Not coming home for Christmas?

[Karen in CO]

Yesterday as my ds and I were chatting, he told me he might not come home for Christmas. He finally has a job. He has an apartment. I can kind of see it, but :confused:. How can he not come home for Christmas?

 

At what point in the college life, do kids think they can stay at school for holidays? Am I over-reacting? We always do a big family ski trip for Christmas. I look forward to this all year. Yes, I understand this is all about me, but has anyone else gone through this? And what am I supposed to do? Hope he changes his mind? Cry and try guilt? Threaten to not sign next semester's student loan :D? Realize that 20yos are probably close to being adults and acknowledge his attempt at independence?

 

I just wasn't ready for this.

[JudoMom]

Yesterday as my ds and I were chatting, he told me he might not come home for Christmas. He finally has a job. He has an apartment. I can kind of see it, but :confused:. How can he not come home for Christmas?

 

At what point in the college life, do kids think they can stay at school for holidays? Am I over-reacting? We always do a big family ski trip for Christmas. I look forward to this all year. Yes, I understand this is all about me, but has anyone else gone through this? And what am I supposed to do? Hope he changes his mind? Cry and try guilt? Threaten to not sign next semester's student loan :D? Realize that 20yos are probably close to being adults and acknowledge his attempt at independence?

 

I just wasn't ready for this.

 

:grouphug:. That would be hard. Can you have his little sisters talk some sense into him ;)?

[Kareni]

My sympathies. My daughter almost didn't come home for the summer after her freshman year of college. She knew the job market here was limited, and she was trying to get an on campus job. As it turned out, she didn't get the on campus job, did come home for the summer, and did get a job here. We were pleased to have her here but certainly understood her reasoning. We're prepared for the fact that next summer, she may be elsewhere.

 

So, that said ~ any chance of a family trip to Tokyo over the holidays? If Mohammed won't come to the mountain, the mountain might go to Tokyo!

 

Regards,

Kareni

[Nan in Mass]

I have older children. Coming home for Christmas isn't optional. I would play guilt or whatever else it took. There have been years when my oldest was only around for Christmas morning and Christmas dinner and then left after that, but he has been here. I bent on all sorts of things, but not that. The big family ski vacation may not be an option if he has to work, but I would strongly encourage, almost to the point of coersing, that as well. Sad experience has shown me that at least one family vacations ought not to be optional until the child has a family of their own. For my oldest, summers didn't work so we instituted a ski-after-Christmas vacation. We borrow a condo from a friend and fill it full of any of our sons' friends who want to come. We feed everyone. We go some place with an around-the-town shuttle bus so we don't have to worry about them driving around. It has been a totally different sort of vacation than our regular very close, can't get out of arm's reach of each other because we are all stuck on a boat sort of vacation. And it is expensive, unlike going sailing. But this way, we have a family vacation. It is priceless as far as family closeness goes and it has been a big factor in continuing to keep us all feeling like a family. You'll probably get lots of other people telling you to let go, etc., but as I said, in my experience, this is not a good idea. The years before we began doing the ski vacation when the rest of us went sailing for vacation were the ones when the family felt the most untogether. I know my sons value it, too, because the older two have been saying the last few Christmases that all they want for Christmas is to go skiing, before they go back to school they ask if we can please do it again, and they talk about it non-stop with the youngest and each other when they come home for Thanksgiving. This is very different than it was when my oldest was 19 and 20 and I had to twist his arm to get him to come see us Christmas day. Now, he doesn't even remember not wanting to come. Anyway, I vote that you make it a family rule that everyone has to come home for Christmas Day and the ski vacation.

 

Hugs. I know how upsetting the whole thing is.

 

-Nan

[JennW in SoCal]

My 18yo ds is not coming home for Christmas. He is coming home for a long weekend in mid December to decorate the tree, make cookies and do other holiday/family stuff. He works for Disney and that holiday week is going to be packed so no days off for anyone. At one point we talked about all of us going out to visit him so we could be together Christmas morning, but the cost for 3 of us to fly cross country and stay in a hotel compared with the cost of him flying home before the holiday crush -- well there is no comparison.

 

I'm compensating by working extra Christmas Eve services, and we'll just have a very quiet Christmas morning.

 

It would be different if he were choosing to not come home, choosing to skip holiday traditions. I've known for several months now that this was how it would be and was able to come to terms with it. Disney takes good care of its employees and he will have a roommate in the same boat so I don't need to worry about him feeling abandoned and lonely. My ds is also finishing his college program in January and will be back home (I think -- he may decide to stay...)

 

I guess the question is how much your ds is working Christmas week, how far a trip it is to come home or to meet you at the ski slopes. If you can talk about it with him without the laying on the guilt trip, maybe you can find some kind of compromise. Try to hear what he wants, let him know you and the family will miss him, that Christmas isn't the same, but support him no matter what.

 

Then come back for some more hugs and support!!

[Yolanda in Mass]

Nope, you're not overreacting at all! I'd be pretty hurt, too, then angry. He's probably feeling pretty grown up now, going to university and living in Tokyo, has a job, an apartment. Living the life, I would say. Who's paying for all this? Is he financially independent? Did you guys talk about it before he left? I would let him know your expectations and how disappointed you are he's not coming home. If he were 30 years old, wouldn't you be saying this to him? Heck, my husband has to have a pretty good reason for not spending Christmas with his mom and he's all "growed up"!

 

Yolanda

 

PS - Our neighbor's daughter spent a gap year in Germany last year and told her parents she wouldn't be coming home for 11 months and she didn't want them coming over to see her either. Her dad's a pilot for a major airline so traveling is not an issue. They had to beg her to come home early so she could spend 3 weeks, instead of 2, before heading off to college. The family's friends told them: Tell her when she's coming home, don't ask her.

[Nicole M]

Well, there's guilting and there's telling the truth, like "Honey, are you trying to break your poor, dear mother's heart? Your mother who carried you, brought you into this world, and loved you and educated you? Do you want her to cry every single moment of every day during the Christmas holiday?" Guilt? Nah. That's the truth, baby. ;)

 

Seriously, though, that is a stinker.

 

Another thought, and maybe a long shot. Would there, by any chance, be another, perhaps young and attractive person involved with this decision? I know airfare isn't cheap, but perhaps two tickets might be less painful than missing your boy for Christmas.

[mcconnellboys]

Awwww, I hated not being able to go home for Christmas the first year I was in Louisiana and had to work. And I'm not even that close with my parents..... Won't he miss the ski trip? Is he thinking of that?

 

Maybe he knows that he has to work in order to keep his job. (Does he want you to come visit him, instead?) Maybe you could bring Christmas to him.....

[Brenda in FL]

Is it possible that he's thinking it might be too much of an expense? Who would be paying for the trip? Has that already been ruled out as to a cause why he's not coming home?

 

I'd be very sad too - but I don't think I'd make it a mandatory family rule as some have suggested - hmm - it'd depend on their age, and if we are still primarily financially supporting them.

 

 

:grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

I would be hurt. I think, until they are out of college, they should spend Christmas with the family.

 

After that, tho, I think of them as adults, who don't need to be guilted into anything. I guess I don't think of family ties as so strong that they extend your whole life. OH, that didn't come out right--I mean, I do think it's nice if kids come to their parents' for visits, for sure--but home isn't my family of origin's (parents') home, home is MY home. So going HOME for Christmas means I stay right here. MY parents (and dh's, of course) are welcome to visit. This is also because we can't go anywhere but here, since dh is a priest and has to work.

 

My family is, admittedly, not much of a family, anyway. One brother has died, one is an atheist (celebrates Christmas secularly so doesn't want to be here or at my mom's) who has pretty much abandoned our family, and everyone lives 6-15 hours away.

[In The Great White North]

I'll be the odd one here. I think you should:

 

Realize that 20yos are probably close to being adults and acknowledge his attempt at independence?

 

 

Yes, Christmas will be different, but do you plan on guilting him into visiting every Christmas for the rest of his life? That will not make for very good relationships with a daughter-in-law.

 

He may change his mind later. He may stay there and realize how much Christmas with the family means to him (and thereby granting you many other Christmases with him.) Skype him on Christmas day.

 

If you push the issue, he may decide that Christmas together is really a rather controlling affair and he would rather spend it with the in-laws when that time comes.

[Carol in Cal.]

My guess is that if he stays away he will hate it and it will motivate him to come back every other year for the rest of his life.

 

That's what happened to my grandparents. Yes, our traditional host house went AWOL one year, on a Christmas cruise. We were SO sad. They were SO sad. It ruined everyone's Christmas and they never did it again.

 

Possibly it helped that we made a tape of everyone performing some poem or song and ending up with how much we love and miss them. And that we loaded this into a little tape recorder that we wrapped as a Christmas present. Yes, the guilt rays were flying that day.

[mommaduck]

I'll be the odd one here. I think you should:

 

 

 

Yes, Christmas will be different, but do you plan on guilting him into visiting every Christmas for the rest of his life? That will not make for very good relationships with a daughter-in-law.

 

He may change his mind later. He may stay there and realize how much Christmas with the family means to him (and thereby granting you many other Christmases with him.) Skype him on Christmas day.

 

If you push the issue, he may decide that Christmas together is really a rather controlling affair and he would rather spend it with the in-laws when that time comes.

:iagree:

 

We no longer get together with family for Christmas. It became a powerplay and one that we could neither afford financially nor personally. He may have legitimate reasons for staying and working.

[Karen in CO]

Well, there's guilting and there's telling the truth, like "Honey, are you trying to break your poor, dear mother's heart? Your mother who carried you, brought you into this world, and loved you and educated you? Do you want her to cry every single moment of every day during the Christmas holiday?" Guilt? Nah. That's the truth, baby. ;)

 

Seriously, though, that is a stinker.

 

Another thought, and maybe a long shot. Would there, by any chance, be another, perhaps young and attractive person involved with this decision? I know airfare isn't cheap, but perhaps two tickets might be less painful than missing your boy for Christmas.

 

Yep, he would break his poor mother's heart. And then there is the girlfriend that isn't close to her parents that stayed here for a month over the summer. Apparently she is considering staying in Tokyo for CHristmas. Last year she was mad at him because he has such a good time at Christmas, and she didn't. Maybe a ticket for the girlfriend might be the best idea. We can't go to Tokyo because my brother and sister both bring their families skiing with us - there will be 19 people staying in my little house before we go up to the slopes.

[Karen in CO]

THanks Nan. This really helped.

[Karen in CO]

I don't want to tell his sisters yet - they'd be in tears. I'll save that for later.

[Krista in LA]

I'll be the odd one here. I think you should:

 

 

 

Yes, Christmas will be different, but do you plan on guilting him into visiting every Christmas for the rest of his life? That will not make for very good relationships with a daughter-in-law.

 

He may change his mind later. He may stay there and realize how much Christmas with the family means to him (and thereby granting you many other Christmases with him.) Skype him on Christmas day.

 

If you push the issue, he may decide that Christmas together is really a rather controlling affair and he would rather spend it with the in-laws when that time comes.

 

:iagree:

 

dh's family used to lay on the guilt trip every year and all it did was make everyone miserable. Please don't make him feel guilty about it. But I would look into seeing if it would make a difference if you bought a plane ticket for the girl too....

[In The Great White North]

And then there is the girlfriend that isn't close to her parents that stayed here for a month over the summer. Apparently she is considering staying in Tokyo for CHristmas. Last year she was mad at him because he has such a good time at Christmas, and she didn't. Maybe a ticket for the girlfriend might be the best idea.

 

:iagree: Offering a ticket and invitation for the girl friend could make everybody happy. (Of course, presented because she has no place to go for Christmas, not as a bribe/coercion to get him home.)

[Chris in VA]

But unless you know the FULL story of the girl, I wouldn't just offer her a ticket. It could break another mom's heart, a mom who may be waiting for her daughter's heart to turn home.

[Karen in CO]

But unless you know the FULL story of the girl, I wouldn't just offer her a ticket. It could break another mom's heart, a mom who may be waiting for her daughter's heart to turn home.

 

:crying: That is true. I know that she and her parents had a big, ugly fight before she went back to Tokyo. Maybe she will change her mind and go home for the holidays.

 

 

I will remember this and try to not cause this same grief for her mother.

[Brindee]

This is a tough one! Our 19yo son is at a college in Montemorelos, Mexico. I'm thinking the airfare would be cheaper for us than it would be coming from/going to Tokyo. However, we cannot afford to fly him home and back for Christmas! We are VERY family oriented, but he is living his dream there, and knew this before even finalizing on going.

 

Wow, not sure how people can afford college, airfare and huge, expensive ski vacations! Glad you all can do that though, how awesome! But that's not an option for many of us, I'm thinking, so we do what we have to do. As much as we hate not having him home for Christmas vacation, we are proud of him for working toward his dream, and happy that he is able to be there! We can't force him to come home, he wouldn't have the money to do that either.

 

Just thought I'd mention another side of the story--families who are no less family oriented than others, but just can't swing the costs of college, school for younger brother, air fare, etc.!

[JudoMom]

:crying: That is true. I know that she and her parents had a big, ugly fight before she went back to Tokyo. Maybe she will change her mind and go home for the holidays.

 

 

I will remember this and try to not cause this same grief for her mother.

 

:grouphug: I do hope he comes to his senses soon.

[zaichiki]

Before I type anything I want to say that my oldest is 11, so I have zero experience with this issue from the mother's perspective. But I've been the 20 year old.

 

1. 20 IS an adult.

2. He has an apartment? He IS home.

 

3. Of course you DON'T have to pay for his schooling (see no.1), but that should be a separate topic.

 

4. Don't play the guilt card. You don't want to be THAT kind of mom/m-i-l, do you? We have one over here, and it doesn't warm the cockles of OUR hearts, even though we LOVE her, IYKWIM.

 

5. If you want to offer to pay for/invite the girlfriend, go for it, but it shouldn't be done as a bribe (see no.4).

 

Anyway, grain of salt and all that. Like I said, my oldest is 11.

I hope you have a great Christmas and I hope you ds chooses to join you all so you'll be :).

[Daisy]

I never went home for holidays, but my university was 2,000+ miles away. I would have had to fly and it cost a small fortune. When my parents could afford it (which wasn't often) I was usually busting my tail working a job to pay for college.

 

I don't know. I guess I'm agreeing with zaichiki. He's an adult. You can offer but that is about it.

 

Man, I'm not ready for that.

[christine in al]

but no guilt.

 

I was the 20 year old girlfriend,,,

and not welcomed..

 

he chose me. If you try to force a choice between parents and love... young love wins. Shakespeare even wrote that play....

 

I'd consider these:

 

1. offer ticket for the girlfriend IF you can really include her.

 

2. talk to your husband about y'all's future as a couple in future Christmases when your children are grown and are developing their own traditions. and yes, sometimes at thier own houses. What do YOU TWO want to do?

 

3. just tell him how you FEEL. not what he should do about it, or that he is responsible for your feelings, just that you are having them and it's just how hard it is for you that he's growing up and you will miss him. and it's hard for parents to transition from having children to the sideline coaching of being parents of young adults

 

And it's his relationship with his sisters, not yours. He should be the one to tell them if he makes a decision that affects them. Try not to trangulate on this. Just tell him that he needs to tell his sisters. and let it go.

\

And one time my husband and I went to his families house for TEN DAYS over the holidays./.....What were we thinking!?!?!

oh goodness everyone was ready for us to go.

That was 28 years ago.

 

NOW...disclaimer: my oldest is 10, so check back in a decade!!!!!!

I'll eat some of these words I know.

good luck,

 

but i would truly think of this as a transition. Even if he comes home this year. he won't be coming home forever. Don't use power plays and guilt.. It will carode (spelling ! ) y'all's relationship.

~christine in al

[Teachin'Mine]

Hawaii is halfway. :D But I understand that the ski plans aren't able to be changed. Maybe you could plan a February, or Thanksgiving, family trip to Hawaii? He might not mind leaving his job for a week for that, and you can invite his girlfriend without the complications.

[Deb in NZ]

Send Christmas to him. He is an adult & has moved overseas. My first Christmas overseas, my family sent me a 3 foot tree, miniture decorations, Christmas cookies & candy, a filled stocking, a cassette of Christmas music, etc. It wasn't possible for me to travel from the Pacific Islands to VT, so they sent me some of "Christmas" at home. I think my younger siblings may have even made a few paper snowflakes to put in the box :lol: Christmas wasn't the same as being home, but we all knew that life was changing as we kids were growing up. I have been blessed to share 3 Christmases in the past 20 years in VT, but have taken what was special to me to help celebrate in my family when we weren't able to be in VT with my family. DON'T use guilt to get him home as he'll always feel that guilt in association with the holiday from now on. Send him your LOVE. He'll come home again for the holidays, maybe not this year, but some Christmas in the future.

 

We've always made a big deal about Thanksgiving (dh & I) with our 3 dc as it's a very special holiday to me. Dd finished her classes for the year the 10 days before Thanksgiving & she has plans to take a 3 week trip to Australia directly after finishing class :glare: I am not happy about her not being home for Thanksgiving, but have not told her. We will celebrate as we normally do & I may send in her suitcase a little turkey (the one made from a handprint ;) ) to wish her a Happy Thanksgiving. We'll most likely see her on Christmas day, but she is hiking the 4 days before Christmas & has volunteered to help at the Scout Jamboree 29 Dec-6 Jan. We won't get to see her much over our big summer holidays. Kids grow up & go their own ways. Let them feel that they want to come home, not that they have to come home.

 

JMHO,

Edited October 2, 2010 by Deb in NZ

[zaichiki]

Oh wow, Deb! I'm going to print out these ideas and put them in my jewelry box for future use!

 

Send Christmas to him. He is an adult & has moved overseas. My first Christmas overseas, my family sent me a 3 foot tree, miniture decorations, Christmas cookies & candy, a filled stocking, a cassette of Christmas music, etc. It wasn't possible for me to travel from the Pacific Islands to VT, so they sent me some of "Christmas" at home. I think my younger siblings may have even made a few paper snowflakes to put in the box :lol: Christmas wasn't the same as being home, but we all knew that life was changing as we kids were growing up. I have been blessed to share 3 Christmases in the past 20 years in VT, but have taken what was special to me to help celebrate in my family when we weren't able to be in VT with my family. DON'T use guilt to get him home as he'll always feel that guilt in association with the holiday from now on. Send him your LOVE. He'll come home again for the holidays, maybe not this year, but some Christmas in the future.

 

We've always made a big deal about Thanksgiving (dh & I) with our 3 dc as it's a very special holiday to me. Dd finished her classes for the year the 10 days before Thanksgiving & she has plans to take a 3 week trip to Australia directly after finishing class :glare: I am not happy about her not being home for Thanksgiving, but have not told her. We will celebrate as we normally do & I may send in her suitcase a little turkey (the one made from a handprint ;) ) to wish her a Happy Thanksgiving. We'll most likely see her on Christmas day, but she is hiking the 4 days before Christmas & has volunteered to help at the Scout Jamboree 29 Dec-6 Jan. We won't get to see her much over our big summer holidays. Kids grow up & go their own ways. Let them feel that they want to come home, not that they have to come home.

 

JMHO,

[Murphy101]

How about just plain old honest discussion?:confused:

 

"Son, I love you and really can't imagine a christmas without you here. Is there any way we can make this happen? Is it finances, work demands, do we need to expand our family to include your lovely girlfriend? If it is stuff you just can't change, we will still miss you terribly. But if there's a way we can work together, I'd be thrilled to help make this happen."

 

:grouphug:

[Yolanda in Mass]

Before I type anything I want to say that my oldest is 11, so I have zero experience with this issue from the mother's perspective. But I've been the 20 year old.

 

1. 20 IS an adult.

2. He has an apartment? He IS home.

 

 

 

I have a 20 yo and he has an apt at school and I can tell you he most definitely is NOT an adult, doesn't feel like an adult, doesn't act like an adult and he would be the first to tell you this. Our house is still his home, whereas his apt is....the apt or a glorified dorm room. Some 20yos are adults, some are not. Gotta' tell you though, haven't met too many 20yo who are truly adults. That would include the ability to support themselves financially. Doesn't help Karen in CO with the whole Christmas issue, but just want to add my $.02 regarding 20yos being adults.

 

Yolanda

[Yolanda in Mass]

Oh...just read about the complication with the girlfriend. Yikes! Lots more there than meets the eye. That's a tough one, Karen.

 

Yolanda

[jld]

I guess it's hard to know when to use coercion and when not to. I personally wouldn't for something like this, but would if my adult child's safety were in question.

 

Good luck deciding how to approach this.

[J-rap]

***

Edited February 19, 2023 by J-rap

[LBS]

and the presence of "significant others" will complicate it all, but, I think I would make an effort to enforce the family Christmas traditions, until there is a conflict with an in-law family situation. I'll waffle on that and add, that getting everybody together for a "sleep under the same roof" couple of days, and having a dedicated Christmas event, on dates other than Dec. 24-26 may be the best you can manage. My husband's mother was awful about understanding that while we live near her all year long, that means we go to my home for holidays. My mother was so understanding....and once we had kids who reached 3 years old, we started having Santa just come down our own chimney. I am still angry at my m-i-l for putting me thru that upset. I will not do it to my kids. If its going to be ridiculously cost prohibitive....oh, I'm waffling again. I would probably rather spend the money on a week long of fun and closeness than have a hurried holiday visit. I'm no help, but really feel for what moms have to go thru over holidays, travel, packing babies up, all of it. I haven't been out in stores lately, but its almost Halloween and isn't that when the Christmas selling season starts now? Ugh.

 

LBA

[Shifra]

I will preface this by saying that I am not Christian and do not celebrate Christmas; thus, I may (unintentinally) be minimizing the importance of the day to Christians. I do not intend to offend anyone. However, I do have a 19 year old daughter who's in college overseas for her second year. I made up my mind when she left at 18 that she is now an adult and our relationship would have to change. Granted, most of that had to do with the guilt feelings my mother in law would put on my husband and me every single holiday and vacation (she still does and we have been married over 21 years!).

 

So when my daughter turned 18, my mantra was "now you're an adult". Is she really an adult--no. She is not self-supportive. But I now expect that she will make responsible decisions on her own and face the consequences of them. Obviously, my husband and I are there for her when she asks for advice. But we expect that she will make the decisions. Now, she does not always make the decisions that I approve of or would have made either. But it's her life to make or break.

 

So I would not put a guilt trip on your son to spend Christmas with you. I would offer a ticket to him (and his girlfriend, if she is the obstacle to his coming), but ultimately, he is by your own admission a self supporting adult. What will happen when he marries and decides to spend Christmas at his in-laws? Will you ruin his domestic happiness by insisting that he come for Christmas? Maybe he will lose his job if he comes for Christmas. Are you willing for that to happen? Or maybe he really does not want to come. Will it make you feel any better to force him to come unwillingly? He may comply, and may even be polite about it, but inside he will be resentful and seething. Will that really promote your Christmas joy?

 

And eventually, family needs will kick in. I remember that one Passover, I was due to give birth to my first daughter. At the time I lived a four hour drive away from my in laws, and I absolutely refused to travel that far around my due date, even for a family Passover. Were they upset! But I was prefectly reasonable. What if I started labor during the trip? What if complications occured? And as you can see by my telling this to you 19 years later, I was and obviously still am resentful of them putting up a fuss and being so unreasonable (I mean, did they really want to possibly put their future grandchild at any possible risk?).

 

I am not trying to make you feel guilty. Goodness knows that we Moms need all the joy we can get, and having our grown children around is a joy. But try not to let your desires get in the way of your son's happiness. Maybe spending a Christmas away from the family will let him know how much he misses his family and all the traditions you have had over the years around the holidays. But I really believe that if you make him feel guilty, you will win the battle (and have him with you for Christmas) but will lose the war (making him resentful and more willing to keep away from you in the long run, for years to come!). Deb's ideas for sending Christmas to him are brilliant!

 

I also want to suggest reading Mothers: A Celebration by Alexandra Stoddard. In it, she writes about letting go of our children over the years, particularly grown children. It's a great read.