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Please help me critique my son's short essay.


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He was asked to write three paragraphs about a painting. He's in 9th grade. Tia!

 

Caspar David Friedrich’s “The Wreck of the Hope†is a piece in which time seems to stand still. The painting is of a wooden ship, wrecked and half frozen in broken shards of thick ice. You can tell the ship is old because of its design. It is wooden with masts, and if you look closely at it you can even see small cannons. In the background, tall mounds of ice tower over the shipwreck and seem as if they were the rulers of the frozen deep. Small pieces of splintered wood lay on the ice waiting for water to come take them away. And then, nothing for miles and miles.

 

Friedrich uses different colors and depths in his painting to make it seem like a photo. He uses non-traditional colors for things that we have expectations of being a certain color, such as using reds, oranges, and browns in the color of the ice, and using yellows and purples in the sky. This gives the painting more of an intense feeling of misery and of coldness. Friedrich uses lots of depth in his painting, too, by making some shards of ice behind, on top of, and below others. He also shows off the colossal size of the ice by making the ship very small in proportion.

 

 

“The Wreck of the Hope†gives a person a feeling of gloom and despair. It makes one feel the heart-wrenching cold of the wind and ice and the feeling of loneliness and isolation. I appreciated the painting because, even though it is simple, it was interesting to look at and brought up lots of questions in my mind about the ship and how it got there, and about how the artist chose the colors of the ice and sky.

 

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I like it! It's more articulate than my dd would have been last year. He notices lots of details about the technique.

 

Two suggestions: choose either "you" or "one," and use it consistently. Also, maybe organization could be a little tighter; ie, describe the painting in one paragraph, talk about mood/emotions induced in another paragraph, and questions raised in the third paragraph.

 

A good job :).

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I like the essay because it provides lots of detail (I'm no writing expert though- but CDF is one of my favorite painters)

One small thing:

 

Friedrich uses different colors and depths in his painting to make it seem like a photo.

 

 

This sentence sounds as if the artist intentionally tried to MAKE it resemble a photograph. This is hardly possible for a painting from the 1820s; the painting was created before the first permanent photograph ever.

So he could rephrase it simply to "which makes it seem like a photo."

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I like it! It's more articulate than my dd would have been last year. He notices lots of details about the technique.

 

Two suggestions: choose either "you" or "one," and use it consistently. Also, maybe organization could be a little tighter; ie, describe the painting in one paragraph, talk about mood/emotions induced in another paragraph, and questions raised in the third paragraph.

 

A good job :).

 

Thank you, Amy. We've been working on the "you" or "one" thing, obviously not there yet. :001_smile:

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I like the essay because it provides lots of detail (I'm no writing expert though- but CDF is one of my favorite painters)

One small thing:

 

 

 

This sentence sounds as if the artist intentionally tried to MAKE it resemble a photograph. This is hardly possible for a painting from the 1820s; the painting was created before the first permanent photograph ever.

So he could rephrase it simply to "which makes it seem like a photo."

 

 

Ah, I completely missed that! Thank you, regentrude. :001_smile:

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I'll do the brutal critique ;). Most of ths issues I see are in regards to sentence structure variety and pushing for more complexity. FWIW, I teach writing at a classical coop.

 

Caspar David Friedrich’s “The Wreck of the Hope” is a piece in which time seems to stand still [good, strong opening sentence]. The painting is of a wooden ship, wrecked and half frozen in broken shards of thick ice (to improve the sentence, removing the first 'is' and make it a clause - ex. The painting of a wooden ship, wrecked and half frozen in broken shard of thick ice, shows ______/is _______). You can tell the ship is old because of its design*. It is wooden with masts, and if you look closely at it you can** even see small cannons [rewrite this with a different subject/verb - 'it is' is pretty nondescriptive]. In the background, tall mounds of ice tower over the shipwreck and seem as if they were the rulers of the frozen deep [excellent sentence - very descriptive]. Small pieces of splintered wood lay (should it be 'lie'? i always mix this up) on the ice waiting for water to come take them away. And then, nothing for miles and miles [fragment].

 

* Too many uses of 'is' in this paragraph - he should use stronger verbs. ex. "The ship is old b/c of its design" can be improved to say - "The age of the ship is demonstrated by its design"

**Remove 'you' and speak just about the painting

 

Friedrich uses different colors and depths in his painting to make it seem like a photo. He uses non-traditional colors for things that we have expectations of being a certain color, such as using reds, oranges, and browns in the color of the ice, and using yellows and purples in the sky. This gives the painting more of an intense feeling of misery and of coldness. Friedrich uses lots of depth in his painting, too, by making some shards of ice behind, on top of, and below others. He also shows off the colossal size of the ice by making the ship very small in proportion.

 

 

“The Wreck of the Hope” gives a person a feeling of gloom and despair. It makes one feel the heart-wrenching cold of the wind and ice and the feeling of loneliness and isolation. I appreciated the painting because, even though it is simple, it was interesting to look at and brought up lots of questions in my mind about the ship and how it got there, and about how the artist chose the colors of the ice and sky.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The second and third paragraphs are ok :). Are you having him write in any sort of particular format (ex. according to the 'three point essay' for 3 paragraphs?), or just saying 'write 3 paragraphs' without any further direction?

Edited by Sevilla
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Thank you so much, Sevilla. I don't mind "brutal." ;)

 

I love your ideas for the first paragraph and agree about increasing complexity of thought and structure. Up until now, I've just been glad he is writing at all. :D His assignments are online and don't really give more direction than 'write a 3-paragraph essay about...', but I may do so next time. Thanks again!

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Agreeing. I like regentrude's suggestion.

 

However, I don't see that the sentences that follow support the idea of realism. They are all interesting details but in what way do they make it look realistic?

 

I'd say the details your son mentions would describe "intense feeling" versus realism.... the intensity is very convincing despite the use of unconventional (or counterintuitive?) colors ... in fact, the "unrealistic" colors create such intense emotion that you get an impression of realism.... something like that, that is, if that's what he means.

 

Lastly he seems to have several "main ideas" but doesn't tie them together: "time seems to stand still", "intense feeling," "gloom and despair." Connect the dots for the reader... how do those relate to each other, esp. #1 (2 & 3 are pretty related)? This is difficult for most kids, at least my kids.

 

Otherwise I really like the concrete detail in all paragraphs. I think this is very good writing for a 9th grader!

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I'd say the details your son mentions would describe "intense feeling" versus realism.... the intensity is very convincing despite the use of unconventional (or counterintuitive?) colors ... in fact, the "unrealistic" colors create such intense emotion that you get an impression of realism.... something like that, that is, if that's what he means.

 

 

 

I think this is what he was trying to convey. I'll talk to him about clarifying it within the essay. Thanks, Jenn. :001_smile:

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Lie. Lay is the past tense in this sentence, and he is supposed to be using the present tense. (Things lie themselves down (past tense lay) and things lay other things down (past tense lay).)

 

Yes, I can't believe I missed this on the first go-around. :blush: Thanks, Nan.

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Excellent work! I would take the suggestions offered on this thread for his revisions, and have him work at making his phrasing more succinct. His use of descriptive language and his insight into how the painter emotes with color is impressive.

 

Thanks, Abigail. He's an "artist" himself - dancer, singer, cartoonist... so I think that helps. :001_smile:

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