Am I old-fashioned? (Sleeping arrangements)

[elegantlion]

Gosh, can't imagine even considering it an issue.

Marriage is a state of mind, not a bit of paper. My kids value marriage as a committment- and we didn't even marry until they were 4 and 5 years old.

You can be committed and not officially married.

And you can be married and...so what. Plenty of unhappy, miserable, stupid people who wreck their kids' lives have a bit of paper to say they are married.

I would be much more concerned about the log in my own eye before worrying about the speck in others' lives. I would be far more interested in whether they are poeple I would want around my kids...whether they drink alcohol to excess or are rude etc....than whether they have a bit of paper to say they are married.

 

While I do agree in the sanctity of marriage I appreciate your post. I would be much more concerned about the character of people I allow to visit my home, even if they are relatives. I have some I would not allow to stay with me, even married couples, because of how they treat and talk about others.

 

I also find it assumptive that this couple would be "getting it on" while visiting relatives. People, even unmarried couples, can share a bed and presumably not have relations. :tongue_smilie:I do have friends who are a live-in couple. They are welcome in my home at any time.

Edited November 30, 2010 by elegantlion

[MamaT]

I voted no, we would not allow it in our home. They should repect your rules if they want to stay in your house.

[Carol in Cal.]

Not right now, as I have a young teen in the house. I would probably leave it up to an older couple if that were not the case. Not that I condone it, but just that I wouldn't feel the need to make a stand that would take priority over the relationship if not for DD being at an impressionable age.

[UmMusa]

Well, if you're old-fashioned, then so I am. I wouldn't allow an unmarried couple to sleep in the same room in my home. I wouldn't be rude about it, but I would be firm, and if they don't like it they can stay somewhere else. Sex outside of marriage is against our religious beliefs, and while it's not my business what other people do in their homes, what they do in MY home is, and that's not what I want modeled for my children.

Bingo

[ChiMomNP]

We lived together before we were married. If it were me and one of my relatives said that to me, I would either get a hotel room or not come at all. My relationship with my now DH is/was way more important to me than my relationship with my family. We are a package deal and we were from the get-go. I'd choose to spend the holidays with him and wake up in his arms on Christmas morning over anything other option. That is just me. Even before we married we were a family raising my son together and I'd not be willing to "pretend" we were not to appease my other family members. I wouldn't argue about it or put up a fuss, I'd just make other arrangements for the holidays.

[Catwoman]

Perhaps the boyfriend is scared of the dark and that's why he needs to sleep in the same room with your SIL. :glare:

 

Ok, that's probably not it.

 

He sounds like a big baby to me, though. If he wants to stay at your house for free, he can abide by your rules. If he insists on his way or the highway, tell him there are some nice hotels out by the highway and that he can pay to stay in one of them.

 

Personally, I'm less upset about the unmarried couple in the same room issue, than I am by the Inconsiderate Houseguest Syndrome from which this couple seems to be suffering.

 

At what point did it become fashionable and acceptable for houseguests to set the rules for their hosts' homes? :angry:

 

Cat

[Laurie4b]

I am an oddball on this one.

 

We are religious--conservative Christians, but I wouldn't see it as my business to take a stand with adults outside the Christian community. My job would be to love them as they are. I think my kids now would understand without being told that we aren't condoning it; when they were little, we would have explained that while we think it's wrong, it's not our job to set the standards of other adults outside the church.

 

The only time I would not allow it would be if one or both members of the couple were self-identifying as Christians. In that case, I'd be acting as a member of their own community and upholding the Scriptures for how Christians should interact with each other. I would be condoning it as okay and participating in the sin if I allowed it in that case.

[zaichiki]

Do I remember reading/hearing that in some states in the US a couple who has lived together (as IF they were married) for a certain amount of time is considered legally married?

 

Would this example fit as a common-law marriage? If so, would we have the right to judge that they should not share a room?

 

Just wondering...

[mom2denj]

When I first went to visit my dh's grandparents before we were married, we were put on separate floors of the house. Your house. Your rules. If they don't like it, they can get a hotel. I would not allow it in my home either.

 

Yes, this!!! My vote is definitely NO!

[BarbecueMom]

Boyfriend sounds like a real piece of work. Forget separate rooms, I'd have him sleep in the car.

[justamouse]

If they were living together, I'd allow it. It is my house, but that is their living arrangements and they are my guests.

 

I lived with Dh, too, so I have no stones to throw. He and I were married to each other long before we said I Do. Marriage is a commitment of the heart, not a piece of paper. If they are cohabitating, that is their own arrangement and I will respect that.

 

I can't really imagine having a problem with an unmarried couple sleeping together at my house unless they were just nasty people. Then I wouldn't have them there at all so it's a moot point. My kids can see a loving committed couple that aren't 'married' in the sense of the word, and they can see toxic relationships where the people are 'married' and committed to hurting each other. I'll take the former.

[zaichiki]

Another questoin --

 

Do the kids know the people who are living together? Do they know that these people aren't married? Just wondering if the whole problem could be moot and therefore less stressful for you all?

 

Surely older kids would know, and a family who wants to take a clear stand that living together is immoral would want to do that early.

[Impish]

Perhaps the boyfriend is scared of the dark and that's why he needs to sleep in the same room with your SIL. :glare:

 

Ok, that's probably not it.

 

He sounds like a big baby to me, though. If he wants to stay at your house for free, he can abide by your rules. If he insists on his way or the highway, tell him there are some nice hotels out by the highway and that he can pay to stay in one of them.

 

Personally, I'm less upset about the unmarried couple in the same room issue, than I am by the Inconsiderate Houseguest Syndrome from which this couple seems to be suffering.

 

At what point did it become fashionable and acceptable for houseguests to set the rules for their hosts' homes? :angry:

 

Cat

:iagree:

I really, truly do not understand why the host has to change their principles to accomodate a guest. Seriously. Since when did a guest have the right to demand to trump the host's beliefs? I'm just boggled.

[MrsBasil]

I would allow it and I have before. My kid is young, so we probably don't have the same worries.

 

I agree that it is your house and your rules and that you should do what works for you.

 

On a personal note, my BIL brought his (male) partner to meet us and stay for a visit several months back and I was extremely uncomfortable with the whole thing and was unsure about sleeping arrangements. In the end I decided their comfort as guests was the most important thing and offered them the choice of our guest room(big bed, close-able door, kind of drafty, no TV) or our TV room(separate couches, cats who will visit, no door, TV, warm, private bathroom and further away from our room and DS's) and let them choose what would work best for them.

 

The visit went very well and I'm glad I did things the way I did them. I think I would have been well within my rights to do them differently since my house, my rules is valid, but I am hoping I paved the way for smooth family relationships.

 

:grouphug: cause it's a tough choice.

[Imprimis]

Gosh, can't imagine even considering it an issue.

Marriage is a state of mind, not a bit of paper. My kids value marriage as a committment- and we didn't even marry until they were 4 and 5 years old.

You can be committed and not officially married.

And you can be married and...so what. Plenty of unhappy, miserable, stupid people who wreck their kids' lives have a bit of paper to say they are married.

I would be much more concerned about the log in my own eye before worrying about the speck in others' lives. I would be far more interested in whether they are poeple I would want around my kids...whether they drink alcohol to excess or are rude etc....than whether they have a bit of paper to say they are married.

 

I completely agree with Peela's post on this issue.

 

That said, it's your house, your rules---for instance, I don't allow smoking in my home, period. And, it's a rule on which I will not bend---no matter who the guest is...

[OleanderRain]

I would never tell two adults they couldn't share a room if they wanted to. Not even in my house. It wouldn't even cross my mind to do so (and would feel way too judgmental and bossy to me if it did cross my mind).

 

And they already live together for crying out loud so it seems even more silly to me.

 

Nor would I feel comfortable (or interested in) staying at someone's house who tried to tell me I couldn't share a room with my live in partner because we weren't married; I'd get a hotel instead and would feel a LOT more free to be myself by doing so. I couldn't even relate to a person like that, to be honest.

 

But, then, I DID live with my husband for some time before we married, and I'm more of a "to each his own" kind of person, and I think my kids are growing up okay despite that.

 

Sure, in the end, it's a "your house, your rules" kind of thing, but it's definitely not a rule I'd feel comfortable either enforcing or following and I'd feel quite awkward around you (and those who feel the same way as you). (P.S. When my husband and I did visit friends/family before we were married, no-one, fortunately, ever told us where/how we could sleep, when we could be together, etc, so I've never actually even encountered this issue/attitude and yes it does seem quite 'old-fashioned' to me).

 

:iagree:I could have written your post! I voted Yes, I allow it. My husband and I bought a house together before we got married and had a child together before we got married, I would be a hypocrite if I didn't allow it. :D Back then, if someone asked us to stay in separate rooms, I wouldn't have been happy about it. I would not have argued (your house, your rules), I would have told you that we would be staying in a hotel or not coming at all.

 

ETA: To answer your question, it seems like a very old-fashioned value to me.

Edited November 30, 2010 by OleanderRain
ETA: And answer to the original question.

[sarahf.]

I so wish I could just "like" this comment:) I could not have said it more eloquently!

 

 

Obviously, you should do whatever your house rules dictate, and they should accept that.

 

At our house, the standard is that if two people are in a loving, committed relationship, we treat them like a married couple. I refuse to hold marriage up as the standard until all loving, committed couples are allowed to marry.

[JoyfulMama]

I answered "Other."

 

When my younger brother was in a committed relationship, he was invited to share a room with his partner. It wasn't sharing a bed, as it was 2 twins, but it was what we had to offer, and it had a closed door. We had either no children, just one child (an infant) at that point, and we were comfortable with the arrangements.

 

Currently my older brother is in a relationship, but I wouldn't call it committed. Over a year ago they asked to stay here, and when I hesitated my brother made it clear they would stay in the family room, and keep their clothes on. :lol: They were allowed to do that. However they had only just met, and I was uncomfortable with the idea of them sharing a private space. Even now, I'd still have them camp out in the family room. They have not made a committment to eachother. They visit eachother (they live in separate countries), and aren't sure what direction they want their relationship to go in.

 

So for me, I want my children to recognize the difference between a casual relationship, and a committed one. I want them to know that we value the committed relationship in our home.

[wapiti]

First, your house/your rules, and if they don't like it, they ought to get a hotel room and ought to be able to refrain from making any snide remarks.

 

Second, whether I would allow it would depend on a number of factors: how serious the relationship is, how old they are (twenty? forty?), how old my kids are, etc.

 

If my older brother (45 yrs old) brings his girlfriend to my house to stay over, I fully expect them to stay in the same room. At this point, my oldest is nine, and I do not expect to have to answer any questions about it. I am not going to go there with DD. If she were older, I might expect I'd have to do some sort of tapdancing, but I would not prohibit my sibling from bringing his girlfriend and staying in the same room as long as it's a long-term thing. Now, if my mother were visiting at the same time, I'm not sure what I would do - probably leave it up to my brother ;).

[Farrar]

It would never occur to me not to have them share a room.

 

I don't object to the example it would set for my children, either.

:iagree: Totally agreed.

 

The last unmarrried couple who stayed here isn't legally allowed to get married... At least, not where they live. It would be legal here.

[annandatje]

I would offer whatever would make them comfortable during their stay as long as it does not significantly compromise my comfort in my own home. Knowing they live together, I would assume they prefer to share a bed. This position stands regardless of sexual orientation of the individuals comprising the couple.

 

A civil or a religious ceremony does not a commitment make. For five years, we were a deeply committed couple. Ultimately we married because of certain property ownership laws and property rights accretion and because it was just simpler when having children.

 

We've hosted numerous unmarried couples over the years. My children never inquired about couples' marital status although we would have answered them frankly if they did.

[Rosie_0801]

Obviously, you should do whatever your house rules dictate, and they should accept that.

 

At our house, the standard is that if two people are in a loving, committed relationship, we treat them like a married couple. I refuse to hold marriage up as the standard until all loving, committed couples are allowed to marry.

 

:iagree: unless they were under 18 and not in a defacto relationship. If that was the case, they would not be sharing a room at my place. Anyhow, I'd rather my kids didn't learn to spell hypocrite by looking at me ;)

 

Whether or not you are old fashioned depends very much on the prevailing views in your area/sub culture. Here your request would be offensively old fashioned, and there is such thing as a common law marriage, but you aren't here so that's irrelevant. Then there is the matter that you don't care whether you are old fashioned because you hold your beliefs for a reason. So, as everyone else seems to be saying, Your House, Your Rules and if they don't like it or anything else about your place, they can pay for a motel.

 

:)

Rosie

[Miss Sherry]

...... and there is such thing as a common law marriage, but you aren't here so that's irrelevant. ...........

 

:)

Rosie

Regarding a common law marriage,there is also such a thing in the United States. But only some states have common law marriage and some states no longer recognize common law marriage that did in the past.

[rootsnwings]

I would never tell two adults they couldn't share a room if they wanted to. Not even in my house. It wouldn't even cross my mind to do so (and would feel way too judgmental and bossy to me if it did cross my mind).

 

And they already live together for crying out loud so it seems even more silly to me.

 

Nor would I feel comfortable (or interested in) staying at someone's house who tried to tell me I couldn't share a room with my live in partner because we weren't married; I'd get a hotel instead and would feel a LOT more free to be myself by doing so. I couldn't even relate to a person like that, to be honest.

 

But, then, I DID live with my husband for some time before we married, and I'm more of a "to each his own" kind of person, and I think my kids are growing up okay despite that.

 

Sure, in the end, it's a "your house, your rules" kind of thing, but it's definitely not a rule I'd feel comfortable either enforcing or following and I'd feel quite awkward around you (and those who feel the same way as you). (P.S. When my husband and I did visit friends/family before we were married, no-one, fortunately, ever told us where/how we could sleep, when we could be together, etc, so I've never actually even encountered this issue/attitude and yes it does seem quite 'old-fashioned' to me).

 

:iagree:

 

What she said! :)

[HelenNotOfTroy]

In an older Miss Manners book, she says that the "old-fashioned" thing to do is to put unmarried couples in separate rooms and ignore nocturnal traffic.

[Trish]

Look at it this way, if you allow it with other adults because you don't want to deal with the repercussions, then how are you going to say no to your own kids making the same request years later? You need to establish your policy now and that's that.

 

That's how it is in our house.

[momofkhm]

But I wouldn't let unmarried couples sleep together in my home. It has not come up yet though. I'm not looking forward to it either.

[Carrie12345]

In my house, the only place for guests has been in the living room until recently. I mean, unless someone wanted to use a twin top bunk or a toddler bed, lol. The only way I'd give up my own bed would be if it was my grandmother visiting. :tongue_smilie:

So, yeah, we've had unmarried couples sharing sleeping space in a common area. Both lived together, and both were engaged.

 

I will say that, even though dh lived in my family's home before we got married, he shared the living room with my stepbrother. My toddler and I shared a room at that point, and I wasn't comfortable having now-dh in there with us. When ds went visiting his father, that was different.

But we did move into our apartment together about a month before our wedding.

 

I do think that guests should respect their hosts' wishes. By the same token, I believe hosts are supposed to make their guests feel welcome.

[Mallorie]

I am a hypocrite. My dh and I also lived together and bought a house together before we married. That was before I became a Christian.

 

That said, if we wanted to stay somewhere that did not allow us to be together, I would have respectfully taken separate rooms. It is about respect. I would not have walked into a Christian home and insulted their faith with my words, why would I do it with my actions in such a profound way?

 

I realize the original poster did not come at this from a religious angle. However, the influence of it bothers them, and goes against what they are teaching their children. I would respect it.

 

There is a bigger issue here that bothers me. The SIL said she knew her bf would come but not respect the rule? That speaks highly of his character, no matter what religion they are or are not. People who do not respect boundaries should not be catered to under any circumstances.

[Mommyfaithe]

If if matters, we're not religious, but we made this decision because we want our DC to value marriage and its privileges. We don't foresee being okay with them sharing a room with someone before marriage in our home when they're older, so I don't want to normalize it now. If this had come up before we had kids, we probably would have allowed it, though.

 

:iagree:

I said no ecause of this. We need to set the proper example and a high standard for our kids.

 

Faithe

[lionfamily1999]

It's a simple request that you are well within your rights to make and it should be followed. If they feel strongly enough that they can't sleep apart for a few days, then they should be up front enough to say "thanks, I think we'll stay at a hotel." By arguing, she is behaving rudely, and it's totally pathetic to say that bf may just do what he wants regardless... he can't abstain for a couple days? Sheesh.

That part bothered me too.

This is a matter of personal conviction though. For you the drinking alcohol to excess is worse. However, to many having sex outside of marriage is a big deal.

 

So the question is really not so much about sleeping arrangements but whether or not a host has the right to stick to their moral standards while entertaining guests.

....

 

I would be much more concerned about the log in my own eye before worrying about the speck in others' lives. I would be far more interested in whether they are poeple I would want around my kids...whether they drink alcohol to excess or are rude etc....than whether they have a bit of paper to say they are married.[/QUOTE]

There's a difference, Peela.

 

Nobody's telling them not to live together...They're simply following their conscience about the situation. They aren't comfortable with the example it would set for their children, and they have the right to feel that way, just as sil can feel put out about not getting her way. At the end of the day, parents have to do what they feel is best for their kids, and if they think that allowing an unmarried couple to share a room contradicts their teachings, then they absolutely have the right to say separate bedrooms. The threat that the bf won't go along with it is over the top, imo. If you want to follow your own rules, then get a hotel room, where you're paying for the privilege.

 

I was a single mom before I married Wolf. It never dawned on me to expect to share a room with anyone but my kids when visiting someone else's home overnight.

Me too.

:iagree:

Do I remember reading/hearing that in some states in the US a couple who has lived together (as IF they were married) for a certain amount of time is considered legally married?

 

Would this example fit as a common-law marriage? If so, would we have the right to judge that they should not share a room?

 

Just wondering...

I reserve my right to judge right behaviors (and the improper ones) in my own home. It's interesting, because there are many places in the Bible that lament how people stopped judging. We are not supposed to judge others' hearts, but we are supposed to use judgement to discern right behaviors. Of course, this is from a Christian perspective and the op said religious conviction was not an issue...

Boyfriend sounds like a real piece of work. Forget separate rooms, I'd have him sleep in the car.

:lol:

Another questoin --

 

Do the kids know the people who are living together? Do they know that these people aren't married? Just wondering if the whole problem could be moot and therefore less stressful for you all?

 

Surely older kids would know, and a family who wants to take a clear stand that living together is immoral would want to do that early.

There's a world of difference between people doing something of their own accord in their own lives and people accepting what they consider wrong behavior into their own home. I am friends with people that do many things I know are wrong. I can love them anyway and even invite them over, but I will not allow those behaviors in my home. I do not condone their activities, I love them inspite of those activities. Allowing it under my roof is condoning it.

[Mejane]

I have no problem with unmarrieds sleeping together, but that's at my house. I said it in the dog thread, and I'll say it again here - company does NOT get to decide who/what they'll bring to your home or what they will do when they're there. Your house, your rules. Period.

[Katiebug_1976]

They would be seperated here too! Auntie and her bf need to respect your values and rules. They should want to help set the example for your dc, not destroy it!

[mommaduck]

I was a single mom before I married Wolf. It never dawned on me to expect to share a room with anyone but my kids when visiting someone else's home overnight.

I was taught growing up that even if a couple lives together before marriage, or is sleeping together with everyone's knowledge, that that is just something you don't expect to do (even if you don't intend on having relations) at someone else's home. We were taught that it was disrespectful, regardless of religious views.

 

BTW, my mama and stepdaddy lived together before marriage, but they would not have dreamed of sleeping in the same room at any relative's house during that time...again, out of respect.

Edited November 30, 2010 by mommaduck

[lionfamily1999]

My in-laws put my husband and I in the same room before we were married. We were not super young, but we were not married. I was a little surprised by it. It obviously didn't bother them.

 

If I was living with him at the time (I was not) I have to say I'd be bothered if someone insisted we sleep in separate rooms. Obviously your house your rules. If it meant that much to you I'd get over it (especially if I was trying to save money on a hotel). Frankly, I'd be a little insulted though. It sends the message you don't approve and you think your feelings matter more than mine. I'd feel pretty uncomfortable with that.

"You think your values matter more than my feelings." She's not saying it makes her feel bad, she's saying she believes it is not correct behavior. Her values are more important than her guests' feelings.

[Impish]

I think it boils down to culture.

 

Each family has its own culture. To demand, as a guest, that they change it to accommodate you is just wrong to me. I don't get the 'unwelcome' aspect either. If the bf was unwelcome, he wouldn't be invited to start with. So, its not that anyone is unwelcome, its that the family culture doesn't include unmarried people sharing a bedroom.

[mommaduck]

I think it boils down to culture.

 

Each family has its own culture. To demand, as a guest, that they change it to accommodate you is just wrong to me. I don't get the 'unwelcome' aspect either. If the bf was unwelcome, he wouldn't be invited to start with. So, its not that anyone is unwelcome, its that the family culture doesn't include unmarried people sharing a bedroom.

I think this is it. There are/have been cultures where marriage wasn't a piece of legal paper, but was still very legitimately marriage. I do realise that many are going back to this. In fact, I would love the government to be out of marriage and make it strictly a religious/cultural thing as we don't all share the same faith or culture. Even in those contexts, people did recognise the difference between a commitment and a loose relationship though...one was permitted, the other generally looked down upon.

 

I have to admit that I do have a friend in this situation...living together, have a baby...but he still has one foot out the door, puts off marriage in any form...in that case, I believe she would even appreciate my not having them in the same room at my house just to make her own point (she wants a commitment and she wants it on paper).

[FaithManor]

Personally, I think the biggest issue in America is that manners aren't really being taught anymore. People used to know how to be a "guest" in another's home. Not so much anymore...everyone seems to think they should go invade someone else's "castle" and those owners should curl themselves into pretzels catering to the guest. I would not dream of going to someone else's home and behaving in a manner that makes them uncomfortable nor would I make a judgment against them because they did not accept some behavior that I thought was acceptable. Frankly, it's no wonder that Americans are stereotyped by other cultures as rude and obnoxious. We go visiting and then announce to our hosts, "This isn't like home! You're doing it wrong!"

 

Good grief, it doesn't matter where you fall on the living together without marriage issue, the fact of the matter remains that this couple is visiting someone else's home and they are immature and ill mannered enough to expect that they should get to have there own way AT SOMEONE ELSE'S home and apparently some ridiculous man-child will make a scene about it. It's not a defensible position to take. What's next? Oh the host family is deathly allergic to smoke and two of the children have asthma but the host can't say "no smoking" because that would make the visitors uncomfortable?????

 

Sorry, I don't buy into it. These people are guests and need to act like it or get a hotel where they have paid for the opportunity to be obnoxious.

 

Faith

[mommaduck]

Personally, I think the biggest issue in America is that manners aren't really being taught anymore. People used to know how to be a "guest" in another's home. Not so much anymore...everyone seems to think they should go invade someone else's "castle" and those owners should curl themselves into pretzels catering to the guest. I would not dream of going to someone else's home and behaving in a manner that makes them uncomfortable nor would I make a judgment against them because they did not accept some behavior that I thought was acceptable. Frankly, it's no wonder that Americans are stereotyped by other cultures as rude and obnoxious. We go visiting and then announce to our hosts, "This isn't like home! You're doing it wrong!"

 

Good grief, it doesn't matter where you fall on the living together without marriage issue, the fact of the matter remains that this couple is visiting someone else's home and they are immature and ill mannered enough to expect that they should get to have there own way AT SOMEONE ELSE'S home and apparently some ridiculous man-child will make a scene about it. It's not a defensible position to take. What's next? Oh the host family is deathly allergic to smoke and two of the children have asthma but the host can't say "no smoking" because that would make the visitors uncomfortable?????

 

Sorry, I don't buy into it. These people are guests and need to act like it or get a hotel where they have paid for the opportunity to be obnoxious.

 

Faith

Thank you! There are many people's homes, of various faiths and cultures where certain things that I may do would not be appreciated or welcomed...those things I refrain from doing and making a spectacle of myself and disrupting their home.

[mommaduck]

This kind of made me laugh. My ILs are the only ones who visit basically. My MIL comes in and completely takes control of the place. She even rearranges my cabinets and fridge contents. She goes through my closets and makes my bed.

 

She is the worst guest EVER. I bend over backwards for her and she is just such a BLEEP! And what is her excuse? She is not from the "didn't learn manners" generation. Ya know?

She doesn't have one; she's just rude...though she may be deluded into thinking she's "helping you".

[FaithManor]

Well, she obviously never learned how to be an appropriate guest! There are jerks everywhere but I am getting to the place that I won't invite them to my home anymore. Life is to precious to spend it dealing with people like your mil.

 

I haven't had my two sil or one bil here in my home in five years. It's been bliss eliminating them from the guest list.

 

Your mil has NO EXCUSE! Can you just stop inviting her over??

 

Faith

[Joanne]

You asked are YOU being old fashioned, but the thread's answer is really more about what would each person do.

 

I don't value paper as marriage. If I loved/cared for at least one of the people enough to invite them to stay in my home, and I wasn't aware of any actual character/behavioral issues (abuse, addiction, boundary issues, etc.), their guest would also be welcome.

 

I would not worry about the example for my kids because I don't value "marriage as defined by paper" as an example. I'm frankly not even sure I value "not until marriage" as the standard for sexuality anyway.

[vonfirmath]

If I were to be staying at their home I wouldn't expect him to give up his bed-it is his home no matter what I think. But at my house is a different issue.

 

I'd go further. If I visited someone that was living together and not married, we would not stay in their house. We'd stay in a hotel. See them during the day, spend time with them. But I'd feel that if I could not let them share a room in my house when they came to visit, that we should not stay in their house in the same circumstances.

[KidsHappen]

Your house, your rules. I would consider it a little old fashioned but I would respect your wishes.

[phathui5]

That's a hard call for me. If they were Christians, I would probably ask them to sleep separately, since I don't want my kids seeing unmarried Christians sharing a room. On the other hand, hopefully they wouldn't even be planning to share a room. If they were unbelievers, I wouldn't even bring it up.

[Gratia271]

company does NOT get to decide who/what they'll bring to your home or what they will do when they're there. Your house, your rules. Period.

 

:iagree:

I don't presume to dictate what others do in their own homes, and I expect the same in return. Decorum dictates that people respect the host's choices; it is simply rude to place demands on someone with respect to their own home. DH and I have friends who have an issue with drinking alcohol, so we don't take wine to their house even though we prefer it with dinner. It is simply common courtesy.

[kalphs]

Your house. Your rules. If they don't like it, they can get a hotel.

Had a similar situation in our family.

They ended up getting a hotel room.

[Mom22ns]

I faced this situation with my sister a few years ago. DH and I agreed that unmarried couples do not share a bed in our house. I also agree with the OP that I would not care if I didn't have children, but it is not the example I want set for my dc. We teach that sharing a bed is for marriage.

 

When my sister and her boyfriend came, they chose to spend the night at a hotel, leaving her kids at my house. I found it annoying because I ended up babysitting her kids quite a bit so that she could have "alone" time with her boyfriend. But she met our requirement and I was willing to meet them half way. This was her first serious relationship after divorce. It did not last. She has never tried to bring another boyfriend to our house, even the one who currently wants to marry her. She knows my stance and just lets it go. It has not damaged our relationship. I just set boundaries. I think that is healthy.

[Unicorn.]

No, she should set the record straight with her boyfriend before they arrive and if he can't respect it make plans to stay elsewhere before they arrive.

Frankly, if they said that, my dh would say he wasn't playing that game and never mind, we'd see them at dinner and here's a list of hotels. How rude.

 

.:D

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[lionfamily1999]

I'm not seeing a huge difference between what you are saying and what I'm saying.

 

I buy into the "her house her rules", on the other hand what happened to trying to make a guest feel welcome and comfortable? Obviously there are limits, I'm just not sure this is one of them (for me).

Values are ideas that are regarded as important, regardless of how someone is feeling. Feelings are emotions and those change all the time.