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Book Discussion: Lies Homeschooling Moms Believe


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I just finished the book Lies Homeschooling Moms Believe by Todd Wilson.

 

The gist of the book (illustrated with cartoons that hit pretty close to home) is that homeschooling moms need to cut themselves a break, that they are driven to feelings of inadequacy and depression by continually comparing themselves to other homeschooling moms. He goes on to say that all homeschooling families and moms have areas that they struggle with, but that we tend to judge others by the small part of their lives that are on public display.

 

I agree with this, so far. The conclusion is where I can't track with him. His solution is for us to not worry so much about what we're doing. Not only about keeping up with the Jones' but also about how many subjects we're tackling and how much we're doing.

 

But I felt like he didn't address the real possibility that I am shorting my kids.

 

Maybe the reason that my kids are falling behind is because I'm too eager to cancel school for a park day or a museum visit or a scout project (all good things individually, but with a time opportunity cost that must be considered). Maybe I'm spending hours on the boards talking about homeschooling instead of doing it. Maybe I'm searching for the perfect curriculum instead of getting 80% of the job done with what I already have. Maybe I'm avoiding school altogether because I don't want to confront the bad work habits and attitudes that I've allowed to fester (in part because they reflect my own).

 

(longer review on my blog)

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I agree that you need to separate real but necessary academic goals from unrealistic goals that you put on yourself and your children. Ditch the unrealistic ones but don't throw out the baby with the bathwater.

 

I think that where I get tripped up on comparisons is when I take the lovely talents that several different families display (hospitality, musical giftedness, robotics, linguistics, travel) and think that I ought to be able to embody all of them. It is easy to forget that the family with the conservatory ready violinists aren't also competitive gymnasts or that the boy who has build his own robot isn't also comfortable with dozens of people at a party.

 

I think the part that rankled me was his suggestion that families who do have special talents or family traits should conceal them so they don't make others feel bad (maybe this was a tongue in cheek comment about grinding grain, but I think it might have been slightly serious).

 

I also happen to think that he also pared down essential academics a bit too far. Does everyone need to be a concert pianist. No. But I don't think it's unreasonable to think that everyone should be exposed to quality music from family sing alongs to patriotic and religious standards to classical. I think the level to which he pared down homeschooling essentials is down to a level that would restrain many homeschoolers from attending college. Probably not his intent.

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To be honest, I only get anxious when I read this board. All the IRL homeschoolers I know have both strengths and weaknesses. Dd is doing fine compared to them, ds is doing fine when I compare him with other asd kids (and I have to STOP comparing him with neurotypical kids for both of our sanity).

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I think the part that rankled me was his suggestion that families who do have special talents or family traits should conceal them so they don't make others feel bad (maybe this was a tongue in cheek comment about grinding grain, but I think it might have been slightly serious).

 

 

:iagree:

His comments on if you bake your own bread, don't tell anyone, really got under my skin. Also, I like to feel encouraged to do better, whereas I felt this book encouraged me to be slothful. I guess to each his own, but it was not a favorite book of mine.

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I'm a little jealous that there is a world where one is able to compare themselves to other homeschoolers. I hardly know any (outside message boards). I have nobody to compare myself to!

 

I know other homeschoolers, but it seems we never talk about what each other is doing. I think we're all afraid that we'll be seen as doing too much or too little. We kind of dance around the issue...

 

I would love to know what the other homeschoolers are really doing all day.

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I know other homeschoolers, but it seems we never talk about what each other is doing. I think we're all afraid that we'll be seen as doing too much or too little. We kind of dance around the issue...

 

I would love to know what the other homeschoolers are really doing all day.

 

Me too! I collect curriculum ideas (though I don't necessarily use them) and I love hearing how other people do things. It's a shame that people are afraid to talk about what they spend an awful lot of time and energy doing because it might intimidate someone else or because they might be judged for it.

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All the IRL homeschoolers I know have both strengths and weaknesses.

 

Here, too. Hs'ers run the gamut just like those in other areas of life. There were one or two who always made me feel like a loser, but overall we did as well or better than the others. I think most hs'ers are just super hard on themselves - so much to prove, so little opportunity to blame someone else if things go wrong. :001_smile:

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I've not heard of this book before, but when I saw the title of your thread, it was a different type of lie that came to my mind. The lies I hear homeschool moms tell themselves and each other are more like:

 

Don't worry, you can't possibly do worse than the public schools!

(Um, yes, you can. I've seen it done.)

 

Don't worry, if Johnny decides to go to community college when he's 17, we'll brush up on math and reading then. Right now he should just enjoy being a kid!

Don't worry, an hour a day of academics is PLENTY! (said with regards to middle school, not first grade)

 

Don't worry, tv, video games, playing at the park, (fill in the blank). is educational and counts as school.

 

Basically, when I hear a homeschooler say "don't worry", I start to worry! I realize we all have different philosophies about this, and I am not trying to be some homeschool snob. But I see a LOT more pushing of relaxed standards than I do of high expectations. Maybe the pressure for perfection was a problem in previous years, but right now it seems the biggest push is for not only lack of worry, but outright lack of concern for academics.

 

Maybe this is a regional thing? Do you guys get this with homeschoolers IRL or is it just me?

 

 

Maybe I'm spending hours on the boards talking about homeschooling instead of doing it.

 

:leaving:

 

:lol:

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No, our local homeschooling group has many members who are unschoolers, from what I can tell. I'm not telling anyone to panic if their eight-year-old can't read, but if it were my eight-year-old, we'd be spending at least an hour a day on pre-reading skills, including plenty of writing.

 

I never talk about what my kids are doing. It would not make me popular.

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I agree that you need to separate real but necessary academic goals from unrealistic goals that you put on yourself and your children. Ditch the unrealistic ones but don't throw out the baby with the bathwater.

 

I've not heard of this book before, but when I saw the title of your thread, it was a different type of lie that came to my mind. The lies I hear homeschool moms tell themselves and each other are more like:

 

Don't worry, you can't possibly do worse than the public schools!

(Um, yes, you can. I've seen it done.)

 

Don't worry, if Johnny decides to go to community college when he's 17, we'll brush up on math and reading then. Right now he should just enjoy being a kid!

Don't worry, an hour a day of academics is PLENTY! (said with regards to middle school, not first grade)

 

Don't worry, tv, video games, playing at the park, (fill in the blank). is educational and counts as school.

 

Basically, when I hear a homeschooler say "don't worry", I start to worry! I realize we all have different philosophies about this, and I am not trying to be some homeschool snob. But I see a LOT more pushing of relaxed standards than I do of high expectations. Maybe the pressure for perfection was a problem in previous years, but right now it seems the biggest push is for not only lack of worry, but outright lack of concern for academics.

 

Maybe this is a regional thing? Do you guys get this with homeschoolers IRL or is it just me?

 

 

I agree with both of these comments. Yes, some women overdo it and try to cram too much in (I have this tendency). Others take a very laid-back attitude that worries me (probably because I have the tendency to overdo it :tongue_smilie:). As I've matured, I've learned to prioritize. Math and language arts skills happen every day, even if craziness erupts and we have to skip history/science/etc. The basics are more important than enjoying every beautiful day (we have done school outside, though) or every field trip opportunity, etc.

 

Seriously, though, there is a philosophy of homeschooling common in my area that discourages things like mom-"forced" learning and textbooks. Many who subscribe to this philosophy treat it like a religion. There is competition to be "pure" in your execution. Purists look down their noses at people who actually (gasp) *require* their dc to do a math or phonics lesson. They believe that kids should only learn what interests them. It's ok for the parent to schedule school time, but not ok for the parent to schedule content. If your kid only wants to read about sharks, let him. Math, meh, he'll learn that when he wants to. If he only wants to play with Legos instead of learning how to read, that's fine. He'll learn how to read when he wants to. So what if he's 12. He'll catch up on all the skills he needs before it's time for college. (So they claim. Barring LDs, I'm not willing to test this with my dc. ;))

 

I used to subscribe to the above philosophies when my kids were very young. By the time my oldest was 7, I realized that this philosophy was a horrible fit for my kids and for me. I haven't seen it work particularly well for anyone else, but I suppose it might work for the right kid. Anyway, I think I'm rambling now. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah. I think some homeschoolers need to loosen up and realize that it is impossible to be superwoman, while others need to step up and actually get some schoolwork done. :)

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I love this book. I've recommended it to moms, but it takes an open mind (and maybe a humble spirit) to be ready for it.

 

If you don't like it, maybe it's just not the book for you, or not right now. For me, it was like having an honest conversation with someone real.

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I'm a little jealous that there is a world where one is able to compare themselves to other homeschoolers. I hardly know any (outside message boards). I have nobody to compare myself to!

 

:iagree: Either this author is all wet, or, as usual, I'm marching to a different instrument, because I had no idea hs mothers were depressed and anxious about keeping up with Jones. I could see how PARents might feel that way. I hear more about how many sports Johnny is excelling in or how many boys are opening a vein to get to know Janie (I hear this at work) from ps school parents.

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I think the part that rankled me was his suggestion that families who do have special talents or family traits should conceal them so they don't make others feel bad (maybe this was a tongue in cheek comment about grinding grain, but I think it might have been slightly serious).

 

 

I haven't read the book but I think this part is just silly. You can't hide special talents or interests. There is a difference between sharing the activities you love and bragging. Bragging can just be rude but sharing would allow everyone to learn a little something. To hide such a thing about your self would end up in lies and cover-ups that would only damage friendships.

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I've not heard of this book before, but when I saw the title of your thread, it was a different type of lie that came to my mind. The lies I hear homeschool moms tell themselves and each other are more like:

 

Don't worry, you can't possibly do worse than the public schools!

(Um, yes, you can. I've seen it done.)

 

Don't worry, if Johnny decides to go to community college when he's 17, we'll brush up on math and reading then. Right now he should just enjoy being a kid!

Don't worry, an hour a day of academics is PLENTY! (said with regards to middle school, not first grade)

 

Don't worry, tv, video games, playing at the park, (fill in the blank). is educational and counts as school.

 

Basically, when I hear a homeschooler say "don't worry", I start to worry! I realize we all have different philosophies about this, and I am not trying to be some homeschool snob. But I see a LOT more pushing of relaxed standards than I do of high expectations. Maybe the pressure for perfection was a problem in previous years, but right now it seems the biggest push is for not only lack of worry, but outright lack of concern for academics.

 

Maybe this is a regional thing? Do you guys get this with homeschoolers IRL or is it just me?

 

 

 

 

:leaving:

 

:lol:

 

I thankfully haven't run into too many IRL homeschoolers like this, but there have been some. One was charming and energetic lady, but struck me as shortchanging her son by expecting that watching cable shows was going to provide him an education. Another one seemed to want to do better by her son, but seemed stuck not knowing which way to turn (and may have been suffering from depression).

 

And yes, I've run into my share of folks who seem to measure themselves more by the cumulative index of school horror stories than by any real achievement (at the schools or in their living rooms).

 

Since the Wilson book was a Christian study guide, I'll put it in these terms. I don't think that God created us to be mediocre. I think he created us for wonderful things. Our schooling should include a desire to encounter and understand the world that he placed us in. It should include a desire to live up to our full potential, not just be better than poor little Johnny down the street.

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My dd was on a college tour and visit last week. She had an interview with her admission counselor. After a bit, the admission counselor called in us (the parents). After some talk about Netherlands (where she was from and where we had enjoyed many visits), she started telling us how much she liked that we had actually taught our daughter. SHe said she gets a number of homeschooling applicants and they are easily lumped into two groups= those who have had a good education (and normally much better than public school) and those who haven't. The ones who haven;t had very lenient parents who didn't force, encourage or whatever higher math or more writing. She said she hates to get the applicants whose mom's let them stop math with Algebra or Geometry because they weren't really interested. It has been my mission in homeschooling groups to always warn about getting behind in math. It is one of the most problematic failures I see in some homeschooling situations.

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I've also noticed this lowering of standards becoming the norm. I also agree that we can do worse than the PS. Scary thought.

Seriously, though, there is a philosophy of homeschooling common in my area that discourages things like mom-"forced" learning and textbooks. Many who subscribe to this philosophy treat it like a religion. There is competition to be "pure" in your execution. Purists look down their noses at people who actually (gasp) *require* their dc to do a math or phonics lesson.
:iagree: Like a religion with purists. So true!
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I haven't read this book, but...

 

Why does everyone else need to change what they're doing/saying to keep you (the author) from feeling threatened. :chillpill:.

 

It is important to realize that there is no one person who is doing everything right. If you get to know that seemingly perfect homeschool family, you'll find out that they have flaws just like you. No one is doing everything right.

 

Relax shouldn't mean let the standards slide. Relax should mean that you are genuinely happy for others' successes, rather than feeling threatened by them, as you set realistic goals and encourage your kids to do their personal best in everything.

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Isn't is a shallow, insecure person who can't rejoice in the talents or good fortune of another person? (Or to put it in the theological sense, why should we be jealous of other parts of the body rather than delighting in their gifts?)

 

When we moved from Europe to Hawaii, we (including the kids) were very excited about the wonderful experiences we'd had touring the corners of the continent. I learned that I needed to curb my enthusiasm because others found it too hard to enjoy our travels vicariously rather than thinking us snooty.

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I love this book. I've recommended it to moms, but it takes an open mind (and maybe a humble spirit) to be ready for it.

 

If you don't like it, maybe it's just not the book for you, or not right now. For me, it was like having an honest conversation with someone real.

 

It did have some good things to say and I'm glad I read it. For that matter, I thought that Help I'm Married to a Homeschool Mom was a riot and I'll try to attend one of his workshops in Cincy.

 

I just thought that it was only one side of the conversation. Yes, the families in matching and probably home sewn dresses on the covers of homeschool magazines can be intiminadating. And yes, we need to guard against measuring ourselves (and our children) against two dimensional characterizations of what is real in other families. And I think that we need to stop kidding ourselves that there is a curriculum out there that will make us into overachieving supermoms with compliant children. We need to stop pushing heavy text books onto kids who aren't even kindergarten age yet and take time to snuggle them and read to them.

 

But I thought that there was a whole other side of lies that we tell ourselves. And that it would have been worth addressing that sometimes we really aren't putting enough effort in. Maybe we're just sidetracked by "good" things. Maybe we've been deceived by other lies (any homeschooling is better than all other options, for example).

 

(And no, I haven't been accused of being a humble spirit in a number of decades.)

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But I felt like he didn't address the real possibility that I am shorting my kids.

 

Maybe the reason that my kids are falling behind is because I'm too eager to cancel school for a park day or a museum visit or a scout project (all good things individually, but with a time opportunity cost that must be considered). Maybe I'm spending hours on the boards talking about homeschooling instead of doing it. Maybe I'm searching for the perfect curriculum instead of getting 80% of the job done with what I already have. Maybe I'm avoiding school altogether because I don't want to confront the bad work habits and attitudes that I've allowed to fester (in part because they reflect my own).

 

I haven't read the book, but I think your observations are interesting. I've recently come to the conclusion that home is simply not the best environment for focused academic activity. There is way too much "life" going on - trips to the shop, cleaning (ha ha), appointments, social engagements and so much other stuff. And although I've become very strict on not allowing playdates and excursions to impact on our school day, the rest of the points you mention definitely impact negatively on our homeschooling, and I think focusing more on my own issues would be more helpful than 'worrying less".

 

Edited to add that I think it takes a fairly "humble spirit" to acknowledge ones own faults and the role they play in situations...

Edited by nd293
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My son attends a school program for home schoolers through the public school two mornings a week. Because my son has ADHD and needs sensory breaks during school time, my husband or I attend class with him. We have been cleared to work with the other children in the class as well so we see what they are capable of academically. All of these kids are home schooled. I have no idea what methods most of the parents are using, but honestly I'm shocked at their skills or lack thereof. This class is K and 1st grade mixed and only a couple of the kids can actually read and as far as I can tell my son is the only one who is reading beyond CVC words. The writing is...worrisome. Many or most cannot make proper manuscript letters and those who do, do not form them properly. Many do not even know the sounds of the letters. When they ask for help with spelling a word, I will ask them what sound they hear for the first letter of the word and they cannot answer!!

 

For math, my son goes to another classroom which is 1st and 2nd graders and he can easily do all of the math that is presented and surpasses many (he is in kindergarten).

 

Beginning in third grade all of the students are tested and the scores are abysmal. I find this information so interesting because I don't know where else you can see testing stats for home schoolers. (I'm sure it exists, I just don't know where.)

 

Scale: % meeting or exceeding standards

 

Grade 3

Reading

64% (2010)

The state average for Reading was 72% in 2010.

 

Math

36% (2010)

The state average for Math was 62% in 2010.

 

Source: WA OSPI, 2009-2010

 

 

Grade 4

Reading

55% (2010)

The state average for Reading was 67% in 2010.

 

Writing

41% (2010)

The state average for Writing was 61% in 2010.

 

Math

32% (2010)

The state average for Math was 54% in 2010.

Source: WA OSPI, 2009-2010

 

 

Grade 5

Reading

48% (2010)

The state average for Reading was 70% in 2010.

 

Science

13% (2010)

The state average for Science was 34% in 2010.

 

Math

30% (2010)

The state average for Math was 54% in 2010.

Source: WA OSPI, 2009-2010

 

 

Grade 6

Reading

53% (2010)

The state average for Reading was 65% in 2010.

 

Math

40% (2010)

The state average for Math was 52% in 2010.

Source: WA OSPI, 2009-2010

 

 

Grade 7

Reading

40% (2010)

The state average for Reading was 63% in 2010.

 

Writing

p.gifData not available for this school (2010)

The state average for Writing was 70% in 2010.

 

Math

33% (2010)

The state average for Math was 55% in 2010.

 

 

Grade 8

Reading

57% (2010)

The state average for Reading was 69% in 2010.

 

Science

36% (2010)

The state average for Science was 55% in 2010.

 

Math

14% (2010)

The state average for Math was 52% in 2010.

 

 

So by 8th grade only 14% are meeting or exceeding standards in math. Again, I don't know the methods that are being used by these home schoolers, but I do know that many that I talk to at our stage state they are unschoolers and unschooling is very popular in this area. However, what it does show me is that there may actually be a bit too much relaxing going on around here. We're obviously not in that boat because people usually look at me crazy whenever I answer their questions about what we're doing.

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It did have some good things to say and I'm glad I read it. For that matter, I thought that Help I'm Married to a Homeschool Mom was a riot and I'll try to attend one of his workshops in Cincy.

 

I just thought that it was only one side of the conversation. Yes, the families in matching and probably home sewn dresses on the covers of homeschool magazines can be intiminadating. And yes, we need to guard against measuring ourselves (and our children) against two dimensional characterizations of what is real in other families. And I think that we need to stop kidding ourselves that there is a curriculum out there that will make us into overachieving supermoms with compliant children. We need to stop pushing heavy text books onto kids who aren't even kindergarten age yet and take time to snuggle them and read to them.

 

But I thought that there was a whole other side of lies that we tell ourselves. And that it would have been worth addressing that sometimes we really aren't putting enough effort in. Maybe we're just sidetracked by "good" things. Maybe we've been deceived by other lies (any homeschooling is better than all other options, for example).

 

(And no, I haven't been accused of being a humble spirit in a number of decades.)

 

Lol, Sebastian. I'm pretty sure I'm not as humble as I ought to be, either!:)

 

I haven't read any of the author's other books, and I haven't heard him speak, and, to be honest, it's been over two years since I read this one. I just remember really liking it and recommending it to moms who were feeling burnt out. One actually bought it and found it comforting.

 

You know, we all come from a different place. I believe deeply, so very deeply, in family, in marriage, in breastfeeding and bonding and homeschooling and just very deep, honest, loving connection with my husband and children. This is what I sensed from the author, too. Maybe he and I are both wrong to believe what we believe. Maybe neither of us puts enough emphasis on academics. Maybe just reading, reading, reading isn't really enough. Maybe it's better to have 2 or 3 really highly-trained academic children than 7 somewhat-trained voracious readers. I don't know. I do know I liked the spirit I sensed in him. I appreciated the honesty and I find it rare in the crowd he tends to hang with. Maybe I'm wrong about that, too. Maybe I'm just blind. I'm probably not well enough acquainted with all the different types of homeschoolers out there. I certainly was surprised last fall to see lower standards of behavior and academics among the homeschoolers I was in contact with in America. Sometimes it surprises me on the hs board, too.

 

But it's not my issue. Those parents have to live with themselves. They are going to pay the price, as well as their kids, for the choices they are making, just like I am. It is sad that some parents don't know better, and I really am not sure what to do about that, either. We can try to share what we believe to be true and helpful with people, but people make their own choices. If I want freedom, I have to respect other people's freedom, too, though it is hard to know where the limits are. What a huge debate that is!

 

I really appreciate your bringing this up, because I would like to reread the book. I seem to remember things I disagree with him about (I really do think eating whole foods is important), but that wasn't the essence of the book for me. Dh is in our home in America right now, and I may ask him to bring this book back with him. I could use some kind, heartwarming encouragement, and that is what I remember from that book.:)

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I agree entirely with this paragraph from your blog:

 

Yes, "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." But that includes me, it doesn't excuse me. Instead of waving a magic wand and excusing homeschooling moms of feelings of guilt, I wish that the book had considered, even for a moment, that the guilty feelings might stem from some sins of omission and commission on the part of homeschooling moms.

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You're right that it can be an encouraging book. A kind word that unfounded comparisons with other homeschoolers (either IRL or in magazines or online) may cause you to second guess what you are doing. A constant looking toward others to measure where you are can lead to burnout when you think that you aren't measuring up. (This is sort of what I read into posts from mothers of toddlers asking what history or science curriculum to get. And why they often don't seem to understand the replies that go along the line of, just sit and read with them, go look around outside at nature and animals and rainbows.)

 

What I felt was missing was an idea that we are created for great things. We have enormous capacity to learn and understand the world around us. Scholars have categorized the world into subject headings like science and math. History describes the world as it once was. Literature is a glimpse of the world through a selective lens that crystalizes human emotion and reactions into a limited circumstance. I believe that the world was created by God for his glory. So it is worth my time to learn as much about it as I can, not as an automaton, but because it tells me more about the creator. (I'm going down this tangent in part because the book was a Bible based book.)

 

What I got from the book was that it was wrong to center your homeschool and your self worth around your perception of all the unREAL impressions that you had of other homeschoolers. What I didn't find in it was the suggestion that we needed to also develop a more REAL view of what we were doing. Maybe there are places where we need to really batten down the hatches and work harder. Maybe we're putting a lot of effort into areas that aren't that important and that are distracting us from what is.

 

(Whole foods, for example, might be what you need to move toward in order to support healthier eathing. Or it might be that you are spending hours with your menus and grain mill and not enough time with your children. Work, volunteering, hospitality, hobbies, activism, planning for next year can all become focuses that take our mind off of God and our time away from more important things.)

 

I just sort of felt like there were a couple chapters missing from the book. I liked much of what I read, but it felt like it was the big windup for something that didn't appear. After all sloth is a sin too. (I did like the parts that reflected for me how silly some of the agitating I do over homeschool related issues is.)

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Haven;t read the replies yet, but I wrote a blog post about that book and what bugged me about it here a few years ago.

 

 

I was in a hurry last night when I posted this, but I actually went back and read my old blog post, and wanted to post some things directly here:

 

*************************************************

 

From page 34:

 

This lie has sprung from pure motives of good people trying to help each other eat more healthily, but it has become a heavy weight most moms carry ... Good cooking catchphrases have become badges of spirituality.

 

Moms proudly announce that they bake their own bread ... grind their own wheat ... eliminate processed sugars ... eat only raw vegetables ... and love to throw a little chickweed on their salads.

 

Maybe you like to do some of those things I mentioned. If you do, that's great ... BUT keep it to yourself!

 

 

Really??

What's particularly funny about this is that the author spends quite a bit of time talking about how important it is to "be real" and have people you can "be real" with, and we all need to start "being real." I guess you're only allowed to be real when it makes you look bad!

 

Other things that struck me as "off" in that book:

 

 

1) He talks about the lie "Everybody else loves homeschooling" and says that some homeschooling mothers hate everything about homeschooling, and only do it because it brings good results.

 

To me, this is kind of a shocking statement. If you hate everything about something that takes a good chunk of your day, and directly involves your kids ... well, maybe something is wrong ....? Or maybe you should re-consider doing it?

 

But all he offers in reponse to this is his, "Hey, no big deal. You're not the only one. Lots of other mothers also hate it!" To me this is not very useful or helpful.

 

 

2) On page 81:

God makes no mistakes. It's also true that God gave your children exactly the mother they needed ... If God wanted someone better than you to be your children's mother, He would have done that ... if you want someone better to teach your children, you'll find no one. You are the best. You're number one!

 

I've heard this sort of thing before, and it kinda bugs me.

The idea seems to be, "God made you the parent of these children, so whatever you're doing with them is just fine. And you're the best teacher for them, no matter what."

 

Well, that doesn't impress me. And it seems like a huge way to avoid any self-examination or improvement. And for that matter, I personally think sometimes an outside teacher would be better, for various reasons.

 

 

3) I agree that his personal list of what was important academically, and what you could skip was almost shockingly light. I also thought it was funny when his rationale for not needing history (or something) was something like, "My wife never studied that, and it's no problem .... she's still capable of taking care of the housework just fine." [i'm not looking at the book right now, so maybe that's not accurate, but that's how it struck me at the time.]

 

 

One other thing, and no one else mentioned this, so maybe there's something wrong with me ... But the whole idea of a man writing books and giving talks strictly to women about something that he himself has never done seems awfully condescending to me. Could you even imagine if that were reversed, and if a woman went around giving talks to roomfuls of men, telling them how to be better in some male-dominated career that she herself had never been in? Would any of those men even consider listening to her?

 

Overall, I liked parts of the book, and I know many women found it very encouraging. But it seemed to have the same problem that was discussed in this thread. In the name of encouragement, people say things like, "Don't worry about it ... you're a great mom ... subjects aren't important anyway ... whatever you're doing is fine .... God will take care of it ..." and, especially when you nothing about the person you're giving that advice to, I don't find it useful or helpful.

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Can I just say that one of the homeschool lies some of the moms I know believe is that their kids can learn by osmosis. And that if they just call themselves homeschoolers somehow the kids are better off both academically and morally than public schoolers.

 

The only ones that I've seen get depressed and worried are the ones who should probably be depressed and worried because they truly aren't working with their kids on a regular basis. Oh, yes, there may be some with LDs but they refuse to address those as well - they just keep slogging through and assume their kids are going to go to college - with scholarships! Why, because they believe that all homeschoolers outperform public schoolers and colleges highly recruit all homeschoolers!

 

OK, rant over. But really, in my area, there is far too much emphasis on "not worrying" "not comparing" "not stressing". Right now I know a young lady who is in 10th grade working through 7th grade material because her mom believed the lie. This young lady wants to go to college and is working year round to try to get on grade level. She wasn't taught anything until mid 4th grade. (Her mom passed away at that time and dad remarried-new mom saw the problem and is working to remedy it).

 

I wish someone would write a realistic, well balanced book about homeschool.

Edited by CynthiaOK
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I think that where I get tripped up on comparisons is when I take the lovely talents that several different families display (hospitality, musical giftedness, robotics, linguistics, travel) and think that I ought to be able to embody all of them. It is easy to forget that the family with the conservatory ready violinists aren't also competitive gymnasts or that the boy who has build his own robot isn't also comfortable with dozens of people at a party.

 

 

 

Yes, this is what gets me - one friend who has her kids write letters to the sick and elderly each week, another who's son is excelling in music, another who's kids are learning to farm, etc. All wonderful things that I admire and value. And I imagine that others are seeing all the negatives in my family (oh, look how disobedient and LOUD her 4yo is, and how scatterbrained her 8yo is - and what horrible handwriting, her 15yo is so anti-social and can't communicate, etc.).

 

These are some needless things that can add stress to a parent if they don't see that their family is particularly given to them by God, and that God has promised to give them what they need to raise their kids. And of course, we have the responsibility to take this seriously no matter what educational route we take.

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OK, rant over. But really, in my area, there is far to much emphasis on "not worrying" "not comparing" "not stressing". Right now I know a young lady who is in 10th grade working through 7th grade material because her mom believed the lie. This young lady wants to go to college and is working year round to try to get on grade level.

 

 

:iagree:

 

I know one girl who has her heart set on college doing Algebra I for 11th grade. I talked to her about taking her PSATs last summer (while there was still time to take them), but another homeschooling mom convinced their family that testing was unnecessary. :001_huh: I really like this girl and I think her heart is going to be broken when she starts applying for colleges. She's so not prepared.

 

I cringe on these boards when I see posts like, "We've decided on no science or math this year". What gets me is that they'll get 50 posts encouraging them! :tongue_smilie:

 

Oh well. Not my kids, not my family, not my place to judge, I suppose.

 

The thing, though, about comparing ourselves to others whom we perceive to be doing a better job than we are ... I honestly, honestly don't understand why people get depressed about this! In my own life, I have quite the opposite reaction. When I read a thread or meet a person doing X, whereas I have been slipping in X (whether it be house cleaning, math, science experiments, gardening, or whatever), my natural instinct is energized evaluation of what I'm doing and inspiration to act. Seriously, it's like a second wind for me.

 

And, if it's something I could care less about (we grow our own wheat, grind it, and bake it fresh every morning or we grow our own cotton, spin it, and make all of our own clothes with patterns that we designed!), I just shake my head and giggle. Good for you, but certainly not for me! :D

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I read the book and recommend it all the time. It's geared to HS moms who are overdoing it or are tempted to add more to a full plate and stressing about it. It's not geared to people calling themselves homeschoolers but aren't doing any (or much) homeschooling. He assumes the reader is a conscientious and diligent hser. If he had assumed otherwise it would have been insulting to the reader-bad social skills and bad business for an author.

 

Comparisons are particularly treacherous in the hs community because there are as many different way to hs as there are hs families. Even people hsing by the same approach and curriculum can vary dramatically. Goals vary too. Wilson advises us it's best to keep our eyes on our own priorities and our own family rather than watching everyone else around us for the measure of our success or failure. That is still perfectly compatible with self-examination.

 

As I recall, (It's been a while-might be another of his books) there was a section on not being the braggy hser. If you've never run into one, you will someday. I've met two in the 11 years I've hsed. The only thing they can talk about is how incredibly successful their little geniuses are. They go on and on about how far ahead of their peers their kids are and where their children are placing in competitions and what their scores and grade levels are. This is frustrating to some hs moms.

 

TWTM forums are not a place populated with easily intimidated hsers, but there are those refugees from the ps system who lack confidence and we need to be sensitive to them and encourage them.

 

If you've never run into the battle of the pure food elites, you're going to be shocked. It's the same principle as the braggy hser, but the focus is on eating "clean." Now I have LOTS of vegan, vegetarian, whole foods eating, clean eating friends and almost all of them are perfectly reasonable and sweet people that have never been annoying.

 

There is one who is nuts and goes on about what she eats and why when no one asked. She cannot have a conversation about anything without getting to how food is the source of all medical and emotional issues. Ugh! It's the solution to everything, and there are a few mothers who seem to want to try to be as pure about it too, which is an annoyance to everyone else. I went to a hs gathering where the hostess was one of these people. Everyone brought something to share and she wouldn't allow the non-organic food to be served to anyone-not just her kids. Notice his qualifier, "badge of spirituality." It's the attitude behind it, not the thing itself that is the issue.

 

Generally speaking, Wilson has a "pioneer" homeschooling mindset (so do I) which assumes children were designed by God (or by Nature depending on your religious/philosophical beliefs) to learn in the structure of a family. If a hser does not hold to this view because they have a "settler" or "refugee" mindset, they will not connect with this. That's perfectly fine. This section of the book may not be for you.

 

At the time of writing I believe he had 8 children closely spaced. For women who have not schooled children through pregnancy with an infant and a couple of preschoolers in addition to students doing academics, it may seem odd to think of hsers using strong words like "hate" without deciding to quit. I only have 3 kids widely spaced, but most of my HS friends have 5-7 children closely spaced, and they have more challenges than the rest of us. Tolerating some strong language from them is helpful to them so they can vent while still living according to their convictions.

 

I don't think there is anything strange about a man watching hsing from the front row telling this wife and other hsers that they're doing a good job (most are.) How many threads are there about lack of support for hsers? I think warm encouragement is something every hser could use. Who cares who provides it?

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I think Wilson was involved in ministry before becoming an author, and I bet he had a lot of moms coming to him worried about whether or not they were doing a good job. Probably this, plus what he heard from his own wife, plus just a sense of compassion moved him to write that book. And maybe he just sensed it would sell well!:D

 

We probably all have areas where we are really critical of other people, where we are just sure we know where their sins are, and how they could really improve themselves. But it probably is best if we just lead by example.

 

If you are naturally confident and sure of your approach, this book probably isn't for you.

 

Once again, thanks for starting this discussion, Sebastian.:)

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It sounds like a book that is totally irrelevant to my own experience of hanging out with many other homeschooling women of a wide range of approaches. I didn't see much comparing at all in any sort of compeititive way, or one upping. We tended to work out who was using what approach and respect them for it- I was known as a "classical" homeschooler and new homeschoolers were often referred to me who expressed an interest in that. I have a homeschooling friend who is a natural learner and the truth is she was fascinated with what us classical people were doing- and I was always very curious as to what her children were doing since our kids were friends and similar ages. I wanted to know if the grass was greener, and she knew I was a resource for learning about curricula (I was also knows as a curricula junkie :) )

I know deeply Christian homeschoolers who do "school at home" using a very Christian approach and don't identify as classical but also were curious about some aspects.

I dont know if I ever made other mums feel inadequate but I don't remember bragging about what my kids had done- I just shared what we were doing, not so much what we had achieved.

I also turned a few people onto Flylady and helped with organisational stuff- because that was what I had learned in my journey.

I just never remember worrying I wasnt doing enough because of seeing what other women were doing IRL (probably because we did plenty anyway). I worried after coming here but I also found my own balance. That takes a few years.

Seems a strange topic to write a book about, to me, and unless he has taken kids through to college level, I am not sure he would even be qualified as an expert at all on the issue. Maybe he wrote it to make his wife feel better because she was a worrying type?

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