Work from home Dad and homeschooling teenage boy - How to prevent

[JennifersLost]

tension before it even starts.

 

Dh is supportive of homeschooling, but also wants a certain measure of quiet and "adult" time during the hours when the kids are at school.

 

So, I'm already working with ds about arranging music practicing times (he plays 4 instruments) for time when dh is either away from home or doing non-computer work.

 

How else can I diffuse tension? Ds is not crazy or rowdy. He's a great kid, but his almost 15yo sense of sarcasm and humor totally rubs dh wrong. I'm thinking that some of the time we'll go to the library, etc. Sometimes he'll be at band. There are times when dh is out of the house, etc.

 

I just don't want to have to constantly be the peace-maker here.

[WTMCassandra]

I'm going to go out on a limb here. I don't want to be snarky, but I think Dad needs to give a little here. You are absolutely right that you shouldn't be the peacemaker. Has Dad gone to a high school lately and seen how quiet (NOT!) a PS class is??? It is unreasonable for him to expect the house to be quiet and "adult" all day when you homeschool! It's basically like saying the children/young people shouldn't act like they exist! It's not an "adult" home, it's a family home! They are *his* children too.

 

Having said that, my DH worked from home for four years beginning when my children were 4 and 6. He had a designated office, designated hours where he was "off-limits," and I trained the children not to go in his office during those times. I only went there if I really needed to send mine to "the principal's office."

 

DH needs to either find, designate, or build himself a place that is not in the center of the family. Where does he work now?

 

How on earth can a 15yo find time to play FOUR instruments when/where his father is not?! I don't see how that's even possible. Does DH say it's OK to play that many? Then he needs to allow your son to practice.

 

As for your 15yo rubbing your DH the wrong way, the Dad needs to be the grownup. He also needs to teach and model respect so your 15yo "gets" it. If he doesn't like the way 15yo talks to him, then I think some family discussions are in order.

 

You shouldn't have to tiptoe around all the time and try to keep the peace. It's degrading to you and not good for DH and son.

 

I think you should choose a good time for your DH, or go out, and have a calm, serious talk about how the family relates to one another. Everyone should give a little. I have been there about working from home, but if he wants a totally pristine environment, he's going to have to rent or build himself a completely separate office. He can't have the perks of working at home and expect to avoid all of the downsides too.

 

I don't have pat, easy answers, but it sounds like the family dynamics need work, which is a much more worthy goal than trying to appease one person. I don't want to add to your problems or burdens. You can't tell anything by pixels, but I mean these things compassionately, not meanly. (((JennifersLost)))

[Karen in CO]

Beyond the obvious need to not disturb him when he is on a conference call and such, I have noticed a few things.

 

DH always thought ds wasn't doing enough school work. He also questioned ds spending time on the computer during "school hours".

 

We have had this issue the whole time ds has been in high school. We also had similar issues over homework and such the year ds was in ps. I try really hard to not be in the middle. Discussing school work during family time can help so that dh knows that yes, contrary to how it looks, ds is getting an education. Having set school hours helps so that your dh knows that the ds is done for the day and that it is okay to play on the computer or hang out with friends. Having dh in his own space with a closed door helps.

 

Part of the problems we encountered were exacerbated by dh being there all the time. However, we would have had the same problems had one been in the office and the other at school. Part of it is just how the two males deal with the teenager growing into manhood.

 

Peace

[Barb_]

How else can I diffuse tension? Ds is not crazy or rowdy. He's a great kid, but his almost 15yo sense of sarcasm and humor totally rubs dh wrong. I'm thinking that some of the time we'll go to the library, etc..

 

On one hand, I completely agree with the others. Dh is the adult and must do the adjusting. On the other hand, it's reasonable to ask a 15yo for 2-3 hours of silence each day. Maybe you could drop him off at a coffee shop, library, or bookstore for a couple of hours each morning for his independent work so that dh has some time he knows will remain sacred? Barring that, you could set aside a certain time every day that he works quietly in his room...as long as it is the same every day so that everyone knows what to expect. Outside of that concession, I think I would put my foot down at the outset that I wouldn't police my son's normal activity. Setting boundaries at the beginning will avoid much strife.

 

Barb

[JennifersLost]

You guys are right in that there should be discussion prior to homeschooling. Here's our dynamic: I'm a free-wheeling, child-centered, homeschool-loving, almost hippy-ish mama. Dh was raised in an extremely strict environment where everything was always pristine and the kids were sent outside at the drop of a hat.

 

We've made a lot of concessions (both of us) towards each other over the course of time, but since he's the one who wants a more policed environment, I always feel like my concessions involve more "work".

 

In some ways I've made my own bed here. Since I'm a pretty lackadaisical housekeeper, I think dh lacks the trust that if we make messes, we'll clean them up, too. Add into that the fact that dh has renovated just about every square inch of this house, so any incidental damage that happens damages "his" work. Add into that the fact that money is always a bit of an issue and you can see that some basic facts of having a medium-sized family make dh very nervous. I just don't get nervous, which makes him even more nervous.

 

Maybe I need two things here - to have a conversation with dh about homeschooling to set up boundaries that will make him comfortable. Maybe write them down for me to refer back to when I start to forget.

 

AND, maybe I need to research father/son relationships during the teen years. We're just entering this for the first time and I don't know what to expect.

 

So - you who have gone before....what should I expect about father/son relationships during the teen years?

[WTMCassandra]

We've made a lot of concessions (both of us) towards each other over the course of time, but since he's the one who wants a more policed environment, I always feel like my concessions involve more "work".

 

 

Being the one in our family that likes a more orderly environment, please note that to types like us, allowing more flexibility or biting one's tongue can feel like a TON of "work." :D

 

You are wise to distinguish between your "stuff" and your DH's "stuff." Mutual trust would be great--that he can trust you to clean up and keep things to a dull roar, and you can trust him not to expect a hush-hush office environment when other people live there all day long.

 

Your original question asked what you could do to make things go more smoothly, so perhaps working a bit more on keeping the house would be a real blessing to him. He needs to know that you respect the amount of work he put into renovating it and that you try to maintain it reasonably. He also needs to remember about normal wear and tear.

 

I think a conversation about homeschooling and boundaries is a tremendous idea. If the working from home means he is an entrepreneur and is feeling the pressure of generating income for the family, he needs to not take that out on you, yet you need to remember he's feeling that pressure all the time.

 

A work environment that fosters reasonable expectations is a must and will save everyone's sanity. (A silly example: DH can't set up shop on the DR table to make sales calls all day long and then get cranky if someone spills apple juice on his papers at lunch or makes noise during homeschooling.)

 

I would say that at a minimum, a bedroom as far from the homeschooling area as possible needs to be set aside for DH's work, and your DH needs to stay there when he needs quiet. Could he buy some good-quality, noise-canceling earphones? They're cheaper than a nervous breakdown ; ).

 

As for the father/son relationships, my son is only 9, so I can't speak to that. That is where you will probably have to step back, breathe, and encourage mutual respect on both sides. I hope others have words of wisdom for you on that.

 

Blessings to you.

[Amy in Orlando]

I like Cassandra's suggestions.

 

As the mom of twin 14 yo boys and a 15 yo boy, it seems to me that there will be certain degree of tension. There is here when dh is home. I find it exhausting. My ds's don't recognize the warning signs that their "joking" and "poking" are reaching the end of dh's limits. Dh doesn't recognize that they are seeking a reaction.

 

It was really making me insane about six months ago. Dh and I sat down, during a rare quiet moment, and talked about it. The solution we came up with was that when he was home at least one hour would be dedicated to something physical that he and the boys could all do together - sometimes they run, sometimes they go to the Y and sometimes it's just yard work. I'm amazed at the difference in the tension level that this one small change has made. It's still not perfect - I think it's an alpha dog thing to a degree - but it's MUCH better.

[JennifersLost]

the alpha dog thing. All my sons are his stepsons, too, and I think that makes a difference, too.

 

We're in the middle of a big renovation, too - pretty much the entire downstairs, where all the boys' bedrooms and the rec-room are, so this week it's tougher than usual.

 

We have a big house - 3500 square feet. My ds has his own bedroom and dh has his own office and both doors can close. It's only when he's practicing instruments that the sound carries all the way through both doors. I don't even notice it, but sometimes when dh is working on a tricky coding problem I guess he does. I don't blame him. When he has "his" music on I have to shut my door to my office or I can't write a thing - but it's the lyrics that mess me up, not the faint music.

 

Anyway, it's one of those things. When everything's fine, it's fine, but when the "men" get on each other's nerves it drives me nuts.

[Kris]

You guys are right in that there should be discussion prior to homeschooling. Here's our dynamic: I'm a free-wheeling, child-centered, homeschool-loving, almost hippy-ish mama. Dh was raised in an extremely strict environment where everything was always pristine and the kids were sent outside at the drop of a hat.

 

. . .

 

 

This post hit me right between the eyes. I'm the strict one. My hubby is so relaxed he almost falls over! :D

 

We don't have a parent actually trying to work in the house -- my hubby is a truck driver and gone most of the time. I have projects that I work on, but nothing really that important.

 

We also don't have a child trying to practice four (wow!) instruments, but we do have the house issue in common. We've completely re-done this place and I was really uptight about any damage.

 

I'm not saying it's easy, but I really am working on it and we're all so much happier.

 

My family isn't close. Most of us can't stand each other. I was raised in a very strict house and I don't know how much that has to do with our ongoing relationships, but I realized one day that I didn't want to be sitting at home waiting for a call on Mother's Day that never comes.

 

I got a wake up call one day when I was telling my son, "Why can't you stop acting like a --" and my husband said, "A kid?!"

 

Bingo!

 

My son is still a KID! He's a very *big* kid, but he's a kid -- and since I've relaxed I've found that he's a pretty cool kid with a quick wit and a wicked sense of humor. I don't feel like I'm losing any of my "authority figure" status when we laugh together.

 

We decided to have only one bathroom in this house and I quickly found that we needed another! But then I realized that in a few more years, we won't need it. He'll be out on his own -- gone.

 

I gently urge your DH to think about his ongoing relationship with his son. I certainly don't mean to suggest that they don't have a good relationship, but you are saying you need to play peacemaker. Hubby had that role for a long, long time, and sometimes still does.

 

I know I've thrown a lot of odd things in here, but the main message is this: if he can just try to relax a little bit, he might find that he can really enjoy this time. Your son is certainly old enough to respect boundaries and rules, and he wouldn't be crashing about the house like a wild thing.

 

The practicing all those instruments thing, though, wow -- you've got me stumped on that. My son tried music with several different instruments and nothing suited him, so that was that.

 

I hope this works out for you! I have always been a little envious of the "free-wheeling, child-centered, homeschool-loving, almost hippy-ish" mamas I've ever met. :)

[WTMCassandra]

This is enlightening! I would reiterate my suggestions for noise-canceling headphones. They seem expensive at the outset ($75-$200), but it sounds like they would be worth their weight in gold for your DH.