready for "me time" by her usual bedtime and don't want to cut it any shorter. I suppose I'm going to need to bend here.

 

She can be ready for bed and in her room, but she will be allowed to stay up a little later.

 

Thank you for helping me see that it was me and not about what was best for her.

 

Yes! The same in our house. I NEED "my" 1-2 hours after 9:00pm. Now that the girls are older, I think I need it even more!

 

And bedtime really depends on the kid. I wake both of mine between 6:30-7:00am. Almost-13 dd drops off by 9:30. Just-turned-10 dd rarely hits the pillow before 10:30. She's allowed to do what she likes as long as she's quiet and in her room (and not bugging her sister!!!)

[Jenny in Atl]

Most nights my 12 yr-old is in bed by 10pm. She often stays up longer reading. I do let her sleep in till about 8am most mornings if we have no where to be the first part of the day.

[Rachel]

My twins just turned 13 but what I've noticed is that it really depends on the child as my two have very different sleep needs and routines. My daughter goes to bed by choice at 9pm and wakes up as late as possible (usually 7:30am) and my son goes to bed around 10pm and wakes up bright and early around 6:45am without an alarm clock.

 

I would play with it and see what works rather than setting a time arbitrarily. See how late she can stay up and still get up and function AND BE NICE.......to me that is a big indicator..........anyone can get up and do what they need to, but if you are a grouch, you probably aren't getting enough sleep.

[RenJac1501]

My son is 11 he he goes to bed between 10-10:30

10:30 if he reads his biblical b4 bed time

 

[Kris]

It's only in the past year or so my 15 yo has been able to stay up until about 10:00. For some reason, before that, if he wasn't in bed by 8:00, there was no getting him up in the morning until 9:00 or 10:00. As he was getting older, we tried many times to move it to 9:00, but it just didn't work out.

 

He never did like going to bed even as a baby -- he was afraid he'd miss something, I guess. He didn't sleep through the night until he was three!! He was always up wandering around the house. And then up at the crack of dawn.

 

But as he got older, he still didn't want to go to sleep, but he was a bear to get up in the mornings. That part really hasn't changed much, but at least now he has other incentives to get him up.

[TammyinTN]

When my girls were that age they went to bed at 9:30 with lights out by 10pm...they were up by 7:30am.