When someone you love just can't keep a job

[wendylee]

Through various situations: job isn't challenging enough, job doesn't value me enough, etc. How do you encourage that person, and how do you keep from getting discouraged? Not really sure how to proceed, since this is a pattern over many years for this person. :tongue_smilie:

[wendylee]

No. Nothing that's a "problem", really. Just has bounced from job to job for the last 10 years or so. I can't really figure out what the issue is, bottom line....there's always a sense of the grass is always greener and everyone else is responsible for what's going on in my life, kwim? :tongue_smilie:

 

I'm trying to figure out how to handle this respectfully and gracefully.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Well, sometimes that is normal. A LOT of men, for example, have those sorts of issues until they get to the right age or find the right job. The important thing is for the person to remember their responsibilities and stick things out til they can get a new situation. For example, a husband and father has a family whose needs comes WAY higher up on his priority list than whether the discipline structure at the job is demeaning, the pay is low, the hours are too many, the task is boring, etc. How do YOU encourage them? Well, if it's like the hubby/father situation, you let them know you appreciate that they are mature enough to do what it takes to take care of business. If it's a young person, you may have to come up with the other benefits they are gaining from the experience. If it is both, do both.

 

BTW, I have been there and AM there...I make sure this person knows how much I appreciate they have gone back to a field they absolutely hate in order to take care of their family when they struggled SO much with doing the right thing when they worked this type of work the first time around. I also let them know that "this too shall pass."

 

ETA: If this person is just "someone," I'd mostly keep my mouth shut. A platitude here or there that might hit the spot, but....It's different when it's your adult child or hubby or whatever.

[wendylee]

I appreciate the good words, Pamela.

 

Mulling over what to say and do......if anything.

[hillfarm]

I think many in our society have gotten caught up in the myth that you ARE what you DO. I am an accountant, a banker, a receptionist, a...whatever. But that in no way defines a person. Yes, the job is part of who they are, but not all of it and probably not even the majority.

 

A person is so much more. A son, brother, father, cousin, uncle, etc. A member of the local church, a coach for the local soccer team, a regular at the BBQ joint on the corner, a neighbor, a friend. Most of the people outside of those from work rarely even think of someone as defined by their work.

 

We have seen a lot of this in our area, where the few well-paying jobs are factory ones, and the factories are closing down. There were lots of men and women who really had a hard time when their jobs were exported to other countries. They had to get over this whole "my work is my identity" thing.

 

Perhaps that is the problem with your friend. If willingness to work is not the problem, then perhaps it is more of an identity thing.

[lionfamily1999]

Through various situations: job isn't challenging enough, job doesn't value me enough, etc. How do you encourage that person, and how do you keep from getting discouraged? Not really sure how to proceed, since this is a pattern over many years for this person. :tongue_smilie:

It would depend on who that person is... My darling husband fit that pattern for a while. Then, we sat down and discussed these issues, how they were the same for every job, how it was possible that the work places and bosses were not the real issue.

 

My brother has this problem (I agree with Pam, it seems to happen to men a lot). His wife sat down with him and told him it was time to move beyond what he wanted to be when he grew up. He was thirty. He needed a consistent job.

 

With dh, I stopped sympathizing and started playing devil's advocate. Maybe they don't pay you more, because that doesn't make fiscal sense, they are trying to run a business after all. Maybe they do value you, but they have many other people with the same qualities to offer. &tc.

[wendylee]

"With dh, I stopped sympathizing and started playing devil's advocate."

 

with this person, I try to do more encouraging and sympathizing, because to do otherwise is very demoralizing for this person. And this person is very easily demoralized, so it ends up being a LOT of cheerleading on my part, which is getting tiresome.

 

This person also has a very overrated sense of himself and his abilities, and applies for jobs like CEO, etc., without even having a four year degree. So I try to just encourage as far as "you're a great friend" etc, instead of focusing on the job stuff, since it is seriously so far beyond his abilities and everyone can see that but him.

 

He's 40 now, and is still at the bottom of the barrel as far as job seniority goes. He does want to go back to school, though, so I see that as a positive step.

[Sputterduck]

While those "reasons" may be true, you still have to get another job BEFORE you quit the old one. You don't quit the bad one and hope a better one will come right away.

[lionfamily1999]

"With dh, I stopped sympathizing and started playing devil's advocate."

 

with this person, I try to do more encouraging and sympathizing, because to do otherwise is very demoralizing for this person. And this person is very easily demoralized, so it ends up being a LOT of cheerleading on my part, which is getting tiresome.

 

This person also has a very overrated sense of himself and his abilities, and applies for jobs like CEO, etc., without even having a four year degree. So I try to just encourage as far as "you're a great friend" etc, instead of focusing on the job stuff, since it is seriously so far beyond his abilities and everyone can see that but him.

 

He's 40 now, and is still at the bottom of the barrel as far as job seniority goes. He does want to go back to school, though, so I see that as a positive step.

Maybe he needs a little demoralizing then? All the same, if he's your friend that makes things a little more difficult, it's hard to be blunt with a friend. You could just let him push you far enough so you blurt out the truth, but that never ends very well.

 

Gosh, you're in a spot :(

 

How much does he turn to you? Do you know what jobs he goes for before he goes for them? Does he tell you before he quits a job? Is there any way you could make it HIS idea to stick with a job?

[wendylee]

"How much does he turn to you? Do you know what jobs he goes for before he goes for them? Does he tell you before he quits a job?"

 

I get a sense of it's about to happen; his complaining is at a fever pitch, he rants and raves for literally HOURS on the phone. And then I usually get a call that he's quit and boy, are they going to rue the day that "they" ever took advantage of him, etc.

 

Boy, it seems reading over this that he might be dealing with something bigger than just job bouncing. But I don't think he honestly has a mental issue, but maybe I'm too close to it.

 

The thing that really bothers me, other than the constant job upheaval, is that he expects me to be his cheerleader, support, etc. Not sure how to keep being graceful in the midst of this.

 

FWIW, it's my brother.

[lionfamily1999]

"How much does he turn to you? Do you know what jobs he goes for before he goes for them? Does he tell you before he quits a job?"

 

I get a sense of it's about to happen; his complaining is at a fever pitch, he rants and raves for literally HOURS on the phone. And then I usually get a call that he's quit and boy, are they going to rue the day that "they" ever took advantage of him, etc.

 

Boy, it seems reading over this that he might be dealing with something bigger than just job bouncing. But I don't think he honestly has a mental issue, but maybe I'm too close to it.

 

The thing that really bothers me, other than the constant job upheaval, is that he expects me to be his cheerleader, support, etc. Not sure how to keep being graceful in the midst of this.

 

FWIW, it's my brother.

Oh Wendy, :( that's so difficult.

 

I don't guess barbed jokes would help (that's what finally drove my brother into a regular work schedule). Maybe, the next time he says they'll rue the day you could ask him if he really thinks so.

 

I don't know how emotional your brother gets, so it's hard to give much advice. My brother can take a ribbing, but I'd hate to tell you something and have it turn out your brother is more sensitive. I'm going to ruminate on this for a bit, maybe even pass it by my husband and my brother. They would know what to say, right?

[Mejane]

I have several people in my life who bounce from job to job (with periods of joblessness.) Frankly, it's because they don't like having to work for money, having to be somewhere certain hours, or being accountable to someone. They simply don't want to grow up.

 

I had to cut ties with these people because they were draining my emotional energy. Sometimes tough love is the only thing that works.

[dirty ethel rackham]

 

The thing that really bothers me, other than the constant job upheaval, is that he expects me to be his cheerleader, support, etc. Not sure how to keep being graceful in the midst of this.

 

FWIW, it's my brother.

 

If it were my brother, I would stop being the cheerleader, support, etc. I would stop enabling the behavior. I would tell him out and out, that if it were a once in a while thing, I would be willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. However, since it is an ongoing behavior, the problem lies with him. If he wants to get ahead in life, he needs to change himself, not just his situation. You can run away from a bad situation only if it is not of your making. Otherwise, you keep making the same bad situation.

 

Rule number 1: You don't quit a job without another job. Period.

Rule number 2: You try to work things out and try to kill everyone with kindness to make things better.

Rule number 3: See rule number 1.

[elfgivas]

i think some folks have a real need to like what they do and to feel important, etc, etc. rather than being humbly thankful that they are employed at all. where we live, so many have lost jobs and there aren't any out there, regardless of who you are or how many degrees you have or haven't.

 

so if it happened to me, here, i would say quietly and clearly that many folks i know are homeless because of no job and that if he can't be thankful he's employed, then perhaps we should talk about the weather or "how about those Leafs?" (hockey reference) or "pass the bean dip"....

 

sometimes, being encouraging and listening may enable the dysfunction...

 

i'm also thinking that if you know this person really well, you could approach it pretty directly: "the last four jobs you've had you've complained like this and i've encouraged you and you've quit. so obviously what i'm doing isn't helping you. can you think of what else i can do that would? if not, then let's just agree not to talk about your work, because i'm feeling more like part of the problem than part of the solution. how about those leafs?"

 

eta: i just read that its your brother. with my brother, i'd go for both approaches.... he might get mad, but he'd think it through, too... and eventually stop calling me to complain.

 

good luck!

ann

Edited October 6, 2010 by elfgivas@yahoo.com

[wendylee]

"i'm also thinking that if you know this person really well, you could approach it pretty directly: "the last four jobs you've had you've complained like this and i've encouraged you and you've quit. so obviously what i'm doing isn't helping you. can you think of what else i can do that would? if not, then let's just agree not to talk about your work, because i'm feeling more like part of the problem than part of the solution. how about those leafs?""

 

I've tried that, with limited success, since he really and truly believes that everything is always the other person or company's fault, and that if he's not able to rant and rave about it for hours on end, with me listening, then I'm not being a good friend/sister. Blech.

 

At this point, seeing his history, I'm just going to try and be quietly supportive without really being that vocal about it. point out his positive attributes, like how he's a hilarious guy, loves his mom, etc. :lol: