Ds 15 yrs, 9th Grade IEW Unit #8 Biographical Essay

[jibaker103]

This is my ds 3rd draft. Please tell me what you think of his writing ability and critique the piece. Thanks!

J.R.R. Tolkien is a man with great imagination and knowledge. Expertly he poured these two attributes of himself into a welding pot which created an epic trilogy of majestic proportions that we have all come to love today, The Lord of the Rings Trilogy. J.R.R. Tolkien’s fascinating childhood along with the fact that he was a literature professor, at Oxford University, never stopped him from doing the one thing that he loved most, writing.

J.R.R. Tolkien, otherwise known as ‘Ronald’ by his family, was born in South Africa in 1892. His father worked in an English bank. One day he was bitten from a Tarantula. A quick thinking nurse drained the venom and healed him. He really did not enjoy Africa. In part, because of his encounter with spiders, they play the role as evil beings in Middle-Earth. Tolkien’s mother died at the age of 34 from diabetes when he was only 12 (Harper, 2005).

Tolkien first met a woman, named Edith Bratt, in a boarding house at the age of 16. Edith was also an orphan and their friendship sparked into an everlasting love. The two were inseparable and did everything together. Well, almost everything. The priest of the orphanage separated them fearing their friendship would prevent Tolkien from completing his future goals. On top of that, he forbade them to be together until Tolkien turned 21. As soon as the age of 21 appeared he found Edith and proposed. They happily married in 1916. So, by 1918, Tolkien acquired a new wife and a new son, who went by the name of John (Harper, 2005).

J.R.R. Tolkien was a war veteran who survived the gruesome battle of World War I, or in other words, The Great War. Several of his college friends died in battle, putting a strain on him as he continued to outsmart death. Luckily, he cheated the grim reaper many times by bouts of fortunate illnesses that kept him off the field of battle and in the hospital for most of the time. It was during these times, in the hospital, that he would create the foundations of the mystical land…Middle-Earth.

J.R.R. Tolkien started his epic trilogy by talking to a friend by the name of C.S. Lewis. Both he and Lewis had a passion for the art of creative writing and together they gave each other millions of wonderful ideas for action packed, fantasy stories. They created two groups of literature writers, the first being the ‘CoalBiters’, and the second being the ‘Inklings’. These two groups gave Tolkien the encouragement he needed to pursue the idea for The Lord of the Rings.

For a job, Tolkien helped design the Oxford New English Dictionary. In 1920 he began teaching literature at Leeds University. In 1925 he returned to Oxford, this time as a professor for Anglo-Saxon literature. During this time period three more children were born by the names of Michael, Christopher, and Priscilla.

Throughout Tolkien’s whole life, everything that he witnessed and everything he accomplished, led to one certain point…That he was one of the greatest mythological writers of his time. With the help of some old friends and a caring wife and kids, he went on a journey that no one else has ever experienced. We thank him for bringing us this fantastic world in The Lord of the Rings Trilogy.

[jibaker103]

The formatting got screwed up when I clicked submit. He had this in MLA style - double spaced and indented.

[regentrude]

I found several issues with the paper which need correction. I specifically noticed three things:

I found that the attempt to use creative wording lead to language I consider a bit too flowery for serious writing.

First person should be avoided.

Generalizations like all and every can not be substantiated and should be avoided.

I'll point out a few specific things:

 

J.R.R. Tolkien is a man with great imagination and knowledge. Expertly he poured these two attributes of himself into a welding pot

what is a welding pot? I know what a melting pot is - but welding???

Flowery language. You can not expertly pour imagination and knowledge.

 

which created an epic trilogy of majestic proportions that we have all come to love today,

Statements like this are problematic: who is we, and how can he claim we all? First person should have no place in an essay.

 

J.R.R. Tolkien’s fascinating childhood along with the fact that he was a literature professor, at Oxford University, never stopped him from doing the one thing that he loved most, writing.

This sentence makes no sense: why should his fascinating childhood stop him from writing? That would be impossible.

 

His father worked in an English bank. One day he was bitten from a Tarantula. A quick thinking nurse drained the venom and healed him. He really did not enjoy Africa. In part, because of his encounter with spiders, they play the role as evil beings in Middle-Earth.

 

Unclear. If the father was bitten (which the sentence means since the pronoun he would refer to the father, not to Tolkien), why do spiders play a role in Middle earth?

 

their friendship sparked into an everlasting love. T

...

As soon as the age of 21 appeared he found Edith and proposed.

Bolded phrases are a bit problematic.

 

They happily married in 1916. So, by 1918, Tolkien acquired a new wife and a new son, who went by the name of John (Harper, 2005).

A new wife? Not the one whom he married in 1916? unclear. Also, one does not acquire a son.

 

Luckily, he cheated the grim reaper many times by bouts of fortunate illnesses that kept him off the field of battle and in the hospital for most of the time.

 

Too flowery language for academic writing.

 

J.R.R. Tolkien started his epic trilogy by talking to a friend by the name of C.S. Lewis.

If he mentions CS Lewis, he should say a few words about him - not just a friend named..

In 1925 he returned to Oxford, this time as a professor for Anglo-Saxon literature.

There is no mention of Tolkien having been in Oxford previously. There is nothing said about Tolkien's education at all.

 

Throughout Tolkien’s whole life, everything that he witnessed and everything he accomplished, led to one certain point…That he was one of the greatest mythological writers of his time.

Again, a generalizing statement: how can he know that everything Tolkien witnessed LED (semantics issue) to this point? Certainly, Tolkien must have seen things that had no bearings on his writing.

 

With the help of some old friends and a caring wife and kids, he went on a journey that no one else has ever experienced.

No one else ever - generalization.

We

thank him for bringing us this fantastic world in The Lord of the Rings Trilogy.

Who is we? Edited April 3, 2011 by regentrude

[jibaker103]

Thank you Regentrude for pointing out all of the issues I have brought to his attention. I will have him read your comments and hopefully he will realize what I have been telling him, all of this time, does not come out of left field!