How do you motivate your children?

[gingersmom]

My daughter has a history of not turning her work in on time. This goes back several years (public school, private school, homeschool).

 

We have been looking at private schools for next year for my daughter so things have been quite chaotic as we try to keep up with school (plus she injured her knees and has physical therapy 3 times/week plus numerous doctors appointments).

 

So I have been letting things slide that are due on a Friday she can turn them in on a Monday.

 

This past Friday I warned her it was going to be World War 3 if her english paper was not turned in on Monday (tomorrow) at 9am. We were out since early early this morning (5:30am). We get home around 5, she eats diner and sits herself in front of the computer.

 

By 7 I am about to blow a gasket because she is making no attempt to do her paper. I tell her if she does not do it by 9am she is losing Facebook for a week. No response. I tell her she is losing her cell phone. She mumbles at me. I tell her she is not going to the gym tomorrow. She looks at me and mumbles about going upstairs with her computer to work on her paper.

 

I think their is steam coming out of my ears.

 

How do I light a fire under her to get her motivated?

[Nicole M]

Well, first: :grouphug:

 

Have you already pared down to the absolute essentials with her curriculum, due to the medical issues? If not, I would ask yourself what is truly essential here and what can we reasonably expect to accomplish, and adapt your expectations and deadlines accordingly.

 

Concerning the paper that is due tomorrow morning at 9am, in her mind, she probably has X hours (as in, as many hours until 9am) left to do it, while in your mind, the concept of bedtime is a, you know, real thing. When my son was taking community college classes his senior year, he often pulled all-nighters. Kids in other high schools do that, too, it seems. So I'm thinking that if I were you, I would wait until 9am tomorrow to blow the gasket, and in the meantime, have a glass of your favorite beverage, and enjoy thinking up cruel and unusual punishments.

 

Okay, I'm kidding about the punishments. Kinda. WWIII is a little vague. Was her assignment to produce a draft or a final paper? Very clear expectations seem to have been the ticket with my boys. At 9am I will review your draft according to *this* [identified] rubric. If you fail to meet minimum expectations, x points will be docked from your final grade, AND you will have until noon to make appropriate revisions. My goal with papers is to help my boys to learn two things: a) to generate material in a timely fashion and b) learn to craft, through multiple revisions, high quality work. When they can't generate even a little something in a timely fashion, it's difficult to move on to b).

 

I have had to have conversations with my sons about how when assignments slip, it is disrespectful of my time. I have made the commitment to educate them, have invested numerous hours researching and preparing material, and I expect that effort on my part to be, if not always joyfully received, at the very least respected. And then I lay out exactly what I want and when. I work outside the home, and have a limited, specific number of hours to help with schoolwork each day. If schoolwork is incomplete, I am left hanging, and that really gets my knickers in a twist.

 

In terms of the nuts and bolts of motivating and setting up clear expectations, I've found two things to have helped with my youngest. The file system discussed on the K-8 board (everything in the file must be completed by Friday) and, get this, his Kindle. He has a calendar / planner on it, and for some reason using that has worked wonders where a paper calendar meant nothing to him. I am very much a Luddite, so this development was partly appalling, partly a relief.

 

It's about dinner time here and I'm starving, so I hope this makes sense. This has been an ongoing issue in our house, and I suspect in many others, so maybe none of us have the answer, but hopefully others can share what works, too.

Edited January 10, 2011 by Nicole M

[laughing lioness]

Pull the cell phone and phone jacks. Gone till compliant. If you are working harder than your kid, there's a problem. She has energy to grunt and mutter and you are spewing steam? Why does she even have a cell phone at this point? Why can she even get on FB? Gone already.

 

Decide what it is you expect. Communicate it clearly. Privilages, which include everything electronic, are gone till expecations are met. She earns them. Along with other privilages.

 

Honestly, this made me laugh becasue of the "Chineese mother thread on the General Board." You're not Chineese, are you?? ; ) (me, neither!)

[Sunshine State Sue]

Lord knows I shouldn't be giving advice. So, take what you like and leave the rest.

 

If you are ready to blow a gasket, then you are suffering the consequences of your dd's irresponsibility rather than her. Obviously, that needs to change.

 

Electronics are a privilege, not a right. If you abuse the privilege, you lose the privilege. Just like a driver's license.

 

Ds's education is important to me. His electronics are important to him. There have been some interesting discussions lately (not sure which board) about how to help dc to become more invested in their own education. I'm nowhere near close.

 

I tell ds that I do not want to micro-manage his work, but if he can't manage his work himself, I will micro-manage it.

 

It helps if both parents are in agreement as to the consequences of misbehavior.

 

I thought the book Teen Proofing by John Rosemond was very good with regards to allowing teens to spread their wings yet face creative consequences when they make bad choices.

 

My son's having an electronic free day today. :angry:

[Jenn in CA]

with WW3. Haha! I laughed when you said that... but our kids don't take us seriously if we don't follow through with some serious consequences like what the others mentioned. This is more painful for us than them sometimes, but it is for their best!

 

Right now one of my kids has lost his laptop for an unspecified amount of time, prob. a few more weeks; he lost his Touch for a couple weeks; no video games; etc. etc. And I have to be really quick to take stuff away for him and his brother to take me seriously.

 

I've also been utilizing the "preemptive strike" which is very effective: "Since you have a track record of unfaithfulness with due dates, you will not have any screen time [or whatever] until the paper is done." This works really well. There's nothing else to do, so they might as well do their work.

 

You're not alone! I am constantly dreaming up new evil [kidding] ways to get them to do their work.

[Jenn in CA]

I also had to search "Chinese mothers" and read the WSJ article because I'm Chinese and I had to laugh. It's all spot-on. I was born and raised here in the US but thankfully my parents had different priorities than most Chinese parents because they were Christians. My own kids sometimes complain about their "Asian mom" but really, they don't know how easy they have it. And they still make my Chinese parents proud. :-)

[Faithr]

I'm going to take a different approach. I find that getting punitive with teens is just alienating and makes life unpleasant at home and seldom really teaches them anything. Papers shouldn't be about power struggles. They should be about learning to write and learning a particular subject! Why not ask her how you can help her? Why not brainstorm with her about how to get things right?

 

If she has a habit of doing this, you knew this was a more than possible outcome, right? So if I were in your shoes, I'd plan accordingly. For instance my dh never put his clothes in the hamper, so I wound up putting the hamper where he put his clothes! And it worked (after a bit of nudging). But now he's really good at the clothes and hamper thing! I think you have to meet people where they are. So what I would do is start over. A clean slate. Then tell her you are going to walk her through the phases necessary to write and complete a paper. This is to wipe away her avoidance behavior and teach her exactly what is required so that she isn't procrastinating. You'll give her clear expectations of every step and then you'll be right there next to her while she works. Maybe knitting or reading or perhaps writing your own paper on the subject so you can compare. This is a good exercise for us moms because we forget what a pain in the a** writing papers is! How much self-control and focus it takes to write a paper you really, really would rather not. It's painful at times! We naturally want to avoid things we find painful! At least I do!

 

When it is paper time for you two, I'd make her and yourself a cup of tea or cocoa and put on some nice Mozart or whatever for background music and then you can go to work. Breaking it down into small chunks makes things more digestible. Hopefully by breaking it down, it will be less overwhelming to her.

 

It does help to motivate beforehand if at the outset you decide together on some incentive that will motivate her to get the paper done. This is to provide motivation that isn't there because the task is unpleasant to your dd. I do this all the time myself. For instance I might not want to tackle some unpleasant housekeeping chore, so I tell myself that when I'm done I can sit down and surf the WTM board. A little incentive for myself!

 

But I think that such a reward is only fair if it is already a given and not a punishment whipped out at the last minute. For instance, with my oldest dd, who was a procrastinator, what really motivator her was the teen annual summer work camp. The teens would travel somewhere and work for a week helping to refurbish houses. My dd LOVED this. So we had it set up that all her coursework had to be completed by that time or she would not be able to go to workcamp. Sometimes (often!) she would need my help to figure out how she was going to get it all done, but she got it done! She knew that was a hard, fast and reasonable deadline. However, I do not think it would be fair to get all mad and fuming at her and then at the last minute pounce on her with the power play of, "you can't go to workcamp young lady because you didn't get your work done." See the difference? One is treating the teen with respect and making things clear and reasonable just like you would do with an adult. The other is being reactive and using parental power unfairly. In my mind anyway.

 

If fb and the computer are distracting her, then you can just explain that you think she needs to avoid those things until the paper is done because they are too distracting. I've done this with my current 15 yo. I've made him write things out long hand because if he used the computer he can get distracted.

 

Anyway, hope this doesn't sound preachy! I have so been there, done that. It is frustrating but I find trying to be positive and proactive and seeing my role as one of GUIDANCE (asking myself: how can I guide her better?) makes things easier around here.

[Nicole M]

Faithr, lovely response.

 

What I was trying to get at above is similar, that I am trying to help my sons get into the habit of success. Breaking a habit of failure (to meet deadlines) may be more complicated than just taking away electronics.

[Melissa B]

My eldest is only 13, but I'll share what we do anyway. :D

 

Most importantly, school is a privilege. The privilege of being a student can be lost and then the child becomes an apprentice (maid.) From then on the child's entire day must be devoted to cooking, cleaning, laundry and child care. That has never lasted more than one day. A bad attitude, laziness, carelessness, etc will result in the lose of student privileges.

 

The rest comes down to incentives (aka bribes.)

I have our school classes broken into three categories. The first are the classes that I feel are essential to the student moving up to the next grade level. All of the work for these classes must be completed each week. The only incentives for these classes are having the weekend off and maintaining a student status. Not completing work in these classes means spending the entire weekend on them until they are completed. If they are not completed by Monday the student becomes an apprentice and remains so until the classes are caught up (in the student's now very limited free time.) For us the essential classes are math and English.

 

The next set of classes are the ones that I feel are most important following the essential classes. These classes earn the kids other privileges. The most desired privileges for my girls right now are new books and movie passes but, I vary what I give based on what the kids are interested in and what classes I value most. At the beginning of the year I mark the points in the curriculum where they can earn privileges. Classes I give privileges for are Latin, Greek, French, religion and geography.

 

The third set of classes are content classes. For these the kids earn time off school. Generally they earn one hour of free time per "lesson" completed. This works for us because we have long days and the kids can afford to take off a few hours here and there. I also don't mind whether they actually finish a content class or not. Our content classes are science, history and humanities.

 

Notes - a student cannot work all day on one subject. We do have a general daily schedule of when we do each subject. Also, each student has a weekly assignment list and when one subject has been completed for the week the student cannot move on to the next week's work unless the work for all subjects that week is complete.

 

The downside to this is that the student may not move at the pace I would like in many subjects. However, it makes life much happier in our home. When school is over for the day it is over. I don't nag all the time or worry over where they are in their studies. I am very strict in enforcing the few school rules we have and make a point not to waver on them. And I know that the kids are at least making progress at all times in their other subjects. :)

[gingersmom]

Thanks for all the advice.

 

She actually finished the assignment last night and handed it in by 9am. It was actually suprisingly well written .

 

She apologized for her behavior.

 

Next time I am going to pull the plug on the computer and change the facebook password before things get so bad.

[Nan in Mass]

I wasn't going to post because the way I do it probably isn't something you want to try, but then I realized that the idea behind my way is actually something more generally applicable. I let mine go do something grownup, often something scary and grownup. When they come back from doing it, they are more motivated. I do it in a pretty drastic way, but I have noticed that more minor ways work as well. Mine are much more motivated and energized when they are feeling grownup and doing something interesting. Boredom and waiting both are anti-motivational.

-Nan

[swimmermom3]

I wasn't going to post because the way I do it probably isn't something you want to try, but then I realized that the idea behind my way is actually something more generally applicable. I let mine go do something grownup, often something scary and grownup. When they come back from doing it, they are more motivated. I do it in a pretty drastic way, but I have noticed that more minor ways work as well. Mine are much more motivated and energized when they are feeling grownup and doing something interesting. Boredom and waiting both are anti-motivational.

-Nan

 

I am sitting with this, Nan. Thinking on it. Holding the jello, trying to keep it from sliding through my fingers. Suspecting I personally operate in this manner. Nan, you always make my brain hurt.

[Joyofsixreboot]

I think all the joy is gone from her world until some of the joy comes back to yours. When she can have a week of timely work she earns something back, continuing until she has all her things back and work is done. Missing work = missing cell phone, computer, etc. In the real world missing work =missing pay. This will make her nearly unbearable for awhile so be prepared and lay in wine, chocolate or your preferred vice. I think I agree with Nan too in a way. I find after my older boys have been off climbing, or rafting or other manly things they are wont to do they are easier to get along with.

[Joyofsixreboot]

 

My son's having an electronic free day today. :angry:

 

We call that 'living Amish'. Just the threat usually is enough.

[memphispeg]

I'm going to take a different approach. I find that getting punitive with teens is just alienating and makes life unpleasant at home and seldom really teaches them anything. Papers shouldn't be about power struggles. They should be about learning to write and learning a particular subject! Why not ask her how you can help her? Why not brainstorm with her about how to get things right?

 

 

I think the reward and "guidance" system is the best way to go on this. Working together as a team on some of the papers and assignments also fosters a mutual respect. We have tried WWIII and it does not work for my stubborn jr. dd. So, I am gradually working on my nurturing and focussing skills. One problem with WWIII is that there ends up being a communication gap....the kid will not talk to you and you have no idea why they are procrastinating, etc. This does not feel like parenting to me. Learning is a two way street, in the "perfect school" (which this homeschooler aspires to) there is give and take and interaction and reinforcement (positive and negative). After all, we only have them for a v. short time!

The reward for my dd is a summer program in marine bio and regular attendance at ballet lessons. Do well - dive and dance!!!

Of course, the ultimate reward is the opportunity to pursue what they love at a high level in college and beyond.....

[Storm Bay]

My daughter has a history of not turning her work in on time. This goes back several years (public school, private school, homeschool).

 

We have been looking at private schools for next year for my daughter so things have been quite chaotic as we try to keep up with school (plus she injured her knees and has physical therapy 3 times/week plus numerous doctors appointments).

 

So I have been letting things slide that are due on a Friday she can turn them in on a Monday.

 

This past Friday I warned her it was going to be World War 3 if her english paper was not turned in on Monday (tomorrow) at 9am. We were out since early early this morning (5:30am). We get home around 5, she eats diner and sits herself in front of the computer.

 

By 7 I am about to blow a gasket because she is making no attempt to do her paper. I tell her if she does not do it by 9am she is losing Facebook for a week. No response. I tell her she is losing her cell phone. She mumbles at me. I tell her she is not going to the gym tomorrow. She looks at me and mumbles about going upstairs with her computer to work on her paper.

 

I think their is steam coming out of my ears.

 

How do I light a fire under her to get her motivated?

 

If all else fails, then you can read my post about my eldest, who had this trouble in ps in gr 1 & 2 and at home.

 

Since not one of the suggestions I ever heard of worked for dd and she wasn't using a cell phone or a computer (except for German), I expelled her from homeschool and sent her to ps. While she still isn't highly motivated, she has been much better about doing her work and getting it in on time. She has had a few times she's been late, apparently, and is having a harder time when swim practise is right after school, but it's now up to the teacher to handle it.

 

Not every dc will respond to what has worked for these other parents. I have other dc who respond better.

[Nan in Mass]

I'm not doing it on purpose GRIN. It isn't like I think this stuff out carefully beforehand and then apply it. That is much harder. I just do things. Mostly, I only notice the results when someone posts a question here.

 

The trick to the scarily grownup method of motivating is recognizing when the motivation problem is a truly a motivation problem (as in bad attitude from boredom or lack of self-discipline because of youth or the human tendency not to want to exert oneself), and when the motivation problem is really just tiredness or dealing with something else (like the death of a pet or an illness). Doing something scarily grownup is not at all the right solution to the latter.

 

-Nan