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Late Logic, Literary Response Essay, Rough Draft, Lord of the Flies


Wildiris
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Re-post from writing workshop thread.

 

DD~13 sent me this essay via email as her rough draft, I commented in red and a final comment at the end. I turned in the final draft to her independent study teacher, but I think I'm the only one who read the paper. This is her first attempt at writing this type of paper.

 

I am not looking for comments. I am posting this so others can see how this 8th grader writes. I assume her writing is on target for 8th grade, but if I am wrong please leave a comment and correct me. Perhaps we need to work more on this type of writing.

 

Thanks,

Iris

 

 

1/25/11

English

 

 

What Evil Lurks in the Hearts of Men

 

 

You want to give the author’s name after the title. E.g. [The] Lord of the Flies by___Golding…Indent each paragraph five spaces. Your tab button should already be calibrated to do this.

The Lord of the Flies is a story that has been read for decades past and will be read for decades to come. Why is this one piece of literature so famous? Because of it’s[close this word] theme. It’s simple statement that evil can be found in all of us. This story shows how a group of innocent schoolboys turn into to murdering savages. Schoolboys are always portrayed as the epitome of innocent, so when Golding shows them as savages, it proves that any of us, no matter how pure, can turn into something that would be abhorred.

 

Our [This is not our story but Golding’s story that become humanity’s story] story starts out with a group of British schoolboys being [Passive] stranded on an uninhabited island [The setting is more than just this. When in time does this story take place and how does it contribute to the theme?]. In the beginning, [the comma isn’t necessary] they try to organize. They select a leader, Ralph, who assigns tasks to groups of people [boys?] and they start [try for a sny. Here] to learn to live on the island. Jack, the antagonist of sorts [why sorts?], soon comes forward with his group of choir boys and offers their services as hunters. Their first catch is a wild pig, but in order to catch it, they leave the signal fire [unattended] just as a ship is passing by. If they had not left that fire, [comma not necessary] they would not have not turned into the savages they would have been rescued] that they would be in the future. After their first kill, the thrill of the hunt overtakes them [who is “them�] and they begin to hunt for sport rather than in [is the word “in†necessary?] necessity.

 

Later, [do you need a comma?] an aerial battle takes place above the island and a dead pilot falls onto the island. It is his parachute that plays a big part in the turning of the schoolboys [incomplete thought-what do mean by turning?]. It causes the children [boys?] to think that there is a ‘beast’[double quotesâ€] on the island. Ralph and Jack go to investigate and find the corpse and parachute, but mistake it for the beast sleeping. This leads up to the boys dividing, [period or semi-colon here] Ralph’s group wanting to maintain the fire and Jack’s group wanting to kill the beast. Jack’s group starts growing more savage, performing tribal dances and using mud as face paint. Ralph said once, “What are we? Humans? Or animals? Or savages? What’s [recheck this quote it doesn’t readright]grown-ups going to think?†(79) They were human,but if looked upon, they would be considered savages or animals.

 

[is this the climax of the story?]One night while in the middle of a tribal dance, Simon stumbles into the ring to tell them that the beast is not a beast, but merely the dead body of the pilot. In the frenzy of the dance, they mistake him for the beast and[ beast] him to [dead], all the while chanting, “Kill the beast! Cut his throat! Spill his blood!†(168) They then [do you need “thenâ€] set about hunting Ralph’s group. Roger [Who is roger and what is his part in the story?] even makes a stick on which to mount Ralph’s head. They succeed in killing Piggy [Who is Piggy and what ishis significance in the story?] by rolling a huge boulder onto him and [then] set the forest a fire in an attempt to bring Ralph out. As it is so aptly put in [The] Lord of the Flies, they were savages, it was true, but they were human. (169) They were humans that allowed the evil that lurked within them to take over.

 

That is the message that[ I No I pronouns in academic writing] see in [The] Lord of the Flies, that any of us, given the right circumstances, can unleash the evil that resides within all of us. The theme can be overshadowing[ though this makes your writing sound less convincing]. In many places it takes over from the plot, making the book seem as though it was only written for it’s theme. Even if it was though, it may take a story only told for this one purpose to convey this theme.

 

 

I’m sorry I didn’t read this before now. I understand your thesis, but you write about it in a very superficial manner which does not support your thesis well. The book is called Lord of the Flies. Indent paragraphs. Use a 12 point font.

I want you to clean this paper up, trying to include some of my suggestions in your final draft. I think you will do better on your next paper. I will leave enough time to give you feedback and for you to rewrite another draft the next time around. These are the types of papers you will be expected to write in high school. In your final read through of your paper, remove unnecessary words, and be on the lookout for passive construction. The verb “be†will alert you to passives.

Edited by Wildiris
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