Allowing dc to fail

[johnandtinagilbert]

so they learn how to pick up their own pieces and learn to keep themselves upright, without you doing it for them.

 

I'm feeling very spiritually led that it is time for this to happen in my house, yet by either my own pride or fear as a momma bear, I couldn't even begin to understand how to do this. I am so accustomed, as a forever home schooler, to have everything they need ready and waiting, and then jumping in front of traffic for them before they ever get hit w/ anything hard enough to cause a scratch that goes beyond the surface.

 

I know it's time to let them bleed a little, I just don't know how to approach it, where it's okay, where to draw the line. I *know* home is the place to practice failure, so one can learn to try and try again, I just don't know how to sit back and let my ds fall.

 

In addition, I know if I don't stop this, spiritually speaking, they won't know how to cry out to God as their refuge and Savior if they are too readily able to cry out to Momma.

 

HELP!

[rwjx2khsmj]

For me, it's a matter of deciding who is responsible and letting the responsible party carry their responsibility. And failure can mean different things. I want my children to try hard and work to get what they want but I also don't want to push them to do more than they are ready to do.

 

A really simplistic example would be climbing a rope or other physical skill. I encourage them to try but don't offer physical assistance just encouragement. If they aren't able to manage the feat, I tell them to work on it and try again later. If they do manage the feat, I cheer for them.

 

For commitments and activities as they grow, it's still important to make responsibililty clear to all involved. For example, with music lessons, it's my responsibility to provide my dc with the instrument, instruction and time to practice. If my dc is unprepared for the lesson, then the instructor is to speak to the dc about it, not me. I am not taking the music lessons, I do not need the lecture. That's all on the dc.

 

We attend a weekly Bible study. My ds8 has gone once without his workbook and Bible because it's his responsibility to take it. I remind everyone to grab their bags before we leave. He forgot. It was painful for him to go into the classroom and tell the teacher he was unprepared.

 

My dc know that they have responsibilities for shoes and weather appropriate clothes when they leave the house. They've gone barefoot into church or sat in the car (with supervision) at a fun destination because they made irresponsible choices.

 

These may or may not be the kind of failures you are talking about.

[Nan in Mass]

Well, if you figure out how to provide practice with failing AND model compassion and forgiveness, please tell me. I haven't been able to figure this out. I bail them out at home and I try to give them plenty of outside experience where they can fail without me knowing about it. Ã encourage and at times insist that they work hard, and I try not to do their work for them, but I structure things so they can't fail or so that nothing happens if they do fail. It will probably come back to bite me.

 

I remind my children to get their grips when we get in the car to go to gymnastics. I have even been known to drive back home again and get them. I have refused to let them skip gym because they forgot them (and I forgot to remind them) and were afraid to tell the coach, though. I try to help them. I don't let them blame me, though, if they get forgotten. They occasionally do, but it is with a laugh, just the way I blame them when they let me forget something. I apologize, though, if they get forgotten. I find this sort of natural sincerity easier to keep up than a more cruel-to-be-kind approach. And you know what? By the end of high school, I am happily surprised at how well they are able to keep track of their possessions. Well, the middle one's tent is still kicking around Japan, but that wasn't entirely his fault... and his next tent is full of fire ant holes because he didn't know they ate tent ... but he still has his third one.

 

What this looks like day to day is that I try (that's try, not succeed - sigh) to get them to keep an assignment book and make their own flashcards and keep track of their own school books and papers. This takes forever, it seems like. I don't keep track of grades, although I do from time to time point out that it is unacceptable to get three quarters of the problems wrong or to completely rewrite the directions. In order to grade fairly, I would either need to come up with assignments that are age-appropriate or I would need to know what student work of at that particular age looks like and I have no idea what that is. By not giving grades, I can simply let them aim for adult-level and fail repeatedly to produce adult-level work, but slowly improve from year to year. I can also let them try lots of things that don't work. Is that a sort of failing? Perhaps. It isn't the sort of scheduling failing that I think perhaps you have in mind. I do split work up into stuff I do with them and stuff I expect them to do on their own, and I remind them to do it. If they don't do it, not much happens except that they have a bit more to do on the weekend, sometimes. I adapt my plans as we go along, though, so nobody misses their precious few hours to play with friends. Perhaps that is a gentle enough "failing" that it doesn't bother me to do it and they learn but not the hard way? Every once in awhile I have let mine try a weekly list and totally not said anything the whole week. At the end of the week, we all regretfully decide they don't have enough self-discipline to manage that and we go back to school as usual.

 

At 16, mine suddenly were much more industrious and independent. At this point, they are working pretty hard at community college classes and various other things, so they are working most of the time, one way or another, and "consequences" seem sort of pointless. People can only do but so much. It might be easier to keep reminding and keep bailing him out for another year or two.

 

As you can see, I haven't been terribly successful at this.

 

You might want to reconsider having your son start community college with a math class. We were advised to start with something easy and fun. Both mine started with speech and drawing. It is hard for us, who have grown up going to school, to realize how many things there are to learn about classroom/textbook learning. Starting with speech and drawing gave me more time to work on writing with them, too. We were told not to let their first classes be anything that colleges would really care about, like math. Just an idea...

 

-Nan

Edited October 6, 2010 by Nan in Mass

[Jenn in CA]

You're definitely on the right track! The Lord will show you what is right for your children because you are seeking Him.

 

Perhaps here are some principles:

 

* Set the new standard with a smile. "Nothing personal, we're doing something new."

* Hand out consequences with a matter-of-fact attitude. Again, nothing personal. Also, communicate that you have confidence in your child that he will learn from it so you are not discouraged, or discouraging.

* It has to hurt but it doesn't have to be permanent. Most kids have a "sweet spot", something that they love and would sit up & take notice if you took it away. Also don't let permanent grades slide to the point of no return. Hover over with an eagle eye. :-)

* Leave the room when they're working so you aren't tempted to interfere or remind. But pop in periodically. :-)

* Look for ways to have them take responsibility. For ex., my son is in a CC class. Rather than reading the syllabus myself, I might ask him to read it and report to me, and then I'll ask tons of picky questions about it. If he can't answer them, he has now learned what to look for. Once I was sooooo tempted to call the prof to clarify my questions about the class... dh told ds to go to the prof's office hours and ask himself, and it was way better than me interfering.

* Along those lines it is good for them to see the big picture of their courses, ie. "where are we going with this and what are we trying to accomplish." But it takes a while for them to care, let alone grasp it.

 

Don't worry, once you try it it will get easier and it will all make sense. Your oldest is at the age where we parents start to make that transition to handing them more responsibility, and you'll survive!

[Miss Sherry]

I'm not sure what kind of responses you are looking for. Maybe you just wanted to put your thoughts in writing. But right now my only thought is, that with how we train our children, or don't, we can sometimes have a hard time being objective about our expectations of them and tend to be too strict or too lenient in some areas. It may help to ask someone that you trust IRL what they think from being around you with the children and getting input from your husband. That is, if it is advice you are looking for.

 

 

 

so they learn how to pick up their own pieces and learn to keep themselves upright, without you doing it for them.

 

I'm feeling very spiritually led that it is time for this to happen in my house, yet by either my own pride or fear as a momma bear, I couldn't even begin to understand how to do this. I am so accustomed, as a forever home schooler, to have everything they need ready and waiting, and then jumping in front of traffic for them before they ever get hit w/ anything hard enough to cause a scratch that goes beyond the surface.

 

I know it's time to let them bleed a little, I just don't know how to approach it, where it's okay, where to draw the line. I *know* home is the place to practice failure, so one can learn to try and try again, I just don't know how to sit back and let my ds fall.

 

In addition, I know if I don't stop this, spiritually speaking, they won't know how to cry out to God as their refuge and Savior if they are too readily able to cry out to Momma.

 

HELP!

[Miss Sherry]

You're definitely on the right track! The Lord will show you what is right for your children because you are seeking Him.

 

Perhaps here are some principles:

 

* Set the new standard with a smile. "Nothing personal, we're doing something new."

* Hand out consequences with a matter-of-fact attitude. Again, nothing personal. Also, communicate that you have confidence in your child that he will learn from it so you are not discouraged, or discouraging.

* It has to hurt but it doesn't have to be permanent. Most kids have a "sweet spot", something that they love and would sit up & take notice if you took it away. Also don't let permanent grades slide to the point of no return. Hover over with an eagle eye. :-)

* Leave the room when they're working so you aren't tempted to interfere or remind. But pop in periodically. :-)

* Look for ways to have them take responsibility. For ex., my son is in a CC class. Rather than reading the syllabus myself, I might ask him to read it and report to me, and then I'll ask tons of picky questions about it. If he can't answer them, he has now learned what to look for. Once I was sooooo tempted to call the prof to clarify my questions about the class... dh told ds to go to the prof's office hours and ask himself, and it was way better than me interfering.

* Along those lines it is good for them to see the big picture of their courses, ie. "where are we going with this and what are we trying to accomplish." But it takes a while for them to care, let alone grasp it.

 

Don't worry, once you try it it will get easier and it will all make sense. Your oldest is at the age where we parents start to make that transition to handing them more responsibility, and you'll survive!

I see you are getting some good comments right here.

[Miss Sherry]

I am looking forward to what others will have to say to you and will be checking back. I think you will get some very helpful input.

[Leanna Tomlinson]

I think one of my problems has been the wrong view of who my children are. Even though I know they are the Lord's, He created them; He knew them before I did, He has a purpose for each of them, yet I act as if they are mine. I act as if they are mere products of my parenting.

 

In part, I fault some of the parenting books I read early in my homeschooling years. The books had a message: "If you do "A", then "B" WILL happen." The message persisted in both a positive and negative vein. I started to see their faults as my fault; their successes were my anticipated results.

 

The change in my mindset happened slowly with a few (better) parenting books, a lot of excellent sermons rooted in God's Word, and one lightbulb moment with my mother. She (rightly) saw a weakness in me, and blamed herself. I remember getting frustrated that all of the sudden, instead of working through my problem, we were working through hers. I remember thinking, "This is not about you, Mom." Then I realized, "It's not about me either." How many times have I been thinking of my own failings, and trying to come up with a remedy as my children come to me with their weaknesses?

 

Each of my children is a unique created individual with their own strengths, relationships, weaknesses, and journey. I am here to assist and guide. I can no more determine who they will be than I can create them. This mindset changed the way I viewed things and began to subtly change my parenting.

 

I know I offer no practical advice here, and what I said was probably already obvious to most, but I just thought I'd share, because I can identify so strongly with the struggles you have shared this week.

 

Blessings,

[johnandtinagilbert]

To each of you and those to come, I offer thanks and gratitude. I couldn't get to sleep last night, came here and read responses and finally just broke down and told the Lord all the things I "knew" but was too paralyzed by fear to actually walk out. It is amazing how confession is the road to freedom.

 

I've been afraid they won't get to go to college b/c we won't have the $ and they'll be saddled by loans, so I wanted to rush and get as much free as possible. That is ending today. My son will continue at his pace, not the fearfully planned one. As if God can't provide for college anyways...He did for me (duh). This will not be easy for me.

 

I realized that all the talk of educating the child is the Real Stuff that makes homeschooling advantageous, not necessarily the ability to accelerate (which is great and a small part), but more so the ability to individualize and meet the needs where they are, how they need to be met. Somewhere, I think in the managing of a large family, I have lost too much of that, even though it is Home Schooling 101. Although I've been working towards individualizing via curriculum choices and varying the work per child, it also includes pace. I've been so attracted to the idea, but have observed from afar while others do it, unwilling to take the plunge. It's a mistake I still have time to correct and with God's direction, I think we'll get there.

 

I will no longer worry about getting "it all in," but rather work toward best serving my son and guiding Him to search out his future, all the while giving him the tools he needs to succeed in whatever he desires. I *know* this, but again, somewhere, the focus got mixed up. I may even delay the first CC class for a year, so he can enjoy high school and not cram it all so he can run off to college.

 

Talking through this with you all has really and truly cleared my vision this week and I can't thank you enough. The encouragement and wisdom that comes from this forum is truly priceless.

 

All in all, my testing will be to trust in the Lord and lean not on my own understanding...something not so easy for this Type A home schooler --- don't I know what's best (tongue in cheek)? Really? I don't. Okay...I suppose I can submit a bit now and actually trust God the way I tell my children to. My turn to walk it out and be more like the Lord I know: giving what is best for the individual, while keeping the foundation solid. WHEW! That felt wonderful to confess!

 

:grouphug: and thank you, thank you, thank you. Now, I'm off to give history lecture at a relaxed pace w/o feeling stressed to finish by any particular time. I can successfully switch gears making my high schoolers #1 on the priority list and not the little guys :) THANK YOU all for teaching me this!

[Nan in Mass]

You will be fine. I have read your posts for awhile now. You are paying attention to what you are doing, changing things that don't work, working hard. You will be fine. And as far as college goes, what seems to make or break the college experience is skills, not content. If you make sure your children have the skills they need, both academic skills and life skills, in all likelyhood they will be able to take advantage of some of the new flexibility of college and get a degree.

-Nan