Jump to content

What's with the ads?


Photo

Do your parents play favorites with their adult children?


  • Please log in to reply
60 replies to this topic

What's with the ads?

#1 beachmom

beachmom

    Hive Mind Level 2 Worker: Nurse Bee

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 111 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 07:58 AM

Do any of you deal with parental favoritism among adult children? I'm wondering if I'm the only one who hears about this sibling or that and they're the "poor baby" who needs help, sympathy, etc.

#2 Heather in Neverland

Heather in Neverland

    Princess Consuela Bananahammock

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 7483 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 08:31 AM

Yep. I am the only girl, the oldest and the "love child" that was brought into the marriage. And I am the favorite. I have two younger brothers. My entire life (including now) I have been held to higher standards than my borthers and my mom makes excuses for them. But she has always treated me as "special" and I know it is because I am the child she had with the only man she truly loved (who later died).

#3 beachmom

beachmom

    Hive Mind Level 2 Worker: Nurse Bee

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 111 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 08:51 AM

Yep. I am the only girl, the oldest and the "love child" that was brought into the marriage. And I am the favorite. I have two younger brothers. My entire life (including now) I have been held to higher standards than my borthers and my mom makes excuses for them. But she has always treated me as "special" and I know it is because I am the child she had with the only man she truly loved (who later died).


I didn't think to put "higher standards" in there but that fits. I am sick and tired of watching a perfectly competent grown person get a "pass" on budgeting their personal finances, not visiting their parents, being all-around insensitive, etc.

#4 Margo out of lurking

Margo out of lurking

    Empress Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 2815 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 08:51 AM

Do any of you deal with parental favoritism among adult children? I'm wondering if I'm the only one who hears about this sibling or that and they're the "poor baby" who needs help, sympathy, etc.


My dh has heard all his life about how wonderful his two siblings are, "M is doing this!" "B came to see me!" "M took me to dinner!" ad nauseum. I finally pointed out the likelihood that his siblings hear the exact same wonderful comments about him. (I honestly believe he is the favorite.)

It makes sibling relationships strained. I think his mom prefers this; she wants to be in the center of things and would prefer that everyone have a closer relationship to her than anyone else.

In reality, it makes everyone miserable, and in truth, her kids have gone to great lengths to avoid her.

My parents have never shown any favoritism, even when sometimes treating my sister and me differently due to life circumstances. My mom does make about her #1 son--who is my dh, since she has no boys and no other sons-in-law, haha.

#5 Carrie12345

Carrie12345

    Apprentice Bee Keeper

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 7600 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 08:54 AM

I'm the "easy" child (today, certainly not in the past, lol). I'm also out of state. My sisters "need" my mother and stepfather much more than I do, and are obviously more accessible. That makes it very easy for me to feel cast off, no matter how hard I try to see it differently.

#6 Heigh Ho

Heigh Ho

    Amateur Bee Keeper

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 7400 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 09:07 AM

My parents did not, my inlaws do. They also play favs with the grandchildren.

It is a control issue, we don't play the game and we ignore the comments. We do not give money, as we feel the 'poor baby' can turn the tv off, get off the couch and go work if he needs more.

#7 Eleni

Eleni

    Hive Mind Level 5 Worker: Forager Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 349 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 09:09 AM

I was my dad's favorite, and he was my best friend. My younger brother got everything from my mom and it made my older sister upset.
They are both gone now, so it really doesn't matter anymore. My dad died 12 years ago, and my mom last January.

#8 HelenNotOfTroy

HelenNotOfTroy

    Hive Mind Level 2 Worker: Nurse Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 528 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 09:12 AM

My parents show obvious preference for my brother, as they always have. I am the girl, though, and they talk to me more often and I am the one they talk to about important topics most of the time. My husband's parents are worse, his sister is the very obvious favorite. His father spends time doing things with her husband and not with his own sons, and not because they couldn't do the same things with him.

#9 AlmiraGulch

AlmiraGulch

    And your little dog, too.

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6951 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 09:14 AM

My mother has always favored the under dog (or whomever she perceives is the under dog) and that has never been me. She doesn't seem to like me very much most of the time. We're pretty different. The ones who have screwed up have always been the ones she gravitates toward. She had the nerve to say to me that everything has always come "easy' to me. Fallen into my lap, she said.

Yeah.....not so much.

#10 MeaganS

MeaganS

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 2119 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 09:21 AM

Definitely. My mom favors my younger sister. I was the oldest and they hardly ever paid for anything I did (prom dress, college, insurance), but they do for my younger siblings. My sister and my mom are pretty much the exact same person, so it's no wonder my mom favors her. I'm totally set with my life (married, kids, no need for parental help anymore) and she is just about to get married to my mom's best friend's son. I can't I'm mostly ok with it because I really don't think I have a ton in common with my mom anymore, but sometimes it hurts my feelings.

ETA: I think my husband may be a favorite of his parent's, though, at least among the boys.

#11 lovinmyboys

lovinmyboys

    Hive Mind Level 2 Worker: Nurse Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 335 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 09:23 AM

I think every adult has people they prefer to other people. As long as they are treating my family fine, I don't worry about what they do with the others.

My ILs definately help out other siblings more than us. Some of them really do need more help and others they are just closer to-its true. It doesn't mean they don't love us, but our personalities and priorities are just different than theirs.

My mom was really given a bashing by my SIL last year and it hurt her deeply. My SIL accused her of favoritism because she spent more time with my kids than hers. That is a true statement, but my mom spends tons of time with her kids too and her kids adore my mom. We lived closer and sought them out more. Plus, DH was deployed so my mom helped me a couple nights a week (when he left I had 3yr, 1yr, and newborn). Also, my mom knew that after the deployment we were moving, so she was trying to create special memories with my kids. The other grands still live 30 minutes away so she sees them regularly.

I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I think *most* parents love their kids equally, but they may "click" with some more than others for various reasons.

#12 Renthead Mommy

Renthead Mommy

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 2628 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 09:24 AM

Yes, and it runs in families.

My whole life I've seen and heard my grandparents favor my uncle over my mother (who is 4 years older). He's the one they've always discussed things with. I think my grandfather had 'women aren't as smart as men' mentality. My mother has always refered to my uncle as 'the golden boy' who has never done anything wrong.

Since my grandfather died, my grandmother is needing help with things. Mainly because now that he's gone, we are seeing the issues she is having with memory and such. My mother is 6 hours away. My uncle is a day's drive. My parents visit often. My step dad is a financial guy. Anytime anything ever came up, if my step dad said "well our company never liked to move that way" or something, they'd never heed that advice unless my uncle said the same. Currently many things are falling on my mother to take care of, but my g'ma won't do anything suggested by my mother. But if my uncle says the same thing, it's like the words came from god himself!

Surprisingly, or actually I guess not surprisingly, my mother acts somewhat the same way towards my brother and I. Not as badly, but it's still there. My brother is also the 'golden boy'. The similarities have been pointed out to my mother by both me and my step father (I was 28 when they married).

She kind of blows it off and gives me the "Yes, but you're so strong and independent, your brother needs me more... yada, yada, yada" insert giant eyeroll here. The thing that is the most frustrating is, if my mother were to be in my g'mas position, I would be stuck dealing with the 'duties' and the 'expected' but my brother would ride in occassionally, taking time out of his oh so busy schedule, make time for my mother, go through whatever she asked him to go through, and help her with whateve decsions/issues would need to be done. Just like my uncle is now doing. The big difference is my brother would be ballsy enough to call me and ask me for all my research on whatever the issue is, instead of doing his own, and base all his info to my mom on my research. Luckily I'm not to worried about this now because my step father pretty much has everything financially planned out to take care of itself and is planning on moving them to a community in a few years so that when issues do come up as they age, they are already in a set community equiped to deal with it.

I know my place on my mother's totem pole and have accepted it. I only move up on it by my brother screwing up. At times he shifts lower than me. But I don't move because of who I am or by my doing. And eventually he moves back to his 'rightful' place high up on the totem.

The relationship between my brother and I, my mother and uncles, what I saw of my g'ma and her sister as well as what I heard about my g'pa and his 11 siblings held a lot of weight in our decision to have only one child.

#13 Laurie4b

Laurie4b

    Qualified Bee Keeper

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 8759 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 09:27 AM

Yep. On both sides of the family. Neither dh nor I is the favorite. Money is spent pretty evenly. Time is incredibly lop-sided. I don't know whether I still care or not.

#14 UnsinkableKristen

UnsinkableKristen

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 1432 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 09:36 AM

No, there really isn't much favoritism in our families.

My brother tends to get a little more time and money from my (now divorced) parents, but that is also because he's made a lot of life choices that make things much harder for him now. I made pretty conventional choices and therefore need no/less help. But, while my parents don't do anything for him that they wouldn't do for me if I needed it, they don't praise me anymore than they praise him when he makes good choices. My Dad lives closer to my brother, so he spends more time with him and helps him out more financially. My Mom lives closer to me, so she spends more time with me and takes us out to eat, etc. And then each parent travels to see the other kid as much as possible.

So they treat us differently, but not "better than".


Same goes for Grandparents/IL's - everyone is treated as an individual, but no one is treated better than the rest.

Edited by UnsinkableKristen, 16 February 2011 - 09:38 AM.


#15 kwickimom

kwickimom

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 2464 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 09:40 AM

I am the oldest of 7. My parents dont mean to play faves but they do. I had a child before marriage....my brother is about to leave for Mali, Africa to be a missionary. Guess who they favor?

They always favored my brother because he was/is the good child.

#16 Samiam

Samiam

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 3071 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 09:40 AM

Absolutely.

I am the oldest, and the step child to my "mother". A step-mother who was very VERY young when she married my father, so there is that weird dynamic.

My sister, STMom's first born, is the golden child. Growing up, she could do and say anything to STMom and get away with it. I mean, really rude things. If I said or did anything similiar, I was in serious trouble.

My brother, the only boy and the baby. Still at 28, the baby. Life Bail-outs on a regular basis.

Lots of little things that prove it. Lots of big things. How about I paid for every single dime of my college and sustaining life in college. They lived 30 minutes away. Never once offered to help pay for school, grocery money, nothing. nothing. My sister goes to college and they pay every single cent. Many similiar stories along those same lines.

To this day, even though I have removed myself by many states and just live my own life, I still see it on something as dumb as FB. STMom comments on every single post made by sister, brother, and brother's girlfriend. Nada on my FB, no comments on my postings, nothing to say about tons of pics of my children.

#17 elegantlion

elegantlion

    Signed Model Release on File

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 25038 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 09:48 AM

I am the baby of two. I am the favored child, I have no doubt. In parenting issues my parents always try to be fair. However as adults, my dh and I are more accepting of who my parents are. My sister and her family came to visit for Christmas and my sister was super critical, talked about what few items she wanted when they died, and her teenage son made my mom cry over something my sister pressed him to do. She acts like she is superior and that my parents don't have an ounce of sense in their head. So yes, I'm the favored child, but that's not saying much.

#18 elise1mds

elise1mds

    Empress Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 3023 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 10:06 AM

My parents try hard not to play favorites, but my mom and sister are closer and my dad and I are closer. Not that I talk to any of them often :tongue_smilie: I always knew that my mom favored my sister when I was younger, and I used to resent it, but now I understand that she just understands my sister better than she understands me. I am more like my father (who my mother divorced shortly after I got married).

My ILs are an entirely different story. My MIL has four sons, and my DH is the favorite. She loves all her boys, but my husband was the easiest for her to raise and also the oldest. She will openly state this favoritism and then qualify it by saying she loves all her boys. The second son has always resented this and has gone through some tough times because of it; boys 3 and 4 don't really care one way or the other and are making their own ways. They understand that when things go south for my MIL, we're the ones who get the call first!

#19 plansrme

plansrme

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 4044 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 10:06 AM

My mom always favored my brother when we were kids, and still does. BUT, she likes MY kids better than his, thinks I've done a wonderful job with them, and that they're amazing, gifted, loving, beautiful beings, and wonder of wonders, she gives me much of the credit for that. It cracks me up to see the wheels churning in her brain: "How could this be? How could this daughter of mine have produced/adopted such perfect grandchildren???"

She's extra-nice to me now, to guarantee access to her grandchildren whom she truly adores. To paraphrase the old saying, "Having the best grandchildren is the best revenge."

Terri

#20 Teresa in MO

Teresa in MO

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 965 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 10:13 AM

I would say yes on both sides.

My MIL has been supporting my BIL off and on for the past 15 years. And the excuses she makes for him is sickening. She has clearly favored my SIL kids over mine. My older kids have known this for years. What makes it worse is that she strongly states all the time that she DOES NOT play favorites!

On my side, my dad favors my younger brother. Again, bailed him out of messes ALL the time. It started years ago when my mom was still alive. My dad has realized with the help of my step-mom that he wasn't doing him any favors and has really limited the amount of help he gives him. He is good about keeping things even with the grandkids.

#21 Starr

Starr

    Qualified Bee Keeper

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 12599 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 10:16 AM

I'm used to the dynamics in my family but my dh's make me crazy. The favoritism is so obvious. I try not to mention it too often since dh tells himself it isn't true. :(

#22 JVA

JVA

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 814 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 10:21 AM

Most definitely. My mother much prefers my middle sister (I'm the oldest) as their philosophy and politics line up. She calls me names to my sisters and ignores our children. It used to bother me more, but I've moved on and God has provided substitutes over the years. I also have a WONDERFUL hubby. It's actually HER loss- my kids are great and she doesn't know them.

#23 nukeswife

nukeswife

    Queen to my collective of 3

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6533 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 10:34 AM

My parents no, my mom has always made sure my brother and I were treated equally.

My inlaws don't see that they do, but they do. They had my dh and then it took them 4 years to have their next son and two more sons followed soon after that, so it's always be my dh and "the guys" The guys are very athletic and my dh is not, so that always made him less desirable. My dh doesn't see it as clearly as I do but has a much larger tolerance level when it comes to them. They are the same way with the grandkids, but that's because they don't like me, so my kids are not as important as the kids of "The guys"

For example we just got a family calendar (they make one each year with pick of all my dh's grandma's kids, grandkids, great grandkids) and they took a picture of FIL, DH, the kids and myself and cut me and the kids out to put it in the calendar. My kids and I were the only ones left out of the calendar, they even managed to track down my dh's cousin that is a total deadbeat, who moves almost monthly, but couldn't be bothered to put in a single picture of the kids and I.

Edited by nukeswife, 16 February 2011 - 10:37 AM.


#24 Sassenach

Sassenach

    Dinna Fash Yourself

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 4554 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 10:42 AM

Mine don't, but dh's do. My mil has openly declared to me that bil was always her favorite. My grandparents also do, and I've seen what that has done to my mom (who is not the favorite). I'm sorry. I've never been able to wrap my brain around how a parent can be like that.

#25 PamInMN

PamInMN

    Hive Mind Royal Larvae

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 693 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 10:51 AM

Mom likes me best....





(at least until I leave the room). :lol:



My folks raised 8 kids......... some will say they played favorites, some will say they didn't. meh. In the whole scheme of things, what does it matter. :001_smile:

#26 Crimson Wife

Crimson Wife

    Qualified Bee Keeper

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 14353 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 10:58 AM

My family is fairly good about the issue. My MIL's is HORRIBLE. She's actually better than her own parents were (I'd never witnessed such blatant favoritism until I married into that family), but she still does it. DH's little brother was a late-in-life "surprise" and she definitely spoils him.

#27 Desert Rat

Desert Rat

    An Honorary Weasley

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6760 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 11:03 AM

Not in my family. My brother and I are treated differently, but there's no favoritism. My ILs on the other hand. Sheesh! My dh was the favorite for 10 years running....until he was laid off. Now the honor has been bestowed upon my SIL. We'll see what happens now that my dh is back to work. Ha!

#28 Susan in TN

Susan in TN

    Empress Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 4990 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 11:17 AM

My dh's sister - the oldest (and only daughter). In some ways my in-laws despise her, because they feel bound to bail her out of every mess she's gotten herself into - including drug addiction, felony theft, messy divorce, somewhat disabling accident due to drug addiction, homelessness, etc. They spent thousands on lawyers (and maybe judges) to keep her out of prison, and through her divorce/child custody, gave her some property and built her a house (across the street from them), pay her bills when she gets fired from a job, give her hundreds of dollars to buy Christmas presents for her delinquint son...we're talking about a 55yo grown (and now remarried) woman. Even now that they are pretty much destitute and have to get their food from a food bank, they will still scrape together money to buy her cigarettes and run errands for them when they are out of gas.


The funny thing is that when the 4 kids were growing up, the in-laws were obsessive about being completely equal in all things - number and cost of gifts, when a child got what particular gift - even into engagement and wedding gifts. Naturally, the kids caught on quickly, and developed the mentality that they were "owed" certain things. And woe to the in-laws if they gave anything to one of the kids (even when they were grown with their own families) and another found out about it. It's pathetic.


Dh and I fortunately have lived far away from the family for our entire married life, so we have been able to escape/ignore most of it.

#29 Jennifer in MI

Jennifer in MI

    Qualified Bee Keeper

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 9076 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 11:28 AM

. some will say they played favorites, some will say they didn't. meh. In the whole scheme of things, what does it matter. :001_smile:


:iagree:

I think it's natural to get along with and favor one child over the other. I know I do! I try very hard not to show it though.

My little sis is the favorite. She was sick as an infant (VERY sick) and was the baby they were told they couldn't have. We ALL favored her though, so it was okay.

Now, my ILs favor one of dh's brothers in particular. He "owns" a business and his parents have totally drained their savings to help him with it. It drives us crazy as they should be retired and not worried about losing their house! (And, they were quite wealthy before!) I don't get it. Dh's brother has tried to talk with his parents about it, but they don't want to hear it. :glare:

#30 Cafelattee

Cafelattee

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 1175 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 11:41 AM

Oh this thread hit a nerve.
My dh and I are both first born to working class poor families. We went without and paid for everything in life ourselves.

Lets see I have a "baby brother" 8 years younger that my parents would rob a bank for

My dh has a baby sister that is 10 years younger and his parents treated his sister and still does like a queen.

It way past that we have sibling rivalry with them. Its more like the example of my parents they gave "baby brother" everything but when mom and dad went broke and dad had a stroke. It was not my baby brother that brought them into their home and took care of them.

My dh and I are both very clear about doing equal for both boys. I know that as they reach adult personality I may have more in common with one but they are both my "babies" I can't stand parents that pick favorites. Sorry but this is a sore spot for dh and I

What really makes me mad about this is that the same thing happens with the grandkids. The favorite child has the favorite grandkids.

#31 bluemongoose

bluemongoose

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 1331 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 11:45 AM

Yep, we have it on both sides.

My DH was most definitely the favorite, but due to some choices on the IL's part, DH cut them off for now. I am not sure when they will reconcile, and when/if the do, who knows if he will remain the favorite. I know that they do not like me, so it is possible that he will keep his title because they can pin the family trouble on me. (it wasnt me by the way:leaving:)

I am the oldest of 4 kids. I am not the favorite. I am the one too many-but oh so reliable girl. My one and only brother is a favorite, as is the youngest sister. There is a definite order. Brother, youngest sister, middle sister, and lastly me. All of us sisters openly acknowledge the favoritism as well as the pecking order. We sisters are all sensitive to each other about how it makes the other one feel. My brother and parents (especially my mother) are in denial about it all. The favoritism is shown by money gifts, time spent, who they listen to and respect, and who they are proud of. If I make a suggestion it is always considered dumb, but my brother could make the very same suggestion later and all of a sudden it was the best idea since sliced bread. If I were to mention that I had thought of the same thing they would fain that they never heard me say a thing.

When they talk about us, they always go on and on about how wonderful my brother and sister are...they are too tired, I suppose, at the end of their spiel about the wonders of my siblings that they are too winded to talk about me and my family. Growing up I was the one who was ignored or punished and given the chores. Now they say it was just because they knew I could hack it as I was so reliable. They say they ignored me because they just didnt have the time and energy to spend time with me, but they knew I would be ok as I was always responsible and independent.

Honestly the only part (aside from the ignoring me growing up) that hurts is the pride part. They are so proud of the others and I have received only their criticism. I longed for their approval, but was always told I would never measure up. I was their only honors student, the first in our whole family to go to college and graduate, I met and married a great man who has provided so well for us, and I have never asked for a cent from them. Yet I dont measure up!:confused:

#32 ScoutTN

ScoutTN

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 2942 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 11:54 AM

Mine don't, but my MIL definitely does. Daughter are clearly more important to her then sons!

#33 Farrar

Farrar

    Expert Cat Herder

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 13692 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 11:59 AM

At this point... yes, I'm clearly favored over my brother. Maybe if he'd stop cursing out our parents, stop getting in trouble with the law, answer their phone calls more than sporadically and generally stop blaming them for everything that goes wrong in his life... things would be different.

#34 mommaduck

mommaduck

    Quackers for Kilts

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 11593 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 12:05 PM

Yep. I was the "devil's seed" for being my father's daughter and not being blood to my adopted/stepfather. Couldn't win, still can't win, love is conditional, etc. On that side, one of my brothers is the "golden child". He gets a free pass on everything. I was disowned when I found my dad's family and the rest of my siblings.

#35 elfgivas

elfgivas

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 3395 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 12:08 PM

definitely a raw topic!

neither dh nor i are our parents favourites, by a long shot, and pretty much everyone knows who is, and who isn't.

but, that said, we have done better in life than our sibs that way, so ironically i guess they did us a favour....

for our 4, all of them think someone else is the favourite, and pick different ones, so we think it is just about as equal as possible (different, because they are different people, but equal).

fwiw,
ann

#36 JeneralMom

JeneralMom

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 1406 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 03:13 PM

My mother had openly said "you can never love your 2nd [or third, fourth, fifth, etc] child as much as your first." I am number 2 so guess where I sit in her opinion. She also very obviously plays favourites with grandkids (my eldest niece is her favourite in my bro's family, and my eldest son is her fav in my family). However, she also has a grandchild in each family who she openly dislikes (my youngest niece whom she refers to as 'the b!$ch', and my 2nd son who she never calls my name and refers to as 'that one'.)

#37 Margaret in CO

Margaret in CO

    Qualified Bee Keeper

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 12425 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 08:39 PM

My mil did that and extended it into the grandchildren. My sil (whom, unfortunately, I have to live next to) is the perfect child, along with her girls. Fortunately, I no longer have to deal with my mil as she is dead. How does that line go from Wizard of Oz? Very and completely dead???? My father just passed away on Sunday and he (and my mom) NEVER did that to us children, as evidenced by the fact that we could celebrate his life and legacy and get along. Monday was actually fun--cleaning out his apartment and just enjoying each other. I only hope my children can get along as well. My mil has one child that no one has seen in 20 years because they all DON'T get along. So sad...

just looked it up:
she's not only really
dead, she's really most sincerely dead

Edited by Margaret in CO, 16 February 2011 - 08:46 PM.


#38 dangermom

dangermom

    Amateur Bee Keeper

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 4134 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 09:11 PM

My parents do not. My in-laws have shown consistent favoritism for the 'black sheep' son (drugs, DUI, etc), making excuses and taking sides in disagreements between siblings. When my parents first met my in-laws, my prospective FIL spent the whole time bragging about BS Son! I was amused, but I should have realized it was a sign of things to come. In particular, the other son that lives near them is the archetypal Good Son who always helps out and always gets stomped on for his trouble. A couple of years ago BS Son threatened GS, and my in-laws took BS's side (despite being asked to stay out of it). GS doesn't talk to his parents any more and my own husband barely talks to them either. It's all been pretty sad. :(

#39 jazzyfizzle

jazzyfizzle

    Hive Mind Royal Larvae

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 750 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 09:41 PM

and they took a picture of FIL, DH, the kids and myself and cut me and the kids out to put it in the calendar. My kids and I were the only ones left out of the calendar.



:grouphug::grouphug: Just sending you some cyber hugs and telling you that I enjoy your posts.

#40 justamouse

justamouse

    Cottonheaded Ninnymuggins

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 14616 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 09:55 PM

I have to say, my parents are really good NOW, but before, when my mom was newly married to my step day-everything was about my brother. Shes definitely gotten better, though and loves all my children equally.

Now my MIL? I have never seen such favoritism. And it hurts and it's horrid. It was always bad, but when Dh went and married me-well, it got worse. IT's not blatant, like less presents or whatnot, but in who she spend the majority of time with and how she acts.

I don't play favorites and I think it's horrid. I love them all-even the PITA.

#41 jenL

jenL

    Blessed

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 3156 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 09:59 PM

Absolutely. My grandmother has a favorite of her 4, and she has passed down that lovely quality to my mother. I was the favorite for a while because I met the ridiculously high standards. My other two sisters have not, and my mom used to adore me for that. Since I've "distanced myself from her" (mom's words) because I am no longer fitting her standards (meaning I don't "need" her like the others claim to), my mom is starting to write me off. She very openly gushes about my middle sister & her kids and acts as if they are so amazing. It's quite sad actually because this is the same behavior she used to do to this sister except she made her feel bad because it was always about me. I'm glad my sister is receiving the "awe" from my mom because she spent her childhood feeling slighted (and rightly so). However, it drives me crazy that this arrangement even exists at all.

Initially, I thought I was jealous because my sister was now receiving the praise and I wasn't; however, I've come to realize that it's not jealousy. Instead, it's disgust. Disgust because my mom picks and chooses us based upon HER standards rather than loving each of us for who we are. My mother still laments and gets angry when her mother openly chooses favorites and slights her, but she cannot see that she is perpetuating the same behavior.

For years my sister and I resented each other, and it wasn't until we both moved away from my mother that we realized that all the issues were caused by my mom and how she viewed us. I'm so thankful that my sister and I have cultivated a relationship despite years of being pitted against one another. We are now trying to not be this way to our own children - it's taken me 2 years of counseling to reassess myself, my parenting, and the warped relationship I had/have with my mother in order to break this cycle.

#42 Frontier Mom

Frontier Mom

    Empress Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 2517 posts

Posted 16 February 2011 - 10:24 PM

Oh, yes! My mom and dad will flat out tell me that my brother is the only "name sake" and, because of that, he is getting more when they die. He is on his fourth marriage and has a child from a failed marriage (charges of abuse against him, etc. but his wife was so nuts that he still got custody?) that they look after all the time. For Christmas, they told me all the things they got my brother and his son. What did they get me or my children for Christmas? NOTHING. Not even a Christmas card and there isn't anything wrong like being mad, etc.

My older sister just bears it. I on the other hand praise God each and every day that I moved 5 hours away. Very wrong to treat children this way but my dcs really have no relationship with them because of this. They are old enough to see it clearly.

All in all, I think it is really sad that they have missed the awesome people my children really are and the great things they could bring to their life. Money has made them bitter. I would rather be broke!

The sad thing is my dh and I have been at our current church for 9 years (he is the pastor) and most of the people assume my parents are deceased because they never come to visit. However, I find this relationship helps my spiritual muscles because I am always challenged to "Love those who persecute you." I try to make the best of it at this point because I really believe the saying, "He who angers you controls you." I refuse to allow their choice to play favorites control my life anymore. This has been a process though. Now I view them as an Aunt and Uncle because that better defines our relationship.

Maybe this is weird but it is how I cope. Talking to them does nothing. They just don't see what is wrong with playing favorites. I am unable to change them but I do everything I can to treat each of my dcs uniquely but without favoritism. In the long run, it just causes the children to be distant toward each other when one is treated "specially" without regard to the other siblings.

#43 Sweetpeach

Sweetpeach

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 791 posts

Posted 17 February 2011 - 05:25 AM

My dh has heard all his life about how wonderful his two siblings are, "M is doing this!" "B came to see me!" "M took me to dinner!" ad nauseum. I finally pointed out the likelihood that his siblings hear the exact same wonderful comments about him. (I honestly believe he is the favorite.)

It makes sibling relationships strained. I think his mom prefers this; she wants to be in the center of things and would prefer that everyone have a closer relationship to her than anyone else.

In reality, it makes everyone miserable, and in truth, her kids have gone to great lengths to avoid her.


I couldn't agree more . . . the only difference between your situation and mine is we've put some distance between ourselves and the family member who operates in this land. It's very difficult to forge sibling relationship when one sibling enjoys/promotes/encourages the sibling favoritism instead of drawing a line in the sand and deciding not to walk in the toxic sludge of favored child.

It used to bother us. Now, we just grieve the lack of sibling relationship and do our best to love the toxic member, albeit from arm's length. Many days, we contemplate cutting the cord and giving up on any sort of relationship with any of them, but then, family is family and the only path to reconcilation is an open heart.

sigh.

T

#44 Anon

Anon

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 1138 posts

Posted 17 February 2011 - 07:40 AM

Mine do. I'm the least favorite. My parents routinely give money and presents to my siblings and never to us. When asked about it, my mother said it was because we aren't in gobs of debt like they are. Yet we have the lowest income out of the 4 of us. I hadn't realized that by being responsible, we'd be penalized. Yeah, I'm a little bitter.

#45 beachmom

beachmom

    Hive Mind Level 2 Worker: Nurse Bee

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 111 posts

Posted 17 February 2011 - 08:19 AM

Mine do. I'm the least favorite. My parents routinely give money and presents to my siblings and never to us. When asked about it, my mother said it was because we aren't in gobs of debt like they are. Yet we have the lowest income out of the 4 of us. I hadn't realized that by being responsible, we'd be penalized. Yeah, I'm a little bitter.


I sympathize with all of you - really. Some of you have experienced some unbelievable favoritism. I appreciate your honesty.

Dawn8500, my situation mirrors yours somewhat. I was going to describe my situation but I just deleted it. I'm too mad.

#46 2cents

2cents

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 2361 posts

Posted 17 February 2011 - 08:37 AM

My sister was the favorite. I was middle and brother was baby. Being the fave made sister super needy and to this day, she cannot do anything by herself and has an entitled attitude that has driven her family away from her (even her children). Brother had birth issues and he was coddled a lot. Fortunately he was able to get away from that and is doing very well on his own. I got away from it all as soon as I could. I only keep in contact with my brother. Mom and Dad are out of the picture. It was a unhealthy and highly dysfunctional environment. I had to live in it as a child but as an adult I won't put up with it. :)

#47 Hill Country Kat

Hill Country Kat

    Benevolent Dictator

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 2239 posts

Posted 17 February 2011 - 11:41 AM

Yep. My parents' favorite is my sister. DH's parents' favorite is his brother. One of my biggest parenting goals is to NOT have favorites between our children.

#48 BlsdMama

BlsdMama

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 3056 posts

Posted 17 February 2011 - 12:01 PM

Absolutely.
Absolutely NOT.

Depends which sibling you ask.


My sister would tell you they absolutely do... Their favorite being my brother.

:tongue_smilie:

I would tell you absolutely not.


The difference? Perspective.

#49 Big Buckin' Longhorn

Big Buckin' Longhorn

    HOOK 'EM

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 2039 posts

Posted 17 February 2011 - 12:07 PM

Neither my spouse nor I are the favorites in our families.

I decided long ago to just accept it and move on. Dear Spouse suffers greatly and jumps through all sorts of hoops to try to win favor. It doesn't work. It will never work. So sad.

#50 wendylee

wendylee

    Hive Mind Level 2 Worker: Nurse Bee

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 114 posts

Posted 17 February 2011 - 12:12 PM

Yes. I was wondering if there were any of us out there!

My mom calls me every week to tell me everything that her two wonderful sons (my brothers) have done. She makes sure that I know that they have NOT moved away, and that they are at her beck and call and take care of her whenever she needs them to do anything. She also makes sure that their accomplishments are always outshadowing anything I do; for example, my youngest brother is graduating from college this year. She is throwing a huge three day party for him, complete with hotel reservations, dinners, etc. I graduated this year as well, and I got a Congratulations card after my godmother (who I consider my real mom) called her and said she should at least do something to commemorate the fact that I graduated. It's really sick, but it's the way things have always been, and this (among many other things) is why I avoid my mother.:tongue_smilie:


What's with the ads?